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I'm looking through teas at the store...... what's in the tea box....
putting hands on milk thistle supplement....
pulling zeolites....
I can do a 12 hour fast, Amber, yup yup yup.

Hi, Tupp:

I'm glad you made a connection with your new T.

DD found one this week too!  Yay!

Having things explained, the way your T is explaining to you, helps move forward much faster and more easily, IME.  It helps bring lasting change and teach us to help ourselves, which is amazing.


Keep us updated.  Very exciting!


Thanks, Lighter :)  Glad DD has found someone as well.  It does help to have people explain things, as you say.  I find it much easier to concentrate on what I'm doing if I understand why I'm doing it.  It makes more sense to me and cuts down on my 'what if' questions.  Yup yup yup.

Yesterday was a tough day.  I have to admit I was a bit disappointed - because I'd felt so good after the session last week I'd kind of assumed that I'd come bouncing out each time and eventually just bounce constantly.  So I did feel a little bit disappointed that wasn't the case, but I'm aware that I need to be realistic and acknowledge that it isn't magic, we're still working through tough stuff, just (hopefully) in a quicker and more productive way.

My view of T, at this point, is.... we use one appointment to identify something that needs attention, then the next appointment to work through it, which feels AMAZING every time.  I used to spend time wishing every appointment could be magic, but sometimes we go places that surprise and amaze me... lead to something I didn't know was there.   Just very productive on the whole, even if they can't all be processing really difficult problematic emotions that pop up consistently in my life, kwim? I decided to just go with it and barely moved off the sofa all day, apart from a little walk with son in the afternoon.  I struggle with days like that, because I know not getting things done stresses me out. My T would say ego and judgment are involved.... I think.
 She'd ask me to be super compassionate and pay close nonjudgmental attention to what's going on in and around me.
But equally I think I need to learn to listen to my body more and not force myself through things so much, so I let it go and did very little.  And that's what you needed to be doing.  Tending to yourself in the way you needed to be tended to.  No good or right way, particularly based on old standards and voices in our heads, right?  Just paying attention and noticing.... holding ourselves with deep compassion.  It goes in and out of focus for me, but I notice gets easier.

The sense of loss and the ache for my dad was very real and very present, and when I closed my eyes I was literally back in our house when we were kids, at the bottom of the stairs with his arms around me on the day he left.  I could feel him and smell him and I just felt so numb. ((((Tupp))))  What struck me is that I've never felt the same sense of loss with my mum. That's understandable, IMO.  Completely. I've missed having a family, but more the idea of a family, not the one I actually had.  I haven't looked back and wished I could recreate a moment with her, without it meaning a huge change in her behavior.  I don't have that with my dad, and I feel very lucky to have those good memories of him, few that they are. 

I wonder if it would be helpful to go back and recreate some touching memories with your mother for little Tupp.... she so deserved a less broken mother and I've found changing and replacing memories to be a very helpful tool for my journey.  I don't know.  Maybe my wanting that for you is the wrong thing for your journey, but I want to say share what comes up for me.

Little things have started making sense.  I feel a sense of panic if there is little food in the house.  I think this stems from the time the police reported me to social services after I'd reported my step-dad to them.  There wasn't much in the fridge as I shopped day to day (still do most of the time) and it was one of the things they flagged up.  I feel anxious every time I open the fridge door and see there's not much in there. Grrrrrrr.... I feel so helpless for you, having had people poking around in my fridge too. There doesn't need to be; we've three shops within a ten minute walk and about another twenty within a ten minute bus ride, so shopping day to day gives son practise at life skills, gives us a bit of exercise and cuts down on wasted food.  It's sensible, yet that anxiety crops up and I think that's where it's from. And that's SO unfair, makes zero sense and couldn't be farther from the stupid things people assume when directed by harmful PD individuals who want to do us harm.  Good Lord, Tupp.... that was so unfair. Similarly, the paralysis that I experience (like yesterday, when I barely moved) stems, I think, from the first time my step dad assaulted me.  We were on holiday at a caravan park at the time, and I remember that every time we went on holiday after that, I never used to clean my teeth for the whole time we were there.  I suppose, sub consciously, I was trying to put him off kissing me.  Isn't it weird how we do things and have behaviours for years and don't realise why?  I think it stems from that, almost that sense of 'If I keep completely still, no-one can see me'.  If I don't move off the sofa, nothing bad can happen (I did clean my teeth yesterday, though :) ).  You're so strong to have brought those charges against him.... report his crimes.... TELL on him.  Even though the system's broken, you did everything you could do and that's enough (((Tupp.)))That's all you can do and I'm in awe of your perseverance and resilience.
 Truly.  Good job connecting dots and SEEING the truth. 

