It sounds like you are doing A LOT of social activity!
Reciprocal relationships is something that I can't say much about really. I rarely take a lot of initiate because I feel lazy or tired. One old coworker kept asking me to go to the gym with her but god I didn't feel like it. When I do go to the gym alone it was not a social type of activity for me. I like to slink around do my thing shower and leave the gym.
Another friend I go to the movies with a lot. Most of the time it's me pestering her to get out and go. I don't feel bad about being the person to initiate. I think she likes going to do stuff even if she doesn't initiate it. She is a real dorky odd ball and I think I feel most comfortable hanging out with her because maybe she doesn't have any expectations... IDK She was one of my nicest and friendliest coworkers even though people don't get her. So I decided to try keeping up with her.
Maybe some people just aren't initiators.
Then another older co-worker of mine who I really like asked me to meet her for coffee sometime, I just haven't picked up the ball. Why? Because I'm lazy? I don't even know why. I am sort of stressed and pre-occupied with the things "I SHOULD" do this week. I will meet her eventually.
Hum. Fug.... Now I am thinking about how I should make a greater effort.
I wouldn't say any of these people are close. I guess I'm not really expecting sister or high school close. Sigh and shrug.
A big part of meeting up is how close or how easy it is to get together. I think this is why people sometimes become friends with neighbors is because they are right there nearby. When people are young and in school together they are there nearby. One of the smaller towns I lived in had such a strong community vibe because it was a college town but also because it's easier to get to know people in certain areas.
I dread getting on the bus and venturing out into the chaos if I don't have to. I mean once I do it I'm glad I got out.
Sometimes staying home is productive!! We just can't do it all the time I guess.
Having a "social life" requires (sometimes) being a master schedule juggler. At least, if you're participating in the decision-making. Sometimes, I find that to be just "one more thing I have to do"... and working on a future schedule, I'm unsure of committing myself - because something all-consuming for me might come up, I might be super-tired at that time and just need to veg, etc.
I only have one friend at the moment that we even try to schedule things; and it usually involves her coming out here to get away for a weekend. I'm not enjoying any of my time going "over the mountain" and the city I used to live in, at all. I'm even on "will call" for my hair appt now.
I kinda like the arrangement Hol has with her friends. They pick a standard day, time & place for a group of them to get together over coffee at a cafe. People show up as they can - or don't - as the case may be. Even former house guest is part of that group now. It doesn't replace the one on one interactions, but is just always there, for people looking to connect.
I self-validate in the process that happens when I'm looking at things I want done - go do them - and then enjoy the improvement. There are only a few people that I actively reach out to these days, when I just need someone to lean on and moan to over the normal life-stuff. And I appreciate that everyone I know is mostly really busy with their own family, busy lives, work on themselves or physical training... so I may just "check in" from time to time, as I think about them and that seems to be quite enough "socializing" for me.
With Holly here, and Steve here a lot too... and their busy schedules, I'm always having to coordinate what's going on with dog sitting, holding down the fort here, etc. Sometimes they're not here at all for days... and I have some solitude back. But we just go with the flow and it's all pretty casual and easy.
I can't even comprehend how you keep your two-person crew doing what should take a battalion, Tupp.
You are a freaking HERO.
I mean this completely.
What you do day to day and year over year is genuinely heroic.
You deserve far more than a medal. I'm glad you're as determined as the bravest Marine, and keep getting it, piece by piece. You amaze me. Awe me!
The only thing I can compare it to is my decade with my (heavy) mother, and that had an end date.
love
Hops
Tupp, maybe it's because I know I have times like this, but I'm hearing that you kinda need someone to take care of YOU for a change. Someone to schedule, manage the details - and son's needs - and allow you time/space to just enjoy, relax, be with others. It might not need to be a long time; maybe just dinner and part of an evening. Or a Saturday afternoon.
My deal is, that it's really easy for me to fall into the old habits of taking care of everyone, making things "just so", and nice so everyone can have a good time. Or just working around here on the chores and dealing with life stuff even, can be enough to send me into that "I wish I had a mommy to take of ME" state.
Lately, I've been holding down the kitchen for dinner for months now... with various people in/out of my place, like Steve and the house guest... and even my friends... that I'm in the mood to just go on strike and if anyone wants dinner THEY can make it. LOL. But you know what? They CAN and DO, and do a mighty fine job of it too. I just have to recognize that I don't always have to be the one "doing" and "in charge" and "responsible". And everything's wonderful and just fine.
I honestly need that from time to time, but often when I'm in that space I don't know how to ask for it. It's really no imposition for others to do this from time to time; we're not being "needy" out of the ordinary - everyone kinda needs this periodically. But somehow, I got the idea in my head that "it was my JOB to do this" and "never, ever ask for anything for ME".
My mom had a lot to with me getting that idea, I think. And it's a whole neural pathway of it's own now... but ya know what? It doesn't have to STAY that way.
I'm glad the meeting with the social working went well.
::crossing fingers for super outcome::.
Your description of the beach is restful, and calm. I want to rest against your driftwood, and listen to the waves too! Stretch those sun warmed muscles!
The friends not getting back to you leaves more room for what comes next. I just have to believe there will be new connection for who Tupp has grown into. Tupp isn't who she was 15 years, 10 years, 5 years ago.
Who is Tupp TODAY, and what does she want?
I don't think you've had time to contemplate that. You hardly have time to breath, and sturdy yourself for the next challenge. As you busy yourself with new interests.... as you discover things older wiser Tupp wants more of.... people will be drawn to you, IME.
Lighter
Having that quiet time in bed, was recommended to me about 10 years ago Tupp. What I do during that time has changed a lot. Lately, I've been spending the time letting the thoughts rise and drift off and just relax as much as possible into the coziness. Sometimes it's just 15 minutes; sometimes I spend a whole hour that way.
It's just a time-out at the beginning of my day, to connect with ME. And it makes a difference! When I don't have the luxury of that (or healing of it) I'm discombobulated all the rest of the day.
I do get to look out my window, listen to the birds, watch the light change as the sun comes over the ridge... and enjoy the cool thermals that come up off the cliff behind the house. My time to "just be" right there with my self. It's consoling and reassuring and I think, might be assisting my rebuilding of confidence.
That makes complete sense, Tupp! I spend time wondering why I have a hard time saying NO, then work on stronger boundaries. It tends to go in and out of shape, IME.
I'm glad you're feeling better about your social situation. You're lovely, and assuming you're the problem wasn't productive. People get slammed, and swamped if they can't discern what they want need from what others want/need, IME. Thanks for the reminder.
How was your weekend?
Lighter
Ha! I knew you'd sort this out Tupp. ;)
That sounds like a really solid first step Tupp. You can probably safely commisserate over some of the difficulties without volunteering to shoulder the solution, too. That might get you a step closer to the kind of connection you're looking for. Doesn't cost you a thing to validate someone's experience or feelings. (And doesn't mean you'll always be able to do so...)
Lovely, lovely.
To me it sounds like you're respecting yourself, Tupp. Not in an angry or brittle way. But in a natural way. You're respecting the natural limits of your energy and your own needs.
You're tending to yourself first with kindness, as a priority. You're on your own side and not forgetting or abandoning yourself in the presence of others. And that makes other social decisions and choices so much easier. It all flows from that more solid sense of yourself...you are still present when other people are. Not a shell of you or a performance. Just real you, being gentle and honest. Gentle includes saying No, and not leaping to take on responsibilities you don't need to carry. And cooperating with your own well being.
You've befriended yourself.
BRAVOOOO! Thanks for sharing this, it was wonderful to read.
Hugs
Hops
Tupp:
For me it really helps to see exactly what's been happening... what our actions and energy in a situation has been, so we can assess it. Maybe change, or tweak it, so we get more of what we want.
That you're in observer mode is wonderful!
Lighter
Seems this is an important piece of the puzzle, (((Tupp )))
Light
We file people in our hearts and minds, according to their trustworthiness, and kind of contact we'll have, or not have.
I'm trying to feel more confident about these choices. I don't want to feel I MUST justify them, to anyone. Including myself. There's a certain amount of angst, and internal struggle for me, particularly when .
I can't please everyone. I might as well make sure I'm pleased.
Lighter
That's too bad about the day center. Would have been a social opportunity for both of you maybe.
heheh I'm sure nobody would notice one more deranged person on the beach (smile) if its fun why not
I really like the way you've written this, Lighter, it's like a little story of how things are and how nice life can be :)
If I picture you, Tupp, in social situations....
taking your time.... observing the people around you, and how they interact with others.
If I see you choosing a person to interact with, just one or two that day, to explore possible connections with, while considering your needs, and possible joy.
IF I see you reaching out, testing a connection... sampling it for joy..... spark.... finding it, and turning fully to it, or not. Just remaining in your space, knowing that connection is not for you, now.
Now it's very funny that you should have written this! I took son to a shamanic drumming circle yesterday. I have read a little bit about shamanism and had a healing session years ago. Son has never done anything like that at all and it was one of the things I put on my list of things to try out. I was nervous about it, not only because it was a new place, new people, new activity, but also because son has never done it and I was worried that he wouldn't like it or that the other people there would reject him and be unpleasant. And I think that anxiety is a big part of the problem I have with socialising? Because I hate the way that makes me feel, I go overboard to help other people feel included and involved - so when that doesn't happen to me, it makes me feel rejected instantly. Whereas, what I think is more likely, is that other people don't have that same instinct to soothe others because they don't have the same need to be soothed themselves? I think maybe what I do is project it outwards, and do for other people what I wish someone would do for me? So what I need to do is start focusing all that attention that I project forward into myself instead. Does that make sense?
The session went well, son enjoyed it although a couple of the people were very odd (I do think new age and spiritual type practices are a haven for narcissists and have met a fair few over the years. Instinct, again, and definitely a couple of people there to avoid but the others were nice and the session itself was interesting and I enjoyed it.
And there's flow to this process. No angst. No worry. The feelings of others are their own, not Tupp's to bear. She's safe within her boundaries. Comfortable. At ease in her skin. Free to be present in the moment. Old distractions fallen away without regret or sadness.
I think that's definitely the bit for me to work on, Lighter, I still take responsibility for other people's feelings, even though I'm trying not to. That's the bit I still need to work on, and feeling comfortable with myself. Not there yet, but working towards it :)
Tupp owns the world around her, whether she feels it or not. It is HER world, and her creative spirit has room to grow within the boundaries of that good, and right ownership. Fear, and jealousy fall away, and she no longer suffers comparisons with others. There's no room within Tupp's boundaries for such useless things. Time matters. Every second is special, and precious to her.
And yes, time matters, and I so much want it to be filled with good things that I want to be doing, rather than coping with the unpleasant consequences of other people's actions, whether they meant to be unpleasant or not. It's a timely reminder, thank you :)
She can hear the rain, and birds....
feel the breeze, and sun.....
sense her son's happy activity nearby....
smell fresh laundry.....
and know the cup of tea she's enjoying is the best cup of tea she's ever had
Ha ha, it's almost exactly that right now! No rain, but the birds are singing and sun is forecast for today (it's still quite early here. Son is asleep upstairs (although as I say that I've heard a clonk so he might be up. The washing machine is on and the dry load from yesterday is folded and waiting to go into the airing cupboard. And my cup of tea is delicious! Lol
She looks forward to social arrangements, and feels there's always just enough. She lives from a place of abundance. She cultivates abundance her friends enjoy with her. These friends bring some home, and cultivate it for themselves. Tupp is teaching, as she learns.
TUPP is the happy recipient of this undercurrent in all aspects of her life. She doesn't get ahead of herself, and worry about tomorrow. She's proactive, and does what she can in the moment, then stays rooted in the moment. Her head is where her feet are, in the here and now, and this brings more peace and joy to her life.
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is a dream. Today is all we have. It's what's real.... what's in front of us now. Tupp knows this, and if she forgets, she laughs, and returns to the present. She's human, and notices this, sans judgement. She's compassionate, as always, but now she's the first to receive this beautiful kindness. She's not scattering it about, waiting for it to come back. She has enough, and there's plenty to offer the worthy people invited into her world.
There are habits, and ways of being in the world. Blocking out distractions, in favor of things we value in the moment. Attention to details that matter, instead of worrying about what comes next. What comes next is what comes next.
I love the idea of beginning every morning stretching, and cultivating a strong healthy body. I'm trying to read PAIN FREE, by Pete Egoscue. I'm trying to learn his routine to stay healthy, since I'm feeling good right now, but it's a struggle, bc I want to jump around and read about all the things I've struggled with first. My brain scan has me pegged solidly with ADD, and I see it in everything I do. It's not a relief, to know that, yet. I think it will be.
Everyone has strengths and deficits. It's what makes us who we are. Leaning into the strengths, and staying curious about the deficits.... whatever they are.... is one way to get through life. I rather like the sound of doing it that way.
I hope you're finding joy in your weekend, Tupp. I hope your garden has little gems, and surprises for you. I hope you enjoy a long lavender epson salt soak in the tub, or read about something you're interested in. I hope you go out in nature, in social situations, take time to observe those around you, spend a little time with one or two, and explore the possibility of lovely connection. The connection should be real, and reciprocal. Cultivate those connections you find nourishing, Tupp. There's time, and room to breath.
Lighter
All of this chimes with me, Lighter - new beginnings, new connections, new ways of doing things. I really want things to change now, for life to be happier and easier and more enjoyable and yes, filled with good connections. We're getting there, aren't we? And with the ADD revelation now for you, will that make changes in your life, do you think, or do you feel like you knew anyway but it just wasn't 'official'? Lots of love to all of you xx
I think maybe what I do is project it outwards, and do for other people what I wish someone would do for me? So what I need to do is start focusing all that attention that I project forward into myself instead. Does that make sense?
Lol, well if you can control the weather figuring out ADD should be a breeze ;) The thing I've found helpful with son's diagnoses is that it gives you a starting point when doing your own research. It's just a good base to start from when looking into ways of helping yourself and making life work a bit more smoothly.
Speaking of which - I had an awful day yesterday, really down and lonely, felt suicidal again which surprised me because we'd had such a nice day the day before and have generally been having a better time of it. My little brain has been working overtime and I had another lightbulb moment, and I'm starting to wonder if these bouts of me feeling suicidal are some sort of signal that some deep shift is going on, because once the lightbulb moment arrives the suicidal feelings go. Almost like it's the death of some previous thought pattern moving out to be replaced by a new one or something. Weird. I think giving up hope, or finding no way to continue an old pattern DOES feel like a death. It IS a death, IME. Maybe, bc you're so strong, giving up on something has to get to that very extreme point for you to release it, or be able to let it go/change.
You're a very loyal person, Tupp. I'm betting that giving up or giving in, on anything in any way, is tied into many aspects of your life, and hard to tease apart. IME the more time I spend thinking about the painful stuff, the less suffering, in general. I think that's counter intuitive, but it seems to be true. No way around the pain.... have to go through it to get out of it, kwim? Same stuff we've been talking about, but actually DOING it is another matter, IME. Anyway - I was thinking about habits and how we tend to go to old, often unhealthy patterns when tired, stressed, unwell and so on. It's something I do a lot, and something that bothers me a lot. Lack of sleep and rest is a big problem for me; four to six hours a night is average which just isn't enough. And I think tiredness in me is quite subtle; it manifests in my thought processes and overall mood rather than yawning and wanting to sleep.
I decided to try to work on one health problem at a time, with rest and sleep being the first one. I wanted to try to stay in bed for eight hours, even if I wasn't sleeping (I try this a lot and never manage more than a day or two; the stress of all the things not getting done gets the better of me and I get up). But decided to try again and whilst sitting in bed, drinking tea and listening to music, started thinking about supportive aspects of my life - supportive people, supportive places, supportive activities. I started making a list, and it's quite long. I have a good number of supportive people in my life (and by supportive I really just mean people who don't drain me and wear me out, it doesn't even need to be that they do anything for me, just that they don't take too much). Sometimes I wonder if I expect too little from everyone around me. I try to shield everyone, and carry my load without asking for help. I've caught myself, twice, saying to oldest dd... "You don't have to help, but please stop sabotaging me." I don't feel good about that.
