Daughter in law

[Gaining Strength]

Lupita, I'm so glad you have that precious baby to love.

[Lupita]

Oh, honey. I do understand. I'm sorry I'm so blunt.


And he, clearly, very clearly, has told you exactly what he wants you to do.

He wants you to NOT comment. So that's why I vote No Comment (from you, about her--evermore).

At the same time, another thing occurs to me... if you are distressed and upset and destabilized by being around her behavior, well there's an opportunity to set healthy boundaries for YOURSELF. You have no obligation to sit there passively and quiescent while you observe abusive behavior.

But rather than taking it up with your SON (which distresses him, obviously) -- you can just speak about YOURSELF. Your OWN well being. For example (and take this with a grain of salt because I've had a beer):

I love you all so much. But I'm going to have to take a break (go outside, not be available this week), because when you ARGUE/BICKER/CRITICIZE EACH OTHER I find I feel so upset that I can't enjoy being with my grandbaby. Please call me next week...I would love to babysit. But I just need a break from this tension. I can help and support you two but not when it's affecting my happiness. Please let me know when thing are calm and you can talk to each other respectfully.

This is what I can use, and thank you Hop ofr the time you took to write.

I have no obligation to witness this abuse.

In fact, I did it on my own. I baby sat on Thursday and she was bitching me and make me give him a bath when I did not want to. So the following day I arrived just in time for her to leave. That way she cannot give me orders.  And she did not. She just left.


Thank you for your positive vibration GS.

[lighter]

Hey Lupita:

You chose well.

Showing up right before the DIL leaves is better than showing up early, so she can boss you around, and create trouble.

Remember to stay focused on your joy, and to do your best to have the relationship YOU want with DIL, son, and that beautiful grandson of yours.  I hate it when negative people rub off on me, and train ME.  Sometimes you have to shake your head, and change the way you're thinking to get out of that negativity. It helps if I ask myself....
"I wonder what happened to that person to make them behave that way."  Then I thank God I'm having a better day, and keep moving, bc our altitude is determined a good deal from our attitude. 

Your grandson is learning from everyone in his life, and this is your opportunity to help him learn how to deal with stress, and problem solving.  He's watching all the adults, and learning from them all the time.  What will you model for him?

Give that little crumb cruncher a hug for me....

I do love babies; )

Light

[Hopalong]

(What Lighter said. Wow.)

And you're very welcome, ((((Lupita)))).

love
Hops

[Lupita]

I am so mad and so disappointed!!!!!!

He told me today that he was not able to make it. She found an excuse for every date the counselor offered. He said that we will have a meeting after the trip. I said:
"Dont count on me" I wont do it. That was my condition.

I think she knows she is in the wrong.

Now what? If they find somebody else or they just dont go they are going to blame me.

I feel just in front of my mother. When I finally feel free from my mother's power I start giving my power to someone else.

I have to be able to be happy even if there is a problem.

[BonesMS]

I am so mad and so disappointed!!!!!!

He told me today that he was not able to make it. She found an excuse for every date the counselor offered. He said that we will have a meeting after the trip. I said:
"Dont count on me" I wont do it. That was my condition.

I think she knows she is in the wrong.

Now what? If they find somebody else or they just dont go they are going to blame me.

I feel just in front of my mother. When I finally feel free from my mother's power I start giving my power to someone else.

I have to be able to be happy even if there is a problem.

Sometimes the best thing to do, for yourself, is what I learned in Al-Anon ... detach with love.  You can't force people to get the help until they WANT the help.  He has the option of going on his own ... if HE WANTS IT.  If he thinks/feels that he doesn't want it, then no one can force him.  He has to decide when he's sick and tired of the entire mess.

[Lupita]

Thank you Bones for your words.

I am very upset. All the attempts done to have the appointment have been destroyed by her. For every appointment she finds a pretext. I am so sorry for my son. So, it seems thay might get somebody else to take care of the dogs. This is not the first time I cannot help my son. I am powerless. I am so disappointed. I have tried so hard to gte this woman to like me. I even babysit ofr her to go out with her friends, just to make her happy. But nothing seems to work.

[BonesMS]

Thank you Bones for your words.

