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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on Today at 02:02:44 AM »

"Help-Rejecting Complainer" (HRC), a term popularized by George Vaillant as a "polite" way to describe a specific defense mechanism. When paired with Covert Narcissism, it creates a cycle where the person seeks attention through distress but rejects every solution to maintain their "victim" status.


1. Help-Rejecting Complaining (HRC)
This is classified as a maladaptive defense mechanism. The individual deals with emotional conflict by complaining or making repetitious requests for help that disguise covert feelings of hostility or resentment toward others.

Psychology Today | The Help-Rejecting Complainer: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-creativity-cure/201402/the-help-rejecting-complainer


The "Help-Rejecting" & Narcissism Connection --???
In clinical literature, this is often linked to "Splitting" or "Projective Identification." By rejecting help, the narcissist proves that "no one understands them" or "no one can truly help," which reinforces their sense of unique, tragic superiority.

George Vaillant’s "Adaptation to Life": This is the seminal book that categorizes HRC as a "Level II: Immature Defense."

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by Hopalong on April 02, 2026, 12:13:46 PM »

It probably looks like the inside of my mind, too. LOL.

Apart from the visual drama, for me the best thing about it is that it's NOT vinyl and does not off-gas toxic forever carcinogenic chemicals. I can't stand the new-shower-curtain smell of them and did so much research on it in a former job that I will squeeze my savings to use natural or zero-VOC materials when I can. If my kitchen weren't so small it would be out of reach. The cork nearly was when I first got my house fixed up but I loved it. Just not practical for anywhere that could spring a water leak.

I'm happy that my biggest room still has the cork underfoot. I didn't get any pattern with that, just the natural color that includes sliced recycled wine corks. It's pretty!

I can obsess over pretty simple things. The wheelbarrow awaits me outside, for its crazy unplanned load of annuals. That brought me joy every time I looked at it, and my yard guy enjoyed being told to "create anything, any mix--just enjoy stuffing it with flowers."

I think I'm just feeling happy today. Lighter (no pun intended!) and feeling hope about the decluttering and more. Leading covenant group tonight, which I always enjoy. Here's my outline, Lighter:

TOPIC: Where do you “go” when you’re scared?
If anybody’s not scared during this time in history, I’d love to have a beer with you. My treat! Most of us are feeling the varied attacks on democracy and humanity these days, OR may live with personal challenges that require dealing with fear. Yet for each of us, there might be individual sources of courage and inner peace. Let’s talk about them.

Questions to Ponder:
1-Do you have a consistent source of comfort? If Yes, what is it?
2-Who in your life has demonstrated notable courage? Has anyone inspired you?
3-If you were advising a child or young person how to cope today, what would you tell them?

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on April 02, 2026, 11:56:17 AM »

Well, I kept trying to pin the label on myself and several therapists told me to cut it out, I'm NOT a narcissist. I'm lots of other fun things: codependent, highly sensitive, bigly ADHD, and anxious. Also creative, quirky and open. Way healthier now.

(I was just terrified when I learned about what Nism was about 20 years ago -- it's why I came here -- and had all those realizations about my mother and brother, that I was obsessed with the subject for a long time. I saw Ns behind every bush and kept diving into their orbits, like with boyfriend M and perhaps Poet too...and my child). I realized I'd been groomed to feel familiar if not comfortable in that position. Nobody "planned" it for me and I'm not a victim any more. It was just where nature and history put everybody, I guess. But I think I'll always need to be cautious and learn to put trust and vulnerability only in kind hands.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on April 02, 2026, 11:43:00 AM »

It's okay, there's loads of love in the universe. I think it's like the northern lights.
And although sometimes sincere, I think in my amaaaazing HINDsight that Poet's love has been more often a function of trying to maneuver everyone to get what she wants/needs from them. Not suggesting bad intent, just...unawareness.

A very understandable behavior for her to have acquired, given her childhood. I think she's been desperate for attention ever since. I was happy to give it for a long time.

I did a home test for apnea last night. Pup was very intrigued by all the stuff. It was tedious but I sure hope it worked. I don't want and wouldn't wear a standard C-pap but they make much simpler "nasal pillow" ones. Who knows. The only benefit of better diagnosis is awareness and, in case I decide to do it again, insurance coverage for GFP-1s. Which I'm not sure I want to take again anyway. Better sleep would be amazing enough.

