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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Last post by lighter on Today at 10:46:28 AM »
Your garden sounds amazing, Amber,

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Last post by sKePTiKal on Today at 09:26:33 AM »
My issue with the garden was being forced to do things someone else's way; for this, that & the other reason it was presented as "the right way". And the ONLY way it was permitted to be done. Which is absolute bullshit. There are many ways to "garden" and raise food as there are people. One SHOULD personalize the process from beginning to end because that's giving energy & attention to the earth, inviting the return of the energy in the form of good nutritious food.

My big garden is a big square; just like a blank canvas. Deb pointed out what looked like a row of potatoes coming up. Because I didn't harvest them, last year, here they are again, volunteering. Same with my garlic & onions - which ARE getting harvested this year. Ex #2 would've never shut up about how I left the harvest go to "waste"... even though this year's plants look GREAT. I'll get seed from the onions this year. And since the garlic was sent special to me from Montana, half of it will be saved to replant this fall - so it will FINALLY get back into the correct planting sequence.

So around that row of potatoes which didn't extend but 2/3rds the width,  I planted a short row of leeks. The brussel sprouts, cauliflower & brocolli are planted in alternating sq foot short row beds. They'll be harvested early. So the garden is a patchwork block style of various plants based on growing season, ease of access etc. And I just stand in the dirt and LOOK, FEEL what needs to go where. We'll see how "my" method works. If it's a total failure well - there's no shortage of books, vids, webpages & people willing to say: do this next time. I'm saving spaces for things I can direct seed in a couple of weeks: green beans, dry beans, squash and carrots. (There will actually be some short carrots in the kitchen bed.)

Just about everything I'm planting is raised from seed heirlooms. I use fish fertilizer - but with cats that can be an issue. Why I moved my setup to the studio garage. Maters get bone meal in the transplant hole to try to stave of blossom end rot... and other than that, that's it this year. I still have a goodly pile of mushroom compost to side dress things later on. And this fall, I'll do a soil test. Based on memory from the other homestead (very similar soils) we used bone meal, greensand & a light balanced nitrogen fertilizer.

There might be really good stuff absorbed from soil, Hops - but it also dries my hands out terribly. I just can't plant or weed in gloves.
I'm laughing at the orange tape, CB, it's so easy to forget.  My friend did the classic of a zoom convo with her boss who ten minutes in asked her if she knew she looked like a pirate - she'd put a filter on when she'd been talking to her grandkids earlier and forgot to take it off :) Her boss thought it was funny so all good.

Thank you, all, for the encouragement and support, it means a lot.  It was weird because I know how empty my life is and how much time I spend not doing things I like but actually saying it out loud made it feel more real - and it needs to change.  I've made a long list of all the things I used to enjoy doing or that I used to be interested in.  I made the same list for son and it's funny how many of our interests do actually overlap.  So I'm trying really hard to build those good things up and make them the focus of my day.  I've had blues music playing while I tidied the kitchen, lovely sax tones that I haven't listened to for so long.  I rubbed lotion on my feet this morning - I never touch my feet and they always hurt.  I've picked out a nice outfit and some jewellery and do you know, I did buy myself some new clothes a while ago - and they were still in the wardrobe with the tags on while I carried on wearing my tatty old trousers and jumpers.  I've cut the tags off and put them on.  I did catch the tassles of my new top in the door of the washing machine when I put the laundry on and nearly garroted myself so I'll have to watch that one next time lol.  It feels wrong - I know it shouldn't, but anything other than purgatory feels like I shouldn't be doing it.  So silly and so sad.  But I'm forcing myself.  I want this to feel normal for me.  I have lost another 2lbs which felt like an achievement - that's a stone and a half now (about 9 kg).  Need to lose about the same again.

I'm bidding on local authority properties and keeping an eye out for private rentals but I want my priority at the moment to be me.  I don't want to make a bad or rushed decision because I'm tired or anxious or just too stressed to cope.  I want to check out my options calmly, spend time in various places checking out possibilities for son and take it slowly.  I don't want to make the same mistake again.  The handy landlord forum I keep an eye on are all of the same opinion, that the current jump in rentals is fueled by people moving out of the cities now they've realised they can work from home permanently.  They're equally of the opinion that most of them will get bored after a year with the lack of restaurants and bars and the fact they have to drive for forty minutes to get to a shop that does a decent latte and that they'll move back, so they don't think the current uplift in prices will hold, which is good news for me.  Slowly, slowly.  It feels necessary, but scary.  I've ordered my noise cancelling headphones but I heard the woman rushing to quiet the dog this morning so I do wonder if someone else has complained, she doesn't usually bother.  Phew.  It's more bearable when it's quiet xx

I've always felt that I had PTSD from my marriage/divorce, and a whole 2nd volume of PTSD because of the court system. My kids too--I had raised them to believe that if you tell the truth, the law will protect you. And then it didnt. Probably won't get over that in my lifetime.

