Farm Doin's - 2020

[lighter]

I hope it was some internal stress sending John around the bend and not something between Hol and S John knows about, heard, saw, or HOl talked about.

In any case, it's up to Hol to figure this out and solve it for herself. 

I'm glad everyone's enjoying some relief.  J needed to go before B arrives anyway.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Amber, I'm super glad you are very clear that it's YOUR decision who comes to the mountain, not Hol's. Sorry about that but that's the deal and she can take it or leave it to live there.

J sounds like the second emotionally unbalanced young man who's coasted into your space on Hol's coattails, and she doesn't seem healthy enough right now to choose the healthier friends over the exciting ones. Or the colorfully-toxic or interestingly-damaged ones. I can so relate to that...when I was younger I found NON-damaged people boring.

Not no more!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

Will Hol have to run her guest lists by you when she's in the Holly Hut? 


Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Delicate topic Lighter. She will, probably do so - even when they're temporary guests just so I'm not surprised. The John situation wasn't one she invited or requested. And since she's taking the lead - and he is HER friend - it's her job to clarify. As far as I know, she's still not heard from him. So he's off doing his thing elsewhere for the time being. Hopefully, sorting his head out.

I worked on my herb garden today.... all by myself... doing my "thing"... sigh... I'm tired, a little sore, but it feels so good. I have boulders that will provide wind and temp protection for my prize lavender grossos. I wanted to play with rocks too... but stayed on task instead. The dirt's better than I thought it would be. I have pleurisy root and centaury plant coming up from seed too now... so the medicinals appear to like it here.

[sKePTiKal]

OK, she had some communication with John and shared it.

He is moving forward or onward - but does have to drop off some of Hol's house stuff and pick up the rest of his next weekend. She plans to write him a long letter about her feelings and make it clear how his episodes impact other people - and how when he NOT having an episode that he's very welcome to crash here or work on his van... that he didn't exactly burn his bridges here. But explain that neither she or I are qualified to help him through those more difficult times.

He's not exactly someone who's at-risk; he is pretty skilled in a lot of areas and can pick up work quickly; smart; but his FOO trauma keeps coming up front & center for him - and a series of issues around it too - and I've even given him the nuts & bolts of the process (the toolkit) of my T hoping it would encourage him to seek out more for himself. But even during that conversation - he expressed his confusion and disbelief that he HAD a self to be able to sort out what was him - and what his experiences were. That's not something I can tackle or help with. The other thing I've noticed - and it's true for both him & Hol - is that they misunderstand the definitions/descriptions of some emotional/psych characteristics. Especially terms that have hit the the popular parlance.

So, I was the assertive and pedantic professor doing the emotional heavy-lifting of trying to teach in this situation, while making it abundantly clear that a) I didn't know what trauma he'd been through and b) mine was mine; it doesn't translate well to someone else's - despite the ability to see similarities in effect & affect. Hol is a decent assistant - but still too often gets engaged on a personal level. But I think she was the first to realize that J was headed in a direction beyond just people comparing notes and supporting each other through to the other side.

Only thing about his plan that worries me - and Hol will address this - is his plans to volunteer for crisis/disaster response. I very much sense that he is seeking to resolve his internal crisis by addressing external ones - or other people's - real or imagined. We know it's avoidance and resistance - but haven't been able to communicate that despite expressing it. You can lead a horse to water...

----------

Planting in my rocks yesterday was good for me. I'm still not ready to go back to the big garden yet - but I HAVE to get moving because my seedlings are coming on to transplant size. I bought enough tools for both Hol & Steve to help... since they'll be fed from the garden, they need to help it be successful. I wear out pretty quickly in the sun - it's not even the heat so much, just the effects of the sun. Yesterday was heavy overcast (like today), cool - and it even sprinkled while I was working.

So I'm going into the kitchen today to cook. It's back at it tomorrow.

[Hopalong]

(((Amber)))

Do you feel able to release John entirely to his own learning path, whatever it is?

I remember how wrapped up you became in the previous mentally-ill friend of Hol's who became your housemate and destroyed your serenity before he was hospitalized. John is a different person from that one, did I follow that right?

When you refer to Hol as your "assistant" (in being a therapist to John), what does that signal about your self image or role with these young people in your orbit?