I am very upset. All the attempts done to have the appointment have been destroyed by her. For every appointment she finds a pretext. I am so sorry for my son. So, it seems thay might get somebody else to take care of the dogs. This is not the first time I cannot help my son. I am powerless. I am so disappointed. I have tried so hard to gte this woman to like me. I even babysit ofr her to go out with her friends, just to make her happy. But nothing seems to work.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, nothing works.  I have a similar situation with some relatives who love to put the "fun" in DYSFUNCTIONAL.  I've come to realize that no matter what I do, or don't do, no matter what I say, or don't say, this bunch of relatives are always to consider me as the dirt under their feet ... so I decided I was not going to waste my time and energy on them anymore.  I've found better and more fun things to do without them and let the situation go.  Turning myself into a pretzel just wasn't worth the aggravation.

[Lupita]

Well, it seems that I am powerless. They decided to pay somebody else to take care of the dogs. They do not need me. So they do not have to get a counselor and there is nothing I can do. In the name of God.

She got mad at me on Thursday night and wanted to talk to me. I said that I could not talk to her unless there was porfessional help. She continued and raised her voice. I said, you see, you cannot control your impulses. And that is why we cannot talk without help. Hope that, that make her eager to accept help.

For now I have to leave it in the name of God. Tonight I will baby sit but will get there late enough that she cannot boss me around.

[lighter]

Well, it seems that I am powerless. You have power over yourself, Lupita.  To think you have power over anyone else isn't useful.They decided to pay somebody else to take care of the dogs. No.  You layed out a boundary, and followed through with consequences when they tried to weasel out, and stomp your boundaries into the dirt.  I think that's progress. They do not need me. Ummmmm, you'Ｒｅ going to babysit tonight.  It's free babysitting. Everyone needs free babysitting.So they do not have to get a counselor and there is nothing I can do. In the name of God.  You can stay calm, keep communicating the way you want them to communicate with you, and have a relationship with your grandson.  I wouldn't threaten to stop babysitting if they don't see a counselor with you, but it's not like you have zero power as long as they need you for babysitting.  That looks sad to read, Lupita.  Do you think your son and DIL would cut you out of their lives if you don't let the DIL pick fights, and jerk you around?  It's normal to stop sujecting yourself

She got mad at me on Thursday night and wanted to talk to me. I said that I could not talk to her unless there was porfessional help. She continued and raised her voice. I said, you see, you cannot control your impulses. You can tell her that you won't have a discussion with her if she's going to raise her voice, name call, or change the subject before settling an issue.  You can say you're going to remove yourself from the situation for X amount of time, and will be willing to reengage after that, but only if she can follow those rules, which are reasonable, and appropriate.  You deserve to be treated respectuflully, nad since you're willing to be respectful, it's a boundary DIL will have to respect, or she sees less of you.  Maybe it works out that you take the baby to your place, on a regular basis, and you just see very little of the DIL if she can't control herself? And that is why we cannot talk without help. Hope that, that make her eager to accept help.

For now I have to leave it in the name of God. Tonight I will baby sit but will get there late enough that she cannot boss me around.  You can't change your DIL.  All you can change is yourself, and engage with her with compassion, and no judgement.   That's it.  Maybe if she loses something she really depends on from you, babysitting when she's going out with the girls if she can't be respectful at all, then she'll stop poking you so hard?  On the other hand, maybe she'll find another babysitter, and your son won't want to make waves.  What do you think will happen?  Do they have enough money to pay pet and baby sitters to replace all you do for them? 

Calm, Lupe.  Breath.  Love on that baby, and know this too shall pass.  Lighter

[Lupita]

 
I have power over myself.
 
I layed out a boundary, and followed through with consequences. 
 
Everyone needs free babysitting.
 
I can stay calm, keep communicating the way I want them to communicate with me, and have a relationship with my grandson.   

I do not know if my son and DIL would cut me out of their lives if you don't let the DIL pick fights, and jerk me around?  It's normal to stop subjecting myself.

I will tell her that I won't have a discussion with her if she's going to raise her voice, name call, or change the subject or leave before settling an issue.   

I deserve to be treated respectfully. 

I need to work on getting the baby to my place instead.
 
I can't change my DIL.  All I can change is myself, and engage with her with compassion, and no judgment.     

