My brother and just life and stuff

[Meh]

I called my father because he now has $800.00 worth of my personal belongings.

Pretty much he wanted to tell me his stupid justification for now owning my stuff which I bought brand new. I told him he could have gone out and gotten his own stuff.

I started yelling on the phone at him I called him a piece if sheet. He said I was being verbally abusive.....ah duh....
I really want him to go away, I don't like him.

It only confirms to me that it was true that I was voiceless when I was growing up. My voice never mattered.

Now so many years down the road all I could really do was listen to my own voice talking louder than his during this "conversation".

Basically if he wants something he is just going to be a slime bag about it.

I need to go turn the microwave on again. Be back in a few.

[Meh]

I just can't keep composure having to talk with him.

I'm not happy with him having my stuff and any respectful person would respect that. But he doesn't.

I frequently think about just cutting losses now in life. Though some how I am finding myself in situations where I feel like there are numerous situations where there are "losses" and at some point I don't want to have the feeling of losses any longer. Literally losing money.

I'm angry.

I'm also tired.

I felt like the further I got away from him the more "progress" I was making because I feel better when I don't have to deal with him. It's 100% conflict and his warped universe. Now here he is again and now it's costing me money on top of it.

It just never goes away ever. My parents initially must have recognized some kind of mutual mental illness in each other and therefore found some affinity in each other long ago.

Why am I still dealing with it?

There were no real "relationships" in my family that healthy adults have. I mean I would say it was nothing but manipulation from every person's part. manipulative relationships --not the same as real interpersonal relationships

God just let it be over already

I feel like I can never be who I want to be. I don't want to be defined by something from the past.

[Meh]

I'm awake drinking instant coffee, trying to get motivated to surf craigslist. It's almost 7 AM. I am sitting cross legged on the floor and have the country station on.

Oh that reminds me I need to make an email about my prescription if that is the one thing I do today Halleluja however that is spelled.

[Hopalong]

Sometimes country music just says it ALL.
I'm sorry you're feeling bleak.

Here's my all-time favorite for you, Bean...moved me so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr_IqxxaLs0

xo
Hops

[Meh]

Hi Hops, I never saw this person perform on AGT.

That is pretty cool, kind of weird how humorous the audience thought he was considering there are an awful lot of "rednecks" in this world.

[Meh]

I got through my work day

I made it home

I am getting emails from my mother about my father being in possession of my stuff so now my father and mother are teamed up I guess now that my brother is dead, a rather new alliance there

Trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day

Wondering if I can come up with some kind of "plan" for the future

[Meh]

Going to do errands and shop inefficiently on my Sunday off of work.

[Meh]

My shopping was not very eventful. Still haven't gotten "winter-wear".

Instead I screwed around in the dollar store, bought some tinsel garlands and just got finished wrapping them together in spirals to make them twist of two colors.

My inner child loves tinsel LOL--no for real she really does. Now I have an issue with glitter on the floor. I better clean it up.

[Meh]

Another day, just time going by. Working and nothing else.

[Twoapenny]

I called my father because he now has $800.00 worth of my personal belongings.

Pretty much he wanted to tell me his stupid justification for now owning my stuff which I bought brand new. I told him he could have gone out and gotten his own stuff.

I started yelling on the phone at him I called him a piece if sheet. He said I was being verbally abusive.....ah duh....
I really want him to go away, I don't like him.

It only confirms to me that it was true that I was voiceless when I was growing up. My voice never mattered.

Now so many years down the road all I could really do was listen to my own voice talking louder than his during this "conversation".

Basically if he wants something he is just going to be a slime bag about it.

I need to go turn the microwave on again. Be back in a few.

Ah, Green.  My mum did something similar, with jewellery of mine that she had for safe keeping and then denied having.  It was all about control and mind games.  I walked away from it.  For me, the most powerful weapon in the fight against 'them' was silence - to completely ignore, not to respond to anything, not to interact in any way shape or form.  I haven't always managed to do it.  Sometimes I've been so angry I've let rip.  But on the whole I've acted like they don't exist.  ((((((((((((((((((((((Green))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Meh]

I should sleep just surfing the net

[Meh]

Just another day going to work, eating a TV dinner in my room etc.

[sKePTiKal]

The part of me that has some emotional feeling about my father is a little kid/child part of the emotional life that is too naïve to know any better.

It's not a priority in my life

Those little kids sometimes deserve the time and attention, to listen to them - and hear what's important to them. Sometimes, they've kept secrets for a very, very long time and it's not fair when they're really in pain. When the little ones are ourselves, we can truly help them and free them and care for them, the way they needed to be cared for. Mostly they need to know someone cares about them. It can be enough that we care for ourselves, when we were/are that little girl.

I feel kinda like I'm buttin here... so feel free to tell me to get lost, OK? You've kinda triggered my busybody "mom" gene... LOL!

I'm worried about your new living arrangement. Trust your intuition on that, OK? I really think you need a "safe" place. Safe from... whatever it is that is causing your panic attacks. You're really smart, so I know you'll figure that out for yourself. But, if you can find a place that's safe enough to listen to that little one -- she will help keep you company, and you might not feel so lonely (and vice versa) -- and I'll bet you a box of donuts and a starbucks, that she'll also be a great friend and partner in your endeavors.

Big hug, green bean!! Just because.

[Meh]

Today I slept longer than I wanted to just so I wouldn't wake my room mates up now I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my morning/day.

Literally like I will probably spend the day trying to tidy up and figure out what to do with the day.
 
Oh well I have things I need to get done instead of going out everyday.

[Meh]

My day at work was pretty good today.