Hi all. Its been several days since I posted, that a long time for me. I've been confused for the last few days. Maybe typing it out here will help me figure out what is going on or get over it.
I've been looking for houses to rent. It's tough because by the time I found out about them, many are already rented! There must be a housing shortage around here. The first couple of place I looked at were alright, but kind of old and dingy. I've been feeling that I didn't want to stay in the house I'm in now with my wife because of too much hate and anger associated with it. But, then I started getting angry. Why do I have be the one to move out? Why can't I make her move out? Yes, the adult me knows why, because I can only make decisions for my own life, not anyone else's. These feelings were coming from the 3yo inside me, though, so that explanation didn't help. I realized that I do like this house after all. It is not overly large, but feels open and spacious. All of my things are here. My daughter is here. I don't want to live somewhere dark and closed in. I have enough of that feeling as it is. I don't want to have to give up the things I will be giving up by moving out. I know that I can't live in the same house as my wife right now, though. My adrenaline kicks in and I start getting angry after I get in the car to come home. Evenings and nights are the hardest times for me. When I'm at work I feel energized and happy. When I'm at home, I feel nervious and waiting for the other shoe to drop like it has all these years.
In addition to feeling ambivalent about moving out, there is the frustratingly slow pace of the house search. Plus, I am questioning again. It would be easy if my wife "fit" in some category that I could point to and say "See, this is recognized by others as a problem." To me it looks like some of NPD and some of BPD, but not any of the overt, obvious traits. I question whether I am "just being too sensitive." I question whether it is really *me* with these traits and I am projecting them onto my wife. Every time I read a description of NPD or BPD, I start saying, "Wait, I do that some, maybe this is really me." My brain knows better, but the fear comes anyway. I think back to the times when I was reacting to my wife and I did do some of the things described. However, I am not happy about it and have worked to get out of that way of acting because I believe it was wrong of me. Doesn't that indicate I am not NPD or BPD? So why am I still afraid? I know it is covert verbal and emotional abuse and hard to spot by others. I know it is crazy-making. How do I get un-crazy? I am afraid of moving out and living on my own and taking care of the everyday things. I have done these things perfectly well for at least 20 years without any problems. Why do I feel so overwhelmed and afraid.
I'm so tired of coming here to post and moping and whining. Why is it so hard for me to just be happy? I have good days a lot anymore, but that makes the down days seem even worse. Like the good is right there, but I just can't keep hold of it. I had another rough night with only 2-1/2 hours of sleep. This time I woke up at 1:30AM and couldn't get back to sleep. I journaled for several hours, but that didn't help, just occupied me for a while. I wonder if I some form of PTSD, but again I don't fit the usual profile. I read the description of verbal abuse in Evans' book and it fits me to a "t" but I still question whether I have exaggerated what happened. I used to think I was a strong decisive person, but I seem to wrestle with even the simplest decisions anymore. I called for an appointment with a psychiatrist to at least get something to help me sleep. Maybe if there is something else going on, they can help with that. I had to jump through some insurance hoops, but it will be covered. I'll try to setup the actual appointment tomorrow. At least 3 weeks wait to get in and see them! In the meantime, I am taking antihistamines at night to help me sleep. I don't want to do that more than 2-3 nights in a row to avoid problems.
I have an appointment with my new counselor on Monday, so I am looking forward to that. I talked with my real estate agent last night after looking at a pretty nice house. She has been divorced a little over a year and has had similar experiences with God and taking the high road throughout. That really lifted my spirits and helped me feel more connected.
I wrote above about feeling overwhelmed. I think that is it. I'm not numbing out or supressing it any longer. This is what it feel like to be married to my wife. Lonely and overwhelmed by trying to make sense out of irrationality, denial, and contradictory statements. My ability to deal with emotions has been overwhelmed for many years, not just in this relationship, but all the way back from my childhood. I'm just more aware of it and not avoiding it any longer. It feel like crap! Also, when I'm in this state I am more vulnerable to verbal, emotional, and even phsyical attacks. It makes sense why I was bullied at school. I was too overwhelmed to adequately defend myself. That is why I need to get my own place. Somewhere safe where I can just feel the overwhelm and loneliness without having to be ready to protect myself from attack at any time. I get it! That is why I didn't try to leave before. I wasn't in a safe place to heal and I was too overwhelmed to try to leave without more strength. Catch-22. Being overwhelmed is also why I am having such a hard time putting together a narrative that I really believe in. My history makes sense in my head, but I'm afraid to trust it because I am still in the midst of the problem. Therefore, I am not healthy yet, so I can't trust myself. I'm looking for something more concrete outside of myself to base the decision and choice to move out on. I suppose I just need to take a leap of faith to move out and trust that things will turn out OK, even if I make a mistake. My fear is that I may end up somewhere worse if I make a mistake and I'm not sure I will have the strength to get out of that then. This fear supposes that I am alone and there is no one to help. That is a memory from my childhood, when it was true. It is not true now. I am finding my family of choice. I am an adult and have the ability to make good forward-looking adult decisions and do what I need to do in order to achieve my goals.
Well, I do feel better having recognized this. I guess with so many years of unresolved stuff, I need to cough these hairballs up somewhere. Lucky you to share in this.

"See" you tomorrow.