Recent Posts

1

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by lighter on Today at 02:05:13 PM »

You seem ready to process, and heal your trauma, Meh.  I'm glad you're actively seeking a therapist to facilitate.

If you'd like more information, or insights, on my perspectives on healing....just ask.

I don't want to slow your flow, of noticing what's there.....behind your discomfort.

The discomfort is just a messenger, IME.....asking for attention. 

Resisting, what's there, typically is the root of my suffering....once I turn to face it.  Even though I know this, it's still exhausting and confusing to sort, as you're doing.  Better with a guide/therapist.

Lighter

2

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by sKePTiKal on Today at 09:12:13 AM »

Meh, your description of yourself as "stuck", struck a bell for me. Along with being "tired".

You're correct, that CoNs know that their survival depends on being quiet, not telegraphing emotion, or giving the N any reason to target oneself for criticism or anything else. Sometimes it happens while practicing that a LOT, like all the time, that one "hides" one's internal world from oneself even - in the fear, that it'll be read on one's face. Ooops.... revealed!

I equated that with a wish to be invisible. LOL. But it was more like my personality, persona, ego, whatever you call it, had been only roughly sketched out - in my inner world. I'd never developed it into a refined finished drawing to present to the outside world. Logically, it follows (at least in my mind) that something that vague and ghostly didn't have a lot of preferences, didn't have much agency or autonomy... wasn't really REAL. It was an idea. And that sure as hell FELT stuck.

Trying to move out of that (and finish the drawing more completely) moved me into an experimental phase; trying things on for size, fit, feel - expression. It wasn't competitive; there wasn't any objective right or wrong (since society is always changing it's standards there) - it was just finding what was comfortable for me, that I felt good about. And I kept going.

Momentum is a strange thing. Once moving, it develops a life of it's own. The only hard part is overcoming the reason for inertia, in the first place. There can be a million different reasons for inertia - fear, resistence, lack of direction, lack of decision, procrastination (as if there is some magically blessed time to begin anything)... and if you're being as honest with yourself as it sounds to me, as you are... you'll figure it out. I got my own struggles with inertia. And knowing when it's my self telling me I NEED to rest or when it's something getting in my way. That I've been putting in my own way, because I internalized something unjust, judgemental, critical or cruel.

Yup; it's still there - but I'm making headway. Usually to do with pick 2-3 little things toward the task and making myself start - because it is something I WANT for myself. For me, it's the want that's the key to kickstarting that momentum. You might find something else that does it for you.

Good luck! (oh - and it helps if you accept any babystep successes at first and don't beat yourself up if you fail to meet a goal the first time)

3

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on Today at 02:32:09 AM »

When you are a child of narcissists, your internal world is unsafe to express out loud.

4

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on March 13, 2026, 05:27:28 PM »

"To a narcissist, a reality check is an act of war."

5

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on March 13, 2026, 03:37:37 PM »

- I will probably come back to this and edit it.

1) Yesterday I called my crap health insurance and asked for some phone numbers to try to make appt to see a therapist. One of the phone numbers they gave me is for a male out of state which is not what I was looking for. One of the phone numbers they gave me was incorrect. One of the phone numbers they gave me was for a place that has over a month waiting list to get in and that is not for a therapy appoint it's to establish care with a PCP which is not really what I want to do. So today no progress on that. People always say "just go see a therapist." Sinking too much energy into the frustration is somewhat not going to help me but also I kinda have to go through this stupid process.

The incorrect phone number I did get the correct phone number and then I left a message yesterday and never heard back and then I left a message again today and never heard back. I guess these are small businesses not a large business. I miss having good insurance which I haven't had for a long long time. In the past I would call and someone would answer right away and I could get an appointment in maybe two weeks.

