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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Meandering
« Last post by sKePTiKal on Today at 01:13:52 PM »
It's only temporary G. This too, will pass.
Hahahahaha! Differentials on tractors - most definitely Tupp! (that was genius brilliant btw)

I think I'm in an introspective phase right now - which also means over-analytical, asking myself loads of questions, asking the universe questions, and the whole creative schmear. Hol & I had a good talk about a "thing" that I had no words for, that I couldn't ignore - but I also couldn't speak about without words. It really helped, after I told her I didn't need mothering - just a friend who knows me really well. LOL. My distress wasn't caused by Buck or anything he said/did. It was not being able to make that thing conscious and verbal. My own crap, in other words.

The connection Buck & I have is incredibly strong and steady; I notice any time he goes "off the air" to do something or deal with something he's not ready to talk to me about. He knows what some of my triggers and reactions are and he tries not be the source of tripping those triggers; protecting me. Having my back. He waits until there's an outcome and then tells me. It's not that he can't trust me; it's that he doesn't want to scare me.

I am the flaming romantic in this partnership; he's more the poet and is extremely sweet - in ways a person wouldn't expect from someone of his background (lifelong warrior) and insightful and able to exist in that realm of emotions and talk about them - better - than one expects from an alpha male. He is way DEEP - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually - in an irresistible combination for me. So the swooning that's going on - is something I need to enjoy - but not let the feet leave the ground either.

Things are moving to a deeper level on the wavelength and emotionally, and Hops, I'm craving that logistical, practical planning conversation. I think I base a lot of my internal security on knowing the differences between what he foresees and what I'm mentally creating. Then fusing them, so everyone knows what to expect more or less, and is happy with the arrangement. So this is a flying by the seat of my pants time. It's exciting, anxious, plain old neurotic, and a bit frazzled. Hopefully we laugh a lot at ourselves. So I'm trying to re-center myself again. And that conversation is definitely premature at the moment. SOP right now... is no strings attached... while we both deal with our individual situations and get free of other obligations in order to even MAKE those decisions about a shared path.

On Topic again, I've noticed a great of drama going on with Buck's process and life right now. I was paying attention to see if it was unavoidable or if it was being used to keep my time, energy and attention focused on him. It's not. He is voluntarily able to be vulnerable about how he feels about what he's going through and why; talk about it, without the tsunami of words I suffer & struggle with... and cut to the chase. It's my fantastical bent, that I have to discipline a bit. And possibly where I am susceptible to building a co-dependency.

If I can reassure myself, that if I am truly as happy as I feel... I don't have to look over my shoulder for someone who's going to make me "pay" for daring to be happy. And I don't have to sabotage it, either, with impatience or imagination or anything else. I'm as safe as I can possibly be right now.
The group situation has improved :)  I emailed the leader and asked her if she could speak to the guy who is currently in the dark before she goes away, which she has done.  He isn't happy but now that I know he knows and it isn't my bag I don't feel concerned about dealing with anything when she's away next week so I feel better about that.

Lighter's co-dependency thread has made me think a lot about how I validate myself by the actions and reactions of other people, and how much of my life I've spent running round after other people, thinking about other people, doing what they want and so on.  And where is Tupp in all of that?  So I'm going to try really, really hard to focus on my own health and just making myself feel as well and healthy as I possibly can, and to try not to focus on what other people are doing and saying - what do I want to do, what do I think, how do I feel?  I want to try and focus more on that and not what I feel because of things other people say or do (or don't do!).  And as phase one I am still in bed three hours after waking up!  Have been listening to meditation music, eating toast, drinking tea, cuddling the cat and reading (and coming on here). xx
Same was a crap week. Tired after stress effect I guess.    Nah no decisions right now

