What gives you your sense of self worth

[Hopalong]

Makes sense, Tupp.
Sheer tiredness makes me feel that way, also.

I don't know if you'll experience this but for me
when the adrenalin of a move wears off there's quite
a short-term, temporary crash. And a lot of extra
sleep for quite a while is very helpful...suspended in rest, you
heal from move stress. (Shrinks say even GOOD
moves stress the psyche a ton.)

Might help to be prepared for when/if the mood lowers and draw
no conclusions about YOU, because it's just biology. And it will
pass. It will.

Sending tea and hugs--
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Hopsie, thank you!

Yes have definitely hit the post move wall, was so worn out over the weekend we didn't do much at all and my bed has never looked so inviting   Felt a bit perkier today, we are very lucky that we don't have any big major thing coming up now (except for Christmas, which isn't very big for us anyway) so we can have lots of rest and some nice days out and walks around the place.  I think we'll just take it easy now until the New Year, adjust a bit and get used to being here (it's still so quiet and there's less light pollution so the stars look amazing).  It is nice not to be constantly thinking "oh my god, when will we get out of here".  We were on our way home earlier and I realised I was actually looking forward to getting back in here, I always used to dread going home so that was nice

[Twoapenny]

I'm feeling much more rested, relaxed and happy now, but I am also keeping watch on myself because I'm feeling "we don't deserve this" creeping in and I don't want to mess this up!  It really is a gift from the gods - a nice flat, long lease, nice village, much easier practically and a lot more going on that we can get involved in.  And I can feel myself feeling we don't deserve all of that so I am working very hard to focus on feeling grateful (which I am, enormously) and telling myself that we do deserve this nice place that has come into our lives.

I've also realised I feel very anxious about putting myself into new situations and meeting new people so I am going to write a list of all the things I'd like to get involved in locally and all the places I'd like to go to and try and take a step towards doing one of those things each day.

[Hopalong]

You were BORN deserving a safe place to be, peaceful surroundings, and kind humans.
Just remember not to fantasize or expect imagined huge-correctives-to-the-past things from people.

Just look for gentleness, basics of kindness, impulses to cooperate and folks who are welcoming. Be aware that
you deserve goodness, decency, patience--especially from you toward you. And that if you offer friendship,
say once in three tries, you'll likely find it. (The other two? Don't mean anything. Just that they didn't
have the same need at the same time....)

All will be well. This isn't a test you have to pass. You're already here. A resident just like
other residents. You SO deserve this good home.

Have faith that you live in peace now.
Time to risk feeling some contentment.

In the present moment, all those present moments. Enjoy each one of them, they mount up
and change you toward peace.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

You were BORN deserving a safe place to be, peaceful surroundings, and kind humans.
Just remember not to fantasize or expect imagined huge-correctives-to-the-past things from people.

Just look for gentleness, basics of kindness, impulses to cooperate and folks who are welcoming. Be aware that
you deserve goodness, decency, patience--especially from you toward you. And that if you offer friendship,
say once in three tries, you'll likely find it. (The other two? Don't mean anything. Just that they didn't
have the same need at the same time....)

All will be well. This isn't a test you have to pass. You're already here. A resident just like
other residents. You SO deserve this good home.

Have faith that you live in peace now.
Time to risk feeling some contentment.

In the present moment, all those present moments. Enjoy each one of them, they mount up
and change you toward peace.

love
Hops

Sound advice and words of wisdom as always, Hopsie - thank you

I am trying to just focus on right now.  My mind wanders but I try to bring it back.  We went for a walk this morning - people around here are friendly.  We chatted to a guy who was walking his dog, a young girl that works in the shop (we treated ourselves to a doughnut ), said good morning to people as we walked past them.  I'm going to try and pluck up the courage to go to the pub one day this week - during the day, during the week, when it will be quiet, just pop in for half an hour and have an orange juice and a chat.

My son's energy seems to have improved?  Which is good, might just be coincidence, might be something to do with the new environment.

It's funny but when I read your job thread and you said something about trying not to have to high an expectation regarding the job I realised that that's been a problem for me - I go into every situation with an expectation (and usually a very high one) and it doesn't usually go the way I thought it would.  So I'm going to try and stop doing that - just make the aim to get through the door of the pub, for example, rather than imagining I'll come out with a dozen new friends.  It is really lovely not feeling constricted by gossipy neighbours or knowing my mum is across the road (and she doesn't even know I've moved yet - how funny is that? ).  But it all feels good - just wobbling and conscious of not wanting to wobble and sabotage myself.  I like the idea of focusing on people who show kindness, co-operation etc.  A really good place to focus and to think about.  Thank you x

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

I've written this post three times....... 

Trust yourself. 

Pay attention to your instincts.

Honor them.

Remember 90% research and 10% execution.  You have a right to explore choices without committing to anything.  Reserve judgment, and really ask yourself what feels right.   

