Heist on Something....

[lighter]

How bout that?!?!

It's wonderful, Hops!

You've somehow bumped and scuttled to relative safety.  It wasn't easy, or comfortable to move through areas of feeling exposed and unsafe.  You and B seem to be doing the work, building shelter and safety between you.

Remember, B can't read minds.  Don't let things build up.  If you feel discomfort, be proactive.  It's not a big deal to state your needs, and expect compliance.  B wants to please you.

Have fun being playful.... that's the most fun.

😋Lighter

[Hopalong]

"Bumped and scuttled" is a brilliant phrase.

You've delighted not just Heist Hops, but poet Hops, this morning!

Thanks, (((Lighter)))--

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, what occurs to me as I read through your stuff is that B, with his corporate, conservative, solution focused background (that seems to be what he was born into and what he's continued with throughout life) might be utterly delighted to have met this liberal minded, free speaking, deep thinking, emotionally charged woman with such a wealth of life experience and a heart like an ocean.  I keep imagining that he's utterly thrilled to have someone so different in his life and I think he's probably enjoying every minute of this completely new experience   I think it all sounds smiley and I'm looking forward to reading more updates xx

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Hops - check your weather. We're under a storm warning that involves wind gusts 50-60 mph. As much rain as we've both gotten - trees fall over. I lost 3-4 last march in a storm no one predicted.

[Hopalong]

Thanks Amber...yup, wind.
Not much to do except duck, unfortunately. (And pray for my big tree!)

Tupp thank you. I am thinking it's possible too.
But gotta say, B's level of anxiety and discomfort with anything new or that he's not in control of is beginning to sink in. We're going to a big city I used to live in for a night and he kept talking about his apprehensions and whether he could still "take someone" if we're attacked. I kept thinking, my god man, we'll use common sense about where we walk and bring a friendly attitude.

I realize how isolating it is, in a way, to feel you must "look rich" or hold yourself apart from others. I've waded into poor urban neighborhoods when I taught there, ditto Appalachia, ditto other countries, etc. I've never been reckless about where I walk but likewise have never led with paranoid feelings about whole cities.

I wouldn't take him to the scariest areas I used to work in (in his fancy car) but likewise, I don't want to FOCUS on stranger-danger all the time. I'm beginning to catch on that he's genuinely afraid of new experiences. I wonder if the OCD has anything to do with it?

Just rambling....

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I think it does have some to do with the OCD. Remember my reluctance to drive myself to Baltimore (despite having done so on a regular basis years & years ago)? Some of it is simply being in an area I don't know well at all or has changed over the years - and the sensory overload of that can drive an OCD person to exhaustion, and that's before you add a crowd of people into the mix.

But some of it is also believing the distortions of just how bad things are, delivered by our "not-so-friendly" media. You have no real experience to compare it to -- until you're there. That's definitely anxiety-inducing for me. The option to not believe the media, can be considered fool-hardy if it is dangerous (or more dangerous than it used to be)... and that "unknown" of actually seeing for yourself is something a person just has to accept whenever one does or goes somewhere new.

You will have to tell B, that the shoe is on the other foot. He's going to have to rely on your experience and trust your ability to "protect" him... so HE can relax for a change!  LOL.

[lighter]

B is outside his comfort zone.  He doesn't want to appear weak in front of you.  He doesn't want anyone hurt..... reasonable to think about in unfamiliar territory, imo.

Good luck on the trip, and have a great time Hops. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks Amber...yup, wind.
Not much to do except duck, unfortunately. (And pray for my big tree!)

Tupp thank you. I am thinking it's possible too.
But gotta say, B's level of anxiety and discomfort with anything new or that he's not in control of is beginning to sink in. We're going to a big city I used to live in for a night and he kept talking about his apprehensions and whether he could still "take someone" if we're attacked. I kept thinking, my god man, we'll use common sense about where we walk and bring a friendly attitude.

