Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

We had a nice time, Tupp.  I think the hardest moments were the afternoon and evening brother shared his plan to pull himself and family out of Christmas.  Once the shock wire off...the damage to Ohio cousin, oldest DD and BIL, who traveled here to have Christmas with us even as his mother struggles with Alzheimer's.....was the difficult part.....for me. 

The codependence stuff....wanting everyone to be ok, even as brother, who should care about those things too...about giving his grown children some normalcy, as much as they can have....normalcy.  His DD has been directed to hate and punish brother's gf....her mother's ongoing mission in the family, despite her own happiness and apparent joyful relationship with a man who lives her. 

Feelings aren't right or wrong....
I get that....they just are.

It's how adult parents choose to execute their feelings....when they impact children.  All our kids are used to it, frankly.  Grew up with it. Suffered it.

I really thought we'd give them pure unselfish joy this year.  Comfort food.  Laughter. 

Nope.  Why shouldn't this year be normal and besmirched?  Expectations and acceptance all swirled up.  I've released expectation and simplified my thoughts.  I feel better now, but oldest DD feels robbed and betrayed, which might be my brother's intention.  Maybe not.  I see the wounded child in him too....I feel the sting and disorienting oppression of a man's punishment of women they can't control too. 

Oldest DD disagrees with brother's opinion I've installed democratic political views.  She feels something was uninstalled in children raised to hold political beliefs of their parents.....critical thinking skills.

And I'll never punish people for their truth, even as I shield myself.  Punishments never made sense in a family.  No matter how bad things get....the innocents shouldn't be pawns, or injured.  My girls lost so much....a father, grandfather, aunts, uncles and cousins....simetimes on both sides.  My brother's wife withheld niece and nephew when I corrected my niece on something SIL installed in her head and sent her for a visit...mit was to do with my brother and earning power and then SIL was making empty legal threats via texts, bc her DD shared what so said, very confused.  The threat to keep niece and nephew from us was carried out, however.  Very unnerving. Super SIL's way if navigating her world, but not my brother's.

So....is he aware?  Is that what he intended?  Does the family have to choose between us?  My father was all about forcing those kinds of choices.  My mother had a bit of that.....mostly for self protection, but a bit punitive also.

I just thought we could do something else.  I thought we were smarter than that.

It's pricessing like another death, for me.  Brother is smart, but wounded from years of marriage to likely BLPD wife....fleas?

One last thing....my sister and I try to include the Ohio cousins.  We invite, plan and attend the functions.  I don't understand my brother forcing a " choice" between cousins abd his sisters.  Feelings, I know.  Just what they are.

Ohio cousins are ok.  Will stay connected, no matter....after Covid will come together again.

His choices are baffling, punitive, seemingly intended to harm in ripples....I can't imagine he's wholly unaware, though he's been rather cryptic about intentions....outside avoiding just me, my sister and youngest DD as his only intention.

I'm not talking about this much in the family, bc....lots if mommy spirit business with my sister.  Just keeping up with cooking and cleaning....cookies and turkey dinner, with all the toxins, are next.

I realize there's joy in this ritual.....nit just codependent mindless DOING.  I'm creating and experiencing joy in my moments.

I'm breathing my way clear, over and over.

My moss is beautiful and vivid green after the snow and teen temps.

I have a bath poured.  More editing and organizing at home, before returning to lake with oldest DD.

Even if it's not ok...it's ok.  Where there's pain...is there always growth?  I think I'm raising Amazon's, even if my intentions and actions were to shield and protect...the reality has been....I couldn't and they weren't.

This is another deep wounding....familial.  Not yet scathing, but maybe in time, it will be.

I think I might vomit if my BIL realizes what's really going on.  My brother asking him to choose him or his wife and daughter seems...so....what would that be, to my brother? What does he think this means to his children, who have very limited extended family contact, as is.

I have to stop....
 SOOOPHing engagement commencing.

Where does extending empathy and seeing from other people's pov become unpriductive?  When we neeeed a certain outcome.

::Releasing expectation::

Turning back to the joy in front of me.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry it went that way, Lighter. It sounds as though you have a clear view of the inherited, punitive pattern. If only understanding the origins of dysfunction meant we could prevent or reverse it in others.