My dear UU friend whom I spend a couple hours with a couple times a month has been in the hospital with blood clots in her lungs. I'm worried. It's the chapter we're in and the women in my covenant group have similar things on their minds. One lost a leg, one is going blind, one has incredible skeletal pain daily. I admire every single one of them.

I'm sure y'all have heard of "organ recitals?" Old joke about what old people talk about.

hugs,
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by Meh on April 01, 2026, 08:26:29 PM »

That marmoleum looks like flowing molten lava. Must be a very lively place.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on April 01, 2026, 06:01:03 PM »

Some of what you posted made me start another little cycle of worrying I might be an N, or N-ish. I think of it as behaviors rather than branding but scary stuff. Mainly around the why-don't-I-do-home-tasks-like-I-should. It really is mainly about my back though. Nothing superior about all that. I'm nibbling at it. TONS of shame attached.

Well If I were labeled as having a personality disorder I think I could accept it if it made sense to me. I think I would rather know.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on April 01, 2026, 04:35:33 PM »

Too bad you can't sop up the Poet's love bombs, then go on about your boundary business, Hops.

You dang sure earned those bombs 😜

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on April 01, 2026, 11:22:39 AM »

And had a good long chat with Abdalla, who is NOT Somali, but Sudanese. His in-laws were war refugees from Sudan to the UAE, and have now made it to Oman. The plan is for them to return to Sudan where one of the relatives has a house big enough to take in all four of them. At least until the ME war is over.

Hard to justify obsessing over marmoleum when he's been obsessing over family avoiding bombs. Perhaps he's the oldest son and feels responsible for everyone. Seems that way.

He also mentioned that this winter nearly wiped out the grounds dept, at the Univ where he works FT. They shoveled snow and broke up ice until exhaustion for days.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on April 01, 2026, 11:16:44 AM »

So, this is not "news." Just reporting on a predictable step in the pattern, which I now realize is the "N pattern." A kind of "curtain call" if you've ever read Men Who Can't Love, which applies to any Nish person really.

After my brain circuit to Poet clicked off, no drama involved, she suddenly switched to "love bombing." I had just explained I needed to "let things rest" until she is in town in July, at which point we can check in to see if we'd both like to connect for coffee...I almost immediately got a gushy email about spring and love and friendship, urging me back into dialogue.

I just repeated that I need to let things rest. I feel clear that her radar went on because I was withdrawing the attention I'd dished out so reliably for so long. For once I knew what to do (calm but clear boundary, including for myself). We're just not in the same reality and she's dismissive and volatile, so I'm still out.

It's a little bit sad still, but not tragic. Releasing things to the universe is better practiced than preached about.

I think my new kitchen floor is a form of spiritual growth, SNORT....

Hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Predatory grooming

« Last post by lighter on April 01, 2026, 09:30:09 AM »

The link says page not available, Hops, but I have a positive ish update on this topic.

The GAL has withdrawn, after the Judge followed her recommendation to give unsupervised visitation to the dad, including Christmas out of the Country with him.

The child just reported grooming, and "much worse things" I didn't want to know, so the case seems back on track.....for the moment.....but only after sliding into the ditch.

There's another forensic examination involved, and a report to a teacher.

Terribleness....mixed with possible relief and healing.

On the other front......

My cousin's dd20 has been very quiet.....just reached out.....touches base, sans sharing much....mostly we discuss biochemistry, and how the brain and Nervous System go in and out of fight or flight.  It's quick .....and I know she's struggling. 

She did say all the books, I sent, arrived.  She's starting with Peace Is Every Step.

She's very bright......but, man......her daddy issues are..... terrifying.  I think she's been drinking with him, again.  I heard they were kicked out of a bar..... alcohol is poison for her, and it's all he wants to do.  He likes to get her drunk.

I thought she was ready to get a TRO against him, but she's..... unable to stay away from him, I guess? Maybe....there's a car crash and DUI involved?  Not sure if she was with him.

I can't say I understand it.  She's maybe too ashamed to talk about it. 

I will say this..... I try to see this without judgement....bc anger makes me dumb.

::thinking about her situation::.

He's weaponized her compassion.....and she's not built any defenses.  She doesn't know how.

Lighter