One last thought before diving back into messy mess making projects in the zone.....
I don't mind being dismissed and voiceless in my family and I'm not saying I am.... at this time.
I'm saying I DID and perhaps still DO mind being voiceless up to recent times.... WHEN......
I've been labled/scapegoated/labled and accused/assumed to be doing the opposite of what I'm actually doing/have always done. Maybe some of the really stupid things, of youth, have been what I've carried around..... signage....I AM THAT. I DO those things, will always make those terrrible choices, and I'm reviewing patterns right now, so........will sort that and find clarity with it soon,but there are things I certainly am not now, and have not been for a very long time. I am not a foolish teenager, now, for instance. Have not been and was not when I performed father's due diligence on his brain surgery, for instance. I was mid thirties then,btw. I'm not going into that. It appears to be sorted, but I note the lack of reactivity around it. Whew, boy. Thank God. ::small happy dance::
This topic reminds me of the PDs and the people who stand around watching and enabling them. Not sure why.
The PDs do what PDs DO. It's fairly straightforward. One can wrap their mind around it and adjust expectations accordingly. Find serenity in the middle of the storm, IME.
It's the by standers/enablers/people who DO nothing,when it's absolutely their job to DO the right thing,but they don't. Particularly when they do the opposite,which is enabling, but I'm following a train of thought here.....
THOSE are the people doing more harm, IME.... as it hits me in the chest and brain and how reactive I AM...have been....around what they do or don't do is now stronger/more violent inside my being.... or so it seems.
Adjusting expectations around all human beings, PD and not PD humans..... is more complicated than adjusting expectations around PDs, who are simpler and typically very consistent, IME....one one wraps their mind around the disorder and self destructive patterns......one GETs it. The PDs will destroy themselves and lives and children in order to destroy someone else. It's nonsensical,. but consistently so, IME. One can get that and accept it....KNOW it in their bones as truth.
I haven't quite wrapped my mind around the others,who honestly....might be disordered or have fleas or be manipulated in crazy stupid ways by statements meant to create knee jerk reactivity and it's not really about how smart or stupid one is, is it?
It's about windows of resilience? Windows of tolerance?
Before one cracks? Before we spin into reptilian brain....sans available logic/creativity/problem solving skills to hand?
And "cracking" is that...... a little crack or a through and through crack that spins people OFF into fully committed disordered behaviors or what?
I suspect it begings with a tiny crack, much of the time, with professionals in positions of authority and responsibility. Pressure, perhaps, from clients/bosses/systems that goes a bit deeper. Tthen they're faced with what they've done and have to commit, or veer off/take responsibility/do the right thing, bc it's apparent..... people NOT under the spell outnumber them. Will hold them accuntable at some poitn and they can see the writing on the wall OR..... the people who cracked under a little pressure and now face what they've done, make the decision to double down and cover it up......they have to really commit to escape that truth/avoid SEEING who they are/what they've done...... and that means they paint the situation/people black and white and this is where once sees the real crazy come out. I think that's disordered....not simply human behavior, IME.
I've seen Judges reverse themselves, even after fully committing to break laws and double down to destroy me and my children... white male Judge...... getting called on his shite, I suspect by his pregnant white 30something file clerk... but maybe not..... EVERYONE around him AND the evidence contradicted 2 of his rulings.... he actually had to reverse himself TWICE, WHICH IS not how things usually go. BC I'm able to afford good counsel..... which I didn't have at that time really..... maybe he reversed himself without forcing me to go through the Appellate cours...... which is where people without resources and voice in this culture have to go, but can't afford it,. so maybe this was one of the first times this Judge was held accountable or held himself accountable, however unhappily he did it...... and did the right thing, even though he basically tried opposing counsel's case for THEM during the trial, with my ex white fighter pilot voicing OUT LOUD all the mistakes and rule breaking and vow taking crapped on, for the record, with the Judge chiming in he'd actually taken one more vow then my attorney stated for the record....bc the Judge was fully committed to DOING what he'd done....breaking laws, rules and vows...... he just was. And it echoed through a divorce and custody hearings and visitation Orders.... echoed and echoed and I don't think he's a bad man. I think he was a simple, not so bright man who was angry at the system harming minorities, if I'm truthful. I think he had good intentions and wanted to stop some of the things he did himself, and this is where one says things like......the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? Slppery slope and all that, right?
