With over 100,000 posts and 2 million pageviews, the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board has become a valuable resource for people learning about and dealing with narcissistic spouses/partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, siblings, adult children, bosses, and co-workers--as well as other sources of "voicelessness."
What if the most powerful tool in a therapist’s "toolbox" is the relationship between client and therapist? And what if this tool is neither examined nor taught in therapist training programs? Voicelessness and Emotional Survival: Notes from the therapy underground, a short book by Dr. Richard Grossman begins by describing the author’s personal and painful experiences as a student, practitioner and patient in the traditional therapy world and then reveals what he learned from these experiences (including the importance of “character,” “subtext” and “repetition” in all relationships, including therapeutic relationships), how understanding and valuing the real patient-therapist relationship changed his practice of therapy and how this new approach significantly improves the lives of patients. CBS News calls this new approach "relationship therapy for one" (https://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-bachelorette-rachel-lindsay-and-relationship-therapy-for-one/). The book is available on Amazon at: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1790164028.
A book has also been written by Sara Field, describing in detail her experience of this therapy from the patient side of the room: The Mathematician and the Teddy Bear: My epic struggle to let someone in. This book is also available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Mathematician-Teddy-Bear-struggle-someone/dp/1514215772/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=The+Mathematician+and+the+Teddy+Bear&qid=1563841976&s=gateway&sr=8-1
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Hi, Tupp:
I'm glad you made a connection with your new T.
DD found one this week too! Yay!
Having things explained, the way your T is explaining to you, helps move forward much faster and more easily, IME. It helps bring lasting change and teach us to help ourselves, which is amazing.
:nodding::
Keep us updated. Very exciting!
lighter
Thanks, LighterGlad DD has found someone as well. It does help to have people explain things, as you say. I find it much easier to concentrate on what I'm doing if I understand why I'm doing it. It makes more sense to me and cuts down on my 'what if' questions. Yup yup yup.
Yesterday was a tough day. I have to admit I was a bit disappointed - because I'd felt so good after the session last week I'd kind of assumed that I'd come bouncing out each time and eventually just bounce constantly. So I did feel a little bit disappointed that wasn't the case, but I'm aware that I need to be realistic and acknowledge that it isn't magic, we're still working through tough stuff, just (hopefully) in a quicker and more productive way.
My view of T, at this point, is.... we use one appointment to identify something that needs attention, then the next appointment to work through it, which feels AMAZING every time. I used to spend time wishing every appointment could be magic, but sometimes we go places that surprise and amaze me... lead to something I didn't know was there. Just very productive on the whole, even if they can't all be processing really difficult problematic emotions that pop up consistently in my life, kwim? I decided to just go with it and barely moved off the sofa all day, apart from a little walk with son in the afternoon. I struggle with days like that, because I know not getting things done stresses me out. My T would say ego and judgment are involved.... I think.
She'd ask me to be super compassionate and pay close nonjudgmental attention to what's going on in and around me. But equally I think I need to learn to listen to my body more and not force myself through things so much, so I let it go and did very little. And that's what you needed to be doing. Tending to yourself in the way you needed to be tended to. No good or right way, particularly based on old standards and voices in our heads, right? Just paying attention and noticing.... holding ourselves with deep compassion. It goes in and out of focus for me, but I notice gets easier.
The sense of loss and the ache for my dad was very real and very present, and when I closed my eyes I was literally back in our house when we were kids, at the bottom of the stairs with his arms around me on the day he left. I could feel him and smell him and I just felt so numb. ((((Tupp)))) What struck me is that I've never felt the same sense of loss with my mum. That's understandable, IMO. Completely. I've missed having a family, but more the idea of a family, not the one I actually had. I haven't looked back and wished I could recreate a moment with her, without it meaning a huge change in her behavior. I don't have that with my dad, and I feel very lucky to have those good memories of him, few that they are.
I wonder if it would be helpful to go back and recreate some touching memories with your mother for little Tupp.... she so deserved a less broken mother and I've found changing and replacing memories to be a very helpful tool for my journey. I don't know. Maybe my wanting that for you is the wrong thing for your journey, but I want to say share what comes up for me.
Little things have started making sense. I feel a sense of panic if there is little food in the house. I think this stems from the time the police reported me to social services after I'd reported my step-dad to them. There wasn't much in the fridge as I shopped day to day (still do most of the time) and it was one of the things they flagged up. I feel anxious every time I open the fridge door and see there's not much in there. Grrrrrrr.... I feel so helpless for you, having had people poking around in my fridge too. There doesn't need to be; we've three shops within a ten minute walk and about another twenty within a ten minute bus ride, so shopping day to day gives son practise at life skills, gives us a bit of exercise and cuts down on wasted food. It's sensible, yet that anxiety crops up and I think that's where it's from. And that's SO unfair, makes zero sense and couldn't be farther from the stupid things people assume when directed by harmful PD individuals who want to do us harm. Good Lord, Tupp.... that was so unfair. Similarly, the paralysis that I experience (like yesterday, when I barely moved) stems, I think, from the first time my step dad assaulted me. We were on holiday at a caravan park at the time, and I remember that every time we went on holiday after that, I never used to clean my teeth for the whole time we were there. I suppose, sub consciously, I was trying to put him off kissing me. Isn't it weird how we do things and have behaviours for years and don't realise why? I think it stems from that, almost that sense of 'If I keep completely still, no-one can see me'. If I don't move off the sofa, nothing bad can happen (I did clean my teeth yesterday, though
Truly. Good job connecting dots and SEEING the truth.
Phew. Hard work. Revelations. I didn't sleep too well last night but feel better than I did yesterday so will try to crack on a bit through the day. Son and I have a book date! They've started a scheme at the local library where you can book an appointment with the librarian and discuss books over tea and cake
I also suggested to son yesterday that we both learn as much as we can about computers and IT and then, when we know enough, we can teach other people. I've an idea at the back of my mind that, once I've got son's at-home, tech based programme up and running, we could extend it and start teaching small groups of adults with learning disabilities useful tech skills, and things like digital photography and short film making, as an alternative or addition to the gardening and car washing that they all seem to be expected to do at the moment. He thinks it's a great idea so I feel better about offering him an alternative to college that he'll enjoy and do well at.
That's all for today! Will report back later
And when they feeeeel small, remember there are discoveries in the quiet still moments you'll learn from. SElf compassion, nonjudgmental focus... leaning into curiosity about everything inside and around you. Again, yes: )
Lighter
Your IT idea is a good one, Tupp. I think you and your son could really make an impact on your community with that and it sounds like he would enjoy it for its own sake as well.
I know this kind of work is slow and painstaking, but I do see a correlation between this idea that you have and the work you are doing. Be patient! I think some breakthroughs are coming!
CB
I'm not having the same 'oh my goodness I feel good' feeling that I did last week but I do feel better than I did yesterday - calmer and clearer headed which is nice xx xx
