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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on September 15, 2025, 09:39:17 AM »

  I'm having a really good day.  The girls and DD24's bf jumped into the kitchen and organized countertops, cabinets, drawers and fridge, which was amazing.  Jazz played in the background.  Happy banter drifted up the stairs.  DD24's explosive laughyer punctuating the happy chatter.

Comfortable.

Relaxed.

Ok.  That was 2 days ago.  Yesterday, I was having an even better day.......and wondered if it was too wonderful.

It was.
Later in the day, I told DD23 I'd added a "water closet" to the studio....in the office area.  She was super unhappy.....said I'd added "a wart on the back of her beautiful bathroom," as the plumbing lines up that way.

There's multiple opinions on the issue...from love to good idea IF used/doesn't leak/has a powerful exhaust fan to hate it/it's a betrayal and it needs to be removed NOW!

So.....
there was also an early am text from island housekeeper.....cottage flooded from "repair to water heater" by my trusted handyman, who's done that repair before.

Housekeeper and "caretaker", who doesn't answer my calls 80% of the rime/has never solved a problem I needed help with....
those 2 hate the Hatien handyman, who built my sturdy boardwalk, put in new bath/kitchen ceilings, painted new doors. and patches roof leaks as needed....answers all my calls, btw.....
it's problematic, bc I need them all doing their jobs. 

Back to the fortress of the minds quandary.

No personality disordered bullishite pressing in....getting loud...."breaking things."

Nope. 

I've built a life with ...
Athe possibility of serenity.....
Limited the chaos. 
Handed daughter's the gift of discernment....... what's normal and what's personality disordered bullshite, they don't have to tolerate, bc fear, financial terrorism.....dependency......of any kind.

I cañ hear DD24's ringing lñaughter in the background. Excuse the typos....I cracked  ñy on phone screen again grrrrr.

Won't have to endure, put up with, excuse, cover for ... explain away.....or fearñ

If they do, it'll be a choice, and their experiences will inform those, I pray.  It's important not to allow traumatic betrayals, by family and friends, who were obligated to trust, impact our possible futures ever again.

I'm comfortable calling a spade a spade.  Seems a moral imperative, if I'm being honest. My children SEE ...they've heard.... from r years.  They believe.

So Amber......I think/believe the current political climate has made it cool to be bigoted and comfortable with woman hating authoritarianism.  Maybe no more mental health issues...but out in the open.  In our faces.....feeling entitled to relieve women of their choices.

I'm still waiting for my brother to explain his opinion.....women should be mother's, in the home., while calliñg us citizens who aren't producing non

Last ñight dd24 mm made yu mm y dinner

For me.....
This discomfort, I feel, represents imperative for change. 

And that's ok.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on September 10, 2025, 10:22:57 PM »

Whooo, reactions to men are very adrenalized for you, Lighter. From Yelly Guy to cousins and DDs' boyfriends, cousin's unstable ex, your brother, and many other feelings about "men" in general.

I can go there too, and I haaaaate that feeling when it comes up in me. Kind of a deep, generalized resentment of male privilege and male domination in the whole dang world.

But I can't stay there. It feeds on itself and I can spin. My point is I think I see you spinning deeper and faster and being sooo involved in so many other people's dramas, not all but most revolving around certain kinds of male behavior.

I worry about whether this is good for you. You've now got a strong "we" going with your adult daughters, about men. It sounds like psychological bunker mentality. Do you think there's a chance it's not good for them to bond in this bunker with you? Caution, sure. Careful, proactive self-protection. But are you the only source that can train them in this? And how far does it go? Could it reach paranoia?

I'm coming across as uber-devil's-advocate, and am not as confident as this writing might sound. But I do feel I'm blowing a low-note horn. Hope it comes across as respectfully as I intend it.

hugs,
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by sKePTiKal on September 10, 2025, 08:01:21 AM »

I can't tell if people simply have shrugged off ALL guidance about behaviors - only cherishing the next hedonistic high feeling - or if their cheese has actually slid that far off their cracker (mental illness getting worse).

Even some people I like are showing severe issues. I try to convince myself it's oK to go out in my local town; the people can be real and nice. They know us now, after 8 years. Hol is concerning me some days, with her over-active brain and imagining that people think or feel things... with no evidence. Or trying to reverse engineer the motivation based on evidence.

So, hermit lifestyle is feeling very attractive to me. I have my own issues and problems to solve, and don't have the bandwidth for OPP's. B & I are even thinking about a week's "getaway". Will involve some touristy exploration, but also a LOT of just "us" time. No list... no being around other people's crap.

Only "project" I'm working on is the lift. Contractor I've spoken with about sealing the cabin & rebuilding the decks, still hasn't come out for a "look-see". I know he's busy right now; I know he's short-handed too. It's a possibility for work this fall, when they can't work other properties. Soon our focus will be firewood and indoor tasks (long postponed and very definitely needed.)

