Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Twoapenny]

It all sounds good, Lighter - constructive, healthy, productive and manageably reactive?  Is manageably even a word?  Lol.  But it sounds like practical and emotional tasks are going well, as well as relationships, and those can only be good things

[lighter]

Yes, Tupp.  The reactivity is taking up less bandwidth.  I notice noticing negativity less often and before the universe dings me. 

Slow, steady change. I'm plodding along.
 I have no alternatives.  This is it, though I swim comfortably in imperfection as I go, growing more comfortable with ignoring the old rules, as CB posted on another thread.

Truth is, noticing a rule, and breaking it...or simply contemplating breaking it, feels a bit thrilling at this stage.  That no one dies, or us badly wounded is an amazing thing!

Maybe I was rule bound....or tied in knots by them.  I can tell you this.....where I'm headed with this is uncharted territory, indeed. 

I remain curious about where I'm heading.  Likely nowhere conventional, though I'm less reactive around the male/ female roles and biases, etc.  That's a relief, whew!

The crazy cat neighbor left a porn pic in our mailbox while dd18 and I were there....and NO other mail arrived AT ALL, not even junk mail.  See?  THAT sends a white hot flash of anger through me, particularly as we're contemplating the Airbnb situation at the lake.

I won't bore you with the long history, but he's truly unstable, has bashed down our mailbox, then bashed the new one I put up.  I was ready to get a P.O. Box bc crazy cat man decided there would be no.....errr...thats a rant. 

I want to spend zero time in him, but he leaves trash in and around the mailbox and now dirty pictures.   He sometimes drags limbs across the drive and I suppose there was a day where the male of a family threatened abd/ or thumped people like this to deter this.....and maybe other things, but it's just me.  I have the idea thumping or threatening him would quadruple my trouble.  I struggle with being controlled and limited by his lunacy.  The same with YG, who absolutely watches me come and go.  For the most part, I never think if them, but then they find a way to insist.

I realize most people don't insist. 

It's the men who refuse NO....Im forced to think about.  It's unfair.  Where's the justice?  There's none and any request for justice doubles the injustice, or worse, IME.

So.....what haven't I tried?  Assuming the pretend normalcy my patience and incredulible self control aren't worth propping up, bc I am done.  Just...done with it. 

What's next?  What would a man do, do'ya think?

I find the time I waste thinking about it to be a slap in the face.  Over and over.  My tolerance for pain and silence are rules I'm ketting go of too.

What that looks like both thrills and scares me. 

I've always been sensitive to the edges of crazy people, boundary stompers....unstable ones.  Felt responsible for keeping them from going over their edge, which is complete BS, I realize.....now.

That's part of the social conditioning.

That's what we're raised to believe and feel....responsible for the feelings and actions if weak men.  How in the wirld do the weak hold so much if my attention and I can't just put an end to it succinctly, with economy of motion?

Something's going to change.  I just have to imagine the shape if it...what it will become.  I already know the shape of escalation, standing toe to toe.....our culture doesn't like it.  It doesn't play well.  It's not comfortable to think or talk about.

I know how the system fails and works.  I know how to waste time and money documenting. 

What a waste of my time.

Something's going to change and I'm pretty sure it's me, throwing off more rules.

Thanks for that, CB, bc it's scary true right now.

Lighter

[lighter]

CB:

I threw the picture away immediately and feel reporting trash left in mailbox would be dismissed out if hand as overreaction. 

I don't report or make accusations I can't back up with hard evidence and that requires me setting up cameras and catching this guy who lives at the lake while I do not.

When he bashed diwn our mail boxes I spent time thinking cameras through and it was easier, and less confrontational, to just let him do whatever he liked and live without a mailbox, bc.....less trouble I'm asking/ begging for, dont' cha know.

BTW, I never see this guy....not in years, so my sexual energy and manner of dress arent5likely CREATING this trouble.

He does this stuff, not just for my benefit, but others through the years....fathers's caretaker most especially, but tearing diwn the mailbox and porn seem to be for me. 

Zero history there, btw.  He does pranky creepy stuff to elderly lone female neighbors if they pay him for little jobs.  They feed him....he unscrew the salt shaker top.  That sort of seemingly harmless stuff.

