Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I wrestled with anxiety and upset for the morning then called oldest DD20 to ask her advice about father's caretaker.

DD listened without saying anything but...uh huh..... I understand.... go on. 

IT WAS AMAZING!

Who has the ability to remain completely neutral and above emotionally triggering things I WILL TELL YOU WHO MY CHILD.That's who. 

And after I said everything I needed to say, she commented ONCE to agree with my sister and that was it. She didn't want to say abother word, gossip or ANYTHING.  Not one negative word.  Just the facts, and nothing but the facts.  So level.  So crystal clear with her intentions.  Impeccable with her words.

I've seen her do this with her friends in the past.  I've always known she was special.... that her physical energy is calming, but typically we butt heads in so many ways we laughed about during this call. 

And now she's stepped into adulthood with a phonecall.  It reminded me of when she did my eye exam...... maternal, careful, focused energy I was happy to have around me.

I have serenity around the decisions I was wrestling with. 

I have clarity.

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm sorry for the confusion, CB.

My father had a brain surgery that left him half paralyzed, one eye wouldn't open, couldn't speak or swallow and lived pretty much that way for 20 years.

BEFORE he had that surgery I forced him to postpone it, bc he didn't get 2nd and 3rd opinions.  I ordered his MRIs from the hospital, made those appointments, went alone to them and relayed the information to my father....he likely wouldn't be able to breathe after surgery.  He'd have to learn to talk and walk and swallow again.  I knew he'd never do any PT and so was against the surgery.

My father didn't want to believe it hear that.  His  live in servant screamed at me, told me I angeredy father, treated me like I was upsetting him for deviant reasons that make no sense, but she drove me away and father had the surgery.

Fast forward to the hospital.  Me sitting on father's chest, holding him down in his hospital bed as he tried to drag himself into the street to kill himself, the maid curled up on the floor, shaking violently, in shock....and she said....
"You were right, Lighter "

Fast forward to father refusing all PT. Note therapists all women.  I was right about that too, but really unhappy about it.

Note Father eventually accepted enough PT to learn to swallow again, from a male PT, bc he was trying to wrestle food from us and missed scotch.

Note the maid became caretaker and spent a bit of time feeling resentful about it....note I wasn't resentful or in a "told you so" mode.  I was sliding down walls wondering why no one could hear me before it was too late and continued not to hear me.

Note caretaker stole 80k from my grandfather and at least 10k from my father's safe in cash about 5 years into the post op debacle I did nothing to create.  Note caretaker admitted it to me, then got verbally cruel with my father, threatening to leave him....taunting him in front of me.  I told him she stole.  I asked him what he wanted me to do.

Of course he chose the caretaker, bc she lifted him, bathed him, put pills in his mouth and then his water glass with the right straw so he never had to relearn ANYTHING else.  This was another problem.  She liked him docile and dependent..... now re cleaning, no one telling her what to do.  She was head of household, really.  She told me that's why she didn't leave for a better paying job when her friends and family urged her to go.....bc she didn't have anyone bidding her around.  What she had was our support and help.  We all helped her.  She wasn't a maid anymore.  She began acti.g like a grandmother to our children.  Asking to babysit, but I was raising my own children and had childcare close by.....someone who didn't bounce balls off baby's heads and laugh about it, frankly.

I talked to caretaker about not letting dad pull on her to stand him up and sit him down, but she did it anyway.  All attempts my sister and I made to get dad doing more were thwarted by caretaker. It dad and caretaker.

When we challenged him, on caretaker's behalf,he ordered us out of the house.

Caretaker's back began breaking down so my sister and I propped her up, put our backs in harm's way and nursed dad and her till she could go back to yanking him up and down again.

It didn't work.  None of it, but talking them out of that insanity wouldn't work as long as caretaker allowed dad to call the shots.

