Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

Slow morning....drinking Gui Zhi Tang tea and gobbling Andrographis Complex herbal supplements every 15 minutes/first 2 hours, then one an hour rest of the day......
::cough cough::.
I'm feeling a bit of ick, in'me lungs. Cousins arrive Thursday, and there's a haunted garage, to arrange, and decorate.

Got lots of cool ideas from the Haunted Farm last night.  I don't think the fake fog, water splashes/mists, or pipes in LARGE yucky smells helped my lung situation , btw ..but it was glorious!

Had to be rebuilt, after Helene. Now there's tops and bottoms of lumber, yard log offcuts, channeling people into and out of areas.  Think 20'tall Viking builds SO cool. Such a magnificent idea!  I'm in jealous I never thought of it!!!

More and better everything...about 45 minutes of scares and chills.  Three scary guys wielding chainsaws this year, with a bonus 4th, perfectly appointed Leatherface, wielding a fourth, later on.

A headless horseman , on a real horse! 

Great monsters, as always.

This was first year I didn't drive or go first.  These tits are tired.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

See you after Scaryween!

Meanwhile, happy you have so much fun with it.



hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

And I completely forgot about it, so was surprised when along with my grocery guy, three nice adolescents turned up out front...and I said, y'all are from Wegman's? (Doesn't say much for my orientation in time and space or especially calendar...but what the hell.)

Apologized profusely and they were so sweet about it. So all my avoidant preparations weren't really needed at all, nice to discover.

hugs and hope y'all had FUN!
Hops

[lighter]

We had fun, Hops.  The haunted clown house was a smash success, again, AND the neighbors, with the fabulous cemetery set-up, came by.  We went to see them....they had a baby pool sized moon mounted over their house....SO Cool!  It had a backlit moon shower curtain stretched over..... can't tell you how amazing the stone look tomb stones, hooded ghoul and new faux stone/iron and chain fencing looked....candle lit lanterns everywhere, a bar and full sized candy bars, whoo hoo!  The husband, responsible for making everything, rode his Harley to our house, and we scared him many times!  He was impressed.  I really enjoyed people's faces as they contemplated sticking their hand in the cauldron of candy, as a shrieking clown face clacked it's sharp teeth at them.....such a dark cauldron..... I'd make a loud snarfing noise, by their head, when they stuck their hand in.....big fun!

My cousin's dh had a really scary costume, and the patience/timing to give the first BIG scare, at the entrance.  That set the tone.  Everyone of us, sat motionless, amid loud animatronics..... impossible to tell, which thing, was human or doll.....until we moved/jumped scared them.

A good time was had by all, and we went antiquing today.

I'm glad your avoidant prep wasn't necessary. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Jump-scares give me angina.

I'm one-a THOSE.

A chicken shit. Here's the BIG TRUTH:
When I was about 10, my parents had to take me out of the Disney movie "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" because I was absolootely TERRIFIED of the banshee. Her moaning wail. That sound.

So my brother would hide under my bed for weeks after and pitch a moan after I'd been asleep for a bit. He loved my terror.

And did I say there were lots of 6-7-8 year olds who were just laughing during that movie? I needed a children's loony bin. (It hasn't improved much, LOL.)

BOO!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops - maybe you have an unconscious memory from a past life? (just kidding)

Halloween didn't interest me much this year. Not even the pagan rites. That's probably due to how busy we've been (doing), the eye situation, the lift, and managing my own unpredictable feelings. (High maintenance right now.)

Glad you had trick or treaters, Hops. Lighter, your house sounds like fun!

[lighter]

4, out of 6, are ill right now.  Just my cousin, and I , remain well.  Contractor called in sick this morning....I pulled a 2' long hair out of the pug's throat.....and it's cold out.  So so cold, with all the Halloween stuff sitting at the garage entrance, waiting to be bagged and schlepped to the crawl space. 

Crawlspace needs some editing, but in good shape, mostly.  I SHOULD make returns to HD and drop offs to ReStore.....which opens tomorrow.  Returns today.  Food bank today.  Goodwill today. Veterans and ReStore tomorrow.

Hopefully, sister feels better tomorrow, so we can take cousin downtown to feel the vibe.  Maybe catch a Burlesque show, visit cool bars and eat somewhere yummy....Indian, maybe.

But first.....
the crawlspace.

Lighter

[lighter]

Divorcing cousin is here through the weekend.  She goes back hom for first divorce hearing next week.

