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« Last post by Twoapenny on March 20, 2025, 10:59:14 AM »
Well I had another therapy session today, online, different therapist.
Initially I wasn't keen. She was asking me about the CBT/Mindfulness stuff I did with the first one, wanting to know why it didn't help, what was I looking to get from therapy and it felt a bit like I'd done something wrong and needed to defend myself. It took me back to my first experiences with a psychiatric team, many years ago, who told me my suicidal feelings were my responsibility and I needed to make more effort to stop thinking them. It's funny how quickly physical feelings come up. I got that kind of prickly heat all over, felt a bit light-headed, struggled to concentrate and thought we were going to be ending the call quickly.
But ........... once I'd explained to her how CBT and Mindfulness make me feel (bad) and that I didn't really have an expectation, I just thought that talking it all through with someone would get it out of my head and mean I don't need to carry things anymore, it changed and she started explaining how she works which is 'compassion focussed therapy'.
I don't think I've done that before, but she said basically you work on a compassion triangle. Compassion for others on one side, others giving you compassion, and you being compassionate to yourself. She said a lot of people are good at compassion for others but not the other two. I said yes, that's me to a T. She also talked a bit about your primitive brain being very good at keeping you safe, but not so good at detecting nuance and actual risk assessment, which is how the anxiety and overthinking loops come about. Again, made sense to me. I told her how I think in triplicate constantly and how exhausting it is, which she got, and how the constant childhood criticism clouds my head a lot. Also trust issues, betrayal, particularly by professionals which she also got and said is very normal etc. She said she doesn't do self love or lots of positivity or affirmation type stuff, because she just finds most of her clients are so far removed from that it isn't helpful, so she focuses on helping people develop compassion for themselves which sounds more up my street.
So we will see how it goes - the first session with the other T was good, it was the second one that all went wrong so we'll see what happens next time. I'm not keen on the online thing, I just don't feel very comfortable with it and the connection wasn't great so it jarred a bit at times but I'll keep with it. All in all went pretty well but I'm exhausted now, I hate how tired dealing with this stuff makes me.
Kitty hasn't brought his girlfriend home again so either her owner is keeping her away from him or she's wandered off somewhere else (Skep, our boy has been done so no kitties for him). Hops, it's nice here during the day (lovely in fact, very sunny and warm by Scottish standards), but I'm still breaking ice off the bird bath in the mornings.
Light, I think the man issue with me is more the problems I have with myself. I meet/know loads of nice men, really good, kind, decent people. But I think emotional chaos (in me) only attracts other emotionally chaotic people. And I don't want them, so I'm hoping the therapy now will calm things down a bit. The at home EFT is helping, but as always I find there's just another layer in there waiting to come up. I'm getting a couple of good days, followed by a slump. Plodding through, as always.
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