Do you have any feeling of recognition about John's self-image role as rescuer?

You may worry about them; I'm worrying about YOU.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Two different people, Hops.

I meant that situationally, Hol backs me up. MOST of the time, it wasn't required during John's stay. Like I said, he's generally pleasant, stable & steadily helpful. I wasn't always engaged in their interactions, either - not feeling that I'm essential or always needed for them to sort either their friendship issues or personal issues out.

Nope, I don't feel obligated to rescue anyone. That's why over the course of the year taking issue with her boyfriend - I decided to step out completely and just have my feelings and opinions about it and keep it to myself - but not even discuss it, unless she asks for input. I really do think she is independently capable of even seeing how she can sometimes self-sabotage - because of her own "rescuer" syndrome. It wouldn't be something new if she learns the hard way. I've been decidedly ineffective at showing her another way. And that's not all my fault.

No worries Hops. She invited HGuest #1 - and even after he seemed to improve - it turned out she decided to distance herself from him, for personal reasons. HGuest #2 invited himself - and while she was interested in "catching up" after 20 years it turned out to be something other than she expected too. I haven't exactly busted her chops over this - that's counterproductive to solutions. I just expressed my discomfort to her - and let her make up her own mind.

She lives here. Soon to have her own household here. I'm fully aware she's a more social person than I am - and has grown up mostly past living the "wild & crazy life". She has some local, long-time friends. And many of her friends will turn out to be overnight or weekend guests since they're not exactly local. My rule is against someone setting up housekeeping here. End of restriction. She needs to live her own style of life. She knows who I DON'T like; as well as those I've found interesting on my own accord... and since they range in ages, some are more my age. Her late boss for one. Given the extra privacy that we'll soon have I'm pretty sure it'll work out - she doesn't want me to be uncomfortable or to feel like she's added to my responsibilities or restricted my use of the farm as a property owner... or her mom.

So, since I've offloaded being responsible for those "under my roof"... somewhat - there's still compassion for people's struggles if I like them - I think that's also contributed to my current "peace & contentment". And even the boyfriend is starting to relax and realize I'm not going to BBQ him and serve him for dinner... LOL. He's starting to settle in more and open up. That'll contribute to going on forward, easier. Even if it doesn't work out for them.

She let me know he was terrified of me (explaining the above). I think he's never really known women like us. Independent and strong - and still capable of all the traditional roles - without being pushovers. Hol & I have a lot in common - but the differences that do exist are strong, too. I think it's helped him relax, that we're not shy about talking about that kind of thing around him.

[lighter]

Amber:

If S is afraid of you.... why oh why is he leaving your tools in the woods? 

I also want to know, you don't have to tell me, why he decided it was a good idea to order livestock through the mail.  Were you consulted?  IS there housing and a plan to care and feed livestock?

I guess I don't understand whether or not a plan for big projects has been hammered out yet. 
 

I don't think you should control who Hol brings into her home, BTW.  The rules of engagement, if they're in place, should cut down on upset and surprises. 

The mama in me wants to restrict Hol's guests to those who support her sobriety journey, but that's not realistic.  Hol has to do that on her own, just as she has to deal with the consequences of future mistakes, should they happen.

Have you and Hol talked about consequences should Hol fall off the wagon with another DUI?

Not my business.  Just wondering, bc the mama in me does.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

That sounds like a fair hut-life boundary to me, Amber.
Sure, visit H but no "setting up housekeeping."
And she is an adult, and nobody would want to live where they can't have friends visit.

That's good, so glad you've set that reasonable boundary.
Hope it holds and hope her friends turn out to me mostly adults too!

Good luck with all of it. It must be a huuuuuge relief that they're moving out of your house soon.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Yes it's a relief. We've done some imagining how it will be - whether we'll still hang out in the studio together, front porch sit... whether I'll visit down at the hut, etc. Just feeling out individual and joint expectations and daydreams. S actually helps with her controlling her drinking. Until he triggers her anger, that is. LOL. Same things that bother me, DO bother her - but she's trying hard not to admit that. LOLOL.

S is an enigma to me. I can't for the life of me suss him out - and the only things that are even close to coherent are pretty negative. But for now, it's pure bias on my part. It's not possible to discuss any of that with him. As to the birds - yes, we already have mature geese; lost some chickens; the fence went up to try to contain them (mostly successful) and we've added guinea keets now. He mostly cares for them and has been improving their shelter. Hol hopes to have her own pond - and then the birds will move. I will kinda miss seeing the geese playing on the pond.

