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« Last post by lighter on January 19, 2022, 03:55:31 PM »
I'm going to post about a lot of things on this thread...... mostly bc food is really vexing me right now.... shutting me down.... paralyzing me, upsetting me, making me angry and I feel helpless around it right now as food, as everything, is about profit at the expense of things I hold dear......and sometimes it's really hard to scrape my nose off certain pebbles. It just is. I'm on THAT food pebble right now, considering seeing my T about, but that's 100.00 to have her walk me through getting my nose OFF the pebble and shifting my focus to THIS moment, what's mine to handle, what's not (my dd's/FOO's/Friend's relationships with food) and DO WHAT I CAN IN THIS MOMENT, which brings me back to feeling paralyzed in the moment and it's a cycle.... a familiar cycle.
::I can do this I can do this::. and if I can't I'll make the appointment with my T, who's in another office and seeing clients face to face, which is very comforting and helpful BUT...... but but.
So, restoring choice, understanding what's there and accepting it, even if it's scary. Ya. That.
I'll post this here, even though it likely belongs elsewhere..... I've basically let the connections with all my neighbors go.... just dropped them, outside baking lovely little packages of gf brownie cookies and wrapping them beautifully..... I was unhappy to receive thank you calls...... I couldn't get off the phone quick enough and that's OK. I notice I have the old fear around not having social connection, but it's an echo of 2006 - 2014. It's not NOW or real or something I can't replace with things I find uplifting.... energizing....JOYFUL.
I want more joy. Less making do. Less negative energy.... wondering what the Yelly Neighbor said when Cowboy stops making eye contact, which he has..... I just dont want care anymore WHAT YG said or did or does and that translates into feeling less pressed in on, less viewed and judged and threatened in any way.
I can say..... I've noticed I just care nothing about YG or his gossiping and I might have ONE conversation with retired nurse neighbor about it....before putting it to bed...... but she gets it or she doesn't. She won't tell or gossip, as all the other neighbors would and if she did..... big whoop.
WOW.
THAT IS AMAZING to just not give a frog's fat ass about what YG said and who things what. Just..... retired nurse will GET it or she won't. I can return the tupperware to YG's wife or not. I can limit the time I waste worrying about not having social connection to these people and spend it on the people I find joyful...who build me up and make me laugh. OH TO LAUGH. It's amazing and it happens and if I'm honest..... maybe I've spent more time worrying about the neighbors and the YG than I have nurturing my amazing small friend group, darnit, THAT IS THE TRUTH.
And this.....
if I don't judge myself during paralysis and turmoil.... I free myself up to process the paralysis and turmoil and respond with discernment to CHANGE what I can change, make peace with what I can't and seek out what I want more of.
Noticing how my own thought patterns and habits keep me stuck....
noticing when I judge myself for it......
means I can do the work, get unstuck, grow and work through the next COW, bc there will always be COWs.
Doesn't mean I'm broken or unable to expand my window of resilience, for surely I'm growing and have more resilience if I'm able to be honest.
What it means is my default setting is to ASSUME I'm broken.... assume I'm unable to build resilience and that's just silly, bc the brain is absolutely capable of making those changes. Every brain can, incuding my own.
And that pattern of hitting old default settings, noticing them, steering over them and l getting on with what I DO want..... is everything.
Several times a day I NOTICE myself going down old pathways and anger pops up around it,.w hich is better than fear, IME. I resent the time and energy stolen by future fears and rumination of historic events I put down...... over a year ago.
Just noticing the space fear takes up in my brain is HUGE and I know it's important.
Every lesson shares a similar reactivity....... but remembering that reactivity, knowing it's not ME.... understanding I can put it down and pick up whatever I choose feels hopeful, but it's not yet second nature. Those pathways aren't all up and running, covered in fat and faster than lightening......
yet.
They get faster. They pop up more often and THAT's just what it is. It's not good or bad it's what's going on for me on this healing journey.
And the anger...... it's not AT ME, as it was when I started seeing my T. What a roller coaster ride.
It's at the reactive fear in my brain...... I'm ready to reep benefits of installing new hardware and pathways........ it's not anger at myself for failing, bc honestly.... this is the hardest work I've ever done in my life. I can feel my brain burning.... top right. It takes more energy to stop the old reactivity, which requires very few calories to run compared to higher brain functions..... it's anger at the reactivity still there..... and my slow response to it, even though there's improvement and that's another thing to accept.
These things happen in their own time, if I practice.... I get better at it, the brain installs new pathways and makes them faster according to my wrestling myself ONTO them, over and over, even when I fail, Ijust keep practicing and getting myself back on track and noticing without judging.
I should journal daily. Again.
OK, geusts just sent me a photo of their view through the Cottage window, which is the same view on my website..... just glorious... the Atlantic is that magical blend of blues the Bahamas offers. And I wanted to cry, bc that couple had to spend a night at a crappy Ft Lauderdale hotel (which I've had to do) then pray standby seats opened up on a really crappy airline known for delays and canceling flights over water on the runway and who knows what else..... THESE GUESTS MADE IT and I have to tell you. I noticed reactivity pop up for me, over and over, and I just put it away, over and over.
