Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

My recent foot injury, and Hol's skirmish with yellow jackets, reminds me how stubborn learned patterns are.  How satisfying it is to DO what feeeeels right and good, esp when it's how one navigated most of a lifetime. 

I believe Hol's recent experience will raise her awareness, as my yj encounters raised mine. 

The fallen tile should have crushed my foot, but instead feels like the universe slapping me around......
"Be 4X more alert/cautious/protective, even if you're giving up coping strategies, that saved you, most of your life....
LET THEM GO NOW!!!"

Slowing down.....
being cautious, doesn't tickle'me brain, nope nope nope, but....
 the alternative costs too much.  I admit it.

Changing habits, giving up ways of being requires a period of mourning..... it's a small death, every one, whether giving up food groups, learning to stop and notice or change one's roll...... it's a surrendering.

Surrendering feels like a loss to the enemy, IME.

In this case, the struggle is with acceptance, IME.  I suspect, most struggles, deep down, are.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I am a human slug so can't relate directly, but do feel that surrendering to change, including in one's own capacities as we age, isn't loss but embrace of life.

I have small examples, and big ones, that at first sadden and then more simply re-orient me. Most physical, others in my attitude.

Life ain't for us to fight with to the death. Death will come anyway, but we'll enjoy the trip more if we become more like a stream. Flow around things that might bruise us like rocks do. Also ask ourselves what we're running from when we're running too fast.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

In Hol's case, she got used to acting and responding in a very fast-paced environment. Doing things any other way invoked a judgement of laziness or not caring or worse. She even turns that on herself.

Accepting that there are other ways of "doing a thing" that are just as wise and responsible is the new stuff. Accepting that, is big for now. She'll get used to it. Lessons learned the hard way, usually stick. it will be interesting to see how this one manifests in her daily being.

[lighter]

SIBs/BIL, and I are at the out of State cousin's wedding......at a brewery....with a hotel.... restaurant and outdoor venue site/dog Park.

I'm going through photos, yawning, as I go through the day in my head, from reception set up, to chasing children, to making peace with my ridiculous spray tan and months of poor food choices.....oh well.  It wasn't exactly ok, but it's ok.

Cousins are lovely.  The children are too. 

I'm trying to relax into your pov, Hops.  Not surrendering.....but embracing life, as it is.  It helped yesterday. A lot.

The contractor is flying through wiring/insulating the shed.  He'll need some answers, on Monday, about flooring and beadboard plywood on walls and ceiling.

We're staying with cousins for a few days.  I'm traveling to Canada, with sister, afterwards.  The renovation will be in contractor's hands ....kids will have to step up.

Embracing life, Hops.

Lighter

[lighter]

Last night in Ohio, and the my cousin's son's screamer band's slot got switched to the last slot (10:30pm) from second slot (7:30pm.)

That means we're not staying at the laundry mat/bar to see them, that's what that means.  We're whipped.  Whipped emotionally, from all the socializing, and running on a huge Mexican late lunch.

My sister is sitting at the bar with our cousin's alcoholic husband.  He's been pretty well behaved this trip....barring touching my left boob with his beer bottle a minute ago.....he was offering me a swig, to be fair. My cousin disappeared.... assuming she's hyperventilating, in a dark corner, of which there are many.  She does so many things for everyone.  She does everything for too many. 

We're searching for goat meat.  Will stop at a farm and fill a cooler.

Up.....found my cousin, and she's ready to go.  Me too....buuuuut there's 4 beers on the bar now....all full.  One's a huge Poo abst Blue Ribbon, which I remember my crew cut dad drinking when mowing the yard.

It is not nostalgic.  It's too many bubbles in an already full stomach and I'm done and standing by the door.....belching for my life.

The bands have a merch table set up.....one of the sales people is wearing a
Cannibal Corpse wife beater, cut off shorts and fishnet stockings with hightops, and a ball cap.

I'm not judging.  In my day, it was much crazier attire than that.

Cousin's husband is talking about a particular woman's camel toe.....cousin disgusted.  I changed the subject to buying local potato chips, for goodness sakes.

This dear sweet drunken mysoginist knows he's not ok....and he suffers....all the time. He's defending his use of the N word now.  We're threatening to take him home.....not to eat lasagna at family dinner.

He's become belligerent......Cousin threatening to hav him out away.   My sister talked him off the cliff..... I'm not able to stop swearing in my seat.  He just touched my knee.

[sKePTiKal]

B and I agree, that scenes like that can be fun - BUT - it's no longer fun when people lose self-control and inhibitions about doing, saying anything. Like some kind of free pass to blather anything in their heads no matter who they upset or offend. Worse is the person who revisits the SAME MONOTONOUS TIRADE of blather EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. and it seems they intentionally seek that "point of no return" just to give the same speech again.

