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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by Meh on March 14, 2026, 03:40:07 PM »
If you'd like more information, or insights, on my perspectives on healing....just ask.
Lighter
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by Meh on March 14, 2026, 03:37:39 PM »Momentum is a strange thing. Once moving, it develops a life of it's own.
This is a fact.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by Meh on March 14, 2026, 03:35:45 PM »Talking about your childhood won't fix the fact that your prefrontal cortex is being bathed in cortisol & damaging brain tissue.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by lighter on March 14, 2026, 02:05:13 PM »You seem ready to process, and heal your trauma, Meh. I'm glad you're actively seeking a therapist to facilitate.
If you'd like more information, or insights, on my perspectives on healing....just ask.
I don't want to slow your flow, of noticing what's there.....behind your discomfort.
The discomfort is just a messenger, IME.....asking for attention.
Resisting, what's there, typically is the root of my suffering....once I turn to face it. Even though I know this, it's still exhausting and confusing to sort, as you're doing. Better with a guide/therapist.
Lighter
If you'd like more information, or insights, on my perspectives on healing....just ask.
I don't want to slow your flow, of noticing what's there.....behind your discomfort.
The discomfort is just a messenger, IME.....asking for attention.
Resisting, what's there, typically is the root of my suffering....once I turn to face it. Even though I know this, it's still exhausting and confusing to sort, as you're doing. Better with a guide/therapist.
Lighter
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 14, 2026, 09:12:13 AM »Meh, your description of yourself as "stuck", struck a bell for me. Along with being "tired".
You're correct, that CoNs know that their survival depends on being quiet, not telegraphing emotion, or giving the N any reason to target oneself for criticism or anything else. Sometimes it happens while practicing that a LOT, like all the time, that one "hides" one's internal world from oneself even - in the fear, that it'll be read on one's face. Ooops.... revealed!
I equated that with a wish to be invisible. LOL. But it was more like my personality, persona, ego, whatever you call it, had been only roughly sketched out - in my inner world. I'd never developed it into a refined finished drawing to present to the outside world. Logically, it follows (at least in my mind) that something that vague and ghostly didn't have a lot of preferences, didn't have much agency or autonomy... wasn't really REAL. It was an idea. And that sure as hell FELT stuck.
Trying to move out of that (and finish the drawing more completely) moved me into an experimental phase; trying things on for size, fit, feel - expression. It wasn't competitive; there wasn't any objective right or wrong (since society is always changing it's standards there) - it was just finding what was comfortable for me, that I felt good about. And I kept going.
Momentum is a strange thing. Once moving, it develops a life of it's own. The only hard part is overcoming the reason for inertia, in the first place. There can be a million different reasons for inertia - fear, resistence, lack of direction, lack of decision, procrastination (as if there is some magically blessed time to begin anything)... and if you're being as honest with yourself as it sounds to me, as you are... you'll figure it out. I got my own struggles with inertia. And knowing when it's my self telling me I NEED to rest or when it's something getting in my way. That I've been putting in my own way, because I internalized something unjust, judgemental, critical or cruel.
Yup; it's still there - but I'm making headway. Usually to do with pick 2-3 little things toward the task and making myself start - because it is something I WANT for myself. For me, it's the want that's the key to kickstarting that momentum. You might find something else that does it for you.
Good luck! (oh - and it helps if you accept any babystep successes at first and don't beat yourself up if you fail to meet a goal the first time)
You're correct, that CoNs know that their survival depends on being quiet, not telegraphing emotion, or giving the N any reason to target oneself for criticism or anything else. Sometimes it happens while practicing that a LOT, like all the time, that one "hides" one's internal world from oneself even - in the fear, that it'll be read on one's face. Ooops.... revealed!
I equated that with a wish to be invisible. LOL. But it was more like my personality, persona, ego, whatever you call it, had been only roughly sketched out - in my inner world. I'd never developed it into a refined finished drawing to present to the outside world. Logically, it follows (at least in my mind) that something that vague and ghostly didn't have a lot of preferences, didn't have much agency or autonomy... wasn't really REAL. It was an idea. And that sure as hell FELT stuck.