Take your time, and try lots of things.  Pick and choose.  Show people who you are, and strive to be authentic.  You're OK just as you are, and people want you to do well.  They want you to be OK. 

Fear sucks.

You're more than worthy of a good life.

Remember..... you make choices every day, and every day is a new day.

::sending Tupp energy, intestinal fortitude, and the courage to explore open and walk through new doors::

You're good enough Tupp.

Lighter

 

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Lighter, for your wise and encouraging words, as always.

My son's health has taken a real nose dive and we are having dreadful problems with doctors (again) and I can really feel the effects on my own health now.  It's funny that the times when you need to take the most care of yourself are also the times when you have the least time and energy to do so.  But I am really trying to make a concerted effort to eat well, rest, do some yoga and meditate when I can.  It's very easy for good habits to go out of the window when the chips are down (and isn't it funny how bad habits always seem to feel easier to stick to?) but I'm trying hard and trying to focus on health and not think/worry too much about anything else at the moment.

We are settling into the flat now, and it's starting to feel like home.  People are friendly and it is lovely being able to go for a little walk and pop into the shops if we want to.  It's starting to feel more normal that we live here and I do really love it (and at least my son's health takes my mind off my own anxieties for a while, lol).  Baby steps, we're slowly getting there, I must say I will be glad when Christmas is over as I do find that really stressful even though we avoid it as much as possible.  The whole country just goes mad so it's nice when it's over and everything goes back to normal

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry about your boy, Tupp.
I can't imagine how much this tears at you, over and over.
Poor kid, and poor you.

My best recollection is that he's both on the autism spectrum
somewhere and also has a seizure disorder plus a fairly rare
additional diagnosis. (Forgive me if I'm remembering those
wrong.) But my point is my heart goes out to any parent
who is trying to make life work for a child with any ONE
of those things, much less a constellation...and much less
as a single parent with toxic relatives.

Now, at least, you're at a safe distance from those relatives.
And you have learned so much about how to advocate for
yourself and your son. To hear how you're trying consistently
to maintain self-care in spite of the stress of all this is inspiring.

Tupp, while you're no longer a victim, you ARE a hero.
Just in the daily slog you endure with such good grace.

I think to myself when I am eyebrow-deep in my pity
parties...look what Tupp and others here cope with and get
through every daggone day.

Thanks for sharing so much of your struggles and surprises
here, Tupp. You inspire and encourage me, and you always
have thoughtful and kind words for folks here, no matter
what you're going through yourself.

(I'm with you about Christmas...happy to not-celebrate it
along with you!).

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Yay, let's do a"it's not Christmas, everyone get lost" day instead!  I'm not religious (no disrespect to anyone who is) and for me the religious meaning of it has been lost in a mass of consumer madness.  It's just so huge and so over the top and you can't escape it.  If it was only celebrated by in the UK by Christians (instead of millions of people who never go to church and don't believe in God) or it was a small day of celebration I would embrace it but it's just so over the top it drives me insane!

You have remembered exactly my boy's situation, autism, epilepsy, learning difficulties (or intellectual disability as they call it now) and possibly a genetic disorder although that hasn't been confirmed yet.  He's fitting for up to twelve hours at a time and it's proving almost impossible to get him any long term or preventative help so we have to keep calling the emergency service or going to A & E.  The service they provide is brilliant; we had an ambulance crew out this morning and they are first class, nothing at all to fault them on, but obviously dealing with everything as an emergency instead of having a proper long term management plan in place is stressful for everybody.  I have got a meeting with the consultant next month so I've emailed him all of my concerns and will have to go in and just be very assertive which I hate because of all the old child protection stuff (in which they used my assertion and tendency to complain about poor service as evidence against me) bubbles back up to the surface and it's just another thing to deal with (as you know only too well!).

We are in a much better place than so many, though, and a much better place than we were a month ago living in that house that I was so miserable in!  Thank you for your kind words, that is what I love about this place, that it's so supportive and each other's stories help in different ways, it's a really good place to be

Anyway lets hope that all of our 'challenges' get a little bit smoother over the next few weeks (and Christmas will be over soon - yay!).

Love Tup xx

[lighter]

Tupp... "fitting" for 12 hours means he's seizing or having an emotional outburst you can't handle on your own?

I'm so sorry to hear that, but glad you feel emergency services are helpful. 

Good luck advocating for yourself and your son  next month.  Remember to speak with calm authority, keep your tone neutral, and snark free, and stick to your guns.

They can't say you're being unreasonable/whatever if you remain even, and keep your voice and words level, IME.  Record it if you feel you must.... better proactive in these matters, IME.  Regret sucks SO much.  I'm sure you have a list of things to address.  Maybe sort it out with things you can't live without, and things you can.  Don't leave without the must haves.