Phew.  Hard work.  Revelations.  I didn't sleep too well last night but feel better than I did yesterday so will try to crack on a bit through the day.  Son and I have a book date!  They've started a scheme at the local library where you can book an appointment with the librarian and discuss books over tea and cake :)  My girls and I loved spending time in the stacks too!  It's an adventure, a quiet respite, a chance to explore and adding tea and cake, whoo hoo!  That's an outing I'd love to attend.I tried to book son on to it but they were fully booked, so we've arranged our own outing today to discuss books over cake and hot chocolate and then go book shopping.  So I will have to leave the house for that and I'll enjoy it.  ::Swooning over that outint::. Again, you make your son's life so much more fulfilling and rich and you're always thinking things through to create growth and learning opportunities.   You're an amazing human being.  I hope you believe that.  I imagine you creating these kinds of experiences for others.... your son can share, teach and engage in them too, as with the IT idea below.  Yes: )

I also suggested to son yesterday that we both learn as much as we can about computers and IT and then, when we know enough, we can teach other people.  I've an idea at the back of my mind that, once I've got son's at-home, tech based programme up and running, we could extend it and start teaching small groups of adults with learning disabilities useful tech skills, and things like digital photography and short film making, as an alternative or addition to the gardening and car washing that they all seem to be expected to do at the moment. He thinks it's a great idea so I feel better about offering him an alternative to college that he'll enjoy and do well at.

That's all for today!  Will report back later :) xx  BIG days, Tupp.
 And when they feeeeel small, remember there are discoveries in the quiet still moments you'll learn from.  SElf compassion, nonjudgmental focus... leaning into curiosity about everything inside and around you.  Again, yes: )


Wow, Tupp. Just WOW.

You are making connections with such great emotional logic (stillness on sofa, couch) and there's a bright energy in it as I read it. Like, some of the liberated energy that went for so long into encapsulating you is being freed up for INSIGHT.

INSIGHT is different than cataloguing and control. It's the most potent and beautiful thing and I'm seeing you have a lot of it.

I am genuinely still thrilled for you.

I'm also very impressed that you thought so rationally about why you didn't have the "high" of your first discoveries replicate itself or clone itself precisely with each later session. That is REAL thinking and HEALTHY expectation.

Knowing that two steps forward + one step back really DOES still = FORWARD is so important. This realization carries peace.

I'm so proud of you. I hope you are prouder.

San Francisco!
I hope you'll do all you can in the PRESENT MOMENT with those you love,
and pull every small joy and beauty and moment of connection from this time.

A tree, a flower, a sunset, a skyline, a wonderful breeze, a smile, a small kindness
from any human being.

I wish you all of these, Bettyanne.

Please, leave her behind, let her go, dump the bad memories in the Bay. Let her rest in
peace so you can LIVE in peace. You deserve to.

Wow.  This thread is an amazing thing of beauty to read.

You have a wonderful trip in SF, Bettyanne.  Drop a line if you have time: )
Your IT idea is a good one, Tupp. I think you and your son could really make an impact on your community with that and it sounds like he would enjoy it for its own sake as well.

I know this kind of work is slow and painstaking, but I do see a correlation between this idea that you have and the work you are doing. Be patient! I think some breakthroughs are coming!


Lol, thanks, CB, I long for breakthroughs!  I like the IT idea as well; something we can both work at, son is great at explaining technical things to people because his brain is so logical and he has the most amazing memory.  I'm good at ideas and finding resources and explaining things in different ways so I think we'd make a good team.

Today was a better day.  I worked quite solidly from 8am to 4pm, I've got a nice roast dinner to put on it a bit and now have the evening free to do a bit of whatever :)  I'm not having the same 'oh my goodness I feel good' feeling that I did last week but I do feel better than I did yesterday - calmer and clearer headed which is nice :) xx
Your IT idea is a good one, Tupp. I think you and your son could really make an impact on your community with that and it sounds like he would enjoy it for its own sake as well.

I know this kind of work is slow and painstaking, but I do see a correlation between this idea that you have and the work you are doing. Be patient! I think some breakthroughs are coming!

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Brain Stuff
« Last post by lighter on Today at 09:56:41 AM »
It sounds like your new T will be providing all kinds of helpful information too.  Please share anything you have time to share.

I'm so happy for you: )

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Brain Stuff
« Last post by Twoapenny on Today at 05:02:54 AM »
This is great, Lighter, thank you, I shall start slowly working my way through it :) xx
I hope you all enjoy your time in SF, BetttyAnne.  I think N parents do love their kids, but their love is a kind of weird, distorted, control based thing.  It's a bit like people who beat their partners but claim they love them.  In a weird way they do, but it isn't a healthy, nurturing kind of love - it's something more destructive but to them it's normal.  It's perfectly understandable that that messes with someone's head.

I hope you are able to stop giving yourself a hard time for the things your mum did.  None of it was your fault.  You taking her out at the weekends wasn't a bad thing - it was a very kind, loving thing to do and in most families would be completely normal.  It's just a shame that in some families things are so messed up that something as simple as going out for the day is loaded with so many other things.

Enjoy your time in SF, BettyAnne, I hope you all get to have a great time together xx
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