Exploring resistence

[lighter]

Thanks for the hug and book suggestion. 

I lit up for you when you posted about the writing workshop too, Hops.

Art in the desert can only be a good thing, right?

Lighter

 

[lighter]

http://traumahealed.com/articles/not-again-tame-your-fiercest-patterns/

Why won't this link?

Cut and paste may work.

http://traumahealed.com/articles/when-i-started/

I found value in both  of these articles.   I recognize things, that make sense to me, stated in different ways to help internalize helpful messages.
 They aren't long. 
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, I so wanted to razz you after reading your unburdening of brain... but I restrained myself. I'm also given to these and my D is mastering it as well. LOL. It really is necessary at times, altho it generally doesn't result in any big breakthroughs or astounding answers. Just relieves the inner pressure.

I also wonder if you mean something different from resistance than I do.

Example: I want to take down the Christmas tree, put the candles away etc minimalist decorating that I did. It took me a week to bring up the 3 smallish boxes; I opened the ones for the balls to be placed in this morning... and there they sit. Resistance, for me, is wanting to do something - even something for me - and just. not. doing. it. Sometimes there are excuses involved; many times not. I've just frittered away the time. It's as if part me reacts to this plan with arms crossed, hmmmpph'ing, tsking, and tapping her foot and just stubbornly refusing.

This is a job that MIGHT take 1/2 an hour of time. It's not physically demanding. But I'm still sitting here looking at it. And I do this a lot, with a lot of things... and I'm trying to change that - like you're trying to change some things. But I wonder if it's a matter of pacing myself?

I did run 10-12 hour days, all day long for weeks prior to the actual driving between the beach and mountains. Physically, I know I'm resting. Mentally, I'm worn out too. My brain isn't nearly as sharp as it should be (yes, I'm taking extra B vitamins) and I can spend all day just sitting; looking; thinking up even more stuff to put on lists so I don't forget it. Some of it is just little stuff; some of it is really important. But I seem to be an on/off person - going 90 miles an hour or in neutral - and not a whole lot of days of in-between.

And those lists are full things I WANT to do - not just "have to". It's an interesting puzzle why some days are so productive and others I have to stand over my own shoulder like a drill sargent or Sister Mary Ellen forcing myself "onward"... while that recalcitrant me is mentally giving her the finger and sticking her tongue out at her.

[lighter]

Amber:

My resistance sounds a lot like your definition...... and I understand the 90 mph or idling thing too.

 Sometimes I think there's a chemical component.... we wait, procrastinate a bit longer, then it's do or die time leading to a little shot of adrenaline that gives us wave of creative energy, and wouldn't it be nice to be that creative and energetic ALL the time?

I sure think so.

Lighter

 

[sKePTiKal]

Hmmm. I was calling this "adrenalin addiction". But I'm not entirely sure that's accurate. Or at least, it's not the whole story.

Learning to "pace" myself, is part of it, for sure. Staying present enough to know: it's time to eat now, that's "good enough" for now - I can finish up another day. And another component I'm really sensitive to - is dealing with multiple KINDS of have-tos. Paperwork, legal snafus, finishing another section of wall clean-up, unpacking that box, and putting the filing into a new order in the cabinets while arranging the office... can be a day's typical challenge.

I find I have different brain-spaces for all those kinds of things; or at least I THINK I do. Or part of me thinks I do... because I've kinda be "told" I do. Hops said something yesterday, that has me thinking that part of me is still convinced that I'm some kind dysfunctional weirdo... when in fact - given my current circumstances - what I'm noticing about myself is all really normal. All what someone should EXPECT to experience, in my circumstances... that perhaps, I'm expecting a lot more of myself than is reasonable and kind.

Which kinda circles back to that adrenalin addiction, doesn't it?

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp:

I'm really trying hard to be aware of the decisions I'm making right now. 

Not that you have to answer, but.....

What makes you happy?  I mean deeply happy?

What makes anyone on this board "happy"?




I had to delete a lot of the quotes because it made the post too long but hopefully it makes a bit of sense!

Wow Lighter, that was such a thought provoking post that I've had to spend some time thinking about it, lol!