Also have some reminder you can touch, like a bracelet that helps you get back to level if you find yourself raising your voice, or getting angry.  We're more formidable when we stay on point with facts.... when we're the most level person in the room, IME.

You're Mama Bear Tupp, and you'll fight for the best possible outcome for your son.  That's what you do.

((((Tupp and son))))

I'm glad you're settling in.

Lighter



 

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

It's epileptic seizures they think he's having: non convulsive status epilepticus is the proper medical term, I think, so he's basically having hundreds of small seizures one after another for, on average, about twelve hours at a time (unless we can get the meds into him so this last Sunday he'd been like if for about three, three and a half hours before it started to wear off).  They call it non convulsive because it doesn't look like anything is happening; to anyone that doesn't know him he just looks like he's very tired (almost as if he's been sedated).  Because he's got different conditions he's classed as having 'complex needs' and this is where the problems start with treatment.  Although the NHS is free at the point of use they're all on tight budgets and have strict criteria for who does what which varies from one area to another (as they're all run by different trusts).  All of my son's problems are neurological and it's difficult/impossible to know where one problem ends and another begins, but each of his different diagnoses comes out of a different pot of money.  This means they all spend a huge amount of time referring him back and forth to try and avoid paying for what he needs, plus sometimes he has to go to a specialist hospital out of the area which no-one wants to fund so trying to get that organised is a nightmare as well.  It just means everything takes so long to do and you have to fight every step of the way, plus I have to know what he needs so that I can argue my case for it but that means I have to do all my own research because the docs keep me in the dark as much as possible.  So it all gets very tiring.

So I have been practising what to say and keeping calm!  I've emailed the doc a list of my concerns in order of importance and there will be more things I want to discuss so I'll send those in in advance of the appointment and hopefully it will be a useful hour of both our time instead of most of it being wasted.  Hopefully this will be the last push now, I think we've exhausted pretty much all other avenues x

[lighter]

Bless your heart, Tupp.

I'm rooting for you, and the best possible outcome for your son.  You're a great mother.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Lighter, and the same to you!

He's doing alright again now, I've had a bit more info from another doctor that's helped put another piece of the puzzle into place so we're slowly moving forward.

We're really settling into our new place now.  I started clearing the garden yesterday.  It's huge and a little bit neglected but not terribly, just needs a tidy and a trim to get it back in shape.  It's very mature which is lovely and I unearthed a patio when I started clearing leaves up.  It's very uneven and some of the slabs are broken but in my mind I can see a lovely seating and eating area where we can watch the sun go down and enjoy listening to the birds singing.  I sat out there for a while last night as it got dark and there were two robins chirping away to each other.  It was just so lovely.  So the new place is helping me stay level whilst the medical situation gets sorted and we are keeping on keeping on x

[lighter]

Tupp:

I feel it's important to pay attention to nature and new surroundings..... to really let them sink in and help you change how you feel about your world.  IF you bring your old thinking, and way of being WITH you..... you miss the chance to transcend them, IME. 

Maybe every morning when you wake reflect on what you want that day....... think it or say it out loud, and then do it.

You don't live in the old neighborhood anymore.  You live in a better place, with people who wish you well, and want you to be happy with your son.  Engage them.  Open yourself to new and better things.   

The way you write about your garden makes me picture lichen and moss and stones covered in dark earth...... old and wise but new and welcoming for you and your son.  BE in the moments there..... let thoughts of the old go by without grabbing on to them.  Return to how it feels to be far away in this safe hopeful place.

Really BE present since you've waited so long to get there.

((((Tupp and Son))))
I really loved reading your update.
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

All very true, Lighter, it's funny but things are falling into place without me doing anything.  In the past I've worked so hard, so many times, to change things and it just hasn't happened (or at least not in the way I thought would be best).  But everything here is just falling into place.

The garden is a mature, well grown one and people have obviously put a lot of time in over the years.  There's something magical about it, it's not really overlooked (there are other gardens around it but there are trees and hedges as well as sheds and green houses so you can't really see into anyone else's garden unless you really try to).  The fence is all different in places and I like that, some's proper fencing, some's been made out of fallen branches, some out of old pallets, I like the way different people have patched it up over the years.  Feels lived in, rather than created for effect, if that makes sense?  I'm making a list of all the things I want to get for the flat now to decorate it and make it our own and all the little jobs I want to get on with.  It's exciting!

There are so many more opportunities around here for things for my son and myself to get involved in so I'm going to look into those after Christmas.  I've also found a town within a reasonable driving distance that looks like it contains a specialist college for my son and an adult learners one for me so I'm going to look into that as well.  Be great if we could both start college at the same time.

All in all it's fabulous and I am starting to morph into myself, I think, rather than being 'Tup who has to cope and get through the day'.  It's nice.  How are things with you? x