Recent Posts

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on Today at 11:22:39 AM »

And had a good long chat with Abdalla, who is NOT Somali, but Sudanese. His in-laws were war refugees from Sudan to the UAE, and have now made it to Oman. The plan is for them to return to Sudan where one of the relatives has a house big enough to take in all four of them. At least until the ME war is over.

Hard to justify obsessing over marmoleum when he's been obsessing over family avoiding bombs. Perhaps he's the oldest son and feels responsible for everyone. Seems that way.

He also mentioned that this winter nearly wiped out the grounds dept, at the Univ where he works FT. They shoveled snow and broke up ice until exhaustion for days.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on Today at 11:16:44 AM »

So, this is not "news." Just reporting on a predictable step in the pattern, which I now realize is the "N pattern." A kind of "curtain call" if you've ever read Men Who Can't Love, which applies to any Nish person really.

After my brain circuit to Poet clicked off, no drama involved, she suddenly switched to "love bombing." I had just explained I needed to "let things rest" until she is in town in July, at which point we can check in to see if we'd both like to connect for coffee...I almost immediately got a gushy email about spring and love and friendship, urging me back into dialogue.

I just repeated that I need to let things rest. I feel clear that her radar went on because I was withdrawing the attention I'd dished out so reliably for so long. For once I knew what to do (calm but clear boundary, including for myself). We're just not in the same reality and she's dismissive and volatile, so I'm still out.

It's a little bit sad still, but not tragic. Releasing things to the universe is better practiced than preached about.

I think my new kitchen floor is a form of spiritual growth, SNORT....

Hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Predatory grooming

« Last post by lighter on Today at 09:30:09 AM »

The link says page not available, Hops, but I have a positive ish update on this topic.

The GAL has withdrawn, after the Judge followed her recommendation to give unsupervised visitation to the dad, including Christmas out of the Country with him.

The child just reported grooming, and "much worse things" I didn't want to know, so the case seems back on track.....for the moment.....but only after sliding into the ditch.

There's another forensic examination involved, and a report to a teacher.

Terribleness....mixed with possible relief and healing.

On the other front......

My cousin's dd20 has been very quiet.....just reached out.....touches base, sans sharing much....mostly we discuss biochemistry, and how the brain and Nervous System go in and out of fight or flight.  It's quick .....and I know she's struggling. 

She did say all the books, I sent, arrived.  She's starting with Peace Is Every Step.

She's very bright......but, man......her daddy issues are..... terrifying.  I think she's been drinking with him, again.  I heard they were kicked out of a bar..... alcohol is poison for her, and it's all he wants to do.  He likes to get her drunk.

I thought she was ready to get a TRO against him, but she's..... unable to stay away from him, I guess? Maybe....there's a car crash and DUI involved?  Not sure if she was with him.

I can't say I understand it.  She's maybe too ashamed to talk about it. 

I will say this..... I try to see this without judgement....bc anger makes me dumb.

::thinking about her situation::.

He's weaponized her compassion.....and she's not built any defenses.  She doesn't know how.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by lighter on Today at 08:52:16 AM »

We're under a strict no burn fire hazard right now.  It's so dry....and it's been windy.  I heard a helicopter yesterday....maybe looking for fires.

The Dogwoods are blooming at the lake .....most of the new trees have been growing....have buds.

Seems the swamp Oaks aren't thriving......the River Birch and Redbuds are.

We're about to dive into Spring cleaning with two new housekeepers at the lake.  The mountain house is done.

I'm looking forward to garden reports, Amber.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on Today at 08:46:19 AM »

Meh....my two cents.  Good therapy can be different things to different people.

If you make and take that first phone call .... perhaps a second ....you might find a compassionate witness you click with.

Even if they're doing other work, not applicable to you...
connection and "good therapy" might somehow be possible, bc that therapist gets you.

Truth:  There are therapist doing more harm than good out there....in all walks of the field.

Other truth:  There are good therapists, doing good work, in all walks of the field..... social workers, psychologists, clergy....bartenders.  My point is....sometimes, unexpected people help us make connections, for reasons other than the school they attended, or the job they're paid to do.

Finding someone, you click with, is more about alchemy, their experience, interests, toolbox, our willingness to sit in discomfort and talk about discomfort and pain, IME.  I'm a blurted, btw.  I just hit the high spots, unredacted btw, and put a t all on the table.....how the T responds tells me a lot.  I want steady, all business, let's get down to processing trauma and learning how I can do it in my own.....I want zero ego....I want HUGE compassion, even though it makes me cry.  My youngest DD wants to banter ....she wants a sharp wit, and humor mixed into her sessions.....and she wants to be found funny.    Needless to say, my T has concerns about DD's current T, but there it is.

