Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

You sound really overall good, Lighter.
You trip over Yet but most of the time you're in Now.

Bravo to you for it; your work has been deep and borne fruit.

I thought of your Keystone Cops move w/the garbage, plus the salmon fiesta and what popped up was Emergency Mode. You have had so many situations, from YG on back, which seemed to come across as dire (or in one of your recent meditations even horrifying) -- who wouldn't hear sirens in the psyche? It's as though fear has been a friend (in the good way of Gavin DeBecker) but then it moved into the guest room and eats all your food sometimes.

But you spot it every time, you know what to do, and that's a huge accomplishment.

Glad DD24's moving forward in her life. Personally, I'd move several states to escape potentially hyper-religious future in-laws, but that's my bias. Good luck to her and to them! It's an exciting chapter for her and sounds like she has good plans.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Well, 2 hours of focused focusing in the acupuncture chair.

I'm figuring out how big picture thinking, for me, gets derailed by the details....pulling me off track....into meandering and worry, bc I can't solve them allin the moment.

That's ok.  I'm interested in turning that around, but realized......the focus on what's important feeeeeels grown uppy in a very foreign way......in an unconscious belief , I don't deserve that, way.

But it's exciting too....sends my stomach flipping, in a good way.

I'm jumping around ...multi tasking....hitting the high spots.

Acupuncture was focused on more giving me energy....but calmer energy.  One needle in left foot, the last needle, felt like I was being electrocuted. Most of the needles were in ears, behind ears, R hand and both feet.  At one point in meditation, a big pain hit me behind R eye.....was thinking about how praying, working with wounded/protective parts and meditation feel the same way.......like a 3d stereogram coming into focus.....but, between my eyes, inside my skull. 

This focus.....dropping into the zone......came and went for 2 hours.  I noticed the music, many times, noticed weird noises when needles went into a client...think lamaze, but men giving birth.  The guy slept like a baby and snored softly, soon after.

Noticed the smell of smoke...... there's a haze everywhere in town.....that smell is in the house now.....forest fires.

Sometimes, I got back to the zone through the tomato garden.  Sometimes, through breathing......"I'm home, I've arrived", sometimes through observation mode and problem solving.....very satisfying, but always back to the zone.....so joyful.

And I saw why daily mindfulness practice is necessary....bc it trains the mind to return to the zone, again and again, and maybe be there more often than not.  What if it leads to never or rarely leaving the zone? Worth the time! Yup yup yup.

And it wasn't like I intended to SEE the value in mindfulness meditation today.  It just appeared toward the end.....feels like it should have made sense before.....I simply couldn't get it into focus and keep it long enough......I guess.

I smelled a hair salon and children's pretend perfume.....and noticed mostly blissful peace.....a little discomfort when I lost focus..... but it came back.  I got it back. Over and over.

I think it's not what I thought it was.....yet it is.

And mostly it's been me, walking myself through my own T session, intuitively, to see where it goes.

I've stopped wondering how T would handle this or that......what tool she'd reach for or not.

In the end, I decided the same thing about food.  I'm not following Whole 30.  DD22 can, but she's making inclined to eat intuitively also.  We talked about it over dinner tonight and I will say this.....the doc gave her herbs for improved appetite and digestion...... they're working!  So quick!

Will likely write more as I remember them.... what's feeling real is

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I love the foot needles, Lighter, about the only thing that brings the energy down from my head really quickly.  Love that feeling, although have to steel myself for it as I can't bear people touching my feet!  It's a real 'brace yourself' moment x

[lighter]

Oh, Tupp.....half of me wants more electric shocks and pain, as proof the needles are exacting the best possible healing benefits.

My other half digs fingernails into armrests, and dreads the pain.....really frightened of the shocks.

After the needles are in, I feel pretty brave and conflicted.  I rarely go to my happy tomato garden.... usually bc Sam Sam the needle man is taking pulses in both wrists and asking questions, giving information, expressing concerns, etc.

It's raining, finally, but very gently.  A little here.  A little there.  The moss was desperate for it.

There's no smoke in the wind, now that I think of it.....no scent or sight of it.

I hope you have moments of joy, peace, and rest today. 

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm noticing how I get myself into some of the trouble I walk into.