The statement makes me question everything, and I am. We have a good number of lovely places to visit near us, all easy to get to, by bus if need be. And there are many activities I can do and like doing that I can do at home without spending any money. And I was looking at this list and wondering why, when I do have all these supportive aspects, I so often feel so unsupported and alone. And what I realised - here is the drum roll - is that I tend to constantly go back to the things that don't support me. Yup. When I'm down I contact people who treat me like shit, or I scroll through Facebook looking at everyone else's wonderful life whilst ruminating on my own. Instead of getting out somewhere lovely nearby, that doesn't cost a lot, I stay indoors punishing myself for not being good enough to be heading off on an exotic holiday or attending some lovely concert or something. Instead of making myself a healthy fruit plate and settling down with a good film or book, I watch crap on telly and stuff my face. And I realised I'm in an abusive relationship with myself. I've cut ties with abusive people and obvious abusive habits - but I've just replaced it with self abuse and an endless round of putting myself down and berating myself for not getting it right. I stopped other people doing it and just started doing it myself instead. I hadn't even realised I was doing it to any great extent but there I am, getting in my own way, stopping myself from getting on with what I want to do and the people I want to do it with. Why oh why do we do this to ourselves??!! It's so maddening when you see something and realise how obvious it is - although you couldn't see it before. Amazing insight, Tupp!
Anyway - with this new revelation in mind, I have got my list of supportive people, places and activities and I am going to try really hard to refer back to it throughout the day to try to get my mind retrained to automatically reach for things and people that help and nurture, rather than heading back to the things that don't time and time again. Amazing that our brains can be so brilliant and so daft at the same time :) xx
(you've upset me by not offering to help, I will tell you how bad my life is instead of saying "you upset me because you didn't offer to help")
what I need in my life now are those people who, when I'm up to my eyes in paperwork, struggling with menopause symptoms, detesting my house, feeling lonely, wishing I was ten years younger and just in that doldrum space, say "is there anything I can do?". Who don't need to wait for me to ask, because they're perceptive enough and aware enough that things are really difficult.
Tupp, I think all students get a bit stressed and overtired of school at the end of their first year. It's a normal thing when you're ready for a break. College is a big leap into a whole new landscape for freshmen - and for your son, having been homeschooled, he's also navigated a new world. Bet he starts missing his classmates in about a month!
That system of care support you're dealing with sounds like an absolute nightmare. Intentionally obtuse, even. How many assessments need to be done, before the Powers that Be read the previous ones? Not having any experience with that kind of thing that would be helpful, I'll just sit here and marvel at your skills in managing it all.
I find the pain of speaking my truth, and having it dismissed or ignored, so difficult to cope with.
Hi Tupp:
Sorry the paperwork slog continues to be taxing and inneficient. 4 weeks sounds much better than many months to me too.
About the negativity w friends who don't understand or support you....I think we all require empathy and understanding. I think part of you attempts to educate and explain to these folks, where the people who "get it" have validated, and heard you. There's room for other things....positive things, etc.
Sorry I'm hitting high spots. Oldest DD having wisdom teeth out now, so posting in waiting room.
Miss you guys.
Lighter
(((((((Tupp))))))))))
I so understand this:QuoteI find the pain of speaking my truth, and having it dismissed or ignored, so difficult to cope with.
I found/find the same in speaking the truth about my D, either to existing friends/acquaintances or potential new ones...very difficult, too. I have found with practice, since it's not as raw for me as it once was, that it's getting faster and a bit easier to remain detached from the A-inadequacy or B-agitation or C-emptiness of people's responses. I know now that most people absolutely cannot take in the fact of estrangement (or for you: the facts of your life and load). So I try to treat it like, this is part of the weather, I need my emotional brolly for a moment here. And risk telling the basic truth anyway.
I think I reframed it for myself as a separate, personal goal: to get more comfortable (not meaning confrontational) in just stating what's true when I feel like doing it. Regardless of how someone reacts to it. Just liking myself so much that I realize to keep that info secret or suppressed or stuffed in order not to face another person's reaction takes just as much energy as speaking and coping-with-response in the first place. On balance, I've decided I like being real. If that limits my crop of potential friends, that's okay. Research suggests that only a few close friends is all one really needs to cultivate. I need a good-sized handful, but not 10.
As to the bureaucracy nightmare. I'll do mah thang again but because it's me, not because it's a good idea. Take with huge shaker of salt.
What would happen if you told this nice bureaucrat something like (HOPSSCRIPT ALERT): "This might be an unusual request, but I'd like to explain why it's important to me to have as clear a timeline as possible. I'm very mildly on the spectrum. I can be really efficient when I can plan things ahead, knowing what step of the process comes when. I know you may not be able to guarantee every specific date, but would you be willing to answer some extra questions about the timeline? Knowing how I need to plan for that will make my work for my son much easier. Can we proceed that way?" (If you get a No, you might kindly--not angrily--say: Oh dear, I can see this puts you into difficulty. Is there someone at another level who might be able to offer me that accomodation?)
That way, you might solicit her helpfulness...because she's in a helping role. Maybe, IF you are comfortable offering an insight about your own wiring as one reason, that would make sense, and she'd recognize that this would be a good way to be of service. Or understand your need, which was presented very logically. Responsibly.
(Of course it would not be good if you think it'd be used against you somehow. But it's a way to be real and share something that might motivate a decent human to slow down, spell out more dates/tasks you need to know about, etc.) Maybe you could do a gut-check about that individual bureaucrat, and decide case by case.
Or discard the notion immediately if it's a terrible idea! You're the one who lives with it.
SO much support and cheering you on...
love
Hops
Hi Tupp:
I think we're better off if we figure out how to stop worrying about what's coming, and deal with what's in front of us. Maybe you're at the point where that's all you need to do.... is all you can do now. I think that might not have been true, for many years, but that it will save your sanity.
Lighter, I think that's it, I've been trying to cover all the bases for a long time, it's like constantly running round the house trying to cover every door and window so no-one can get in. I don't need to - I can focus on one particular thing for a day or two and get it out of the way, then move on to the next thing.
About the new friend group.... YES. It's liberating, and validating to be around people who understand your situation. It's demoralizing to speak to people who don't get it, and has always been a waste of time.... regretful, IME if I forget.
People who aren't able to give back..... well..... if they understand you,... maybe they're still around, but not in your front row. Not in your second or third. Maybe your fourth row. We refile people, and that's not a bad thing. It's a necessary thing. You can't be everything to everyone, even though you've tried. Planning to pull back. Save energy for yourself, your care, for you as priority is wise, IMO.
Yes, they are a good group of people and I'm really enjoying seeing them a couple of times a week. I've not fallen out with older friends, I just feel like they're more people I'll have coffee with from time to time. I do need support, and fun! And these parents do both. I was quite struck with one at the weekend - she asked me how my week was, we chatted a bit, I asked her how her week had been and she told me a little bit about something that had happened that was very upsetting for her. I was just struck by how different she is to people I've known in the past - although what had happened had been very difficult for her to deal with, she was still able to enquire about my week and she didn't monopolise the conversation, plus she'd dealt with it and was taking steps to try to prevent it happening again. It's very different to friendships I've had before when someone has talked for an hour without pausing, hasn't shown any interest in what I've been doing and then continues to carry on in the same situation without trying to do anything about it. I really admire her and enjoy her company.
I love that you feel the difference in energy of this new friend group. People showing you how they've walked your path. Sharing resources, working together. Not losing their sense of humor. That's community. That's walking with people who know your path. People who can shine a light up ahead.
About your crush.... just be you. Don't assume. Be curious, and see how the thing goes, as you've planned. You'll get time out of the house with adults, and there may be someone interesting in that group, besides the crush.
Yes, I've reined myself in! I'm getting to know him through the appointments son and I have so we chat during them and he's just a really nice guy. I've had to pull my brain back in because I do read too much into things so yes, chat, focus on sorting son and getting a life again and then see what happens.
You're an amazon, Tupp. Have some fun, breath stretch. It's time.
Lighter
((((((((((Tupp))))))))))) I hear you.
I can imagine how frustrating it is to deal with the system. I need to stuff the extra advice or imaginary "scripts" on that, as you've battled your way through it admirably and, considering the obstacles, hugely successfully.
A small thing -- from working in a whole lot of health promotion and marketing related things and events over the years, my guess would be it's an invite the therapist is issuing to all clients, rather than a date. Hope you enjoy the event!
Sounds nice to be treated nicely and boy do you deserve it!
Big hugs
Hops
Hi Tupp:
DD is doing great. SO much better than I did when I had mine out, for sure. She actually went roller skating today, and wants to go work out. There's a tad bit of bruising on the left side, but the swelling is going down.
I had a wonderful session with new T today. I really liked her. I'll share more about that on a new thread.
Glad you had a nice conversation with the other mom. Taking turns, give and take.... that's the way it's supposed to be.
:: nodding::.
Lighter
About the only way that works for me to deal with adrenalin dump, is to quickly breathe my way to calm, or go do some physical but mindless labor task. Could just be doing dishes, ya know?
I think the worst habit that carries through from the past trauma is the over-active brain energy. Somehow we feel responsible for thinking through to a brilliant solution or outsmarting the difficulties. And flat out obsessed with beating the old head on the same brick wall till we bust it down. Doesn't work that way. Only makes things worse.
But it is possible to learn to "stop thinking" long enough for other brain skills to jump in and take the lead. Could be a meditative thing; could be body-mind work that gets you "in the zone"; some people run to make that shift. Not sure exactly how I figured it out, but I learned to tell myself to stop the hamster-wheel in my head and go to sleep, because the problem would assuredly be there tomorrow. And sleep was the thing I needed the MOST to get back at the next time.
a great place locally that does tech based courses for kids who aren't in school
Sorry the struggle with social services continues, Tupp. It's real, and present. There's a certain amount of stress we can't avoid, but I'm learning how to DO things to take the feeling of crisis and imminent doom away.
I'll post a bit here by I can't finish a new thread post.
First I downloaded an app called kardia anti stress breath pacer. It's free. It's a blue ball that gets bigger and smaller. As written, I breath in as it gets bigger and out as it shrinks, concentrating on 5he outer edge works best for me. I also fill my mind with intention before beginning.
If I m really stressed I push on a wall or doorjamb with all my might while breathing the same way. I can picture the ball or think the words here and now at each breath.....in is here....now is out.
I try to do these regularly to train my system back to normal.
Another technique is to walk backwards around a chair or basket....whatever you have handy. Breathing is important, bc it signals there's no crisis to our brain.
I'm thinking of you, but unable to post much. There was a fire at the power station on the island, and it's creating problems I don't want to list. Can you say hotter than three hells?
I'm grateful the power's staying on today as it's been out 6 and 9 hours the past two days.
I'm really using my new stress tools!
Lighter
((((((((Tupp))))))))))Quotea great place locally that does tech based courses for kids who aren't in school
High hopes for this! (Vicariously for you, but I know you know better than to get hopes way up. Sure would be nice if he fell in love with woodworking or some kind of minor assembly work that could actually pay him one day.)
When you said PTSD it just hit me that this makes SO much sense. Was similar to my reaction when my new T said to me I wasn't just dealing with grief, but trauma.
The other association that popped up was the other night on 60 Minutes I was fascinated by a new treatment available (off label) from a few physicians. It's literally a local anesthetic injected into a nerve bundle in the neck that controls a lot of stress. It brought me to tears to see near-suicidal vets get on the table and 15 minutes later get up with smiles on their faces their families hadn't seen since before they deployed. And amazingly, even though the local wears right off, evidently the effects last unchanged for a long time.
Lay description:
'One treatment option increasingly recommended by physicians is known as stellate ganglion block (SGB). SGB is a local anesthetic injected into the stellate ganglion, a group of nerve cells and nerves in the neck that helps regulate the body's “fight or flight” mechanism.'
Study (military focused but some US physicians already realize that there are all kinds of trauma that produce PTSD, not just battle):
https://www.rti.org/impact/study-stellate-ganglion-block-treatment-ptsd-symptoms (https://www.rti.org/impact/study-stellate-ganglion-block-treatment-ptsd-symptoms)
Testimonials (soldiers, but you are one Tupp):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5uSLru6HQI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5uSLru6HQI)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftx44fCRXH0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftx44fCRXH0)
NHS availability:
https://www.pat.nhs.uk/downloads/patient-information-leaflets/pain/460%20Stellate%20Ganglion%20Block.pdf (https://www.pat.nhs.uk/downloads/patient-information-leaflets/pain/460%20Stellate%20Ganglion%20Block.pdf)
https://www.google.com/search?q=stellate+ganglion+block+(SGB)+NHS+U.K.&rlz=1C1AVFC_enUS735US735&oq=stellate+ganglion+block+(SGB)+NHS+U.K.&aqs=chrome..69i57.5766j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 (https://www.google.com/search?q=stellate+ganglion+block+(SGB)+NHS+U.K.&rlz=1C1AVFC_enUS735US735&oq=stellate+ganglion+block+(SGB)+NHS+U.K.&aqs=chrome..69i57.5766j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)
[This one DOES list PTSD!]
https://www.painspa.co.uk/procedures/stellate-ganglion-block/ (https://www.painspa.co.uk/procedures/stellate-ganglion-block/)
It could be fantastic if you could find a U.K. physician who'd let you try it. Because the more I think about what you've been writing during the interactions with social services (much less being an abuse survivor from both stepfather's rape and mother's direct threats to you and your child) -- the more I think PTSD makes sense.
Just a thought and likely a zillion obstacles. But just in case...
love and comfort and healing rest...
Hops
((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))
I'm sorry. I didn't know that a U.K. patient is not allowed to request a new or different treatment they've learned about. My doctor here respects my capacity to research things and if what I ask for is reasonable and evidence based (and not contraindicated by some other condition), he will give it.
Damn. I had hoped doctors there have enough autonomy to offer something new. And that you could choose to visit a doctor who does offer it.
BIG hugs, Tupp.
love to you,
Hops
Doesn't sound weird to me at all, Tupp. (((((Tupp)))))
The strongest trees will break, because they don't bend easily when the winds are fierce.
Pick one thing a day, to focus on. Don't try to do everything all at once - even if it all NEEDS to get done. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But you can only do the one thing you're doing at this moment.
((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))
You are a good person who sometimes feels the rage rush through. And what you do is protect others and protect yourself until it passes.
You are such a grownup; you awe me.
I am so glad you're resting, and wish to bits that I could be there to make you a cuppa when you wake from your nap, do funny faces and games with your son, bring in flowers, bathe the cat, and bring you a novel that will change your life for the better, drawing you in so deep that you come out with your soul bigger.
Hugs,
Hops
Hi, Tupp:
I don't have any answers, but I know your feelings belong, deserve attention, and validation. They can't be blocked or pushed down. They need to come out, and feel sunshine.
You've been so strong, so heroic, such an advocate for your son..... you're tired, and angry, of course you are.
There's a new time coming. One where you put yourself first, and build your tolerance for feeling safe and OK. It's a new term for me.... PAT.... short for I foget what, but it's a THING, trust me.
I've just learned how to FIND my safe place... so many ways to fail, or trigger or just not get it right, but I DID IT YESTERDAY, and will post about it on another thread.
Just want you to know this anger is a messenger. How you've been doing things isn't working any more, and it's OK to STOP, and do something else.
You're so smart, and capable.... you'll replace the old with new, better things.
SO BE angery when you feel it come up. Rest when you need to. Drop all judgement around everything, and just pay attention to it. What's going on around you... what do you smell, feel, taste, and hear?
