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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

« Last post by Hopalong on Today at 10:49:03 AM »

Tupp,
I think scanning and burning the paper piles is a brilliant idea. This way they'll take up a LOT less space in both your home and in your mind. The constant reminder of stacks of sh** is one thing that has been really stressful for me. Beginning to get a grip, so a lot more of it is out of sight. Really helps. Bravo, you.

How lovely that a good friend is coming! Hope you have a wonderful time, take comfort in this friendship.

It sounds great too that you're stepping back from what you can't fix (group leader lady being too scattered to not waste volunteers' time) but, if I understand right, remaining active with the group anyway to possibly build positive relationships?

And of course would love to hear about the moving plan as it shapes up. You deserve a non-damp, cheery home with enough space for you and son to breathe and relax. This was a stop-gap and though moving's hard, I'll keep all fingers and toes crossed for the right place to appear.

Open to the possibility of good things happening! (300 pounds is a nice hint...)

Hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When will lack of training have consequences for the ones in charge?

« Last post by sKePTiKal on Today at 08:15:29 AM »

I think we've all run into the same things, at one time or another Lighter. It's actually one reason I gave up the university job. I LIKED what I did most of the time, except for the people at the top who simply did NOT CARE how many people were hurt - one way or another - in the process of executing their personal "vision" of things. They refused to collaborate with the people who did the work; just wanted to give orders. They refused to learn.

What I do now is a defensive strategy, I realize. But it keeps me sane. I work with one person at a time and find ways I can be helpful to them. Untangling the dissonance they experience, or sorting out some of the life situations that have steamrolled them, and finding out which idea in their head was preventing them from choosing a different path... getting them back on their feet or not letting them fall thru cracks due to accidental events no one could control.

I can't change the world. But I can positively impact the people I come in contact with - one at a time. Sometimes it's just simple kindness. Or respect. Or even just noticing them.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

« Last post by Twoapenny on Today at 06:10:29 AM »

You write SO well, Tupp.
And there ARE a lot of work-from-home jobs!!!

I had a church acquaintance who made a LARGE living
teaching online for an online university.

There are so many of them who hire online instructors.
Every subject you can imagine.

There might even be an online tutoring program.

Good luck with this!

Hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops

Things are changing quite rapidly at the moment - it's kind of exciting and scary at the same time

I've been reading up online about work from home/work while you travel/work online ways of making money and am trying to work out which methods to try first.  Things that don't require any training or equipment will be the easiest ways to make a bit of cash, but also tend to pay the least.  Other things will require me doing some training or refresher courses, possibly just from home, so will take more time to start showing any income, but pay better.  So I'm trying to find the best way to balance my time between things that will help now and things that will help longer term.  It's interesting to look into and I think it's very fortunate that I've got stuff I can try out without having to make a huge commitment to it in terms or time or money, and it will at least give me an indication of whether it's worth taking further.  It feels exciting to at least have possibilities again - I've felt really lacking in that department for a while now.

Money is also looking a bit more promising at the moment.  A problem with our gas meter has finally been sorted out and I'm owed about £300, so I'm looking forward to that coming in to my account.  Other things that have been niggling me seem to be smoothing over and it all just generally feels a bit more positive and a bit more like something I can do something with.  I think I've felt for a while now at the mercy of other people and the system and I find that intolerable, in all honesty.  So it feels good to be finding another way to get things done.

I've a friend coming to stay next week which I'm really looking forward to.  We haven't seen each other in over a year and I've really missed her.  I've kind of pulled myself out of the help I was doing with the group.  The lady running it is very nice, but I have struggled with her constantly changing requests and responses.  After the last incident (where she asked everyone what they thought and then went ahead anyway without waiting for an answer) I've since discovered that she's been in contact with a group that she'd asked me to contact.  I don't mind her doing it instead of me, but if she'd told me I wouldn't have wasted my time doing it (basically we've both done the same thing and only one of us needed to.  Communication needs improving).  I will have to have a think about a way to feed back to her because I think if she carries on like this she'll alienate people who could help.  I'm not sure of the best way to do it and think I ought to do it face to face so that's on the back burner for now.

And I'm focusing on moving again   I'm not sure when or where yet but I will be glad to leave this house   So I'm focusing on cleaning, de-cluttering and generally keeping on top of things so that when the time comes, I can just pack and go without having to have a huge clear out and spring clean of the place.  My main aim to work through is scanning all this blooming paperwork and burning the hard copies.  It takes up a lot of space, has a lot of bad memories associated with it and I resent having to pack it all up and lug it from house to house, and then having to give it room.  It can bugger off.  So I think that's my big job to keep chipping away at over the next few months or so.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When will lack of training have consequences for the ones in charge?

« Last post by Hopalong on October 19, 2019, 09:01:12 PM »

Hi Lighter--
This is the larger organization I support through its local actions.
It is humbling and satisfying to do. We see the results, in changes
made, lives impacted.

