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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by lighter on April 08, 2026, 07:11:37 PM »

It'll b so nice to have the floor done, Hops!

I'm glad it feels exciting to get things done.  The cabinet sounds lovely, but cleaning it out sounds better!

Lighter 

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by lighter on April 08, 2026, 07:07:19 PM »

Meh.....masking/pretending to be something one isn't....burns energy.  Being ashamed takes energy, time, and creativity, IME.

My therapist asked me to drop ALL judgement.  I had no idea how integral it is to healing, but mostly it's about not turning on myself....not abandoning myself.

It's about seeing, what's really there, with clarity.

I hope you can relax.....let go, and speak your truth without editing yourself.

I hope your T is authentic, grounded and able to hear you, without ego.  There's no perfect anything, IME.

One strives to get the best from others, learns from bobbles/ mistakes, and corrects as they go.

  This T might not be everything you need them to be, but they might be enough for now.

If you're looking for possible goals, for a list..... can consider:
Learning to engage Parasympathetic Nervous System.

Expanding window of tolerance for discomfort.

Ability to calm anxiety when in public/groups.

About the N you're feeding ...... it's not your job to feed them.

Provide food, allow them to o eat what they'll eat, without feeling you have to control intake and amounts, bc you absolutely cannot, IME.

If they eat more or less.....and your worry doesn't change anything ....maybe putting the worry down is the exact right choice for you?

It's ok to make peace with things you can't change.

  In fact....
 it's healthy self-care ....
not selfishness, IME.

I'm looking forward to reading about your next T appt, Meh.  You did good.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by Hopalong on April 08, 2026, 04:55:32 PM »

I've been hijacking thread topics right and left, sorry, so thought I'd respond to your last post on Friendship Moments thread here instead:

I Googled "best native tree species for steep rocky soil in [your state]. Fun! Then I thought, if anybody's ever done this type of search Amber did it years ago. LOL.

Otherwise, your gardens sound so appetizing, though my next suggestion wouldn't perhaps quite suit that theme: ever thought of safe composting of humanure from composting toilets? I'm a sustainability nerd even though I can't do much of anything interesting because of my back, and it fascinates me because of global ecological implications. It CAN be safely processed in a separate compost set of bins and damn, maybe those hungry gardens would go nuts with that kind of nourishment? After two years of proper composting, it's as safe as any other compost and dramatically more powerful for soil.

[NO offense will be taken should this inspire a recoiling smackdown....lol.]

On the home front, my miracle helper came for an hour today to help (well, to DO nearly all of it) a big unload of the glass-door kitchen floor cabinet my grandfather made around 1900. She stacked all the contents on the big teak table in the back room (otherwise known as the laundry sorting precinct) so the installers can move the cabinet back there while they work on the new floor.

So tomorrow Pup and I vacate the premises at the crack of dawn (845am) and he gets dropped at the play camp and dog spa place for all day or until they're done. I will be wandering like a homeless wraith from friend to friend and will need two heating pads when I get home. BUT THE WILD MARMOLEUM WILL BE THERE! I'm very excited about it. It was a forced renovation but gives me a chance to re-experience a home improvement to my quirky heart's content.

Back to dreaming of Amber's gardens. I could take a road trip and come poo in them if you'd like, just to show how it's done. Oh har har. Hops is losing it.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Hopalong on April 08, 2026, 02:47:44 PM »

Congratulations, Meh. I think you've taken a very important step. (I wrote you a big post but couldn't post it.)

I remember. You'd asked what to focus on and I had a bunch of suggestions: yes to negativity volume, depression, and sharing just how much research and reading you've done as you focused on Nism. One thing I resisted most with a previous (excellent) T was when I'd go and THIS is N right and THIS is N right?

He would kind of "bat" the N label aside as helpful but not important which often freaked me out a little, and guide me into examining my own pain, disappointment and damage or reflexes that resulted from my mother (and others) having that personality disorder. But the reason MY butt was in the chair was really to examine myself and different things I could choose or try in order to heal from the pain of it all.