2) Time online. Sometimes something useful comes out of it sometimes not.
3) Christian Realism -- I've been interested in it this week although I am deeply an atheist. Perhaps it's just the realism part that appeals to me.
4) Loneliness - I was reflecting on how when people use the word lonely it can mean more than ten things.
5) Unwellness - thinking about how emotional unwellness can feel like a gross subtle feeling not necessarily in the stomach but also like someone has the flu and is weak and wants to puke. I don't have a term for this feeling and "disturbed" is too vague and too stigma.
6) I'm really freaking tired.
7) My hair is wet and when it's dry I am going out today. And it's snowing. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.
Online resources (I'm not referencing voicelessness here) - there are online communities related to mental health stuff and I find that sometimes the distraction feels a) useful psychologically but also b) a time waste and c) an addiction - it amazes how many people get online and all they say over and over is "I'm bored." -- I'm not bored. I feel stuck. Maybe I am stuck maybe it's not a sensation.
9) tired
10) tired
11) tired
blah blah blah...
Maybe it looks like I am complaining but I can't manage my thoughts. If things bounce around in my synaptic nerves I can't deal with it. I need to write it out. I need to look at it. I need to see it and reflect what is important here. What is not important. The (5) unwellness feeling is speaking to me.
I'm not hungry. I am still going to put food in me and drink more water. And get ready slowly go do departure mode aka packing crap up so I can go out the door.

I made it outside and.
And... what I will add here is that I was reading how covert-collapsed narcissism does have an element that goes along with it of paranoia. And I think I've had a bit of an ahha moment with this. Rarely but occasionally I guess one gets a weird window into the narcissist... and a couple times when we are outside/outdoors in public.. the narcissist said some really strange things both times. One time they acted like it was a joke but they were starting to talk weird about like undercover FBI agent type stuff. Also the other time the narcissist sorta zoned in on a random guy who was waiting for a woman but the random guy was standing on the sidewalk. It was daylight. There was really nothing sketchy about it at all but the narcissist was creepy-obsessed with this guy all of a sudden becausee the narcissist "didn't like the guy" or whatever and it was just the weirdest thing to me. Like there is no drug dealing going on, there is no car theft happening it's very public, there was no REAL reality legit reason for the N to focus on this guy in such a strange paranoid way.

The ah-ha moment I have had is how really REALLY sick narcissists actually are. Demented. Very weird inside their own minds. And I think this is part of the reason why I am just so uncomfortable being around N. Also there is the forced-engagement over fake pretenses. There are the stupid unwanted "gifts" which are actually demands for attention. There is the very angry lashing out at a person for very pathetic petty basic things etc. I've been monitored by a paranoid covert narcissist for a massive portion of my upbringing.. and it makes sense I think to me that someone as a young person would be maybe "unformed" personality wise or psychologically OR have some emotional regulation issues at times maybe. I am tired. I do not know. The paranoia that a covert narcissist has is just so freaking weird.

6

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 09, 2026, 10:08:49 AM »

The procrastination energy is one I fight too. In my case, it's a form of resistance - a mutated form. Born of the over-responsibility required for first, survival and later for "approval". It's the little Amber with hands on hips, in battle stance, saying "you can't make me!" The analytical brain makes the excuse, that hey - look how long I've worked hard and it's time for me to relax & enjoy!

LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL

Like I've observed before, I'm high maintenance for me. I'm using a different strategy to short-circuit all of that now. I just do a couple little things at a time (while focusing on one particular project) just to get the machinery of "doing" greased and running smoothly. Once it's all up and running, then I'll run on momentum for a good while. This year, it's happening with the garden. And I'm still waiting to see what's stuck and needs lubricating.

7

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on March 08, 2026, 05:19:42 PM »

Love the wisdom of not "starting a story," Lighter. Thanks for that. As if I haven't been telling the Poet story nonstop for quite a while! But I can see the sky through your associating clarity with not doing the story. Clarity is peace, innit? A bit of blue opens up.

Won't have any iris news for a while, as Abdalla is very worried about his family members trapped in the war in the ME. (He's Somalian but his wife is from the ME, I understand.) His texts are blowing up with their fear and entrapment. How awful. He assures me he'll get to me, and I trust that.

My friend who's offered the irises will dig them up anyway, as rhizomes can last a long time in a box. These are lightish pinks and yellows. In the front yard I've got mostly white, with clusters of purples and an unusual, beautiful bronze that came from dividing I did a long time ago with a church-garden friend. I'm happy to just have irises of any color at all, as my artist ex convinced me that nature loves color wherever/how it happens, not always scripted or controlled.

Amber, I'll always be grateful for your analytical mind chiming in, and that was a great piece of perspective. Yup, gotta center my own feelings lately, to make headway.