Fast forward many years of caretaker buddyfocking me, trash talking me, sabotaging me while I supported the mission, bity tongue and persevered....paying her extra, bc she deserved it....caretaker's work hard, even the ones who steal. Paying her every time she watched my kids, maybe twice.  Paying her to feed my dog.  I paid as I went and she played Nana, even as she stole and stabbed me in the back.  I'm over it. Nuff said.  I'm actually understating.  I'm a different person now.  Won't happen again.

Fast forward to Nana bringing her youngest DD to the US in 2013 bc we did the work to get Nana her citizenship AND her DD.

About the time Nana was set to retire, only a threat mind you......my father died and before daughter's husband and 3 children joined her to live at my father's lake house where they lived like gypsy flop house renters....I think Dad willed himself into a stroke before they arrived.   won't go into the months of cleaning, bc I'm finally over it, but they weren't good stewards.  Two if them were grateful.  4 were decidedly not.  I got over that too.  A good T worth their weight in gold.

Fast forward to my sibs and I, brother's gf super competent and instrumental realtor,  helping caretaker's SIL find a miracle house, finance it and move into it while they sabotaged, dragged their feet and extended the time they were in the lake house for reasons unknown.... I'm over that too. My brother really stepped up.  Patience of a Saint.

Fast forward to caretaker stealing approx 7k yearly, bc she's lying about something we admittedly should have beenore on top of.  Sibs and I don't begrudge her the money, but I'm ready for.....
I'm ready to stop allowing myself to be manipulated.  Caretaker received what dad said he wanted her to have.  He didn't bother putting it in the will.  We honored it and more.

I'm ready to leave caretaker's version of events behind.....whatever would my sibs and I have done wo her?  I told her.....we would have enjoyed watching our father still riding his tractor had she not been there.  He never would have had that surgery wo her there, bc I would have stayed on the due diligence mission and convinced him it would be disastrous for him to have the surgery and she wouldn't have been there telling him I was a bad mean DD trying to deny him restored health, bc lighter mean.

Really upsetting for me and the mission is done. Over.  I feel I've paid her everything andire than she was due from me.

Conflict raises it's head when I think about howuch she was paid, all the childcare and pet sitting she provided for my brother without payment....she was a stable grandparent figure in my niece and nephew's lives actually caring for my nephew for months while SIL and brother built a home.  She was Nana.  My nephew was her favorite.  It was lovely and I know he flourished under her care.

I think my brother has different obligations than our sister and I are left with and he needs to figure that out. 

D D helped me figure out it wasn't mine to wrestle with and I was really struggling.

Now, in the present Caretaker continues taking mail from mailbox.  Checks.  She must still have a bank account iny father's name. Bills I need to pay, but are still in her name and her DD's name so the children's hospital would pay them and they could pocket that money, bc they lived here all expenses paid, which was great.   Their youngest 11yo child, a son got cancer and it was curable, thank God and they received the best care, at no expense, then Covid hit.  Really tough stuff.....
...we supported and helped and allowed them to live as they wanted without bothering them....much. My BIL was trying to get a career path started for caretaker's SIL, but he needed better English skills.  They all refused to help him learn better English, we had words over it and since they all refused to speak English when we visited we stopped visiting much, bc you could tell they were talking about us.  It was weird. 

I like the SIL.  I flew him to the island and paid Nana for his work, bc her story was herDD refused to help financially and was being cruel to her.....refusing to communicate.  I think it's all manipulative BS and am ready to lay rest to that circus and those clowns.

If caretaker asks for the checks, she's used to sneaking from mailbox, I have decisions to make about that conversation though I feel it will be very brief. Very kind.  Very final.

I don't need to explain the buddyfocking had consequences, fior surely they have and she knows, deep down, for herself.

In the meantime, caretaker has SocialSecurity, a home paid for with stolenoney in her home country and medicare.....family legal and working in the US we did the paperwork for, paid the fees, airfair and living expenses for almost 3 years while patiently waiting to take the house back and figure out if we can afford to keep it.  Oh, the smell.  The smell.