My community has huge income inequities and this is the most
effective local way to push back.

http://thedartcenter.org/

Hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Just wondering how you would answer this question?

« Last post by Hopalong on October 19, 2019, 03:18:25 PM »

Lighter, how lovely. Truly.

I hope I remember this in case I am in BettyAnne's situation one day, to help me keep in mind that this is one choice...a way to approach inevitable loss.

BettyAnne, I hope you will take strength from the present with all your might. You and Bill both deserve this time.

It's not for the painful, cruel people in your past.

The present moments are for you NOW. And Bill. And you and Bill.

Comfort and strength,

Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Just wondering how you would answer this question?

« Last post by lighter on October 19, 2019, 10:41:12 AM »

Oh, Bettyanne, I'm so sorry.  It's like losing a piece of your heart, and there's no pain killers for the ones sharing the journey, though I think we're entitled to them sometimes. 

I echo Hops' about contacting Hospice.  They offer help with pain medications, and emotional support in comforting unexpected ways, IME. 

My Bill had oxycontin pills that worked for 10 hours, so I didn't have to wake him up every 4 hours, then Hospice brought patches.  My mom received her pain meds and hydration intravenously, which was a huge relief.  She felt so much better, and we felt better having someone there to explain and comfort us. 

You and Bill shared a life, and brought comfort to each other.  That comfort doesn't have to end now.  It should go on in celebration of what you've shared, and still have together. No one knows when that ends.... particularly not Western doctors, who should never give days left to live, like that, IME. 

In any case, we all have the choice to live every day we have left, or die a bit every day in fear.
We have choices to make.   All of us, and no one knows when we're going to die.  Hit by a bus tomorrow..... tomorrow is promised to no man.  Choices.   

Celebrate what was, and still is.  This culture fears and dreads death, but it's just a natural part of living.  No one gets out alive.  Acceptance can be a beautiful thing, and free us up to embrace, and create what comes next,  IME.

My Bill died a little every day of his final 5 months.  I attuned to his mood, and the house was dark, and serious, and without joy. There was fear, and dread, and he clung to me like a child to his mother, speaking about what he wanted for me when he died. 

We didn't celebrate the amazing years we had together,  which would have been joyful, IMO.   He didn't recount happy stories with his friends, or tell his children what he thought the first time he saw them, held them, sent them to their first day at school.

 You can open the curtains, and windows, light candles, make sure the house is fragrant with essential oils that bring you joy... fall breezes.... the little things.... flowers, and the people Bill loves, and enjoys seeing, the things he loves doing... don't shut down, and miss opportunities for more joy, Bettyanne.  The music Bill loves.  Warm light, instead of harsh cool lighting. 

Your Bill is still here: )

Celebrate that with him every moment, and help loved ones do the same.   

There are stories to share with family, memories to whisper privately, and blessings to count.

Sometimes I dream about my Bill, and there's so much I want to say.  It always ends before I can get it out.  You have time to say all those things,  Bettyanne.  In the ways you need to say them, whatever that is, hopefully without fear, bc you do have choices.

((((Bettyanne, and family))))

This too shall pass, and it's going to be OK.  You're going to be OK.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Just wondering how you would answer this question?

« Last post by Twoapenny on October 19, 2019, 05:20:55 AM »

Thanks.....Twoapenny,
How nice of you to write a nice response.  Yes it is difficult mentally dealing with Bill being so sick from the cancer and treatments.....for sure anything that was modeled at home as a kid was so dysfunctional.....do you find yourself trying at times to figure out what is normal?? I was never showed normal....to the point no one could relate to me...but most of the time as a kid I kept my mouth shut.  Anything that was going on in my home forsure was not going on in any friends homes or neighbors it was that bad. 
So I have spent my life trying to figure out normal reactions.....so this is now one of the most diffiuclt times....makes alcoholism my husband had and his family look like a walk in the park!!! He has 33 years sober this year which is wonderful...do you think Love is the answer....I do...because what I felt as a kid was not love....it was how can I get you into something school and  activities or being left alone with a grandmother who was out of her head and a brother who could not walk or talk as not to deal with me....yuck.
Saying all of the
 above I am grateful I came to see the light of dysfunction...not a happy situation but one since my NM is dead I don't have to get one of her phone calls ......acting so phony.....My NM diagnosed with Borderline with N traits....
I will do my best right now.....no matter how hard it is on me......because I do love my husband
Life isn't perfect and I guess as we learn and see what is important is where we should be.......but so hard when you have been hurt to your core.....like you with your step dad.......so so sorry, he should have been put in jail....I know years ago kids where blamed.
I just want to share with you my NM was born on Friday the 13th of October 1911.....I have always felt it was unlucky...I feel that that was so creepy....omg.....friends she was the pitts
I will do my best not so much to stay strong as people will say....but to just be human and normal....even if I have to cry or be upset that the person who loved me and was always there for me.....has cancer and that stinks friends....
Thanks Twoapenny and friends.....Love, Bettyanne