The human factor. He honestly believed opposing counsel. He hated me from the moment he saw me in his courtroom and stared me in eye... no he glared at me with menace as he told my STBX ASPD H "someone is going to jail if I find out what's being said is true." Now, he was referring to the assaults and threats against me, so..... it was really challenging my "windows" of resilience to have him stare me down like I was the person he intended to put into a jail cell.The person caring for small children. Dependent, yet priviledged, but also physically at the mercy of an ASPD, which is easier to prove once harm or death occurs, then the Judge can sit around and say how he "had no idea things were as bad as that.... the truth came out of the blue" which brings me bak to feeeeeeeeling unheard to the point I honestly felt I'd told almost no one of the facts involved, but my criminal attorny went all wide eyed and assured me I'd TOLD EVERYONE, when I stated that belief.
How we process things.How people listen or dismiss us...hear or don't hear us. Voicelessness is a curious thing and I assume I was voiceless in a family of big voices and self involved people.... golden chldren parents and bright siblings who cared about thngsand ghow they appeaered in the world. Eh.... off track, here. Back to third parties doing really bad things when it's their jobs to do the right thing, particularly when vulnerable children are at risk.
I'm thinking of the court appointed therapist doing the psych evals on my girls and the ILs....how that T didn't know the rules of the game she was playing and honestly didn't care enough to do ANY research about them...... she was SO INVESTED in doing a good job for opposing counsel... SO invested in the IL's mission....... SO convinced I was the devil and the ILs were innocent little sheep she lost sight of how she APPEARED to people NOT caught up in whatever story she bought...... she couldn't SEE how she'd appear to people invested in ONLY the facts and evidence. She couldn't putanything ont he shelf long enough to SEE how she'd appear to the Judge who hired her or the African American business community in which they rubbed elbows..... she couldn't SEE it. She was completely invested, caught up.... not that she really liked the PDs.... she occassionally threw them under a bus by refusing to hide certain facts in their personality tests...... not at all flatterign.... likely to be true..... FIL a likely liar hiding his truth while MIL was a vengeful person capable of terrible things partiularly if she felt she'd been wronged, which she absolutely did. Paraphrasing, of course.
And that's the thing..... I guess it's the entire thing with politics right now too. Once a nervous system is switched....once the parasympathetic nervous system is shut down....... people aren't rational or logical or capable of problem solving.... they don't seem to be open to the facts or evidence. They aren't willingto DO any fact checking and I'm talkingabout evryone.
With biased Judges and worker bees in systems and police racist officers..... they can't see it, can they? Their POV is so skewed. The status quo is SO off. The way things work is top down..... it's not the racist officer, IME. It's the person who hired, trained and told them how things work. I don't understand why the system isn't dismantled and built back in a way that makes sense.... identifies the problms and addresses them...... fixes the systems. Political, legal... all of it,and now I hear my father laughing...... "You're fucking with a man's rice bowl, Lighter.... what did you expect?"
Since there are different sets of consequences for thems in power and with resources
and thems without......
it's been a bit of a learning curve for thems with, I suppose.
Slow and expensive and crazy making for those enduring the leisurely stroll into consequence land for those with power.
And, I have to say..... there have been so few consequences....NEGATIVE consequences for the powerful, once they're outed. The scapegoats and underlings take the fall and things go on as usual till the next "consequence."
This culture doesn't intend to hold their feet to the fire.... wouldn't know how,I suppose. The ripples of holding the powerful accountable go allthrough the layers of society? Is that true? Does it have to be true to account for what's happening?
They DO know how to hold the powerless and voiceless accountable. There are systems in place and even if they're able to escape, the system itself holds them accountable,bc it's really hard to overcome and esape. I'm mostly talking about minorities here, not myself, thought I've had a POV not many priviledged get to see, IMO. The systems are very good at compromising thems without power. It's in place to DO just that one thing, IME and I had a few conversations IN these positions. Their court appointed attorneys had no time for them and likely felt obliged to spend under an hour brokering a deal, guilty or innocent, to plead guilty (in order to avoid being convincted) and put under the jail..... that's the threat, guilty or innocent and it HAS to be bc the system is on the brink of collapsing under all the cases,w hich MUST be settled in order to keep it from collapsing. My version of the truth, not likely how anyone else would explain it, but that's what I saw with my own eyes and hears wiht my own ears...... the madness of the voiceless and abused and trapped in jail for 2 years without actual charges being filed, bc the lady couldn't afford the bail set outside her reach. That is nuts. That IS how things are. She couldn't get out to formulate her defense against charges NOT yet brought against her. 2 years.
