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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on Today at 03:52:06 PM »

5) I quit therapy for the time being. Therapy feels stagnant now. Some of the things I told the therapist I had challenges with the only thing she said was that people are greatly motivated by the subconscious or unconscious to protect themselves I guess. This makes sense but also I am not sure what I am supposed to do with that B) I don't have energy or intent to find a different therapist right now and I also say that because logistically I will probably run out of insurance before I can make use of it. Who knows maybe I should do therapy more maybe next week or whatever. Bleh.

6) I have kind of sort of been trying to socialize but what ends up happening is I sort of just chat with random people I run into and at it's best it's friendly information exchange. At it's worst I just realize I am on a different wavelength compared to some other people. I guess everybody is in their own lane doing their own thing.

---- I don't always have to adapt myself to other people. I can just be me and have my preferences and if I don't particularly like someone I don't have to become pleasant putty.

7) I miss my solo hobbies because they really gave me a sense of satisfaction of doing something thoughtfully and well.

Back to 6) --- lots and lots of events are transactional consumer things. Maybe I wrote this earlier but I was talking to someone about community and she had said "the local businesses open up for wine tasting" --- and I silently just think to myself this is just posh retail event is all not really the same thing as what I mean so oh well.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on Today at 03:39:04 PM »

Friends have been flaky past 2-3 weekends. So I've been doing some stuff on my own but it's rather limited hyper-local.

1) Went to a couple very small music events and sat by myself totally different experience than A) going with a friend and B) having more money to spend. It's not that I feel like I want things. I feel obligated to be a paying customer even if some of the music events are free.

2) A) I have given up on one of the friends completely and removed her phone number out of my phone and if she wants to make the effort she can but I feel I have planned too much and I have known her for years and I think she wants to rot away at home laying in bed eating cookies getting fatter every weekend. It's okay some weekends but every weekend all summer meh. B) The other friend has a high responsibility job and I am giving her freedom to be under the weather and tired. If she wants to make future plans that is on her now.

3) I have sort of drawn a boundary with some of the older church ladies. I've been pleasant with them but I can't do the "senior" -- "subordinate" thing in my life anymore. I am just trying to find peers and friends not these weird dynamics where a person takes on an authority vibe or whatever. So one of the ladies who was nice but also invited me over to her home but also was doing the authority vibe thing for multiple reasons it's not convenient for me to visit her in her home but also I don't want to relate to someone on that level. It's a real dynamic. I'm needing chill carpe diem make the most of summer peers. -- I perhaps should make some kind of plan for myself this weekend to have some kind of experience by myself maybe.

4) The narcissistic bullshit continues ad nauseum per typical. Rot in hell stagnant carcass. No I am not a church lady persona and don't want to be.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Food for thought

« Last post by Hopalong on June 08, 2026, 11:36:26 PM »

Aaack, I'm so sorry, Amber. I'm glad you're changing your number and share that cold-chill feeling. I always, always tell anybody (including charities) who calls unsolicited that I'm happy to receive info by mail but I do not share my info over the phone. Yikes. (And I do not tell anyone new or unknown my mailing address, either.)

But I'm definitely NOT ready for an Amber diet!

Stay safe, hang in there. I'm glad a new number is an option. I still have a live landline but recently have abandoned it to use my cell only. Only problem is I regularly lose my cell and panic until it's right there, under my pillow or whatever. NOT a satisfactory solution but so be it. I'm going to get one of those cell lanyards and wear the damn thing. (I reallllly dislike having a leash around my brain.)

Otherwise I might as well tattoo all my info on my forehead and invite strangers to Zoom.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Food for thought

« Last post by sKePTiKal on June 08, 2026, 09:19:53 AM »

I'm on a computer "diet".

Noticed that even when I wasn't interested in something, the computer bringing up the same old same old and practically insisting I pay attention to things I consider insignificant or unimportant or stuff I already know... and wasting time I could be using more productively.

Then, there is the cybersecurity issue. I had a total panic meltdown over a phishing phone call. Said they were the bank's fraud unit; even tho they came up on the phone as "unknown". They had info the could only get from the bank website and were trying to convince me to give them more info. I hung up. But in my sleep that night, I found the "common denominator" - the piece of data about me, identifying me - in all the databases from shopping, to financial info, to when I worked 6 months for the gov't. My phone number. My phone's going on 20 years old at this point but it still works fine as a PHONE. Phone company will let me change my number for a reasonable fee. Just like we're reminded to change our passwords, periodically, it's time I changed my number. This info that was hacked over the years gets sold on the dark web to thieves, hackers... pirates...

After a weekend of watching my accounts, I'm going to spend less time online. And take all the usual defensive steps. Starting with the phone number. Always closing the browser window after logging in/out to banks or to pay bills.

I'll still pop in here to chat and support, and all. But the only way to stay safe online - is to not BE online.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Food for thought

« Last post by Hopalong on June 06, 2026, 12:17:39 PM »

I'm not good at short.

But reality is my friend is one of the most helpful thoughts I've ever had.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Food for thought

« Last post by lighter on June 03, 2026, 09:13:52 PM »

Who are we choosing today, ladies?

Who's opinions, voices, and judgments are we honoring....
 in the for ground, and background of daily life...today?

In order for a negative opinion to have a negative affect....
one needs to buy into it, at least a little. In the Four Agreements, being impeccable with words, includes thoughts.

Choose to honor self.....above all .....every day....hour.....moment.

