Trying to set my Reticular Activating System (RAS) to positive/intentional and productive setting every morning.
Doing my best to reinforce throughout the day.
I gott a say.....it makes my brain feel heavy and......foggy.
The upswing is...... it's easier to drop the small stuff (like hot potatoes), without hesitation. It emotionally feels like dropping weights, allowing thoughts to auto-rise above the tediously unproductive stuff, IME.
It's another calibration. Some new calibrations stick. Some slip away and come back'round, I notice.
A disciplined mind isn't equal to evolving "positive" coping strategies....working, cleaning, working out, as distraction, IME.
Eventually, distractions, whatever they are, can't keep all the parts quiet and out of the way, I assume.
And..... yesterday was interesting, in that I so felt ok with upset over neighbors littering and leaving dog mess for others to clean.
T gently turned me'round to see the layering of old activated energy onto present moments, again and again.
Unnecessary suffering, and upset, attached to a part asking to be tended to, over and over. It's getting easier, but changing. I didn't feel urgency to save my siblings too, this time. It shifted toDD22, but understandable. A good T keeps things moving, IME.
When checking in with parts becomes habit. When dropping into the body...locating the stress......asking the questions and moving through processing the trauma becomes habit......I wonder how that will feel in my body.
The last thing T asked yesterday was....
"Do you see the things you can do, in place of the struggling you've processed?"
Paraphrasing here, but I was overwhelmed with it yesterday.....felt some pain in me'brain pan, I did.
Today, it's on my mind....and I feel the sharp pain, left side, top of head, with that thought....again. I wonder why that thought is painful?
Assuming it's attached to putting down old ways of being in the world. Maybe parts struggle with change....with judging old ways as bad and wrong, when it can just be different. Maybe.
Co-dependency feels like roots, growing through your my very being. In every direction.
Heck, modeling something different, for the young people, is as motivating as suffering less, not gonna lie.
Surrendering to that truth is spiritually painful .... I'll resist judging it....will let it be what it's been without struggling or feeling overwhelm.
It feels like finding a small area on a very large map. Easy to lose focus that tiny dot. Easy to lose that pinpoint, but it's where the rescue takes place, IME. It's really important ...maybe everything, right now.
Not sure how to put my finger on it, then do everything I've pretty much done, mindlessly, like plan a renovation, plant in the yard and keep laundry, food and vehicles ticking along.
Feels like my finger on the map requires different parts of my brain to perform tasks, quieting or turning off the parts usually jumping in to perform and DO.
That's.....a little bit.... terrifying, if I'm being honest, but it's me resisting.....me refusing to embrace comfortable coping strategies, in favor of doing new work/building new pathways stronger......feels like.
I trust it will be positive and lead to more changes....once in place.
But, to build them sturdy....it burns so much energy to do! Requires bandwidth and return to focus, again and again....all day long.
It's replacing the exhilarating burst of productive energy, I'm used to running on.
It feels like.....
loss .....
and being a little lost in familiar places.
Ya. That.
Lighter
