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Hi, Hops:

I'm not able to put it all together yet, but this focus on painful child pieces shows up in unexpected ways.  Always surprised and relieved when it lands.

Example.... I was still feeling salty about the retired nurse neighbor's choices and way of speaking to me in recent months..... mostly she's overtly cheerful, like she's trying to talk me into accepting the Yelly Guy ...... she comes across as his cheerleader, of sorts.  Normally, she's level headed and not all chatty and fake sounding..... I had the yuck over it, honestly.  Building a tall fence was something I was thinking about too often,bc that would be a terrible turn of events, IMO.

I was ruminating over the boundary I felt I'd set for her not to speak ABOUT me with YG and was confused as to how she felt talking about HIM to ME was OK, bc she just seemed to DO IT every time we spoke, without noticing how our property line has been changing and morphing as time goes by.  She speaks.  I physically react and it IS a reaction..... HAS BEEN a reaction, up to this point.   Honestly, I never told HEr not to speak to me about YG.  I should do that and I will the next time she brings him up.  No worries.   I'm so calm about that conversation..... looking forward to having it with loving kindness in mind.  It's a surprising and lovely feeling to experience.

This feels like a direct tie to the inner child work and feeling adult Lighter IN my body, in charge, confident and clear about what I can do and can't do.  What's mine and what's not to deal with.  What I control and what I don't.  It's one thing to understand it and another to experience it in my Nervous System AND understand it as I go. 

One day I'm perfectly calm, I can't be knocked off my center and nothing phases me.

The next day I'm on my stomach, tripping over a log in the woods, full of thorns wondering if the Yelly Guy is somewhere watching me thrash through the forest to escape a face to face with him, bc I'm feeling vulnerable and sure being assertive in his direction will lead to (insert every type of threat I've dealt with from men.)  WTF?  REALLY hate that feeling. 

Something clicked...... calm decended. 

I had 2 nice face to face chats with the nurse recently and am sure I could discuss anything with her without getting knocked off my center, now.  Need for approval morphed into frutration and resentment morphed into acceptance and isn't that what always throws me for a loop?  My resistence to SOMETHING I can't change. Ya.... I think that's usually the case.

Some part of me wasn't really sure how doing the inner child work would pay off (I certainly didn't go down that path bc I thought it would be fun or happy work)  but all roads were leading to Rome and so I went.  It was the same with mindfulness work..... the pay offs were unexpected and such a relief.  When the pain of staying where we are is worse than the pain of going....
we go. 

Glad I could trust and just get on with it.

THIS access to responsiveness, if not wholly consistent,  is such a relief....... feeling affronted and betrayed takes wayyyyyy too much energy, goes round in circles and solves nothing.  Stepping out of that place and into nonjudgmental awareness...... shifts brain chemistry in such a profound way..... it's so simple and yet so difficult to keep in focus, IME.  I feel like I have to be slammed upside the head by some thigs, over and over, before I "get it" but it helps me understand when people around me don't "get it." 

Being right isn't a worthy thing. It slows processing and resolving issues, IME.

I'm not saying I assume good intentions on everyone's part.  I'm saying I'm open to whatever is present, at any given time, in people doing harmful things.... intntional or unintended doesn't really matter.  I don't HAVE to assign judgment to it.  Just getting on with what's MINE to handle is the relief. It's the key that opens the lock to what comes next instead of remaining stuck, if that makes sense.

Adult Lighter can be uber assertive, without hesitation, guilt or regret (fear.)

 Clarity is clear and available in every moment. 


Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything
« Last post by Hopalong on December 07, 2022, 09:09:15 AM »
I think the only thing possible is to focus on identifying this disorder in others and avoid those people. Or if it's essential to interact, make huge sustained effort to train yourself to not react or to under-react to the cruel or frustrating or unfair things they do, for the sake of your own health.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything
« Last post by Pseudo Mouse on December 07, 2022, 01:18:33 AM »

Narcissists often get everything they need and want somehow. They aren't very much upset by "Narcissism." Sometimes I doubt that it is truely a "mental illness" even though it is termed as a personality disorder. Especially if so many people have this issue. Is it a disorder merely because they don't interact in a way that is easy to deal with.

They can cause so much difficulty for others. They are sadistic sometimes. I think they enjoy the stress induce it doesn't impact them. They enjoy the process of punishing people.

