After reading Sally's thread I just want to post some stuff about my father as I don't really talk about him too much. He didn't have anything to do with me you see. Well.... yes he lived in the house but he didn't really seeme, or speak to me. certainly never cuddled me or sat me on his knee. I used to find it strange as a kid as friends would have to ask their dads before they did anything. I always asked my mum. My dad had no interest.... he used to absorb himself in the TV.
Star Trek and old westerns were his favourite. I can remember one time when my mum left him for a couple of days. This was because I was arguing with my brother. He said "I think I'll just head South".... I started to dhout at him to , I don't know make him take charge or something. So he picked up the pressure cooker and started to smash up the kitchen...
i can remember when I was seven watching him sit astride my 11 year old brother, puching him the head and the body because he had failed his school exams. Don't think anyone cared if I passed mine or not. i can also remember as a little girl cutting my hand open to try and get some attention because my mum was taking my brother to see batman at the cinema. i was not allowed to go...
Sorry I know I'm rambling again, but i just have to put it somewhere. i went over to Spain when my dad was dying to sit with him. I was there when he died and I told him I loved him. I stood at the funeral.... I had no feelings the whole time and never have had. All I could think about at the funeral was the fact that my tights were falling down...
WHen people I know talk about there relationships with their fathers I have absolutely no understanding of what that must be like. To go near my father repelled me. My mother used to also tell me stories of how spoit he was and how she had always done everything for him. I found out just before he died that he had been married before to a bigamist with whom he had two sons. Apparently the day this womans other husband returned from the war. she left my father and took their two sons. he has never seen them since. My mother paid the maintenance and they were never ever mentioned in our house. My brother still has no knowledge of this.
The more I think about this the more I realise that it must have impacted on my relationships with men somehow.... How do I know anything about them... That is maybe why I have always been looking for that fantasy man who will save me and treasure me and look after me... I never seem to find him though.... only men who have problems...
Spyralle x