I think with regards to being happy, I am thinking at the minute that for me that means not being in some sort of negative state - stress, anxiety, tiredness, fear and so on.  I used to think of being happy as that sort of high energy, excited state - which is lovely to experience - but it simply isn't sustainable long term, I feel (and perhaps it would be described as pleasure rather than happiness?).  I have been thinking of things in terms of pleasure versus happiness (due to the book I've been reading very slowly!).  Was moving house pleasurable?  No.  Has it made me happy.  Yes.  Has my son's childhood been pleasurable?  No.  Does having a son make me happy?  Without a shadow of a doubt.  So although I don't feel happy a lot of the time, I also don't constantly feel sad, anxious, frightened, it's more a sort of midway point where my feeling isn't extreme in either direction and that in itself is something I think I would call happiness now?  Just being able to get on with being pulled in any direction by my feelings?

Surviving instead of thriving and being born into the wrong family - yes, yes and yes.  I remember crying in my T's office after catching up with someone I knew from school.  Her life was exactly as I'd have loved mine to be, and she had that because she didn't spend her teenage years disassociating to protect herself from abuse and she didn't then spend years blotting it out with drink and drugs and she didn't feel like a worthless piece of dirt that didn't deserve even basic politeness from people.  I felt so angry and resentful, so sad because my life felt so empty, angry at my family for giving me opportunities to survive abuse instead of opportunities to flourish, angry at the people who exploited my need to blot it out and encouraged me to drink and take drugs and sleep with horrible men instead of encouraging me to go to the gym or see a therapist or express myself creatively.  I just felt angry and wasted and ashamed of myself for wishing she had my crap life and not me and it was just such a big pit which I still fall into now.  I think it's partly because we do tend to judge success in very visual terms - someone's job, their income, what they drive, what they wear, and I fell short all my life on that front because I put my energy into getting through it.  But as I've got older that's changed for me and now I have a lot more respect for the homeless man who's survived an abusive childhood and  years of drug abuse and rough sleeping than I do for the middle class man from an easy family who's been supported and nurtured since birth and who now lives in a big house and drives a big car and goes on holiday three times a year.  Which isn't to say I don't respect that middle class man at all, but I don't think he's had to work as hard as the other guy has and I'd bet he doesn't appreciate what he has as much as that homeless man appreciates the soup from the kitchen or the couple of quid someone gives him as they walk past him.  So yes, I still get angry and feel frustrated (and those aren't happy places for me) but I'm getting to a place where I'm happier with what I've got in my life rather than what I wish I had?  If that makes any sense (and emphasise 'getting to'; I'm not there yet!).

I think there are a lot of people who don't find their true North.  I think a lot of people don't look for it, either?  I do think that some people are more sensitive than others, and I don't mean that in the critical way it's often aimed at people who 'can't take a joke' but I mean that I do think some people just dive deeper into themselves, they think more, they feel more, they empathise more (and I think that came up on another thread a while ago although I can't remember which one?).  You're an amazing mum, Lighter.  You've dealt with all those legal battles, horrible stressful, along with whatever preceeded that and created that situation and yet your girls have always been your focus, and not just in the sense of you get them to school and cook their tea but you've done so much to help their health and development, to give them the kind of childhood that a lot of us can only dream of, but what gives you that strength and that focus to do that when so many others would have fallen apart, started drinking, given up, left the kids to sort themselves out?  I have absolutely no idea!

I look at my mum and yes, she had an awful childhood and she's had a lot of problems through her adult life, she's probably suffered from some sort of (untreated) mental health problem for forty plus years, she's self medicated with booze and she's never once tried to change anything, to question or learn, to build bridges or to improve her life in any way.  She and I have started life in a similar way yet I've always strived for something better.  So I don't know, maybe there's some sort of gene or brain pathway or something that makes some people keep striving and some people hide from it all?  It's one of those things that I can't get a handle on or put into any kind of order because it does just seem random to me?  It's hard for me to make sense of my family, because it doesn't make sense?  Maybe that's why I keep away from them, because being around them is just too confusing?  I do know that being around them doesn't make me happy