My biggest beef is what he'd do to Airbnb renters.....he's honestly terrifying to look at and I think that's his intention.

Has always said innapropriate things to the children....asked my niece to have his baby....I think she was 14yo or so.  That kind of creepy would make for interesting reviews and again!  I'm so F'd off with the fact I have to consider him when putting together a business plan, wtf?

It's not me drawing them in.  It's the fact many many creeps and disturbed people act this way without consequence.

We don't have a zero tolerance anything.  The creeps are writing the laws FOR the creeps, imo.

And so, ya....I'd report him if I could back up my accusations.

BTW, dd18 us now turning her face away from the mailbox when I get the mail.  No big deal, right?

You add all those no big deals, right? up and you end up with reasons to feel watched and unsafe, bc there's....
Again.  A waste of my time.

I guess I have to sink into radical acceptance and warn the guests, which should go over swell.

I'm not even going to think about Crazy cat man escalating his behaviors if I report him to the police.  He's driven diwn our 1/4 mile long drive and spun around our turnaround, terrorizing caretaker in the past, btw.  He's driven onto the property when my guard dig could have chewed him up.....no fear, is what I'm relating here.

Hmmm...back to acceptance, bc that's not making waves or upsetting apple carts, right.

Excuse the snark.  I'm feeling pretty snarky, CB.

Thanks for response.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Mailbox "presents" should be reported to local postmaster. People aren't allowed to do that - even if it's neighbors sorting out misdelivered mail (which generally isn't a cause for alarm). But unless it rises to the level of a direct threat, theft or in this case porn, chances are they won't even report it to the postal inspectors.

I suppose it's impossible to know for sure, whether crazy cat man is just trying to get attention with his acting out &  showing off or if he does pose a real threat to the community. Might be worth a chat with the local sheriff to find out, you know? Just registering a concern about his behavior so far - and inquiring if you need to be worried. Chances are the sheriff will know this guy. Because it's probable you're not the only one being harassed.

I think that most communities are experiencing issues with people who "aren't quite right", at minimum, these days. People who need therapy; who are on medication - prescribed/otherwise - that removes inhibitions about bad behavior; people OFF their meds; people simply under stress who have no better tools for dealing with it... to people willing & able to steal, vandalize or harm someone. People who are just eccentric. It runs the full continuum. And most of us simply aren't capable of discerning which is which.

Moreover - many of us never had to deal with things like this; and even those of us who have - can be more sensitive to the sense that their personal space has been invaded by someone unwelcome. It's one of those exasperated realizations - "Can't I expect to be left alone & feel secure in my own home?" moments.

I don't have any advice on what to do. Myself, I've always taken those things on a case by case basis. In the abstract, I can have compassion for whatever catman's story is -- but in the real pragmatic world, I'd be trying to figure out the best way to restore my sense of privacy & security. There are lots of choices out there, across the range of options. Ignoring him or YG isn't solving the problem of feeling safe & unharassed, though sometimes that's the only viable option out there without making things worse.

[Hopalong]

I wish I could help, Lighter.
Spent all day yesterday watching George Floyd die over and over under the knee of a sociopathic power-player and what stayed with me was the heartbreak of the witnesses' helplessness and guilt at not being able to save him. Can't do it again.

I agreed with what CB wrote about reporting it and then with what Amber wrote about looping in law enforcement. Somehow, I think that's important...even if it's just a chat with the sheriff. One way or another, he should not be only on your radar, imo. That's stalker behavior.

Fingers crossed.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Read this on Quora today (though it's from 2019):

Narcissists are excellent liars, but then telling the truth is the natural thing to do. Still, why would people find it much easier to believe the narcissist than the victim?

This is a question I have pondered long and hard over my years in a narcissist's captivity and beyond. Part of the answer to this question is in the question: They are excellent liars. but, of course, that's not the entire explanation. Many people also choose to believe the narcissist over the victim. I know this is true as, in some circumstances, the evidence that the narcissist was abusing me was overwhelming and undeniable, yet people involved in those situations chose to "believe" the narcissist's cock-eyed version of events. I am saying that there is no way those people actually believed the narcissist. They chose to support the narcissist and the narcissist's lies over the victim's truth.