Bettyanne, I think being normal and human, in whichever way that is for us, is that bit that takes the strength, you know?  Personally I find it takes less of me to pretend to be someone I'm not.  Being 'real', especially during a tough time and saying that I'm not in a good place is the stuff that requires real strength from me - you just do what you feel like doing at the time and if anyone else doesn't like it, well, they can go suck a toffee or something

Yes, normal is an odd concept when you grow up in a home with odd boundaries.  I was very lucky; I had two very good therapists in the early days who kind of re-parented me and taught me what constituted normal behaviour (and by that, they kind of focused on behaviour that doesn't have an adverse effect on anyone else).  They taught me about boundaries and to listen to my feelings and my inner voice (which I'd always had to suppress) and that I had a right to think and feel the way I did and that it wasn't wrong to expect other people to treat me politely and be mindful of my feelings and just show some consideration.  That was very novel for me and is still something I have to work on.  So yes, normal, it's such a loaded word!  And very hard to find our own definition of what that is.  You are very obviously Bill's ''normal', and he yours.  You're in such a tough situation right now and I don't think there is a 'right' way to deal with it - you muddle along as best you can.  Have you got anyone else around you now who is in a good place themselves and can be supportive in a practical way? xx

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When will lack of training have consequences for the ones in charge?

« Last post by CB123 on October 17, 2019, 11:52:43 PM »

I feel the same frustration, Lighter. I am also so amazed and lifted up by the grass roots movements that are making an impact to counter some of this. It does sometimes feel like one finger in a dyke of a million holes. But it seems that the darkness is giving a place for so many lights to shine. It is so encouraging to me to witness it. And it feels like it is making a difference--democracy is functioning at the grass roots level, where it was always intended to.

I don't know where you are located, but my city has more opportunities to get involved than I can take advantage of. My kids are involved in things like marches, nonprofits addressing immigration issues, housing inequities, etc. I'll bet you would be a dynamo in whatever cause you got involved in. You have so many organizational abilities and so much energy and integrity.

CB

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Just wondering how you would answer this question?

« Last post by Bettyanne on October 17, 2019, 03:57:28 PM »

Thanks.....Twoapenny,
How nice of you to write a nice response.  Yes it is difficult mentally dealing with Bill being so sick from the cancer and treatments.....for sure anything that was modeled at home as a kid was so dysfunctional.....do you find yourself trying at times to figure out what is normal?? I was never showed normal....to the point no one could relate to me...but most of the time as a kid I kept my mouth shut.  Anything that was going on in my home forsure was not going on in any friends homes or neighbors it was that bad. 
So I have spent my life trying to figure out normal reactions.....so this is now one of the most diffiuclt times....makes alcoholism my husband had and his family look like a walk in the park!!! He has 33 years sober this year which is wonderful...do you think Love is the answer....I do...because what I felt as a kid was not love....it was how can I get you into something school and  activities or being left alone with a grandmother who was out of her head and a brother who could not walk or talk as not to deal with me....yuck.
Saying all of the
 above I am grateful I came to see the light of dysfunction...not a happy situation but one since my NM is dead I don't have to get one of her phone calls ......acting so phony.....My NM diagnosed with Borderline with N traits....
I will do my best right now.....no matter how hard it is on me......because I do love my husband
Life isn't perfect and I guess as we learn and see what is important is where we should be.......but so hard when you have been hurt to your core.....like you with your step dad.......so so sorry, he should have been put in jail....I know years ago kids where blamed.
I just want to share with you my NM was born on Friday the 13th of October 1911.....I have always felt it was unlucky...I feel that that was so creepy....omg.....friends she was the pitts
I will do my best not so much to stay strong as people will say....but to just be human and normal....even if I have to cry or be upset that the person who loved me and was always there for me.....has cancer and that stinks friends....
Thanks Twoapenny and friends.....Love, Bettyanne

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: 2019 Farm Life

« Last post by sKePTiKal on October 17, 2019, 10:23:59 AM »

LOL... there's a whole cast of characters around here these days Hops. Matthew is the former house guest; the one we took to the hospital and helped stake to restart his life. He is on "intimate terms" because he's spent so much time here... we've been his "group support" and he's been vulnerable and open about his stuff he's dealing with and working on... and because Hol is tackling a new thing or level - it's good for her to have someone with his experience in addition to mine, with actual therapy. We also laugh a LOT when he's around. He doesn't have any family nearby; so we're kind of his PHamily.

Yah, it's been an eventful year - but stuff is MOSTLY to the upside for everyone; the sunshine side. Some hard things to process take a long time; come back over & over; and you get one more bit of treasure to put into the "keeper" trunk. Matthew and I were talking about that a lot this last visit.

The idea that you grow up - and then life is permanently good. Or you go thru therapy and you're instantly permanently "fixed" and nothing bad will ever happen again. IME, that's NOT the way it works. LOL. We keep learning, seeing something new, maybe even revising what we initially thought was "the end of all that".