My boyfriend is a flirt

[Lupita]

Thank you so much, dear friends, for all your advises. I am looking forward to read more of your thoughts.

Today is Tuesday. We are supposed to be together tonight at his house. He fixes my lunch for the next day and leaves my lunch bag ready. We practice tango and watch TV. He next morning he fixes coffee for me and says good bye to me at the drive way.
Well, he just called and said that he needs to spend more time with his daughter because she does not want to go to college after all the money they have spent. She is 24. She is too old to be convinced of what to do. But he said that we will not see each other again. Now, two days in a row.

First time in four months and a half.

I do not know if the daughter is trying to be an obstacle between us, or he does not want to see me, or I do not know what the heck is going on. All I can do is wait. If tomorrow he does it again, then I will yell at him so loud that he will repent of all his sins.

Yes, I do not feel comfortable with his behavior. Although his behavior has improved a lot, I feel very paranoid with him at moments. I did not feel this with anybody else.

My mother of course. But, he causes me a lot of stomach ache, and fear. He has never done anything bad to me, but he causes me fear.

I do not understand why. He is not omnipotent, he is just another human being. I am dehumanizing him. He is human. I am giving him powers that he does not have. He has to have feelings like mine. Why I do not feel him as another human? Why do I feel that he knows everybody and that he has plans to set me up in trouble or in the spot? Why do I have the feeling that he plans things to make me feel bad?

He does not have the time to plan things to make me feel bad. That is ridiculous. But I still feel that.

Maybe, he has a little of ambivalence unconsciously because of attention need because of issues from his past, but he has demonstrated that he loves me.

Maybe there is a little of mischievous in him and that little is magnify in my sick mind.
I never felt this bad with a man. And this man is better than what my husband was. My husband was abuser , terribly abusive, extremely abusive of me and my little baby too, abusive of his own blood and flesh, abusive of a defenseless little baby, and this man never abused his children. His wife cheated on him, she is still living with the lover that caused the divorce. Still, my ex husband was a monster and I did not feel that bad with him. This man is, the worst case scenario, a flirt, with need of attention because of a bad father and a narcissistic mother. Yet, he gives me the krips. Stomach contractions, as if something bad is going to happen. He does something that triggers my feelings. He does something that triggers my feelings. I still do not know what of all he odes triggers my feelings. Lack of assurance, lack of support. When I am upset he tells “stop it”! yelling. He does not understand feelings. He was mistreated. His mother did to him the same my mother did to me. His mother made his father bit him every day. My mother made my father mad at me and punish me and bit me too.

We are very happy when alone. When women around is when we start having problems. Much of them have diminished a great deal during this time.

Help me reach a wise and clear thinking. I do not want to make a decision right now. Just to think clearly so I can make a decision in the near future.

Love to you all.

Please, keep helping me.

For

[Lupita]

For some reason, he makes me feel very bad, almost all the time. Why dont I have the courrage to be alone again? He makes me feel unworth it. why if he does nice tthings, why does he make me feel so bad? just his desire to dance with other women in public, in class, makes me feel bad, i felt pushed away these last two days, I feel that yesterday was unnecessary to push me away he did necausebecause he is a AH, because he wnated to make me fel bad.

[Ami]

Give him space ,Lupita. You will push him away if you become a noose around his neck.                                                        Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,

It sounds as though you're struggling to figure out which are your dependent feelings (make me feel totally safe--a little bit like fusion, which no other human can or should do for you) and which might be sensible emotional precautions, if he's actually a Lothario.

And some of it's just...Latin males? I don't know, but I wonder if it's also a cultural thing?

You've described a lot of good, kind, caring behavior. That's good for getting old together, for sure.

It's tough to know. But have faith without panic that you will figure it out.

Sometimes two bruised people build something lovely together. Sometimes they pull each other under. That's what time is for (see "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills, PhD). Read it again.

Could you ask yourself, MOST of the time do I feel safe and cared for?

I don't think his interactions with his ex-wife or daughter should be any cause for conflict. To me, that would seem like an unhealthy possessiveness. He has a right to connections with the people that are very important in his life, and it doesn't mean he's "in love" or doing something inappropriate with his ex. But if they share a child, he has a right to communicate with her at times, without shame or tension. It's better for all of you. And his child has a right to her father, just as your son does to you. Unless something really unusual's going on there, I'd really suggest not displaying anything but calm good wishes, about that side of his life. Let him see and talk with them when he needs to. You don't want to become a competitor there, but be a mature woman who just understands that with children and a past, there will be some presence in his life.

The dance and flirting stuff--I don't know. Would be a shame for it to sink you if it's harmless.

I am glad my life isn't built around dance! (Two left feet.)

love to you,
Hops

[Lupita]

Hey, Hops, where did you get the idea that he was latin? I never said he was. He is american, white, gringo. LOL No pffense, just joking, but he certainly behaves like latin. Blue eyes, white skin.