Trying to move out of that (and finish the drawing more completely) moved me into an experimental phase; trying things on for size, fit, feel - expression. It wasn't competitive; there wasn't any objective right or wrong (since society is always changing it's standards there) - it was just finding what was comfortable for me, that I felt good about. And I kept going.
Momentum is a strange thing. Once moving, it develops a life of it's own. The only hard part is overcoming the reason for inertia, in the first place. There can be a million different reasons for inertia - fear, resistence, lack of direction, lack of decision, procrastination (as if there is some magically blessed time to begin anything)... and if you're being as honest with yourself as it sounds to me, as you are... you'll figure it out. I got my own struggles with inertia. And knowing when it's my self telling me I NEED to rest or when it's something getting in my way. That I've been putting in my own way, because I internalized something unjust, judgemental, critical or cruel.
Yup; it's still there - but I'm making headway. Usually to do with pick 2-3 little things toward the task and making myself start - because it is something I WANT for myself. For me, it's the want that's the key to kickstarting that momentum. You might find something else that does it for you.
Good luck! (oh - and it helps if you accept any babystep successes at first and don't beat yourself up if you fail to meet a goal the first time)
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by Meh on March 14, 2026, 02:32:09 AM »When you are a child of narcissists, your internal world is unsafe to express out loud.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by Meh on March 13, 2026, 05:27:28 PM »"To a narcissist, a reality check is an act of war."
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by Meh on March 13, 2026, 03:37:37 PM »- I will probably come back to this and edit it.
1) Yesterday I called my crap health insurance and asked for some phone numbers to try to make appt to see a therapist. One of the phone numbers they gave me is for a male out of state which is not what I was looking for. One of the phone numbers they gave me was incorrect. One of the phone numbers they gave me was for a place that has over a month waiting list to get in and that is not for a therapy appoint it's to establish care with a PCP which is not really what I want to do. So today no progress on that. People always say "just go see a therapist." Sinking too much energy into the frustration is somewhat not going to help me but also I kinda have to go through this stupid process.
The incorrect phone number I did get the correct phone number and then I left a message yesterday and never heard back and then I left a message again today and never heard back. I guess these are small businesses not a large business. I miss having good insurance which I haven't had for a long long time. In the past I would call and someone would answer right away and I could get an appointment in maybe two weeks.
2) Time online. Sometimes something useful comes out of it sometimes not.
3) Christian Realism -- I've been interested in it this week although I am deeply an atheist. Perhaps it's just the realism part that appeals to me.
4) Loneliness - I was reflecting on how when people use the word lonely it can mean more than ten things.
5) Unwellness - thinking about how emotional unwellness can feel like a gross subtle feeling not necessarily in the stomach but also like someone has the flu and is weak and wants to puke. I don't have a term for this feeling and "disturbed" is too vague and too stigma.
6) I'm really freaking tired.
7) My hair is wet and when it's dry I am going out today. And it's snowing. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.
Online resources (I'm not referencing voicelessness here) - there are online communities related to mental health stuff and I find that sometimes the distraction feels a) useful psychologically but also b) a time waste and c) an addiction - it amazes how many people get online and all they say over and over is "I'm bored." -- I'm not bored. I feel stuck. Maybe I am stuck maybe it's not a sensation.
9) tired
10) tired
11) tired
blah blah blah...
Maybe it looks like I am complaining but I can't manage my thoughts. If things bounce around in my synaptic nerves I can't deal with it. I need to write it out. I need to look at it. I need to see it and reflect what is important here. What is not important. The (5) unwellness feeling is speaking to me.
I'm not hungry. I am still going to put food in me and drink more water. And get ready slowly go do departure mode aka packing crap up so I can go out the door.
I made it outside and.
And... what I will add here is that I was reading how covert-collapsed narcissism does have an element that goes along with it of paranoia. And I think I've had a bit of an ahha moment with this. Rarely but occasionally I guess one gets a weird window into the narcissist... and a couple times when we are outside/outdoors in public.. the narcissist said some really strange things both times. One time they acted like it was a joke but they were starting to talk weird about like undercover FBI agent type stuff. Also the other time the narcissist sorta zoned in on a random guy who was waiting for a woman but the random guy was standing on the sidewalk. It was daylight. There was really nothing sketchy about it at all but the narcissist was creepy-obsessed with this guy all of a sudden becausee the narcissist "didn't like the guy" or whatever and it was just the weirdest thing to me. Like there is no drug dealing going on, there is no car theft happening it's very public, there was no REAL reality legit reason for the N to focus on this guy in such a strange paranoid way.