One part nose on pebble, 2 parts people pleasing,with everyone's best interests in mind, of course, and a pinch of...
the end justified the means,
completed while dodging and sometimes entering the dim alleyways of old reactivity....I often notice, but not always.

Big changes are likely.....I intend to move, become nomadic and do stuff I've needed to do..
mostly stuff I don't want to do, but maybe some I'll enjoy/be good at.  Maybe.

This, for me, includes editing stuff, finishing bathrooms, and....
 is starting to feel like Swedish death cleaning, but with sunshine and clarity leading. 
Felt like.....surprisingly..... long sagging sails snapping to life....lurching forward.  I'm surprised at the relief and energy popping up.....am trying to balance what I want/need with youngest DD22, at the moment. 

I think she'll thrive, but her old wounds activate, maybe with the same sail snapping life of my wounds..... rubbing up against each other. 

I'm not a great communicator.....esp around the deep deep edges of pain, fear and "need."

What a week to skip T.

Lighter

[lighter]

DD24 is a year into lovely relationship with same age bf.  They're looking to live together, for a year, before moving to NY or TN in 2027 for DD to attend Optometry school.  Their leases will be up soon....his in 3mo...her's in 2-3 months, depending on potential replacement roommate's lease.

I think moving them into my bedroom, here, would work well for them and DD22, who doesn't like being alone when I travel.  They get along well, can be grown ups together and I can come and go.  I can SEE it.  It's right, I know it.

There's lots to hammer out, and DD22 has warmed to the idea....it seems.  Last night we had dinner together, all of us, but I should have had another private chat with DD22 before the group discussion. DD22 had a list of humorous demands....
fed breakfast, bribed with a new musical instrument (they all three play instruments and read/write music) and be cared for when ill.....there was laughter and lots of joking.....humor, but she felt ambushed.....it wasn't optimal.

The good thing is, DD22 is very good communicator. She recognizes my reactivity, feels defeated by it at times, but has compassion and tends to get kinder, less frustrated, as we work towards more harmony.

Oh, to see both girls living as autonomous adults, while I'm tidying old business, feels like popping up above the clouds, to see everything with clarity.

Not gonna lie.....this is a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  I adore my girls, and time with them...and also this funny, emotionally regulated bf, who feels like one of us. Being with them is joyful and singing and dancing and....safety.  Distance will feel less safe, always has, but that's ok.  Choosing safety, every time, lacks balance as they're adults now. The BF is a big guy....the pug is a good watchdog......the girls are wicked smart and resilient.  So much better informed than I was, about PDs and mental health.....and they're focused on education...hobbies...work.

It feels healthy, to let them fly, as roommates. Oldest DD bloomed spectacularly while living with a roommate.  In every way.  My sister said she would and she did.

I want that for youngest DD, who's talking happily about finding a job.  She needs to go into the world....grab it.....shake it up, IME.

Lighter












DD22 so bruised from being overlooked for years, during the legals.....so hungry for consideration and being taken into account....seen..... considered. 

Yesterday I had the wind in my sails....
DD22 knocked it out, we slept on it, talked about it, briefly, this morning, and maybe we're back on track. I think. I'm pretty sure?

I'll tell you this....the musical bf loves tangerines, DD24 and his mother.  I don't doubt those things. DD24, certainly, is smitten with him. It's wise they want to have a practice run at sharing space, before moving out of State together.

Time feels like it's going fast lately.  Maybe the last month, just very quick in a noticable way.

Lighter

[lighter]

This morning is breezy, and perfectly warm/cool in the way breeze and sunshine take turns balancing each other out.  It's rare and reminds me of the beach, in winter.

My friend hurt her back and neck, so I don't have a timeline for heading to the lake today.  The August bride is on Spring break with her children, so won't be giving that tour.  I realize, I'm excited about it.

I sat in the sun, with pug, and looked through the book Deep Thinker Niece (DTN) sent after our last 3 hours marathon phone discussion, mostly about mental health, her life coach, my T, her 4 jobs and my acupuncture meditation moments.