I hope this thread becomes a good spot to share important thoughts for the day, short and sweet.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by Hopalong on June 02, 2026, 05:21:29 PM »

WOW.

Too much wonder to articulate, and is there such a thing as gobsmacking good news?

I'll respond later but want to say, YAY. A from the heart YEA! So very happy to read this, Amber.

big hugs and a few joyful toe wiggles,
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by sKePTiKal on June 02, 2026, 09:01:07 AM »

The psychology of chronic pain patients is interesting. A former private practice PT, put me on to a bunch of research on the neuroscience/psychology involved in his speciality... and it informed some ideas for me. And I tried some simple experiments; I tried explaining - and found out words were simply useless noise in this instance. There is a visceral experience level - a combo of emotions, physical comfort/pleasure, and cognitive distraction that IS a balance to the experience of constant pain, negativity, paranoid expectations of being singled out for torture (the pain). Think of how one comforts a crying baby, who's been fed, changed, etc. Rocking works because of the sense of physical security and gentle rocking motion. The soothing vocalisms are just gravy.

B would always find a "problem" to solve that involved using his hands, eyes, brain when the pain was the worst. It was his self-developed coping mechanism. But all the while, part of his brain was ruminating on being singled out for a miserable physical existence. A negative feedback loop experience.

I started looking for moments that would distract him AND be pleasant. Didn't have to be euphoric or sensation numbing. Little things. Short-lived; but to him - memorable. We started accumulating a library of pleasant memories to offset - just a little bit - the painful ones. Still working on that too, btw. It HELPS that the new pump has dropped his pain level down so low now. And it's working; it's just a slow process.

Other qualities of his personality show through, a peek here and there. Radical acceptance of him, as he is, and still sticking by him means a lot too. Pretty sure there are betrayal and abandonment issues to understand and let go yet... on his terms... but he is beginning to come out of his tactically defensive shell. And it's worth it to see that potential start to be realized.

We don't talk about it. It's not a responsibility or chore for me; when I remember to use a more positive understanding and share it with him - I do. He gets it most times. I don't have to "work" at it; just remember.

More things become possible now, for us. And while it's taken years... investment of time, tolerance of his clutter, and simply feeling "together" in our lives... it's still been worth it. People are simply not "disposable"; altho it sure seems to the many suffering or homeless or in pain - that this is the way it is.

And he takes care of me, too. I think Hol is jealous. But she's also confused because his persona is all toxic-male and yet he is very "other-oriented", protective, sensitive, and caring and smart & funny. Vulnerable even. And that's a unicorn that doesn't exist in her generation.... she thinks. I think she's limiting her perception and awareness with definitions and labels... but since she claims NOT to do that, it wouldn't be useful to point that out. Unless I can catch her in the act; in the moment... where it's not deniable. Pretty sure she's making her own relationship issues too. But that's another topic; another day.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by lighter on June 02, 2026, 06:25:24 AM »

What an amazing update, Amber!!!
:: jumping up and down!!!::.

B deserved good  care.

 I have no doubt, having a shield maiden at his side, guarding, protecting, advocating, and steadying him through the maze of choices, decisions, and injustice....made positive impacts across the board.
:: knocking wood and praying for continued healing::.

I bet you guys are over the moon!!!

I know I am!!!

Hear! Hear!
To the possibility of better/great outcomes.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by sKePTiKal on June 01, 2026, 09:10:33 AM »

So it's been about 10 days since the surgery. Incisions are healing nicely - a small leak around the pump, but he's been increasing his activity the past couple days. His pain level had consistently been high; about 8-10 daily. But since the surgery he says there just isn't any; at least not more than around 2. And old man aches/pains like the rest of us. And it's a wonder to him!

All these years, all those pumps - all the complications - and now, mostly pain free. What pain he does have is entirely bearable and if it jumps, he should be able to correct it with the new controller or oral meds. The stimulator still isn't "on" but the muscle spasms stopped when he manhandled the wood splitter back into the barn a few months ago.

Yesterday, he even went up to the shop (my side by side is a godsend) and futzed around cleaning up an old military issued knife - and out of my sight, ahem, shifted some of his tools/junk around to make some room. This is a whole new universe! Now we'll see what else changes for him, us, in general.

Fingers crossed, the quality control on this pump is better than the others he's had from this company - so it lasts the full life cycle. We have followup appt with doc tomorrow. Who will want him to stay "light duty" for another month at LEAST. And I know he's his own worst enemy, if he starts feeling indestructible again.

------

The rain has finally stopped. I put a few raspberries in the ground a couple days ago. Have rose rugosas ordered that should be here soon. Planting sort of a food/medicine hedge around the herb area. Or building a witchy, fire centered magic circle - whichever way it's perceived. The calendula are blooming this year! Some of the herbs are ready to harvest already... some are struggling... so more topsoil, compost, sun & water adjusting to do. I'll be working with rocks again, building "beds". And the "catch up" after 5" of rain is going to take all week!! Grass is a foot high in front of the house. The porch needs a serious deep clean after the pollen/bugs/cat hair/wood "dirt" is removed. Temperature is conducive to outside work - and the bite-y bugs haven't emerged. I'm glad I decided to forego veggies this year, but we still need to maintain that plot. Another week, and I'll put tilling it on B's honey-do list. Then I'll evaluate what kind of tree work he can do, if there are no negative consequences from bouncing around with the tiller. Which will make him happy.