Another friend of mine has been ill this last week as well, are we all synched in to the moon or something?  Lol, always seems odd to me when people have ill, crappy weeks for no reason and it all comes at the same time.  Sorry no decision yet!  I will catch up on your thread soon to find out what's been happening :) xx xx
Hopsie, I think you're right about actions speaking louder than words.  My last serious partner (long time ago now!) was soooo romantic.  He wrote me poems and love letters, bought me flowers, ran me candle lit bubble baths, made me breakfast in bed - all those 'this is what happens in films' type actions.  But - he rarely went to work, and therefore rarely earnt any money.  Which in turn meant he rarely paid any bills.  He didn't deal with any problems, at all, ever, and had basically always managed to get other people to look after him, one way or another.  I would see that much, much sooner now.  It's very much what people do, rather than what they say (and the flip side of that is my mum, giving one version of a story with her as the victim whilst deliberately creating the drama and the victim role in the first place).  It's a good way to sort out what's what, I think.

And Skep, I think 'romance' is a funny thing, because I think films and songs give us a picture of it - similar to what I've written above - but for me, romance is someone who's got my back.  They want to hear about my day, they're happy to prop me up a bit when I need it and step back and let me get on with it when I don't.  Do you remember a while back I mentioned the acupunture guy, who I have a huge crush on?  I was at an appointment at his clinic a while ago (not with him, I was getting something else fixed!) so I was sat in the waiting room reading my book - and he brought me out a cup of tea.  Didn't ask if I wanted one, just appeared with it, put it down in front of me and wandered off again.  Now that for me is the most romantic gesture in the world - someone making me a cup of tea just makes all my bells ring!  But for him of course (and most other people!) it's just putting the kettle on and chucking water in a cup.  So I think we have different ideas about romance and I have visions of you and Buck spending romantic evenings looking through seed catalogues and comparing the differentials on tractors :) lol xx
Same was a crap week. Tired after stress effect I guess.    Nah no decisions right now
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Meandering
« Last post by Garbanzo on Today at 01:56:53 AM »
Yeh, plenty of benedryl kept on hand here due to allergies. It's not strong enough for me though to help me sleep if I'm having some kinda weird anxiety/anger whatever issue. I've tried it. Anypoo thanks for the thought though. It's just been a weird week.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Meandering
« Last post by Hopalong on August 22, 2019, 10:05:15 PM »
I know, it can do groggy.

But I also understand desperation for sleep. I can't get zolpidem covered any more through my insurance, and melatonin doesn't always do the job.

Benadryl in a pinch.

It sure seems like to avoid co-dependency and associated ills, one almost has let go any romanticism. And that can't possibly be "right".

Amber, I feel okay with occasional deep declarations of very deep feeling and/or commitment, because the romantic intensity fits that moment. Beyond that though, I prefer what I might call "light romance." I'd like it more often to be on a lighter level because if there's a kind of intense declaration daily, or always throbbing in the background, I hear the CoD sirens going off in me.

M is very prone to constant intensity, hyperbole about his feelings, hyper-romanticism and grandiose extreme declarations. I don't blame him for it (it's natural to his personality) but it's not a good guidepost for me. I tune in to what he does more than what he says, because he's so over-the-top verbally that I almost have to automatically "dilute" some of what he's saying.

I don't want to be the ultimate cosmically star-crossed lovers, though I'm loving having him to love and feeling loved back. We're heading into the more pragmatic planning period of how to merge our lives, and I think that helps too, get us more into reality-love.

He doesn't buy me flowers or do many traditionally romantic things (poor guy tried to buy me pearls, remember?). But he will unexpectedly send me a goofy dog greeting card. I admired his summer shirt (collarless, flax) a lot the other day and he ordered me two in my own size. THAT is amazing, for me. And the meals he cooks? They feels like love! Tonight it was scallops and shrimp with bok choy, broccolini, mushrooms, peppers, onions...loads of vegs because he knows I crave them, and brown rice, same. Plus a peach and rhubard compote. Drooool.

I'm definitely codependent about his cooking.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Meandering
« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 22, 2019, 08:59:58 PM »
Benedryl will make me sleep; but it also gives me a hangover the next morning that must be countered with mass quantities of caffiene.
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