But I am always reminded of a plaque my Nan used to have on her wall:  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.  Maybe that's everyone's true North?  Accepting that there's vile, shitty, unfair stuff that you can't do anything about?  The thing about a child 'choosing' to be born into a certain family where they then suffer abuse and appalling things has never sat well with me; to me it feels like victim blaming in some way and I don't know that the theory someone's life lesson is being able to survive appalling abuse for a certain period of time before going into a scarred and damaged adult life is one I want to accept?  It seems a bit of a cop out to me.  I'm aware the abuse I went through isn't a patch on what some people go through, yet there are still some who come out of it and they work to help others and seem to get a pretty good life going.  Which makes me think some of us are just born stronger or more resilient because we all go into our adult lives in such different ways, regardless of childhood?  There are still those who seemingly had a good upbringing yet they fritter away their opportunities and go through their adult lives learning little and those who achieve so much despite appalling things happening to them from a young age.  But then I suppose the question of who is happy comes up again.  I certainly know people who seem to 'have it all' yet they're definitely not happy (or experiencing pleasure!) and others who seem happier despite the difficulty of their situations.  I know I'm happier living here than I was where we lived before.  I'm happy that my son's still asleep at the moment because it's giving me time to do this.  My mum still makes me feel unhappy.  I still feel a shutter spring down over my mind if I think about my step-dad.  So maybe it's a puzzle with happy bits and unhappy bits and the more happy bits you have the better the puzzle is?  I'm frazzling my own brain now, lol, but thank you, Lighter, this has given me so much to think about.  Did you have any more thoughts since you wrote it?  I know you've been having a tough old week so I hope some of the unhappiness is shifting to make space for some more of the happy pieces x

[Twoapenny]

Argh and now I've got the whole thing in quote, lol, I'm still not good with the technical stuff x

[lighter]

Tupp:  I think acceptance IS part of finding our true North.  Part of making peace with what is, and ourselves, and how it effects our worlds..... so difficult, but necessary.  You hit that on the head.... it goes in and out of focus.   

Another thing you wrote struck a chord....... our expectations, definitions of joy/happiness. 

Our definition of happiness changes as we grow. 

Children are happiness....... Yes. 

I think being in the zone is happiness too, for me anyway.  Being engaged in something, anything.... I can be making cellophane icicles with a high heat glue gun..... cleaning out drawers, working on costumes, doing a BIT balance, or lighting 20 candles on the back porch and the zone is.... the zone. 

For me it's humming, and being content in the moment, no matter what I'm doing.  Cleaning a bathroom can be a moment of zen for me.  Simple things.

I've always said it's like switch being turned on or off..... I wish I knew what alchemy was involved...... Amber.... the 90mph or idling thing.  Does it all go back to Tupp's reminder about the serenity prayer?  Is there something on our minds that keeps us from consistently.

I used to say that unfinished business was always there, behind us, tapping us on the shoulder, keeping us from seeing what's right there in front of us. 

Is that it?  The unfinished business?  Or worry about things we can't change?  Small things even?

Not sure, but I've been thinking about your posts Amber, and Tupp. 

Very thoughtful replies.  Thanks.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I dunno Lighter.

I like explanations, analysis, the sense of order involved of everything having a "name" to it, and it's way of being & function "known" and understood. The lists, that include the order that some things HAVE to be done - others, how I want them done.

And then life throws you a curve ball and all that stuff STOPS because nothing else can happen until the curve ball is digested, accepted and dealt with. Like a broken septic pipe and sewage backed up and overflowing in a bathroom. The dreaded regurgitation of the porcelain god... it's POSSESSED! LOL.

As far as trying to know, name and understand all the things going on in ourselves... in such a scientific fashion... under the assumption that this will enable/empower us to make perfect decisions going forward with the rest of our lives... I'm not entirely sure that would make me happy.

Mystery, chance, accident, dancing & laughing at the sort of disaster that pokes right at some of our own idiosyncrasies of personality... because it's just TOO perfect a response from the universe to our blind-spots and ego... and just being able to FLOW through all that while being part of it... without having to assign part of oneself to sit out of the fray over there and analyze, watch & record...

is an important letting go.

