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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: 2021 Farm Log

« Last post by sKePTiKal on October 18, 2021, 12:57:06 PM »

Excitement energy has returned.
5 days to B.

Whatever the last 2 months were - I needed it. Seasonal adaptation, not wanting to let him go back, just a "time-out" to just enjoy being ME, in whatever mode I was.... what I didn't need, was having to explain myself to Hol. She insists she just wants to deepen & improve our relationship.... sigh.

But I DID my therapy already; I don't need to rehash it again - and especially with her. I don't think it serves any useful purpose for her.  I've managed so far, to stand up my boundaries about it. Present her with a couple things to chew on that are true for me. And to get her to go focus on HER ISSUES; let me be. I don't understand the need to overshare so much about myself, from various systems, philosophies, or "truths" that I end up not knowing who the hell I am again.

It's not a hostile situation between us. She's a little frustrated because she's not accepting that my answers are valid. She's looking for something deeper, more solid, or maybe her own in that. I'm just living my life, doing what and as much as I want... and I don't have to explain myself to her. Jeez.

She's flailing a bit with the not working. But she has a commission for the holidays to start work on. Cutting out patterns today while the last bits of construction get completed on Hut & garage today & tomorrow. She's helping prep for a friend's birthday party this weekend in the city, so that gets her gone the day B arrives. S is working, but should be home to pick up the dog before B gets here. (There is some typical male ego crap going on between those two and Hol and I have decided THEY can work it out among themselves.) S & I have been interacting just fine as we needed to while Hol was working, so I'm not worried about it.  And I've already set boundaries with B.

Got some warmer fall weather coming in and I think Hol & I are gonna tackle yard duties again. The house is pretty well squared away; still have a few things on the to-do list. Then I think I'll get the little bit of Christmas shopping I'll do, done. And look for patterns - I've been looking at a lot of historical fashion lately. It's not something I would actually wear - but exploring it (for now; for me) to see what idea is percolating.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2021?

« Last post by Hopalong on October 18, 2021, 12:02:34 PM »

I'm sorry, Tupp. It hadn't sunk into my brain that he is a confirmed drug dealer. I didn't mean to minimize what your situation really is, but I think unconsciously I was. Partly because I'm so frustrated that I can't help. It outrages me that you and Son are having to put up with this chronic tension, and that nothing can be done until he's caught breaking the law (again).

I also (but from a far more comfortable situation) understand what you're talking about with insensitivity (and occasional unkindness) from people who are better off. It's gotten better for me over time and with finding more considerate friends, but for years I'd feel truly pulled down by everyone I knew asking me to meet them for meals out. I kept wondering -- surely they know I'm struggling right now? I could propose cheaper alternatives or meeting at home and often did, but they'd most of the time still want to arrange to try new restaurants or propose total evenings out that would drill right through my budget. It's better now that I cut up all my credit cards and have no debt. Now I just say sorry, that's beyond my budget, but let me know when you can do X. It increased my isolation for years, though.

I remember feeling torn between sticking to my no-debt determination and being able to tend the friendships that still kept me sane. (This area's generally so wealthy that if I reject everybody who's oblivious to class pain, I'd have nobody.) Over time I got more direct but without indicating any resentment: "Sorry, I'm budgeting so we need to brown-bag lunch or meet for a glass of wine late afternoon, but not dinner." I'm a crappy cook so it's awkward to invite people for dinner but now and then I'll do "Soup and bread supper and Netflix, my house?" and spell it out: "just fill you up food, nothing fancy" for those who can't bear ordinariness. Sigh.

Potluck and/or brown-bagging agreements have helped. Ironically, my oldest friend who works for her very-famous-Emmy-winning actress SIL and major Hollywood art director brother, knows all about wealth (as I do, from observations all my life and a few relationships) yet she's the most considerate. She'll call and offer to pick up a meal for us both, brings it here and we have an excellent time yakking our way through the evening. I pay for mine but just being able to relax with our feet up and drink whatever cheap wine I have on hand (or she brings her own sometimes) feels gentler on my wallet and my back. No tipping needed, either (I tip very generously when I do eat out--invariably more than the friend accompanying me!). Anyway, I know the menus of the two non-fanciest places we both like, so I can choose what I want to spend. Nothing wrong with a great big healthy snack at home beforehand.