So you can only find peace within yourself, while accepting what's out of your control. It sounds as though you're doing the right things to re-anchor that peace.

But having a family blowup, so soon after you'd been cooperating with your brother so happily on the big lake property plans....must make it extra painful.

I've almost reached the point where I never want to fantasize about anything at all.

I hope this corrects quickly but even if it doesn't, will quote a sage for you:
"It's okay, even when it's not okay."

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops.  I hope it's a bobble and not a permanent rift too.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

(((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))  I'm so sorry.  I can just imagine you bustling around, making the house nice, cooking delicious food, planning games and activities, doing all you can to create those nice memories that we all want to have when we look back on certain times.  And you being you, including everyone, making sure everyone's okay, being very willing and able to let certain things slide and/or not become an issue because, it's Christmas, and it doesn't matter who thinks what or votes for whom or whether or not everyone feels the same about every issue.  And I can see other people - not doing that, because their own dynamics, whatever they are, are just more important and they can't put things to one side just for a few days.  And they have to circle other people on their side as well.  It's such a shame.

Whatever your brother's intentions were, I hope things do calm down with him, even if only for the sake of all the cousins so that they can do those family events from time to time without big rows erupting.  I know my own mum worked really hard to stop my sister and I having contact and/or a relationship with any of our extended family - all part of the control issue.  Maybe it's that with him, it's so hard to know what the motivation is for different people's behaviour (and yep, I think often there's a lack of self awareness or a feeling that people can feel the way they feel and still get along okay for a few hours or days).  I'm glad there were enjoyable bits as well and I do hope there is some settling down, even if it just means the adult kids can catch up together from time to time.  Families!  They're hard work lol xx

[lighter]

I stripped beds and dud laundry while practicing loving kindness meditations...short and focused on myself, then brother.

I so want him happy and safe.  I don't think he feels sadexat all right NIW.  I do think he's connecting to his children through Covid.  That's a very happy thing, even with his ex wife's consistent sabotage.  How very tired my brother must be after 20 years of it.

So, that's been my answer for now.  Picturing brother joyful with his children and life, with gratitude he's in my life.

Releasing expectation helped.

Ending judgment helped more.

Focusing on curiosity.....I'm often surprised by my brother abd his reactions.  In goodcways, if I'm being honest.  He tends to process angry, then settle and make changes bringing positive impacts on how we relate.

I'm enjoying feeling empty right now....a little hungry that is.  Oldest DD and I picked up cucumbers, carrots, 2 heads of lettuce and avocados to make lettuce wraps with peanut sauce last night.  I had a light soup today.  My body is at ease, head to toe.  I have deep gratitude and it really contributes to working on the car my father's caretaker drove for years....I now have back.

After cleaning the house, or the worst of it, the deep dirt in the car was really bugging me, mostly bc I didn't have a moment to a dress it, and bc the lack of care is so apparent.

I think there's some shame in there, but I'm no longer muttering things like " boogered up" and am enjoying the deep satisfaction of making really grubby things very clean.

Not sure what shifted.  Action or perspective, likely both.

Caretaker has phoned twice and shown up at the lake house once while I was gone.  She takes something every time she shows up.  I realize I'm ready for her to stop.  I'm ready for her to be well and happy somewhere else, not near me.

Mostly bc of past betrayals, which, when I think of it, were consistent and not in her best interests.  I think she knew I valued her mission, and would support her and it no matter what she did to me.

In this moment I feel I've been consistent, kind and loving, despite her puzzling behavior.

I'm glad I don't have to figure it out or explain it to anyone.  I had some upset over this decision, but there's peace now.  I'll call her after moving through some living kindness practice focused on her.  Will be particularly focused on it as I continue cleaning the car.

Not neeeding her to understand my POV is coming into focus.  Not needing others to understand is too.  My sorting it out is enough, blessedly.

It's being enough.  It's requiring my own approval....no one else's to feel ok.

It feels like everything is ok, in this moment.

