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« Last post by Hopalong on May 16, 2026, 12:16:01 PM »
Bit short of breath today. Thinking it's allergens but still always hate the sensation. For some reason, I'm pondering age and vulnerability a lot. I'll be starting again at the little cardiac rehab gym soon. Not looking forward to it but believe if I don't stop this sedentary cycle I'll die. When I start walking, the weakness hits. Immobility is a stupid, stupid way to manage anxiety, imo. And I'm probably having that because of getting to know another male and primarily, having let my house go completely squalid. It's not just shame, but fear. Both.
The back pain on bending is the primary physical cause, as doing dishes, food prep, etc send me into back spasms. I'm so weary of it and it's worsening. Actually, something else might be the primary cause: ADD. Once I started the cycle when my dear cleaner has been unavailable for months, it's been like falling. I stopped taking care of this, then stopped taking care of that, etc etc etc. It's been like watching a very slow, time-lapse mudslide that's now engulfed my kitchen, bath and bedroom. I wander around like a wraith with blinders on. I SEE the mess and detour around it back to the womb: on bed with laptop.
The extension isn't too bad, despite mounds of laundry that need folding and multiple more loads to go. Pulling wet laundry out and transferring it to dryer...ow.
I do know what to do. I don't know WHY I haven't done it.
Thanks for listening to an extended, really absurd WHINE. I am so lucky to live here and to be alive. Something's just not been connecting lately and I think it scares me.
There've been highs and lows this spring. Highs especially with the old family friends, a nervous bit with Birdnerd, lows about...falling, home mess, and Poet. Can I blame her for my recent decline? LOL. J/k, I'm no longer grieving but relieved.
hugs
Hops
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