Breath like you're filling your lungs from the bottom to the top... fill your vase. Slowly. Then pour it out, slowly.
Focus on your breath, and know things will get better.
Lighter
I sit on the beach and it's so lovely; the sand's warm, the coastline is stunning; truly beautiful cliffs and coastal paths and some beautiful houses nestled up on the cliff tops. The waves crash or lap depending on the weather and we tend to go later in the day so it's usually surfers and dog walkers by then. Really cute dog just came running over and plonked himself down on the blanket between myself and son; it's hilarious the way dogs just decide they want attention and insist you give it to them. His owner was lovely as well so that chat was nice.
Tupp, I loved every single word of this, so much I had to read it twice.QuoteI sit on the beach and it's so lovely; the sand's warm, the coastline is stunning; truly beautiful cliffs and coastal paths and some beautiful houses nestled up on the cliff tops. The waves crash or lap depending on the weather and we tend to go later in the day so it's usually surfers and dog walkers by then. Really cute dog just came running over and plonked himself down on the blanket between myself and son; it's hilarious the way dogs just decide they want attention and insist you give it to them. His owner was lovely as well so that chat was nice.
I hope something like this, simple or stunning, happens to you every single day. Or at least so often that beauty and nature feel as close as a true friend.
Enjoy your summer break...you are READY!
Hugs
Hops
Hey... an idea, FWIW. Sometimes it works for me.
When I'm feeling pressured like that and I don't have the option to just take a day off... I remember that ALL the things I have to deal with are:
a) things I want
b) what I want matters
c) even if I have to do it all myself - I'm getting both A & B
Now, if I can just find a way to deal with the chaos that seems to follow other people who are swirling around in my life/space right now... and not feel like I'm being steamrolled flat.
Hi to you, Tupp!
I was just thinking about you this morning and then I was reading your post to catch up. I was thinking how many years you have been a caregiver for your son and how exhausted you must be.
I have kids with serious mental health issues that are now (after many years) getting onto their feet with the right meds and care. I remember well the years of getting up every morning to another day of everyone depending on me, and never ending crises. Its exhausting. And no matter how much sympathy you get, the day to day of it remains with you. I can feel your bone-tired weariness.
I love it that you are going to put everything to the side and just concentrate on basics. When I hit the wall, I walked and walked and walked and I do think that made a difference--not in my circumstances, but just the chemicals in my body. Once I even had a horrible argument with my ex while I was walking on a treadmill and I was astounded at how different I felt (yeah, I know: who has arguments on a treadmill?)
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I sure get it how hard it is right now. You are a pretty awesome mom and it's not easy at all, but your immediate plan seems just what you need.
CB
Ha!! @ "Well I thought I would give you all a little update as I am several days in to my, "I am broken and I don't give a crap anymore so everyone can get lost and I'm staying in to eat biscuits" phase. I have to say it's going well!"
I know it's not funny but at the same time it is. We can't all be perfect and fab all the time can we.
Morning, everyone, I'm very behind on all the threads (again) but am working hard on myself and just wanted to jot things down as I notice them so that they don't get lost in everything else that's going on. That you manage to find the time to focus on your inner world, and DO that, consistently, takes strength, Tupp. Again, I'm inspired, and awed by your ability to handle so many things, so well.
I'm amazed at how difficult trying to look after yourself and rest and relax can be. I'm having to work really hard at not working really hard, which is bizarre. Do you think this is part of the PAT... learning to be comfortable with feelings of pleasure, and safety? There are some things that still need to be done each day, of course, but other than those things I am trying really hard to only do things I want or enjoy doing, and to spend as much time as possible at the beach or snoozing indoors. I am managing to do yoga most days, which is good, and I'm generally able to find time to meditate as well. Again, Tupp. Your discipline, and focus are astonishing.
The anger is still a problem only less so now;I hope you've been able to let someof it flow through and OUT, Tupp. However you do it, it's something you should allow to COME OUT, and be what it is. Wherever it's coming from, it's human, and belongs. I'm hoping you can find a way to honor it, acknowledge it, examine it, and release it. I think having less day to day stress helps as there are fewer things to trigger me off. You're entitled to that very appropriate anger, IMO. It's safe to process it now. I hope you feel you can, bc you deserve to access it, and stop stuffing it, if that's something you're doing. I hope that doesn't sound bossy.
So sorry if it does, but young Tupp gets to BE angry now, if that's what she needs to be. It's OK. The out of control dog situation around here is astonishing. I hate the idea of having to wear noise cancelling headphones OR earplugs, gack, but that might be the best you can do. People can be so dense, and rude.Someone about half a dozen houses away has huskies that howl, all hours of the day and night, a chorus of them. One of them was actually at the window yesterday howling at the night sky. Astonishing amount of noise. They then set off several other dogs on the same block, the worst of those being the ones next door to us who seem to bark at the slightest noise and then just go for hours. The owners yell at them, to no effect, and so it continues. It is blissfully quiet at the moment; it seems there's nothing that can be done as words have been had; the dogs aren't being mistreated so the animal rescue people won't get involved and the local council say it's not a serious enough noise issue for them to get involved. It is apparently an ongoing problem that's been happening for years and it seems that many people simply move away as there's nothing else they can do. It always baffles me that anti-social stuff can be allowed to continue and it's the people who are bothered by it who have to move but there we are. I've come close to driving a neighbor's dog into another State, I have to admit. Auntie Helen was dying, and suffering, bc the dog next door howled all day, and that neighbor didn't have to hear Auntie H cry, or struggle. We ended up putting insulation and foam in her window, and it still wasn't much better. So sorry you're dealing with this.
Anyway - I digress. Grief is the overwhelming factor for me at the moment; it has knocked me sideways the last couple of days and I wonder if it underpins the anger. (((Tupp)) You've lost so much. Your father, and the mother/family you deserved. The safety of protective loving family. The care and protection of the loving mother you didn't have, but still hope for. The care, and comfort of adults when you lost your father..... when you were figuring out your son's issues, and how to help him... you needed support, and help. You have a lot to mourne, Tupp.
I have felt more grief stricken than angry over the last day or two, although the anger is still present. I am listening to meditation music that is supposed to help with grief and have been doing yoga to try to stay calm and balanced. Son is being lovely and keeping himself busy in his room, bless him, he has decided that science is his thing and so has surrounded himself with all sorts of kitchen ingredients to make stink bombs and goo pies. He's wearing safety glasses and my dressing gown as a lab coat, bless him. But yes, the grief. Two things have been very heavy on my mind this last couple of days, both relating to my mum (just for a change).
I think the need to keep her happy - which spilt into people pleasing and being responsible for everyone else in my adult life as well - might stem from her suicide attempt when I was four. (((Tupp))) I trust your instincts. I don't remember it at the time, but she told me all about it when I was relatively young - maybe ten or eleven. I think that sense of keeping her happy to keep her alive was perhaps there for a long time. I can remember the pain of losing my dad very acutely and it still astonishes me to this day that literally not one person made the slightest effort to talk to me, comfort me, take my mind of it or do anything at all. I'm aware things were different back then but even so, it seems mad to me that no-one even tried. I'm sure there's sadness, and grief attached to these moments, Tupp. Anger on top would be normal.
I think that links in to my taking it so badly when friends don't keep in touch. I've been thinking about that a lot; it upsets me and bothers me, even when it's friends that I find a bit tiring or difficult to deal with so I don't actually want to spend too much time with them. But I think that lack of reaching out when my dad died, and then my mum's reaction to my cutting off contact with her - has had a lasting effect and I think that's why when a friend makes no effort to reach out or contact me, I just kind of switch off. I think switching off would be one of the healthier ways to cope. I stopped talking to my mum thirteen years ago, and in all that time she's never once reached out to try to talk or change the situation. Part of me is glad of that, because she's so messed up and destructive I couldn't have her in my life. But the fact that my own mum was willing to let me walk away, for no reason other than me refusing to let her destroy us anymore, still weighs heavily on me and I think that's part of where I've got to at the moment. That's crazy to read. It's super crazy to KNOW that truth, and try to make sense of it.
It's so unfair. Crazy making ufair, IMO.
Anyway - as I say, just putting it down so that I don't forget it all. We have a quiet day today - I am loving these quiet days where I can attend to my own needs and not rush around all day. I love having the time to think and reflect, rest or go out, depending on how I feel. It's nice to be able to decide - that's enough - and just put my feet up and not do anymore. I've decided to give myself two full weeks without any paperwork, so everything's just been dumped in a box out of the way and all the unpleasant emails have been swept in to a 'Need to Read' folder. I'll get back to it next week, but I think I'm going to limit it very strictly to two hours a day maximum and that will have to be enough. It will only stop controlling my life if I stop it so I'm going to have to put myself on a timer, I think, sit down, plough through what I can and that will be that. I will catch up with all the other threads soon, thank you for reading :) xx Wouldn't it be amazing to have a happy functional life, despite the paperwork, people, and crazymaking situations? I can see that for you, Tupp. I hope you can visualize it for yourself. Lighter
I'm also connecting with the kitchen mess problem Tupp. With Steve here more often - and his different habits/standards - and a revolving door of guests the kitchen is constantly in some state of disorganization. Part of the problem, is people just eating when they're hungry and then running off to do something else and forgetting to clean up after themselves. (He is trying; I've noticed.)
Part of it is also, that we get conditioned to the pictures of "House & Garden" kitchens that have had a pro stylist come in and shift things 1/4 inch (or 5 mm) to make it "just so" for it's glamour shot. It's so PRETTY... ya know? And inviting. And we want that too. LOL. But it is sterile; posed; no life in it. No energy.
And if Buck comes here... all that will change again. Some of Hol's friends work in professional kitchens; I've been able to abandon the kitchen to them completely and when they've moved on to other things, then I go back and put things where I like to find them unless I'm also moving on to the next thing. I'm letting go an awful lot of the OCD/perfection stuff these days. There aren't enough hours in the day for that. And as long as I'm using that time for the important stuff in life... so what? I know I'll have another quiet time to go through and claim my space again.
I am highly territorial about my space - or at least, I have been. To absurd levels. But I'm now sharing a studio with Hol, Steve, and sometimes my house guests... and they have their own habits and needs/requirements for doing their thing. These days, I just roll with it. For me, that's something totally new... but it helps make this temporary living situation do-able.
So much for being a grumpy old hermit.
Oh, Tupp. So much of your post resonates for me right now. Keeping up with clear counters in the kitchen, recycling, and paperwork. There's SO much stress around paperwork, but I'm employing new strategies, and seeing how that goes.
Remember you can push on a door jamb, with ALL YOUR MIGHT, if you're stuck feeling tense.
Counting backwards....
Walking backwards, around an item in the room.... all these things done while breathing in, and out slowly, with intention.
Glad things are calming down with college out. You're a giant, Tupp. I know most people wouldn't be doing as well as you are. You're amazing, and resilient, and I can't wait to see the next phaser for both of us: )
Lighter
I love Lighter's term for you, Tupp. You ARE a giant, especially on those days when you feel anything but. I'm sorry about your kitchen. You must feel as though you're rearranging peas in a thimble. I hope you are on the list for better housing and if there is any way to move up it...yet even if not, your inner minimalist may help. I wish I could.
Amber, what's going on in your life is just amazing! Will catch up on thr farm thread.
Xxxxxooooo
Hops
Morning, everyone, I'm very behind on all the threads (again) but am working hard on myself and just wanted to jot things down as I notice them so that they don't get lost in everything else that's going on. That you manage to find the time to focus on your inner world, and DO that, consistently, takes strength, Tupp. Again, I'm inspired, and awed by your ability to handle so many things, so well.
I'm amazed at how difficult trying to look after yourself and rest and relax can be. I'm having to work really hard at not working really hard, which is bizarre. Do you think this is part of the PAT... learning to be comfortable with feelings of pleasure, and safety? There are some things that still need to be done each day, of course, but other than those things I am trying really hard to only do things I want or enjoy doing, and to spend as much time as possible at the beach or snoozing indoors. I am managing to do yoga most days, which is good, and I'm generally able to find time to meditate as well. Again, Tupp. Your discipline, and focus are astonishing.
The anger is still a problem only less so now;I hope you've been able to let someof it flow through and OUT, Tupp. However you do it, it's something you should allow to COME OUT, and be what it is. Wherever it's coming from, it's human, and belongs. I'm hoping you can find a way to honor it, acknowledge it, examine it, and release it. I think having less day to day stress helps as there are fewer things to trigger me off. You're entitled to that very appropriate anger, IMO. It's safe to process it now. I hope you feel you can, bc you deserve to access it, and stop stuffing it, if that's something you're doing. I hope that doesn't sound bossy.
So sorry if it does, but young Tupp gets to BE angry now, if that's what she needs to be. It's OK. The out of control dog situation around here is astonishing. I hate the idea of having to wear noise cancelling headphones OR earplugs, gack, but that might be the best you can do. People can be so dense, and rude.Someone about half a dozen houses away has huskies that howl, all hours of the day and night, a chorus of them. One of them was actually at the window yesterday howling at the night sky. Astonishing amount of noise. They then set off several other dogs on the same block, the worst of those being the ones next door to us who seem to bark at the slightest noise and then just go for hours. The owners yell at them, to no effect, and so it continues. It is blissfully quiet at the moment; it seems there's nothing that can be done as words have been had; the dogs aren't being mistreated so the animal rescue people won't get involved and the local council say it's not a serious enough noise issue for them to get involved. It is apparently an ongoing problem that's been happening for years and it seems that many people simply move away as there's nothing else they can do. It always baffles me that anti-social stuff can be allowed to continue and it's the people who are bothered by it who have to move but there we are. I've come close to driving a neighbor's dog into another State, I have to admit. Auntie Helen was dying, and suffering, bc the dog next door howled all day, and that neighbor didn't have to hear Auntie H cry, or struggle. We ended up putting insulation and foam in her window, and it still wasn't much better. So sorry you're dealing with this.
Anyway - I digress. Grief is the overwhelming factor for me at the moment; it has knocked me sideways the last couple of days and I wonder if it underpins the anger. (((Tupp)) You've lost so much. Your father, and the mother/family you deserved. The safety of protective loving family. The care and protection of the loving mother you didn't have, but still hope for. The care, and comfort of adults when you lost your father..... when you were figuring out your son's issues, and how to help him... you needed support, and help. You have a lot to mourne, Tupp.
I have felt more grief stricken than angry over the last day or two, although the anger is still present. I am listening to meditation music that is supposed to help with grief and have been doing yoga to try to stay calm and balanced. Son is being lovely and keeping himself busy in his room, bless him, he has decided that science is his thing and so has surrounded himself with all sorts of kitchen ingredients to make stink bombs and goo pies. He's wearing safety glasses and my dressing gown as a lab coat, bless him. But yes, the grief. Two things have been very heavy on my mind this last couple of days, both relating to my mum (just for a change).
I think the need to keep her happy - which spilt into people pleasing and being responsible for everyone else in my adult life as well - might stem from her suicide attempt when I was four. (((Tupp))) I trust your instincts. I don't remember it at the time, but she told me all about it when I was relatively young - maybe ten or eleven. I think that sense of keeping her happy to keep her alive was perhaps there for a long time. I can remember the pain of losing my dad very acutely and it still astonishes me to this day that literally not one person made the slightest effort to talk to me, comfort me, take my mind of it or do anything at all. I'm aware things were different back then but even so, it seems mad to me that no-one even tried. I'm sure there's sadness, and grief attached to these moments, Tupp. Anger on top would be normal.
