Thought Experiment for healing

[ann3]

WHERE do WE find them(lol)?
 We have to be "ripe for the picking" and THAT is what we are working on(lol)
 GS, I am trying to see to the roots of what you are talking about. Why  do we repeat and keep the same patterns?

Ami,
ROTFLMAO!!   

Yeah, where, why, how do we find 'em????!!!!!!

Yup, agree, we were (but no longer are) ripe for the pickin.

Ann told me that I had to renounce the beliefs I took from her and then replace them with what God thought of me. We went down the list and renounced each one and replaced it with what God thought of me.
 I do feel a little less oppressed ,now. I feel a little more hopeful.

Ami, this sounds really good.  I bet this is sooo hard for you to absorb and swallow all this, especially due to the grief.  Grief makes so many things harder to do.  Do what you can at your own pace.  Hey, it's great you stood up for yourself and said 'I need a break', that's wonderful. But, I really like what your Ann said.  Keep on keepin on, you go girl.

 The fact that Ann saw my M as so bad felt bad, not good. It makes me feel more hopeless to change, rather than affirmed.That is one of my strongholds that I will never be OK b/c she is so bad.

Ami, I know this feeling:  made me feel like a hopeless freak.  But, evetually, I accepted what my NM did to me and am trying to heal. So, please try not to feel stymied by our feelinings of freaky, hopeless aloneness.  We can over come and move forward if we want to do so.

w/ love,
ann

[Gaining Strength]

The fact that Ann saw my M as so bad felt bad, not good. It makes me feel more hopeless to change, rather than affirmed.That is one of my strongholds that I will never be OK b/c she is so bad.

Oh my heavens!  you have told me that you felt hopeless because she was so bad but I did not fully process it.  I simply projected onto you what my feelings would have been.  All my life I was sort of saying, "Look how mean they are to me." and noone would pay any attention.  But your experience is quite different.  You feel that because she was such a bad mother that you don't have a chance to change.  I am so sorry.  What a terrible feeling.

I am glad you have Ann to help you work though this stronghold and I am glad that you can at least see intellectually that this is not true.  I know shewill help you to overcome this stronghold.  I suspect you are experiencing some grief about it tonight.

I love the work you're doing.  Keep on keepin on.  You go girl.
Thank you Ann3.  I am eager for the next step to see the real changes in action.

BTW - what is ROTFLMAO!!

Phoenix Rising
If you notice yourself shaming yourself - you can stop that. Yes, yes, yes!!!!
(Admittedly, this takes practice to "perfect"). I am practicing, you can bet on that!
Your stronger boundaries will help protect you from someone else shaming you. That thought is very, very helpful and reassuring.  Thank you so much!!!

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  You did not make me feel badly. One of MY strongholds is that I can never be OK b/c I had a M like mine. I am permamently damaged b/c of her.
 ROTFL is rolling on the floor laughing. The rest I don't know.
 Thinking of you, GS     Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I am permamently damaged b/c of her.

This is how I am editing this statement for you: I am permamently  temporarily damaged b/c of her.

[Ami]

You are sweet, GS!!!         Love    Ami

[ann3]

ROTFLMAO

rolling on the floor laughing my a$$ off

[Ami]

I like that, Ann!!!!!                       Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I am in a very interesting place this morning.  It is "inbetween" the fear and the fact.  Mornings have always been the worst for me.  I wake and slide immediately into anxiety.  This morning as I woke, my mind began the list of things that need to be done and THEN (there was actually a discernable gap) I began to feel the fear start to wash over me.  I called out in my mind and claimed the peace and rejected the fear.  Oddly enough I immediately recognized how uncomfortable that new feeling was.  While I hate the paralyzing old feeling the new one is not comfortable and out of that zone of recognition I almost found myself drifting back into the fear place.  This will be my concentration today: holding onto the fear free zone.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I am with you(in thought and prayer) as you move to a higher level, which IS your true place,with God.    Love    Ami

[Ami]

Thinking of you, today.GS. I have some new things to tell you about from Ann, about how to switch our identity from the one our N parents gave us to the one God sees . It is really powerful!                   Love    Ami

[Leah]

Thinking of you, today.GS. I have some new things to tell you about from Ann, about how to switch our identity from the one our N parents gave us to the one God sees . It is really powerful!                   Love    Ami

Hi Ami,

I have been following your progress, along with GS, during the last couple of days postings, and truly, I have been so blessed.

Looking forward to your posting regarding Ann's insight, with much interest.

Love to you, and GS

Leah xx

[Gaining Strength]

I am ready to learn how to do that Ami. 

I had a mixed day and bet that will be true for a while.  I am definitely putting everything into changing my thoughts and overcoming these difficult barriers that I have lived with for so long.  Each day I get even more insight into their origins and how they effect my every thought and every move.  I am noticing a slight reduction in the anxiety.  That in its self is very welcomed.

Fear and anxiety have been my constant companions my entire life.  I heard an interesting man talk today about children who grow up in abusive or neglectful families experience a constant pumping of adreniline which in effect causes malformation of many of the cognitive functions of the brain, inhibiting mature social responces and functioning.  This made perfect sense to me.  I am so looking forward to getting out of the adreniline business.

[Gaining Strength]

I realized this morning that this "breakthrough" that I am experiencing is a process, a painful, but good, significant and wonderful but slow process.

Last night I set my alarm - most unusual - because my child had to be at school at 6:45 for a field trip.  I awoke before my 5am alarm was to go off and tossed and turned until 5:45.  When I got up my watch said 3:45.  So back to sleep or rest.  During this fitful period and subsequent sleep I had several powerful images - some dream images and some thought images. 

In One of the dream images I am in a room - it's at a backwoods sort of inexpensive mountain camping lodge in which the rooms have walls of unfinished, rough wood and some sort of neutral shag carpeting while the interior had strong accent colors of a pretty, vibrant red - comfortable - far from elegant.  I heard the thunder and looked out of the window and saw my hanging bag with all my clothes lieing on top of the car.  I was completely immobilzed by shame - unable to do anything about the situation.  Unable to dress and go bing the clothes in, unable to call for help.

Suddenly I knew how completely immobilizing my fathers constant humiliation of me has been.  Instances like this, which make no sense, completely constricted me from action, simple action.  But I could not act.   

Remarkably this simple dream image has been so illuminating to me about how I became so completely immobilized in my life.  If his humiliation could paralyze me in a simple, harmless, situation where there were no onlookers and no shamers then no wonder I have been shamed into paralysis over issues that often evoke judgement. 

This has been such a long, painful journey to get to this understanding.  I will be so thankful when I am able to move out from underneath.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I have so much I want to say on this thread. I am going out and will write  later.    Love    Ami

(((GS))))

[Gaining Strength]

I've spent some time with this image this morning.  I have gotten some clarity.  In fact that is exactly what this image has given me - clarity.  I see what this shame has done, where it came from and how it has imprisoned me for so long. 

One metaphor I have used over the years to describe my life has been that I have been driving through life with my brakes on.  Well, my brakes are this extreme shame/humiliation imparted primarily by my father. 

In this room when I revisit I see what is going on and it is like taking my foot off the brake.  That feels great but I am not able to leave the room and go on about my life, I am not able to put my foot back on the accelertor.  It's not ideal but it is  tremendous progress over where I have been. 

It is a peaceful place and that is great. 

Needless to say - I want out.  I want to drive forward without the brakes.