The book is about positive visualization and removing unconscious internal blocks, which makes sense, AND smarts just a little, as ego stirs and reminds me....this work requires road maps and gentle reminders in unfamiliar landscapes.  I don't expect miracles, but appreciate her selecting it, based on our talk, and caring enough to gift it.  She's always chosen gifts with deep intention, so I'll do my best to focus and read. I know I have blocks.....it would help to expose, examine and switch them out, no doubt. Ego is conflicted.

I will say this.....internalized misogyny is generational in our entire family.  My DTN believes she has the be good at everything in order to be acceptable as a female human....is fiercely independent (we know what that means) and works hard to unravel her self puzzles.


The journey continues.
Lighter





I

[lighter]

So....the little millisecond, my T introduced, and we breathed into life, together....is helpful to mine while contemplating fridge contents......I, at first, identify a lack of protein or veggies then run to store
OR
breathe, take a beat and see the beautiful things in the freezer, the beautiful meals I can make, with what I have, then enjoy pulling together 12plus ingredients with an eye to several meals.  This morning it was Italian sausage seared off with garlic, onions and peppers for a breakfast burrito, then Naan sandwich with homemade tzaziki  and, from there, frozen chicken thighs marinated in residual plain yogurt for more meals with tzaziki for tomorrow.  The yogurt's beautiful from Hopey and Co.so cheap and can't sit in fridge long.....but luxurious Scandinavian.....and there's the ADHD, again, with all it's detailed focus.


Taking a beat..... cultivating the millisecond.
About that.

I realized, this morning, how narrow my focus has been, on the millisecond's behalf. 

It's available, for consideration, in times of great joy, as well as chaos and survival brain struggle.....facing the fridge, the moss, the now 10yo granddaughter (G)of my elderly neighbor, who popped up on the porch yesterday, already removing her shoes for an impromptu visit, which sent my DD22 sailing upstairs with her beautiful brunch. DD and I vlwere enjoying each other's company, then there was a sharp nailed pug scratching up G's legs......a walk in the woods, upgrading fairy houses, G's chattering about her first cycle.....her first martial arts test and belt and the dead squirrel she found in my water catchment we then prayed over and buried.  There was more, but it hurts my heart to think 🤔 f it, so......her GiGi wanted her home and DD came back downstairs. 

I planned to go to the lake, but lovely things kept popping up, with DD, gifted tiny Hostas finally planted in the freshly painted bunny planter and Spring yellow container,asking my heart glad.  No appointments at the lake meant altering plans was just an alteration, not failure or lack of discipline or letting someone down.  Not at all, but I felt it knocking on my Nervous System.

There's default settings operating at all times, whether we're aware of them or not.  Yes, Hops ....the royal we. Again, lol.

 There's choice in every moment, truly.  Thinking in terms of....
I must consider all possibilities and choices before choosing feels tertiary and unwieldy and overwhelming.

But, cultivating that millisecond



 like mindful breathing,
feels primary.  Feels basic and solidly true.....grounding and grounded.

Expectations of seeing, bringing forth, conjuring all possibilities, in that split second, feels less solid, and overwhelming, IME.

If I cultivate that millisecond, always, I build a base, exist and grow from a solid platform, yup.

I'll see choice.  More choice. Maybe not all choice, but the choice to consider, to possibly journal deeply on choice, gather information and touch base with the people I care about and desire to consider.....
THAT. 

Just like responding to Tupp, without deeper consideration.  I meant to touch base in hopes of her feeling connected and cared for.....I honestly knew better.  After all these years...over 20?  I know better. I see where it went wrong and how my defaults fail me.

That.

After what?  Six years, with big breaks, in T with the right T for me .....it seems like little bytes of information ....one times ten of the nine bytes....falling into place, but like they're attracted to their proper place.

There's scaffolding built, in tiny pieces.
Then the base, but scaffolding begins for the next level, as the base becomes more solid.

And there's life happening and old habits and some chaos and joy and drudgery and touching base and misunderstanding and old fears and old fears exposed and recognition and acceptance and....
practice.

Practice and more practice.

I wish I was a better student.

I want to boil all that down....likely will, later.

Generally....

I wish ADHD wasn't so narrowing.....I hear 1 thing and grasp onto it......appearing to hear what's said next, but really I'm thinking about thing ONE, still. I've shared this with DD22.