I think that links in to my taking it so badly when friends don't keep in touch. I've been thinking about that a lot; it upsets me and bothers me, even when it's friends that I find a bit tiring or difficult to deal with so I don't actually want to spend too much time with them. But I think that lack of reaching out when my dad died, and then my mum's reaction to my cutting off contact with her - has had a lasting effect and I think that's why when a friend makes no effort to reach out or contact me, I just kind of switch off. I think switching off would be one of the healthier ways to cope. I stopped talking to my mum thirteen years ago, and in all that time she's never once reached out to try to talk or change the situation. Part of me is glad of that, because she's so messed up and destructive I couldn't have her in my life. But the fact that my own mum was willing to let me walk away, for no reason other than me refusing to let her destroy us anymore, still weighs heavily on me and I think that's part of where I've got to at the moment. That's crazy to read. It's super crazy to KNOW that truth, and try to make sense of it.
It's so unfair. Crazy making ufair, IMO.
Anyway - as I say, just putting it down so that I don't forget it all. We have a quiet day today - I am loving these quiet days where I can attend to my own needs and not rush around all day. I love having the time to think and reflect, rest or go out, depending on how I feel. It's nice to be able to decide - that's enough - and just put my feet up and not do anymore. I've decided to give myself two full weeks without any paperwork, so everything's just been dumped in a box out of the way and all the unpleasant emails have been swept in to a 'Need to Read' folder. I'll get back to it next week, but I think I'm going to limit it very strictly to two hours a day maximum and that will have to be enough. It will only stop controlling my life if I stop it so I'm going to have to put myself on a timer, I think, sit down, plough through what I can and that will be that. I will catch up with all the other threads soon, thank you for reading :) xx Wouldn't it be amazing to have a happy functional life, despite the paperwork, people, and crazymaking situations? I can see that for you, Tupp. I hope you can visualize it for yourself. Lighter
Tupp,
In my online reading this morning, I ran across a woman's account of her life--she felt that she was becoming angry with people and out of sorts in a way that didnt seem to fit her circumstances. She finally went to the doctor because it was so disconcerting to her (she sounded a lot like you in your post, genuinely baffled).
Turns out, she is in perimenopause and her rather sudden decline in hormones had precipitated that. Just as some people get morning sickness and some don't, everyone is not affected the same way by these hormone dumps. But I thought that was interesting and wanted to pass it along to you in case that's something you wanted to look into further. Even if you would rather not take hormone therapy, I think there are natural things you can do to help.
Anyway, just wanted to throw that out as a possibility. I have found in my life and with my kids that a lot of physical problems dont manifest in physical ways which can be really confusing and delay treatment for the underlying issues.
CB
Two,
If we find a good friend I think it's like a miracle. To me it seems like a rare thing for a lot of people.
From what I can tell there are many people who are situational friends, classes and work, they come and go.
I think sometimes the miracle has happened for me when I responded to someone else's need or loneliness, in a brief moment when I stopped being so conscious of my own.
Some really loyal and lasting friendships have come out of moments like that, sometimes simple ones.
Hops
I'm scared of water too. A warm private pool okay but ocean or rivers nah. invisable slime monsters
You get like anxiety and panic when you talk about yourself? I guess if you are afraid of losing a friendship you would do anything to keep them, not rock the boat, be agreeable etc.
I get it, (((((((((Tupp)))))))) -- the possibility of parasite people.
My empathic heart led me into toxic relationships too, and plenty of them.
But in years and years of working on my relationship with myself,
I did get better at it. I can enjoy both solitude and togetherness better, where the latter used to leave me brittle, scared and full of anxiety.
What I should have added about making friends sometimes when the other person
is as or more lonely than I am...it's more often been that the person is coping
with grief, illness, being new to town -- transitory life situations that I can relate to and offer
friendship by just making some time for them. If they seem permanently sealed in self-absorption, personality wise, I'm not attracted to making a connection. Because I know my stress limits and can't take on pure dependency. I can just "feel" that now, when I feel those tentacles coming from someone. I can sense toxicity (and indifference) much better than I used to, in my years of trying to milk turnips and suck water from rocks.
BUT. And it's a BIG "but." Some years back I figured out that the most toxic thing I was
doing was not being my own compassionate friend, who needs RECIPROCITY. Not just
proximity. Reciprocal interest (taking turns though sometimes with stretches where it's one-way because of a crisis situation, so not necessarily 50-50) and reciprocal caring.
The image of milking a turnip has got me laughing, Hops. I think all of the above is what's relevant to me now. When I formed these friendships thirteen, fourteen years ago I didn't do reciprocity; I did everything for everyone and never grumbled and of course that's the pattern that was set. I also didn't have a disabled adult I was looking at figuring out a lifetime of care for, either. I think that's the issue; I've changed but of course the other people haven't. Then I feel guilty, which I know is stupid, but I feel like I changed the rules and now I'm angry with them for not changing as well. Which is daft. I'd say with these friendships it's 95% me, 5% them, which is nowhere near good enough for what I want now. It got me thinking about how we're different with platonic friendships to romantic relationships. If I kept telling people I had a boyfriend but that I only heard from him when he wanted something or he had nothing better to do everyone would think I was mad. But with friendships it seems to be less clear cut and that's bothered me as well, I think. But ultimately I want friendships that are roughly 50/50. Like you say, it doesn't have to be completely even and it doesn't have to be even at all during a tough patch (on either side). But I seem to have fallen into the role of 'contact when needed and ignore when not' and I don't like that at all. My own fault - no boundaries in earlier days, and much more free time so it didn't matter as much. But time is much more precious to me now and I want it to count rather than wear me out. Definitely needs to be more like 50/50
Even with being tuned in to a new person's needs, these days, if the reciprocity of
support or interest doesn't appear early (despite what they're going through, it's just decent behavior to show SOME awareness--not in the acute pit of grief, of course, but in most situations), I will gently back out of forming an emotionally close connection. If they become stronger and reach out again later, then perhaps a new friendship is ready to be built. Or not.
Yes, this is what I'm doing/practising through the groups I have been going to. In years gone by I'd have said yes to any invitation, allowed anyone who latched on to me to become my friend, not given a thought about what I was getting out of it. I've already met a few who talk about themselves constantly - often quite entertainingly, so it's perfectly fine for a bit of small talk at a group thing - but I'll not be pursuing that. I've met someone who seems nice, but I am taking my time and slowly getting to know them. I've offered to help out a bit with the local disability sports club; I do think getting involved is a good way to get to know people as you work alongside them and it's kind of easier to get out of those situations if you need to. Part of it with me is knowing what it feels like to be left out of things and not wanting anyone to feel like no-one wants them around. But of course I have to temper that with losing what I want in the whole mix, but it's getting easier and I think I'm spotting the ones to avoid sooner.
I have a friend from grad school who's currently dying in a city not too far from here. She reached out to tell me (we'd been not close for years but I remained loyal) and was glad when I offered to visit. And when I wrote her about my M news, she was very happy for me, asking several questions, etc. I was touched by that. Our lifestyles and values weren't compatible for consistent closeness, and the interest was not reciprocal for a long time which really hurt me. But I never hated her for abandoning me (we'd been very close when younger), just grieved over it and finally accepted it completely. This end-of-life conversation opportunity is meaningful to me. I'll be glad to give her comfort. Partly because even in her situation, she has the grace to care about what's happening in my life too.
I'm sorry about your friend, Hops. It's good that you're able to come back together now.
Instant grace or belated grace, I'm ready for it any time it can happen. Can't be forced but it does appear sometimes. In the meantime, it does help me love (and other times, forget) myself when I can extend love a bit. (When I'm OVER-extended, which you can relate to so much Tupp -- I don't go looking for that. I just keep it in mind as a general principle...reciprocity needs to manifest EARLY, before a strong attachment. Then it's not painful to gently step back from a new connection BEFORE it becomes a friendship, when I can see reciprocity isn't going to happen there. I can do it without anger or blame or judgement now. But for a long time, I couldn't, because I took it so personally. (Thanks, Mom....)
Yes, I think taking time to assess the situation before committing is essential! I did develop a kind of three strikes rule a few years back with new people - I'll initiate three times maximum and then step back (three invitations, three times I arrange getting together, three times I phone first). And then I don't do it again and wait to see if they contact me. Most people don't and yes, like you say, the rejection is hard to take but is better than doing it for years (as I feel I have been doing now!) and then realising it's not reciprocal
I've come to believe opportunities for friendship are actually abundant. All around me. It's been my own pain or fear that have prevented me from the enjoyable, easy, confident "catch and release" kind of approach. Like practicing. Trying it out with someone. Pleased when it works, let it go quite peacefully when it doesn't.
It's hard to just "go with the flow" when we need people and phamilies so deeply it feels like water. So we just have to keep giving ourselves water and working at it...how to grow connections.
I think the "how does that person not know this about me so they wouldn't suggest such an insensitive thing" is exactly what my friend who was mad at me for not taking care of her feelings (about the other friend she disliked being at my house that day) said to me.
And in my experience, she's risking wasting what has been a friendship we both valued. And because she decided to avoid me until "sometime in July", all this time after the stroke when I have been scared and needing to email or talk about it with close friends...not a peep of interest or concern from her. Very unfortunate, and I do miss talking to her. Yet...I can let her go. Despite a misunderstanding or disagreement, I would not shun someone who'd just been through that.
I just know I did nothing intentional to hurt her, she holds on fiercely to a "blame and judge" point of view, and if she can discard (or threaten to discard) me that readily, it's one of my weakest friendships. I'm going to reach out to her by the end of the month and ask if she'd like to meet and talk. If she does, I'll be glad. But if she doesn't, I'll realize she's stuck in a place where she can't. She has a complicated personality and told me often how important our friendship was. Yet--she can't forgive right now so she's dropped her end of "us" and I can't pick it up for her. Got my own end to hold. I'm sorry about it but not devastated. It's just a shame. Every friendship I have is important and I do hate to lose one. But when it happens, it's human, and the world won't ever run out of good people.
Your friend sounds like a numpty, Hops :) The swimming thing wasn't/isn't a deal breaker for me, it's just part of the overall examining I'm doing of that particular friendship at the moment and weighing up the positives (at the moment I don't feel there are any) against the negatives (which at the moment feel plentiful). She's not a bad person, none of them are, I just feel that perhaps our lives are so different now and going in such different directions that I really need people around me who (a) do the fifty fifty thing and (b) get where I'm at and so don't draw from me yet another explanation of why I can't do something (which seems to be the central focus of every conversation I have these days). Although saying that I didn't explain it, just said no thanks, but again through being too tired to go through it. I feel like I need friendships that don't feel like such hard work at the minute. So yep, I don't think your friend is being reasonable about the situation and she shouldn't have ignored you after the stroke, regardless of whatever else she was miffed about. I'm glad you're able to let go if need be. I think that's the bit I'm still struggling with. Loving people, even though they're not doing me any good, and trying to figure out whether to stay or go.
Yes to "talk and not think"! When a conversation is planned it's often awkward, that's all. It helps me in new situations with people to behave a little as though conversation is PLAY. What are we gonna talk about? I dunno! Oh, what she said makes me think of blah blah, and on it goes. It's a dance. Just take turns and be real while also allowing spontaneity. Express yourself. Let it be light and tune into eyes, expression, sound of their voice. If that all feels good, safe, welcoming, then share some of the darker things, the music in your life that is in a minor key. It's all music, all the same dance, we're all on the floor together.
love to you
Hops
Sorry I deleted it. Sometimes I try not to respond with something that sounds like advice. Like I think about something, write and delete it. Also I was doing voice recognition so it was a little unclear anyways which doesn't help.
The emotional struggle is real. With both the friend situation and the mum situation.
Picnic sounds kinda pleasant.
I hope the rest of your day went well, Tupp.
Sounded like some good getting out.
About the guilt over friends who are less supportive than you need. Instead of framing it to yourself that you are "discarding" them, could you instead try thinking about them with gratitude without the guilt? More like privately "thanking and releasing them" (from your expectations)? IOW, you can stop bothering about as much contact, but leave the angst over it behind. You can love yourself AND old but ineffective friends. Just by thinking of them peacefully; loving them doesn't mean staying locked in a harmful painful yearning. You can love people without being much in touch. Maybe you feel gratitude for times when it did click well and meet mutual needs, and "releasing them" from keeping up with your present self. You have grown and changed and are seeking more. And that's okay and it's normal and LOADS of people evolve through relationships that way throughout life.
It doesn't make you an N or a "discarder" of people. Friendship is an active thing, if it's satisfying. And when it becomes clear it's not and can't be...it's okay to think of it as a relationship that worked once, but isn't active in your life now. With peace.
As to the Mom guilt, you do have compassion for her, but your compassion for your own hurt girl-self, who was so badly injured by her behavior, plus the monster's, has got to take priority. Perhaps if monster dies first, you'll be able to have some visits and closure with her. Even if it doesn't work out that way, you'll still find your way to that peace. You've punished yourself enough. And your Mom's age and declining health is sad for her as for every old person, but it comes to every single one of us and is a natural if poignant part of life.
You know you can't change that. But perhaps as you continue your deep work on self-healing and finding ways to carry on, you will somehow connect with the little seed of mothering in yourself that did not grow in her. It's not present in her body and her mind as she lives now, but mothering is still in you, and in the world around you. You can find it for yourself as so many have to do, and in doing that, I believe you will find peace about her. (She will find her own comforts as life winds down, because the seeds of that are in her, too. It's not on you to fix it for her, though in an ideal universe, of course you'd like to.)
Hugs
Hops
and not berating myself about it not being enough any more
and not berating myself about it not being enough any more
Same. Now I'm thinking about it the self berating part.
Tupp:
Thank goodness the osteo helped with your jaw. You're asking for help, and getting it. So important to do that, IME. Did they say what's going on that your jaw is locking up?
Lighter
Thanks, Tupp. My youngest dd has trouble with her jaw. I'll share this with her: )
Lighter
I'm curious how making an effort with appearances works out this evening, Tupp.
I can say this about that... when going through the airports I always make an effort. People treat me different. Even if I forget I've taken that time, people treat me better, in general. I usually pick security lines manned by men, out of habit. In the big city, women were often cruel in the workplace, school, and social situations. That's really sad, but we're set up to compete, not support each other, aren't we?
I don't have to worry about that when I'm not making an effort with appearances. There's a lovely feeling of being invisible when I throw on comfy clothing, hair in a bun, sunglasses, no makeup.
have fun, and stay in observer mode: ) I hope you feel seen, and lovely in whatever you wear.
Lighter
Well guys, great news! Today has been amazing :) Whoo hoo!
New bed is incredible - my alarm woke me at 7am this morning which is the latest I've slept since we moved here. Sooooo comfortable (the cat thinks so, too). My back is nowhere near as sore as usual and I was so comfy I would have gone back to sleep if I hadn't had to get up :)
I'm so happy to read this, Tupp! Nice bedding, a decent mattress, and kitty tucked in for comfort. Sounds like bed time's improved a good deal. That's wonderful: ) Good sleep is so important.
Bought a dress and a couple of nice tops in the charity shop, very cheap, pretty and summery. Even looked at heels and hats - didn't buy any but thought maybe a bit further down the line might go for hats to ring the changes as I don't have much hair and might even venture into wearing heels every now and again (not sure if I could walk in them now but might have a go).At our charity shop I often find little kitten heel shoes.... often in new condition. Having a nude pair, a black pair, a red pair, and a blue pair are options to consider. Just t TINY heel. I think our clothes absolutely influence the way we feel, sometimes more than others. A pretty summer dress, on hot days, feels different than our same old run around clothes, IME, and I swear feeling better radiates off us like the sun... people can see and feel that too, IME.
The nice mum group - apart from being so nice and welcoming they are setting up formally as a charity and have ideas for various ways to help and support local families. All very informal, low key and non-snobby. Without meaning to sound unkind or ungrateful, I've found in the past that some of the people that run groups aren't always very nice to low income families or if there's a family with a relative in prison or something like that. This group is very different, very down to earth and understand that life is tough and we deal with it as best we can. Really like them. You might find some of your people, Tupp. You never know when they'll come along.