Discerning who's right,wrong, or somewhere in between can be mindfulness practice for you, should you choose to make the call.  You can notice what comes up, how it feels, where you feel it, what changes it, if it changes.....and ask questions you care about.  At least you'd know a bit more about what they u don't want, if it doesn't work out.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by sKePTiKal on Today at 08:37:37 AM »

I like that Hops! It's like molten copper & gold... or a mix of all the different daffodils. (Added bonus: spilled tomato sauce won't show... tee hee!)

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by Hopalong on March 31, 2026, 12:06:51 PM »

Sounds joyful! Wonder if Hol will love all that black. Bet she will. With enough light it can be gorgeous. But I couldn't, too thenthitive to rithk it.

SERVICEBERRY! That's the tree name I was floundering for. Thinking of replacing my mid-Atlantic fungus-doomed dogwood out front with one. Thank you. Fearful of the cost (why are "native trees" so much more expensive?). Another tree I've always yearned for since having one in the yard in London in full bloom...golden chain or laburnum. But that's not native, either. Sigh.

Well, here's the floor pattern -- feast yer eyes! LOL.
https://eco-buildingproducts.com/products/marmoleum-click-tile-and-panel-flooring?variant=49317094490418&country=US&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22929525334&gbraid=0AAAAAD4Hw7OILrio5VumDwUoO7pecI5FQ&gclid=Cj0KCQjw4a3OBhCHARIsAChaqJNx4_3HISjZTiyPEtr4OQylg1vxe6XpYDge27R83ntGP-vi0Q1a2nQaAsFbEALw_wcB

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on March 31, 2026, 11:48:48 AM »

FWIW (probably not much), about 50 years ago I was at a hospital ER in Louisville due to chest pain (panic attack, but who knows, maybe I also had the microvascular angina that early). Anyway, two psychiatry residents gently asked if I'd like to "spend the night" and I freaked, nooooooo thank you. First time I realized anxiety could be taken quite seriously or called something. I felt scared and relieved at the same time. They referred me to a hospital social worker (MSW) and I attended both her group therapy and individual sessions for a while. Her compassion and insight blew me away and really helped. The group did too, hugely. Speaking of humility.

I think that's one experience that made me believe in trying to hold out the possibility of good things happening (replacement "belief"). Small or large. Q: No guarantee s/he won't be a burned-out prison psychologist, but would it harm anything to talk to this T once? I have a very smart PhD younger friend who's been working at San Quentin for years and loves her job. Her mother was severely borderline so I could see why she's drawn to it.

Some of what you posted made me start another little cycle of worrying I might be an N, or N-ish. I think of it as behaviors rather than branding but scary stuff. Mainly around the why-don't-I-do-home-tasks-like-I-should. It really is mainly about my back though. Nothing superior about all that. I'm nibbling at it. TONS of shame attached.

The possible overlaps between Nism and autism ring true to me. My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, autism (then Asperger's), and ADHD after her father died in her second year of college. She's also very very self-absorbed in ways that read narcissistic to me. I often wonder if my Nmom was on the spectrum. My monster-bro has severe ADHD and, imo, is an N-sociopath. He sure had zero empathy. I believe one of my mother's brothers had severe depression. And probably her handsome preacher father, who felt entitled to abuse his daughters. I probably had serious despression too, but just remember being so sad and lonely as a child that I felt my heart was breaking, a lot. Daily. No therapy back then. (The first time I realized that people were actually allowed to talk about sadness/trauma was watching Dr. Oprah. LOL.) Pondering Poet lately, I often wondered about similar sorts of labels like Nism, Borderline (might explain her rage bursts) and definitely manipulation. I was startled to find "major depressive disorder, remitting"--forget the word-- in my medical record but in recent years thought, am I ashamed of that? Fuck NO. I think back then it was ego, iow, I'd rather label myself than let anybody else do it. Now I'm grateful. Less preoccupied with the syndromes or their analysis, more with general life. Just capacity for peace. Whew.

A couple decades on this VESMB have been priceless therapy for me too. No exaggeration.

I admire your guts in taking a deep dive into it all. I don't think it's wasted.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 31, 2026, 08:27:36 AM »

I think that's a wise choice, Meh.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 31, 2026, 07:46:06 AM »

Meh, I'll have to have contractor do the gravel. But we need to build that stone wall and backfill over the culvert first. And it's still too wet to get bobcat or backhoe into where the stones are. (I have LOTS of big stones.)

Hops, the multi-image/material floors sound cheery! Just like with art - in interior design all the rules are made to be broken! One does what makes one happy. A future owner can do something else. So there! <makes raspberry sound>

Hol just painted her bedroom. Of course, walls & ceiling are black. With her generous glass doors/windows and hickory floor it looks like a NYC loft instead of a WV solar hut. She's broken a ton of design "rules" and it all works great.

It's going to be warm enough for shorts today. The vinca is blooming; daffs are up and the serviceberry tree is about to pop blossoms. I'm still working my way through spring cleaning the house; almost there. It's supposed to rain later this week - so maybe I can burn the cardboard that's accumulated AGAIN. Windows are open, while I can before the waves of pollen start blowing (another cleanup job AFTER it's done).