We've gotten as far as agreeing on a process for planning, approving, etc various projects... and I will also have a land lease agreement in place that will protect both of us - and spell out the basic rules. It helps actually, that Steve is privacy-minded pretty much like me and is already comfortable with the lack of external "entertainment" out in the boonies. He is still abnormally quiet - but he DOES seem comfortable enough talking to me one on one casually. And after the tool-upset... he's learning.

Part of that issue - Hol grew up on the first homestead; she KNOWS how many rules were in place to insure that we preserved tools, didn't make extra work, and took care of our investments - whether stuff we bought or grew or built. S grew up in Chicago - and simply doesn't have those habits yet. We didn't have a lot of money, so it was IMPORTANT to take care of tools, because you may have to do without if you didn't have the money - or availability - to get more. Putting things back was critical when more than one person was working - so time wasn't wasted looking for things.

S never learned things like that before. So, while my mind is boggled that someone who claims an affinity for stewardship... feels it's fine to litter, and not take care of tools which let you care for your plantings and animals... it's less the "not caring" variety than just sheer ignorance of the requirements of this lifestyle.

I'm scary to him, because I can and DO, express anger in it's pure form - emotionally & verbally. I'm very seldom physically angry... but when I am it's contained inside my skin with no outward actions. And I s'pose that might look like a manifestation of Kali. LOLOL. The dangerous goddess. Lightning in the eyes... stormclouds on the brow... every molecule vibrating at nuclear meltdown frequency... angry. Oh, and I'm LOUD. I'm sure I was heard all the way down the hollow and maybe over the ridge.

Took me an hour to get my blood pressure back to normal the last time; it's been YEARS since I've been that angry. I even scared Hol. (Takes a LOT to scare her; she was a Baltimore bartender.)

That shovel re-appeared out in the barn last time I looked; John found the knife I keep out there.

I guess that's why Hol comes by her "force of nature" description honestly.

For all I grew up with Mennonite environments and pacifist behaviors... there is no denying the Celtic/Viking genes running loose in me too. Can & will fight, as needed. I reconciled those two opposites, for the most part but it took over 50 years. And it's still a work in progress. So, that equation looks like - "can and will, but don't like or want to".

Life doesn't give a crap what illusions I might expect from it, upon reaching the arbitrarily-declared "retirement" age... it's going to keep challenging me whether I try to create a place to hide from it or not. No matter how many bits & pieces I've already mastered. And since I don't get to choose who will be Hol's partner... I have to adjust, with as much grace as I can muster - or just be myself. LOL. Sometimes, I just gotta be me... and take the consequences.

Fortunately, this is one thing Buck already knows about me and he understands it, too.

OK - enough lollygagging! I'm wasting daylight... and now starts the countdown of to-do list before Buck arrives. (So I'm not rushing around or working sunup to sundown...)

[lighter]

Yes it's a relief. We've done some imagining how it will be - whether we'll still hang out in the studio together, front porch sit... whether I'll visit down at the hut, etc. Just feeling out individual and joint expectations and daydreams. S actually helps with her controlling her drinking. Until he triggers her anger, that is. LOL. Same things that bother me, DO bother her - but she's trying hard not to admit that. LOLOL.

S is an enigma to me. I can't for the life of me suss him out - and the only things that are even close to coherent are pretty negative. But for now, it's pure bias on my part. It's not possible to discuss any of that with him. As to the birds - yes, we already have mature geese; lost some chickens; the fence went up to try to contain them (mostly successful) and we've added guinea keets now. He mostly cares for them and has been improving their shelter. Hol hopes to have her own pond - and then the birds will move. I will kinda miss seeing the geese playing on the pond.  That sounds so peaceful, Amber.  I'd miss the too.

We've gotten as far as agreeing on a process for planning, approving, etc various projects... and I will also have a land lease agreement in place that will protect both of us - and spell out the basic rules. It helps actually, that Steve is privacy-minded pretty much like me and is already comfortable with the lack of external "entertainment" out in the boonies. He is still abnormally quiet - but he DOES seem comfortable enough talking to me one on one casually. And after the tool-upset... he's learning.  Ahhh, he can learn!  That's huge.  Also, I'm glad you can BE with him comfortably now.  I'm not able to do that with dd's bf right now and we;re going to have a chata about it tomorrow.   

