Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

Just so you know, I still haven't fixed the walking trail at my house, and it's still closed off from the public.

They're being so respectful and patient...... I tried to pick up 25 gallons of gravel yesterday, but the supplier was out.  I notice I'm motivated to get it done now. I might ask the guys to pick that ball up an carry it without me.

And it was really nice not having people traipsing through the yard all the time. 

I think I might leave the trail shut down to everyone but the 3 or 4 families I enjoy spending time with..... who help.

Less barrking from baby girl pug.  Less distractions. More privacy. 

Living in the moment is better.  I wish I could bottle it or summon it effortlessly all the time.

I think I'll just be grateful and savor it while I have it.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I think it's nice that it's quieter for you, Lighter.  We have pathways that run across the front and side of my house and I'm just conscious of movement as people go by.  Even that's enough to be distracting - it just disturbs your peace, I think, even if they're not making noise.  I hope the calm and quietness continue for you xx

[Hopalong]

Glad you've asserted your boundaries, Lighter.

Curious about why you're maintaining a texting/email relationship with YG, though. I thought when you first described his aggression that you were stressed seriously by it and that you were going to set and hold total NC?

Then again, I sure understand ambivalent feelings about men.

Glad either way if you're feeling good about the trail! Wish I could walk it.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Not texting YG. 

I text two other neighbors about the trail...... the doctor's husband and the guy who bikes through with his dogs, kids and wife.  He helped put down the larger river rock and let me borrow his wheel barrow. 

YG is noticably keeping his distance and I'm noticably feeling less stressed an reactive about him:)

I'm feeling better, all around, in fact. 

I'm at the lake, for instance, and a helper bee working with my contractor is attempting to mow many acres of thigh high grass, wet from last nights storm, with a push mower and a weed eater.  Since 5:55 this morning. I know this bc he woke me up.  Twice. 

I had to decide how to handle the situation.  I have things I'm doing.... I'm busy trying to finish up things to go back home for the holiday, but I can't let him break himself, and his helper, doing what he's doing.  I told him to wait till the grass is dry and he has access to a larger mower or two..... what he's doing is insane.  He said he wants to work, and I get that, but the job can wait till he gets the larger mower and some cooler dryer days.  They're weedeating around trees now, which seems reasonable. I could agree with that plan AND he's calling someone to line up the larger mower, which is imperative, IMO.

I think that would normally upset me very much, but not today. 

I thought about getting my brother's zero turn huge mower out, but that's not mine to lend.  I could see it.... ME getting lessons about using it.... the yard mowed in a couple hours...... him paid and on his way to another job.  It wasn't mine to lend and if something got messed up..... it would be my fault.   I didn't call my brother.... I came to read the board and see what Bee came up with.  That man has the energy an work ethic of an entire hive..... and he did find a mower to use.  It will be here today.  That was enough for me to let it go. 

Maybe Bee can talk to my brother about borrowing the big mower..... that might work out well, esp if brother thinks the guy is competent and can fix anything he breaks.  Not.  Mine.  To. Lend.  And I do want to learn how to mow with it, myself.  I will.

My brother will know what to do.  It's his wheelhouse.  I'll let it be, without feeling I should fix evrything for everyone, which I see very clearly.... I want to do.  Same witih the crazy cat man..... brother will deal with that, not me.  DEFINITELY not my wheelhouse.  CCM leaving me alone, btw.  Nothing in or around the mailbox since the cheap porn pic.

And....bc I wasn't able to respond to one of your prior posts about YG..... I've never been attracted to him. There's no reason for him to think I was.... it was all HIM.  Nothing to do with me.  I have peace with that and with letting that situation go.  I'm not reactive around it lately.  I dont know when that happened.... just glad it's happening.

It's better:)

Lighter

[lighter]

Youngest DD18 is Jenna.  She and I had good dental cleaning appointment first thing this morning, then Korean grilled pork Stone Bowls for lunch.  So good.  Ate every bite. 

Jenna offered to take pug to the vet with me, which is so helpful.  Went off without a hitch, except the pug let paws fly when I got out of car.  I looked in the car to see lots of activity, DD in distress, but hanging on, mask askew, pug punched in the head.....shaken, not injured.  Jenna has always had a Lucille Ball physical humor.....way about her.

