Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I'm impressed with my brother's ability to express his feelings, be upset, reflect then regroup......he, so far, seems to take things on board and behave respectfully going forward.

I don't think he knows who I am, still.  The more we interact, the more we understand and learn about each other.  I do know we're very different people.

We've been texting back and forth a little bit.  It bodes well, IME.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

It's good, Lighter, we all blow up, none of us are perfect or impervious to what's going on around us.  Being able to regroup and get on with it again is always a good sign, I think.  And Happy Birthday from us, as well!  I think I missed that somehow   Hope it was a nice celebration xx

[lighter]

Noticing I catch myself thinking negative things very quickly.

Noticing I'm less judgy about it.... I'm kinder to myself and let it go more quickly OR simply curious about it more and more often.

Fewer dark thoughts as I move through difficult cleaning projects....like where the Phillipinos put foil on dirty lazy Susan shelves instead of cleaning them with resulting thick grime and oil and rust requiring hours if time and, as of today, final clean and oil base paint.

Typically being forced into oil paint cans is upsetting, but not today....abd it's SUCH a relief! 

And that's the second lesson at the lake house...to just let the small stuff GO.

First lesson was how quickly life passes....for us all.  KNOW that and seize every moment as precious, or not.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Good lessons to keep in mind, Lighter, and easy ones to lose in the hubbub of life, I think.  It's good that you're moving through and noticing things, but not getting dragged down by it all.  The journey continues xx

[lighter]

We have house together as it can be.  Took photos, now it's time to pull it apart and prepare for quite e pensive renovations.  Counseling concrete for 3 new bathrooms in the basement will send dust everywhere.  Sheetrock dust is hard to contain too.

I'm afraid I tweaked something in my right shoulder while cutting pruned birch branches at the Botanical Garden to place in the 4 fireplaces with 3 kinds of flicker bulbs...they look amazing, btw.  We mixed them with lichen covered sticks and logs.  Very real looking, and no mess.  No heat in the warmer months100% ambiance.  When I can use my R arm again I'll cut out places to attach the old fashioned string lights and screw together easily moved fireplace bundles, in case guests want real fires in colder months.  It's fun work, but for the shoulder.  Brushing my teeth yesterday made my arm very tired.  I should tie it down, but resist.

Finding a rapid nose swab test for sister, with 3 2 -3 day turnaround for Int'l travel, is impossible to find with a guarantee.  NY neighbor, running the 50 bed hospital, pit her own lab in, finally, and pulled strings.  Test will be free, bc they have no way of charging anyone out of their system, and results back in 3 hours, guaranteed.  A miracle. Labs have shifted to vaccines....local health department test 2 days a week only now. 

I'm following my intuition, guys. It cuts out the roiling and worry.  It feels like flying up, out if toxic super glue vapors, into clean cool air. Now I'll get rid of the heaviness I remember....shifting to streamlined and easily menuevered lightness of being: )

 It feels like a trick, but it's how we should raise children, imo.  I remember my mother telling me about trusting instincts once, when I was a teenager.  I think all trust in myself was gone, by that point.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Love the intuition part and especially how you described it, Lighter.

Curious concern about this part, your injury, and wonder, what if....?

I should tie it down, but resist.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Tiger balm & rest on that arm Lighter.

[lighter]

I'm having a really difficult time not using the arm!  It makes me feel.....vulnerable.

[Hopalong]

Awww, Lighter. I think this is a big moment, really.
Had a feeling facing injury was maybe an inner struggle.

I'm glad you've looked at it and named it genuinely.

"Vulnerable" is a tough thing to sit with, but real. Big fat teacher. Ugh.

Maybe a Brenae Brown video would be good company right now?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops. 

I'm babying the arm, if not strapping it down completely.  My sister doing the things I'd usually do, is surprisingly not bothersome. 

I'll check out the vid you suggest when in the bath: )
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Perfect place to watch it!

Feel better fast. Or manage in peace if it's slow...

Sending something healingish, like, dunno, infrared heat?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I drove through 3 States of snow, slush, then icy slush to arrive home about midnight feeling super happy with my little Honda CRV.  Trucks and cars were stranded and stacked up along the way....we just weaved through and kept plodding up mountains.

I woke up this morning to youngest DD statement," the pug is a curious mix of bear and pig, with a dash of gargoyle." 