They've asked me to be more involved and we had a team meeting today, at which I offered to be Secretary (they need three roles filled to satisfy the Charity Commission requirements). I explained that I've never done it before but was happy to have a go; one of the guys who's helping ot set it up has worked for charities for years so knows how everything works so is going to talk me through the process and I can send stuff to him to check before it's sent out. Very excited and it's so nice to be part of a group for a change, instead of ploughing through things on my own. They've offered to send me on a Safeguarding course, as well as a First Aid one so I've said yes to both. I'm trying to take opportunities as they come now. I've been scared for years about sticking my head out anywhere in case my mum causes problems but I need to move forward so I've said yes. Absolutely in agreement here. Time to come out, embrace the sun, and dance, Tupp. I have explained to the lady running the group about my mum just in case the many false allegations in my past might cause a problem, or if my mum gets wind that I'm involved and starts phoning social services again, but the lady was fine with it, said various members have got various problems in their background and it's all good. And it is all good :) You did what you could do, proactively. Now it's time to put your mum away, and turn to what's in front of you now.
So a nice day, finally! I don't feel as tired, stressed, run down or demoralised. Son had a nice day at college and is now upstairs. I'm going to get the dinner ready and then do some yoga as I slept too late to get any done before we left this morning! Things are good :) xx Wow, that's a terrific update, Tupp. You're keeping self care in place, and I think sleeping in wasn't a mistake. I think extra sleep was a good thing. You're building more of what you want for tomorrow, seems to me.
Tupp,
I really, really enjoyed hearing about that group. That seems so much better (to me) than just a coffee and chat group. I feel energized with groups of people that are gathering for a particular purpose, so I'm very enthusiastic for you! Isn't it funny how when you decide you arent going to continue along trying to build relationships with people who are responsive, and then almost right away this door opens up? I wonder what that is, but I 've seen it before.
Sleep is non-negotiable for me. I can imagine you feel like a million bucks if you don't normally sleep til 7. Lack of sleep can undo my day faster than anything else. Coffee only helps so much.
CB
Well guys, great news! Today has been amazing :) Whoo hoo!
New bed is incredible - my alarm woke me at 7am this morning which is the latest I've slept since we moved here. Sooooo comfortable (the cat thinks so, too). My back is nowhere near as sore as usual and I was so comfy I would have gone back to sleep if I hadn't had to get up :)
I'm so happy to read this, Tupp! Nice bedding, a decent mattress, and kitty tucked in for comfort. Sounds like bed time's improved a good deal. That's wonderful: ) Good sleep is so important.
Bought a dress and a couple of nice tops in the charity shop, very cheap, pretty and summery. Even looked at heels and hats - didn't buy any but thought maybe a bit further down the line might go for hats to ring the changes as I don't have much hair and might even venture into wearing heels every now and again (not sure if I could walk in them now but might have a go).At our charity shop I often find little kitten heel shoes.... often in new condition. Having a nude pair, a black pair, a red pair, and a blue pair are options to consider. Just t TINY heel. I think our clothes absolutely influence the way we feel, sometimes more than others. A pretty summer dress, on hot days, feels different than our same old run around clothes, IME, and I swear feeling better radiates off us like the sun... people can see and feel that too, IME.
The nice mum group - apart from being so nice and welcoming they are setting up formally as a charity and have ideas for various ways to help and support local families. All very informal, low key and non-snobby. Without meaning to sound unkind or ungrateful, I've found in the past that some of the people that run groups aren't always very nice to low income families or if there's a family with a relative in prison or something like that. This group is very different, very down to earth and understand that life is tough and we deal with it as best we can. Really like them. You might find some of your people, Tupp. You never know when they'll come along.
They've asked me to be more involved and we had a team meeting today, at which I offered to be Secretary (they need three roles filled to satisfy the Charity Commission requirements). I explained that I've never done it before but was happy to have a go; one of the guys who's helping ot set it up has worked for charities for years so knows how everything works so is going to talk me through the process and I can send stuff to him to check before it's sent out. Very excited and it's so nice to be part of a group for a change, instead of ploughing through things on my own. They've offered to send me on a Safeguarding course, as well as a First Aid one so I've said yes to both. I'm trying to take opportunities as they come now. I've been scared for years about sticking my head out anywhere in case my mum causes problems but I need to move forward so I've said yes. Absolutely in agreement here. Time to come out, embrace the sun, and dance, Tupp. I have explained to the lady running the group about my mum just in case the many false allegations in my past might cause a problem, or if my mum gets wind that I'm involved and starts phoning social services again, but the lady was fine with it, said various members have got various problems in their background and it's all good. And it is all good :) You did what you could do, proactively. Now it's time to put your mum away, and turn to what's in front of you now.
So a nice day, finally! I don't feel as tired, stressed, run down or demoralised. Son had a nice day at college and is now upstairs. I'm going to get the dinner ready and then do some yoga as I slept too late to get any done before we left this morning! Things are good :) xx Wow, that's a terrific update, Tupp. You're keeping self care in place, and I think sleeping in wasn't a mistake. I think extra sleep was a good thing. You're building more of what you want for tomorrow, seems to me.
Awwww, (((((((((((Tupp))))))))).
I just feel joy for you all over.
I'm so GLAD.
Huge hugs,
Hops
(((Tupp)))
Breath, and get curious.
Feeling down is cause for curiosity. Right?
No more judging.
Be compassionate with yourself.
What would you want me to do?
Do that.
It's going to be OK.
Even if it's not OK.
It's OK.
Lighter
Remember, breathe in 4 seconds, hold it 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds - repeat several times as needed
Definitely, always do the math!
2 steps forward + 1 step back = a step FORWARD
Considering how you've taken DOZENS of steps forward lately, don't ever despair over a couple back.
If somebody graphed you, Tupp, the wiggling line would be trending UP.
hugs
Hops
(((...Hugs...)))
I'm so sorry, (((((Tupp)))))).
My D did the same during her particular bipolar darkness at one point.
I think it' was her way of saying to the world, I have pain and I am overwhelmed and I am vulnerable. SEE ME.
Reminds me of the absolutely brilliant standup comedienne, Hannah Gadsby.
I admire her almost more than anyone I can think of in show biz.
She "broke" comedy, blasted through the third wall, and it was very much like watching a woman shave her head, in this culture.
Bravo you. I'm sorry there's regret (thank heaven hair grows). But I totally get the appeal. It occured to me about a year ago, briefly. When I began losing my hair, I asked myself...would I be happier if I just got rid of all of it?
Only reason I didn't was the necessity for maintenance. Waaay too lazy.
I know you are gorgeous, hair or no hair.
Please keep posting, dear Tupp.
love to you,
Hops
Tupp:
There are degrees to breaking down, and understanding what happened later on, IME.
Having a way to chart our days,
maybe gage physical pain from 1-10
dread 1-10
fear 1-10
happiness 1-10
Something we can get in a glance.
A place for notes.... "hired sketchy tree guys bc they knocked on the door. and looking up sent me into panic mode..... right before going out of the country, leaving a huge mess in the yard I still haven't dealt with...." that kind of thing. I honestly feel this is such an out of character move for me... it's like shaving my head. It's like trees exploded all over the moss. There's holes that are 2 feet deep, and moss dragged into the leaves, and huge divets, and ruts.... oh my. I have to get up all the saw dust. I'm honestly shocked at that decision. I HAVE TREES I NEED TO MOVE BY SECTIONS, and no idea where I'll move them.
You know what.... like your hair, I know the situation will resolve, so no use worrying about it. We do what we can, then let go of the outcome.
I've said that. Given that advice. Taken that advice, but this is the first time I've understood that advice, and know why it's a better strategy than the anxiety/racing mind syndrome of anticipating problems, which is really hard to live with, IME. It's also my main coping strategy, if I'm being honest. Having one week of consistently NOT doing that has changed how I see my life, and world.
It's a longer respite, and it helps things stick, IME.
Having little moments, here and there, was all I could manage before, and it likely kept me from going over many edges, or at least brought me back, which is a lot when we're stuggling, IME.
I want something better.
I want to be OK most of the time, and not suffer more than once over the things I have on my plate.
If I have a problem, I look at my resources, healthy boundaries, logical consequences, list the things I have to do in order to get the best possible outcome, DO what I can (with compassion, and the calm tapping and breathing can help bring) then release the outcome, and KNOW there's nothing else I could do to bring about a better outcome.
Wishing and worrying doesn't change anything, so I'm ready to let them go in the name of more peace in my life.
Drat, this is your thread. I didn't mean to post so long on your thread. Sorry, (((Tupp)))
::straightening Tupp's hat::
We're going to be OK: )
Lighter
Tupp,
Two of my kids shaved their heads when they had an emotional crisis--something internal, nothing external at least in the immediate sense. One was a son, and one was a daughter. Interestingly, both changed their first names as well. I've never completely understood why shaving their heads seemed to be what they needed to do, but it didnt bother me at all (I think the name change did more--names are such gifts from a mother to a child IMO). I had more of a sense that they, like you, felt a little bewildered themselves about why they did it.
Both grew out and were none the worst--but I do wonder now that you have described your own situation, what catharsis must take place to rid yourself so completely of something so personal. I suspect its a good thing. I hope if you slowly get insight into what it has done for you that you will share it here. I'm glad you have a safe place to talk about it and not feel "all eyes on you"!
CB
Tupp,
I didn't question my kids when they shaved their heads so you are giving me some insight into their possible thought processes. The bewilderment you describe is what I noticed, but I left it alone. My kids have been remarkably non-rebellious in general and I thought it was a small thing to shave one's head!
I identify the sense of being cut adrift that you expressed. I have felt it acutely since I moved back to the city almost 5 years ago. My kids also have required care far into adulthood, and there was just this sense that the day to day pressure was never-ending. I have moved too often in the last 12 years to sustain many (any) friendships--all of my energy was working, keeping my family above water and,until a few years ago, my relationship with M. He was a great encouragement in all that, until he wasn't. That relationship breaking up was more than the loss of a romance, I think, but also a friendship.
So, like you, I find that I dont see a clear path forward. I have been rather desperate in some of the darker days, but I have begun to make peace with it just out of exhaustion, probably! I feel as though I have expended so much energy just making life work, I can't imagine building a new friendship. It would be wonderful to have that "remember when" that you talk about, without there being pain attached to it. But failing that, I am okay with peace too--rather solitary peace as it is.
Do you think that a small part time job would help any for you? Sometimes I think that friendships are made these days only with work mates. My work mates are all much younger than I am, so that's not going to happen in my case. I dont know your situation whether that's even a possibility for you. I thought I would retire as soon as I could possibly, and now I find that I am worried that I would not have even the social outlets I have now, if I did. So, for me, employment has been a bit of a stabilizer.
I see myself in so much of what you have expressed here. I wish I could encourage you more, but perhaps we will muddle through together.
CB
The tree situation isn't a real nightmare, Tupp. It's a decision I made, and I'll deal with it. Same as your hair. It'll grow back, and you'll have impressions about the decision, your hair as it grows, and how you keep it going forward. Not good or bad, just information.
I know I learned a lot about myself. I think about it as I move through the clean up, and try to hold zero judgment around it.
I did it bc looking UP, at that moment with a tree guy pointing out dangerous branches/trees, made me feel unsafe. Big dead branches, over my children's heads as they walk in the yard, and sleep in their bedrooms.
I'd just decided to go to Toronto for a funeral after hearing something about the final moments of the beloved person's life dealing with cancer, and that was a huge stress for me.
I see why I did it. I understand I KNEW better as I moved through the decision making process, but went ahead anyway. Very clearly my decision making process was hijacked, and that's information I'll benefit from going forward.
We'll be OK, Tupp.
Lighter
Tupp, I want to apologize for mumbling on about church settings again...it's not appropriate. It's not RELIGION I imagine for you (in any way), it's community and comfort. That's it.
And you're already taking all kinds of steps, from forest groups to a dream of a future gathering place...that are your OWN ideas about community and comfort.
I'm just busting myself about my own urges to fix. I honestly am so grateful for your openness and sharing...you are an inspirational person for me. You speak more truth more often than I ever could. You have a shattering honesty about everything.
Because of my own "Mama Tiger" fantasies, every now and then when I look full-face at your lonely struggle, I feel frantic to fix it. That's not my place, and frantic ain't healthy.
How much? Thinking about your situation, I actually Googled support groups in UK, kinds of things, a couple times. (Can't do it of course without a postal code.) The other day I emailed the contact for a UK humanist organization that offers humanist pastoral care...but only in institutional settings. I asked him if it ever is available in the community, as well. I just wanted to PM you some help, to show you that you could find caring visitors who would listen with acceptance and compassion and break a little light channel through your painful isolation.
But I don't really think it's healthy for me to feel frantic to support anyone. I need to be loving, present, and ready to offer what I can, in this 2-D context.
I promise I'll continue to do that. Just wanted to 'fess up to why I nattered on (again) about church! It's just because it gave me an extended family (trustworthy despite ups and downs) and I ....err... urgently, now that I've renounced franticlly .... wanted you to have that too.
I found just as much, and just as supportive, comfort through a totally secular women's support group here years ago. Alas, feminism in that old-school circle-meeting sense has faded or transmogrified lately into just #MeToo and identity politics. And online. Sigh. When will people rediscover how much it matters to sit in reality with other humans? What I'd found so helpful was just that women could provide amazing strength to each other, regardless of background. It wasn't political at all, and it worked.
Hugs
Hops
HAPPY NOT GETTING OLDER DAY
Currently reading HAPPINESS by Thich Nhat Hanh. My T lent it to me, and I just knew she'd put a book in my hands today. So useful.
I ordered the 3 I listed PLUS the book PEACE IS EVERY STEP by Thich Nhat Hanh.
It's time to practice consistently, and have tools to get me back on track when I struggle.
So many moving pieces, and learning how to put them down, so I can focus on being here, now, is the trick to having control over flipping the ON OFF switch for being present.... being in the zone... etc.
Call it what I have, it's learning to get myself back in the moment, and re set old pathways so THIS is my default.
20 - 60 days of practice.
::BIG BREATH::.
I might journal about this.
I might write about it on the board.
Will see.
Lighter
Fish and chips while watching rain and drinking tea does sound nice.
I think it's unhelpful when we're negatively impacted by someone or something....
the word, for me, MEDITATION, was quite triggering, and brought up anger for me, and frustration FOR YEARS. Like a little social club giggling over secrets they wouldn't share, but felt superior about... just maddening, even though it's not the truth. It FELT that way.
A freinamy once spoke about the law of attraction, but she didn't impact me the same way, but I understand. I dismissed it, and went on. It felt like hoo hoo.
My old Martial Arts Instructor practiced isms. Taoism or Daoism as he called it... the way. Not a religion, just a chosen path, and he didn't believe in suffering twice. Only once, then he stopped going over that thing, and if you ever wondered what X felt like.... BAM, he showed you. We stopped wondering in front of him, as classmates.
I can't even think how this T took me around it, and avoided that shutdown. I know she bumped into it later, and just pulled back, and allowed me to HAVE it, unchallenged.. just kept on talking around it, taking little pathways around it, bringing me back to the way I wanted to go... and we both knew that, together. We understood that resistance, and she dropped the rope every time. I understood she dropped the rope, and allowed her to find a different path to lead me where I needed and wanted to be. I really wanted it, is the truth. I surrendered to that desire for change.
With the law of attraction.... you have frustration and anger.... I think. You're entitled to it, and you should have it, hold it, give it space to belong, and know it's a part of you that will always be there.
The law of attraction is one way of explaining something that makes sense to some, but not others.
Fine. It doesn't work for you. Ok.
I understand my brain as a computer. I open a file, and input information. That information will be used in calculations for possible solutions.
It's simple for me. Even if I have unconscious belief systems countering that positive information, I know cultivating the positive or what I want, today, will bring me more of that tomorrow. I'm experiencing it now, and falling short, but it's the mission. I want to engage neurolasticity, gain control over my biology, and brain pathways, and cultivate non judgmental presence in the moment.
