Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

So "going flat" as just stopping all pretending sounds really authentic.
I was watching the same scary TV about killers that Tupp had been, so I was imagining something like the sociopathic stare just-before-violence one always hears about. Glad you cleared that up!

Yikes, no.  Not a serial killer shark- like "flatness."  Just a very focused annoyance/anger that's about to be turned into action or words.  I think it speaks to my shying away from feminine toughness...... or anger..... or assertiveness.... maybe?  I'm not sure how to blend toughness and femininity in a way that's comfortable. Maybe healthy boundaries takes the confusion out of it?.

I think you're spot on about the listening and the boundaries and the letting go of saving friends from their own bad relationships.

I think with my poet friend I need to get used to stepping out or away more rapidly. I focus hard on what she's saying, and damned if it's not a bit triggering. They are locked into a somebody's-gotta-WIN this argument stance, and it's exhausting just to hear about.

The last time I heard a friend share that kind of struggle.....i just flat out told him how tedious and boring it was to listen the struggle, bc it was always the same struggle. I didn't need him to see it, but I needed him to stop talking about it for my own mental health.  On reflection, using the words tedious and boring wasn't a compassionate way to express that truth.  It was all I had in my tank at the time...... it was me letting that build up over a period of years...... then losing my ability..... to be honest AND compassionate/feminine/healing and who says I have to always always be feminine and healing and compassionate?  Of course I would strive to be centered and compassionate, given a choice, but thats not.....I'm not perfect.... or a monk..... or capable of holding everything for everyone, which I used to feel responsible for, I guess. 

That seems to have passed.

 I'll count it as a win, if an imperfect win.
 

About her/their fears of being alone, boy can I relate. I spent a year after breaking off the future-commitment-pretenses with M and trying to be his best friend anyway, out of residual love and affection and some dependent fantasy he'd still view himself as a future security for me as "his best friend." And he often tried to encourage that with little remarks now and then... But since I wrenched myself through the NC decision, the amount of freedom and peace and energy to do new things and meet new people has been coming through VERY clearly. Don't miss M!

YAY! YAY!  You're doing great, Hops: )

It's hard not to project that positive result onto friends when we see them spiraling. I actually feel as sorry for him as for her...he's out of his depth and she can be very condescending because an academic tone (lecturing and "educating" him about sexism, etc) really sets him off. Then he says something belittling about her that she takes as a sexist-pig insult, when I often think it's just he doesn't have her depth of language or education, and speaks like an older regional southern man from a brutal family. She has many right points but presents them always as his "homework" and he is condescending in turn because he's very insecure about who he is as a man in this confusing new social world.

How frustrating and sad, Hops.  That WINNING! thing is really tough.
And tedious.
And boring.

Also, he has a felon son with bipolar and dangerously high BP who's pulling at him constantly for money and that pisses her off too, because he's contributing economically and she's watching him just bleed away his savings to try to rescue the son, who may not be salvageable. (That's where some of my compassion for him comes, because I know the desperation with a spiraling child.)

It's difficult to support/help a child recover rather than enable them to remain ill.... esp if we're allergic to conflict, IME. 

He's frantic on the phone with son all day and then she wades in and gets all furious about his comments and remarks that always begin with "YOU...never/always...etc."
I think they're in a very sad kind of cage match.  I always pictured my brother and his wife clinched together..... their fingers in each other's hair.... death gripped together.  Cage match is an apt description.  Yup.  You won't solve that one for them.

Meanwhile, you also remind me how important it is not to let my advocacy and love of my friend damage my own mental health. Thanks for that and I couldn't agree more, calm boundaries and stepping back -- NOT so much leaping in.

There's power in letting things be.  Stepping back can be an act of self preservation, esp if folkes aren't able to hear us.  Talk about a lesson in acceptance and releasing outcome.  Our stuff rubbing up against other people's stuff.... our coping strategies creating avoidable tension, certainly the case for me with this friend.  Stepping around the tension is better, if we can't change the original problem, IME.  We can still be OK, even if our friends and loved ones aren't OK.  It changes nothing, costs them and us nothing to keep ourselves level.  Why that so difficult to figure out, Idon't know., but it is, IME.  Hugs back to you, Hops.
Lighter /b]

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

WOW....when I try to see situations and people without judgement, agenda or expectation.....

it feels like my vision vibrates a little.....

and......

my mouth and eyes soften in an uncomfortable way.... my brain wants to auto-correct it.