We talked about the world, mostly her views, and how she feels our little family has it's own culture...lots of spontaneous dancing, movie references and laughter, happy engagement. 

I realized, yesterday, I don't turn that off when out in the world sometimes....and I think it's the, or one of the attractive "things" about us/me, in general, specific to men.  Sometimes I'm so in my head I'm puzzled, truly, at this.  Yesterday mindfulness kicked in, and I saw it with clarity.  I think people are drawn to being included...treated....with respect.....welcomed into open happy energy, NOT about physical beauty or invitation ATALL.  I'll say it again, sometimes I worry I look homeless.  I put down all lables, and didn't, in 2007.  People judging me on appearances were no longer useful to me.  Shallow, covetous, judgmental people stood out.....to be avoided....not useful any longer.  The experiment failed.  I pushed it away without realizing I'd never pick it up again....maybe I truly won't.



The guys helping me yesterday, handyman types, we're happy to be in my orbit...I admit there's warmth and pleasure in being admired and liked.  Not romantically, really, just happy surprise that I'm always moving, and using tools and measuring ahead and producing whatever's required out of my koala bag, strapped to my hip and thigh, leaving my hands free to DO.

And I chatter, like I'm with my girls, so the boys sort of join in, surprised and joyfully....we sang together for heaven's sake.  No dancing....too busy trying to beat the snow.  They were co pilots supporting the mission on that drive.....on the entire day.

So, this morning I was interpretive dancing to Abbey Parker songs, for Baby Girl Pug...when I realized I'm really happy right now.  My little family does have its own culture.  What we let in changes the chemistry.  We SEE that, together.

I'm also ready for what comes next.   Building something meaningful.  DD is overwhelmed with senior year of hs.  Not able to talk about it, but she doesn't ask me to stay home anymore....doesnt seem fearful when I talk about what comes next and starting projects and work.  She's grown now.  This day was always coming, and now it's here....I feel the girls steppi,g into adulthood, next to me, very strong young women.  So smart.  So capable, and aware if boundaries.  If they aren't great at advocating for themselves, they're learning and I see them practicing.  Oldest received a 33 cent raise at work after first review.  She knows she's worth much more, but is happy to take every crap shift, never saying NO to her funny female boss and this token of her company's esteem is enough, for now..  Soon, DD ask for more, I think.  DD said no to a coworker's request the other day.   DD had plans, and honored them.  She's in her tribe.  Respected and fully operational....adult problem solver, critical thinking skills turned ON.  Once she figures out what she wants, she'll ask and get it, I'm sure. 

:: nodding::

My siblings and I have different strengths and talents....gifts and deficits.  I suspect we'd balance each other out pretty well, if allowed to.

None of us are organized paperwirk people.  I'm trying to put my finger on what I think our motivations and goals are.  If we can find something to work together on at the farm or do a minimal update/ renovation and sell the place.

I'm relieved I have no expectations.  I don't have to make anything work. Maybe we can agree.  Maybe we can't.  I hope we do, but it's ok either way.

 Ow.  Compensating for the shoulder pulled something in the center if my being....and the shoulder is pulsing.  Hand tingling.  Again.  It's difficult to do nothing.  Maybe impossible.

This day is catch up day with bills on the island, clearing off back porch and brainstorming on the farm.  I might ask about getting the girls and I vaccinated today.  The hospital administrator already walked by with her dog and lovely husband, but I can call. 

Oh oh.  Hospital admin neighbor said 40% of her nursing staff are refusing vaccines or dragging their feet!  She also said the 2 dose vaccine is better.....its what she and her family took. More potent...I guess.

Lighter

[lighter]

I notice more space before reactivity.  It's still there, at times, but the extra beats help bring me back to center more quickly.

[lighter]

I'm still judging...
Good
Bad
Good

I wasn't paying attention, but it hit me today.  I wonder what changes if I finally calm that habit down and drop it.

[Meh]

That's good Lighter that you can be happy and be less reactive.

Sometimes I question my own reactivity, behind reactivity are emotions though I figure. Like reactivity itself is not the thing, it's the emotions behind the reactivity that are telling us something is how I figure it.

Definitely it's good if people are not pushed around by emotions one supposes and yet the emotions are there to help us understand life I guess.