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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on Today at 01:32:03 PM »

The biggest change to my sense of self, which took years to see, was when I made one decision: To pay attention, intentionally, to how I talk to "myself."

I was lacerating myself with every failure I could think of. Critical thoughts would hit me first thing in the morning.

I tried one day to intentionally visualize a kind, sort of maternal inner friend. I'd push thoughts like: compassionate voice, you're better at this than you were before, you're doing the best you can with what you've got, etc etc. Everything passes, this is weather. After a while I started to "feel" the company of that kind presence and worrying about identity started to fade.

hugs
Hops

PS  -- After my Poet drama, I was particularly impressed with how gently and undramatically you made your choice to release an unsupportive friendship. I wound up telling myself: Don't count them, just be with the ones who leave me with some good feelings. I can find more in time.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 28, 2026, 12:35:39 PM »

- adult children of immature parents starts to get new age at the point it talks about the real true self

AI summary:

The actual research breaks down into two main conclusions:

The True Self is a Cognitive Illusion: Empirical research confirms that the concept of a hidden, objective "true self" is a psychological fiction rather than a measurable biological or neurological entity. Data shows the "true self" is actually a cognitive shortcut—a belief system people use to make sense of social identity, rather than an underlying factual structure. 

The "Goodness" Bias: Studies by researchers like Nina Strohminger and colleagues demonstrate that people only claim to see a "true self" when a person's behavior changes for the better. When a person acts negatively or destructively, observers attribute it to external factors or a "surface self"; when they act positively, it is labeled as their "essence". This reveals the true self concept is simply a moral projection used by the brain to track cooperative social partners, not an objective reality. 
Greater Good Science Center - University of California, Berkeley

Origin of the Theory: The distinction between a "true self" and a "false self" originated with mid-20th-century psychoanalysts, primarily Donald Winnicott. Winnicott did not define the true self as a mystical entity, but rather as a child's spontaneous, unconditioned physical and emotional reactions. The "false self" develops purely as a defensive, highly compliant survival strategy to appease erratic, emotionally unavailable, or demanding parents. 
Psychological Scales & Instruments Database

The Modern Scientific View (Cognitive Load): Modern cognitive science reframes this dynamic away from hidden essences and views it through the lens of cognitive expenditure:

Role Self (High Load): A state of high mental exhaustion where you are actively monitoring, filtering, and performing to maintain safety or manage impressions in an unstable environment.

True Self (Low Load): A state of low friction that occurs simply when an individual feels safe enough to drop the defensive performance and stop actively managing their environment.

References:

Strohminger, N., Knobe, J., & Newman, G. (2017). The True Self: A Psychological Concept Distinct From the Self. Perspectives on Psychological Science.

Strohminger, N., & Nichols, S. (2014). The Essential Moral Self. Cognition.

Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self. The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 25, 2026, 01:14:21 PM »

So i've tried to go out and meet people. Been trying for a few months.

The "chosen family" thing seems to be a myth.

I did make one new friend.

But I've also come to realize I have to end my friendship with a different old ex-friend.

This process I had to think about a while. When I was younger I didn't think about friendships they just came or went like the ocean tide.

Being that I now see how difficult it is to meet new people and not just meet people but turn that into potential friendship it's not an easy thing. It takes a lot of time, routine, effort.

Well being that I am reading more about "emotional maturity" etc. and after an old friend flaked on me a few times. I've realized I've put more time into that particular friendship than I should have. She also did something recently which was sort of a hurtful betrayal in a way. I thought about it a lot. I decided to not say anything to her about it as that would also be more emotional labor and she wouldn't understand or likely not even care what I am talking about anyways.

So so far after months of trying to go out more I made one friend and lost one friend.

People my age are really not making a big effort to make friends because they're busy they have careers and families.

And then there are the people who are hyper social. And I'm not sure they are looking for friends maybe they are looking for entertainments. idk.