The ah-ha moment I have had is how really REALLY sick narcissists actually are. Demented. Very weird inside their own minds. And I think this is part of the reason why I am just so uncomfortable being around N. Also there is the forced-engagement over fake pretenses. There are the stupid unwanted "gifts" which are actually demands for attention. There is the very angry lashing out at a person for very pathetic petty basic things etc. I've been monitored by a paranoid covert narcissist for a massive portion of my upbringing.. and it makes sense I think to me that someone as a young person would be maybe "unformed" personality wise or psychologically OR have some emotional regulation issues at times maybe. I am tired. I do not know. The paranoia that a covert narcissist has is just so freaking weird.
1) Yesterday I called my crap health insurance and asked for some phone numbers to try to make appt to see a therapist. One of the phone numbers they gave me is for a male out of state which is not what I was looking for. One of the phone numbers they gave me was incorrect. One of the phone numbers they gave me was for a place that has over a month waiting list to get in and that is not for a therapy appoint it's to establish care with a PCP which is not really what I want to do. So today no progress on that. People always say "just go see a therapist." Sinking too much energy into the frustration is somewhat not going to help me but also I kinda have to go through this stupid process.
The incorrect phone number I did get the correct phone number and then I left a message yesterday and never heard back and then I left a message again today and never heard back. I guess these are small businesses not a large business. I miss having good insurance which I haven't had for a long long time. In the past I would call and someone would answer right away and I could get an appointment in maybe two weeks.
2) Time online. Sometimes something useful comes out of it sometimes not.
3) Christian Realism -- I've been interested in it this week although I am deeply an atheist. Perhaps it's just the realism part that appeals to me.
4) Loneliness - I was reflecting on how when people use the word lonely it can mean more than ten things.
5) Unwellness - thinking about how emotional unwellness can feel like a gross subtle feeling not necessarily in the stomach but also like someone has the flu and is weak and wants to puke. I don't have a term for this feeling and "disturbed" is too vague and too stigma.
6) I'm really freaking tired.
7) My hair is wet and when it's dry I am going out today. And it's snowing. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.
Online resources (I'm not referencing voicelessness here) - there are online communities related to mental health stuff and I find that sometimes the distraction feels a) useful psychologically but also b) a time waste and c) an addiction - it amazes how many people get online and all they say over and over is "I'm bored." -- I'm not bored. I feel stuck. Maybe I am stuck maybe it's not a sensation. 9) tired
10) tired
11) tired
blah blah blah...
Maybe it looks like I am complaining but I can't manage my thoughts. If things bounce around in my synaptic nerves I can't deal with it. I need to write it out. I need to look at it. I need to see it and reflect what is important here. What is not important. The (5) unwellness feeling is speaking to me.
I'm not hungry. I am still going to put food in me and drink more water. And get ready slowly go do departure mode aka packing crap up so I can go out the door.
I made it outside and.
And... what I will add here is that I was reading how covert-collapsed narcissism does have an element that goes along with it of paranoia. And I think I've had a bit of an ahha moment with this. Rarely but occasionally I guess one gets a weird window into the narcissist... and a couple times when we are outside/outdoors in public.. the narcissist said some really strange things both times. One time they acted like it was a joke but they were starting to talk weird about like undercover FBI agent type stuff. Also the other time the narcissist sorta zoned in on a random guy who was waiting for a woman but the random guy was standing on the sidewalk. It was daylight. There was really nothing sketchy about it at all but the narcissist was creepy-obsessed with this guy all of a sudden becausee the narcissist "didn't like the guy" or whatever and it was just the weirdest thing to me. Like there is no drug dealing going on, there is no car theft happening it's very public, there was no REAL reality legit reason for the N to focus on this guy in such a strange paranoid way.