Part of that issue - Hol grew up on the first homestead; she KNOWS how many rules were in place to insure that we preserved tools, didn't make extra work, and took care of our investments - whether stuff we bought or grew or built. S grew up in Chicago - and simply doesn't have those habits yet. We didn't have a lot of money, so it was IMPORTANT to take care of tools, because you may have to do without if you didn't have the money - or availability - to get more. Putting things back was critical when more than one person was working - so time wasn't wasted looking for things.

S never learned things like that before. So, while my mind is boggled that someone who claims an affinity for stewardship... feels it's fine to litter, and not take care of tools which let you care for your plantings and animals... it's less the "not caring" variety than just sheer ignorance of the requirements of this lifestyle.  Well, has he stopped littering and scattering tools to the wind? 

I'm scary to him, because I can and DO, express anger in it's pure form - emotionally & verbally. I'm very seldom physically angry... but when I am it's contained inside my skin with no outward actions. And I s'pose that might look like a manifestation of Kali. LOLOL. The dangerous goddess. Lightning in the eyes... stormclouds on the brow... every molecule vibrating at nuclear meltdown frequency... angry. Oh, and I'm LOUD. I'm sure I was heard all the way down the hollow and maybe over the ridge.  I'm glad you can express yourself, Amber. I'm having a come to Jesus chat with myself about how to handle this discussion with the bf.  I think I'm scary to him... well. I know I am.  I don't want things to be weird, if he's going to spend time here. I want to have an understanding, like you seem to have with S now.   I'll take responsibility for not being more proactive and getting things straight up front.  He can speak to me respectfully, without finger pointing and whining, and we'll iron thngs out.

Took me an hour to get my blood pressure back to normal the last time; it's been YEARS since I've been that angry. I even scared Hol. (Takes a LOT to scare her; she was a Baltimore bartender.) I didn't realize you'd had a "discussion" like that over the tools, but I'm glad you provided clarity.  It had to be done.  There have to be limits.

That shovel re-appeared out in the barn last time I looked; John found the knife I keep out there.

I guess that's why Hol comes by her "force of nature" description honestly.  Yup.

For all I grew up with Mennonite environments and pacifist behaviors... there is no denying the Celtic/Viking genes running loose in me too. Can & will fight, as needed. I reconciled those two opposites, for the most part but it took over 50 years. And it's still a work in progress. So, that equation looks like - "can and will, but don't like or want to".  I  understand.

Life doesn't give a crap what illusions I might expect from it, upon reaching the arbitrarily-declared "retirement" age... it's going to keep challenging me whether I try to create a place to hide from it or not. No matter how many bits & pieces I've already mastered. And since I don't get to choose who will be Hol's partner... I have to adjust, with as much grace as I can muster - or just be myself. LOL. Sometimes, I just gotta be me... and take the consequences.  Everyone takes the consequences: )

Fortunately, this is one thing Buck already knows about me and he understands it, too.  I'm hoping he'll be the storm cloud to your lightening bolt... on your side, rarely aimed at each other, but capable of holding your own, both of you, if it comes to that on occasion.  Couples who disagree are more likely to make it long term, bc they iron things out, rather than pretend things are OK. 

OK - enough lollygagging! I'm wasting daylight... and now starts the countdown of to-do list before Buck arrives. (So I'm not rushing around or working sunup to sundown...)  I just fertilized the garden, then the rain started so it's break time. Good luck getting everything the way you want it for B's arrival.  And.... remember... if it's not OK... it's OK.  NOthing has to be perfect.  Making time to focus on him and being present is the important thing.  THINGS can wait.  I'm so excited for you!!! Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Oh... I can only do so much in the sun anymore. I is pooped.