Do what you can for the cousin, Lighter. Don't get sucked into Drunk's blatantly obvious control games. It'll just use all your energy to no avail.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on September 10, 2025, 04:21:59 AM »

My cousin left her husband, just after her niece's wedding.  The husband doesn't know where she is, and their 20yo DD had to give up neutrality yesterday. 

She was taking her dad's calls, and visiting him at their home, but he's unstable and lashing out in every direction, trying to get cousin back in the house.  Only the dad is still residing in the home, btw.

It's weird.....
it feels like..... the dad is cannibalizing their children. In hopes cousin will appear....and remove him from his dinner.

For instance.....cousin had their DD at urgent care....asthma.....the sticky kind.... oxygen stuck at 88..... wouldn't go above....gave steroids and antibiotics.  While in that appointment, the dad calls....DD is socialized to not upset dad. She takes his call.... doctor and mom in room....DD asks if she can phone dad back.

Dad now knows she's at urgent care. With the doctor.... struggling to breathe....on speakerphone, but insists he must make the (sadly not unexpected) announcement.... he's cancelled dd's car insurance.
 Because that's what you do when you're trying to get control of your wife back.  You leverage the children.  Of course you do.

The son, who hasn't been socialized to make everyone feel better all the time, won't take his father's calls or visit him.  He received a text informing him insurance cancelled....and it's really awful.  "Hey, buddy....hey Jackie....all super sweet language, like he's addressing a young child.  Actually made me feel ill, reading it.

Later, the DD ends up in stepped down ICU, where DD removed her father from her emergency contact list and announced she no longer feels safe to visit her father, bc she fears he'll do something to her, to get back at the mom.

Up to that point, she'd been Sweden.... refusing to understand her mom's choice to go no contact/in hiding....unwilling to judge her father, or cut him off. 

It's interesting, the drunk dad liked to get DD drunk with him.  The DD received so little care from him.....that felt like love to her. He actually asked DD to call her  mum and report he'd given up drinking....
while holding a beer in his hand.

He knew shis wife would know he still drank....so why try to coax her back to the house?  Where he has a gun?  And privacy, behind doors?

He's also presenting himself as a newly single guy about town.  Happy. So so so happy. To be rid of his sober, responsible, funny and amazing wife. "Finally."

He's edging on the Coraline movie scene where the other mother is pounding against the little door, screaming "come back, don't leave me, I'll kill you, I'll die without you!!"

Paraphrasing, but you get the picture.

The....."drunk" sounds judgy.  Will refer to him as D.

D talks to my brother, and asked him to phone our cousin and tell her D stopped drinking.  The man "chooses" to drink from 5am to whatever time he passes out, drun....from drinking all day.  He would beg me to drive him to the store, to get beer, during family reunion.  I was cooking. Cleaning. Playing with kids and he's posted up in the kitchen, drinking nonstop, worrying about running out of beer, which he did not.  There were 2 cases, undrunk, left over of Busch.  I digress.

Brother didn't call cousin... didn't fall for the bs.  Instead, he called D back and asked if he'd really given up alcohol.  D laughed, and admitted he had not.  A little light hearted jape?

Brother unimpressed he'd been asked to compromise his integrity, with his cousin, but seems, still, firmly in the "let's not create drama" camp, as in......speaking about the fear D will harm or kill cousin/the kids makes him uncomfortable, so he's dismissive. 

The DD's oxygen levels are up to 90, which is improvement. Cousin had new car insurance in place, for them all, before the day ended.

D no longer drives. His balance is shot, bc he's saturated with alcohol.

The neighbor men are telling cousin her life is in danger.....telling her they're willing to protect her, should it come to that.  Certainly, the Ohio family is supportive and understand the assignment.  Cousin's friends are alarmed and feel this woll certainly be a case of graveyard love, if D can manage it.

:: struggling with all kinds of acceptance::.
Mostly to do with my brother's (unconscious?) belief systems.....I think.

D is disdainful of women.  Brother has been for years.  They have that, or had that, in common.  Would both vote against reproductive healthcare, if D hadn't given up voting rights.  He can't do jury duty with his extreme drinking habits. 

Anticipating D will use free family attorney to dick cousin around in Court, till their meager savings are gone and legal debt, all he can get, is driven up.  You know...the usual "loving father" behaviors expressed by a dad with 2 kids at university.  Cousin took her name off the kid's bank accounts, so D can't take those.

Oh ....and he's asking for alimony.

I realize..... I can't talk about this without some judgement.

My brother offered to hook D up with an AA sponsor, but D adamantly refuses to consider it.  He's made a "choice" about drinking.  It's not a "problem." Now can you call my wife and tell her I gave up drinking?