I'm rambling. I can completely imagine, now, what you're facing. And it makes great sense that your feelings about better-off people sometimes being insensitive or unkind are rising up. You're in a situation where steady and compassionate real-life support and recognition (NOT forgetting what you deal with -- again, your daily reality) would help a lot. Thank god for the friends who've offered breaks and boltholes.

I hope for as long as you're there, a few other kind honest people will find you, or vice versa.

Hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2021?

« Last post by Twoapenny on October 18, 2021, 10:07:52 AM »

In unrelated news, I was thinking today about all the times someone/some people have done something unfair or unpleasant in some way through my life - from school age nastiness (bitchy girls) to boyfriends, friends, family, various professionals/legal people etc and up to our present situation.  What occurred to me is that, every single person I can think of who has had a negative effect or impact in my life in some way is in a better situation than I am.  Whether it was the girls at school, who came from nice homes and had nice clothes, went on holidays and had parents that weren't always drunk right up to the present situation with housing officers who've put us somewhere they'd never live themselves and this guy next door who's making enough money to go and rent a place somewhere else and leave that flat for someone who needs it (and who wouldn't be causing us problems), everyone I can think of was better off in some way than me.  Now why is that?  I've never noticed it before but I can get someone upset, down on their luck, struggling to cope doing or saying something nasty (like your friend at the beach house Hopsie - horrible what she said, and unnecessary, but I get that she's lashing out because it hurts) but people who are doing fine?  Why do they target someone who isn't doing as well, for whatever reason?  Hmmm.  I will keep pondering xx

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2021?

« Last post by Twoapenny on October 18, 2021, 08:50:09 AM »

Hopsie, with all due respect what I've posted on here is only a fraction of what's been going on - he's a well known and well connected local dealer with convictions for violence and known associates who are far worse than he is.  The loud adolescent drama is the act - that's the bit that covers up the real violence and severity of the situation.  Nothing can be done - I've exhausted all appropriate and necessary avenues and everyone's the same - provide them with evidence and if he endangers us, then they'll take action against him.  No way I'm taking that risk, for myself or son.  So we'll need to move first, then I'll send them everything I've got once we're safely away.  I can do no more.  I feel relatively safe with the steps I've taken and will continue to stay off his radar as much as possible.  I'm not sleeping well - I wake very early each morning feeling anxious and then can't get back to sleep.  I'm at the top limit of meds that I can still function with so other than just drugging myself and son completely day and night this is as good as it's going to get for now.  We are booking holidays away, Covid permitting - son's savings (which we were going to use to move) were intended for holidays and away days for him so now seems like a good time to put that into action.  I do still find myself wondering if we should have just gone for that other flat but it might have meant we'd have been stuck in an even worse situation - no way of knowing really.  This flat is nice and the location is very convenient - it's just this situation that's caused all the problems (and not just for us - three other sets of neighbours have moved out in the last year).

Anyway - we should be able to start looking for something else informally around May/June next year, officially apply for a swap in July and if we can get something fairly quickly hopefully go September/October time.  So realistically maybe another twelve months minimum, we've got our holidays we can do and still have the various friends who offered boltholes so that should break it all up a bit. xx

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2021?

« Last post by Hopalong on October 18, 2021, 01:27:25 AM »

Excellent plan, Tupp, to focus on your finances, savings and getting ready for Chapter Next.

I hope you don't imagine yourself into thinking you'd be offed. I know it's been hideous and he's got something wrong upstairs, but all that loud adolescent drama doesn't mean he is a present threat to your life, does it really? He draws so much attention to himself with his issues that it's hard to imagine he'd go off into THAT.

It's hard enough you're feeling mentally imprisoned, but try not to add wilder fears to the stress and annoyance--that's all stressful enough. I know what you mean about his jekyl-hyde personality though, and that would be unnerving to anybody. My nerves would be on edge too had I put up with what you've gone through. But I hope winter will calm things down there and your worst problem will be boredom. Fingers (and toes) crossed!