He does not speak Spanish. Just my englsihs keeps us alive.

Why does he make me feel bad? Do I feel inferior? Does he make me feel inferior? What odes he do that make me feel inferior?

Last Friday, we went to class. When the teacher said switch partners, please, he desappear to take the prettiest girl, tall, russian, blonde, beautiful face, who by the wau happens to be a good person and nice to me. I felt sad, but I thought, it does not hurt to dance a little with somebody else.

My surprice, he did not changed to me when that section ended, he stayed with her. He thinks I am a piece of furniture that he uses after he is satisfied with others, then when she did not want to dance with him anymore, then he turned to me. I ignored him and went to the bathroom and stayed there for 15 min. When I came out of the bathroom I sat down and crossed my arms.

[Lupita]

Then he finally remembered that I am his partner. He came to me and I was so pissed off that I could not pretend. I told him that I felt like a second hand object, that I knew that if Russian girl was interested in him he would not be with me. He said I was fu*&ed up in the head. I knew that he was wanting to be with that woman for a long time. I know, if she was interested on him, I do not know what would happen. I would like to feel secure.
Am I being ridiculous? His behavior would give me that peace. It does not.

Our last fight was for the check to check thing, after our big fight he promised that he was not going to do it. That day of the fight, he danced chick to chick with one of my friends. I saw the video of the class, and he was hiding from the camera, he knew he was doing something wrong. But the camera caught some of his behavior.

This friend said that she withdrew her face from him when she saw me and she told me that she felt very bad, and that she would never do it again. That day he broke up with me.

You know how we got back together. But that shows me that he is snicky. He does things at his convenience and I am starting to believe that he is an N because he gets mad and he punishes me when I do not guess what he wants.

Yesterday, Tuesday we were supposed to get together. He called me in the morning and asked me at what time I was coming over. I said I would prefer to get together t my house. Later he called me and told me he would not come because of his daughter. He lte me know so late that I cannot plan anything else. Same on Monday, he let me know so late that I could not do anything else.

He did not changed the clock the other day and I got late to church, he wants me to quit the church. I got late for my walk in my walking club. He did it in purpose. I think.

He makes me paranoid. Why do I feel paranoid with him? What does he do that triggers so many bad feelings in me? Why do I continue to be with him if I am so unhappy

[Ami]

Lupita
 The HARD thing about our backgrounds(FOO) is that the old FEELS present and real so we do not know what is present and what is past.
 The only way out is to talk in a real way with the person.
 So, what you could do is say" *I* feel so insecure when it seems you want to be with the Russian more than me. I feel so afraid like when my mother used to degrade and humiliate me.
 I had very little love and love is very precious to me.
 Please be honest with me.
 Do you WANT to be with her over me?"


                                                           Ami




                   

[lighter]

well, Lupe.

It's certainly possible that another N found you my dear.

It's also possible that you're overreacting.

What does your gut tell you?

Really?

[CB123]

Lupe,

I have done what you are doing.  I dont know about you, but I am a mess.  I have been wounded by someone I gave my whole life too and, who knows, maybe the scar will always be there.  But I struggle (its better now) with this kind of stuff.  Every comment is momentous.  Every perceived slight is the end of the world.   

Here's what I have learned.  I am much much better.  First, no one can make me feel inferior.  I know you've heard that before--many times.  But you may be about to really learn it.  In your heart of hearts. 

I am in charge of my feelings of worth.  I am not going to give that charge to someone else--even if they want it.

Second of all--it is impossible for me to read someone else's mind.  No matter what they are doing, I cannot know their motivation.  And I dont need to.  They can have the purest motivation in the world, but if it is damaging to me (truly damaging) then I need to put distance between me and them.  There is absolutely no point in trying to iron out their motivation, or guess it.  It doesnt matter. 

Third, you can never, ever change someone.  If he secretly prefers the Russian girl, then you cant argue him into something different, or fold your arms across your chest, or scrutinize the video.  If he prefers her, he prefers her.  I dont know if you can tell that is true by what has happened so far--but if it's true, you cant do anything about it. 

And, finally, sometimes the tension is because you two have simply moved too quickly in the relationship.  Maybe staying at his house 4-5 times a week is too much.  Maybe you need to give more buffer in your relationship, allow it to progress more slowly.  Dont let the physical expression of commitment get ahead of the actual emotional commitment.  It will mess with your head. 

Bottom line, give yourself time and space to allow this relationship to blossom--if it iis going to. 

Love you, Lupita, CB

[lighter]

::raising hand:: 

I agree with CB.

More time and more space.

4 or 5 nights at his house a night sounds like too much together time.

Just say'in.

Mo2

[Hopalong]

I get it, Lupe, he's a WANNABE Latin.

I agree with everyone, too fast, too close, too enmeshed.