That's the game today.
Dropping judgment. Dropping expectation.
I don't really need to repeat things negative people in my life have said, or believed ABOUT ME. I don't want to help them keep those ideas alive inside my brain, and body. I want to see what's real, and what I truly am, outside those beliefs... so harmful, and difficult to challenge once they take up residence in the subconscious.
My truth is my truth. What others think... that's just a story. Sometimes it FEEEEEEEEELS SO REAL, but it's just a story, and I have permission to put them on the shelf, revisit my touchstones, and practice today what I want more of tomorrow.
It's difficult to deal with old trauma, and I honestly don't want to, bc I'm HUMAN. Nobody seeks out that kind of pain. We all spend our time between avoidance, and seeking behaviors. I can get lost in that pain, and confused, if I don't have a framework to handle it, or deal with it, IME. I fall back into old coping strategies and feel lost when I forget. T appointments center me, even if I arrive feeling super bad, I leave feeling super relieved.... touchstones restored, the way revealed, once again.
I have to remember... THE framework for DOING THAT, IME. If I can cultivate the practice of utilizing that framework, even when my default system is blaring alarm bells loudly.... get up under those alarms, and unhook them, consistently, I can change those pathways. I can make it possible for my brain to finish up old business, bc THAT's what the alarm bells are signaling, IME. That I have old business that needs attention. Understanding that.... finding a framework to DO that.... practicing it consistently... makes it possible to get through the old business, file it, and open up possibility for new things, which is the goal for me.
When I try to do that, outside the framework, it leads to muddled thinking, confusion and pain. That's not good. It IS familiar, however, and a struggle not to feel defeat when I'm up against it.
I'm getting better at dropping judgment. Noticing my breathe. Noticing my thoughts, and remembering how to find my framework. I have tremendous peace after my T sessions. The last one was really hard... I dreaded it, then left feeling energized, and relieved... so relieved. To speak my truth, the shame of it, the sadness, and process it with someone who's not judging, and is teachi9ng me not to judge, but to face it. Let it in, examine it, and keep moving. Her revelation, for me, was that under all the emotions, and resistance is desire to feel supported emotionally. To seek it out, and name it. Ask for it.
Feeding negatives into my computer program isn't going to get me more of what I want, IME. It slows me down, and creates a bog situation, IME. Time to stop doing that.
Focusing on the positives... what I want more of.... likely will take me to different places, IME.
I'm trying to do that in everything.... everything. Just drop the judgment, and stop feeling hijacked.
Less hijack, and more autopilot engaging the parasympathetic nervous system... silencing the alarm bells. Just repetition.
::nod::
Yup.
Lighter
I guess we keep plugging away, forming positive habits, and see how cultivating positive things works for us, Tupp.
I'm feeling really good about finding answers right now, even if I know it takes time plant, and grow new things.
Lighter
I guess we keep plugging away, forming positive habits, and see how cultivating positive things works for us, Tupp.
I'm feeling really good about finding answers right now, even if I know it takes time plant, and grow new things.
Lighter
That's it, isn't it? We keep trying to change and form better habits, trying things, seeing if it works, tweaking it or discarding it if it doesn't.
Quite a lot is coming up for me at the minute; a lot of worries about life and how things are going for us. The lack of reward for the huge amount of work I put in troubles me hugely. It isn't a case so much of feeling that I'm not enough, it feels more like a case of genuinely not being enough - and still not being able to get anyone else to take the helm, even for a short time. That troubles me hugely.
I worry enormously about son, and about myself. We both have health problems and are almost in similar situations now. What we can do is restricted by our health and how often we can go out is restricted in the same way. I don't think that son feels loneliness. He's very happy as long as he has his stuff around him - computer, books, favourite films, Lego sets. I am finding the loneliness is eating me alive. I've genuinely never felt it so acutely nor been so badly affected by it.
I don't feel positive about the future. State care provision is poor and funding/policies/legislation is changed with alarming regularity, meaning that, even if you get a good package in place, there's no guarantee it will remain in place. The other thing that troubles me is the thought that, once I'm dead, there will be no-one to even visit son, unless a kind friend or neighbour happens to still be around to do it. But there's no family, no partner and the couple of friends who would visit are older than me and therefore not too likely to be around for much longer than I will. That troubles me greatly.
I also don't feel positive about work. Even with son taken care of, I no longer feel that I could cope with a stressful, busy or noisy job, nor one that involves a lot of physical activity. That will affect what I can do, obviously, and therefore what I can earn. Living costs here are astronomical and predicted to keep rising, probably sharply once 'Brexit' happens. Our current government has dismantled, sold off and run in to the ground all of our state provision - health service, social services, leisure facilities, transport, monetary benefits, police, fire crews, even the roads are in a state. The population have voted for that - twice. I find the notion of anyone voting to get rid of the very services that they will have to rely on in times of crisis or hardship baffling - who gives away their own lifeboat? But people have, and people with disabilities have born the brunt of that. So many have died, or are living in miserable conditions - alone, without support, very limited incomes. It troubles me hugely.
And money. I don't have a pension, or any savings. My home is owned by a private landlord, who gets paid before anyone else. It's the smallest and cheapest I could get that still gave us a bedroom each, and it's still very expensive. It's a constant struggle to find anything beyond paying the bills. Son does better, because he gets disability benefits so there is a little spare for him, but for me there is very little beyond paying for what is essential. I honestly thought him going to college would change all of that. I thought I'd at least be able to work part time, and that he'd start gaining a little independence, maybe making friends and getting a bit more interested in the world. I thought I would have time to myself, that I'd see my friends regularly, make new ones, even start going out in the evening. But the opposite has been true. College has been a huge amount of hard work, for very little reward. His health has suffered, as has mine, and he's become even more focused on staying in the house and it's harder to get him out than it used to be. I've not seen a soul; it's become very apparent that my friends have busy lives that I can't keep up with. I've met nice people and I do appreciate that but I don't even feel like I've got the energy, or the resilience now, to reach out to try with new people and risk being knocked back or used in some way again. So that feels hard.
OK. I'm noticing your fear, and frustration in your post, and it seems your in fight or flight mode, going round and round, alarms blaring, and in charge. My T would talk me down, so the alarms quieted.... no judgement.... just breathing... she'd touch her nose, and I'd touch mine... bringing attention to breathing in.... "I have arrived"... breathing out.... "I feel at home."
If that doesn't work, we tap on the problem. She has me say out loud my thoughts, and she writes them down, then walks me through the problems.... "This problem I have with (insert problem) and I tap the different points, repeating the words, twice. Then move on to anothe statement, and tap through again, twice. I move into a positive space about how I'd like things to change, and BE.
I always feel better, sometimes complete relief lands on me like a warm soft blanket. It's hit or miss, but it's always moving in the right direction, and often there's joy in practice. I get a lot out of Youtube videos as I work in the yard, do housework, etc. I try to read, and practice sitting and walking meditation regularly, but that's a work in progress.
When I hear your fear around getting hurt again.... it reminds me of Pia Mellody's Youtube video on lack of boundaries..... sometimes we have walls up, and those walls can be anger or fear. Typically it's injustice done to us that diminishes our self worth. The natural frustration turns into anger, trying to get our self worth back (paraphrasing of course) but that never works.
We have to learn how to regulate our emotions through breathing, sitting and walking meditations, paying attention to the fear, the anger, the sadness, the loss of what we had or would could have been....with curiosity, and compassion.... no judging.... and that's addressing our trauma. The beginning of addressing our trauma, and we deserve to wiggle out from under it, Tupp. We deserve to calm those alarm bells, and engage our frontal lobes, and embrace NOW, sluff off the worries of tomorrow, and the bile of yesterday.
Even if we can't change our truth, we can change how we deal with it, and feel about it. We can cultivate peace, and calm, and lose nothing..... being anxious, and frustrated and angry, and fearful doesn't get us more of what we want. It diminishes our capacity to experience joy, and fellowship, and intimacy. Those darned walls of fear and anger need to be dismantled, replaced with flexible boundaries, exterior and interior. They'll keep us safe, and we can venture into community again, without fear.
The trauma traps us, is insidious, without our realizing it, we're underwater, and didn't see it coming. There's a way back to the surface, Tupp. The injustice might not change, is unlikely to change, but how we feel about it, and deal with it can change. What does hypervigilance get us?
Isolated, frustrated more deeply, and ANGRY. Angrier and angier, and holding it in just makes it grow. instead, we can go inside, find the pain in our body, name it, sit with that pain, and give it what it's asking for.... attention.
Honestly, it feels like adding space to my interior... pushing out the walls, and inviting air, and spaciousness inside.... pushing the pressure off my interior, and relieving the physical manifestations of the emotional struggle. But that's not often... it's just enough to help me KNOW I don't have to live this life haunted, and in fight or flight mode. I can have more choices, and if one of those choices is joy..... I'll take that, please.
I write this out, bc it helps me, and bc I hope a thing or two clicks for you. I had to hear it a certain way for it to click for me, and it's sort of like praying for me. Like a wavelength, a frequency I'm not used to being on, but can find, if I try, and experience something that feels like transcendence.
That's hopeful, IME.
You don't know what will happen in the future. You can't know, bc no one knows, and sometimes for humans that's worse. It's just too much energy spent upset over things that might not happen at all. Energy we could spend problem solving or enjoying what we have NOW. Ok, I'll leave that there.
I do feel better for just writing all of that down. Those are my 'truths', as you would say, Hops! I feel like they are very big, very real problems that I've tried very hard, for many years, to address, but I'm still not making any headway. So - my next phase to investigate is - Intentional Communities.
I have looked in to this before. I still prefer to call them communes - I think it sounds cosier - but they aren't called that any more, apparently. The stumbling block I've come up against when I've looked in to them previously was the workload. Many will allow you to work in leiu of rent, but as I'd have had to work enough to cover rent for myself and son, whilst looking after him and home educating him, it was just too much work and each option I looked in to seemed to put me in the same situation. My other concern with it was having to look at places in which there was alternative (cheap) accommodation available, in case things didn't work out and we needed to move out. That was hard to find as well, keeping in mind that I also wanted somewhere that had a range of provisions available for son. So each avenue I went down seemed too difficult to follow through.
I'm intrigued, Tupp. You're very resourceful, and competent. Perhaps the work load wouldn't have to be something taxing and loud, and difficult. Perhaps it could be something you're good at, and don't hate to do?
Things have changed a little now. I'd still have to do son's share of the work for him, but some 'back of an envelope' calculations seem to suggest that will be less work than the hours I'd have to do to earn enough to pay his share of the rent on our current place. We're both looking into ways of making money working from home so I think it might be possible to cover our living expenses by working within the community and then make a bit of money for ourselves on top.Sounds encouraging.
I like the idea of having other people around - not to be in each other's pockets and talk endlessly (and I'm sure there will be times when I wish I was living on my own again) - but it would be nice not to have to leave the house any time I want face to face contact with another human being. I would feel one less worry about son if I know there are other people about in case some emergency occurs with me. I'm a little alarmed at an unexpected yearning to live among nuns.. ::sigh:: Picturing you and your son in a community, like the midwives and nuns in the BBC series CALL THE MIDWIVES.... brings me joy. He can still have a care package that involves carers taking him out or sitting in with him so that I could go out but it would mean that it wouldn't be our only source of support and company (which scares me as I feel that a cut to that provision or the carer leaving, for example, means everything falls back on my shoulders. At least if that happened I'd be largely based from home anyway, so it wouldn't mean me not being able to go to work, for example).This portion of your post seems pretty grounded, and centered,
Tupp.
It's just an idea at the moment. It will mean a lot of work reading up on places, talking to people, visiting places and no doubt knocking many off the list. We're still in a situation where I'd want to be somewhere with decent provision for son, should it not work out, and cheapish accommodation available for the same reason. You're always thinking ahead, Tupp. You're an amazing person. I hope you can step into your self worth, and own how special you truly are. There's a very real possibility that I'd be just as miserable doing that (once the initial novelty had worn off) as I am living like this, and that scares me a lot. But - the other possibility is that we get to live somewhere much nicer than our current home without money changing hands, we could both be home based without being so alone all of the time and there would be a bit of back up in an emergency (which we don't currently have). So I think it's an idea worth looking in to. That;s all you're doing. Expanding choice, and examining those choices. That's a good thing, Tupp. 90% research, and 10% execution: ) Light
What do you guys think? xx
I'm sure there'll be lots of interesting stories, Tupp. Good luck with your research. Maybe you'll find a new friend. You never know: )
Lighter
Two I read your last few posts here about intentional community. I don't know what I think about it and don't feel I'm the best to give advice.
I guess we have to explore all options we know about as part of our due diligence in life. Even if a lot of the options end up being no-goes. If we don't at least ponder it we can't even rule them out.
There are so many pros and cons to consider in that scenario.
What is this most recent group that you are doing tea duty for?
((((Tupp))))
It's a defense against disappointment to zero in on all the group's mistakes and inadequate leaders. I understand it completely.
I wonder if it'd help you to not be so concerned about the logic, legalistic consistency, or proper organization of their behavior? (Sounds like an echo of how you feel about The System which makes it so hard to trust any bureaucrat, though I know these are just regular people.)
What if, instead, you could not focus on performance, but just on feeling good about being a part of something. Not with grand or perfectionistic goals, but just to be there (NO, not as constant dishwasher!) with other benign human beings, pottering toward some kind of good goal, however imperfectly.
I think you just need to be in rooms with other benign human beings. As often as you can.
Hugs
Hops
Same was a crap week. Tired after stress effect I guess. Nah no decisions right now
I'm going to try really, really hard to focus on my own health and just making myself feel as well and healthy as I possibly can, and to try not to focus on what other people are doing and saying - what do I want to do, what do I think, how do I feel? I want to try and focus more on that and not what I feel because of things other people say or do (or don't do!). And as phase one I am still in bed three hours after waking up! Have been listening to meditation music, eating toast, drinking tea, cuddling the cat and reading (and coming on here).
QuoteI'm going to try really, really hard to focus on my own health and just making myself feel as well and healthy as I possibly can, and to try not to focus on what other people are doing and saying - what do I want to do, what do I think, how do I feel? I want to try and focus more on that and not what I feel because of things other people say or do (or don't do!). And as phase one I am still in bed three hours after waking up! Have been listening to meditation music, eating toast, drinking tea, cuddling the cat and reading (and coming on here).
This is outstanding, Tupp. I think it's a big shift in your compass and will help it move North.
I think something popped up for me....that I'm at my most miserable when I'm grieving (or angry) about yesterday -- OR -- fearing (grief or anticipatory anger) tomorrow.
What you did instead sounded so real, alive, and experienced in the present moment of being in your own existence, nobody else's. I think finding a balance between reacting to past/planning for future (which nobody can avoid entirely) with this exact kind of present self care (not just driven by a "how to do perfect self care" list but honestly by what you said: What do you want to do? How do you feel now? -- is fantastic.
You keep trusting yourself, Tupp -- your compass is a good one.
Hugs
Hops
All this time alone - the isolation, the endless days sitting indoors, not having a circle of people to talk to (I've got you guys but not similar in real life) - all of which gets me down and makes me feel unwanted, is a result of putting boundaries in place and setting myself some standards that I'm not prepared to back down on (particularly in relation to son being around abusive people and so on). And I have struggled with that for years, because it feels like I'm being punished for standing up for myself and doing 'the right thing'.
Two I think it's harder when you're single and you're trying to do every single thing by yourself. Maybe because of feminism and a culture of you can do it attitude exist people aren't supposed to admit that it's just difficult to do things alone. I think it when people believe they have help just knowing that gives a person energy because they feel like some burden has been taken off their shoulders that they are part of a team and they're contributing but they're not carrying the whole load of everything. And I think when you've been doing everything yourself for a long time a person can just get used to being tired cuz when it accepts the burden. I'm not saying people shouldn't be single or anything. It's not news. It's just stating the obvious but maybe sometimes we have to be reminded of the obvious. I mean if you're single your time your energy your money is just stretched that much more.