I realize how isolating it is, in a way, to feel you must "look rich" or hold yourself apart from others. I've waded into poor urban neighborhoods when I taught there, ditto Appalachia, ditto other countries, etc. I've never been reckless about where I walk but likewise have never led with paranoid feelings about whole cities.

I wouldn't take him to the scariest areas I used to work in (in his fancy car) but likewise, I don't want to FOCUS on stranger-danger all the time. I'm beginning to catch on that he's genuinely afraid of new experiences. I wonder if the OCD has anything to do with it?

Just rambling....

xxoo
Hops

I think part of that's just 'bloke' stuff, Hopsie, like refusing to ask for directions   However much social conditioning has gone on over the years I still think that part of male DNA is to protect - I even see it in my son (with regard to me) and I think it's just inbuilt.  I don't imagine B has known many women like you, with your sort of background and range of experiences.  He might be so used to having to take control that he's not comfortable not doing it.  I expect it will ease off over time I think it's quite sweet that a guy in his 70s is getting ready to put his fists up to defend his lady Even though I know you don't need defending xx

[Twoapenny]

Hops, I think it does have some to do with the OCD. Remember my reluctance to drive myself to Baltimore (despite having done so on a regular basis years & years ago)? Some of it is simply being in an area I don't know well at all or has changed over the years - and the sensory overload of that can drive an OCD person to exhaustion, and that's before you add a crowd of people into the mix.

But some of it is also believing the distortions of just how bad things are, delivered by our "not-so-friendly" media. You have no real experience to compare it to -- until you're there. That's definitely anxiety-inducing for me. The option to not believe the media, can be considered fool-hardy if it is dangerous (or more dangerous than it used to be)... and that "unknown" of actually seeing for yourself is something a person just has to accept whenever one does or goes somewhere new.

You will have to tell B, that the shoe is on the other foot. He's going to have to rely on your experience and trust your ability to "protect" him... so HE can relax for a change!  LOL.

Definitely a lot to do with the media, I think, our papers make it sound like nowhere's safe.  There is crime, of course there is, but random assaults and attacks are still far less common than fatal car crashes but no-one thinks twice about getting in a car.  And Skep, I don't feel relaxed going to new places - like you I find having to think about lots of things at the same time quite tiring.  There was a time when I didn't mind getting lost but now I find it exhausting xx

[Hopalong]

Yeah, it's the paranoia and negative assumptions about huge swaths of people.
I suppose I should be touched by the macho fantasies but in fact I'm saddened. It just seems like an isolating kind of fear that prevents him from enjoying exploration and enjoying encountering new people. He carries that generally.

I'm beginning to think B and I won't enjoy much travel together. Our one overnight was to a tiny mountain town but the idea of cities seems to scare him a lot. He's mentioned it repeatedly. Like, "I'm not interested in London..." etc.

But I'm still looking forward to going and like it or not, B is going to meet 3 amazing other people I've known for many years. Then we'll go off to the shore to meet friends of his, which'll also be good, as I never have before....

[Twoapenny]

Yeah, it's the paranoia and negative assumptions about huge swaths of people.
I suppose I should be touched by the macho fantasies but in fact I'm saddened. It just seems like an isolating kind of fear that prevents him from enjoying exploration and enjoying encountering new people. He carries that generally.

I'm beginning to think B and I won't enjoy much travel together. Our one overnight was to a tiny mountain town but the idea of cities seems to scare him a lot. He's mentioned it repeatedly. Like, "I'm not interested in London..." etc.

But I'm still looking forward to going and like it or not, B is going to meet 3 amazing other people I've known for many years. Then we'll go off to the shore to meet friends of his, which'll also be good, as I never have before....

Your approach might rub off on him a bit, Hopsie.  If you ever plan a trip to London you can tell B you have a friend in the UK who will meet you and give you both a guided tour   It can get very crowded during peak holiday times, especially around 'the sights', but there are so many little places to visit and you can walk for miles.  The scariest thing is how much some places will charge you for a cup of coffee xx

[Hopalong]

Oh that would be lovely, Tupp!