I feel sorry for people who want to publicly stew in their own self-percepted agony over & over again. And it's not fun.

[Hopalong]

Ay, yi yi, Lighter.

One really does need to examine who we're willing to hang out with, its tacit acceptance.

No need for moralisms or looking down noses. But maybe ask, what is rubbing against this climate (or being rubbed against, ewwww) -- doing for my growth and serenity?

Ay yi yi.

I'm sure you'll process it all but wish you didn't find yourself in situations which demand it. You deserve to be around values and behaviors that uphold you.

hugs
Hops [edited two words that sounded too judgmental on re-reading]

[lighter]

Youngest DD suggested I "show the drunk how strong my pimp hand is," which lightened the mood.  She's very funny, and validating.

My sister just wants peace, at any cost.  She saw drunk touch my chest....chooses to become confused about it, which is as upsetting as being touched.

At the end of that night, drunk took my sister into separate room, asked her about my situation with my husband. Drunk believed he was talking with me, not sister.  She answered him, as though she was me, which felt like a double transgression.  I wouldn't put up with the foolishness, not an inch, if not for my beloved cousin and her offspring.

It feels like being emotionally kicked in the shins, again and again, with the kickers monitoring my face for reactivity.  Both, are disappointed.  One, bc I react at all.  One, bc I don't react enough.

I will tell you this, about cousin threatening to drop the drunk at home.....
if the DD wasn't there, the drunk would have been unhappily sat in the yard, and left behind.  Not saying it wouldn't have been messy, or loud, or upsetting.  It would have, but I already knew which pressure points I would use, and how his seatbelt would come off......it would have happened before he understood.  It was all I could think about, on the ride. Calculations had been made.

Interesting how three different women think about the same situation. My sister didn't believe the drunk could be removed from the car.  My cousin threatened, only, without effect.

I will say this...... cousin's children are grown, and pretty independent, in college, with SOs......emotionally more stable, now. bc my cousin creates stability in their lives, while their drunk father destabilizes at every turn.

It's difficult to say how destabilizing a showdown. and separation, would be, at this point. Very, I'm thinking, but then.....creation of serenity and safe space might outweigh the chaos, IME.

Hard to say, as always.

Lighter

[lighter]

Therapist practicing 10 minutes of mindfulness every hour.

Sounded good, but I in realize.....it was beyond my power to practice 6weeks ago.  It might be beyond my power today, but occurs to me.  I can try.

Will get clean, and go outside.  The black bobtailed squirrel looks like a hopping bunny, till climbing a tree....I want to see him hop again....and just now, we have a crisis within the extended family.  Saw it coming.  Surprised it's happening now, though.

I'm really curious if I can squeeze 10 minutes of mindfulness practice, out of each hour, now.

Lighter

[lighter]

Therapist practicing 10 minutes of mindfulness every hour.

Sounded good, but I in realize.....it was beyond my power to practice 6weeks ago.  It might be beyond my power today.  At least it occurs to me.  I can try.

Two mini splits were delivered today.  Contractor refused delivery on one. Beadboard going in right now.

Will get clean, and go outside.  The black bobtailed squirrel looks like a hopping bunny, till climbing a tree....I want to see him hop again....
and just now, we have a crisis within the extended family.  Saw it coming.  Surprised it's happening now, though.

I'm really curious if I can squeeze 10 minutes of mindfulness practice, out of each hour, now.

Lighter

[lighter]

About the wedding reception....
the drunk put his hands on female staff, was cut off at the bar, somehow was naked, answering his door, in front of staff, represented his wife as his "sister," while hitting on female staff.

All this inappropriate touching, sans consequence.  Makes me feel......confused.  Women NOT rocking the boat.....
so the bride could have her best wedding reception? 

I mean ......do creepy drunks go to jail for touching women....like that?  Do they go to jail for being drunk in public? 

Holding drunken creeps accountable is so rare in my world .....I don't know what it looks like, and it's important my daughters see and understand it.  I don't want it to be just a rumor, in their lives.  I want it to be an absolute fact in their lives.

[sKePTiKal]

Yep; there should be consequences for his behavior - and being drunk isn't a get out of jail free card.
ESPECIALLY at someone's wedding, the gents should've ganged up on him and shut him down after the first incident.

[lighter]

It seems like he acts like a faithful husband, while with male relatives.....maybe?  I can only say what he does with me, and other female relatives, which is behave and speak inappropriately.

I know he's sending inappropriate texts to cousin's friends....of the sexual nature.  Wet brained drunk...... activities.

That's, perhaps, not a kind truth, but it's truth, nonetheless.