Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I do like medicinal scents.... herbs and clean essential oils.... oranges, lemons and grapefruit.... peppermint.  I just discovered my charcoal salt scub in the outdoor shower with lavender and tea tree oil.  Amazing, standing there looking at the trees, feet on wet wood, breathing in that scent again.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

My list too! Grapefruit smells AMAAAAZING.

I'm glad you're doing it so well, Lighter.
I'm much more fixated about the precautions but I can appreciate
that you are doing it just right for your circle and your circumstances.

M and I are just joint avoidant about getting the darn thing.
We're both old (70 and 73), vulnerable and no longer believe in much
of anything but Dr. Fauci and his peers.

So glad you're finding this community feeling. That is huge.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Oldest dd and I made appointments with the Blood Connection to give blood again this week. 

We're both B+ and I've been doing some reading up on it.  That blood type has proteins in it that makes coagulation more likely, which raises changes for heart problems.

MAYBE this is the reason some people get weird clotting and blood pooling with COVID?  Do you think?

It makes sense since some people have the clotting problem and some don't.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

I dunno! Haven't read anything about blood type and increased clotting danger with covid-19. Interesting idea, but I've kind of backed away from more info, as I was getting overwhelmed. The new complication for kids is pretty daunting on its own.

I have a friend with a serious clotting disorder and she's really concerned (her hubby doesn't do social distancing as he should and even brought a neighbor she didn't know anything about over repeatedly, which really upset her). I don't get it.

Aaaggggh, people.

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Aw Lighter, I'd have had that puppy on my lap and then put him in my bag to take home, there are no boundaries for me when it comes to pets!  Especially big puppies with huge paws that they need to grow into.  So cute.  It's nice that you've got social things going on around you.

[lighter]

Since tweaking my back, I've been stacking up projects.  I have Hosta, Linton Roses, watermelon and squash seedlings to find planting spaces for.... and I don't KNOW where those spaces ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.  I NEEEEED to finalize a plan that works well... that doesn't need tweaking or changing... that suits my aging and abilities.  Need need need... no pressure.  Whew.

If I worry, I know I'll get it wrong or remain paralyzed.  I've been in my rabbit hole of research.  It's time to shift to resting my mind.  Time to allow space for my intuition to have space and voice. 

It's sunny today.  The ground is wet.  The yellow circles in my moss MIGHT be bear and possum and dog and wildlife pee, but I don't see ANY other traces of their visits.  I don't ever SEE them.  Wouldn't there be scat?  Somewhere?  I worry about my entire yard going yellow with something I can't see that's killing it dead for good.  The worry shuts down my ability to problem solve, so that's clearly not helping. 

So, I'm going out into the yard and resting my thoughts.  I won't let my neighbors take my attention and pull me into their projects.  Yesterday I was happy in the garden, problem solving and a neighbor came by with his dog, which shifted to his letting the pug off the porch, pulling me IN to his orbit, to his dog splashing in mud to asking to use my hose and for dog soap and his ending up in my outdoor shower giving his dog a bath needing a towel.

If you give a mouse a cookie.... that was a great children's book.  Enjoyed it very much.  But this neighbor.... and a couple others.... I have to calmly set boundaries with.  Even the Pug set a boundary.  She leapt off the porch, when freed, then quickly changed her mind and got back on the porch and looked viewed everyone thorugh the railing while I was putting moss back in place from those big puppy paws, then turning on hose water, then looking for dog shampoo, then solving the problem of caging the wild puppy while neighbor bathed him and I'm just not going to do that today or in the future if I'm not choosing it myself.  I don't want a big wet puppy running over my outdoor furniture and clean blankets and table.... I don't.  I feel sorry for my neighbor, who lost his calm amazing best friend dog, and his choice of puppies.... but I can't be a part of solving that for him.  I can give him help and support, as he helps and supports my journey, but there have to be limits. 

I get to set my limits, as he sets his. 

::sigh::.

Back to resting.  Will do some walking meditation today.... feet kissing the moist happy moss and earth.

Lighter

[lighter]

Well, it's official. 

I'm done thinking about the upcoming election.  I don't want to hear either right or left wing parties prattle on with their skewed opinionated versions of the news.  I've stopped watching them. 

Today youngest dd and I had to run by the school and decided to drive through downtown.  Lots of buildings were boarded up at street level.  Many artists have done very cool art on the boards. We saw the place where the police stabbed water bottles and destroyed medical supplies.

A police officers was on the phone, standing next to his stopped patrol car and a recycling bin he looked into.... put his entire torso in to take a look.

Later when we drove by again there was an umarked white car and what looked like 2 people in haszmat suits looking into the same bin.   Something's going on in that bin.

We have an 8pm to 6am curin few bc of the protests, there were protestors chanting and one dancing when we drove by.  We didn't feel unsafe. It was peaceful, as you'd imagine it would be where we are.   I don't understand why the police attacked medical supplies.  I'm still scratching my head over that one.

I'm unhappy with the ACAB slogan, which is spray-painted around here.   I don't agree all cops are bastards.  I feel very strongly laws should apply across the board, to everyone, including cops.  I have to say the chant and signs "I can't breathe" upset me..... made me cry.  That's powerful. That's truth.  I don't like ACAB.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I read the chief's statement in Lighter's city and it was about police stabbing water bottles because they'd been used as projectiles. He also said they'd rather have confiscated than destroyed them, but couldn't. He also mentioned the aid stand was on private property without permission (nit-picky). He added that that night's protest went fine with no injuries.

I don't want to mistrust all police, we're not quite Chile yet. And I've read some powerful columns recently about the HOPE that is in what is happening. With videos, and an outraged populace protesting in greater numbers than during Viet Nam, this might possibly be a turning point for our culture. It'll still take a long time and include more horrors and mistakes, but I think our entire society except for jerks is sick of racism. MOST people have begun to understand it's destroying America way more than any handfuls of looters and criminals could.