I lived in London for 6 months in the seventies. (On Jacksons Lane, between Archway and Highgate.) We'd grocery shop and go to Indian restaurants on Archway and I'd wander and hang out on Hampstead Heath and in the famous cemetery in Highgate with my fancy loaned camera. And now and then splurge on a tea to toast Dick Whittington.

I have a couple family friends in the U.K. but haven't seen them for ages. And one in Monmouth, Wales, which is very beautiful.

I think B and I will do fine once we get rolling. And his friends live in a quiet shore community so that'll give him a chance to recover from Da City.

 

Hops

[Hopalong]

Facing differences a little more clearly. Senses of humor (different planets) and sense of irony (me got, him not).

1) B sent me another sexist internet joke. It was juvenile, belittling, sexist and ugly. Plus, deeply dumb. He prefaced it with: "Prepare. This may make you laugh out loud." Similarly, when he sent me the raft of sexist/racist/belittling/stereotyping joke images some while back, he introduced it with, "These will delight and amuse you."

2) The other night I showed him the film Concussion, which had a huge impact on me. Long story short, it is the true story of the Nigeria-born pathologist who discovered CTE, the brain damage that affects many football players and leads to enormous suffering (death, suicide, early dementia) and which begins with head impacts in Pee Wee football. My response to the story was to know that I could never watch a sport that celebrates "good hits" over the brains that are hit. Same reason I deeply loathe all sports that involve people hitting each other in the face and head (same CTE).

B enjoyed the movie (it featured a lot of famous players and clips from games). He said, "really good film." The next morning he said when he got home, he watched some boxing.

I
nearly
give
up

....it's maybe a little drip drip drippy, but I do think at some point the water fills the cup on one side and the balance just swings.

I don't feel any panic, just a growing sense that I'm fooling myself. He's been dear and sweet to me but also offputting at times. And I'm coming to think that his desperation for a partner has intersected with my own fears of old age, and that this is maybe NOT a good recipe for a lifetime.

I'm sure I could explain his tastes in various ways. But I wonder if I should instead just be honest about their impact on me, inside, where my values and sense of hope live.

I'm starting to wonder if an ACTUAL shared life with him could turn into misery.

???
love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well Hopsie, I think on the one hand keep in mind 'the switch' - it was in that Judith Sill's book you recommended to me and it was about one partner pulling back and going off the other when it gets to the point of changing from dating to relationship.  So maybe it's cold feet because of that.  But equally - little annoying things can build up to a situation that is unbearable.  It is hard; a perfect match is non existent (in my cynical world, at least) but it does have to be a match that means you can manage each other's annoying habits without too much bother.  The sexist jokes after you've been very clear about them are a bit of a 'doh' moment.  And the watching boxing after seeing a film about the impact of brain injuries, yep, something was missed there!

I don't know.  Can you hang on in there and see how you feel in a few weeks?  Do you need to take a little break and see how you feel if you don't see him for a couple of weeks?

For what it's worth, I don't think you're fooling yourself.  You've been astonishingly open and honest about the whole process from the beginning and you've more than put in the time and effort to know that you've put in enough time and effort.  I'm still hoping that it works out okay.  But maybe a bit more time will give you a bit more perspective (either way!)? xx

[sKePTiKal]

Well Hops, I never expected this kind of thing to stop bothering you and wondered the result, if he didn't try to accommodate you. I wonder IF there is middle ground - that while not perfect, for either of you - would "work" out of mutual respect for the other's values.

If it is possible, then you'll both want to contribute some definitions - boundaries - about what's OK and what's not. If that is too contractual to have a "relaxed" relationship... well, then perhaps the differences are too far apart to meet in the middle w/o both of you giving up too much of yourselves.