I guess I learned that investing too much in a friendship can be a bad thing if it's one sided effort. And it's okay to just move on. Said ex-friend probably will not miss me anyhow.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by sKePTiKal on June 25, 2026, 08:00:43 AM »

Well, you yell at your back and I'll yell at my calves & feet, Hops! LOL

New contractor making my deck safe again, starts by delivering materials this afternoon. I've got some outside clean up to do, some more herb garden work, and have to finish up a few inside the house things today/tomorrow. Next really hot or rainy day - I've got studio work to do: Hol is going to a "house warming" party that is also a "surprise wedding" for a friend of hers. The wedding took place some time ago, but they didn't tell their friends... it's 20s themed... so Hol wants to wear her 20 year wedding dress, which needs some altering. Starting with removing a couple of hip darts... and possibly shortening the shoulder seam. The fabric is a very drapey crimson red satin.

But I dunno if she's even going now. Sunday, she and C were supposed to leave to deliver a car to help out my grandsons in SC. Another friend was going to stay here to dogsit. Well, C flipped his switch again shortly after he got here and left. After keeping Hol up most of the night. So she wasn't leaving Sunday morning. The dogitter friend left with her Tuesday; they took the dogs with them and are hitting one of the beaches on the way back. C was supposed to be Hol's "plus one" at this wedding event... but I seriously doubt she'll want to be stood up so dramatically again. I haven't talked to her - or rather, heard her empty the contents of her head yet.

She often rants about how she "has to" regulate her partner's emotions for them and she's sick & tired of doing that with no reciprocation of any kind. Yet she expects me to devote hours to helping her regulate her own... so I refused this time. I've already heard this tale of woe - with 3 different partners. (The ex-husband isn't on the list. He was a completely different sort of guy.) MAYBE she'll see my point; maybe she won't and I will have to explain. But there will be a "debrief" session - the timing was just wrong for me, before she left. And then she tried to guilt me with "I need my mommy" to try to get what she wanted. She's 48, FFS.

Friend Deb will be here next weekend. We're going to try to just have FUN... maybe fireworks. Standard American 4th of July fare: burgers, hotdogs, potato salad... and MAYBE I'll make a Key Lime Pie. (NOT the margarita version!!) We're not going to let Hol dominate that whole time, either. Deb's not into it.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 25, 2026, 12:22:11 AM »

- So tonight I went to a craft gathering thing I had never been to before.
- There was a range of ages
- The table layout was not conducive to meeting people
- It was a long skinny table so I ended up just talking to the lady in front of me mostly listening
- She seemed jittery and wasn't the most relaxing person to be around
- She said she has ADHD
- The vibe was nerdy not arty
- I was mostly just quiet
- I somewhat wanted to ask people what their particular project was but I also didn't feel like it
- I made some throw away thing from random scraps and I hid it at the venue so I didn't have to bring home
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- I tried a new group of people
- I don't feel like i learned anything and only feel like I met the person directly in front of me
- I did arrive about 20 mins late

Was it worth my time I feel like not really. It WAS social exposure. It was kinda unproductive feeling for me.

They were openly bashing Christian churches which somewhat doesn't bother me as I have reservations about religion as well though it didn't seem to cross anybody's mind that someone in the group might have some positive association.

Nobody seemed very curious about each other. Like they didn't seem to be trying to get to know eachother or MAYBE they were idk. I sort of tuned them out when they were bragging about chemistry courses as if they were still college nerds but they're older.

The way I see it is why go out of my way to commute and arrive at a location when I can do dumb throw away crafts anywhere.

I didn't socialize very well but the whole thing was low pressure but also I felt somewhat invisible which normally doesn't bother me but this was meant to be a social event so what exactly is the point.

Being social really is an art form.

I'm not sure what my take away is from this.

I would rather be doing other things.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on June 23, 2026, 06:06:02 PM »

OUCH, Hippy.
That's a painful list, especially for someone as intelligent and creative as you are.

I can relate to all the burnout, and the difficulty tolerating the massive boredom of those sorts of positions. Sometimes we just can't fit the mode, even when we try.