Couples counseling?

I actually did that in a dating relationship once. It was helpful.
We wound up not staying together but the parting was so much more dignified and kind because we had done a few sessions together (about his controlling ironically).

I wish I had more answers foryou.

I know Judith Sills does.

love
Hops

[Ami]

CB---you have managed to get a lot of wisdom. Maybe , there is hope for me .It seems like what you did was to TRUST yourself. Am I right:to honor your feelings as if you were worth something.                     Ami

[Lupita]

Every comment is momentous.  Every perceived slight is the end of the world.  
 But you may be about to really learn it.  In your heart of hearts.  It is the sensation of powerlessness. Once I feel there is nothing I can do I get to the victim mode. So, vulnerable. Start running. I have lost the best opportunities of my life because or running. I am really running away of my mother, or better said the feelings that my mothers triggers in me even she is in another country thousands of miles away.




They can have the purest motivation in the world, but if it is damaging to me (truly damaging) then I need to put distance between me and them.  There is absolutely no point in trying to iron out their motivation, or guess it.  It doesnt matter.   Yesterday we went dancing. Salsa, bachata and merengue. There is one guy that always comes to sit with us and tells me, all relationships end. You cannot rely on one person. It will end anyway. He tells me that all the time. I tell him, M was married for 30 years. He can have long time relationships. He laughs. I think he really desires that M brakes up with me.  I told M what he does and he said “ so what” I said, he makes me feel bad, and M said “so what” I said, if I had a friend who makes you feel bad I would not want him or her to be around us. He changed the subject.
I also suggested that we get together with other couples instead with his old friends a bunch of single desperate women. He did not say anything. He keeps me away from his friends who are couples. I will do my effort to get together with other couples. M likes to be surrounded by single women. Last night we sat alone at our table. A man invited me to dance and I said I am waiting for M. When M came said that I should have danced with him. He said that it does not hurt in salsa. I guess he has accepted that in tango we are not sharing. Not in the formal dancing, just in the classes and no chick to chick. He has not done chick to chick since our last fight two weeks ago. But he wants me to dance so he can dance too with others.



Third, you can never, ever change someone.  If he secretly prefers the Russian girl, then you cant argue him into something different, or fold your arms across your chest, or scrutinize the video.  If he prefers her, he prefers her.  I dont know if you can tell that is true by what has happened so far--but if it's true, you cant do anything about it.  

And, finally, sometiHe behaved so wonderfully last night. I could not believe it. We are going dancing tonight too. In the name of God, let us see how he behaves.

This is our 5th month together. I am on spring brake now. We will spend a lot of time together.


I totally agree with that. But he allows it. I do not know if it is him or me or both. I think it is both of us. Because yesterday before we went dancing I made my temper tantrum, which was not really a temper tantrum, I was feeling bad in reality, not pretending, and he brought me a coffeemaker and I said I did not want it. He put it back in his car. And  did not hold his hand on the way to the nightclub, and I did not hug him when he arrived. But he did not fight. As soon as we danced the first piece I melted in his arms. Dancing has a wonderful power on the soul and the mood and the brain. Gosh, I enjoy dancing with him. We finished the night all in love and wonderful moods. So, he also wants me, I am not imposing my presence to him, he is doing his part for us to be together. So, we both are f&*#ed up in the head.

It would be nice to have counseling. I do not think he would go.

CB you are amazing.

Thank you Hops MO2 Ami,  for all your advises and opinions. I really need you.

mes the tension is because you two have simply moved too quickly in the relationship.  Maybe staying at his house 4-5 times a week is too much.  Maybe you need to give more buffer in your relationship, allow it to progress more slowly.  Dont let the physical expression of commitment get ahead of the actual emotional commitment.  It will mess with your head.  

[Lupita]

I think that the onlt way to have peace is not to worry about him. He enojoys playing with my mind and I give him the pleasure. I need not to worry and it has to show, that I donot worry.

That will keep him in place. If I only could control my thoguts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to control my thoguths.

Thank you friends. Please, keep talking to me. I come everyday looking forward for your words.

Love you all.

[seastorm]

What a big heart you have. Full of passion and warmth.  I have been following your relationship with this fellow and I am speechless at the emotional risks you are taking. Could ya just guard your big, loving heart a little?????

Maybe he is ok and you are working through where to draw the line and where to move forward. He does such lovely things for you and then behaves like he is distancing himself.  Basically the healthy thing to do about this is to say WHO CARES! 
Examining his every move is driving you to distraction.  Where did your life go?  I mean the one you need to have at all times with or without him.  You sound like you have taken a very strong love drug and it is taking over.

This is easy for me to say because I am not in your shoes. But as someone who cares I agree with five nights a week being too much. Too much because you sound like you are losing yourself and giving this guy way too much power in influencing how you feel about yourself and the world.

Hugs to you Lupita,

Sea storm