Letting go, is giving yourself permission to go skinny dipping; to roll down the hill and get covered in grass, to laugh at "The porcelain God strikes back" events of life... and learning to "surf" life - to be able to be the flow without losing your "self". Being able to find your smallest quietest self - while in the zone, and flowing...

My resistance is almost always related to a huffy, pouty inner child. Normally she's not like that - rather a willing participant in life's adventures and work. But every so often, the Left-brain, OCD side tries to effect a coup d'tat, assuming control beyond what is physically or humanly possible for me at the time... and little quiet, curious, helpful Twiggy pops up & raises hell like a whole squad of rebels.

She is doing me a favor - trying to save me from Type A personality syndrome. But sometimes her lack of focus and motivation try to take over too... LOL.

Just some thoughts. We might get to "know" this kind of thing about ourselves the way we know a place, or a sense of "oh yeah, I've done this kind of thing...", or some OTHER way of knowing other than our lovely hard-drive/mega-processor brains.

[Hopalong]

Writing my own fiction
Zone...yes, me too
Sunlight in house, pooch seeking pools of it
Friends coming tonight to watch Victoria (and drink sherry)
The ability to read
Cozy bed
Color
Music
Planting, even if just a bulb in a pot
Animals all

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

I so get the puffy pouty inner child.... a little OCD...... mine was large and in charge the first half hour working with volunteer parents Saturday morning on the Middle School dance decorations. 

I'd designed stage decorations the night before, laid them out in neat OCD color coordinated rows of paper puffs and lanterns, ribbons measured and cut, ready for assembly the next morning.   
I walk in Saturday morning, assured by the mom in charge that she'd watch over my stuff, and EVERYTHING is in a pile with 200 balloons confusing it further..... all scraped up, and that's all I see till I can see straight. I think I truly spun in circles for a bit. 

I usually do everything the night before, with my kiddos, and skip the social interaction with other parents.  This time I wanted to engage other parents, and enjoy fellowship around the event.

When I can finally see straight I have 2 wonderful moms working side by side, as they can with me, and they're doing whatever it takes to get the job done.  They were troopers, and we got it done...but but but.... I keep wanting to say but...... but..... 

I have to learn how to stand down my petulant child, and reassure her more quickly that all will be well.  I do get over things..... but.  It's that but... it's in the way, and slowing me down.

It's also a sort of perfectionist hell, esp when it's some idea of how something should be done, and not how it has to be done at all.  That can be a part of the paralysis IME... when all the stars don't align.... the pouty inner child living in the center of my torso... between my shoulder blades.... pushes forward, and I recognize her.  I just can't quite catch her before she's out yet.

Writing my own fiction
Zone...yes, me too
Sunlight in house, pooch seeking pools of it
Friends coming tonight to watch Victoria (and drink sherry)
The ability to read
Cozy bed
Color
Music
Planting, even if just a bulb in a pot
Animals all

xo
Hops

Ahhh, Hops.  What a treat to travel through your lovely moments in my mind.  All of it sounded just....... very nice, and I'm happy for you. 

::nodding::

I went to a neighbor's annual soup part last night (after overcoming some anxiety and resistance.)
Once we were there things went swimmingly.  Three neighbors were doing renovations, which I love to talk about, and there were 12 soups to try.... so comforting.   

Thursday I have a friend coming over for dinner and balance.  It's a wobbly thing, this inviting people in, and engaging with the world again. 

Hops.... do you ever consider writing non fiction?

Lighter





 

[Hopalong]

Wobbly but wonderful, Lighter.
Good for you for how you keep going.
And soups! How fabulous an evening that sounds.

I wrote prose, or non-fiction, my entire cursed career.
I'm sure I could come up with ideas for non-fiction books
but I'm not interested. I do not want to write anything except
what I'm inspired by, and that, my entire life, has been fiction and poetry.

I just couldn't do my own work (or the novel, which requires
more extended time and concentration than life has allowed
for many years) before now. Even now, with a draining PT job,
I still fight for the time and focus.

