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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on March 08, 2026, 05:19:42 PM »

Love the wisdom of not "starting a story," Lighter. Thanks for that. As if I haven't been telling the Poet story nonstop for quite a while! But I can see the sky through your associating clarity with not doing the story. Clarity is peace, innit? A bit of blue opens up.

Won't have any iris news for a while, as Abdalla is very worried about his family members trapped in the war in the ME. (He's Somalian but his wife is from the ME, I understand.) His texts are blowing up with their fear and entrapment. How awful. He assures me he'll get to me, and I trust that.

My friend who's offered the irises will dig them up anyway, as rhizomes can last a long time in a box. These are lightish pinks and yellows. In the front yard I've got mostly white, with clusters of purples and an unusual, beautiful bronze that came from dividing I did a long time ago with a church-garden friend. I'm happy to just have irises of any color at all, as my artist ex convinced me that nature loves color wherever/how it happens, not always scripted or controlled.

Amber, I'll always be grateful for your analytical mind chiming in, and that was a great piece of perspective. Yup, gotta center my own feelings lately, to make headway.

I'm struggling with spring lethargy, mindful its nasty cousin could become depression. So getting into motion to accomplish the basics, the very basics of home hygiene, is a very embarrassing mountain to start climbing. But I gotta.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 08, 2026, 09:41:40 AM »

It always feels good to give oneself permission to let something (one) go.... who is taking one's energy. Or to ignore them, or to just not care MORE about THEIR needs/feelings than my own. And if my energy or capacity is shrinking - I doublecheck if I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the purpose needed in the moment. If I can't or don't want to, I don't sweat it.

But that's the analytical brain talking; been in that space lately for whatever reason. Not completely, fortunately.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on March 08, 2026, 09:08:26 AM »

Good morning, Hops:

I hope you're still experiencing clarity and peace around the poet situation.  Twinges of loss can pop up and pass, or linger a bit, IME.

It's sad, but I try to sit with it.....resist going into a story about it .... remember the clarity, and bounce to the next thing.

Going back to clarity, and skipping the story....has become shorthand, and code, for being grounded...getting back into the present.  At least, that's the goal, as I move through my day.


Expanding perspective is revelation, IME.....nose off pebble, and such.
I thought your revelation, about your changing, instead of needing others to change, is spot on.  Simple, but not always apparent, depending on perspective, ime. 

Acceptance can feel like rolling over a steep speed bump, for me, after throwing, rolling, and scraping myself against it. 

Calm and clarity restored.....until the next bump, or COW or poet, yup yup yup. 

I really liked the way you put it....

"....I felt a switch had flipped in my brain, and a sizzling sputtering circuit had just stopped."

How're other connections going?  I'd like to hear about those beautiful irises.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on March 07, 2026, 01:09:04 PM »

I feel soooo much better.
I think when any relationship turns toxic, depending on level of attachment, there can first be a load of denial that can be very persistent. Even in romantic relationships, there can be the "beating a dead horse" thing. (I think my relationship with M, that whole "dream machine" disassembling, was where some of my increased strength was formed. He was so egregiously self-absorbed that I finally recognized that waking up to smell the coffee is a fine practice, as reality is my friend.) Untangling all that has been hard work for ages. Grief is part of it, I think.

What I'm happy about now is that over time, I really have gotten it through my thick skull that sure, I can try to convince/inspire/engage/reveal insights to a person I'm close to IF THEY WANT IT, and help them move toward healing or positive change. For me now, the primary revelation is that it's ME who needs to change, and I am. I'm seeing a different perspective that's not about being a victim. Wonderful feeling.

As to attachment, there's some sock monkey stuff, both in my romantic and friendship relationships history. Rooted in childhood, probably fear of abandonment from being so small, extremely sad and scared (brother, Nmom, school bullying/ostracisation). But some different seed was growing all along in my mind, and now I CAN face, however slowly, unexpected revelations of aggressive or self-serving character, or just inability to commit to healthy reciprocity. And I can make choices to ease out of a toxic attachment.

To my amazement, I have actually let go of Poet, and basically said No to continuing dialogue with her. I didn't blame her, but explained how/why the volatility and anger part just can't work for me. Or that I can't face/absorb them without feeling toxic myself. She responded with "oh no, I didn't mean this or that..." and a variety of reasons why her life is so difficult. All are real and valid (she has gout), and I told her so. But she also reversed herself, made up new excuses, and tried blaming me, which I didn't accept. I wasn't angry about it, just realized it was not true.

After the email stuff was over, I had this moment where I felt a switch had flipped in my brain, and a sizzling sputtering circuit has just stopped. I felt such relief. I feel light and easy and curious and delighted about spring, crocuses up this morning, and new friends both writers and non-writers. I feel a sense of possibility and peace.