I think it's what I used to negatively judge as "sleepy-eyed" twin......face.  My sister's identical face was NEVER that, but when I looked in the mirror I saw HER face, but with softer eyes.  For the first time I saw myself through other people's eyes and filters... that darned mirror. 

It's sad to think about a child unlearning to see things without judgment.  Appearances, vulnerability needed shoring up (quite necessary, I'm sure.) 

Well...... kids can really be mean.


Lighter

[lighter]

Yesterday morning I patted my chest to comfort myself.....just happened without thinking.
 
It felt exactly like comforting a baby.  My hand felt the baby....my chest felt the comforting hand, like a child would feel it.

Amazing.

This reminded me of the shoulder patting self soothing strategy T taught me.....that I haven't used or remembered to use,  more accurately.

The chest pat and alternating shoulder pats have the exact timing.

Animals chewed car wires, which was an easy fix after arranging a tow and waiting my turn. Contractor said they make the wire coatings with soy products..... that's why the chewing.

Contractor working elsewhere a lot lately.  He seemed different yesterday after laying 3rd bathroom shower tile.  We talked about the job, I offered to feed him, bc he rarely comes back after lunch.  He snapped...."Where do you think I am?  Now she's offering to feed me.". I was so shocked I took a step back and walked away.... wondering if he talked to his wife that way?  WAS he talking to his wife?

Ya, he was.

And his attitude didn't get much better after he apologized and launched into what's apparently overwhelming him lately?  Difficult old lady customer and her DD.  Stepson making bad choices the contractor can't control, bc his wife earns money too.  If he was the sole earner.....he said he'd throw out the SS who's 6k behind in child support, which is untenable to contactor.

A second stepson making bad choices.

His brother texted him and pretended to be someone else, reporting brother was dying in hospital.  Contractor seemed at the end of a rope, emotionally.  I'm glad he's taking a break, with my blessing always, bc setting his own work schedule is how he rolls.  I expect he'll take small jobs while working here, likely for a year.  He has a business to run and no help.  It was a deal I made.  Slow but well done work by a local.

I will say this..... he's extremely religious and social.  The end if our discussion vwas about sharing Jesus, stories about it that touched his heart ( assuming I was being shared with) and I noticed I poked him a tad about throwing Cornhole......night at various events.....being gambling, bc they throw for up to 10k at the end of each event.....I think it's called Box Throw?  Not t sure, but I could see the man he was before getting sober, before Jesus touched his heart, before he settled into responsibility and consistent parenting.

I don't know why I do that....but he finds the idea of gambling not ok.  It's "a chance."

Not "gambling."
"Skill."
Not gambling.
I have to stop.
 I know that. 

If he's having a breakdown....if he's dropping a mask, he has to go.  I already know that.

The very first impolite remark....
 and I'll know.

My brother has a renovation coming up....is almost done with an ongoing project.  I'll go by and see the on this trip to Atlanta.

Will visit widowed friend, go to Restores and travel back to lake for some other minor work on car the first of the week.
I see the nutrition gal today and my hands are a mess....little nerve bumps on left palm and fingers on right hand. Not many, but they pop up when I m stressed....are itchy and sometimes painful.  Im expecting a good appointment today, esp since food choices have been limited to frozen and canned, bc no car for days. 

I ate a huge salad last night.....so happy to have fresh greens!

My sister is bonding with my girls.  I'm bonding with her DD. 

My brother's DD and DS don't answer my calls or return my texts since Christmas.  I hope that changes. 

I think the plan is to have Christmas all together in Toronto this year.  I hope we can figure out how to be kind and joyful....without fail. There are so many amazing things to do, as a family.   

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Ahhh, okay....
Hops klaxons going off (they ARE hair-trigger, I admit).

Themes I feel are familiar....

Contractor. Male. Competent. Doing active stuff. Lighter closely aware of if not side-by-side with his work. Must be a lot of necessary dialogue. Are we employer-employee, coworkers, or friends?

Lighter offers to nurture (feed). That's not expected, or convenitonal. Contractor notices and feels off-balance enough by this intimacy to go awry.

Next. Lighter's sympathy/empathy somehow invites Contractor to drop all boundaries and become totally vulnerable and pour out his heart. Totally personal.

All professional or employer-detachment-from-worker boundaries are blown.

Lighter, hon, SOMETHING goes on between you and hired men. It's not bad or wrong but most definitely recurs in your life.