They took almost everything they wanted with them.  I kept a lamp and a table with sentimental value.  Sibs and I kept fiamily heirlooms that didn't walk out the door, but Caretaker wanted everything....to ship in boxes back to her third world village, which was a bad idea at $300.00 a box AND.....family heirlooms.

She got the $400 mixer, all but my grandparents cast iron pans
...everything she could take.....anything newer was hers, but the one lamp and table too big for their wonderful 3/2 home too small to fit them anyway.  And they're perfect here.  I touch them when I walk by them.  They bring me joy.  I brought them to to this house and I was tempted to say take it to everything they asked for.

I didn't bc I honestly dislike caretaker's DD, almost 40yo now. Since she hated me from theoment she saw me.....I cut myself slack just as I cut her slack for how she feels.  Not right or wrong, just how it is.

I'm ready to release them with love.

Ya.  I can say that's where I'm at right now.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Oh, dear. Please accept these bold descriptions as from a blunt language-brain but also a compassionate heart. (It's not unusual for someone to detect one but not the other!)

I see a Lighter perpetually struggling with boundary issues with people she employs. Emotionally stricken by puppydog eyes, particularly male ones. Drawn to suffering as though it's a massive magnet. Manipulated and mistreated by some she tries to direct, like the thieving caregiver. Eagerly entering conversations about health issues and food that are by definition, intimate and personal subjects. Beginning employer-employee relationships on that note. Launching into rescue mode, teacher mode, many other modes that are intimate and not employer mode. Sometimes the results are happy and good. Other times, there is drama, exploitation (of her) and misery, and she's bewildered.

My British next door neighbor was lost and massively lonely when she bought the house. She decided to build a wing. She hired a contractor and shortly declared, repeatedly, what "good friends" they were. She never stopped telling me excited anecdotes about how close they were and about the long personal conversations they had. He ripped her off and did tens of thousand$ of terrible shoddy work that had to be redone. Took him to court and never got her money back. Still the wing has water control problems.

Every yard man or hourly crew member becomes her friend or her rescue project. She loves talking about her close relationships with them all, because each and every one is her buddy. She makes a big deal about how there are no social barriers or limits whatsoever, because she is so egalitarian. She inititates and encourages long personal conversations with many of them, and pays them for their bonding time.

She hates class barriers (quite righteously) and pushes through them as though it's her personal obligation via this particular relationship to rearrange the world. (She told me enthusiastically --truthfully-- when we met, "I was raised by Communists!"). It's a joke between us now and her heart (like yours, Lighter) is completely genuine. In an unconscious way she melts every time she meets a contractor or landscaper and feels driven to enmesh into or improve their personal lives in SOME way, to show herself that she's not holding herself above them because she has the money. Instead, she is a benefactor who is somehow very dependent on them, yet needs their personal, emotional connections and trust to affirm to herself that this is an equal or even close relationship, and it is healing something in their lives. She doesn't quite see how she's seeking a kind of healing from workers for her own interior life. It all gets mixed together.

She's much less enmeshed with all these workers since she got a boyfriend. She had terribly missed her husband and sex, and all these men have strong bodies.
I used to say when she called with bewilderment about how one of the latest of those relationships had gone wonky, "Remember, these are employees; they are not your friends. You don't need to befriend every worker who comes your way. You can be friendly but also maintain appropriate distance that helps you remember your purpose in hiring them, review their work, be glad when it's good, correct calmly or take action when it's not, and then sincerely bid them a nice evening when they're done for the day." She was so traumatized by the contractor that I offered her a mantra: "He is here to work, not to be my friend."

She was very, very lonely. A widow. Missed male energy acutely. But her boundariless approach harmed her and wound up upsetting her over and over.

I have no idea if there are any "pings" for you in all this. I'm positive it won't be a perfect overlap, and it may not connect at all. It's just what came up because of my neighbor's saga/s. If it's exaggerated, well, I'm a writer...can't always help it.

I know you can sort all this out. I know you already have, a lot. I'm not frightened for you but I can hold up a vision of this sticky stuff not undermining you as it so often seems to get structured to do.