Eugene Robinson gives me hope. (Washington Post.) So do others. Not Tom Cotton. And I'm thankful for what General Mattis wrote. There is hope going on too, not only trauma and misery.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

A dove with I think a hurt wing possibly (not sure) has been sitting on the edge of my patio birdbath for an hour. I walked past (socially distant) a couple times and it didn't budge, so I tried walking up to it and pouring fresh water in the bath. It didn't budge. Worrying about it but don't want to re-traumatized if it's hurt.

Maybe it's just lazy and has claimed it (doves are territorial) for now. It's relatively safe from cats on my patio and the hostas will give it ground cover, but if it's truly hurt I don't know how it'll eat.

Must google dove diet...

Hops

[lighter]

I'll definitely look at that, CB. 

Right now I'm BACK dealing with airbnb support over a problem they SAID they solved 3 weeks ago, but DID NOT.

I feel time is stolen from me when these things happen. 

Having to spend hours dealing with something, then find they didn't do what they said they would, and it's like starting over..... just to get a person on line takes hours.

In the meantime, boundary work on codependence is ongoing. 

Thanks for providing the link!

Lighter

[lighter]

Lately, I've been waking up with a very good mindset.  Very present.  Very aware of being present, and how easy it is to NOT be.

Pathways are building.  Things get easier.... even when I'm challenged.  I get back to center more quickly.  It's revelation to begin a day mindfully, sans effort.

THIS is what I've been missing.  THIS is what I've been working towards in so many ways, coming from so many directions. 

Feeling very much at home inside my own head.  Learning to notice anxiety or sadness and come back to myself.

Nice.

For anyone interested, my T said to practice thinking about a thought..... SEEING it for what it is..... and seeing what happens to it.  What, exactly, IS a thought we're having?

My experience isn't what most people experience, btw.

Lighter


 

[Hopalong]

HILARIOUS video, CB! I love that moment when you feel "Busted!" -- but with love.

Lighter, I truly believe that almost everybody thinks this:

My experience isn't what most people experience, btw.

I think it can be a tricky trap, sometimes.
Maybe it contributes to a sense of "specialness" that isn't based in your wonderful deserved and earned uniqueness, but in separation.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lately, I've been waking up with a very good mindset.  Very present.  Very aware of being present, and how easy it is to NOT be.

Pathways are building.  Things get easier.... even when I'm challenged.  I get back to center more quickly.  It's revelation to begin a day mindfully, sans effort.

THIS is what I've been missing.  THIS is what I've been working towards in so many ways, coming from so many directions. 

Feeling very much at home inside my own head.  Learning to notice anxiety or sadness and come back to myself.

Nice.

For anyone interested, my T said to practice thinking about a thought..... SEEING it for what it is..... and seeing what happens to it.  What, exactly, IS a thought we're having?

My experience isn't what most people experience, btw.

Lighter

That sounds like a nice headspace to be in, Lighter, I like the sound of that.

What does your T mean about thinking about a thought - does she mean seeing whether it's valid or not seeing it as a real thing or something?  Did she elaborate any further?  I'm intrigued!  Lol xx

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp:

T said that most people experience their thoughts as
not being solid or real. They dissolve away when one focuses intensely on one thought. 

My experience is more of moving away from the thought, judgment or feelings of other people.  Moving back into my head and heart.  Turning away from.... turning back to myself.  There's joy and ease in this lately. 

Today I observed the deepening levels of healing and being present... like a door opening.

More an observation of leaving behind old limited thoughts.  Of having more spaciousness available to me. Of having unlimited ability to create and experience after years of feeling very limited and crushed into a small space with repeating thought patterns I wasn't aware of.

I'm hoping this passes and continues expanding into what comes next.

I've noticed my mind hasn't been able to rest for many years.... 15 years maybe. 

When I first began seeing this new T there was lots of amazing work done. I assumed that was the goal.... and it seemed like my goal at the time.  To FEEL better. 

Once I felt better, which I hope I wrote down, bc it's gone and I can't recall that particular shift..... once I felt better, once I could get myself out of a hole with breathing and everything I've been posting about..... I didn't understand what comes after.

Once the tension and weight of repetitive thoughts are relieved. 

Once there's room for other things.

Once the brain calms down, learns to calm down, begins laying down new pathways and strengthening them.

Once there's distance and rest, for a period of time, for the brain to make lasting change. 


It felt very mechanical, at first. It felt like... picking up a tool, that felt unwieldy, and ill fitted to the hand, and using it, despite the whonkiness. 

It feels more fluid and internal now.  It feels streamlined... like the gloppy parts and edges have been smoothed away.  More useful.  More comfortable, requiring less bandwidth on my part.   

Like rusty old wheels have been ground down and oiled.... able to move freely again.  I feel there's momentum, and I'm not attached to continued momentum.  I expect and will embrace forward, backward and sideways movement in this process.

I won't judge it.  I'll strive to embrace it and marvel at the process, knowing I'm moving toward more spaciousness, more ease, more joy.... even if it's not OK all the time.  It's OK.

REaaaaaallllLy trusting is different than trying to trust, of feeling I trust, IME.  Internalizing trust, that all will be well, is an unexpected shift I didn't see coming.

I wonder what's next. 

I look forward to experiencing it.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

even if it's not OK all the time.  It's OK.

REaaaaaallllLy trusting is different than trying to trust, of feeling I trust, IME.  Internalizing trust, that all will be well....

This sounds wonderful, Lighter.
I'm glad for you. You're positively ZEN.

hugs
Hops