Nope.  I can't release outcome or judgement. 

::looking up next T appt date::.

So much destruction and destructive behavior.  So much of my cousin covering for D....trying to protect children....get through another day....endure scathing shame at every social gathering.....and D telling everyone, who'll listen, he's "happy now.... hasn't been for a long time ....would never take cousin back."

Telling the children, but not an AA guy. That's the line D draws in the sand.  He's calling his MIL, and cousin's girlfriends....actually propositioning the single Christian gal. Bleck.

This is an ancient struggle....trying to accept sone parents eat their young.  I know they justify it with....
"What's good for me is good for the kids."

Or maybe they don't feel obligated to justify anything?

I have a problem with it. 
That's clear.
And it's fairly..... visceral, yup yup yup.

The wide eyed and stupid stance, of willfully ignorant bystanders, baffles me. 
No.  It actually gives me the vapors.
 It changes my brain chemistry.

The journey continues.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Adventures in renovations... again

« Last post by lighter on September 10, 2025, 02:58:48 AM »

Bathroom emptied. New tub in the space. DD and I shopped tile last night.  She likes delicate/light blue bathroom picture....tiled shower/under chair rail with the light blue paint above.  She likes crown moulding.  Flooring looks to be small ish black and white mosaic tiles....marble. She wants to paint the vanity the light blue.....has decided the black granite countertop is perfect.

Will install nooks in shower, by toilet and for access to shower/tub plumbing.

A third toilet getting installed behind the upstairs toilet....in the office/studio.  I'm trying to get a small corner sink in too.

Material run filled garage with green rock, plywood, electric and plumbing stuff.  We pick up the orange Schluter tile backer board/fasteners tomorrow.... and wade through warehouse of mud covered tile.  Again. 

Changing out a door. Reusing for the new water closet. New door in garage.

Figuring out the tub/shower faucets not going well.  I want a showerhead, tub filler and handheld sprayer mounted on deck, as well.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Adventures in renovations... again

« Last post by lighter on September 07, 2025, 12:34:42 PM »

Charlotte(neighbor) is paying $15K to have a crew scrape popcorn ceilings, remove wallpaper and paint interior....they say next week.  I think that's a fair price, but golly....I can't imagine she'll have the house emptied by then. 

DD's bf moved his music stuff into the jazz shed today.....and it's a glorious fall day to do it. So beautiful out!

I took an outdoor shower and used that bathroom today.  Felt luxurious to have the door open, with trees, sky and sound of birds flooding in.....sunshine and the breeze too.

I have caulking to finish, and to freshen up in kitchen and dining room.  Will paint later...maybe today.

The draperies are painted, split and ready to be finished with trim.  Brackets painted. Drapery rings on the table.

The upstairs bathroom gets torn out Monday.  DD23 giving me the vapors.... she's not sure what she wants.  Is wishy washy.  I'm making choices today.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island

« Last post by lighter on September 07, 2025, 12:24:34 PM »

Please, dear Lord, let the October guest buy the cottage!  Would be huge relief, Hops. 

Another booking for early November, and this is the first year cool weather bookings outnumber summer (Hot!) bookings.  I don't know why people ever go in that buggy heat, bleck.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island

« Last post by Hopalong on September 06, 2025, 06:34:07 PM »

Really glad for you, Lighter.
A sale in the offing and one more albatross soon off your back!

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island

« Last post by lighter on September 06, 2025, 08:17:49 AM »

Guests happily landed yesterday, and chilling in cottage....water pressure low.  Hopefully recovered. 

There were 4 grocery receipts from housekeeper completing their fridge sticking list.....totaled 160.00.  Housekeeper gets $50 shopping, schlepping, stocking fee, which is the deal of the century, imo.

The groceries, themselves, are expensive, but you lug them with you or get them on the island.  That's the choice.  Housekeeper is precise and very selective shopper.....knows when freighters arrive, who has best cheese and produce, etc.  I will never shop on the island again. 

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Adventures in renovations... again

« Last post by lighter on September 05, 2025, 10:51:19 AM »

We're about to finish a little door trim and vent adjustment in the first bathroom.  Whew!  So ready to be done with that!!!!  Monday the upstairs bath gets torn out.

I introduced contractor to Villain Charlotte, as she looks stressed and very much alone clearing her house.  He'll help with some small things, mostly electrical.  Charge her $80 instead of the $300 quoted by electrician.  Tomorrow morning he'll help her move stuff into basement.  We moved her heavy heavy mattress earlier today and I'll put some stuff for sale in neighborhood message board.

Her eyes are shiny again..... she's over the 🌙 happy, in this moment.  Didn't cost me much.

Lighter