Recent Posts

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by sKePTiKal on Today at 08:00:43 AM »

Well, you yell at your back and I'll yell at my calves & feet, Hops! LOL

New contractor making my deck safe again, starts by delivering materials this afternoon. I've got some outside clean up to do, some more herb garden work, and have to finish up a few inside the house things today/tomorrow. Next really hot or rainy day - I've got studio work to do: Hol is going to a "house warming" party that is also a "surprise wedding" for a friend of hers. The wedding took place some time ago, but they didn't tell their friends... it's 20s themed... so Hol wants to wear her 20 year wedding dress, which needs some altering. Starting with removing a couple of hip darts... and possibly shortening the shoulder seam. The fabric is a very drapey crimson red satin.

But I dunno if she's even going now. Sunday, she and C were supposed to leave to deliver a car to help out my grandsons in SC. Another friend was going to stay here to dogsit. Well, C flipped his switch again shortly after he got here and left. After keeping Hol up most of the night. So she wasn't leaving Sunday morning. The dogitter friend left with her Tuesday; they took the dogs with them and are hitting one of the beaches on the way back. C was supposed to be Hol's "plus one" at this wedding event... but I seriously doubt she'll want to be stood up so dramatically again. I haven't talked to her - or rather, heard her empty the contents of her head yet.

She often rants about how she "has to" regulate her partner's emotions for them and she's sick & tired of doing that with no reciprocation of any kind. Yet she expects me to devote hours to helping her regulate her own... so I refused this time. I've already heard this tale of woe - with 3 different partners. (The ex-husband isn't on the list. He was a completely different sort of guy.) MAYBE she'll see my point; maybe she won't and I will have to explain. But there will be a "debrief" session - the timing was just wrong for me, before she left. And then she tried to guilt me with "I need my mommy" to try to get what she wanted. She's 48, FFS.

Friend Deb will be here next weekend. We're going to try to just have FUN... maybe fireworks. Standard American 4th of July fare: burgers, hotdogs, potato salad... and MAYBE I'll make a Key Lime Pie. (NOT the margarita version!!) We're not going to let Hol dominate that whole time, either. Deb's not into it.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on Today at 12:22:11 AM »

- So tonight I went to a craft gathering thing I had never been to before.
- There was a range of ages
- The table layout was not conducive to meeting people
- It was a long skinny table so I ended up just talking to the lady in front of me mostly listening
- She seemed jittery and wasn't the most relaxing person to be around
- She said she has ADHD
- The vibe was nerdy not arty
- I was mostly just quiet
- I somewhat wanted to ask people what their particular project was but I also didn't feel like it
- I made some throw away thing from random scraps and I hid it at the venue so I didn't have to bring home
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- I tried a new group of people
- I don't feel like i learned anything and only feel like I met the person directly in front of me
- I did arrive about 20 mins late

Was it worth my time I feel like not really. It WAS social exposure. It was kinda unproductive feeling for me.

They were openly bashing Christian churches which somewhat doesn't bother me as I have reservations about religion as well though it didn't seem to cross anybody's mind that someone in the group might have some positive association.

Nobody seemed very curious about each other. Like they didn't seem to be trying to get to know eachother or MAYBE they were idk. I sort of tuned them out when they were bragging about chemistry courses as if they were still college nerds but they're older.

The way I see it is why go out of my way to commute and arrive at a location when I can do dumb throw away crafts anywhere.

I didn't socialize very well but the whole thing was low pressure but also I felt somewhat invisible which normally doesn't bother me but this was meant to be a social event so what exactly is the point.

Being social really is an art form.

I'm not sure what my take away is from this.

I would rather be doing other things.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on June 23, 2026, 06:06:02 PM »

OUCH, Hippy.
That's a painful list, especially for someone as intelligent and creative as you are.

I can relate to all the burnout, and the difficulty tolerating the massive boredom of those sorts of positions. Sometimes we just can't fit the mode, even when we try.

I think for some brains, a switch just flips and we can't undo how we feel.

I don't know a perfect answer, but hope you can continue to find some relief in therapy or perhaps diagnosis/meds.

You should not be wasted.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 05:22:19 PM »

1. The Power Threat Meaning Framework (PTMF)Published publicly in the UK by the British Psychological Society, this framework was specifically designed to replace psychiatric checklists. Its core argument is that symptoms like depression, anxiety, and dissociation are not "chemical imbalances"—they are logical responses to power imbalances and interpersonal threats (abuse).The Argument: They openly state that handing a victim a pill changes the question from "What happened to you?" to "What is wrong with you?" This effectively protects the abuser or the broken system by putting the pathology entirely inside the victim's brain.

2. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score)One of the most famous trauma researchers in the world has pointedly and publicly attacked the pharmaceutical-industrial complex for this exact issue.The Argument: He has repeatedly stated that Big Pharma poured billions into convincing the public that complex trauma responses are just molecular glitches. He argues that blocking a traumatized person's panic or numbness with chemicals allows society to ignore the child abuse, incest, and domestic violence that physically altered that person's nervous system in the first place.

