Thank you Brigid and Mum,
I didn't call, didn't e-mail. I re-read his to me, though, and shed some tears. It's hard to feel responsible for this pain. I don't think he would have left me, but his behavior almost made it certain that I would leave him. It's almost deja vu, because my ex-husband did the same thing. Then, he could blame me for the divorce, especially to the children.
It's kind of ironic. I thought about ending this relationship earlier, but didn't want to cause BF any pain. How stupid is that? I doubt he's feeling much discomfort today. He can tell everyone that I dumped him, that I did the normal woman thing and tried to control him, but he wouldn't go for it so I left him.
It's been a very rough three years. I learned, like Brigid, that my x-husband was not the man I thought he was. He was using porn, going to strip clubs, some infidelity, all the while acting like a sweet, gentle man. His passive aggressiveness drove me nuts, though, and I started to suspect something was seriously wrong before it all hit the fan. The divorce and aftermath was brutal, and of course, I will be dealing with him for many, many years since our youngest is 10.
I also learned I have thyroid disease, lost an unbelievable amount of money due to the divorce and my x's irresponsibility, and was in a car accident that left me with a neck injury. I'm still dealing with the insurance company over that. Plus, I have a 19 year old daughter who is mentally ill (she lives with my x), and I have the challenges of caring and supporting the 5 younger kids. I do get some child support, but it doesn't cover even half our needs. X is filing for bankruptcy and not paying his share of the kids medical bills. I know he's in contempt, but at this point, it would cost more to go after him than what I would probably recover and the kids would really have a hard time dealing with the conflict. I've also had to make some car payments to save my credit as the bank refuses to take me off the loan for a car he owns.
Sometimes it just seems like too much. I'm exhausted.
I know, though, that I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm not going bankrupt. I got out of the marriage as quickly as I could when I realized xh was going nuts financially and emotionally tied to another woman, and am OK that way as a result. While I don't have a well developed career, I do have a good education so have options. For now, I can work at home and can almost meet our financial needs. My health is not great due to the thyroid disease, but I eat well and exercise, so am in decent shape. Hopefully, this neck injury will eventually have less impact on me.
I've got to stay positive, but I also think I need some time to collapse. I met BF when I was still reeling from the divorce, so I've never had time to just take stock and rest as much as possible. So much of my energy went to that relationship.
It's hard not to ask myself, "How could I be so stupid?" "Why didn't I pay attention to all the red flags?"
I realize that, at the core of all of this, is a very low self-esteem. It's kind of silly, really, because I know I have a lot of good skills and have some accomplishments I can be proud of. But, this is deeper. It's how I feel about myself at the core of my being. It's a willingness to be mistreated.
I'm going to start to filter everything through a question one of you asked, "What if this was your daughter?" I need to care for myself as much as I care for my children.
BF never wanted to have anything to do with my children. Because we lived so far away from each other, it was easy to accomodate that. We always spent time together when the children were with my x. He didn't even meet most of them until a few months ago. But, I didn't really want the kids to be around him that much anyway. I thought they would see that he was not someone that I should be involved with.
Right now I'm experiencing waves of grief. It's not just the stiuation with BF, it's what has happened to my family, and all that faces me in the future.
Gail