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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Last post by CB123 on Today at 05:31:41 PM »Skep,
I had something similar several years ago when my kids were almost launched and were being adult outside the house but not inside the house. We were living in a too small apartment and I was doing too much of the upkeep in addition to working 50 hours a week. Our showdown ended with 2 of them not speaking to me for several years. I can't tell you how painful that was, and yet looking back there is no way we could have continued as we had been. It wasnt healthy for anyone. That doesnt mean that it didnt break my heart.
I can only think, looking back, that it was a combination of all of our dysfunctions that precipitated it. It was very hard for me to let go of it, even though I was exhausted and resentful. I can see now that they were dealing with some pretty rugged depression and were reacting the way any of us will--going in their rooms, pulling the covers over their heads. If they had done it in their own places, they would have eventually had to drag themselves in and do the dishes in the sink. But because I was there, I was doing them long before they got to that point. (and dishes is just one of the things I was doing!)
Looking back, I would have forced the issue before I was on my last nerve. I would have gotten them out to do the dishes instead of angrily doing them myself. There was a part of me that was more comfortable with my martyr role (and it wasnt comfortable at all) than I was with being empowered and expecting them to be as well. I didnt know how to launch them, and they didnt know how either and we were all scared and all felt guilty.
All that is to say, we dont, in our current culture have clear ways for children to take their place in the world--and if they are struggling, its hard for those of us who are good at nurturing to let them fall. The ones who completely cut off contact with me broke my heart in a million pieces, but I honestly dont think they could have done it with me right there. My consolation came only this year when we finally all had Christmas together for the first time in 7 years.
Thinking of you, Skep.
CB
I had something similar several years ago when my kids were almost launched and were being adult outside the house but not inside the house. We were living in a too small apartment and I was doing too much of the upkeep in addition to working 50 hours a week. Our showdown ended with 2 of them not speaking to me for several years. I can't tell you how painful that was, and yet looking back there is no way we could have continued as we had been. It wasnt healthy for anyone. That doesnt mean that it didnt break my heart.
I can only think, looking back, that it was a combination of all of our dysfunctions that precipitated it. It was very hard for me to let go of it, even though I was exhausted and resentful. I can see now that they were dealing with some pretty rugged depression and were reacting the way any of us will--going in their rooms, pulling the covers over their heads. If they had done it in their own places, they would have eventually had to drag themselves in and do the dishes in the sink. But because I was there, I was doing them long before they got to that point. (and dishes is just one of the things I was doing!)
Looking back, I would have forced the issue before I was on my last nerve. I would have gotten them out to do the dishes instead of angrily doing them myself. There was a part of me that was more comfortable with my martyr role (and it wasnt comfortable at all) than I was with being empowered and expecting them to be as well. I didnt know how to launch them, and they didnt know how either and we were all scared and all felt guilty.
All that is to say, we dont, in our current culture have clear ways for children to take their place in the world--and if they are struggling, its hard for those of us who are good at nurturing to let them fall. The ones who completely cut off contact with me broke my heart in a million pieces, but I honestly dont think they could have done it with me right there. My consolation came only this year when we finally all had Christmas together for the first time in 7 years.
Thinking of you, Skep.
CB
We estimate maybe another month. And when I'm finally able to talk to her again, I'm going to impress upon her the need for both of them to go back to work... as soon as that restarts.