There are newly laid frog eggs on the porch. I counted at least 4 different groups in 3 pots I use to collect rainwater.  They're full of rotting vegetation and algae.  Perfect for voracious tadpoles. 

Lighter

[lighter]

Building on the idea around empathic spirits in our lives.... particularly female spirits....... and being one IN my daughter's lives.....
I wonder how that impacts them.

If you think they're dependent on me for daily comfort and touchy  feely care.... you'd be wrong.  They're not.  They receive it much less than I extend it.  They rarely ask for it.  Sometimes oldest dd20 will crawl in bed with me and put hre head on my shoulder..... just THE best, bc she's not an affectionate being, typically. 

I'm wondering what this will mean for them, as they enter adult life.  What happens to people who receive gentle, kind mothering daily..... then have no gentle kindness daily?

My mother was motivated and wanted to work, wear pretty clothes and jewelry..... be spectacular in the world and admired and she was.  Her parenting style wasn't touchy feely........ it was her mother's style and mom said her mother was the perfect mother "for her." 

I took this to mean that kind of gentle kind parenting wasn't for children like me and my sibs.  WE were the factor guiding her parenting choices, but that wasn't true.  She was. It wasn't really her style and she was 20yo.  SO very young, IME.  A golden child. 

I'm not complaining, just wondering what the outcome is. My sibs are different....... all of us are different.  My girls are different.  One style of parentign doesn't determine what children will be, grow into, become..... how stable they'll feel, be in the world.

Each child is born with or without resillience.... more or less according to each child and experience.

As I compare the gal who cleans my teeth and my T....... the T doesn't really hit the same way the tooth gal does. The T asks things of me..... asks me to notice and explore pain and discomfort.... to face it...... tackle it.......and I don't seek her out they way I did when I was in more distress.

I don't melt into comfort and appreciation for gentle care with the T...... I do with the tooth gal.

On that note.... I'm feeling very gentle toward myself lately.  Noticing I'm not riding my back, critiizing, shaming, judging.... it seems like it just happened, but I know better.  I worked hard on it, then relaxed a bit, day by day?  Chastised myself, then chastised for chastising as I crept on on being more curious, less critial.  Learning to just notice.... putting that habit in place.... was hard won.  I DID that, and I noticed racing mind syndrome this morning at 4am...... just watched old patterns pop up..... breathed them away without much thought.

That's part of it.... not grabbing on to the negative thoughts.  Not giving them energy. Refusing to tend to them. 

But I'm not tending to myself with tsunamis of compassion..... and I could.  Might.  Should.

And there's that word again.... SHOULD. 

I don't like the way that feels anymore.  I don't want to do that anymore.

How about this....

I will extend myself more compassion and care.  I will prioritize myself going forward.  I will model THAT for my children.

I don't really believe the above... yet. This is the beginning phase. The introduction. The turning my focus toward something with intention.  Like backing off the criticism and shame.  I did that.  Life feels different today, bc of that focus.

Again, it reminds me of dropping through or rising through atmospheres.  Everything shifts, you're still in water. It's not easy to notice the changes.  Sometimes they're more subtle. Sometimes they're a big enough change,they can't  be missed,. but mostly it's smaller shifts I think.

Wow.  I feel pretty good about this.

Lighter

[lighter]

OK.... something BIG is happening for me... in my own opinion, of course, lol.

Managing to avoid reactivity = more ability to understand what's going on AROUND whatever the thing is.

I'm sinking into the problem of communication. 

I don't think it's ME that's the big problem. I think I'm constantly shocked and thrown off by what other people say and do....which creates tension/me stuffing feelings/anger/confusion....and THAT makes me feel weird, act weird.... etc. 

I see very clearly how cultivating  the illusion of being very aloof seves me.

I see how keeping my head down, not chiming in with my opinions helps keep discord down with people who feel they're right and are verey vocal about it, used to getting their way without question, etc.

The fact I'm usually very calm and soft spoken with my opinions makes me easy to dismiss or ignore is MY problem to deal with.

Learning to deal with that, while avoiding ultimatums and drama, is mine to handle.

I'm shocked at my ability to remain calm.  Not impressed.... just shocked, on reflection.

