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« Last post by lighter on January 11, 2026, 11:34:18 AM »
So..... dopamine. What creates in. What doesn't. Habits. Motivation. Others. Self. Doing. Giving. Receiving. Being still. Escaping. Time enough. Not enough time. Just enough time.
The gut punch of a cancer dx.......a mate's, a parent's, then a child's (not in the family,) but close enough. We were responsible for the entire family....newly arrived immigrants. Truthfully, the child's dx was the only one I lost my senses over. Everything would stop, if he didn't survive.....my Nervous System didn't have any answers to plug in. I felt like Souron's eye, before it exploded....looking everywhere for answers that would not come.
Of course, the little chap survived after 3 years of the best care....free of charge.....the family fully supported....positive cash flow, in fact. All their energy went to coping with fear, and healing their youngest child /only son. Everything stopped for them, but Covid and chemo. The little guy's in HS now.....taller than his parents.....he wants the be pilot. His sisters graduated nursing school in the Philippines. All seems well in their world. I hardly ever hear from them now.....only from the daddy, when his car breaks down, or a toll bill from Toronto arrives. His English hasn't improved much, and I remain salty about his family refusing to speak English with him.....to help him improve. Oh well.
Oh well? Ya. Just that.
Oh.
Well.
Water under the bridge, but there's a hard but....a boundary....I won't deal with his wife. My reasons are my own, and are enough..... I'm sure I listed them on the board. The husband understands, and that's enough.
Looking back, I see a thready line of boundaries, developing into secure walls, sans confusion. Even in the face of misogynistic ridicule, and shaming/disdainful pressure to continue caretaking/doing the work others must now do... I'm never going back, bc that time's passed. Something clicked....however out of character it seems to everyone around me.... it's done.
Being nice isn't an option any more, and it feeeeeeels villainous....but it's just steady, appropriate boundaries held without bobbles.
Revelation.
Freedom from generational, and sexist expectations....women will always perform free labor of caretaking everyone....even those kicking them in the teeth (fig.).
Nope.
And so.....dopamine. Doing. Giving. Receiving.
Being still....escaping....discerning.
Lighter
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If anything it helps with the having more meta-cognition.