I so wish I had a magic wand. I'd wave it over you and Son and get you both into a calmer, happier, more peaceful situation in a heartbeat. It will come, but it really pisses me off that you have to wait.

I'm sad that you've gotten stuck in this even though it's temporary, because I can imagine how slowly time seems to be going. The fact that you fill your time with something as productive as focusing on your financial life with a new degree of care impresses me enormously. You still have agency, and choices, and your excellent mind, and you're using them well.

Very well. Amazingly so. I have so much respect for your courage and calm.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2021?

« Last post by Twoapenny on October 17, 2021, 04:58:30 PM »

Thanks, Hopsie.  It is the unfairness of it that bothers me most, along with the uselessness of the various systems/agencies (none of whom will do anything to guarantee our safety - action will be taken if he does something but not before, ridiculous) and that sense of not being able to see this coming - so therefore not being able to prevent it.  I checked everything as thoroughly as I possibly could, visited the estate before even applying, I checked online information about crime, looked for reports about the estate, anti social behaviour, all those sort of things.  I really couldn't have done any more, other than keeping the other house going for a couple of months in case we needed to move back in - but realistically, who on earth does that?  I did have an overlap so if there'd been a hint of this I could have pulled the plug before we moved in but he was just so nice.  It sends a chill down my spine - how many women end up dead because they meet a man who is just so nice?  Master manipulator, too good even for me to spot and I consider myself an expert!  Lol.

I am trying to be more business like about the whole thing - I got some books out of the library about business and finance and I've started applying the principles in those to my little life.  My income is small compared to many but I can maximise what's coming in and minimize what's going out, and I can organise myself and my home the way I'd run a business.  It feels more useful than hoping some miracle will occur and he'll just vaporise or something like that.  Gives me something else to focus on, anyway xx

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2021?

« Last post by Hopalong on October 17, 2021, 02:56:23 PM »

son and I do what we need to do outdoors in the mornings when he's not here and then lock ourselves in from lunchtime until the following morning

Unfair on STEROIDS.

Thank god you are the responsible organized human you are.

I'm sorry, Tupp. Unspeakably sorry. But awed by you as ever.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2021?

« Last post by Twoapenny on October 17, 2021, 02:01:50 PM »

Thanks, Hopsie.  Yes, knowing rather than suspecting and advice from a friend (who was in the same line of work himself years ago and got caught) that it sounds like a serious and therefore potentially dangerous situation that I'm best to distance myself from as soon as possible.  Unfair is definitely the word for it!  I've made us as safe as I can, the car is kept loaded for an emergency exit should we need one and I'm taking practical steps to get money together so we can leave as soon as practical/possible.  I've managed to avoid him completely, basically son and I do what we need to do outdoors in the mornings when he's not here and then lock ourselves in from lunchtime until the following morning so that we don't cross paths xx

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2021?

« Last post by Hopalong on October 17, 2021, 01:48:05 PM »

I get it.

Wondering if you've gone from fearing to knowing about the activities nearby?
Might be true. Did something other than somebody's imagination about the schedule etc. prove it to be real?

I so hope it's not. Sounds like a very reasonable concern though, with no other explanation for the movement of people and so forth.

Sheesh. It hits me over and over how f***ing UNFAIR all that is, for you to go through.

At least winter will keep more people quieter and indoors more, and there'll be less chaos. Chaos is encouraged by warm weather, easy gathering, etc.

Wishing you as peaceful-as-possible a cold season while kitty purrs, Son relaxes more, and you are still a seer-of-alternatives. I might want to smack myself for holding on to the possibility of good things happening. For you just for now, I'll revise it to the possibility of better things happening. "Good" might feel like a stretch.

MUCH Netflix and a great stack of great novels too, I hope. Sometimes that's all that makes present realities endurable. I hope despite the various pollutants, that the spacious flat and its twinkly views still offer some measure of the physical comfort you've so urgently needed.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Relationship/s

« Last post by Hopalong on October 17, 2021, 01:41:17 PM »

I like that, Amber. Extremely helpful for me to ponder this on many levels and about many circumstances.

We are designed to work for and create what we want/need. And fight for our selves, too. To create our own safety.

Thank you. Mucho.

hugs
Hops