So then the question(s) become:

Why do people choose to support abusers over the abusers’ victims?

Why do people choose to support lies over truth?

The central reason for this is that many people consistently choose to align themselves with the power, or where they perceive the power to be. These are power-focused people. Power-focused people align themselves with bullies over victims of bullying. They align themselves with men over women in misogynistic cultures. They align themselves with child abusers over abused children. They align themselves with mobsters in mob-controlled environments. They align themselves with dictators, corrupt law enforcement officials, polluters, looters, thieves and murderers. They align themselves with narcissists in narcissistic cultures.

How can they do this? Don't they care about the truth? Don't they care about people who are being hurt, maimed and killed? No, they don't, or they don't care very much. They care about being aligned with the power, i.e., they care about themselves.

I know. It's a shock how many people are like this. I think it is more people than it used to be. They have infiltrated our government, business, economic, medical and law enforcement systems, such that the world has changed. The order of things, especially in the US, has become more power-focused, rather than truth, principle, health and justice-focused. The people, who live within these systems have likewise changed. They have become more power-focused which is another way of saying they have become more narcissistic.

[lighter]

So.....I'm going to ask my brother to deal with the CCM neighbor.   Brother has friends on local police force.  I don't have to solve this by myself, nope nope nope.
  Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Glad to read that, Lighter.  They may have had complaints from other people already, you never know.  I think it's good that he's put on other people's radars, however that may be xx

[sKePTiKal]

Yep, in this case, I think it's wise to delegate that job to him Lighter. Excellent solution.

[Hopalong]

Smart move, Lighter, ditto.
You don't need to engageme with toxic masculinity.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Holy guacamole, it is hard to change.
So.
Difficult.
I'm at the point where my chest has an imaginary convulsions when I catch myself and maybe stop a negative thought coming out my mouth.

Whew boy.

Not all is negative, to be fair.  I'm also working on saying less.  Giving advice when asked for, not before and staying in the present.  It's more difficult once I noticed how often I'm living in past and future AND we're traveling every week, staying at lake mire often than home.

So....not judging myself.  Just noticing. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hey, under the circumstances you're doing the best you can; it sounds like you're doing just fine with watching this. Just don't slip into putting negative thoughts/expressions about things in reality that are truly negative out of the range of talking & thinking about them.

Denial & pollyanna (fake) positivity isn't an antidote to those uncomfortable feelings. They're there to keep you safe.

[lighter]

Thanks, Amber.  DD18 and I talk without pretending, thank God.  I have a small group of friends who enjoy talking about our truths, but I'm not sure how to go about my day with everyone else.  Mostly I'm focused on whatever task I'm working at.  I'm often not chatty ATALL, but then I can be super engaged with people dealing with troubles...it's interesting to think about how one presents....authentic vs fake.  Serious vs playful.  Engaged vs distracted.

My internal dialogue right now is....

Ya, Lighter...... you had a thought, were reminded of X,  just keep trotting past that very real thing we're beyond now, it's ok.

I think having a response is better than letting the reactivity hang there....left to self correct while part if me observes.....tapping an agitated toe.....with expectations.

Back to non judgmental awareness.

Still no mail.  Last night DD18 and I checked the mailbox and DD Said....
"Crazy Cat Man knows how to stop short of trouble with the law.  It's like he's balancing his self control with skirting any consequences."

She's so right about that.

Lighter

[Meh]

Lighter,

I've often carried self-defense items in my purse. One time early in the morning it came in handy in the city. I got a guy to back down, turn around and walk away from me.

I can think of a whole variety of such items.

[sKePTiKal]

I wonder if you can out-crazy him Lighter?

You know about what time the mail arrives, correct? Make sure he doesn't see you collect it - right from the hand of the mailman, if need be. And then prepare a little shocking surprise for him. Something with light, noise and one dedicated videographer. Monster masks? Confetti release? AC/DC or Black Sabbath....

Smile - you're on candid camera!!!!