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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on Today at 12:51:03 PM »

"Grey Rock requires you to self-induce a state of dissociation. You are essentially asking your vibrant, emotional, creative self to go into a coma so that the narcissist doesn't have anything to "snack" on."

"When you Grey Rock, you aren't just ghosting the narcissist; you are often ghosting yourself. To be "boring" to them, you have to suppress your joy, your opinions, and your spontaneous reactions. If you do this for days or weeks, your brain forgets how to turn those lights back on. That "depression" and "lack of natural activity" you're feeling? That’s your nervous system staying in Functional Freeze."

"Grey Rock is often sold as a way to "win." In reality, it’s a way to sustain the status quo.

It doesn’t stop the person from being a narcissist; it just changes the flavor of the conflict.

Instead of an explosive argument, you get the "banging around" for 40 minutes and the "medical sagas." They are still taking up all the oxygen in the room; you’re just holding your breath to make it last longer."

"By staying "grey," you are essentially paying a tax on your soul. You’ve realized that the "cost" of avoiding a blow-up is the slow erosion of your personality."

"Most advice focuses on "how to handle the narcissist" rather than "how to save the victim's spirit." It’s easier to tell someone to "be a rock" than to address the devastating reality that living with a narcissist is a trauma-inducing environment."

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on Today at 12:08:54 PM »

(((Meh)))) --
How much can you control how often you have to be in their actual presence?

I know it might be realistically complex for various real-reasons... but wonder how much you HAVE to see them, in the present and the flesh?

They're so toxic to you. But I envision you FREE.
I dunno how much distance you can manage, but hope you can manage more.

hugs
Hops

yes, I know... the proximity is not healthy for me i know

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on Today at 12:07:41 PM »

"For a narcissist, a doctor’s appointment is like a premiere of a movie where they are the star, the director, and the victim all at once. They want your full emotional labor to validate their "experience."

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on Today at 09:45:09 AM »

Well.... it's circular.  Isn't it?  Yup.

One needs to stop being affected by the Ns, but they keep being Ns, and that is upsetting bc one needs them to stop being what they are/doing what they're doing so....

one....

can.....

stay......level.....and not get....yoinked backwards.....into the N.....

Wait a minute.

I already know the N gonna do the N same daNg things.

I suffer, bc..... expectations.  My expectations.

Ok....
my expectations for the N don't align with reality.

I have enough distance on it .....I can put it down, but snark, bite and nails POP up like a children's jack-in-the-box
everdang
time.

And I understand it's inside my head....my Nervous System.  My unrealistic expectations.

And I know the way out.....in fact.... I'm going to pick one of my favorite processing things.....and do my best to get on with it.

::looking back at all the people I've done this with::.

I have a visual.... 
I'm standing at the entrance to a cave....a few away from a Cliff's edge....between the edge and the cave entrance.

Occasionally, I get rabbit punched...pinched....whacked in the head by a sharp rock, thrown from above.

I realize, I can step back, again.  Into the cave's safety....and only worry about what's in front of me.

Just as I learned to step back from the Cliff's edge....where everything could hit me anytime, anywhere....it was up to me to notice, and look for ways to make myself safe.

Proximity to the edge is one part. Not enough.

So......again, it's resistance popping up.  Needing someone to stop being/doing/and in this case, simply reminding me of trauma.

That's me.....learning, still learning to notice.....breathe....examine.....do I have access to choice?

I do, now....in this case....I do.

20 minutes ago I was all snark and emotional snot.

I don't like feeling how that feels. 

I threw out the fresh Christmas wreath today.....not so fresh anymore, but still so fragrant.  I stood with it to my 🔙 se, at the curb, and didn't want to put it down.  It's one of the joyful things, real things...no.  It's an actual happy place inside my entire being.  Like my tomato garden....that.

Then I walk inside the house, read a text and ::poof::. happy place gone. Snark and mental snot land....and I know....I notice. I have.....choice....in the matter?

I do, but, first I have to finish processing it out of my dang limbic system....or, emotionally step inside the safe cave where I live in the present and stop reacting to things in the past, like they're still happening today.