It's limiting and doesn't mean I'm not listening or I don't care.  It's just one of my limitations and I try to see it, sans judgement, with compassion and possible solutions.

Anyone heard of Goblin Tools...I think it is? 

Figuring out what the Nervous System and unconscious operating systems are doing, feels like exploring my autonomous In Nervous System.....how my heart beats and lungs function, all on their own, but I should notice hiccups and misfires and identified patterns of operation lacking economy of motion and properly identified intention I resolve while the systems continue running.

I hope that makes sense when I read it later.  If I don't get it down, I forget bits and swaths I felt are important.

Lighter

[lighter]

Mindless parenting....

Not judging.  Just noticing.

I'm thinking of the shift in priorities, required to dial in parenting, addressing installation of healthy software in future generations. Productive coping strategies and problem solving as default settings.

It's absent, as far as I can see....but it feels right now, with my girls.....G next door...my interior world. It feels imperative, right here, right now, woof.

[Hopalong]

Hi, Lighter.
I have compassion in reserve, as you do, and the reality is that this doesn't mean it's going to come back to me. Sometimes things are just a one-way street, but that doesn't mean I won't walk it when I'm brave enough. I run from anger, from contempt and from cruelty. But I still can love. Twenty years. Yes.

Happy about your dear D and the lovely bf, but confused: you mentioned moving? How will they stay there? Is your plan to keep the present home for them, but still move on to a new place for yourself?

Exciting times in the wind. May it blow gently and warmly for you.

hugs
Hops

PS I had no idea you also have a diagnosis of ADHD! Solidarity, and admiration for your endless accomplishments. You wouldn't believe how much I've abandoned, plans wise. Like...taxes. The overwhelm of papers and oblivion really is that. So I just write poems and wait for the punishment, sometimes. Still trying but weakly.

[Twoapenny]

"It's simply too exhausting to have to keep dealing with these situations, where my response can only be either a rant, ignoring the comments or having to write yet another lengthy explanation about a situation that I didn't raise in the first place"

The above was in my previous post, and is the reason I didn't respond to either apology.  As far as I was concerned, the matter was dealt with and I had no inclination to extend my involvement in it.

Yet today I see I have been named in a completely unrelated thread, where I am described as "pummeled", "embittered", and "feeling resentment and fear".  Once again, the reality has been rewritten to suit someone else's agenda.

What I am is invisible, appearing only when I can meet a need in other people, online and offline.  Sometimes the need is to rescue, sometimes to criticise, sometimes to patronise, sometimes to judge.  Very rarely is genuine help, acceptance and useful information extended.  When it is, unsolicited or otherwise, it is most gratefully received, and that gratitude is displayed whenever I am able to.  People sent me money through this forum when I went through our horrifying drug dealer experience a few years back.  Complete strangers, who I've thanked, but who I don't think will ever truly know how much they've helped.  I've had good, solid advice on a range of topics over the years, as well as understanding through shared experiences, for which I will always be grateful.  People have contacted me privately over the last couple of days to say they have a similar situation in their own lives and that they see and hear me.  I'm very grateful for that.

This is a public forum.  The readership far exceeds the number of active posters.  Some conversations are better had privately.  Some thoughts are best discussed in therapy.  Knowing one's flaws and tendencies is one thing, being proactive about them is another.  I was going to carry on reading other's threads.  I have a genuine interest in how others are doing, given the connections we've had over the years.  I've stopped posting several times in the past and always come back again, but I won't be doing either now.  I would appreciate the courtesy of those who profess to care not discussing me on here in the future.

[lighter]

Mother of pearl.

[lighter]

Both my girls are in good places, regarding oldest and her bf moving into my bedroom, and my becoming largely nomadic ...walking the earth for a spell....doing grown uppy things that need doing.

DD24's roommate is stricken to be losing DD24 as roommate.  I have been assigned blame, as per bf's suggestion to DD24, and the roommate's wicked side eye is better aimed at me, bc I don't have to live with her.... there's 6 months left in current lease, which DD is honoring, of course.   Roommate is upset about only having 6 months notice, but it's likely another good friend will take over the lease in 5 months time, with a bonus kitty thrown in.  They already spend lots of time together, live in same complex, and roommate plans to move in with her bf in a year.

Details.