I'm struggling with spring lethargy, mindful its nasty cousin could become depression. So getting into motion to accomplish the basics, the very basics of home hygiene, is a very embarrassing mountain to start climbing. But I gotta.

hugs
Hops

8

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 08, 2026, 09:41:40 AM »

It always feels good to give oneself permission to let something (one) go.... who is taking one's energy. Or to ignore them, or to just not care MORE about THEIR needs/feelings than my own. And if my energy or capacity is shrinking - I doublecheck if I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the purpose needed in the moment. If I can't or don't want to, I don't sweat it.

But that's the analytical brain talking; been in that space lately for whatever reason. Not completely, fortunately.

9

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on March 08, 2026, 09:08:26 AM »

Good morning, Hops:

I hope you're still experiencing clarity and peace around the poet situation.  Twinges of loss can pop up and pass, or linger a bit, IME.

It's sad, but I try to sit with it.....resist going into a story about it .... remember the clarity, and bounce to the next thing.

Going back to clarity, and skipping the story....has become shorthand, and code, for being grounded...getting back into the present.  At least, that's the goal, as I move through my day.


Expanding perspective is revelation, IME.....nose off pebble, and such.
I thought your revelation, about your changing, instead of needing others to change, is spot on.  Simple, but not always apparent, depending on perspective, ime. 

Acceptance can feel like rolling over a steep speed bump, for me, after throwing, rolling, and scraping myself against it. 

Calm and clarity restored.....until the next bump, or COW or poet, yup yup yup. 

I really liked the way you put it....

"....I felt a switch had flipped in my brain, and a sizzling sputtering circuit had just stopped."

How're other connections going?  I'd like to hear about those beautiful irises.

Lighter

10

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on March 07, 2026, 01:09:04 PM »

I feel soooo much better.
I think when any relationship turns toxic, depending on level of attachment, there can first be a load of denial that can be very persistent. Even in romantic relationships, there can be the "beating a dead horse" thing. (I think my relationship with M, that whole "dream machine" disassembling, was where some of my increased strength was formed. He was so egregiously self-absorbed that I finally recognized that waking up to smell the coffee is a fine practice, as reality is my friend.) Untangling all that has been hard work for ages. Grief is part of it, I think.

What I'm happy about now is that over time, I really have gotten it through my thick skull that sure, I can try to convince/inspire/engage/reveal insights to a person I'm close to IF THEY WANT IT, and help them move toward healing or positive change. For me now, the primary revelation is that it's ME who needs to change, and I am. I'm seeing a different perspective that's not about being a victim. Wonderful feeling.

As to attachment, there's some sock monkey stuff, both in my romantic and friendship relationships history. Rooted in childhood, probably fear of abandonment from being so small, extremely sad and scared (brother, Nmom, school bullying/ostracisation). But some different seed was growing all along in my mind, and now I CAN face, however slowly, unexpected revelations of aggressive or self-serving character, or just inability to commit to healthy reciprocity. And I can make choices to ease out of a toxic attachment.

To my amazement, I have actually let go of Poet, and basically said No to continuing dialogue with her. I didn't blame her, but explained how/why the volatility and anger part just can't work for me. Or that I can't face/absorb them without feeling toxic myself. She responded with "oh no, I didn't mean this or that..." and a variety of reasons why her life is so difficult. All are real and valid (she has gout), and I told her so. But she also reversed herself, made up new excuses, and tried blaming me, which I didn't accept. I wasn't angry about it, just realized it was not true.

After the email stuff was over, I had this moment where I felt a switch had flipped in my brain, and a sizzling sputtering circuit has just stopped. I felt such relief. I feel light and easy and curious and delighted about spring, crocuses up this morning, and new friends both writers and non-writers. I feel a sense of possibility and peace.

I will surely be back writing here in pain over something (or someone) or other at some point, but it feels so good when it's GONE. Like most of us, I've come through a winter that tested my soul in ways. And more poems are coming. Some might appear morbid to non-poets, but I feel connected to the imaginative thinking behind the images, which is unique to every poet. We literally write about anything and everything, as no subject is off limits. And there's a part of me that loves to tackle taboos. Usually with humor but sometimes straight on the chin.(My latest includes an image of my taxidermied self being "shellacked" into a rocking chair that would be delivered to each of my friends for a visit. I found it chuckle worthy but one friend I sent it to said Whoooaa! LOL. I should only send "shocking" ones to poets.)

Pup is doing his best imitation of a heating pad clamped to my side, a friend is offering me new irises and morning glory seeds, and I am okay. Hope you all are getting tipsy on spring and feeling the joy of life returning.

hugs
Hops