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It's harrowing but excellent: Adolescence, on Netflix.

hugs,
Hops

Just finished watching Hold Your Breath, on Hulu.  Had to walk away, more than a few times.  Really difficult to watch, Hops.

Lighter
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I've decided it wasn't appropriate for the old guy to approach our table, bc other tables were available AND DD and I were engaged in conversation.

There were seats everywhere....outside, inside. 

Simply asking him to wait, till we were done, was the move......even if he wanted to argue or ignore me.  Leaving would have felt less helpless.

Welp, another lesson.  Another opportunity.

Lighter
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That's terrific news, Amber.  Any relief for B  is long overdue.

Lighter
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Will take a look, Amber.

I posted elsewhere about a missed opportunity to practice at the coffee shop.

Old man..... encroaching on our table .....asking to set very close to DD22.....there were other places to sit.

I wish I'd have said no, but he was welcome to the table after we left.

Lessons in motion, for DD and myself.

Lighter

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Rash is getting better; I'm more sure than ever this is an over-active autoimmune response to the original irritant.

And out of the blue, B got a call from his home health nurse. She mostly just refills the pump. But part of her job is engaging with people; hearing their stories; making suggestions that could help. She's been around almost as long as we've been in the stimulator doesn't work saga. She had a sit-down with her manager to talk about what they could do to help, since the surgeon isn't really. Manager must be an MD; he/she said they couldn't just leave him in that much pain and they upped his daily morphine dosage. This was yesterday.

Today, he's more agile, moving easier, and even his speaking is clearer. Which is excellent news! Such a blessing from an unexpected source! He had a bit of a "hangover" once the increased dosage took effect, but it's wearing off and he's clearly more painfree today. Hallelujah!!
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Maybe my impression isn't accurate - but aren't there countries where it's the norm (or at least, not uncommon) for strangers to ask to sit when there are plenty of seats? Just for the conversation?

When I was still in HS, some mornings I'd stop at the bakery - which had a little cafe - on my way to school. Every morning there was a group (a "liar's club" in some parlances) of old gents. Some businessmen, some retired, definitely a connection between them. They would discuss current events, bringing in the historical angles, making value judgements... tsk' tsking.... all of that. They would let me sit with them sometimes. I didn't talk, just listened. Guess they saw some value in that.

On the other hand, if I'm having a private convo and don't want to be disturbed - my nanosecond instinct is to flash the trespasser with "the look". I don't care if they're harmless or not; I'm guarding my space. LOL.
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It's harrowing but excellent: Adolescence, on Netflix.

hugs,
Hops
8
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by Twoapenny on March 20, 2025, 04:29:23 PM »
Urgh, that automatic polite response is so hard to get past, because who wants to go around being rude and grumpy all day?  It goes against your natural instincts, but I think it's what those sort of people use to create discomfort.  A nice old man would have sat somewhere else, or if the table you were at was the only table with any space would have said, "Do you mind if I sit here?" and taken the seat furthest away.  Why would you want a complete stranger to join you?  No-one would want that.  It's infuriating, because it feels like you have to be a different version of yourself to get through the day and it's horrible. Doing really loud burps might put people off :)  Lol x
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by lighter on March 20, 2025, 03:41:43 PM »
Whatever this T brings, to your sessions..... it's more information, more data on what feels right, wrong and neutral for you.

I hope her toolbox has many tools, and for her ego to be checked at the door.  Keep speaking up for yourself.  Remain authentic in your process. 

This might be right for you.  It might lead to what comes before the right T appears, IME.

As for nice men, chaotic men, first half of life toddler/teen men and more evolved second half of lifers...... I'm getting very curious about identifying them....noticing my responses, etc.

Yesterday, an elderly man walked up to the large table DD22 and I occupied at a coffee shop.  He claimed the chair right next to DD and asked if he could join us.  I was horrified at my auto-polite response......then asked if it wss his normal seat....he said, it was.

So ....this coffee shop had 2 sofas, each occupied by a single man, and a 8 person table in the back corner, occupied by DD and me ...and this single male claims out table too.