And, projecting....I couldn't enjoy managing big-scale renovations as you do if nearly all males were going to send either my attraction or my rescue wires a-buzzing, either emotionally or physically or whatever. I have to keep things in clear boxes with fat lines around, because I too can get swamped by mixed messaging -- my own or theirs.

I had a landscaper with whom I'd had a caring, rescuing, very genuine emotional desire to help...(and to whom I was attracted) turn up on my doorstep in the middle of winter one day, and throw his arms around me in a very strong embrace. It shocked me awake. I realized it wasn't fair to him or to me to have encouraged and invited his emotional connection to me. I had done that, out of my own neediness. That day I saw it. He still works for me and there's plenty of mutual respect. But no more rescue or buddy mode. I wanted to help him take his citizenship exam, help him rehearse, etc. There are local organizations that do this for immigrants. I was not the only one who could fix it! Other wires were buzzing and I'd disavowed them.

So it comes from that experience, too -- all this description of some things that MIGHT ping for you, Lighter. I wish you freedom from this particular kind of complication. I think with your big visions and big intelligence, you are strongly drawn to problem solving and solution finding for others. It's a great motivation. But I wish it didn't have to play out in your own life and own situations where you are hiring people.

I might be wrong about all of this, way off the mark, or projecting waaaay too much to be seeing it well. I see you as remarkable and interesting and boundary-breaking in lots of GOOD ways, too. I think you deserve healthy friendships, and more of them. We are all social creatures--it's an essential part of life. But to me, warning bells ring when my excited engagement starts to focus in on someone I hired or pay.

Dunno if I'm right, at all. I've employed a few con- and subcontractors (for 3 months) and the lawn/landscaper guy, but not to the extent that you have.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Well, recent contractors, the Son In Law of father's caretaker..... are all super competent, creative problem solvers of LARGE problems with many moving parts, which is every project I seem to take on.  I have a very fair working relationship with current contractor,but he has back issues, as does "caretaker" in Bimini, as do I.... so I always have PAIN FREE books to hand out, which is a 5.00 investment in their health and our ongoing arrangement of them WORKING for me and them being able to work.

And I do connect with people..... the things we have in common. Food if I'm feeding them which makes for more productive workdays, creates positive energy and time to share belief systems around food, which I have strong feelings about, as do you.  It's not a connection I have with everyone. I don't NEED to fix them, but I share when they're intersted and asking or have similar beliefs around food.

I absolutely get good work at a fair price....more than fair, IMO and I pay exactly what's asked and sometimes more if it's worth more and I know it.

I don't break things down into social standing, equal footing, mixing of social with business. Everything's business.... at the jobsite, not outside contact I don't fend off and that was with the crazy contractor who invited himself to holidays and pouted fiercely when I traveled.  It was too bad. I continued forth as though he wasn't.  Set boundaries he agreed to,but lied about. It blew up in my face and I have a pretty good undrestanding of what made that so toxic.  I felt it, sensed it, was smacked in the chops by it, but the trade off was amazing work at fair prices at a good pace, at least till the end and that was the end, however drama packed it was.  I handled my end, limited harm and got him paid.... out of my life.   I DO know he's suffering with mental disorders though. I understand he has a list... that type always does..... of people he'd lash out at should his life go upside down.  That he has a wonderful grown daughter will likely pull him back into whatever is considered homeostasis for him, which is hopeful.

THIS contractor is a trim man.  A good fit to build tiny homes on trailers.  He has 2 sons who're welders.  They work by the hour.  If we maybe start a business he'll be treated like a partner not an employee removed from means of production.  That means he'll be paid for the outcome and job, not for his limited time. 

I see that as a win win.  Not me saving him.   Not me fixing  him,but me doing what I do.....making sure everyone's ok, which is part of my retaining homeostasis in my life and I'm perfectly good with that.