Tupp....what you said about limiting chaos in your own life really struck home for me.  I didn't do that only to let everyone else drag theirs into my life, and I have seriously curtailed opportunity for others to create drama. 

I'm going to explore what drama I feel pressing in and changing how I relate to it.  How I allow it to act on me, in my life, etc.

That felt amazing to tap out!  The realization I have power over so much in my life.  I'm not a victim, or at the mercy of anyone right now.  That's over if it was ever true...done.

I require my approval.  It feels like letting go of a stupid trap.....in martial Arts there are traps we think we can't escape, but can....easily, if we know how.  Like opening a hand and letting the rope go.....it stops burning.

Nose.
Off.
The.
Pebble.

See the field.

That is SO helpful in every way.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

((((((((Lighter)))))))))  It's so good to read that the things that come up just don't floor you - you can breathe, meditate, think your way through them and it's okay.  Will never be perfect - I think that's been a tough one for me to chew on?  But it's okay.  You can manage yourself and hope others can blend in with that, but also release them if it's just not possible to be involved.  That's just how it has to be sometimes, I think.  Requiring your own approval - yes, definitely that, but also hard to do sometimes!  I remember a T, years ago, telling me it only mattered what I thought about what I was doing.  Other people's opinions weren't important.  It's hard to let go of that when decades of your life have been devoted to other people and what they thought.  Tough lessons to learn.  But so useful.  And yes to limiting chaos.  Peace, happiness, harmony.  We can't have it all the time, I don't think, but it's certainly something to aim for most of the time.  Happy 2021, Lighter xx

[Hopalong]

Add me to the chorus of appreciation for

"I require my own approval!"
A good one for the mini-mantra collection!

HNY hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Tupp and Hops:

Once I adjusted my expectations and let go of outcome things became joyful at Christmas again.

I still mumble under my breath occasionally, about the layered....see.

I want to write filth, but I also want to accept it is what it is, then get joyful about the cleaning, which happens and is possible.  It comes and goes.  I don't want to be negative about dad's caretaker letting dogs use the upstairs of the whole house as a per pad for 2 dogs.  It helps nothing, and is upsetting to me.....changes nothing to judge and feel frustrated.

I have an easier time dealing with my little brother, bc I absolutely don't want to be told what to do.  Backing off him, accepting he's upset.....respecting his choices is easy once I give up expectations.

I'm nicer to myself when I catch myself being negative....just bring it back on track and keep going.  Like training martial Arts....fill the negative space with learning and curiosity.  Focusing on failure, itself, is pointless.  Noting it, then returning to center, feels very productive to me.

We had snow this morning.  Not the big dump we expected, but it was beautiful.  The kids made 7 batches of cookie dough last night.  They're icing them now, after doing box it outs and baking for hours.  It's magical and I can't wait to take neighbor's little treat bags. 

We made chocolate chip cookies and Russian tea cookies too, all he, so there's something for everyone.

My buddy, with Covid, said his wife tested negative and son hasn't received his results yet.

My mechanic, in GA, recovered after receiving the antibody shot?  I think that's what he said.  It took 3 more days of difficult breathing.....he called on day 2 to say it didn't help.  The doc said to wait another day, and that happened to be when his ability to breathe freely returned.

The man who gave it to him just had flu symptoms, but his 60+ yo sister was very ill, like the mechanic.

I'd like to hire my brother's gf to sell the beach cottage, but she ghosted me when he did, so not sure.  I have another realtor company in mind....will see.

I have 3 pairs of glasses ready for pick up where dd20 works.  I'm curious how I'll feel about wearing glasses again and looking through glasses with 3 prescriptions in each lense.....all different, bc of the monovision.  I'm thinking my brain will have a bit of adjusting to do, for sure.

We've made many family meals, but I really enjoyed the spaghetti and meatballs.....just finished the leftovers yesterday myself.  People still asking for it. 

The charcuterie board was a close second, mostly bc we didn't blow the kitchen up and it was beautiful....so yummy.  My bil made negronis.....gin highballs?  Very interesting, with orange peel twists for me.  I've never had gin before....reminded me of making grab lax with Swedish friends, bc of the juniper berries. 