That my discomfort with conflict trumps my need to be heard, considered, valued, respected is a problem.... also mine to deal with.

Once I've begin ignoring the discomfort... once I consistently soldier through it to speak calmly, without expectation......
once I've found my voice and ability to use it BEFORE I'm at my edge..... everything improves, IMO.

For me, my family, those around me.  Especially me, though.

Taking the focus OFFwhat other people do and say..... to focus directly on what I say and do..... CAN DO..... is the way I want to go.

I'm actually going there now... on that new path.... and it feels amazing.

I notice old resentments falling away on this path.  I don't have to hold or puzzle out any of the old stuff. 

Just determine the new way things will go, for me, and do what I've always done.....
get it done.

THIS IS SELF CARE at it's core..... for me.

Now.

Wow.... my breathing is easier just writing that out.

It's overcast.... having stormed earlier. The rain and pug are content. I can almost feel the moss sigh.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Amen and halleeelooo!

Taking the focus OFF what other people do and say..... to focus directly on what I say and do..... CAN DO..... is the way I want to go.

Me, too.

Just went to a lovely party next door and had to work through several layers of feeing awkward, but enjoyed it mostly and though I left fairly early I'm glad I went. It was a surprise 70th bday for my British neighbor's partner--a very sweet man she met online. (Gives me courage!) He was so stunned and happy. She had an acoustic band, tent, hors d'oeuvres, and then flame dancers! Lots of great people -- the man's friends from COLLEGE came from out of town, plus his 3 kids and 5 siblings. Lots of happy people having happy reunions. And even on the outside ring, their moods were contagious.

Came home to stink-eye from Pooch since she wasn't invited (this neighbor always gives her meaty treats, so she races into her house and immediately sits in front of the fridge...it's hilarious).

M was invited but backed out. He's facing a cardiac ablation in a couple weeks and though he had a successful one 10 years ago he's feeling very melancholy and mortal. He's also uncomfortable with people who aren't his "class", but doesn't realize it. I can read him like a loooong book.....

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Gosh, the parenting topic really rang bells for me, Lighter!  I think that, in order for anyone to truly parent well, you'd need to be utterly complete yourself - all your own needs dealt with, baggage disposed of, life in order in every possible way - to be able to work out what each child needs and just give them that.  And no-one can do that.  We're all still growing and changing, and I know for me (and I expect it's the same for other people), a lot of my own 'stuff' didn't start to surface until I had a child.  I saw his needs, saw how to meet them - and saw how my own needs at that age weren't met.  Then it hasn't been modeled, so how do you meet them?  How do you know what to do?  Whilst juggling work, home, partner, your own parents, health needs, emotional stuff, and dealing with the unavoidable in life - divorce, bereavement, redundancy and so on?  It's a wonder any of us make it through, really.  Your comments about being more focused on what other people do and say rather than yourself - oof!  Like being hit by a sledgehammer.  Yes, often so much easier to take the responsibility for everyone else's feelings and thoughts and adapt ourselves to absorb it.  But where do we go in the process?  I find it very difficult to be calmly assertive.  I still find I say nothing for a long time and then explode.  It's a hard habit to break out of.  Very deeply ingrained.  This is amazing stuff you're digging through at the moment.

Just out of interest, do you think there's any link between your cleaner diet now and these insights coming up?  I just wondered if not dealing with various niggles caused by food reactions and so on is giving space for other stuff to surface?  I'm just aware how much I stuff my own emotions down with food - it kind of make sense that taking the stuffing out would let them come up? Great work, Lighter!  Wow.  Amazed by how much you're doing xx

Oh, and Hops, naughty neighbour!  Fancy not inviting Pooch to the party!  I'd be giving out stink eye as well   Lol, really made me chuckle xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

I think I took up pristine eating habits again ONLY bc my DD18 was in crisis around food. 

Otherwise, I'd still be waiting for dd20 to come around, then do it with her. That was the plan when I gained up 10lbs and lost ability to get into my favorite jeans.  Then another year went by that way and added another 10lbs. I thoght about taking better care of myself, but there's some guilt.... would feel like leaving my DD20 behind.... maybe inthe middle of a busy street.  The same as leaving my B when he had cancer...I would NEVER have left him, even though I was in a bad position to care for him.... wasn't supported in that mission, was treated badly by his family..... I stayed and did what I could....bc leaving him would have felt like leaving a child in the middle of a busy street.