It doesn't matter how much insight a person gains into Narcissism because it's still there. Nothing is fixed merely by understanding and labeling it.

There is no healing or recovery from such a thing. There just is not. Whatever they have done. Whatever trauma, stress, waste of time they've caused, none of that is every undone.

It's not possible to get time back.
Lighter, what a lovely and moving update to read.

I'm so glad for you that the inner healing you're doing shone back at you today from your DD's unexpected statement. I can imagine the healing power of that moment.

Sometimes just a little recognition and compassion from someone we care about can fill our spiritual tanks for a very long time. Or release us from craving forgiveness and acceptance, when somebody else reminds us what it feels like.

And your work with your inner self is showing you how to also do this for yourself. Bravo!

Peace and more to all of you.

I'm trying to check in with LL and 8mo Lighter consistently.  They're so safe, here in this feminine world of women and Pug.  It brought tears to see that 8mo baby in this house....such a relief.  She's safe now.  So is LL.

My dd20 recently said she can't imagine raising children without a village.  Parents are too spread out, too busy.....too many directions and duties to properly care for wee ones, in her opinion.

Then she said 2 things that stunned me, as she's been rather rough on me.

She would want my help 25% of the time with any children she has. This was the first time she's considered having children.  Usually she's sure she'll never have any.

Second, she said she thought I would have been the perfect mom had it not been for the legal and ongoing siege.  Broke my heart and healed it in one sentence.

There's some climate worries in the house right now.  Fear.  Anger.  Confusion and disbelief it's not a priority for the entire globe.  Nose on the Pebble = suffering.

I noticed I'm ok when my girls struggle.  2 years ago that wouldn't have been possible.

The journey continues and I hope in every direction hope seems warranted.  Not as many as you'd thino, perhaps.

Acceptance changes biochemistry and integrates the brain, ime.  Another light switch I've learned to reach.  Simple and beautiful. 

We should teach mindfulness in US schools, imo.  The real thing.


Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything
« Last post by sKePTiKal on December 05, 2022, 09:12:39 AM »
Where did the idea that it's possible to live life without any effort, strain or difficulty come from?  This subliminal expectation seems to be at the root of a lot of people's "UNsync" with life and themselves. And sometimes, even worse things.

Where did the idea come from, that it was healthy to teach people (specifically young developing people) that no one ever REALLY fails at things? To me, this is one of the most destructive "trends" to ever show up in educational theory. Precisely because failing is a necessary aspect of one of the longest lasting types of learning - trial and error. Many scientific theories that we take for fact now... as well as many other aspects of life - say, cooking or bread baking - involve persisting to try again, changing this or that, despite "failure" in a specific attempt. Removing failure from education, to me, sends the implicit (but wrong) message that success doesn't cost anything at all - and it's all around us like the air we breathe.

How many times did caveman societies try to hunt mammoths - only to miss a throw or be trampled before they learned that success most usually came from timing and teamwork? What if they'd given up? Or been convinced they were "mighty hunters" despite not bringing back food?
Hmmmm. Lady Chatterley's Lover? I thought the classics were verboten these days? LOLOLOL. But it could maybe plant some ideas in someONE's busy brain.

If only they hadn't jacked up their subscription cost (with way too much comic book content); I cancelled Netflix a couple months ago being "expense conscious" these days.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything
« Last post by Pseudo Mouse on December 05, 2022, 04:00:19 AM »

Was reading articles that claim between 9%-13% of the population have personality disorders.

Could be any kind of PD I guess.

It's actually a very high rate isn't it. I have no idea if this is true or not it just appears to be generally what is written.

There are some very influential people that frankly seem like awful people.

The term "discomfort" has now been popularized in justice jargon. When I read the context of these things it sounds really mentally unhealthy. It sounds like sadism but with the authority of scholarship behind it.

Something is wrong in schools and I don't think it's a moral panic.

Happily absorbed ALLA THAT, Amber. I'm so glad for you!

Who cares what explains an upbeat mood, it's just wonderful one has come to visit. Long may it stay, but either way it gives you a lovely neural fresh groove for it to snuggle into again.

Meanwhile, I highly recommend Netflix's Lady Chatterly's Lover.

You may need smelling salts.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Last post by lighter on December 04, 2022, 05:27:35 PM »
That was an amazing update, Amber.


So glad everyone getting along too.

You're surfing real good!

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