I accepted the 3 other guests weren't willing to jump through the hoops to make our Cottage happen. I accepted it was likely this couple wouldn't continue working to make this trip happen,bc it was one thing after another, as always when traveling to the island and I just let it be what it was. I didn't wring my hands or knash my teeth, which honestly.... I WOULD have without being able to stop it this time last year, likely.
What I really noticed...... my dropping the problems/putting them on the shelf, opened up more room for problem resolution. I didn't get bogged down with frustration or resentment or reminders of the contractor or anyone or anything negative...... my brain got right back on track without too much fuss and that's a GOOD THING!
My responses to the guests were all concise and helpful and didn't wonder down rabbit holes. The guests asks questions, I read them TWICE to discern what she needs to know and don't add to it.....I think I would have been anticipating problems and solving them into the future before, as was my habit out of necessity over the years.
That's not necessary any longer. I don't HAVE to do that and if I really ever do..... I've got all the answers and I can send them as needed.....not all up front, bc I feel obligated to be more than honest, more than forthcoming, more than helpful in every single way I possibly can be, bc that's where my worth is..... in my own head. I'm not responsible for everyone and everything all the time, but that's how I've been operating IN my head and that doesnt leave a lot of room for other things, IME.
So, ya.... this guest (2 of the orginal 5) and I had a different experience..... I was very mindful of my focus and the trip is working out,which is an absolute miracle and I'll take it as proof shifting focus to postive responsiveness beats the heck out of reactivity focused on the negative, yup yup yup.
Just...... amazing. I consider this manifesting something good and understanding the difference between manifesting what I'm leaving behind.... have I LEFT those things behind? I'm not sure, but I'm curious to see how this manifesting what I want works out for me.
It feeeeeeels like the old reactivity is smaller in my brain, taking up less space, utilizing fewer calories..... if that makes sense.
It's easier to spot it....like spotting a bit of pepper in a big bowl of salt.
And it's almost like....... a part of me I'm not real familiar with is the one zeroing on the old pathways....... and it's exciting, if a little scary, bc it's a sort of confrontation, isn't it? My allergy to conflict hasn't dissapeared, but it's less....... it feels distanced and farther away.....not so charged...... just...... a thumb jerk and the old reaction moves. No need for a crowd or fight about it...... no need to pin it down and pull it apart.... understand it and all it's moving pieces.... just..... thumb jerk.
I guess the anger is from the part of me feeling helpless and paralyzed and I can let her know it's not her job to DO anything, but rest and feel safe.... cared for...... whoever this new person is giving the reactivity the thumb..... she's got it covered and it's OK if sometimes we get down the road a bit farther than preferred with the reactiviy..... we SEE it. We respond. We restore balance and trust the balance will be there, even when COWs create bobbles, and they will. Over and over again.
I trust the COWs are opportunities to practice and not proof I'm broken and failing and a failure, bc that's not true.
OK, one thing I've also been struggling a bit with is my relationship to the Lake house renovation. I spent a lot of time honing the tools and pigments for tackling the huge kitchen cabinet piece of this distressed wood job.....and the plan feels very solid to me. I'm a thinker....I like to work things through on paper, then do many samples and I've done those things. I KNOW what damage I'm going to inflict on this super hard Oak wood. I know where the damage will be placed and the depth of it and the width of the marks.....the brown an black pigments and the sealants.... just as I figured out how to clean 30 years of cooking grime off them..... and I stopped worrying about breaking the doors in half, which has happened to me on other jobs, but it won't on THIS job and if it does....... it's just a door repair. Not the end of the world, not a failure, just a problem waiting for it's solution and I have that too.
So...... ya. The kitchen is lined up to be finished. I've decided not to paint all the upstairs doors black. There will be some painted doors, but they're not all going black, which I really liked, but the distressed wood is something my heart swoons over, even if it's more work for me. I adore it.
My youngest DD is trying to connect with me lately....... and there was a lot of frustration for her when trying to talk to me lately. I think her T is helping....... I can honestly say.... I think she wants to bash her head on the sidewalk if any old references of the PDs in our lives come up...... or PDs in general. She understands PDs perfectly well. She doesn't want to dwell or go down rabbit holes with me and that's timely,bc I don't want to either: )
So, more dancing in the kitchen (which still happens)...... and... as I write this a big truck just sprayed what's likely salt water onto our circle and road leading up to it. There's mostly slush at this point. DD21L will have an easier time getting in and out of the neighborhood and that feels really good. We're getting along just fine..... I've sent both girls links to a Cardiologist's Youtube talk about things they already know...... bless me for caring, but I know I have to step back and let them chart their own paths.
I'll try to chart just my own; )
Lighter
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