Particularly as I have very pointed boundaries up and running right now. The time with my friend really focused my attention on what I do,think and feel regarding caretaking/saving reactivity.  You're right in small ways, but it's about competent forward motion with projects and renovations. It's never about friendship or lonliness..... I'm an introvert seeking alone time and I always require it after interacting with people.  I've been glued to youngest DD throgh this entire project, so my lively chats about bones and food and health are about sharing ideas.  I'm very clear on this, for myself.  I believe I'm very clear on this with employees, even tho the crazy contractor was attracted to me BC I was distant and refused to allow boundary stomping.... till I was stupidly stuck on the island with him with no where to go.... him pulling up a chair to face him.... inviting me to sit down and talk about something he was going to have a tantrum over my answer, bc I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear.  THAT would have been....... against my nature,but also reason for him to go crazier than he did while I held boundaries he railed against daily.

I won't tie myself to unstable people anymore....no matter how badly I need their skills.  I say that, but...... desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures and the island was desperate times. 

Your neighbor's experience doesn't resonate with me.   I 'm so pleased with the work I receive and that's the only reason for involving these men in my life. I tried to hire a female contractor on the lake house project, but she was caring for her grandchild and could't do it.  She's a lot like me.... likes to jump in and get her hands dirty.  Straight shooter....straiter than myself, for sure and that's all good.  Keeps things clean and clear.

My inner world HAS TO reflect my outer world. It's a THING about me that's not negotiable.  If I wanted male companionship I wouldn't seek it out with the men I hire...... in any small or large way.  Doesn;t even occur to me, though they appear to enjoy having a woman around who can carry her own weight, run a tractor and wield tools, split wood, tear up dog pee carpet,throw it over her shoulder and keep going till it's in the very tall container, ya. 

My inner workings fit well with a man who worked on farms, went to University, became a high powered executive in a high powered company.... an introvert, but for all the work contact he had to perform with clients....... who was quiet and focused on his inner workings, what made me tick and happy and pleased,bc that was who he was.  He was on his own journey,w ith T he kept after T said he was done. B took me into a T session with him when he was dying and his oldest DD was emotionally beating the stuffing out of us both...... he was stuck behind the curtain, I'd say.  Always peeking out, one of those men who do too much, never complain and find happiness and purpose in being useful and attentive....attuning to his mate and we were both nice people.  For the first time, nice people together.... a first for both of us, really... at least in ways everythingseemed to click, after tweaking.

I'd had nice, and educated, tall, blue eyed, employed man before..... interest in tropical fish, but he couldn't attune to me.  I was irritated by him much of the time.  It wasn't right.  Made me kind of mean. I can admit that. I was kind of mean to B when he wanted to go fast too quickly...... but he came back.  I was really really glad he did. 

In the meantime, work and play never mix for me.  I can't save anyone else, esp from themselves.  I feel as though I've been energetically pulled back, into myself..... home, comfortable..... with proper boundaries up....... they don't require energy, but I have stickign points.Old reactivity.  Things come up. Particularly if I care about someone's opinion....... I struggle tillI figure out how I FEEL... really FEEL about it.  Sometimes that's a day or a year or 10 years to figure out.  Sometimes I do what I have to do to get throgh something,. but I'm not who I was yesterday.  I'm different today and capable of things I couldn't do yesterday in regard to walking with boundaries in place....... carrying them with me.....not feeling guilty about it..... somewhat puzzled when people around behave differently when I didn't expect it.  My grown children are the same way, in every good way possible. If I'm doing well, they seem to shift into more ease and comfort too. 

DD19 is struggling with nicotine withdrawls while dealing with her eating disorder, body image, seeing herself as ugly....and it doesn't make for happy and smooth companionship all the time, but then I don't require she BE that in my life.  She's with me, most of the time, bc she's in crisis and requires tending to,but it's her doing the work.  I facilitate...... I support the mission, which is my thing.

