Silver Linings

[Twoapenny]

Hops,
I sure hope so!  It's funny, when I read your handle "hops" I think hops, used to make beer.  Then I read my handle "bean" and here we are talking about gardening!   

I do think when you come from an abusive Family of Origin - in my case I had narcissitic parents - finding ways to relax and nurture things is important. Gardening just seems like the perfect escape.  My husband is currently working on a backyard, he has planted 4 different types of grass...

My husband had an extremely abusive father, I did not know him he died before I met my husband but I hear the stories my husband and his siblings tell me and it's horrifying.  In comparison, I feel like my parents were pretty OK! 

Hubby has been talking about this vegetable garden non-stop since the coronavirus hit.  I know we won't have to grow our own food to survive - I know this logically - but spiritually and emotionally it seems like a good thing to do at this time of high anxiety.  Agree with everyone else who posted similarily.

bean

I think lots of people are appreciating their gardens if they have them right now, Bean, even if just to sit in them.  I feel very fortunate to have my little space.

[Twoapenny]

I'm the same way Tupp. I feel amazingly un-anxious. Everything seems manageable.

CB

It's funny, isn't it, CB?  I think perhaps we've just been over-reaching and over-doing for so long that the sudden stop that came along has kind of re-set something.  I definitely would never have taken this much time off and stayed inside so much if I hadn't been made to.  It's an odd situation.

[Hopalong]

I love the peace you guys are experiencing and amplifying.

Bravoooooooooooos,

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp,

Some days I dont get a thing "done". Other days, (like yesterday) I turn the house upside down and forget to eat lunch. How the anxiety works (or lack of it) is: it doesnt matter either way. If I spend a day reading, then I do. One day I binge watched a series on Amazon(and I never do that, dont even want to most of the time). I really enjoyed it--and the next day I spent in the kitchen cooking.

I guess the common emotion when I was working was: should. If I didnt shop, clean, do laundry on my days off, I wouldnt have what I needed on my work days since they wore me out. And then there was the projects I wanted to do. If I actually took a day and did one, I felt like I should have done those other things. If I didnt, I felt as though I was on a hamster wheel of work/clean/laundry. I didnt cook. If I got home at 7, cooking meant I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner at 9.

I rarely talked to my kids, and certainly didnt visit much, because I was talked out after work (as were they). I still don't see them because of the virus (I won't be seeing the ones who are nurses for the foreseeable future), but we have set up a family message board and talk a lot more. We could have done that all along, but I think the restrictions have forced us to become more creative, and the concern for each other makes us aware of how quickly life can change.

So today I am sitting with a second cup of coffee and relaxing a bit after turning my room upside down yesterday. We are going to have a stormy day today, but I had a cardinal couple come and check out my bird bath for the first time and the baby bunny that lives in the bushes came out and danced around the grass (until daddy cardinal stopped that nonsense.)

CB

100% the same, CB, having those repeated pockets of time to do or not do things and respond to my own needs - huge change for me and one that I still can't quite grasp and am so grateful for at the minute.  But yes, that constant pressure and constant level of exhaustion has gone and the luxury of being able to think, "I'll do that tomorrow" or "I won't do that at all" is a huge change.  Hamster wheel is a good way to describe it, that's just what it felt like, and to have your own dancing bunny - wow!  that is so cute, it's so nice to be able to watch something like that for as long as you like, not just for five minutes before you dash out the door again   Wow.  That is so lovely xx

[Twoapenny]

And I just paid my credit card off   Any extra money now can go into savings   Woo hoo! xx

[Twoapenny]

A couple of things have been happening in the last two weeks.  I've massively cut down on my sugar and caffeine consumption and for the first time in a long time have been able to, because I haven't needed the artificial energy to keep me going.  I'm drinking a lot more water instead and the first couple of weeks I felt very lethargic and struggled to get through the day, some days easier than others but I could feel the lack of energy.  I am starting to feel more energised now, though, which I think is a good sign.  The combination of rest, sleep, lack of stress, fewer stimulants and more water with less snacking is starting to help, I think, and I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes.

I also feel like I'm finally starting to get to know myself.  Without all the false personas (designed to cope) and the day to day pressure of having to deal with things I don't want to, I feel like all the layers are falling off and the real Tupp is starting to emerge.  It's a really nice feeling and I'm getting back into things I haven't really had the energy to enjoy fully, like music and reading.  I'm connecting with fellow feminists and left wingers on Twitter as well and I really like that.  I've spent a lot of time feeling frustrated with a lot of people I know because we don't have an awful lot in common a lot of the time, and I think it's because the friendships have come from our circumstances rather than shared interests.  So I'm enjoying connecting with other people for other reasons.