In my final court case, African American Judge and AA court appointed T held court in an all female Courtroom.... poor FIL was the only man in there at times..... all the court officers were female. His attorney was female,my attorney was female. The cops were female and AA and the court reporter was female. The game has changed and that's what I'm saying. It didn't take that Judge a day to release her Final Order.She GOT it, was ticked off at opposing counsel for making her cherry picked Court Ordered AA T look like a fool,which was the opposite of her intention. She wanted more female faces,more AA expert faces in her courtroom and you know what? Opposing counsel, after losing.... filed his Appeal BASED ON THE FACT the court appointed T didn't do her job right or at all and THIS after he'd taken her over, given her new marching orders and asked her to DO things making her appear a bufoon, like a child having a tangent in that deposition (Lord, if only I'd paid the extra to video tape it) after opposing counsel SULLIED her and defiled his position as a baby judge...... ruined that T's ability to hold her head up in her community including that Judge...... it's pretty clear that T never understood what she'd done... to my children or to herself. And THERE's the self destructive behavor of someone lashingout in a disordered fashion, not just as a human being who's been manipulated, IME. Their willingness to destroy themselves, unable to SEE exactly through to the final consequences..... SEEING only their will and intention to do harm, which they're convinced is the work of.... of...... the side of good?
In any case, there's the difference, IMO. The disordered behave like the disordered PDs bc sometimes the 3rd party bystanders, in ppositions of trust and authority ARE disordered themselves. Without a doubt, of course they are..... have to be, canbe.... sometimes are.
I'm just saying.....I always assumed they were "normal" people under control of the PDs. That's certainly not the case, iME. Can't be.
Things are shifting. Consequences are something on the table....now. That Court Appt T should have been humiliated in the courtroom,by the ruling, which I included a copy of when I sent the check for a copy of her records. I wanted to make sure she had a fresh copy and if I didn'thighlight her humiliation I'd really be shocked. Everything she said and did was ignored, outright,by the Judge who stated that in her FINAL ORDER.....just.... a humiliation IF you know anything about the game, or care about it. The disordered play by their own rules and don't care about the rules mere mortals are expected to follow. I bet she still has no idea what she did, or how she's viewed. She has enough YES men and women around her..... and you know what.... every so many years I leave a review for her. Not bc I'm lashing out, but bc what she did is IN the light of day and I want to make sure it stays in the light of day...... there for anyone googling her name or checking out her reviews. It's there. Refreshed and that's a public service, IMO. Sometimes it takes me hours to write and figure out how to GET TO THE PLACE where I can post the darned things....but I do it.
I think, and have seen, the PDs and manipulated powerful.....misdirected...... doing bad or illegal things or amoral or breaking rules..... often the only consequences forthem, when they;'re caught.....
is....
them simply not gettig their way.
Not getting away with what they were attempting to causually shove down an innocent throat, but then I'm thinking about the Distict Attorneys who hide exculpatory evidence in order to convict or force a plea so they can laugh about it at the water cooler, while waring jeans, at the office.
The assistant DA, who gave statements to the press after my aquittal that I was guilty in his opinion, is now in charge in another County somewhere. He wasn't the sort to hide exculpatory evidence, at least not when I was in his courtroom, but maybe he's suffered enough ego violatations he's shifted that policy. Maybe.
The Judge who allowed him to make up stupid rules and DO very stupid things in her courtroom was removed from her courtroom and disbarred...almost held accountable in jail....but only bc she'd stepped on the wrong toes..... the DA's office in her own Courthouse. THOSE people in positions of priviledge had a voice and recourse, somehow, not available to the rest of us mere mortals.
There are PDs everywhere, at every level. Unchecked and often in those positions of power, bc of their disordered behaviors, IME.
And this interests me.
Lighter