Corroboration.  Collaboration.  Everyone OK.  I'm happy to play chess for the sake of playing. I don't rush winning..... same with dealing with contractors.  I don't take advantage of, cheat or otherwise rob then of their time and skills, bc I have respect and honor their skills the same I'd honor an MD's.... well. More, frankly.  And that has to be OK too. 

I'll never be rich bc I'm exploiting employees. That's true. 

I see that as positive mo jo, not as an innapropriate relationship, or otherwise screwy connection bound to end up in disaster.

These boundaries...... they'll keep me safe and I believe that.

It's an amazing tihng to sense them around me...... sort of unexpected, really.  Like I withdrew myself behind them.... found them waiting there, all along as I let my energy go all over the place.... in every direction...... maybe asking to be forgiven for what I felt was wrong with me..... unconsciously always believed was flawed about myself.... requiring... what?  Acceptance as i was? Forgiveness?  I have no idea,but I'm pleased I've arrived. I am home:)

What is that?  Processing?  SEEING myself and my friend under the strain of forced togetherness.... in gentle awareness, I do my best to hold open..... remain curious..... be IN my body.  Keep going back to myself....back home to myself.

There was a time that was just a sentence out of my T's mouth.  I sAw her lips move. Heard the words.  They meant nothing to me.  Frustrated me.  I was bitter and resistent and wanted to SEE.... wanted her to prove what she said. SHOW me, don't talk about it.  It was a process, to be sure.

As we worked together there were glimpses of meaning.  A glint of light here.  A peek there. And it grew and I'm the benefactor of a good fit in T, which is mirable itself, IME.

Crazy alchemy.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Good good GREAT. I believe you!

So glad I was addressing old stories.
And so impressed with the new ones.

It's as though you're framing a new structure and doing it with care and skill and sound materials that suit the function.
It's not a brittle shell but an appropriately protective edifice and you're getting very comfortable with housing and respecting your own self.

Bravo.
I'm glad I was way off and that my neighbor's saga doesn't relate.

So good to be so far off!

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Wanted to go way back to our chat about T things, Lighter.

Where you noted that in your process, your T's grace with your "tantruming inner toddler" or your "angry inner toddler" -- she was brave, and able to join you in accepting that side of your inner child...and how much it HELPED.

I think I can get to a more productive place with my T.
For me, if I'm being honest with myself (I hope), the scene is different. Because what my inner toddler feels is more like terror and broken-heartedness.

My anger can come out in snippy language...but it's about protecting myself from fully feeling (or airing) just how sad I was.

I was hopelessly gentle and sensitive. I had virtually no self-defense reflexes. I was tapioca as a little, little girl.

I'm not that now. In fact I over-compensate with emotional boldness sometimes. But I think the inner toddler I want to protect is someone that can't handle being prodded with too sharp a stick.

Looked at another way, it could be cowardice. But I think what I do with others' energy is fight (only verbally) but generally absorb absorb absorb because I WANT to love and understand and illuminate, endlessly, no matter the cost.

I remember M's complete deafness and how we argued and confronted and I stood up roaring about his misunderstandings and entitled obliviousness about how he waved the carrot of helping my D under my nose but then included so much posturing and manipulation that made him the Knight...and then when I refused him that option, he withdrew the whole tantalizing idea. That he might send her a life-changing $5K or $10K and yet..if he didn't do it entirely anonymously or without any manipulation or credit-seeking whatsoever, it could tank any microscopic scrap of hope that I'd ever see my child again. He didn't understand how precarious and fragile the entire balance with her is, and couldn't grasp who I was and what I was trying to tell him because his ego was narrating.

So it was SO FRAUGHT and overwhelming for me that it was without doubt one contributor to why I had a stroke.

All that said, that's why I paid attention when I got chest pains when my T was urging me deeper that day. I know, and she doesn't, how my psyche and physical body can get together to yank me in the wrong direction. And until she shows a fuller understanding of that "fragility" -- I won't go that vulnerable. Not yet.

Our last session was good and upbeat and comfortable. I still don't know how complex she can get or how much I can do with her. Still, I'm continuing. She's good and genuinely trying and I want to honor that.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Cowardice.
Coward.