I don't know the answer (if in fact there is a question) and I don't want to slide into critique. That's not my point. I just wanted to share that I see this pattern and here's a new repeat.

Is it good for you? Healthy? Resetting your experiences with males in a positive way?

That's all that matters. If it IS good, or something you're drawn to re-enact for a reason, then good will come of it. If it might not be, or seems like toxicity is beckoning, well good could come of that too, once you ponder it.

You ponder hard, ime, and you grow from it always.

hugs
Hops

PS THANK YOU for the chest-patting moment. I did it the moment I read it and I get it. So appreciate this concrete reminder of how to be physically tender with ourselves.

[lighter]

You're welcome for the chest patting moment, Hops.

About the contractor.  On reflection.....it felt more like he had a toothache than anything.  Like a lion with a thorn in his paw.

It was so out of character ....I was shocked.
I don't think it has anything to do with me.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Got it. I could be and often am, WAAAAAAAAAY off base!

Hope he'll be well and you will have no angst around him.
(Doesn't sound like you do. My projection I am sure.)

Sheesh.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

My sister has moved me into a huge paper/clutter edit.  Not all the trial stuff...but......

Things she felt we'd need to write a book are in the burn pile. 
So.
Much.
Stuff to burn. 
I'm happy and relieved to let it go.
I'll let you guys know when the bonfire begins.   

You'll have time to dust off your Amazon-wear.

My boots need new buckles.

Lighter

[lighter]

Oldest dd is having a birthday soon and  wants to eat buffet sushi.

My God.

In Atlanta.

The Covid possibilities are endless..... and...... any buffet idea slows my digestion.  I know I won't leave feeling well.

And....Covid. 

In Atlanta.

I'm supposed to get on a plane on Wedendsday.  I can't cancel the flights. 

I guess I'm stuck in a reactive place....will go into the yard and just be for a while.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

How about saying about the sushi-covid corral ... no, that's not a place I'll be going.

Nothing about existing on one's own birthdate entitles anybody to require others to expose themselves to dangerous illness, imo. (But the other needs to own their own reason if they wish to explain it. Owning it does not mean seeking understanding or approval if it's not forthcoming. Owning it means, I am, I speak, I make choices.)

Saying No, with peaceful self-containment. Nothing to do with not caring about bdays, but bday entitlement feelings (trainings?) run into limits too, imn-ho. Good experience.

Saying No without misery is great anti-CoD practice for you.
Accepting No without misery would be great maturity practice for her.

Good luck! You might only get the internal piece of it this round. Internal peace.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I did say NO to birthday sushi buffet, Hops.

During trip to Florida youngest DD19 asked me how I felt about being a hypocrite over refusing the buffet, yet going out to mostly patio seating restaurants in Florida......no buffets.

I responded I felt assailed from all sides and shot her a warning glance.  I just don't have the patience to be needled when I do my level best to be safe and still have a life.

Lighter

[lighter]

Halloween is very busy around here.  Lots of physical prep, but 6 out if town guests, aloo g with me and the girls, is a lot.

My recently widowed friend came and I wasn't completely recovered from the week I spent with her, not gonna lie.  I wasn't able to attune and frankly, I feel a need to change my definition of attunement to friends and family members. 

Halloween was super busy.....and I close off emotionally, get into my little zone and create monsters happily under pressure.  A 15 foot tall clown zombie was new this year and amazing.
 My style rubs up against my sister's style, bc she DOES so much..... beautiful chaos, really.  She wants direction and for me to not be annoyed with her efforts.  She sees us as Claire and fleabag from the Series Fleabag.  I'm Claire, if you're familiar.... And my sis isn't exactly wrong.

I'm getting new tires and am grateful for these moments of mindfulness.  On the way here I was shocked when I wondered if being a solitary astronaut would be just right for me....and tears popped up. 

I think I haven't found my balance yet with people and work and play and everything.  That's ok too.  It's ok to be unsure and out if sorts while finding my way.  I know that.

So, Halloween there were at least 3 people in tears.....one in anger.  One in frustration.  One in heartbreak.  The frustrated and angry ones had an incident.....but really, my friend is ready for my children to be grown and gone.  Now her husband passed, she's ready for me to be as free.....and I'm not.  The frustrated one was one if my girls and she doesn't do well with people and noise ( unless she's making it) and people in her space.  I choose my kids if my friend makes the mistake of asking me to choose.  It appears she won't, but at a point it seemed imminent, I tell you.  My sister spent time with friend and apparently talked her out if that tree.  I had energy INLY for truth telling and running the haunted tent in the driveway and feeding people.  I slept in a closet( big closet) very happy to be alone.....took my sister's bed, in fact.