And I'm thinking about the future.  I want to work on creating a nice, comfortable life for son and myself and then finding ways to make money that fit in with that.  Lifestyle first, money second.  I'm still pondering the communal living idea and I think we might try it for a couple of years just to try it out.  If it's a nightmare than I'll know it's not for us and I can cross it off the list.  If it works well then that will be great.  But I feel less of a pressure to 'get it right'.  Feels like it's possible to just try it and it not be the end of the world if it doesn't work out.

[Hopalong]

Love every bit of this, Tupp!
Especially the real you, enjoying things you always did but haven't had time for.

How absolutely wonderful!

It's as though you (via the quarantine) have found out how to take SO much pressure off. The contrast must be delicious.

How you've deserved a break. Shame it took a pandemic, but I remember one thing you said about how the world needed to slow down so you could feel a part of it. I really connected with that, though I've been way less productive in basic ways.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Love every bit of this, Tupp!
Especially the real you, enjoying things you always did but haven't had time for.

How absolutely wonderful!

It's as though you (via the quarantine) have found out how to take SO much pressure off. The contrast must be delicious.

How you've deserved a break. Shame it took a pandemic, but I remember one thing you said about how the world needed to slow down so you could feel a part of it. I really connected with that, though I've been way less productive in basic ways.

Hugs
Hops

It has been a much needed break from the merry go round, hasn't it.  I don't want to get back on so I'm going to really work at finding ways to live in my own rhythm rather than having to join in with it all again.  Some people have missed it and want to get back in, some have no choice because of work but for us I think I'll be keeping a semi imposed lockdown indefinitely.  Or at least only going out if I really, really want to.  It has taken a lot of pressure off, hasn't it?  And I was thinking about how much pressure we're under - family pressure when younger (or older!) jobs and careers, kids and relationships, pressure to be a certain way because we're women and so on.  I do wonder how different the whole world would be if all the pressure went?  That would be interesting to think about some more.

I don't feel I've been very productive in basic ways lately (just getting through the day without having a nap has been too much!  Lol).  But then I wonder if that's another pressure?  Do you find that comes from somewhere else or is it more things that you want to do but don't get around to? xx

[Twoapenny]

I'm really tracking with you, Tupp. This enforced isolation has given me a lot of time to think as well and I think you are on to something.

I'm finding that I am having to take less over the counter pain meds throughout the day. My feet were in constant pain and now there's just none. I'm definitely more sedentary since I've been off work though, so that's what I need to work on. Not prepared to give up coffee though!!!

I spent a couple of years in an intentional community when the kids were younger. If there is a way for you to do a lot of visiting without committing to moving there, that might be a good first step. You might also see if anyone has written online about the community you are looking at. There is a wealth of information online these days, as you know. Sometimes some input from people who tried it and left can give you a better idea of its defining features.

I like your idea of delving into groups that fit your interests more. I realized that I had structured most of my social life around people who were raising kids the same age as mine. When they were raised and gone, there wasnt much else to hold those relationships together. Many of them are making my jaw drop at the stances they are taking on things like Trump and BLM. It's kind of amazing.

So encouraging to watch you relax and become more aware of what you want. You are a huge encouragement to me.

CB

And you are to me, CB, the parallels are amazing!  How did you find living in an intentional community?  There is one about an hour and a half from us that we've been to a few times as they hold Dance Church there (which obviously hasn't been running just lately).  They do open days and have an air bnb room you can rent as well so it would be fairly easy for me to spend some time there and get to know how it is a bit without having to express an interest (I'm kind of thinking you might get a clearer view if they don't know you might want to move in at some point).

My big thing is really not knowing if son would cope with people around, especially in a place like that one that is a real drop in centre for the local community.  Lots of people in and out doing different things.  It has a very hippy vibe; they're almost off grid but not quite (still some electric from the main grid but most self generated and they've got a bio mass boiler and woodburners for heat and hot water).  I do like what I've seen so far but am also aware that a fair few of the people in that area (it's quite well knows for being a town full of hippies!) were very into the whole 'covid conspiracy' stuff that was going around which kind of put me off a bit.  On the one hand it's unlikely (I hope!) that we'll go through a situation like this again but equally I think I'd have found it difficult to share housespace with people waffling on about Bill Gates and his master plan.

On the other hand, son might really benefit from being around other people, particularly men, and particularly as there's plenty of physical work to do there (chopping wood is an almost constant job apparently, and my boy does love an axe.  Lol).  And because there's a hippy vibe they're generally quite accepting of difference and I think less likely to struggle with his differences.  So yes, something to look into, I'd love to know what your experiences were?