I hear you.

Tupp, I can't TELL you how many times I have done that. People are always complaining that I look orange on a skype call, and its because I have a piece of orange tape over the camera. I've done it over and over.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Last post by lighter on May 13, 2021, 09:34:34 PM »
 Forest Bathing is a tradition in Japan for the same reasons, Hops.  The trees release chemicals with healing properties.  Nature is a balm, truly🌱☀🌻


The truth is....I'm concerned about how much "tradition" I'll find obviously wrong and unworthy in my life once I get more proficient with my spotlight.

It feels like so many things will fall away.  I'm afraid I'll feel regret and relief in equal measure when it happens.


TLighterToday, as I contemplated lunch as dd18 skipping meals,bc anorexia screaming in her ears....I looked outside, dropped my arms to my side and went into the deck....laid down in the was one if those chilly windy days mitigated by the hot sun.  My right foot was in a shady wet spot....the wind actually hurt, it felt that cold.  The rest of me was so happy and warm and I noticed I had control in that moment as to how I felt. 

I stopped a frustrating hate spiral in the kitchen and chose joy instead. DD18 joined me till her black outfit made her too hot, but she was there.....breathing in the sun with me, May be meditating too.  Not sure, but I'm modeling something better and feeling much better for it.

I'm not trying to control DD18 or her eating.  I'm not letting the stress take me, at least not today.

I keep learning the same darn lesson....over and over as its presented in different ways.  My children have to individuals and it's good for us all when I step back and give them space to do it.

The main lesson is...
even if my kids aren't ok, I can still be ok.

My stomach flips as I know this, yet again.  It still goes in and out if focus.  I have moments where I can't believe I list that thread.

I also noticed I got through my entire bank bill Pay list without feeling anything at all.

Usually I see an upsetting name or company from the past....I never delete anything, bc documenting, and I lose minutes getting myself out of another hate spiral, but not thus time. 

Today I felt like the grown up in my life managing my younger self and younger self calmed down for the rest of the day.

I noticed more important stuff I wouldn't have had time for IF I'd been lost in reactivity.

Important stuff.


Two steps forward today.

I'm feeling super validated and understood right now.

Thank you, CB, Tupp, Hops and Amber for showing me different perspectives.

Tupp:  I've always believed and understood your struggle with your mum and the harm she's done.  It's really difficult to go there, but once the evidence continues churning and slapping us comes into focus and we can't afford to become confused about it anymore.  Not while attempting to protect children and maybe it's bc we couldn't protect them we GOT IT completely.....sans the angst one normally feels without this much evidence.

No one wants to believe sweet old Grandmas do these things.  We certainly didn't want to know either.  We didn't get a choice.  Couldn't afford to keep going all confused and ognirant once the kids were being harmed.

I'm glad so many people don't understand or believe it, bc they don't have the point of reference to make sense if it.  So very glad.

I do wish Judges and Ts had enough education and competence to deal with it.  They should be qualified and held accountable, but they aren't.

Instead they're paid to feel put upon/bitter/ understandably overwhelmed while often adding more damage, ime.  It's a very rare thing to see a Judge get it 100% right, ime. I've seen it happen twice, if imperfectly.  Judges with common sense AND enough information they couldn't get stupid and ignore the facts.

I do feel share certain tragedies and unlikely truths people go DIM thinking over...denial/ignorance/minimization.  I've never felt I had to prove anything to you...I always feel, sadly, we've been carrying similar shields and wielding similar strategiescabd tools.  Evidence is a weapon.  Documenting is everything.  Failure is terrifying to contemplate.  I've believed every word you've shared about your struggles.  Every one. 

When I read your earlier post, about dropping everything except "good mother" actions, interests, measurable visible DOING...that struck a chord.  I put down everything....for years....I posted very carefully here, afraid the In Laws would use it....stayed away from martial Arts and...I understand, Tupp.  Where are we now the kids are of legal age?  I guess we'll find out together.

Hops:  Thank you for sharing your views and lessons with me.  I might not always agree, but you make me question, think and verify.  I find myself more centered, bc of our discussions.  I know it costs you something to share some things.  I'm grateful.

CB:  I feel steadier bc you've shared your trials and tribulations with kids and food.  I appreciate what feels like Amazon CB holding a lantern up the trail, showing me the path you've walked.  It really helps.

Amber, you posted last, so I responded to you, at length, but thanks again for your views and shared wisdom. 


This wasn't Hax herself, but a commenter. It struck me as SO pithy and perfect. (Suited my nature, anyway.) Can't shake it, wonder how many layers this thought might unearth, especially in women's lives....

Traditions are peer pressure from dead people.

Enjoy, ? , ymmv--
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