Just.....yucky.  I looked over my shoulder and saw the 2 couch sitters peeping at us, without moving their heads....waiting to see how things would end.  They lowered their eyes when I looked at them.  Nothing about it was ok.

DD was already up and moving.....we were leaving and I wished I'd told him to avail himself to one of many smaller tables, till we left.  I could have turned back to enjoying our discussion and coffees....truly wish we had.

And....this awareness is where things get messy......where the pendulum swings.  Lacking practice and balance, I'm poised to shoot back questions creating awkwardness and upset.....at maybe a nice old guy who likes sitting at his same spot every day at his favorite coffee shop.

Creeps...... don't deserve our politeness....they deserve to be exposed and held up for what they are, but one remembers...
It's not worth getting shot in the face or fixated on, by a creeper. 

Saying NO....just that one word, in a neutral tone, can do the same, but I'll shoot for that, bc I really don't want answers from the creeps.  Their game is to become wounded and point fingers ....and that's more tedious bs I don't have time for.

I hope we all find the space and grace for sitting in nonjudgmental awareness, Tupp.  To continue forming and cultivating the half beat, to think and choose, before auto responding, whatever the situation.

I'm curious to hear more about new T's toolbox. Good work resisting judgement till you had more info.

Lighter












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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by Twoapenny on March 20, 2025, 10:59:14 AM »
Well I had another therapy session today, online, different therapist.

Initially I wasn't keen.  She was asking me about the CBT/Mindfulness stuff I did with the first one, wanting to know why it didn't help, what was I looking to get from therapy and it felt a bit like I'd done something wrong and needed to defend myself.  It took me back to my first experiences with a psychiatric team, many years ago, who told me my suicidal feelings were my responsibility and I needed to make more effort to stop thinking them.  It's funny how quickly physical feelings come up.  I got that kind of prickly heat all over, felt a bit light-headed, struggled to concentrate and thought we were going to be ending the call quickly.

But ........... once I'd explained to her how CBT and Mindfulness make me feel (bad) and that I didn't really have an expectation, I just thought that talking it all through with someone would get it out of my head and mean I don't need to carry things anymore, it changed and she started explaining how she works which is 'compassion focussed therapy'.

I don't think I've done that before, but she said basically you work on a compassion triangle.  Compassion for others on one side, others giving you compassion, and you being compassionate to yourself.  She said a lot of people are good at compassion for others but not the other two.  I said yes, that's me to a T.  She also talked a bit about your primitive brain being very good at keeping you safe, but not so good at detecting nuance and actual risk assessment, which is how the anxiety and overthinking loops come about.  Again, made sense to me.  I told her how I think in triplicate constantly and how exhausting it is, which she got, and how the constant childhood criticism clouds my head a lot.  Also trust issues, betrayal, particularly by professionals which she also got and said is very normal etc.  She said she doesn't do self love or lots of positivity or affirmation type stuff, because she just finds most of her clients are so far removed from that it isn't helpful, so she focuses on helping people develop compassion for themselves which sounds more up my street.

So we will see how it goes - the first session with the other T was good, it was the second one that all went wrong so we'll see what happens next time.  I'm not keen on the online thing, I just don't feel very comfortable with it and the connection wasn't great so it jarred a bit at times but I'll keep with it.  All in all went pretty well but I'm exhausted now, I hate how tired dealing with this stuff makes me.

Kitty hasn't brought his girlfriend home again so either her owner is keeping her away from him or she's wandered off somewhere else (Skep, our boy has been done so no kitties for him).  Hops, it's nice here during the day (lovely in fact, very sunny and warm by Scottish standards), but I'm still breaking ice off the bird bath in the mornings.

Light, I think the man issue with me is more the problems I have with myself.  I meet/know loads of nice men, really good, kind, decent people.  But I think emotional chaos (in me) only attracts other emotionally chaotic people.  And I don't want them, so I'm hoping the therapy now will calm things down a bit.  The at home EFT is helping, but as always I find there's just another layer in there waiting to come up.  I'm getting a couple of good days, followed by a slump.  Plodding through, as always.
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