G, I think you'd be a great addition and candidate for small town life! Tupp, is your town a summer tourist mecca? If that's the case, the season is close to hand now, when "local community" revs up a bit because all the tourists are gone. You might find some of those new acquaintances becoming friends soon.
Yes yes yes, Tupp. You're in position to build new habits, and move forward in safety.
You have room to create, and add worthy relationships. This is possible bc you've questioned and limited past relationships.
Loneliness is a messenger too. This part of your life needed attention.
I don't know why growth is painful, but it is, ime
You have good reason to feel optimistic: )
Lighter
I think you see your future with clarity.
Lighter
Ahh, sorry about your sister's news, ((Tupp.))
I'd like to believe that it's just an empty poke at you, and maybe it is. In any case, you might want to jot down thoughts about this on a new pad of paper, process what you need to about this, review it, then burn it, or shred, whatever feels best.
Once you process it, you'll have more room to relax into the knowledge these people don't have power over you any longer, and you can take back the power they do have. The mindful practice, cultivating curiosity, and compassion for yourself and situation, refusing to live with the knee jerk fight or flight reaction you've always suffered..... maybe this event... or the threat of the event, can lead to huge growth, and realizing for you. And that knee jerk reaction is a terrible way to live. It was installed by the PDs, and it's necessary to uninstall it, and reprogram our responses.
These people are elderly, have little time to poison people, they don't KNOW who to seek out and tell lies to, they're elderly and can't sit outside your home for long waiting for you to come and go... they'll likely appear insane if they go to the college, and start spewing accusations that don't jibe in any way with who you are, and what you're doing for your son.
They're very sad, broken, elderly people, and they no longer have the power over you and your son they once had. The truth is they certainly did, and you've suffered terribly. That's your reality THEN, but it's not your reality now. Your brain doesn't know the difference. Time to internalize that reality, maybe.
You've broken away physically, and now you can break away emotionally.
As difficult as it is to have criminals come back and attempt to harm you again, which stirs up the original injustice, we have a choice to limit that emotional vomit, IME.
Take back your power. Even though the PDs have intention to harm and do trauma to you.... they no longer have the ability to do so. Internalize that, and claim that power for yourself. With curiosity. With compassion for yourself, then and now. No judgment. Just notice what comes up.
I hope you can reach out to your good friends, get some feedback. Hit on it, with notes, then put it down. I find my most pragmatic friends have very good insights, and I always benefit from short discussions about the PDs.
Perhaps visit the local police station, and give them a heads up regarding the possibility your pedophile sf will confront you at your home, or in your community, and ask them to keep an eye out. MEET your local police officers, and get to know them. You have court documents alleging those assaults. The police can be on your side this time if your calm, and to the point, IME.
Then put the PDs away, and channel peace around the situation. Maybne write your mum a letter you don't send, but have it clear in your mind what your feelings are now, so you aren't confused if she shows up. Your wish to see her again might happen, as you say. What would you truly wish for that moment? You can't control her, or what she does, but you can do and say the things that are important to you, and that's all that really matters. What you can control.
THIS can be a triumphant experience of reclaiming your inner world, and limiting any future harm from your past.
I love the list of things to do before you die. We call it a bucket list here, and it's about focusing on what you want more of, and cultivating it, which is the mission, right?
I also love the memory book for son's 18th birthday. Just the idea of doing that makes me feel relaxed, and happy for you.
You're a hero, and we know that truth about you, ((Tupp.)) You're an Amazon of the first order.
Lighter
Tupp, I'm so very sorry.
I can completely imagine how that bit of news triggered anxiety and nightmares.
But I have to say Lighter's post even calmed ME down. It was extraordinary and I can just admiringly echo, "what she said." All of it.
I think basically the truth is that an N does wither with age and loses their power. If you want to test it you can agree to have a cup of tea with her. But you sure don't need to have her enter your home. That's the limit I immediately thought of: IF YOU WANT TO, agree to meet her at a cafe of your choosing. But never invite her home. If she asks, here's an answer: "No." She doesn't get control.
As to who betrayed your wish to not have her get the info about where you live...no point. People are gossips at heart and if, as you guess, some young relative has slid into that toxic pattern under your family's tutelage, there is absolutely nothing you could do about that.
I hope you'll soon find a T, a new and present friend to talk to. This is really tough for you and I am so glad you pour it out here.
I have such enormous faith in you, Tupp. Your mother doesn't own the moon or the air or the life in your body or anything else. Her magical powers were removed and she's just a crazy old manipulative lady and it's sad, and even though you have some compassion, you have learned that your FIRST empathy belongs to yourself and your son. That is core life and health preservation. They're simply not going to be given away, no matter what nonsense she imagines.
Big big hugs,
Hops
Well I think it's good to keep on writing it all out. I think in the process of writing about emotional distance maybe you can get emotional distance.
For me personally I feel in the past month I've had more distance from my mother. After writing it out I then put it out of my mind for a while.
That's a good insight, Tupp.
That it's not fear of her power to mess up your life any more as much as it is hurt over her longterm rejection.
Well, if you do see her, you could revert to just saying the truth, even if you sit in public streaming tears and she acts cold as an icicle about it. The truth would still be the truth. For that matter, you could pick some place like a public garden or beachside bench -- for YOUR comfort and ease (if that's what would feel better).
I think Facebook is utterly toxic and have never done it. But my advice for the people who react like idiots is to instantly Hide them (or whatever it's called) so you never see other posts by those individuals again. Should one send you a DM (if that's what it's called) you can say, Oh yes, I had to Mute you since I found your political comments upsetting. But in the meantime, blissful peace....
You can filter anybody you need to, hon. You're in the driver's seat and you have every right to fill your world with people who are kind.
love and comfort,
Hops
Oh, your last post had me swooning. Such a lovely day filled with lovely people, Tupp.
There are choices, much if the time, about what we focus on. Yes, please, more joy, more laughter, more seeeeing beauty.
About the little neighbor girl....do you think this kindness circles back around to your experience with refuge, and heals young Tupp, along with providing shelter for this child? Not sure about that question, but it makes sense for me.
The island is OK as far as I know. No word today, so maybe electric out.
Remember to play music you love. Humm. Cold water rinse after shower, and to breath when your biology is hijacked.
You can take back your physical safety, and emotional peace. Sometimes I think we wait for permission, or for things to feel better. This isn't a passive endeavor, ime. Banishing the voices. Taking back the spaces they occupy is hard work, but people do it. You can do it. We all can.
So ride the waves, and expect ups and downs as things plane out.
Maybe tell your sister only things you want you mum to hear....meaning misdirection, and confusing untruths....maybe a bit of humor.
I love the idea of visiting friends and receiving support.....call friend's I if you feel vulnerable. Go check out that caravan when mum is expected. Let your friends feed you, and I know you'll feed them back.
New reciprocal fellowship, YES, please!
Lighter
That did make sense, Tupp. And the little girl likely has no idea what a boundary IS, honestly. She might benefit from having a lovely maternal spirit in her life draw pictures of what healthy boundaries are, and how we breath to get hold of our emotions so we get more of what we want, and create healthy lives for ourselves.
No pressure there, but darnit, maybe we were all that little girl, of a sort, and maybe we've all met her too. I wonder about the little lessons, that are actually VERY IMPORTANT, if we'd been introduced in our young lives. JUst pointed in a direction, or had a door opened to information we wouldn't become aware of till we were full arse grown, kwim?
I think dropping allll the people who keep you mired is a good plan, Tupp. I think moving ahead, and not looking back.... giving yourself permission to let the past go..... is amazing and freeing, and I'm trying to do that too. Even your sister.... for reasons she can't control. For reasons you can't control. Release her with love. Because you have to, for your own good.
(((Tupp))) Trying new things, to break that negative waking pattern, sounds healthy, and proactive to me. You're moving out of old patterns, TUPP! Yes.
Lighter
Wow, I think that last paragraph was HUGE, Tupp. Realizing that calm, which you aspire to, is actually uncomfortable.
That's such an opportunity. To see what eternal adrenaline has been about. Not just that it happens, but what is it substituting for?
I don't know a lot about how trauma works. But I wonder if feeling perennial anger, frustration and negativity keep the stillness away. Because in stillness, the trauma might resurface. I don't know if that's accurate, I'm just guessing. (And you have ACTUAL stress, big stress, it's not like you're manufacturing it. Waking up with it every day, though, says .... too much.)
It would be so wonderful to have a safe space with a skilled, kind T you trust, where you could release and talk through a lot of it, once a week. Maybe then you could wake up in peace, no matter what the day brings.
big hugs,
Hops
I understand... and I'm not sure why it IS what it is, but it just is discomfort with the quiet bits.
Whether it's dread of getting thrown back into chaos, which is worse if I DO manage to relax, finally, and believe things will be OK... or if it's that PAT thing the T spoke about.... Pleasure Affect Tolerance?
I guess you take notice, stay curious, and go back to basics.... breathing, yoga, beach, social contact.
At some point the quiet won't feel so strange. It becomes familiar, right?
Keep breathing your way through it, and train your brain...... it's OK. No reason to get anxious, or avoid, or find distractions. It's OK.
::nodding::.
What becomes habit, becomes pleasure.
20 - 60 days to form new patterns. This too shall pass.
Lighter
I think healthier people make these types of healthier decisions
all
the
time.
I don't think they have the same fear, guilt and shame pressuring them to continue relationships, and situations that are unhealthy. Maybe they do. I just know that we have control over decisions we make daily, and switching to the best possible choice will have implications we can't imagine, but will be proud of.
One day at a time. One decision at a time. It ads up. Think about the bad things we've become accustomed to.
We can get used to feeling better, and having less strife in our lives, can't we?
I'm sure we can.
Its getting beyond the discomfort. That familiar old discomfort that usually pushes us into decisions that won't get us more of what we want, but dispells discomfort in the moment.
This moment has to be endured, and overcome to get beyond old patterns.
We can do that. I notice I'm calmer, generally, as I continue practicing breathing, and cultivating positive moments. It's easier to get back on track.
Lighter
perhaps I ought to just be honest and say I'd like to meet up but I'm not feeling great so will apologise if I'm snappy or impatient.
Quoteperhaps I ought to just be honest and say I'd like to meet up but I'm not feeling great so will apologise if I'm snappy or impatient.
That sounds PERFECT, Tupp! Honest, vulnerable, human. Not even complicated.
I always appreciate it so much when someone's simply open about how they're doing. It helps me remember I am also always allowed to be real. I don't have to orchestrate someone else's response to me -- I can just be real.
It can be just as simple as your good example. You let the other person make their own choice, and just take responsibility for yours.
I really love your example because it invites the possibility of just being real for you both, acknowledges that both of you are human (you because of how you're feeling, and also her, because you're respecting it'll be her choice depending on how she is feeling herself). I get it. I feel so appreciated when someone trusts me with their simple truth instead of an act.
It's not magic, and doesn't change people necessarily. But it makes relationships so much simpler. If just being real is something that a particular person can't or doesn't respond to well, that's helpful information. But if, even in small ways, they do respond well (or with realness of their own, even briefly)...that's a good sign.
Bravo, you!
Hugs
Hops
I can see why, (((Tupp))).
I think for anyone with even a toe on the spectrum or who is naturally introverted or has something like ADD, an event like that could feel overstimulating and exhausting. Is there any chance you could explain that to the organizers very simply, and ask if a booth or curtained space might be set up -- or simply explain that you'd like a quiet corner where you can help just one person at a time?
It wouldn't be a complicated arrangement, or shouldn't have to be....and maybe it'd be nice to retain your connection with nice folks you've met instead of having to give up on the group?
Just a thought, may or may not make sense for you.
Big hugs
Hops
Self-care is Job ONE, for sure, Tupp!
Is it possible to "help" folks at these meetings but build in self-care boundaries at the same time? Like -- "I can tell you about this or that, or suggest going in that direction as it's been helpful to me, or whatever .... I won't be able to do X or Y for you, but I can tell you how I made progress on Z....." Does that sound realistic? I hope so but only you can assess it, or try it to find out.
Just don't want you to feel you have to choose between participating in community life or making friends versus living your own responsible life. Just really want you to know you deserve both, and with simple boundaries, getting more comfortable saying simple Yeses and Nos, you can have them.
You're a hero, Tupp. Heroes need both too.
Big hugs
Hops
Thank you, Lighter, I will give that a go, it does sound good!
I am trying to observe and change my responses. Received a text from lady who runs the group - wants to know when I'm home as she needs to have a chat. I instantly panic - which was interesting, I hadn't really noticed I do it. But the thoughts jumbled through "I'm tired, I've got loads to do today, I can't cope if it's a drama, have I done something wrong, have I upset someone" - it all flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. So - I took a deep breath and quieted my mind. I don't know what she wants to talk about so no point giving it any thought at all. I texted back and said I'd be home tonight or tomorrow (boundary setting). Which of course is fine with her because she's not a fruit loop and doesn't expect people to drop everything the moment she wants to talk to them. So it's all fine, no need for a panic, but it was interesting to me that my brain went straight to disaster scenario. Not sure if that's because I'm very tired (didn't sleep well) or if that would have happened if I were well rested, will have to keep an eye on it. But anyway, I feel a little bit of progress made, largely because I replied saying I was busy and suggesting an alternative, rather than ignoring the text and then worrying about ignoring it. Feels dealt with.
I love that calming exercise, Lighter.
Just READING it felt good.
Thanks!
Hugs
Hops
Wow, Tupp, I am IMPRESSED.
REALLY impressed!
You observed the inner over-alarm, engaged the boundary idea,
communicated your needs calmly, and .... voila! I'm awed.
And the friend texting about her daughter's education issues.
I GET THIS! I have a dear friend also who texts me simple questions
that are easily answered on Google, and I tend to instantly look it up.
That happens a lot. I usually think 'well, I google everything anyway'
so don't really mind...but sometimes I think, what is she thinking when
she asks it? Probably: enjoyable dialogue. Or just: connect by asking a
question, as she's too tired for other talk. I think sometimes it's that.
One thing I do sometimes as a compromise is enter a to-me-obvious
search term, see if some decent-looking results pop up, and then forward
her the link to the entire search, just in case she's having difficulty figuring
out how to ask the query. With education law, I don't know if there's a
portal link where she could begin her own search, but it's a possibility....
In my example, she doesn't do it often, so it's not a serious annoyance.
But it's a great example of how to work within oneself to check on the
leap-to-fix impulse, which I know I have in spades. See above. Busted!
Hugs
Hops
Thank you, Lighter, I will give that a go, it does sound good!
I am trying to observe and change my responses. Received a text from lady who runs the group - wants to know when I'm home as she needs to have a chat. I instantly panic - which was interesting, I hadn't really noticed I do it. But the thoughts jumbled through "I'm tired, I've got loads to do today, I can't cope if it's a drama, have I done something wrong, have I upset someone" - it all flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. So - I took a deep breath and quieted my mind. I don't know what she wants to talk about so no point giving it any thought at all. I texted back and said I'd be home tonight or tomorrow (boundary setting). Which of course is fine with her because she's not a fruit loop and doesn't expect people to drop everything the moment she wants to talk to them. So it's all fine, no need for a panic, but it was interesting to me that my brain went straight to disaster scenario. Not sure if that's because I'm very tired (didn't sleep well) or if that would have happened if I were well rested, will have to keep an eye on it. But anyway, I feel a little bit of progress made, largely because I replied saying I was busy and suggesting an alternative, rather than ignoring the text and then worrying about ignoring it. Feels dealt with.