As for getting everything "just so" - as I look at what I wish I could just task some fairies with... I realize I plain old need help; intelligent help. He'll see it too, if I don't get to it. And we're at the point, that we need to walk and talk about what each of us visualizes. (The beauty of a fellow creative... for a partner.) **

The important thing on the list, is feeding him. Being an energizer bunny - the man needs to replenish calories in a serious way. He can't graze or eat small meals like we do. There is some cleaning I want to do too. Pollen season is about over here... so things outside & in will "feel better" if I get that moved away from the house or washed off. And he truly just wants to spend time WITH me, not doing things FOR me - even though there are some things like that on the list. I need to get him acquainted with the city "over the mountain" too.

That relaxing into being together - I first noticed within the first few hours he was here. He was working on my jeep... I was fixing lunch... a hearty spread to hold everyone till dinner. And it just "felt right"... I was smiling to myself as I worked in the kitchen. Then, he sat where I normally sit - me on his left - and he ate without being at all self-conscious. Told me later, that was something that usually makes him uncomfortable - but he was surprised that he wasn't.

I just truly LIKE who he is. No need to change a thing. As far as I know - and I'm not really expecting that to change.

But of course, little by little, all those little self-talk topics and insecurities are creeping in. Maybe I'm not pretty enough or slim enough... that crap. This poor guy has more bullet hole scars and surgical scars than should be humanly possible... and he was afraid I'd be squeamish about them, even AFTER I told him "chicks dig scars". He still has so much shrapnel in him, he sets off metal detectors. LOLOL.  And yet he doesn't have the ego-attitude so prevalent in some former military guys. He's simple, plain-speaking, honest and kind as the day is long. And working and being busy is how he stays moving and sane.

I still have 2 weeks to go... and we're both so silly excited it's getting rediculous. LOL.

[sKePTiKal]

Forgot to go into the bit I **'d.

Buck is extremely creative. He has a lot of interests and is a lot better read than I expected him to be. (He enlisted at 17.) And he's skilled with a lot of different materials and tools. He does some really nice work in leather; he makes knives too - repurposing leaf springs, etc from old vehicles. Wood, is hardly a challenge; he also works masonry & stone. There will be a forge here in the near future.

His imagination is about as wild and irrepressible as mine; backed up with a natural curiosity for new things we might not have encountered previously.

He spent some years of his youth with his grandfather on NC's Cherokee reservation. He's actually 50% Catawba, which was a tribe I didn't know much about - but it's one of the larger east coast tribes. And he spent some time with the Sioux; it was a buffalo hunt IIRC. Rites of passage and all that tradition - which I am familiar with. I learned a lot of Ohio/Indiana Indian history in grade school and in high school got even more involved with that interest; read a lot of contemporary things about that time. I refreshed that again, moving here - because there was a lot of intermingling of tribes in this part of the mountains in colonial times.

I'm pretty sure the Portuguese DNA is due to a pirate in the family tree. 

And then, there's the "Black Irish" - which he's informed me was a polite euphemism for Romany. Celtic version. All of which is prevalent in my make up, as well - on my Dad's side, despite the name itself being Norweigan. or Viking, as I like to think of it. LOL. Dad's mom was a Scot, so more opportunity for those Vikings to connect.

And yeah, I know I'm babbling over like a teenager.... LOLOLOL. It's a luxury I can indulge in, given we've already tackled a lot of the practical stuff already.

[lighter]

Babble away, Amber.  It put a big on my face today; )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Makes me happy to hear your happiness, Amber!
Anticipation is delicious and of course it'll be different than
the fantasies, better in unexpected ways and odd in moments too.
That's all right, all good. It'll just be whatever it is and you both are ready,
it seems to me. Open and grateful and warm in your hearts. Oh HOORAY.

I love the DNA game, and may have said this already. But I was so excited
to hear a family rumor when I was young that my gfather on one side was
buried in a Cherokee cemetery -- he had great cheekbones, and I have, well,
cheekbones. I entertained myself for ages with my perhaps-part-Native fantasies,
so romantic.

Then I took an intensive course in college called "Images of the Native American in
Western Literature" which just showed how much romanticizing or "savaging" views
were overlayed on complex, infinitely varied tribes. Got involved in AIM to the
point of subscribing to its newspaper and was utterly wrenched when it all sank in.

I'm as morally revolted on what our country has done to them forever as I am about the suffering children still in cages or separated from their parents at our border.

But DNA was still interesting. I am the whitest white woman anybody's ever heard of. All U.K. except for 3% Norwegian. So much for exotic cheekbones.

hugs
Hops