Her h was removed from the house ...I think I said that already.  More importantly, so were all the guns. AND he can't buy more, according to the 2 year restraining order he agreed to.  He's begging their DD to bring him a fun "for protect." He's a very bad liar. 

He's also introduced another woman as "his wife" at his church. I know he's on "dating"apps....the pay by the minute kind.  I wonder if the new wife will care?  I doubt it.

I'm praying the Judge sends both of them into the hall to write up a Final Settlement Agreement.  Not much to fight over, but then..... it's difficult for PDs to agree, to anything, and move on.

I'm pretty sure the restraining order got done, bc the h went for hours without a drink......he was likely climbing the walls.  I don't laugh about his pain or suffering, for surely he suffers.

I do what I've come to do automatically.....
accept mitigating harm/expense/trauma and time, is the best possible outcome for all. 

The kids, at University, want to move back home from friend's houses.  Maybe.  The house might have to sell.

The DD loves and misses her dad.  So sad their together time includes him getting her drunk and terrorizing her.....asking her to do things NOT in her best interest.

I wonder if he'll pull his relationships, with his children, out of the dirt.  I have zero expectations he cares to.

I'll end on this note....cousin has documented proof of stbx's failure to comply with TRO.  She could have him arrested any time.....
which means he'll sweat out beer longer than he'll be able to endure going without a drink.

This gives me the best hope he'll do the right thing, and move on.

Cousin wants him to be ok.  She just wants out, and for everyone to be ok.

It's astonishing to witness parents, who care about protecting and shielding their young vs the one's sacrificing them to the Gods of Hate and Vengeance.  Always.

Nothin fair about it.

The sky is blue.
The grass is green.
Some parents eat their young.

There's an auction at the ReStore today.  I might drop a lot and off and stick my head in.

Lighter

[lighter]

So I tried asking myself why I'm not paying attention to what I eat. 

There was no response.

I let it go, and see I'll be tending to only my meals soon.  It will resolve on it's own, no heavy mental lifting required.

It's sort of a cycle.....and honestly, I can be very happy inserting "better" choices consistently.

Selecting "best" choices, without wavering, is another matter, IME, bc it requires reading tiny labels, without fail, to 100% exclude sugar.  That's tough....no fruit, not even a tic tac.

Ahhh....so the pattern becomes ....
"Better" choices still create visible inflammation.  Regular food beckons, I say "might as well" and then it becomes a habit.

This time.... it's bc I want to remain agile and active.  This time is bc I deserve to feel good and suffer less.  This time, bc I have less destructive ways of self soothing and embracing fellowship.  I think I've almost dropped modeling better for my girls.  It'll help my sister and friend stay on track. 

And so...at the lake, preparing house with friend, for her family Thanksgiving....we showed up with almost identical items from our fridges....fresh spinach, fresh basil/cilantro, boiled eggs, carrots, onions lettuce....
She had ground beef, cabbage and tomatoes, I had fresh mushrooms and bacon, so lettuce wraps and warm bacon spinach salad, it was.  No gluten, but I put real sugar in the dressing, when I could have used monk fruit.

I wanted to be pristine, with her food ......but missed the mark, out of habit, mainly.

And she's never really recovered from her last car accident....her foot and shoulder were never fully restored. Her gallbladder trouble freaked me out BIG time. (She's so much happier without it, btw.)

It frightened me....not gonna lie.  It meant something BIG...many somethings big, I'm afraid.  She's the one person left, besides our martial arts instructor, who worked out with me regularly.  We knew each others strengths, and skills....we were amazing and fearless together. 

We both deserve to feel good and suffer less.  Nutrition is a no-brainer. 

Now....what does it mean to me....
to be pristine with food choices?  To not be pristine?

Same with words, actions and doom scrolling hygiene.

It's discipline and more positive outcomes vs immediate self gratification and more negative outcomes.

But with food .....
It's really enjoying it, and being really hungry, when I eat vs choking down lots of food, with very little, if any, hunger.

Food, as comfort and distraction, has to drop way down on the list, while requiring more energy, prep time and planning ahead.....moving to a schedule.....sticking to pristine choices.

The benefits have outweighed the costs...... I was highly motivated by threats to my children.  I didn't have a bobble.  I was fiercely on target, super committed and tweaking problems proactively.

It's different, now, to sustain, IME.

[lighter]

I was hungry when I posted the above.

I didn't judge my choices.  I didn't tell myself I'd eat this way or that.