Simply making a statement.... I'll be home tonight or tomorrow.... is better than making excuses, avoiding, or feeling guilty over something we haven't done, and aren't responsible for.
I think many of us feel responsible, and guilty all the time. It's a low thrumming through our lives we've gotten used to, and don't notice, till we stop, and pay attention, like you did here.
I sent you a few things in your PM box that seem applicable.
Honestly, just noticing the feelings are creating chemical dumps. Becoming aware of them is pretty scary.... sometimes I feel so snowed and mired very deeply, I'm afraid i won't be able to dig myself all the way out, Now, that's fear based thinking, and I want to quiet that too.
Lordy, I'll get there: )
Lighter
Thank you, Lighter, I will give that a go, it does sound good!
I am trying to observe and change my responses. Received a text from lady who runs the group - wants to know when I'm home as she needs to have a chat. I instantly panic - which was interesting, I hadn't really noticed I do it. But the thoughts jumbled through "I'm tired, I've got loads to do today, I can't cope if it's a drama, have I done something wrong, have I upset someone" - it all flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. So - I took a deep breath and quieted my mind. I don't know what she wants to talk about so no point giving it any thought at all. I texted back and said I'd be home tonight or tomorrow (boundary setting). Which of course is fine with her because she's not a fruit loop and doesn't expect people to drop everything the moment she wants to talk to them. So it's all fine, no need for a panic, but it was interesting to me that my brain went straight to disaster scenario. Not sure if that's because I'm very tired (didn't sleep well) or if that would have happened if I were well rested, will have to keep an eye on it. But anyway, I feel a little bit of progress made, largely because I replied saying I was busy and suggesting an alternative, rather than ignoring the text and then worrying about ignoring it. Feels dealt with.
Simply making a statement.... I'll be home tonight or tomorrow.... is better than making excuses, avoiding, or feeling guilty over something we haven't done, and aren't responsible for.
I think many of us feel responsible, and guilty all the time. It's a low thrumming through our lives we've gotten used to, and don't notice, till we stop, and pay attention, like you did here.
I sent you a few things in your PM box that seem applicable.
Honestly, just noticing the feelings are creating chemical dumps. Becoming aware of them is pretty scary.... sometimes I feel so snowed and mired very deeply, I'm afraid i won't be able to dig myself all the way out, Now, that's fear based thinking, and I want to quiet that too.
Lordy, I'll get there: )
Lighter
Thanks for that, Lighter, I'll have a look through them all. And yes, the chemical dumps are hard to cope with. I've spoken to the group lady now, it was just an admin thing she wanted to check with me and make sure I was happy with it. I've got to try really hard to just not try to figure out what someone might say before they say it! I guess I've just been bamboozled so many times now with unexpected responses and suddenly had things like solicitor's letters or child protection reports shoved in to my hand that the fear response just kicks in quicker than anything else.
I'm trying to deal with my paperwork better as well. I've had two big jobs to sort out that have been bothering me. One turned out to take only ten minutes and the other turned out to take no time at all because, having read it properly, it doesn't apply to us anyway so I've just binned it. I think perhaps I need to make more of an effort to read things properly and categorise them instead of assuming that all paperwork is important and/or time consuming. That bit's been hanging over me all week and it's taken less than twenty minutes to cross both jobs off the list.
In other news, we had a doctor's appointment this morning that made me very anxious - again, it's just an instinctive reaction now, I could feel the panic building in the waiting room. I did deep breathing but didn't feel less anxious, but as soon as we're in the office and I was explaining the situation the anxiety went away. It's the unknown, I think. I think it IS the unknown, but also that's one of those times, maybe, where pushing on a wall, gargling BIG, or walking backwards while breathing, would be helpful. Sometimes DOING is necessary, and I forget that. I hope you try one of those, and report back. The doctor was friendly and helpful and has basically said "do what you think is best" (this is in relation to a problem with son's meds) which for me is the best kind of advice so I felt the appointment went well. YAY! I do feel stressed now, I can feel it up in my shoulders, so I'm going to break to do some yoga and try to get back to a sense of calm before collecting son from college.
On another note, I am feeling that there is a big lump of hatred lodged in me somewhere. I'd imagine there are several hate filled bubbles, my dear. I can't quite explain it, but I wake up in the mornings thinking "I hate this life", before I'm even properly awake. I don't know how you wouldn't have that thrumming through your brain pan, considering the last 15 years, Tupp. It's natural, and I so want you to feel better too. THe past is a big heavy wet sucking thing, and it takes mindful action to look at it, deal with it, make friends with it then set it aside in peace, IME It's like it floods out through the night. I'm going to have to try to shift that somehow, I don't think it's healthy. I think you've been learning HOW to shift it. Now you're identifying it, and preparing to deal with it.
That's how you transition into feeling better, IME. One layer at a time, and there are many layers. We do well not to judge, but just keep looking toward the next thing that comes up... when they show up, they're asking for attention, IME. They aren't trying to overwhelm us, or drown us... it's how they present, and let us know it's time to do that work, IME.
Sometimes it can seem scary, and humans try to avoid pain at all costs, but I think it can be exciting too, bc we also understand spending time looking at the painful stuff is how we get past it.
I think you've come so far, I just want to make sure you take time, pat yourself on the back, and recognize how amazing you are. Now that you're practicing yoga, working on mindfulness, and new coping strategies.... you'll keep snowballing into feeling better, and better as you work through the layers. The more you practice, the easier it gets. The more familier, the more often you default in favor of positive choices, kwim?
I see it so clearly for you, and that helps me see it for me too (((Tupp.)))
However in the world will be figure out boundaries, put them in place, and somehow find comfort behind them, Tupp?
I reallhy want you to creatively solve your privacy problem in the group, and keep the positives you've found there. Can you borrow an office, or even a hallway for your one on one meetings? Maybe even put up one of those tri fold cardboard things kids use for projects at school... sitting on the table between you and the rest of the group. Yu could put a sign on it with instructions....
PUT YOUR NAME ON THE LIST BELOW THEN WAIT TILL YOUR NAME IS CALLED.... something.
I'm noticing how my energy invites people to talk AT me, and overshare, and that really robs the joy out of things that should bring joy... like dropping off a basket of food to post op neighbors.
I just can't solve their problems with meds that aren't doing the trick with pain, and if they won't consider doing something, like askig the doc for a med that actually works, then I need to go on my way. Does talking about it help? I'm sure it does, but it's too draining to get trapped for too long, and not know how to end it without feeling bad. It's a double whammy bc I get drained the beat myself up for not having better boundaries, then have a harder time problem solving from that negative head space.
I should think up better boundaries, and have them ready to deploy proactively.... so I don't have to think when I'm in the thick of being talked at or trapped. I can just DO that thing I thought of ahead, and know it's better for everyone all the way around.
Yup yup yup.
Good luck figuring out how to handle the group, Tupp.
Lighter
I think you're coping amazingly, Tupp.
When you stop beating yourself up and just make whatever daily adjustments you
need to make, in order to get through that day with less emotional exhaustion, you're doing more than a whole lot of hopelessly dysfunctional people do!
From my friends who are mildly on the spectrum, I recognize a powerful commitment to timelines, logical arrangements, and things not being changed willy-nilly. I think it's difficult to just "go with the flow" and adjust your approach to things in mid-air. Or, I can't imagine that WOULDN'T be difficult!
For that reason, dear, you awe me more than ever. That you have dealt with all you deal with with such grace and at times transcendent common sense, is miraculous.
DO rest up, be nice to yourself, and don't worry about perfection or tight control of every task or challenge. Ain't no such thing.
Hugs
Hops
Hi Tupp:
I wanted to post back about that reflexive offer to help.
That's something I do, and I'm trying to stop doing it reflexively, give myself a bit of time to breathe, then see if I really have the time, and resources.... I'd like to be able to ask myself if it's appropriate if it's something that will bring me more of what I want, etc.
The last thing you said, about people treating you badly is about THEM, not YOU....
HUGE bit of information there!
It's easier to process IF we're not feeling it reflects on US, for sure.
Elevate those tired feet, and drink plenty of water.
Lighter
Purposely didn't drop what I was doing to accommodate. Feels odd but I know it's right.
In other words, if you want to set your expectations appropriately, the truth is that it will probably take you anywhere from two months to eight months to build a new behavior into your life -- not 21 days.[/size][/i][/color][/b]
Interestingly, the researchers also found that "missing one opportunity to perform the behavior did not materially affect the habit formation process." In other words, it doesn't matter if you mess up every now and then. Building better habits is not an all-or-nothing process.
the penny just dropped all of a sudden. I've felt for years that something I do attracts certain kinds of experiences and people to me. But it doesn't.
Morning anger > stress mounting > noise > pain.
How horrid, Tupp. I wish your sensitivity to noise-stress (can't imagine what it does to Son) could qualify to get you on a list for different housing. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you. Just READING it made my shoulders tighten!
I remember when you first moved, there was a plan to be in the house for six months (because you knew it wasn't pleasant or spacious enough) and then move to a better one. Are you still on the list for a change in housing? Or was the information you were given about how the process worked in your new city incorrect?
As to your sister, did you ever manage to say plainly to her: Do Not Mention mother to me. At all. It triggers me into a bad state of stress. (And then if she ignores that request, block her.) I thought that was the plan...
I'm so sorry Tupp. I wish I could help.
Sending comfort, courage (well, you already have that, champion level) and calm...
Hugs
Hops
PS I also think of how incredibly helpful your post would be to a T. Hand it over, give them a few minutes to read it. Can't imagine how meanginful that would be. You write so well that one understands instantly all you're trying to cope with. And then the T can direct the session very intentionally into what might help.
Can you still access a T? You deserve that concentrated help.
Wow, ((((Tupp))).
In addition to big stress, it also keeps striking me that you have big vision.
That you still dream, have deep imagination, and remarkable resilience (as I sit here comfortably with an iota of the load you carry) is incredibly inspiring to me. Thank you. You'll never know how valuable your story here is to others, but I just want to say it.
I SO wish that beautiful cottage could be yours tomorrow. And more.
When I talked about a T I was thinking of the compassionate one you trusted in your previous city. It seems WRONG to me that a person living with all that you carry isn't helped by access (and financially supported access) to a therapist. But if wishes were horses, we'd all be riding.
I am awed by your determination, your courage, and the fact that when you fall or sink, you get up or swim. There's enormous depth to you. You have character where it counts, in spades.
Be proud of yourself today. Truly proud.
hugs
Hops
Ye GODS, Tupp.
Complex, my ass.
This account really did help me understand. I think the volume of pages you provided probably flipped some switch in various bureaucratic heads so they skipped way forward to a familiar, but incomplete, way of "summarizing" you. And son. And family. Damn. I'm sorry.
Question... is it too late to press charges against your stepfather? And...can you request from the courts a legal order of protection from your mother? I think since you have custody now, it's a fairly simple matter.
But I don't know. Might be a comfort to you, now that you're hearing about her hints that she wants to "visit." It sounds to me (with limited knowledge of restraining orders in the U.K.) that it would be a perfect reason for the court to understand why you're asking for it now. If you say you and Son are settled, he's in college, you've worked hard at establishing a stable routine for him, and all those extra activities, etc., and that from your own experience a visit from his grandmother would be massively destabilizing for him (as well as yourself), it's just a rubber stamp?
Hope I'm right but I'm probably not. Just a wish for you.
love and comfort,
Hops
Sorry, Tupp.
I keep stupidly suggestion new interactions with new institutional resources when it's very clear that you've been front and center, have battled those systems all you can bear, and have worked out the sanest and realest position for continuing your own sane life.
YOU know best, and I apologize for dragging forth another exhausting explanation!
I so have much confidence in you. And I'm really happy you've got a new mattress!
Waving magic wand from across the pond...
with big hugs,
Hops
Tupp, you OK:
I think doing what you agreed, then not offering to do more on that document sounds reasonable, Tupp.
Maybe the lady won't actually need it done differently if she's the one who has to do it.
She hasn't thought things through, and it's unfair that you're the one paying the price.
Good for you. Take care of yourself first.
::nodding::.
Lighter
I get it, Tupp. Here's some script play (toss at your pleasure!)
Dear XX (lady you like a lot) --
Good to hear from you. Gosh, wish I'd gotten this earlier. What I've
done already is based on what we'd all discussed some weeks back,
and it did take hours. I'm afraid I can't start over again now but
I hope this will still helpful! It's attached...do take what's useful
and ignore the rest.
Best,
Tupp
You write SO well, Tupp.
And there ARE a lot of work-from-home jobs!!!
I had a church acquaintance who made a LARGE living
teaching online for an online university.
There are so many of them who hire online instructors.
Every subject you can imagine.
There might even be an online tutoring program.
Good luck with this!
Hugs
Hops
Tupp,
I think scanning and burning the paper piles is a brilliant idea. This way they'll take up a LOT less space in both your home and in your mind. The constant reminder of stacks of sh** is one thing that has been really stressful for me. Beginning to get a grip, so a lot more of it is out of sight. Really helps. Bravo, you.
How lovely that a good friend is coming! Hope you have a wonderful time, take comfort in this friendship.
It sounds great too that you're stepping back from what you can't fix (group leader lady being too scattered to not waste volunteers' time) but, if I understand right, remaining active with the group anyway to possibly build positive relationships?
And of course would love to hear about the moving plan as it shapes up. You deserve a non-damp, cheery home with enough space for you and son to breathe and relax. This was a stop-gap and though moving's hard, I'll keep all fingers and toes crossed for the right place to appear.
Open to the possibility of good things happening! (300 pounds is a nice hint...)
Hugs
Hops
OH TUPP I'm going to twirl in the moss, and smile to the sun... just over the moon about your plans to move, be closer to friends, and dive back into life... teaching... other opportunities that have yet to be revealed!
That's is amazing news, and I want you to know that it's just the spark I need to go into the office and dig in. After moss twirling, of course; )
Lighter
Well, you've done this before, and this time you're all in with self protection, and expectations seems to me.
You're certainly capable of organizing this move, finding a new location, and making it happen. I feel good about your choice to just cut ties with forwarding addresses. Pick and choose who you invite into your life. Are the friends, 90 min away, the ones who visited you before? The lovely people? Was this last visit from that same friend?
I know your son is developmentally young for his age. Is that age now about 5yo approximately, or older? Will he continue to mature, or is that something that's not changing?
I hope this move brings new opportunities, and a fresh start for you and ds. The town sounds nice, and living on the coast has it's charms.
I talked about my past, that I miss so so much, with my T, and she listened intently, looked me in the eye, and said... "That's over now. You're past that, and it will never come again. You have to think about building a life in the present. " I'm paraphrasing, but that was her message.
She went on about how amazing the world is, and what joy there is to be had... many other very nice things, and I think I just blinked at her, perhaps very flat, bc she sent me some things on how we're really afraid of how powerful we are, not how wanting we are.
She's ready for me to step into my power, and I'm thinking that would be an amazing next step, no matter what I do.
I have the feeling that letting go of the past, as you've said recently, is a big part of the next step in this journey.
I hope you find a shady little garden, with plenty of moisture from the coast so that moss grows in shaggy abandon, good for wiggling toes in, ((Tupp.))
Lighter
I really like the sound of this other town, Tupp.
I hope this plan will come to life.
I like your realism and controlled expectations, too.
I just hate the idea of you going through another move because of you-know-who. That this old bat still has influence over your life is a frustrating thought.
Do you think you'd feel differently about your present town if you were in a more pleasant home? I was crushed for you when it became clear that your "new" place was poky, moldy, damp and cramped. You deserve enough space to breathe, NO damp or mold, and somewhere you really can make cozy. I understood completely why things went dark in your mind for a while.
I like your new plan too. But I hope Nmom is irrelevant.
love
Hops
You say what'cha need to say, Tupp.
Sometimes there's a place for actual F bombs, as well.
I'm completely giving this post.
Lighter