The bf has named DD24's introversion as reason for her not joining his merry band of  3. 

His mother is suggesting a "ring" be considered.....perhaps just a promise ring, but I'm actually made uncomfortable by the suggestion, as this is for the young people to get to know each other, for the sake of making better informed decisions, when DD24 travels for school, with, or without bf.
Run on sentence, anyone?

TBH, just the word......
ring......
makes it hard to breathe.
  My Nervous System might never be comfortable with that word....maybe 8 years down the road?  Looks and feels like a trap, to me.

It's rained several days here.  I'm going into the moss to plant bulbs, fertilize hydrangeas and figure out porch pots for Easter..... they're a mess.  Three baby porch Hemlocks and a maple tree need transplanting.  Three baby yard nursery Hemlocks need to be moved to the porch pots, to grow another season.  Will shift that to yard thread later, as I found another perfect baby Hemlock in the forest, and the ground is perfect for that project.

I want buy black creeping potato vines..... dig up different ferns and Hostas, from the yard....some Creeping Jenny, also....for the pots.

Will take neighbor with me, to buy potato vines at lovely nearby nursery.  Must call her now.  She said she'll allow me to help take down Christmas this week.

DD22 has Wednesday functional doc appt.....I have Thursday T appt and early car drop at mechanic, who hired a front office gal, so he can go back there turning wrenches.  I will miss our chats....badly, I think. He's a really nice guy... adores his wife.....we have a bit in common with Airbnbs.  He's prioritized making sure my vehicles are safe, esp to travel, for the last 24 years. Our children shared similar struggles.
Wow.
 That's a long time, and  I appreciate that steady male support and energy through the years.
 When I found the tracking device, on my truck, he was one of the first calls I made ...and he assured me,
he sees trackers all the time on vehicles he works on,
but for certain,
there wasn't one on my truck in the time he worked on it.
No doubt.
  While so many voices wanted to paint me crazy and make me doubt...he was on my side. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Tupp, I've removed all my discussion of you here.
You were right that it was inappropriate to talk
about you in the 3rd person. Unfair, too.

I didn't see it until I re-read it; no wisdom
here, just a person feeling hurt, more than I'd
fathomed.

I wish you and Son every possible good.
Always,
Hops

PS Lighter, sorry for the hijack.

[lighter]

Today's T appt was good.  T named how I'm wearing my skin in the world....
in self energy. 

Something's clicked, for now, at least.  Conflict is a very short thing, I deal with, sans dread and circular thoughts. Leaning in, just enough.  Able to pivot, without rumination.  Not quite seeing everything, but seeing there's more to see.....and it's feeling like a charge went off....blowing imaginary boundaries apart.....expanding vision and possibility, beyond the limits I've known as me.

I've internalized this...
My thoughts will never change.

My relationship to my thoughts is changing, and I'm aware, most of the time, and recognizing.....sitting in nonjudgmental awareness is always going to be a practice.  Will always be something I stray from, and return to..... everyone does.

I'm researching a Silent Buddhist Retreat.  No writing.  No electronics. No speaking.  Just thoughts and relationship to them. Yikes.

Talked about father/grandfather energy and thoughts.....lots recently, but with enough distance to see the good, bad and unfortunate parts, without grasping on to on any.....and feeling them behind me.  In the past.  Nothing in the present.  It's good.

Upcoming plans, to go and do, feel...... exactly right.

Big take away, today.......
I notice so many levels of awareness, beyond what I felt in the first months, and years, of practice.

Like a tractor clunking into a higher gear.....
but still an old tractor.  Nothing speedy about it, but t that's ok.

I wish, as I might always do, that all cultures would teach emotional regulation, to children, as imperative.  Heck, just teach it, somewhere....or the language of it.

SOMETHING, for goodness sake.  It seems SO plainly obvious, from here.

The pug, vomiting, woke me at 5am....then she sat on my sunglasses, not at all herself.  She's in a stupor, upstairs, with DD22.

I started the truck and it thumped under the hood, like something hit the hood.....then made a whining sound.  Couldn't tell you what's going on, but will take it to mechanic when the Honda has new struts and swaybars.  I did see the naughty neighbor cat, on my porch, so know he's not involved, thank God.

It's going to rain.

Lighter