My creative writing is the one space I feel utterly complete
about, in those moments I'm deeply and happily engaged. It
is going to take several years and a lot of research but the
act of getting the story on the page is pure joy.

I just have to work out enough extra income to get by on
Social Security. Hence the old-man current job and stress of
explaining all this caregiving issues to his coterie of friends.

The job--although likely temporary--is fine. It's just a big
diversion from the book.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter - I know just how you felt, seeing your organization and method of proceeding upended. The spinning.

One thing you might not feel, is that you've been admonished, criticized and punished (by the universe?) for being so painstakingly thorough. I do feel that sometimes. It's what makes being around other people such a trial.

There is only one thing that helped me be less possessive of my vision of how things should be, go, etc.  To get the pouty one to just have fun, too - and that was lots of practice. My kids - all adults now - swoop in and do things their way and seem to (now) delight in doing things FOR me. Except, the pouty one has to try to explain to Holly which way to pull the cord on the blind, to lock in position... eliciting the GLARE and icy: Mom, I think I know how blinds work... (the personification of the inner pouty one, made real - LOL - because I'm doing what my mom did to me)

They are all aware of my peccadillos regarding this stuff - and they love overthrowing it while in the process of cooking, or getting something accomplished - and when all is said & done, things are just FINE; nothing's "out of place" or "in my way".

I do have to watch out for the pouty one's temptation to just throw up her hands, sit down and sulk, though. "I don't care then" being the mantra of the little pissy buddha... LOL. Along with: "What I wanted just doesn't matter, apparently" and "OH? so what I was doing wasn't good enough?" Yup; there's some anger in those statements...

and I think what it comes down to, for me, is ownership - authorship - creating, imperfect as it may be at the end. My mom liked to take credit for stuff I did; stealing that little of satisfaction I had and belief in my capabilities. I can tell you, she STILL tries to do this - and that's I why I share so very little of my projects with her. It's not the way SHE would do it, you know.

Collaboration and teams also helped me conquer a lot of those impulses. The instinctive falling into that "pouty" space. It's way better than it used to be - but it's still there. The more stressed I am, the more it surfaces. I had it out, with the realtor one day because of it too. He said just the right thing though: I'm just trying to help you, and it's your job to LET ME.

LOL. That chastened & humbled the pissy little buddha right up. Buddha in her mind, was really just a stinky turd. LOL.

We actually have to practice this kind of thing. Letting other help; do their own way; and working with others. I find I'm saying "I'm sorry" a lot, while figuring it out how to do it without being that stinky turd.

ETA: it dawned on me later - that inner child doesn't distinguish between THEN & NOW; she just sees the same effect without the change in context. We might have to have a little heart to heart chat - LOL.

[Hopalong]

I laughed at and loved your description of your inner pouty one.

Because if you can imagine that way of interacting boiled down and crystallized over 92 years, you've got my current temporary employer. Not so much pouting, as going instantly to blame and accusation should one not absolutely (and I mean absolutely) follow his exact routines without a micron of deviation.

It's an impossible task, of course, so daily I listen to remarks like: "You moved my best knife from one side to the other and I was FRANTICALLY trying to find it." Or, "I woke up calling, Hops! and you had GONE." (Which, of course, I did very quietly because I thought -- correctly -- that his rest was more crucial than a formal goodbye.) Or, "I want MY glass when you bring me water. YOU got another one out for YOURSELF but that is yours. I want MY glass." Or, "Someone put this important paper in the recycle bin!" (when I observe him losing tracks of papers, keys, etc.) All. Half-Day. Long.

Time for a good ole Suthrun "bless his heart." And many times a session, I mantra to myself: Compassion. Then I'm okay. I know a whole lot about the deprivations of advanced age and do feel much compassion for the vulnerable, whoever they are. But hooo-boy, not since Nmom has it been this daily. (And I'm still okay. He's NOT my parent and I'm finding serenity in actually experience the raising of my boundaries around him without too much distress.)

I do still believe I have a special magnet implanted in me by Martians that attracts N-behavior folks.


xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, maybe you're N kryptonite!