So, I'm not quite done re-drawing that addition. But I'm now armed with contacts, an appt to get a landline installed (I can have internet if I want to pay an arm & a leg for dial-up; yes, that's right - dial up speeds via satellite. It's not worth it for as little as I'm there right now) and even a crucial bit of information about where they hit bedrock putting the current addition up.
For almost a year, it has seemed that one obstacle or conflict after another, about going forward up at the cabin has presented itself. And of course, while Mike was sick I wasn't putting him through the travel required to go up there. I didn't try to force my way past those obstacles... or impose my own sense of timing on this project... I waited for something that looked more like a "green light". And I didn't just "flee" there to run away from all the losses I've experienced here. I really sat with my self all these months trying to learn how to tell "what I really want".
At my age, it seems a tad rediculous to be totally stymied and puzzled about answering the question: what do you want? But there it is; I'm still at that "awkward stage" it seems. More than anyone else I know... I've made decisions and choices based on what OTHERS wanted; what would "make" them happy. Buying this beach house - this particular one - was more than I wanted to take on, but Mike was totally enthralled with it. He so enjoyed the look on people's faces at the (kinda silly, if you ask me) architectural references to cathedrals (main floor plan is cruciform), the columns & pediments holding the arches that form several "collonades" or "loggias", and the absolute purpose-built indulgence of this place.
Pfffft. He didn't clean it. We were both too private to allow someone else to come clean up after us - and I still carry a bucket of shame around because of my mom's hoarding. Just last night, she was complaining that she only has paths in her new place, because she simply will not throw away "stuff" that she isn't using, hasn't used in a very long time, and honestly? has only a thin emotional attachment to. Why anyone would base their identity and self on the "stuff" that's theirs, I am never going to understand in this lifetime.
So, what I WANT... at the root of it all, I think... is to simply
believe in my ability to BE my "self" and to live simply enough that there is room for that self to continue growing, learning, and for once -- doing what suits me and nurtures me. My interests change. What I'm physically capable of changes. But I really DON'T want to be dependent on someone else's "approval", or "support", or even strong back or ability to climb tall ladders - and I sure don't want to have to accommodate what someone else wants (or thinks is the "right" thing to do) in the process of being myself. I know that big fear of "choosing unwisely" -- or of jumping from the frying pan into the fire -- is partly responsible for my just sitting here tossing around my choices, over & over & over in the same circular rumination. It's the reason for the "I can'ts" in my head.
"You're not 40 anymore... you're all by yourself... you won't have anyone to talk to... what IF [fill in the blank].... you CAN'T..." ad nauseum.
Well bullshit. I'm not about to check into a nursing home, either. I have tools and I know how to use them. Look out world. LOL.
"You don't know anyone there". Well, true. But I didn't know anyone HERE either when we moved in. I know how to do this better than I ever did. And my sense of who is "good people" vs those who only want to take advantage... is sharper than before - because I'm no longer looking to others to fill some need I felt was lacking in myself... because I was told that so many times, repeatedly, like kicking someone when they're down.
"You don't have the discipline"... this one, is a little trickier. The definition of the word itself has been distorted over time, so that some think of discipline as this military, rigid, spartan and ascetic lifestyle. Uh.... no. Discipline can also mean an area of study; and a learning process that involves practice. Learning by doing -- and beginners always flail around and make some mistakes -- and try, try again. There is room in my definition for feelings, honoring my past efforts, having fun and being with others too. And that doesn't lessen my committment to the tasks I choose, relationships I maintain, etc.
I don't think I'm willing to trade part of my self for "connection" anymore. There's plenty of room for other people in my life - so there needs to be room in the connection for all of me, too. Talking relationships with friends, one made this observation about how our needs (not wants) change over time. I thought it was pretty wise - just don't get too hung up in the details of his personal viewpoint.
Step #1 You meet and make each other happy by the mere presence and interaction. of course this leads to a physical relationship which again fills the expectations of happiness etc.
Step #2 At some point this is no longer enough and you seek something "more". This is when children enter the picture for many people. For others I believe it is careers or other activities and/or things.
Step #3 What I would refer to as a more mature relationship where each person is not actually looking for the other to "make them happy" or looking for 100% of their satisfaction from the relationship. There is stability and confidence enough in the relationship to allow some distance or branching off into other enjoyable areas, such as hobbies, social groups etc, that you do separately in some cases, but with the full confidence you still have a faithful partner.
Step #4 I believe we finally understand by this point that neither one of us are perfect and neither one of us are able to fulfill 100% of the others needs. We are just people, normal people!! While we may still enjoy each others company and doing activities together I think there is a point where we stop trying to find (whatever it is we are looking for to make us happy) in the other person. We are simply sharing a relationship and working together through life. there is comfort and satisfaction in this as well as a sense of security.
He also references that feeling of "seeking"... that even in stage 4, I know I seemed to have. He thinks it can only be filled by the spiritual, and perhaps not possible until we transition from this life to the next. I think he's a pretty smart guy... LOL.