The ah-ha moment I have had is how really REALLY sick narcissists actually are. Demented. Very weird inside their own minds. And I think this is part of the reason why I am just so uncomfortable being around N. Also there is the forced-engagement over fake pretenses. There are the stupid unwanted "gifts" which are actually demands for attention. There is the very angry lashing out at a person for very pathetic petty basic things etc. I've been monitored by a paranoid covert narcissist for a massive portion of my upbringing.. and it makes sense I think to me that someone as a young person would be maybe "unformed" personality wise or psychologically OR have some emotional regulation issues at times maybe. I am tired. I do not know. The paranoia that a covert narcissist has is just so freaking weird.
9
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad
« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 09, 2026, 10:08:49 AM »The procrastination energy is one I fight too. In my case, it's a form of resistance - a mutated form. Born of the over-responsibility required for first, survival and later for "approval". It's the little Amber with hands on hips, in battle stance, saying "you can't make me!" The analytical brain makes the excuse, that hey - look how long I've worked hard and it's time for me to relax & enjoy!
LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL
Like I've observed before, I'm high maintenance for me. I'm using a different strategy to short-circuit all of that now. I just do a couple little things at a time (while focusing on one particular project) just to get the machinery of "doing" greased and running smoothly. Once it's all up and running, then I'll run on momentum for a good while. This year, it's happening with the garden. And I'm still waiting to see what's stuck and needs lubricating.
LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL
Like I've observed before, I'm high maintenance for me. I'm using a different strategy to short-circuit all of that now. I just do a couple little things at a time (while focusing on one particular project) just to get the machinery of "doing" greased and running smoothly. Once it's all up and running, then I'll run on momentum for a good while. This year, it's happening with the garden. And I'm still waiting to see what's stuck and needs lubricating.
10
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad
« Last post by Hopalong on March 08, 2026, 05:19:42 PM »Love the wisdom of not "starting a story," Lighter. Thanks for that. As if I haven't been telling the Poet story nonstop for quite a while! But I can see the sky through your associating clarity with not doing the story. Clarity is peace, innit? A bit of blue opens up.
Won't have any iris news for a while, as Abdalla is very worried about his family members trapped in the war in the ME. (He's Somalian but his wife is from the ME, I understand.) His texts are blowing up with their fear and entrapment. How awful. He assures me he'll get to me, and I trust that.
My friend who's offered the irises will dig them up anyway, as rhizomes can last a long time in a box. These are lightish pinks and yellows. In the front yard I've got mostly white, with clusters of purples and an unusual, beautiful bronze that came from dividing I did a long time ago with a church-garden friend. I'm happy to just have irises of any color at all, as my artist ex convinced me that nature loves color wherever/how it happens, not always scripted or controlled.
Amber, I'll always be grateful for your analytical mind chiming in, and that was a great piece of perspective. Yup, gotta center my own feelings lately, to make headway.
I'm struggling with spring lethargy, mindful its nasty cousin could become depression. So getting into motion to accomplish the basics, the very basics of home hygiene, is a very embarrassing mountain to start climbing. But I gotta.
hugs
Hops
Won't have any iris news for a while, as Abdalla is very worried about his family members trapped in the war in the ME. (He's Somalian but his wife is from the ME, I understand.) His texts are blowing up with their fear and entrapment. How awful. He assures me he'll get to me, and I trust that.
My friend who's offered the irises will dig them up anyway, as rhizomes can last a long time in a box. These are lightish pinks and yellows. In the front yard I've got mostly white, with clusters of purples and an unusual, beautiful bronze that came from dividing I did a long time ago with a church-garden friend. I'm happy to just have irises of any color at all, as my artist ex convinced me that nature loves color wherever/how it happens, not always scripted or controlled.
Amber, I'll always be grateful for your analytical mind chiming in, and that was a great piece of perspective. Yup, gotta center my own feelings lately, to make headway.
I'm struggling with spring lethargy, mindful its nasty cousin could become depression. So getting into motion to accomplish the basics, the very basics of home hygiene, is a very embarrassing mountain to start climbing. But I gotta.
hugs
Hops