I will surely be back writing here in pain over something (or someone) or other at some point, but it feels so good when it's GONE. Like most of us, I've come through a winter that tested my soul in ways. And more poems are coming. Some might appear morbid to non-poets, but I feel connected to the imaginative thinking behind the images, which is unique to every poet. We literally write about anything and everything, as no subject is off limits. And there's a part of me that loves to tackle taboos. Usually with humor but sometimes straight on the chin.(My latest includes an image of my taxidermied self being "shellacked" into a rocking chair that would be delivered to each of my friends for a visit. I found it chuckle worthy but one friend I sent it to said Whoooaa! LOL. I should only send "shocking" ones to poets.)

Pup is doing his best imitation of a heating pad clamped to my side, a friend is offering me new irises and morning glory seeds, and I am okay. Hope you all are getting tipsy on spring and feeling the joy of life returning.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 07, 2026, 09:25:21 AM »

Sounds like that space would make a roomy mud room - maybe add a dog wash station? Could wash wellies too.
My bench has 3 baskets under the bench and will be a good place for scarves, hats & gloves.

Lots of outside activities means lots of stuff to grab going out the door here. I'm trying to get it out of the rest of my house. The sisyphean struggle!

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by lighter on March 07, 2026, 09:17:02 AM »

Right you are, Amber.

In the case it turned into kid space, the washer would have to join the dryer in the garage, where there's already a plumbing and a sink.

That entry point would turn into more family sleeping space, adjoining the medium sized upstairs bedroom....but bunk space only 60" long.....so truly, for children, which limits it's appeal for me.

If it stays the laundry room....the dryer has to be moved to another wall, and vented into the garage...which moves washer and dryer over top of sink and toilet plumbing.  A bench and hooks would fit in old washer dryer nook, covering washer dryer hookups...or become more pantry/storage space.  I have a gorgeous armoire would fit.....I think.

In the meantime, it rained in the recently applied Preen, and I is wish I could put on wellies and visit the moss/new shoots in my nighty and barn jacket...like at the lake. 

In any case, the old dryer venting is prone to filling with lint and water, and can't be used. 

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 07, 2026, 07:25:44 AM »

Hmmmm. I don't think I'd stash kids in the laundry room/utility space. Too much for them to get into.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by lighter on March 06, 2026, 03:03:16 PM »

I love the black with unfinished wood.....want to build trim around interior front door, at lake, and paint it all black.  Trim will be above the door, bc it's in a corner.  Will see.

Lots of hooks, in mud room, sounds really useful.

::picturing lake mudroom with bench seating and many hooks....with dog tub and toilet....with children's bunk beds and sink base....with desk area and extra fridge::.

Right now it's a stainless work table, next to washer, with a couple chairs over the sink/toilet plumbing.....a catch-all, really.....dryer located in the garage.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on March 06, 2026, 02:31:38 PM »

This was on the mountain, Hops.  The nice neighbor has the husband with Parkinsons....my house is between hers and the retired nurse....on a cul-de-sac.....the cowboys live next to the nurse.

I'm heading back to the lake soon.  Will try to replace black dishwasher first....need one at the lake too, come to think of it. 

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 06, 2026, 08:46:24 AM »

Mostly the color, is what's doing it for me. Since my interior walls are mostly natural wide pine boards... I painted the doors a neutral khaki; and the alcove that's beadboarded is now that color too, creating a zone. Bench and shelves will be black. Bench cushion is using repurposed curtain fabric that is yellow, white, a greenish gray and black abstract fabric. Almost looks like camo. There will be a board with hooks for hats & coats, and shoe racks. Commercial entrance mat is a deep red. It's just 5 ft or so in front of the door. It's our "back door" and gets a lot of use, so first & foremost it needs to be functional.

The laundry room & utility sink is on the same floor - which I'm using as the functional space of the house. It has my office, a full bath - and that can be used as guest room. Not that I'm putting up a lot of Hol's friends anymore. But I could. It would be easier for anyone with mobility issues - and the lift is right outside. I have a smaller woodstove in the main room so it can be cozy.

While B's gone, I'm going to do a big organization in the underhouse 2 car garage. I've mostly set up half of that as my pantry/food preservation/storage area. B travels with a load of tools so those end up where ever he can find space. The other half is full of UTV, my tools & household fix-it stuff... and some of that is in the laundry room. So there's always a "hunt" when trying to remember where things are. That's going to get resolves once and for all.

All this is left-over "list" stuff that got put on hold with building the Hol Hut, studio remodel, B bringing loads of his stuff ... that I've wanted to do. Because I have large west facing windows, that main room is also my winter plant protection and auxilliary seed startiing area. The downstairs is mostly pass-through and work space; storage... but it doesn't need to be ugly, is my thinking. Functional.

The main floor is next one up and it's tiny house sized - but perfect for two of us. Open kitchen, dining area, living room & master suite. Two bedrooms on 3rd floor are designated guest rooms - but B has commandeered one for his stuff till we get the studio garage (very big space) set up. When he gets here next time we'll start tackling that and the shop space.