That's an awaful lot of lable to strap on to a toddler's back, IME.

Avoidance and seeking behaviors are just  human.  Everyone,,  mostly, avoids pain, Hops. 

Seeks relief and comfort...... distraction.

I'm glad you had a good appt with your T.  I guess I might have had a good one or two.... left feeling very positive aftre NOThaving to feel really deeply into uncomfortable things,  but  mostly I was fruatrated, bc I didn't OR dazed and amazed, bc I'd faced the dragons and lived to experience miracles unfold.  Sometimes right then and there. Sometimes on the drive home.  Sometimes in the days and weeks to follow, but man.... the best, most amazing investment of my time and limited resources was this amazing trauma informed T. 

Lighter

[lighter]

Well, DD and I went to sleep after driving through 5 oclock Atlanta traffic INTO town, then back out again.  Exhausting.  People are on their phones in the fast lane, doopy dooing along, driving next to trucks, not passing then speeding up when I tried to pass on the right and it brought up some stress for me....... I'd just look at them and raise a hand like.... what are you doing?  Not express anger. I was truly curious.... WTH are you thinking trying to run me into the back of a truck bc I went around you at 80 mph and you sped up from 70 mph,the speed  limit, to match my speed and cut me off so I had to slam on my brakes..... and the guy slowed down and let me over, then got over himself.  No crazy road rage incident, just a guy being asked why and I could tell.... he just wasn't thinking THEN someone tried to pass on the right, an unwritten rule NOT supposed to happen, and that brings up a bit of shame so there;s speeding up then..... eye contact, the question and he just went limp.  I got to go on my way.

There were other incidents like that, but I refuse to bright people politely to ask them to consider moving out of the fast lane if they're just going to block it and ride parallell to other cars.  I find that's a good way to get killed, IME.  Esp in Ga.

And I do think most people are in their own little bubbles.... not DOING stuff like that to be dicks.  Just not aware of what and where they are in a moment on the highway.   This is new for me.  Really wanting to know WHY someone is doing what they;re doing on the road.  Not to say I didn't have some explatives pop out, but I noticed curiosity more than anything AND Iwasn't switched at the Nutritional Response Testing.  My stomach was the only thing that was off, which translated into inflammation in my joints and ligaments, etc.  Really frightening in the shoulders...... fearful words like MS were popping into my head.

DD sleeping now. I woke up at 9:30 and had a taco salad, happy I didn't have to look out the window and see a buzzard perched on the porch.  Again.  The contractor shot them earlier today and was very happy with himself. I was very happy I didnm't have to deal with them.  I knew I wasn't going to harm them.  Just couldn';t deal with that...... and contractor said if I did I was to shoot them in their little heads, small target, bc body shots would make a very bad and huge smell.  The buzzards do smell like wet dogs when calm and happily perched.  I'll clean up all the bird poop mess in the morning, in the cool of the morning and clean up the boxes of tile they made into a nest.

I'm relieved not to be startled by them when I turn the corner from the car, when I open the front door, when I walk around the house. 

I;m relieved not to have these huge birds flapping around, pooping and living on the old buffet my mother painted black when I was 2yo, and now resides by the front door.  The top is white with droppings... you can't tell it was black.

Gack.

Going back to bed now.

Nite.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

The droppings-distressing technique...eeerrrggghhh. Vulture guano...hmmm....lucrative side business? Probabaly an amazing organic fertilizer!

(It's funny-- I was randomly watching videos the other night and just saw this one)!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODI-OLDz_4o


Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Pardon my big butt-in...

But yeah, Lighter makes a good point about accepting that coward label. You don't have to agree with it Hops. However the word was applied to you or where it came from (unfairly) children often blindly accept things like this and internalize it; eventually making it part of one's identity.