Do they have enough money to pay pet and baby sitters to replace all you do for them?     I HOPE NOT. I WANT TO BE WITH MY GRAND SON.

 
So, today 7/29/14, my son had asked  me to take care of the baby for him to go to a rehearsal.  That was since Saturday. She knew it and she did not say anything. My son called me today just five minutes before I left my house. He told me that she did not want me to go. That she was going to take care of the baby and that she was in a bad mood and he did not want that problems spark there. I had my lunch ready, my plans, everything. She waited until the last minute to do that. I think that she planned it just to show me who is in power. Just to hurt me. My only desire is to be with the baby. To be part of something. Why is she so jealous of me? Why does she have this desire to hurt me? I have not done anything to hurt her. I have been very nice to her and take care of the baby even for her to go out with her friends without my son, just to have fun. Nobody helped me that way.  What can I do? Just remain calm and love the baby and be with the baby all the chances I have, when she wants to. My son has very little authority in that

[lighter]

Hi Lupe:

Update?

All you can do is placate the DIL, and try to have the relationship you want to have.

Kill DIL with kindness, don't show upset to her, and enforce reasonable boundaries.

You can't change anyone but yourself..... how are things working out for you now?

Lighter

[Lupita]

Light!!!!!!!!!!!!  Thank you for asking!

Worse and worse.

Her mother has lived with then since the day they decided to move together.  She is a dreadful person. She said that she would go to another state to take care of her mother. She did. I thought it was heaven. But she lied. Instead of staying with her mother in the other state where this old lady has a house and pension, she got her and came back to live again with my son and his wife with her mother too. So, now I go baby sit with having my daughter in law'smother, and grand mother in a wheel chair. She really makes my life very difficult becaue she oides not work and stays in the house all day saying ugly things about me and when I get there to baby sit everybody is mad at me and nobody welcomes me. Very sad.

What DIL and her mother want is that I give up and she takes care of the baby instead of me. I have not given up so far but they constantly break my spirit and disapprove everything I do. My son gets mad at me because he is there with them and hears so many complains about me. He is irritated when I get there. He told me that I get there and everything because chaotic. I am the only one who helps. And I help and go to my house. The pother woman does not help, she is a leech, and a parasite and she is welcome.

Sad.

[Izzy_*now*]

Dear Lupita,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

What do you think of taking them to Court asking for1 day a week with your grandson at YOUR HOME.

Your reason for asking is the way you are treated when you go there, by her, by your own son, and the rest of the Bridge Club. The only reason I didn't do that is that I have my disabilities and I felt that would go against me.  Don't you think that a grandma needs her grandson, and vice versa?  and you need quality time without the bridge club watching your every move!


Good Luck

Izzy

[lighter]

So sorry things just keep getting more and more complicated, Lupita.

Sometimes that's the way it goes.....

there will be days you eat the bear, and on others......

the bear eats you.

Remember.....

nothing good nor bad, lasts forever.

This too shall pass, and you don't want to look back on these times and wish you hadn't squandered so much time and energy on the negative people.

There's this lovely little shining light there for you to focus HERE.  Now.

I say give the MIL and negatives others as little as you can, so you have more everything for yourself and that darling gs.

Remember.......

be chipper, and keep your sense of humor in tact.  Don't rub their lazy noses in their shortcomings.... it just draws more fire, and I can imagine how I'd feel in your position... I'd be cleaning little corners, and shaming them right and left, not meaning to, but having to control myself or make it worse, bc that's what I do when I'm under pressure.

I clean with great vigor, and there's nothing more satisfying than shaming nasty people with that kind of energy.  It's just not helpful though.

Let's face it.....
Those people are miserable.

You don't have to be.

Don't let them transfer their unhappiness and aggression TO YOU, Lupe.

Detach emotionally, and focus on your next adventure.

BEFORE you're triggered, invoke a helpful mantra...
"Nope, you aren't triggering me today, I have a world to conquer with my gs." Whatever works, Lupe.

I love conversations and activities with little children!

You never know what they're going to say: )

Lighter

It's fall.  Go outdoors with the little one and kick leaves.... marvel at things under rocks, and play by creeks! 

BE AUNTIE MAME, not the victim your DIL wants you to be.  YOU get to choose, and aren't you the lucky one?