Recent Posts

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 04, 2026, 10:53:20 PM »

Tired. Took a bus to DOL to get a renewal. I thought I would just try for the stupid state ID because it is in theory 5.00 five dollars. I don't have a car so what do I need the whole shabang for.

After two hours of waiting which I was okay with the woman ended up telling me I can not get the 5.00 ID without "forfeiting" my driving card and then to reinstate it I would have to pay some fee again. Ugh.

I had four fees. It ended up just being under 200.00 I was not expecting that. How can it cost so much just to have a freaking state ID like they would somehow screw me over either way it seems.

That seems to have consumed my entire day including the long bus ride situation. The people in the waiting room were like a sitcom with their commentary and then on their way out they were giving the remaining waiting people a thumbs up as if they'd just done a sky dive. People are funny. The staff was antagonistic. The woman at the desk mocked me and said I was mumbling which is weird because I really can not remember anybody saying this to me like not this year or last or in my recollection has anybody told me they can't understand what I am saying. Because... the woman at the desk was just pushing buttons because she is a gate keeper. If any jobs are replaced by AI then I would vote for the DMV DOL offices. All they do is robotically go through the standard motions.

So I got a "temp card" today which is just a stupid piece of paper and all I can think is this isn't over and my photo was bad because I was tired and I did not get ready for it. It was all I could do to leave out the door in the morning and catch the bus. I have the unhappy bland look of someone who now has learned to despise the DOL.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 04, 2026, 10:06:58 AM »

Hope the narcissist has a stroke soon gets paralyzed and can't talk/can't move would be poetic justice.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 02, 2026, 06:31:45 PM »

https://vaknin-talks.com/transcripts/Social_Distancing_Isolation_with_the_Narcissist/

"Background noise simply means that you are there for the narcissist. You cater to his wishes and his demands, but you do so in a way that renders you a non-entity.

He asks you a question, you answer only that question. You don't initiate, you don't diverge. He demands something you provided. He doesn't talk to you, you don't talk to him. He never initiated.

You're there like some kind of white background noise. You respond fully. You don't disengage. You don't challenge. You don't disagree. You don't criticize. You don't provide advice. You don't volunteer. You don't initiate. You don't exist. You deny your own existence. You go into suspended animation. You become a non-entity, but a responsive non-entity, kind of a smartphone app if you wish."

https://vaknin-talks.com/transcripts/Social_Distancing_Isolation_with_the_Narcissist/
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 02, 2026, 05:38:53 PM »

What are you sewing?

Yeah I did oils long ago - it does sometimes have a higher quality vibe. Was probably doing water color off and on as well at the time and likely also acrylics. I think I had ALL the paints when younger I was obsessed and if I got any little bit of money I would buy paint.

Eventually I ditched the oils and went to acrylic I think because I told myself big messy stinky oils were not going to work correctly in a space not dedicated to them.

Now I am back to portability.

Painting and drawing are two different art forms.

Anyhow. Backburner.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 02, 2026, 05:32:25 PM »

Got up, took shower, made some eggs, went to church, talked to different person at church today about gardening. These felt like emotional stabilizing micro-wins. Talked to a lady doing watercolor at a cafe and she wanted to exchange phone numbers as she wanted to do co-crafting if we ever have time again. Seemed positive. Micro-wins.

Transitioned to looking up the DOL offices on maps to figure out how to get it done ASAP. I could sit all day I guess and bring a book but also I just need to get it done. But they don't open until Tuesday. The plan is in place-- I will try Tuesday or Friday. I have other things on Weds, Thursday. I will not go Sat it will be too busy.

Now for the next tasks.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on August 02, 2026, 12:11:10 PM »

I have diagnosed myself from time to time with analysis paralysis.

I know if I thought about the poetry process that much, I would stop writing.

I tell myself, just open the gate and create.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 02, 2026, 08:23:10 AM »

That sounds perfectly fine - painting nature! In the past, I've sporadically started botanical type drawing (colored pencil) projects - like small books. There has been dabbling, experimenting with watercolor too. Because I didn't feel drawn to the long drying times necessary to work in oils - tho the technical, craftsman brain really feels connected to that. It's like letting a loaf of bread rise, before baking!  <grin>

The next 10 days here are cooling off and a little rainy, off & on. Sewing stuff - here I come. I have some house stuff to do too, but I'll get there.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 01, 2026, 12:04:03 PM »

just spewed my guts out in the infamous "16 diaries of anger and grief". LOL. And I no longer feel compelled to make images anymore.

Thanks for the morning smile. ❤️❤️❤️

Laughed to myself reading this.

Yes, I would deeply agree that sometimes art is emotional processing of a certain type.

Yesterday I saw a neighbor setting up a yardsale and they had a cheapo canvas sitting out I might go check it again and see how much they want. I just have to torture myself with limited palette thing. I'm just into nature themes is all at the moment.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 01, 2026, 11:30:14 AM »

I asked AI if people with autism have muscle awareness disconnect and personality disorder body disconnect and what is the difference between the two:

Autism and Body Awareness: In autism, a disconnect from muscle and physical awareness is typically rooted in proprioceptive processing differences (how the nervous system interprets signals from muscles and joints) and alexithymia (difficulty recognizing internal bodily states and emotions). This can manifest as clumsiness, an inability to gauge physical tension, or feeling ungrounded in the physical body.

Narcissism and Body Awareness: In narcissistic adaptations, a disconnect from physical awareness is typically driven by psychological dissociation and trauma defenses. The mind detaches from the body to escape vulnerability, shame, or internal emptiness, often treating the physical form merely as an external facade or an object to be displayed rather than a space to viscerally feel.

The Common Link: While the root causes differ—neurological/sensory processing differences in autism versus defensive psychological splitting in narcissism—both conditions frequently result in a profound sense of living "in one's head" while feeling alienated from physical sensations, muscle tension, and internal bodily signals.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 01, 2026, 10:24:02 AM »

Some people treat art as if it's a direct pathway to godhood. Artists are the "priests" and therefore deserve special treatment for being different and better than everyone else. (Blech! Ego!) But the fashion (for the last several decades) of extolling the virtues of ugly art, meaningless art (duct taped banana to blank canvas anyone?)... is almost the opposite; it demeans it and redicules the effort.

My relationship with it, was mostly a way to "say" what I was thinking but didn't feel able to speak about; the voiceless syndrome. Yeah, I practiced enough to get pretty good at it. But most of what I felt I had to "say" through the images lost it's importance to me, when I finally opened up and just spewed my guts out in the infamous "16 diaries of anger and grief". LOL. And I no longer feel compelled to make images anymore. I know if I do, I'll still be a realist, with extremely tight, controlled line... think oriental ink drawings. And I may finally decide how to make classical images with a very modern "twist"; a bit of surrealism. Now that I have "new eyes" it would be interesting to see (ha) if it's more enjoyable. But the closeup, very detailed elements still require glasses and I haven't quite found ones that bring that level of clarity yet. Some of that is also retraining my brain to sort out the info from the eyes. The artificial lenses change some real but intangible aspects of "seeing".

Keep writing this stuff out, hippy! It doesn't matter if you change topics or just notice something and save the deep dive till later. You are definitely "getting somewhere new"... and it might feel strange or be awkward, till you get used to the new space.