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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad
« Last post by Hopalong on Today at 06:50:51 PM »Well, no surprise, but there was another meltdown with Poet. Less intense than the last one, but same problem.
We'e both in the same online monthly poetry workshop (good poets who generally give really helpful feedback). I'm very grateful for the group which, at present, is my main connection with other poets in the area (plus Poet, from Michigan). And it was Poet who introduced me and encouraged the group to add me in. I'm grateful for that recommendation and well bonded.
BUT...she's taken a seething dislike to the group leader because the leader sounds very authoritative when she critiques, and sometimes misses the mark. And Poet is very thin-skinned about criticism, and takes it very personally. She feels judged by leader's blunt feedback. I don't, because I know the leader is half crazy and half visionary, and I find her work very interesting. I also like her, even when we disagree. She does a LOT of work to set up each meeting. The group is really important to me, friendships form and there's a general thread going on in which participants are loving and supportive of each other. We worry about an elder member whose wife is withering from dementia, and rejoice loudly for our youngest member, a lovely fellow pursuing a Master's in Poetry, etc.
Long story a bit shorter, after last night's meeting Poet sent me a rain of texts, calling the leader (once a friend of hers, I thought) a bitch, arrogant, annoying, and such a victim all the time. (She writes about her severe abuse as a child which gave her an ED and made her nuts.) Poet: "F-her, I hate her, I can't stand her and am not coming back." I DID NOT WANT TO BE THE RECEPTACLE.
After that she called and dumped more bile. I listened as best I could and resisted or counter-thoughted (new word!) a few very gentle times, and then she turned her anger on me. Same old stuff, a few lacerating personal criticisms, etc. And THEN she told me, do not write to me about this. (The letter I'd sent her after her visit here had really upset her and pissed her off, but we'd regained a form of friendliness, with less-frequent contact.)
I sat with that and realized I'd been ordered not to speak. I stewed a bit and then thought, hell with that, I get to speak up if I need to. So I wrote her a diluted email expressing how I felt, and the only thing that would trigger her that I said was: "I felt like there were little hate-geysers coming in texts and next, into my ear." I know, I know, that was a rough one. All the rest was grateful and kind, etc.
Then I expressed how much the group meant to me and how grateful I've been for that connection she facilitated years back. Said supportive and admiring (required!) things about how well she's done in establishing herself as a writer where she lives now. All true.
But I can share with y'all that I've just realized when she isn't the Queen Bee, she ain't happy. And that her verbal sophistication can be used for good and creativity, and also to put down and hurt people.
I'm nine toes out. And it's okay. If she ignores my message and I get The Silence, I think that's my final indicator that there's no rebuilding this relationship. Reality wins, and it's good that I don't feel too awful. Sad about it, but not crushed. I just don't WANNA deal with her unprocessed rage, because of her just turning to the nearest target. This was mild compared to past explosions, but the same pattern of projecting and displacing is unchanged.
So that's the latest. I know it's tedious to hear the same, same, same thing....apologies, but thanks for reading anyway. I have a new dent in my codependency tendency, a good thing.
hugs
Hops
We'e both in the same online monthly poetry workshop (good poets who generally give really helpful feedback). I'm very grateful for the group which, at present, is my main connection with other poets in the area (plus Poet, from Michigan). And it was Poet who introduced me and encouraged the group to add me in. I'm grateful for that recommendation and well bonded.
BUT...she's taken a seething dislike to the group leader because the leader sounds very authoritative when she critiques, and sometimes misses the mark. And Poet is very thin-skinned about criticism, and takes it very personally. She feels judged by leader's blunt feedback. I don't, because I know the leader is half crazy and half visionary, and I find her work very interesting. I also like her, even when we disagree. She does a LOT of work to set up each meeting. The group is really important to me, friendships form and there's a general thread going on in which participants are loving and supportive of each other. We worry about an elder member whose wife is withering from dementia, and rejoice loudly for our youngest member, a lovely fellow pursuing a Master's in Poetry, etc.
Long story a bit shorter, after last night's meeting Poet sent me a rain of texts, calling the leader (once a friend of hers, I thought) a bitch, arrogant, annoying, and such a victim all the time. (She writes about her severe abuse as a child which gave her an ED and made her nuts.) Poet: "F-her, I hate her, I can't stand her and am not coming back." I DID NOT WANT TO BE THE RECEPTACLE.
After that she called and dumped more bile. I listened as best I could and resisted or counter-thoughted (new word!) a few very gentle times, and then she turned her anger on me. Same old stuff, a few lacerating personal criticisms, etc. And THEN she told me, do not write to me about this. (The letter I'd sent her after her visit here had really upset her and pissed her off, but we'd regained a form of friendliness, with less-frequent contact.)
I sat with that and realized I'd been ordered not to speak. I stewed a bit and then thought, hell with that, I get to speak up if I need to. So I wrote her a diluted email expressing how I felt, and the only thing that would trigger her that I said was: "I felt like there were little hate-geysers coming in texts and next, into my ear." I know, I know, that was a rough one. All the rest was grateful and kind, etc.
Then I expressed how much the group meant to me and how grateful I've been for that connection she facilitated years back. Said supportive and admiring (required!) things about how well she's done in establishing herself as a writer where she lives now. All true.
But I can share with y'all that I've just realized when she isn't the Queen Bee, she ain't happy. And that her verbal sophistication can be used for good and creativity, and also to put down and hurt people.
I'm nine toes out. And it's okay. If she ignores my message and I get The Silence, I think that's my final indicator that there's no rebuilding this relationship. Reality wins, and it's good that I don't feel too awful. Sad about it, but not crushed. I just don't WANNA deal with her unprocessed rage, because of her just turning to the nearest target. This was mild compared to past explosions, but the same pattern of projecting and displacing is unchanged.
So that's the latest. I know it's tedious to hear the same, same, same thing....apologies, but thanks for reading anyway. I have a new dent in my codependency tendency, a good thing.
hugs
Hops
