What would you think about this comment?

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny, thanks for getting back..

Just as I was reading your wonderful message I was dealing with this bull.
I think you're correct. It's to bait me.
Its crazy how something so small turned into this. the over reaction and hypersensativity. I can't believe I used to think this was his pain and Meds.

He is still tucked away in our room, all alone on christmas.  
Our dauther and I have had a great day...

I will be home tomorrow and will see how it goes.

I'm sure he will hope all will be ignored like it never happened.

Thanks again for being there, I appreciate it so very much.

Wishing you the very best..onlyrenting1

[onlyrenting1]

BT

One way they are able to succeed with the isolation is to create sheer hell around the issue of their partner talking with anyone else, and it just becomes too emotionally traumatizing and destroying to face the abusive, vile, dumbfounding in irrationality, barrage of punishment that never tires of being dished out. So, the emotionally weakened partner complies in order to keep the peace  

You got it...

The lies to his family, to keep that covered up at all cost.
This would be why he doesn't want us to have the contact.  
I don't advertise my contact with his brother because I know my N-H is funny like this.

I stayed with his brother's family in Dallas, when I went up for my Interview.
His brother shared with me some of the e-mails my husband had sent him. It's my husbands reactions to me being with his own brother that Promted me to look into the N-bhaviors.
I was concered for his brother and how my husband was treating him.

Reaching for a possible reason for such behavior I took a chance and thought could this report I read a few years ago give me any clues.
Even reading Medical jargon is not enough it's the real stories from this web-site that has given me the most understanding.

And Here I am finding out more about what the Hell I've got myself into.
My brother-in law is a medical doctor and is focused on helping me with just getting his brother medical help before he ends up in a wheelchair.

He wants us to be near him for many reasons but my husband may sabatoge all of this as you put in the quote above.

I clue his brother in on some of what I have found but try not to burden him with my problems.
I reveal what I've learned only when something arises so he understands why he gets treated the way he does.

This quote is so exactly what I go through....everytime I tell myself I will not let him do this to me.
I get so far but never like I'd like to take friendships or relationships.

It was part of what I believed was to strengthen the Marriage. Letting friends go and keeping close to your husband and his needs.
But now I see I just kept the peace.

Thanks for helping me face these things I have chosen to let slide in the past....onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

It was part of what I believed was to strengthen the Marriage. Letting friends go and keeping close to your husband and his needs.
But now I see I just kept the peace.

A normal husband doesn't ask his wife to let friends go. That is a sign of way too much control. Way too much. Keep up the good work, keep talking to whoever you want, and don't let him isolate you.

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

It was part of what I believed was to strengthen the Marriage. Letting friends go and keeping close to your husband and his needs.
But now I see I just kept the peace.

It is really the opposite.  In healthy relationships, appropriate outside friendships enhance/strengthen the primary relationship because they help keep individuals emotionally healthy on a personal level.  It is so innate, "normal" and natural to want to have outside interactions where you can experience communication with different others and express different parts of yourself.  This is an important part of the human experience. And wanting relationships with ones family needs no explanation.  

It is great (albeit a scary time too) that you are having so many insights now...

Keep up the good work, keep talking to whoever you want, and don't let him isolate you.

Ditto...  Please do not let him isolate you.  I really feel for you because of what you go through when you go against this.  This time in your life really seems like it is a major turning point for you, and your relationship with your husband.

Take good care.

BT

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny and BT.

I will make efforts to get with friends. My daughter has School friends and I have plans to go to dinner with my daugther, her little friend and her mother. We have been before after school actiivtes.
I just don't make it a habit.  

Today My daughter and I went shopping. As we were getting ready.

My N-H  who is still keeping himself lockup in our room, made his entrance with

 "Oh so you will be gone for a few days, (I said a few days?) then he came in where I was and made comment

 "so are you staying with one of your big dick black boyfriends."

 (sorry this is rude let me know if this is too much for reading here, next time I could put in a generic comment like he said something rude)

I tried not to show any reaction and shut the Bathroom door where I was getting ready.

As we were walking out the door ( I couldn't contain my mouth ) I said

 "You know those that accuse are always the ones doing the Deed themselfs or thinking about the same things you accuse me of"

We went shopping and had a great time.

I know My husband has this surgery in just a few weeks
I don't know if I can contain myself.
I guess as I learn more about all of this and I will have the tools to set my boundries and make it for another month or so.

I went to a Web site
bludie has in one of the threads.

I Pasted and copied some information (20 types and signs of the N)
there is more data with each only copied over data on some
 THE CONTRACT BREAKER
 TOUR "SOUL MATE"
 BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST
THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR

12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so. Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.