Yes I definitely feel better than I usually do, much less pain and stiffness and my usual monthly headache hasn't put in an appearance - if that's buggered off I'll be very happy.  The osteopath called to say she's open again and I found I don't feel a need to go.  At the beginning of all this I wondered how on earth I'd cope without my regular treatments but it really all seems to have settled down on its own.  Son seems settled and relaxed as well.  I think we all just need to stay home lol.  I'm glad you're feeling better with it all.  And yes, almost all of my friends have been 'mums with other kids' and I just don't have an interest in shopping, boyfriend/husband drama and endless tales of what the kids are doing.  And yep, the racism.  I don't want or need to live in an echo chamber but for me racism is in the same bracket as sexual abuse and it's just a big no.  No argument will make me rethink that so I don't want to spend time, online or otherwise, with people who'd think less of me if my skin were darker. xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

How is the research into intentional communities coming along?

I'm interested in CB's opinions and experiences about that, as well.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

How is the research into intentional communities coming along?

I'm interested in CB's opinions and experiences about that, as well.

Lighter

I've done a bit, Lighter, but I'm being mindful of not being too much 'in my head' with it all.  We will need to visit places and not just the communities but spend time in the surrounding areas, have a look at any clubs or social events son might like, look at property prices locally (in case the commune idea is terrible and we need to move out eight weeks after we move in) and just generally do lots of research in 'real life', rather than me daydreaming on the internet (which I do a lot and am trying to cut right down on).  But currently I have a  list of 32 to look into in more detail, and I've highlighted four of those as they sounded as if they might be a really good match.  Some places are actually separate flats and houses but all either in the same building (large house converted into flats) or on the same piece of ground, with some communal spaces, so you have your own 'place' but are closely linked with your neighbours.  That might be a good option for us if living with assorted other people doesn't end up being such a good idea.  I'm just aware that son's noises and rocking motions might be difficult for other people - we're very used to it and some people don't pay any mind to it at all but others find it difficult so we'll have a good look round and I think they all have a week long stay period so that everyone can see if they feel happy or not.  It's nice to have it all there as an option.

My silver lining from yesterday was that I did the front garden and was able to do the whole garden really well and finish each job.  I don't usually have time so normally I'd just do the worst bit and everything else gets left.  But I stayed out there until it was finished and it was a really nice feeling of satisfaction.  I don't often get that xx

[lighter]

Hear! Hear!

To finishing satisfying jobs. 

Well done: )

YES, Tupp!

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I like the idea of a private flat within a community setting, maybe a communal dining/social hall and garden. Don't think I could cope with just a room or two in an unaltered house. But needs must, and some communal houses could work.

So neat to hear about the gardening, Tupp. Did you ever find any big bins to fill mostly with rock to make them too heavy to steal, and a top layer of dirt for flowers?

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I like the idea of a private flat within a community setting, maybe a communal dining/social hall and garden. Don't think I could cope with just a room or two in an unaltered house. But needs must, and some communal houses could work.

So neat to hear about the gardening, Tupp. Did you ever find any big bins to fill mostly with rock to make them too heavy to steal, and a top layer of dirt for flowers?

hugs
Hops

I think it might depend on the other people as to how much I feel I need my own space?  When I first left home I shared a flat with four other girls and it worked brilliantly because none of us were ever home at the same time.  It was almost like having your own place but at a fraction of the cost.  So I think a place where people are out and busy might work if my only private space was my bedroom (assuming it's a big room so I've space for a desk, maybe a small couch etc).  But the idea of a flat/apartment and shared spaces is very appealing.  I'm looking forward to exploring it in real life!

I've not done any more about big tubs for the garden just yet, Hopsie - it's on my list but quite near the bottom as I'm wanting to focus on some other things at the moment.  It does look pretty out the front right now, though, even with just the few bits I've got planted out there.  The lockdown means people aren't walking past all day and that's just made it all feel a lot calmer xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

This living situation journey you're on will be interesting.  Just remember.... one situation, with shared living space, might work very well with one group of people, yet be completely wrong with another.

Maybe the group is more important than the actually space?

Certainly a large part. 

Having a space to be alone, and really enjoy being in, will be a priority, as will the group.  I think there's going to be lots of balancing pros and cons, in any situation.

I trust you'll do what you have to do, in order to figure that out.  I'm so impressed with your long gaze.... looking down the road, if things don't work out.  You're not seeing any situation as THE answer.  No catastrophizing, just plan A and B and C. 

Amazing!

Lighter