There was an electric current between two guests you could feel from a distance.  I mention this only bc it wasn't appropriate and one of those people was the first to sprout tears last night.  Seems an age ago already.

I'm going to go back to contemplating balance for myself.  Life seems much easier for extroverts, though I know it's not that simple.

From here.....where I'm standing, it looks like there are those who harm and those who heal, but again....not that simple.

I don't have to make sense of the actions if difficult people. 

[lighter]

Jumping on "finding balance" I want to say there are parts to that, imo.

Simply SEEING my patterns and reactivity.

Sifting through them to find clarity, as Good us doing now.

Dropping judgment so I CAN find clarity.

Resisting the pull of assigning blame bc it just slows me down.

Realizing....no. Wrong word.  Accepting/internalizing my emotions aren't dependent on other people's words and actions.....really important.  Releasing expectations will free up so much energy.  Esp around spending time with other people.

And the Yelly Guy stuff......
Is falling away.  For me, though his tone yesterday says he's shifting into anger and resentment..... hopefully acceptanc e around the reality I can't be friendly and civil around him and not be.....
Not be.....
See?  I have some resentment around this "Lighter texted with a married man, Lighter walked her dog with a married man" narrative.....making me somehow responsible for the married man losing his mind.

I say he lost it long ago, nothing to do with me.  He acted it out bc he's lost his mind, not bc I talked, walked or texted, imo.

To say I have responsibility is to say to my younger self, daughters, niece and present/ future self that I deserve to be assaulted, stalked IF certain clothing choices are made.

I say, just bc attention is desired.....intentionally sought out doesn't mean we're apples on a tree for anyone to pick ( stalk/assault, etc.)

People, men and women, get to decide who's attention they want and who's they don't.  That's it.  So simple, I wonder what the hell is wrong with people who see confusion.

Very simple for me.  Always has been.

So, I don't believe I'll ever stop being civil or kind, bc there are amoral people, broken people, PDs, confused people.  I'm not confused in what's appropriate.  I'm not responsible for other people.

Simple.

And so.....Yelly Guy was standing in the Cowboy's yard watching me and sis break down Halloween decorations.  I ignored him.  Didn't even think about it.

Sis tied the pug to a tree badly.  Pug git away.  Yelly Guy walked dog back over to us and expected.... to chat?  Help us, perhaps?

I saw him coming and said YG us bringing the Pug back, but kept working.  Sis was closer to YG than I was....I was high on a ladder, reaching. 

Short story short, we both called the dog a little shit and ignored YG.....curt thanks and did took the dog, turned away.

YG said something.....I wasn't listening, frankly, but his tone was familiar.  Wounded.....resentful.  If he finds a way to retaliate he will, ime. 

I have to find clarity around relationships in my community and save the ones I care about.

There's some internal primal drive to be accepted and safe within community.  Very powerful during years of trials......primitive us a good word.

I have some confusion around that, still.....needs sorting out. 

I am safe.

I can keep myself safe

I'd like to help others feel safe.

The whole blaming women thing is over for me. 

Women should support each other and women in this Country are more combative, ime.

I have some thinking to do on it.

Lighter

[lighter]

 One more thing ....
Saying and understanding something, for me, is different than internalizing something in my cells and psyche. 

Sometimes I beat dead horses, but I'm just trying to merge with the poor thing.

[lighter]

Lots of opportunities to practice responsiveness......notice reactivity and what I'm doing opposed to what others are doing


It seems so simple now.

[Hopalong]

Lighter,
I so understand how different understanding something conceptually is from internalizing/integrating it into reacting in the world.

I had two thoughts about your Hallowe'en:
1) Sounded like a veritable tsunami of OPFs (Other People's FEELS). Oooof.
2) The 13-foot clown thought hit me as: Does Lighter need to be building a flatbed sculpture to take to the next Burning Man? LOL.

Re. Yelly Guy: Sigh. Be so helpful if you blocked his texts. Not hostile. Simple.

Hope all this settles soon and you stop thinking you fell short of perfection. I can help. Here's the truth: You fall short of perfection.

Join the club, hon! This is all FINE.

hugs
Hops