Lots of pies were made and consumed.  Pear cheddar pie, Apple, pumpkin....brownies....a first batch of Russian tea cookies.  We'll be ready for more austere food soon, but not quite yet.

MIL sent both dds very short notes on very cheap cards this week.  This is the first time she included youngest DD.  This us the first time she didn't blather on about money and smirky instructions to contact her, bc over 18yo....like THAT was the reason MIL has zero contact with the girls.  Like I controlled them, and kept them from her. 

See....there's a little reactivity there.  I feel the need to finish that thought.  Tap out MIL's actions are the reason the girls have nothing to do with her....and....I think I feel better, but am ready to not go down that rabbit hole any longer.

There's freedom and joy in noting that....and in knowing I have a choice.  In knowing I can put her down and turn away whenever I choose.  I'm not ready today, but sense I will be soon, and that will be the right time for me.

The same with mumbling under my breath about the.....cleaning.  It's a fresh start.  It's all good when wiggling my toes on pristine brick pavers I steamed and scrubbed many times. 

That's my update.  Things are slowing down now my BIL returned to Canada.  We made beautiful walking sticks we collected on forest walks.  We put in a toilet and shower door.  Fixed or improved the garage door tracking and painted the crud out of the worst bed and bathrooms over the holiday. 

I meant to bring the steamer and strip wallpaper in my 2 bathrooms, but left it behind.  Will go back to lake and try to finish painting while sister is here....lots to paint.

Lots of projects, but I'm leaning in happily.  Girls are all but grown and it feels like I have the space and energy to give.  I like staying busy. 

Lighter

 

[Twoapenny]

Is that scary MIL, Lighter?  The one who's caused all the problems?  If so, that's an amazing not reactive reaction you've had to her getting in touch.  Huge progress, that's so great to read.  It's funny that she still doesn't see her role in what happened.  But great that it no longer drags you back into that horrifying mess she made.

And the food!  Mmmm, your meal descriptions always make me feel so hungry!  Sounds so delicious and it's a nice way to spend time with the kids, isn't it, it's so much about nurturing and caring and it's a nice thing to do together.  All I can think about now is cookies, though You sound so busy up at the lake house; I hope everything that needs doing there gets done and that you can sell on the beach house without too many problems.  Sounds like a realtor who isn't family or family connected might be a good idea just now.  Keeps everything neutral and avoids 'other' issues merging in with practical decisions about the house.

And I hope that all the people you know with Covid recover well.  It really does seem to be everywhere now; I don't know anyone who hasn't had it or had someone close to them have it in these last few months.  The neighbours will really appreciate the cookies, I'm sure xx

[lighter]

Yup, the scary MIL is the only one left living.  I had a friendly relationship with ex h's mother.  I plopped my babies in her lap and fed her.  I remained friends with my ex.

And....it IS amazing progress to notice very little reactivity around that contact.  I'd say it was zero, but that's not entirely true, bc I didn't just put it down.  I thought about her intentions and tactics and let her pov....her story, really, touch my need for justice and truth.

It gets easier to let that go.  Acceptance sometimes seeps in slowly.  Sometimes it floods in. 

We made lots of cookies to be iced.  2 batches of icing wasn't enough to ice half.  Will make more today.

My sister and I tag teamed yesterday.  I took first shift in the kitchen.  She took the second.  I think I got the better deal.

I neeed spaghetti today.  Will pick up sauce makings when I get glasses fitted and lunch with dd20. 

I'm excited about the lake house.  Lots of things coming together quickly.  Sell or Airbnb....it's forward movement.  Walking meditation.

:: nod::

How is your editing of spaces coming along?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

This is remarkable, Lighter, imo:

knowing I have a choice.  In knowing I can put her down and turn away whenever I choose.  I'm not ready today, but sense I will be soon, and that will be the right time for me.

Especially liked the last sentence, because it seems the way healing actually comes. Not when summoned, but when sensed -- this is the next thing nature does, given a chance-- and allowed and welcomed, like you're readying the space for it, and at peace with knowing it comes in its own time.

I'm glad for you. It sounds like you've achieved great trust in the process and in your capacity to receive it.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Yup, the scary MIL is the only one left living.  I had a friendly relationship with ex h's mother.  I plopped my babies in her lap and fed her.  I remained friends with my ex.