Actually DOING it, for myself...eating perescriptively, by myself in a home where no one else is doing it..... was just impossible, besides feeling guilty about DD20's weight issues. Sometimes I think my gaining up was why youngest dd ended up with anorexia.  She said it wasn't, bc I asked, but it's IN my brain. 

So..... it's likely my being denied any small comfort, I used to receive from food IS a part of emotional stuff coming up, presenting itself, asking for attention..... sure. Just not the only reason, I think. 

Part of it is the rounded presentation of similar issues from you guys on the board...... touching on roughly similar things I'm dealing with too... presenting information differently...... offering up new ways to see and deal witth them.......
but mostly the food is bc of DD's anorexia and crisis.

That makes me sad.... that I couldn't just DO what I've always done.  Work out, hard.... for me. Eat well enough... for me...bc that's how I lived when not faced with the care and comfort of other dependent beings.

Hops:

I'm sure you made up for the snubb'in; )  Happiness restored ,with a treat, no doubt.  Pooch is lucky to have you.

I have no opinion on M's medical situation, but hope it works out for him.

Lighter

[lighter]

Tupp:

Your post reminded me...
I'm trying to invent a new language to navigate life.  To speak so I'm heard.  To address dismissive, disrespectful treatment, for surely I deserve to have a voice and be heard.

This requires unlearning....changing patterns. Stepping outside my comfort zone.

I have to rember.....when I speak, I have something pretty important to say.

I think about the good of all.

I research and do due diligence for many....for those refusing to do it for themselves.

So many times I speak and am dismissed....go silent rather than be labeled loud, pushy, bitchy....but there has to be a way to speak with balance in mind.

I can't stop people throwing themselves off cliffs.  What I can do is speak till I feel heard, then release expectation.

Feeling heard will be up to me and damn fear of being labeled. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Sometimes you can get your point across without using words Lighter.

Night before the last one, of Hol's film work - the Asst. Director was screaming on the radio to get a homeless man peacefully sleeping on "his" step out of the location shot. It was the film crew who were invading someone's home (in W. B'more, no less). Hol said he looked to be maybe 70. She grabbed all the snacks on her cart and took them to him, without saying a word except she hoped the guy had a good rest of the evening.

The next night, they were shooting in the same location. Same guy was there. The AD asked people to give the guy some space & time to move off the set instead. She figures someone pointed out to him, that he didn't have a whole lot of compassion for the people in the neighborhood they were disrupting. Despite promises to benefit the community and the whole point of the film was to bring attention to the actual life conditions there. (Same executive producer as "The Wire".)

I know full well she could've screamed back on the radio and shredded the man's selfish & tonedeaf tirade. But what she did was way more effective and spoke volumes. Moments like that make me proud of her inner strength and courage in the face of power run amok. The "grownups" as the executive production staff are known behind the scenes, weren't being very grownup.

[Hopalong]

What a great anecdote, Amber.

Hol respond with a combo of compassion and common sense, and created a teaching moment.

Wow.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

It's nice to read Hol handled a situation with compassion and calm, despite the upset "grownup's" shouting and upset.

I'm open to non verbal communication, but sadly..... it likely won't be acts of compassion and kindness....not as I SEE my current situations going in the foreseeable future.

The lake house was broken into and DD18 is a bit freaked out about it, which makes my protective mama bear rise up with a bit of a veangence.  If I know nothing about myself, I know I'm a human of action.  Physical violence is muscle memory.  Iwas reminded of that when walking throgh the garage this morning.  I passed a container with pics of ASPD Nh and my left fist shot out reflexively in a short jab that snapped my sleeve smartly.  It's funny, I've never wanted to punch him in the face before, but my body just DID it...... all amygdala.  It didn't derrail me.  I didn't think another thing about it, past how badly I miss working out.  I was so happy to feel that movement....hear the sleeve snap.  KNOW inflicting physical trauma is a part of who I am, if required. Somthing I can count on IF provoked or threatened, which is something I worried and fretted about as a younger woman....feeling very vulnerable in the world, particularly with young children.  I can pat myself on the back, feel empowered I took steps to rememdy that vulnerability and work at teaching the girls as they'll allow. 