3. Dr. Joanna Moncrieff and the Critical Psychiatry NetworkDr. Moncrieff, a prominent British psychiatrist and researcher, has spent her career publicly poking at the drug companies. She led the massive study that debunked the "serotonin chemical imbalance" theory of depression.The Argument: She argues that psychiatric drugs do not cure diseases; they act as psychoactive numbing agents. By prescribing them to people in miserable, oppressive, or abusive life situations, the medical establishment is essentially using chemical sedation to help people "tolerate the intolerable," masking social and familial problems rather than addressing them.

4. Investigative Journalism: Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker This investigative book heavily criticized the skyrocketing rates of psychiatric drugging.The Argument: Whitaker documents how the pharmaceutical industry marketed drugs as magic bullets for internal defects, which effectively shifted the blame away from bad environments, childhood trauma, and severe isolation. The pill treats the body's alarm system as if it is broken, ignoring the fact that the alarm is going off because the environment is actually dangerous.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 05:02:06 PM »

Date Registered:August 06, 2009, 07:33:21 PM


Been talking about the same shit forever.
Tomorrow same shit.
Next week same shit.
Next Month same shit.
Next decade another decade of same shit.

This is the natural structure of my life.

I'm totally not going to try to fix or change anything at all.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 03:42:52 PM »

"Negative egocentrism [is] characterized by a negative and pessimistic conversational style, talking about one’s problems, and displaying a general disinterest in others' contributions to the interaction."

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 01:44:02 PM »

1- worked at fruit market (I didn't like one of the managers) (owner liked me)
2 - worked at cafe (I wasn't liked)
3 - worked at drop ship gift company (was seasonal)
4 - worked at a front desk (was a temp job)
5 - worked at a bank doing a temp job
6 - front desk admin for one year then quit (some people liked me some people didn't)
7 - worked in admin (managers liked me coworkers didn't)
8 - same company more admin just with a promotion (managers liked me coworkers didn't)
9 - went back to 5 because I wanted a flexible schedule same as above
10 - research position (co-workers liked me manager neutral)
11 - worked in plumbing office front desk (one particular older female coworker didn't like me)
12 - worked as cashier (I didn't like standing on my legs for so long)
13 - worked at call center about 5 years (company was large enough that it was easy to hide at my desk for 5 years)
14 - same job(s) different owner- laid off - was going to stay at this boring predictable job forever
15 - receptionist more or less (didn't fit in with coworkers playing pokemon at work etc)
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I've had a lot of jobs where I either didn't like the situation or I was quite unliked.

The job that was most tolerable to me was the one where there was just so many people it was easy to disappear and get good work reviews. It wasn't that I was liked it was that I was tolerated and I just minded my own business. There was also no way to fake productivity at that job.
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Not only am I tired of the general instability and low pay of jobs. I'm tired of having to deal with work dynamics and also I am bad at socializing anyways.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 01:17:21 PM »

1- worked at fruit market
2 - worked at cafe
3 - worked at drop ship gift company
4 - worked at a front desk
5 - worked at a bank doing a temp job
6 - front desk admin for one year then quit
7 - worked in admin
8 - same company more admin just with a promotion
9 - went back to 5 because I wanted a flexible schedule
10 - research position
11 - worked in plumbing office front desk
12 - worked as cashier
13 - worked at call center about 5 years
14 - same job(s) different owner- laid off - was going to stay at this boring predictable job forever
15 - receptionist more or less
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You can see I have no career it's been a series of crap admin jobs with no skills.
Probably some temping stuff in there I don't remember.

Oh I worked at Pikes Place Market for a few weeks. Also stupid joke of a job.
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These are not good jobs. I think rent has doubled in ten years or so. I don't want to complain about it I'm just trying to gauge my apathy and burn out.

I'm not lazy I'm de-energized. I am tired of all the instability on multiple levels.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 01:03:39 PM »

3. Chronological Grief & "Disenfranchised Loss"
The Key Researcher: Dr. Pauline Boss and Critical Trauma Studies.

The Core Idea: They look at the structural reality of missing out on decades of life. Boss coined the term "Ambiguous Loss," which applies heavily here.

The Breakdown: Because this loss lacks a funeral or a tangible physical marker, it is a form of disenfranchised grief—grief the medical system and society do not recognize. The intersection of Disability Studies and Trauma Studies (such as the work of Daniel R. Morrison and Monica J. Casper) directly addresses how socio-medical responses completely fail survivors by treating trauma as a temporary event rather than an ongoing, invisible developmental disability.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 12:55:28 PM »

2. Neurobiology of Neglect & The "Freeze" State
The Key Researchers: Dr. Martin Teicher (Harvard Medical School) and Dr. Stephen Porges.

The Core Idea: They prove that emotional neglect is a physical, visible brain injury. Teicher’s neurological imaging shows that severe childhood neglect leads to the literal underdevelopment of the corpus callosum (the bridge connecting the left and right brain) and the pathways that regulate social behavior.

When the environment is constantly unsafe or neglectful, the nervous system drops into a permanent "Freeze" collapse state. In this state, the biological wiring required for social engagement is physically turned off by the brain to conserve energy. You do not want to socialize because your biology reads people as inherent threats, not rewards.