Friendship Moments: good or bad

[lighter]

The simple things are made complex, IME, when we resist acceptance.

Acceptance, has been a magic potion, in my life.  Still, I resist.....but it's getting easier.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I Zoomed with Poet today for an hour.
She spent the first half avoiding eye contact.
Said that the bad temper is part of who she is.
She is tired of feeling guilty and already apologized.

I told her I forgive, and had accepted her first apology.
I've just struggled to process it and know whether/how to continue.

She talked about her time alone and how she cleaned up the house. Kept busy. She's making new friends. Some are very sympathetic.
Said my house feels chaotic (the clutter) and that made her feel unwelcome.

I wish if it'd bothered her that much, she'd switched to an earlier flight. Didn't say so.

Anyway, it feels pretty "over" to me and I'm okay with that.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

You know, Hops.....
lately I've been curious about all the things I didn't say, but maybe should have.  Certainly, could have.

That's more interesting, to me, than Poet continuing to avoid responsibility, and gaslighting you, bc she
just
can't
be
a
better
person.

She can have her little meltdowns with her new friends.
Fine. 
I'm sure they'll find her marital struggles fascinating, along with her lopsided "take it or leave it," lack of reciprocity in relationship.

Sorry she can't do better. 
You certainly deserve better
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter.

I wrote and thanked her for Zooming and told her it was good that we talked. Possibly a mistake, but I can change my mind any time I need to redraw things.

She responded warmly but superficially and I accept that is the best she can do. But boy did this series of stuff with her re-warn me that Co-D still lurks and can spring at me like a steel trap if I'm not more vigilant about my internal state.

I'll never be as fluent as you are in tracking my inner processes, but I sure could do better.

I know a lot of it was me feeling lonely myself, sometimes acutely. But my people-stuff is mostly positive. A few durable friendlies, and especially the volunteering with the elders (talk about perspective!). I'd say on average I see another human once or twice a week, max. Often fleetingly. But I do have a couple germinating friendships I'm glad about. My peer group is getting old along with me, one way or another. I just can't keep up with most of them, resources-wise. Simple R Me.

I have such cravings for deep and challenging conversation that I have to remind myself: a brew on the patio or some nearby spot with outdoor tables is plenty. Most of my pals are not writers or artists or intellectuals and I can miss that. One new friend though is all of these. Going to visit her again next week.

hugs
Hops

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

 Hey, you can keep Poet for regular chats, but now you know.....
she doesn't do/can't do/won't do reciprocal relationships. Doesn't matter why, imo.

With realistic expectations in place.....speak to her as often as you like, or not at all.  Up to you, dear. 

I'm hopeful, new writer friend, leads to more writer friends, and fellowship.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

You're right, that's all so true. Thanks for the perpetual insight, Lighter.

She just wants a sounding board for the performance persona she's developed over many many years in order to cope. I get it. The eruptions are when, when challenged, her woundedness comes out. I don't need to fix it.

I just am not attaching as much to it any more.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Acceptance is a deeply healing/freeing balm, IME.  Sometimes more, or less, difficult to make peace with.

I suspect I just made it over a difficult hump, myself.  Will see, soon enough.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Happy Hot Sunday Hops...   <smile>
Maybe we'll get another afternoon thunderstorm.

How're you keeping in this heatwave? Finding enough to keep you busy? to eat? to watch on the mind-control devices? (puter, tv, etc)

The generous rain this year, means that everything is lush green (mowing for Hol), I don't have to water gardens (but the weeds are threatening a take-over), and this year I have a HUGE crop of mullein coming up everywhere. I dried some for tea and am sending to a few takers on one of my forums - fair number of herb-curious folks there. I had to harvest in the early morning - but even at 9:30 am it was unbearable.