I think for some brains, a switch just flips and we can't undo how we feel.

I don't know a perfect answer, but hope you can continue to find some relief in therapy or perhaps diagnosis/meds.

You should not be wasted.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 05:22:19 PM »

1. The Power Threat Meaning Framework (PTMF)Published publicly in the UK by the British Psychological Society, this framework was specifically designed to replace psychiatric checklists. Its core argument is that symptoms like depression, anxiety, and dissociation are not "chemical imbalances"—they are logical responses to power imbalances and interpersonal threats (abuse).The Argument: They openly state that handing a victim a pill changes the question from "What happened to you?" to "What is wrong with you?" This effectively protects the abuser or the broken system by putting the pathology entirely inside the victim's brain.

2. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score)One of the most famous trauma researchers in the world has pointedly and publicly attacked the pharmaceutical-industrial complex for this exact issue.The Argument: He has repeatedly stated that Big Pharma poured billions into convincing the public that complex trauma responses are just molecular glitches. He argues that blocking a traumatized person's panic or numbness with chemicals allows society to ignore the child abuse, incest, and domestic violence that physically altered that person's nervous system in the first place.

3. Dr. Joanna Moncrieff and the Critical Psychiatry NetworkDr. Moncrieff, a prominent British psychiatrist and researcher, has spent her career publicly poking at the drug companies. She led the massive study that debunked the "serotonin chemical imbalance" theory of depression.The Argument: She argues that psychiatric drugs do not cure diseases; they act as psychoactive numbing agents. By prescribing them to people in miserable, oppressive, or abusive life situations, the medical establishment is essentially using chemical sedation to help people "tolerate the intolerable," masking social and familial problems rather than addressing them.

4. Investigative Journalism: Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker This investigative book heavily criticized the skyrocketing rates of psychiatric drugging.The Argument: Whitaker documents how the pharmaceutical industry marketed drugs as magic bullets for internal defects, which effectively shifted the blame away from bad environments, childhood trauma, and severe isolation. The pill treats the body's alarm system as if it is broken, ignoring the fact that the alarm is going off because the environment is actually dangerous.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 05:02:06 PM »

Date Registered:August 06, 2009, 07:33:21 PM


Been talking about the same shit forever.
Tomorrow same shit.
Next week same shit.
Next Month same shit.
Next decade another decade of same shit.

This is the natural structure of my life.

I'm totally not going to try to fix or change anything at all.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 03:42:52 PM »

"Negative egocentrism [is] characterized by a negative and pessimistic conversational style, talking about one’s problems, and displaying a general disinterest in others' contributions to the interaction."

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 01:44:02 PM »

1- worked at fruit market (I didn't like one of the managers) (owner liked me)
2 - worked at cafe (I wasn't liked)
3 - worked at drop ship gift company (was seasonal)
4 - worked at a front desk (was a temp job)
5 - worked at a bank doing a temp job
6 - front desk admin for one year then quit (some people liked me some people didn't)
7 - worked in admin (managers liked me coworkers didn't)
8 - same company more admin just with a promotion (managers liked me coworkers didn't)
9 - went back to 5 because I wanted a flexible schedule same as above
10 - research position (co-workers liked me manager neutral)
11 - worked in plumbing office front desk (one particular older female coworker didn't like me)
12 - worked as cashier (I didn't like standing on my legs for so long)
13 - worked at call center about 5 years (company was large enough that it was easy to hide at my desk for 5 years)
14 - same job(s) different owner- laid off - was going to stay at this boring predictable job forever
15 - receptionist more or less (didn't fit in with coworkers playing pokemon at work etc)
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I've had a lot of jobs where I either didn't like the situation or I was quite unliked.

The job that was most tolerable to me was the one where there was just so many people it was easy to disappear and get good work reviews. It wasn't that I was liked it was that I was tolerated and I just minded my own business. There was also no way to fake productivity at that job.
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Not only am I tired of the general instability and low pay of jobs. I'm tired of having to deal with work dynamics and also I am bad at socializing anyways.