And asvI moved through laundry, kitchen tidy, and noticing the messy snow/ice prep remains of clearing out the garage for 2 cars.....
I realize......
I played my own part in this sticky, messy painful relationship.  I kicked, rabbit punched and bit back....and it wasn't at all subtle.  I did that.  Reactively, but I did it and I knew it would leave marks and now those are in the mix, as well as all the other marks, theirs, mine and involved others.  Lordy.

But I still want out.  I still want protection from reactions....I want that split second of choice....the respond/be responsive.....to myself AND the N.....to others....to do no harm, bc that feels worse, and accomplishes nothing I want.

I might want to teach, the N, but that's not my job.  That time has passed, if it ever existed at all.  And I realize, now. I kicked emotional dirt all over something I didn't need to and I want to stop feeling and kicking that dirt around.

And....

Resistance to this......
is.....
a little fear the N will DO something to drag me back out of my safe cave, which is me and mine to deal with.  Not the N, who.....?
Will be......?
What the N is.  I have no control over that.

Ok.....
This really is about resistance.  MY resistance.

I'm going to walk in wet moss, write out my (I felt ____ when ____ did _____,)statement, then tap this down....and...out of my system.

I'm gonna write a (I feel____)statement of what I want....and tap it up ...into my system.

::noticing visual of T's shiny compassionate eyes::.

Nose off pebble.... there's light and space around this.....now.  It's an actual process....for me...I can manage this.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on February 25, 2026, 07:50:02 PM »

(((Meh)))) --
How much can you control how often you have to be in their actual presence?

I know it might be realistically complex for various real-reasons... but wonder how much you HAVE to see them, in the present and the flesh?

They're so toxic to you. But I envision you FREE.
I dunno how much distance you can manage, but hope you can manage more.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: facing the world

« Last post by lighter on February 25, 2026, 10:19:38 AM »

::Thinking about screaming 😱::.
.....
.....
Eh. 

Maybe later.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on February 25, 2026, 10:16:14 AM »

Regarding, Concerned Trolling.....

::mentally pointing at A.... while wondering if it's sometimes me meee meeeeeeeee::.


I really like what Meh said...
"I just want peace and privacy and solutions and ease and to be far away from the N forever."

Feels like another flowing mantra....it has a satisfying ring to it.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on February 25, 2026, 08:16:31 AM »

Huh. I never heard of "concern trolling" before. But it is a thing, isn't it - among those who wish to be hero-saviors and think they know so much about everyone that they have the answer. It's certainly a behavior with a range of motivations possible.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on February 25, 2026, 12:56:47 AM »

That above sounds existential. I read it twice. I'm not sure how to use it.

I just want peace and privacy and solutions and ease and to be far away from the narcissist forever.

Had an issue with them-N today where they view my life as their TV-like entertainment. They got in my face and glared at me and I reiterated to them that I don't like to be glared at. Then they ended up saying that I was very stressed and "we're going to have to do something about your stress." There is more context but I've already complained privately to myself about it in a journal. Though I am thinking how at least now we have the concern trolling phrase thanks to modern pop culture speak I guess.

Narcissist does something unsettling and pointless to center themselves for attention and to poke a reaction of of someone and then targets their victim more by saying "we have to do something about your stress." I had to tell them multiple times just to leave me alone.

"The term "concern troll" was first defined in mainstream media by Time magazine in December 2006, following its popularization in online forums and political blogs around 2005–2006. It describes someone who poses as a concerned party to disrupt, undermine, or derail a discussion."

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages
con·cern trol·ling
noun derogatory•informal
noun: concern trolling
the action or practice of disingenuously expressing concern about an issue in order to undermine or derail genuine discussion.
"there seems to be a lot of concern trolling in the second half of this article"

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on February 24, 2026, 04:59:26 PM »

This is just the right thread for this, Meh.

"When we stop fighting, pulling and denying, and running - when we sit, even briefly, with what unsettles us - each moment begins to offer its lesson: that nothing is lifeless, nothing is void of Love. Even silence, when met with presence, begins to sing.  And here is the paradox: all that is beautiful in life, all that matters, all that carries grace, does not come when we grasp for it - not by thinking its ours to force into being. We push against life like a river fighting its own pull, forgetting both its Source and the vast ocean it longs to join."

--Lee Jampolsky