Friendship Moments: good or bad

[lighter]

The simple things are made complex, IME, when we resist acceptance.

Acceptance, has been a magic potion, in my life.  Still, I resist.....but it's getting easier.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I Zoomed with Poet today for an hour.
She spent the first half avoiding eye contact.
Said that the bad temper is part of who she is.
She is tired of feeling guilty and already apologized.

I told her I forgive, and had accepted her first apology.
I've just struggled to process it and know whether/how to continue.

She talked about her time alone and how she cleaned up the house. Kept busy. She's making new friends. Some are very sympathetic.
Said my house feels chaotic (the clutter) and that made her feel unwelcome.

I wish if it'd bothered her that much, she'd switched to an earlier flight. Didn't say so.

Anyway, it feels pretty "over" to me and I'm okay with that.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

You know, Hops.....
lately I've been curious about all the things I didn't say, but maybe should have.  Certainly, could have.

That's more interesting, to me, than Poet continuing to avoid responsibility, and gaslighting you, bc she
just
can't
be
a
better
person.

She can have her little meltdowns with her new friends.
Fine. 
I'm sure they'll find her marital struggles fascinating, along with her lopsided "take it or leave it," lack of reciprocity in relationship.

Sorry she can't do better. 
You certainly deserve better
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter.

I wrote and thanked her for Zooming and told her it was good that we talked. Possibly a mistake, but I can change my mind any time I need to redraw things.

She responded warmly but superficially and I accept that is the best she can do. But boy did this series of stuff with her re-warn me that Co-D still lurks and can spring at me like a steel trap if I'm not more vigilant about my internal state.

I'll never be as fluent as you are in tracking my inner processes, but I sure could do better.

I know a lot of it was me feeling lonely myself, sometimes acutely. But my people-stuff is mostly positive. A few durable friendlies, and especially the volunteering with the elders (talk about perspective!). I'd say on average I see another human once or twice a week, max. Often fleetingly. But I do have a couple germinating friendships I'm glad about. My peer group is getting old along with me, one way or another. I just can't keep up with most of them, resources-wise. Simple R Me.

I have such cravings for deep and challenging conversation that I have to remind myself: a brew on the patio or some nearby spot with outdoor tables is plenty. Most of my pals are not writers or artists or intellectuals and I can miss that. One new friend though is all of these. Going to visit her again next week.

hugs
Hops

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

 Hey, you can keep Poet for regular chats, but now you know.....
she doesn't do/can't do/won't do reciprocal relationships. Doesn't matter why, imo.

With realistic expectations in place.....speak to her as often as you like, or not at all.  Up to you, dear. 

I'm hopeful, new writer friend, leads to more writer friends, and fellowship.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

You're right, that's all so true. Thanks for the perpetual insight, Lighter.

She just wants a sounding board for the performance persona she's developed over many many years in order to cope. I get it. The eruptions are when, when challenged, her woundedness comes out. I don't need to fix it.

I just am not attaching as much to it any more.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Acceptance is a deeply healing/freeing balm, IME.  Sometimes more, or less, difficult to make peace with.

I suspect I just made it over a difficult hump, myself.  Will see, soon enough.

Lighter