I don't agree that not speaking up about your feelings is cowardice. Particularly as a child, when one is described as too emotional or sensitive or intense... it becomes a taboo to even feel those feelings, much less express them. The invalidation of those feelings is easily taken in as invalidation of self, since children don't exactly compartmentalize themselves into "mind" and "feelings". So as one grows up with that conditioning, one is really self-conscious (in a negative way) about speaking those feelings out loud. The end result of that internalization is invalidating oneself. (And that leads to internal conflict and confusion; the decision paralysis too, sometimes.)

Somehow you stayed connected to your feelings, Hops. You protected them the best you knew how. They're there; they're you; and they can be intense. That's to me, a great strength in you, Hops - your ability to stay emotionally centered no matter how much thinking is going on. I admire that a LOT.

[lighter]

Hmmm....those buzzards we're never going to make it to their forties pooping on our entrance porch, Hops. 
That music was never going to play in the background of turkey vulture life on my mother's buffet. 
Nope nope nope.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Amber, that brought tears. Thank you.
I've braved. Some things.
More to go and now's the time to practice
before I don't have the option.

Lighter, I'm laughing. You can't pick vultures
over porch (and the guano must be....yecchhhh!).
Wonder if a wildlife center could relocate them?

hugs
Hops
 

[lighter]

Ahhhh, yes, Hops.  Turns out contractor climbed the dead pine, gently captured the 2 vultures, climbed down and  "took them to see their families at the farm."

Contractor went by today to "relocate" what appears to be a third V, hopefully last.

We have many many TurVs in this area.  They're good for the environment.  They fascinate me.  Their poo and scary flapping in my space, do not.

Drive through a 3 minute rain storm during a 2 hour Trek on highways.

Noticed I've learned this BE curious lesson before.  Knew it well.  Practiced it.

So many things can knock us off center and learning to notice is necessary.  Learning to pull it back on course...necessary.  Learning to forgive when we forget or "fail."

Necessary.

Walked the pug....fast.  It was splendid and overcast and exactly right.

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm experiencing another....
"Am I having a stroke moment?"

Yesterday a state of bliss entered my entire being while driving through downtown the second time yesterday.  I really believe it's the looking left right left right left right....in this case exploring the new and old shops and tourists ...only one Asian family wire masks.  Nobody else.....what madness.

So, the bliss.....it was as if young lighter, 13 maybe, peeked out and looked around.  I remember the day I banished her sleepy eyes, relaxed posture, unguarded kind heart.  How that conscious decision must have felt....to be judged wrong and unlovely.....asked to step back....to go away.

And THAT was so joyful....I wept and laughed and welcomed her back.

I see my T on Tuesday, face to face!  So excited.

The Pug and I had a fine 3 mile walk in the ancient forest this morning.  Hansel and Gretel or a bear could have turned a corner and not surprised me.  I waited to see how  things went, how I felt.....if the joy stayed before sharing

I'm in observer mode.  It comes and goes.  I notice and have the choice to pull it back on track while noting the mechanics.

Sometimes.....
sometimes....
there's a certain pleasure in the darker energy.  Like a comfortable and familiar luxurious brocade I choose to slide into and occupy.  There are things I like about it, if I'm being honest.  13yo lighter.....would never, but the Lighter whipped by years of aggression building fockery is comfortable and responsive in that worn, tattered in places cloak.  I wear all my clothes into painting rags....they please me.
I like what I like.  I hate to shop.  Young light is safer behind the cloak, even if she's sleeping.

I'm having brunch with DD20 at a place we love.  We're getting along so well and I cultivate joy with both girls daily....like it's my last day with them and that's becoming a daily habit since the contract on lake fell through.  It started this wonderful......feeling everything will fall away, but I have THIS moment to enjoy.  I know it will pass into other things, but today....I have this joy and I feel so grateful, almost giddy.  It's mine😘

Lighter

[lighter]

Had a great appt with T today.  Love her new office in old victorian with beautiful flower garden.  Loved seeing her again. 

Mostly talked about my girls.  Got a referral to good Trauma informed T for girls to interview.

Both girls open to it, woo hoo!

Lighter