And....it IS amazing progress to notice very little reactivity around that contact.  I'd say it was zero, but that's not entirely true, bc I didn't just put it down.  I thought about her intentions and tactics and let her pov....her story, really, touch my need for justice and truth.

It gets easier to let that go.  Acceptance sometimes seeps in slowly.  Sometimes it floods in. 

We made lots of cookies to be iced.  2 batches of icing wasn't enough to ice half.  Will make more today.

My sister and I tag teamed yesterday.  I took first shift in the kitchen.  She took the second.  I think I got the better deal.

I neeed spaghetti today.  Will pick up sauce makings when I get glasses fitted and lunch with dd20. 

I'm excited about the lake house.  Lots of things coming together quickly.  Sell or Airbnb....it's forward movement.  Walking meditation.

:: nod::

How is your editing of spaces coming along?

Lighter

Amazing that the reaction just isn't as strong, Lighter, especially compared to what, a year ago?  I remember the last time she got in touch it was very upsetting (understandably).  Incredible change, well done!  Sad for her and so many like her that they don't try to keep people in their lives by trying to get along with them.  She's missed out on your lovely girls with her silliness.  Her loss.  Silly woman.

Space editing is going slowly!  I'd kind of put stuff off in case we moved round about now but this new lockdown has put paid to that, I think, so I'm working through a room at a time - good clear out and declutter, then a good clean, walls washed, carpets shampooed, furniture replaced if necessary.  Son's room is first, on the decluttering stage at the moment and just trying to do one section at a time.  He's getting a lot better with giving stuff away and we've got a few bits to sell so it's going alright - will hopefully finish that next week and then start ordering furniture for him.  Not sure how to get rid of furniture at the minute; usual things like charity donations aren't set up although I'm wondering if leaving it outside for someone to collect is an option.  I can dismantle and bring downstairs in pieces.  I'll have to look into it all a bit more but we're getting there! xx

[lighter]

SLighterSlow movement is still movement, Tupp.  Careful.  With your shoulder, a pause would make sense, imo.

We put things on the curb here, then post curb alerts on neighborhood message boards and apps like Offer-Up.  Usually things get picked up.

I asked you if you have a nice morning ritual to start your day....on another thread.  I want something new.  Maybe a body scan stretch, or something killing many birds with one stone.  Maybe something already figured out.  Maybe can do short version of Pain Free book maintenance stretches AND body scan, meditation.

Will see.

It's sunny, blue sky's, very cold today.  The kids are doing a dress up skit to a song for my bd....sister's birthday, then cooking dinner....the boy ( niece's bf) made lovely walking sticks for us, and will lead a hike. 

I'm packaging boxes of Christmas cookies for neighbors.....we did everything late this year, but did everything.  Got lots finished at lake....it's a whirlwind on our schedule, and I realize.....its ok not to send cards, but deliver cookies on my own schedule.

The Covid + neighbor got his cookies today......he sounded terrible.  I wore a mask and stayed far away, which hurt his feelings a bit.  My sister didn't pet his dig, which further hurt him, but.....we don't want to get sick!

Good luck healing and editing in your iwn time, dear one.

I love how you're picking up duties when you're ready, and not before.  I've not perfected that, but I practicing consistently.  I know when I need to get back on track.  It's a new way of doing things.  It's so much more of what I want: )
Lighter

[lighter]

We're painting at the lake.  Had planned to pain through the weekend and put house back in order, but my brother will be here Friday so will have to leave mid job.  At least the big rooms, and bathrooms, will be coated with fresh linen gray color.

We brought a painter with huge roller....sister and I working ahead of him to dust, remove electrical plates and the heaviest furniture I've ever touched.

Forward movement, along with cabinet installer referral.......things rolling along.

Niece and her by left Monday after an amazingvevening of card playing, SO much fun.

We're nerds, I know; )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Have you and your brother spoken at all since the argument, Lighter?  I hope you still get enough work done to make a dent in it and feel like you're making progress.  Card games sound fun - being nerds is the best xx