Hol's landscaper friend is coming out this week to help on some postponed/delayed projects. He's bringing his 6 yr old boy... so we'll see how I do. I don't have a lot of patience for some kinds of kids. Thinking about making ham salad, or at least that's the planned experiment - I was warned the young'en is a real picky eater at this stage. And it's too hot to cook. I still a few kid-friendly yard games (since all my grands are teenagers) but it sounds like he's never experienced the great outdoors in free-range style. You know, looking at bugs, checking out streams & ponds... running forever free in open spaces until dark and then watching the lightning bugs or actual lightning.

Maybe Hol will want to entertain him some too. She has a stock tank she uses for cooling off & floaties. Kids do like her a bunch too. We'll see. B & I are real comfortable with the Dad but some of the things I hear about what's happened to this kid while at his Mom's sound waaaaaay too familiar; in a bad way. Mom has a new BF and neither of them act much like parents. I bought him a supersoft teddy bear to tell all his secrets to last Christmas.

Lots more circus going on here but I got get to get moving a little to finish up some odds and ends before they get here. I hope you're finding a comfy balance of quiet time & fun! this summer.

[Hopalong]

Your circus sounds primarily cheerful and most of all FUN, Amber.
Hope the little guy behaves well and is nice to be around. Do update!

I'm doing pretty well. Just avoided a bump in the road (metaphorical) that would've derailed me...almost contacted my D because she's been on my mind a lot. Then I reviewed some of her last diatribe emails in which she said I never take any responsibility for anything and I'm responsible for most of what's gone wrong for her, etc etc etc and how she realized "right away" in family counseling that I wouldn't accept responsibility. (She quit after two appointments with two different counselors....ummm....I certainly was present and ready to do or accept ANYTHING to heal our relationship.) Anyhow, all that was triggered by a Hax column about an adult child addict and it hit me how many of D's delusions and denials and pure projections remind me of what that family was going through. She's not an addict, but behaviorally, there's a lot of overlap. I'm desperately sorry for her but that's trumped by knowing I can't trust her or set myself up to be newly vulnerable to her. If she ever accepts my offer of online counseling with the person she chooses, I'd definitely do that. But right now I don't know if she even has shelter or a computer.

Managed to back out of the trail and delete a foolish draft. Whew. I still worry about her, but the way one would about a pet Komodo.

Otherwise, some practical problems: central AC broke. The system's fan burned out so the distorted bearings screeched and so in the middle of all this heat, Pup and I just lie around panting. It's been very uncomfortable despite fans and I sleep (ish) soaked in sweat. We're waiting for the fan-motor vendor to send a quote. The local company that maintains my system would like to sell me a new system. Makes sense, if you have thousands and can afford it, which right now, I can't. Fan first.

Just cancelled a repair to half my kitchen floor from that broken pipe that went undetected. I'm going to buy some colorful rubber puzzle-piece mats to fill in.

Otherwise, with friends, things are going well. Another Zoom with Poet went okay, nothing new or surprising, so I just was supportive and she was cheerful. I didn't dread it and felt a startling boredom listening. So that's where that is. Not worrying.

Met a new friend through the Village pres. yesterday. Quite nice, English, a writer. Eager to make friends so I'm stepping up. (The pres. is her close friend but about to be gone for a month so she was eager to make a connection for her just-moved-here friend.)

Another friend I haven't seen in a while, I'll be visiting tomorrow afternoon. English friend next door is suffering, having a hip replaced next month. And I'm volunteering weekly...next week is a woman who needs help decluttering. I think it's a perfect service to do and maybe I can bring home some of her motivation. She lives in a neighborhood quite close to where my parents did. Their house is so glamorous now, but I feel no nostalgia.

All in all, I'm feeling generally peaceful and forcing myself out of isolation. Most days I don't see anyone, but I do try to put things on the calendar more consistently.

Thanks for checking in, lady. I hope your summer will cool a bit and you can still enjoy your land and your projects. One fun thing: a neighbor came by to ask if she could take blooms from my huge pink crepe myrtle out front and make bouquets that are being sold for a counseling charity at a women's arm-wrestling event. I sicced her on my tree-sized hydrangea, too and she was very happy.

Hope you are too and that things are going better for B.

hugs
Hops