I feel so hopeful for you. You deserve to give therapy a chance to help.
There's almost nothing in my life I'm more grateful than the chances to heal myself that therapy helped me discover. (And about the temptation to spend the first year picking apart everything the T said, forgot to say, or said because they weren't perfectly insightful or had a tone-deaf moment. Been there, done that and got the Tshirt.)

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 08, 2026, 08:20:07 AM »

I don't have many cedars around. There are young redbuds down to the Hut, but I seem to have very few up here on the cliff. It's too rocky I think. But I do have witchazel - IF they survived the winter. And have started some American Elder, for berries to make syrup from. We're going to plant those this spring.. they're in a "holding bed" right now... I'm starting a couple non-traditional (ie herby) hedgerows where the grass doesn't grow - it's all weeds and tree stumps. Making green "outdoor rooms". Witchy circles around my house and fire pit.

Some things just don't grow here. Some things will struggle - my grosso lavender, for instance. It's due to the fact that topsoil is very thin here. I've been trying to add topsoil/compost to every new "bed" I make between boulders. And this year, I need to top dress with compost. The yarrow I started last year is doing well; St. John's Wort; Valerian, Wormwood. My horehound and hyssop don't like where they are. And I'm worried about the comfrey. Anyone want some lamb's ear?? I have it coming out my ears!! (note to self - maybe move it into the path of the hedgerow with the lilacs and elders and if I get them ordered - rosa rugosa.

Potatoes might could go in this weekend in veggie bed. It was 19 degrees last night and the kitty's water bowl froze. Maybe some spinach in the close raised bed. Then it's on to seeds.

B leaves the 21st to come home and get his pre-surgery tests done. Plenty of time for garden tilling.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 08, 2026, 08:01:18 AM »

Meh, of course you're tired! This kind of work takes a lot of energy - and it's a different kind of energy than what got used when developing your current coping-with-Ns strategy.

Getting some distance from Nism is always step one. It gives a person a chance to relax, which allows seeing different things; thinking different things. Start taking care of yourself - which may feel "fake" along with "who you are" in social/work interactions. (I know work for me, always seemed like a different hat I was wearing, role I was assuming - but in the end, it is one of the "skills" I can wield.)

Therapy seems to work very slowly in the beginning. You do have to give it a fair chance. Best of luck!

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Meh on April 07, 2026, 11:34:44 PM »

Rarely see redbuds here on west coast. Have seen them and wondered what they are because interesting. There are a very very few like one or two. Apparently they don't like the type of cold and wet here.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on April 07, 2026, 11:30:08 PM »

-- I talked to the person and it went okay. I do wish I was near enough to the person that it could be an in-person counseling session.

-- Had anticipated talking to this therapist person so much that I kept stressing about it as if the perfect magical words could unlock the right therapy.

-- I am tired tonight.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on April 07, 2026, 03:21:08 PM »

- It feels like a can of worms.
- Like everything is a "trauma response" --- confusion is a "trauma response" to cognitive dissonance etc.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on April 07, 2026, 03:15:41 PM »

Today I have a pre-phone appointment to talk to a therapist who specializes in narcissism.

They want to know what my goals are I think.

- I know working on awareness about personal agency is one of them
- I know that I want to be more aware about the things I can do to be like "higher-functioning" whatever that means
- I know like larger goals are quality of life though I feel I can only work on small goals right now
- I have social anxiety which I am ashamed of
- Sometimes I get stuck and I don't make decisions fast enough and it because a self-sabotage maybe
- Life kind of demands constant pivots and big decisions and I just feel like I can only manage small things
- I do not know if I am being REAL in life or if I am sticking a lot of energy into being fake -- and maybe I just feel this way because last job was high-customer contact and one IS EXPECTED to put on a shell-face.
- Oh the GAD
- The possible ADD
- The big bugaboo -- the covert N has never been diagnosed with Covert N -- I am the only witness in the family -- brother dead and nobody else cares -- The Covert N is basically now starving themselves to death. I have been shoving plates of food into their gross claw hands without making eye contact or saying anything -- they are so pathetic.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

??? 

What are your opinions?  -- What should I talk to the therapist about.
- my rumination....
- my negativity?  -- criticism --

I don't know honestly I think the big things for me are -- agency and learning how to build a 3-D group of friends and support etc.