At this point.....
new language for me is about having and keeping emotional distance...about avoiding reactivity..... about selecting non violenct language...... being succinct..... releasing expectation and judgment toward those I'm speaking with.  THAT is a new language for me WITH the people who, for whatever reasons, can't or won't listen to me, bc that pattern was forged in early life.  I doubt opportunity to be subtle will preset itself.  I think it's my chosen way of moving through the world and it's not worked very well AT ALL.  I'd rather BE subtle... use humor..... be very kind and soft spoken, but I end up railroaded and voiceless. 

Learning to speak up, continue speaking, figure out how to calmly state and restate something so I find an ear..... I'm reminded of how my T would present the same thing many ways.... calmly.... without judgment......just retreating a step and re entering with a fresh view that connected with me in that moment. I'd like to have that power, and skip frustration and judgment. 

It's all about SEEING what's really THERE, if I avoid upset and frustration.  What appears IF I simply speak, without biting tongue until I can bit no more.

I think it'll feel like water....flowing..... gently..... without interruption..... as will responding to anything coming my way.  A flow of communication in the present.  Not weighed down by the past.  Not informed by fear of what MIGHT happen.  I noticed there was a lot of future thinking when I learned the lake house was broken into...... particularly when DD18 began voicing her distress, bc she's struggling pretty hard right now anyway. 

THIS feels so powerful to me.  The letting go of old stuff I didn't realize held me.  The fact I've been unaware of some of it feels like I wasn't holding on to it at all. I was wrapped in it.....not understanding it.  Barely aware, but for the feeling I was in my own way, somehow.  Lots of stuff there.  Not so complicated.... many layers feels more accurate.   I feel like I have the tools to actually clear things as they come up instead of frustratingly notice them while doing nothing to process them.  That's a maddening pattern I hope I'm changing.  I feel like I'm changing it.

The ability to physically respond in an offensively defensive manner..... is reassuring also. Don't get me wrong.  I've been wound up so tight, for so many years, moving through the world in reptilian brain mode...... feeling cocked all the time..... ready to go off..... waiting.... just going off would have been more relief than facing more trauma.........the not knowing....the waiting..... was the more difficult part.L:iving in fear is painful.  I know I've posted about it here, but my.... wow.  I can't remember exactly what used to happen, but I think my fists used to go up  when I approached stairs...... my posture was twisted left side forward.... a fighting stance.  I used to notice being twisted  in the car..... and I don't do that anymore. I don't think about it, resent it, mourne feeling relaxed, bc I'm not switched anymore.  My biochemistry isn't hijacked anymore.  I feel so much stronger than I have in years.  Very strong.  Very ON. 

I feel empowered through and by that physical ability and  knowing, but it doesn't expand possibility or the feeling of possibility new language opens up for me.

I'm sure that would make more sense if I could read through it a time or two and shorten it up, but I have to get out the door.

I might change it later.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

It makes sense to me Lighter. Both pieces - the defensive mindset and learning to not react, say clearly the most helpful thing I can in a situation, and even letting old stuff go -- just sorta dry up and float away from me.

Don't know what I walked into picking up the trash & delivering the mail at the hut, yesterday - but I surely know what was radiating off Hol yesterday. There was housework to catch up on. Maybe other stuff I don't know about. Contractor trenching for power to be run to the garage - right in front of the hut where they park. I exchanged a quick glance with Steve, relayed my message, pet Knuckles who thought I was the greatest thing he encountered yesterday... and departed quickly. Not reacting; dropping the rope. Not giving it a second thought.

She was so exhausted even after sleeping long after her return, I think she's just a grumpasaurus right now. Anything I said - would be unwelcome, so I just give her her space... and she didn't have to run or interrupt what she was into for those tasks.

I pick up the feeling in a situation, non-verbally, before the rest of my brain can find a decent set of descriptive words. Takes me a bit for that part of my brain to catch up, especially when the feeling is intense. Like in push hands, if your partner moves in an unexpected way - I'll be cognizant; see it; sometimes be able to counter sufficiently - but it all happens way faster than I could say anything about it. There might be a grimace or little smile instead.