I simply pulled out boiled eggs, half a cucumber, the last of the spinach, an avocado, avocado oil and apple cider vinegar.  On the plate, I looked at the food......went for Nature's Seasoning .....read the ingredients....sugar....put it back on the shelf, bc I could. It wasn't a difficult choice.

I didn't even consider the chic fil a dressings in the fridge, or the candied pecans or apples.....nope.

I ate my plate....and really missed dressings and mayo and sour cream.....missed egg salad.....ahhhh condiments.

The cucumber went first.  Interesting. 

The end of the meal was about bites with some of everything.....and noticing I'd forgotten the lime. The lime and salt make it much better, IME.


As I reflect on eating clean......I see the patterns of eating "better" with my girls....to eat with them....the same.....not shame them.....hope we all decide to eat "best" together, eventually.  That's obviously not a pattern working for me....any of us.

I shopped last night.  Asked the girls if they wanted something.  Brussel sprouts, Parmesan and saffron.  Ok. 

I got myself some beef chuck steaks, center cut pork chops to brine, a lamb shank.....and crunchy lettuce requiring a cleaning.  No more soft lettuces for me.

I ate one of the leftover smash burgers, with lettuce bun/mustard/pickled jalapenos, and didn't fret over the cheese.  The kids cooked whatever they had. and DD's bf cleaned the kitchen.  I think I'll have the last smash burger with a couple easy over eggs, for breakfast.

One of my mother's cousin's passed yesterday.....her brother will be stopping by today, with his wife, in their camper....passing through from Florida.  Very nice people.  Not sure what we'll have for dinner, but I'm going to not think about it till after I've eaten.

I'm really focusing on NOT reacting/frenzy cleaning/over shopping in a panic, etc.  I want more ease, focus on important things, like connecting and fellowship.....I want to play games/cards, enjoy simple food and remember good times.

Now.....food.

[lighter]

Baby, it's COLD outside!!! 🥶 ❄️

That song just doesn't hit the same anymore. 😔

[Hopalong]

I hear that!
My over-sensitive self reacts to extreme cold like it's an assault. A slow, nearly scary assault. And it makes my chest hurt, which turns on the hyporchondriacal microscope.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Windshield wipers froze and one broke. Damn.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Oh no, Hops!  I guess we're supposed to flip our wiper blades up....off the glass, in the cold.  I thought it was just for the snow.
Sorry that happened to you.....glad it's just the wiper blades......not too big'a hit, I hope.

About the cold..... sometimes I can't stand the idea.....I feel cold to my organs, want to bundle up just to walk on porch with baby girl pug.....fear the cold on my throat and neck.

But sometimes.....I hardly register the cold.....am surprised a light t-shirt and summer jammy bottoms are fine, in the cold.....I register it as feeling strong. Again.  Feeling cold feels vulnerable.  I don't like it.

That said, we were gifted a big box of blankets, by someone moving house....they did a hard edit.  I kept only one small heated blanket....soft and in the style of the 1950's blankets my Grandparents used in their basement.....mostly with prints. Think cowboy style.  Sometimes I use that blanket.  Sometimes I'm shocked I get cold.....bc I feel too warm, but it's on my bed, which is filled with the extra pillows and comforters used for October guests.  I need a hard edit, of bedding, too.

I realize, there's some discomfort of....not having enough....when contemplating that edit.  Giving specific things, to specific people, who need them ....mostly single mums and children .....throws a happy lever.....makes filling boxes easy. 

Bundle up proactively, Hops...... don't let the cold catch you.  Small heaters, in the bathroom feel so nice.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

We've been around zero for a few days now. The worst days we had 20-40 mph wind. Today's high will be 40.

I have the heavy comforter on the bed (and if it really gets cold, the fur (real, recycled) blanket will get added. I've been having some neck/shoulder pain (side sleeper) so Hol gave me a bed topper (think feather bed type) to try. She was going to donate it. That makes the new mattress just a bit softer; still firm for both of us. And new 2nd pillows in down, too. It's indulgently soft & warm in bed... which is why one or more kitties sleeps with us.

During the day, about the only thing I add to my normal coat, neck scarf, and fingerless gloves is a ski hat or headband. I keep reminding myself, I used to ice skate for 4-5 hours in zero temps. And I try acclimating to the cold in the fall & early winter, by not overdressing outside.

Nevertheless, about 3 pm every day - regardless of outside conditions - I need to start the fire in the woodstove.

It's supposed to warm up this week.