15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment. Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence

. THE IMAGE MAKER . THE IMAGE MAKER

VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable. Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals

. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST


This one is on PROJECTION:

Has your P ever accused you of the most vile, cruel lies? Has he said things that ripped right through your heart? Accused you of being crazy? Twisted everything you say into something grotesque? Most of us have experienced that with the P in our lives. We are left emotionally reeling. The hurt can be nearly unbearable. You were likely experiencing 'projection'. To make things simple, the P is accusing you of doing what they are THINKING, DOING OR PLANNING. It is very hurtful to us when they project their thoughts, feelings and impulses.
 

There was more intresting information I will digest it in time and will it apply it in my life RIGHT NOW...


the site was a very helpful thanks.  

Onlyrenting..

[Anonymous]

so are you staying with one of your XXX XXX XXX boyfriends."

This guy is unbelievable. You may not realize that most men would NEVER in a million YEARS talk to a woman this way!!!! They'd rather die! And if your daughter has ever heard this kind of language from him...well...I think you've given this jerk enough of your time. I would escape from him while he's in the hospital.

bunny

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny,

When my daughter and I got out to the car I told her I felt like just leaving right then.

We were thinking of  our dog who was in the house and she remembered his comment that he would be putting the dog  to sleep if we split up
because she was a bigger dog and not easy to move with.
She was very angry he had said that.

We decided to go shopping and just forget the whole thing for a while.
She didn't hear his XXXXX comment to me. But she knew something was said.

I'm with you..Leave While he is in the body cast and can't come after me.
He said he was leaving on the 1st so we will see.

Our 27 yr wedding aniversary is DEC 28th.
He keeps bringing up about how I'm having sex with everyone else and I will no doubt be too busy with all my BigXXXX to be worried about him.

I'm reading about Projection and will see if their recommendations,not to take this personal and not to react will help.

..He made a comment about how I threw out his cucmbers on Christmas.
He bought My daughter a CD player and it's not playing the CD's
so he said "just thow it out since I was throwing out everything else."

Looks like I will get this one thrown in my face every chance he gets.
   

onlyrenting

[bludie]

onlyrenting1,

My ex-N forgot all sorts of stuff - dates, bills, appts., etc., but he had an encyclopedic and photographic memory when it came to using the past as ammunition to punish.

For your own peace of mind it would be interesting to see how long you could observe silence around him. Nothing. Nada. Zip. No interaction. No comments. No come backs. Just silence. Avert your eyes when he walks in the room and talks then leave mid-sentence without uttering a peep.  In reading that Vaknin site posted above, there was an article on the power of silence.  As we know, Ns hate to be ignored or treated with indifference.

I agree with bunny. This guy is toxic and doesn't deserve your time (or the privilege of being near/around his daughter). Think about giving you and your daughter a present on your anniversary. Go shopping again or make an appointment for a girls' day out -- manicures, facials, massage; pamper yourselves. Leave him out of the picture entirely. Let the galut sit home on your anniversary and wonder what you're up to...Hang in there and keep us posted.

Best,
bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Bludie,

I read on Projection from the web site you left on your thread.

For your own peace of mind it would be interesting to see how long you could observe silence around him. Nothing. Nada. Zip. No interaction. No comments. No come backs. Just silence. Avert your eyes when he walks in the room and talks then leave mid-sentence without uttering a peep. In reading that Vaknin site posted above, there was an article on the power of silence. As we know, Ns hate to be ignored or treated with indifference. >>>quote

I did just this today.....I'm not upset. I had a great day at work.
 I took my daughter to work with me, so he was all alone today.

This morning I plugged my ears so I didn't have to hear him.

I began to hear him say some RUDE things this morning while I was in bed.
I plugged my ears so I don't know or care to know what He was saying.

Then I got up to get ready for work and was in the Kitchen.
He started in again comming up with some more RUDE comments.
I started banging the pots and pans around kinda loud like I was looking for something.

I Kept telling  myself (what I read on the web site about projection)

PUT WHAT EVER IT IS HE'S SAYING ON THE SHELF DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL.
IT HELPED TO VISUALIZE HAVING CONTROL OF THESE WORDS AND PUTTING THEM SOME WHERE OTHER THAN INTERNALIZING.

Then in the middle of his Rude Comments
I said "OH the Dog needs to be fed."
(He got up walked past me , got the dog her food and sat back down to continue his Rudness.

I left in the middle of the Rudness and said "OK" to what ever he was saying "well I'm getting ready for work".
 (like I'm sure what ever he was saying I had listen intently)
 and I walked out.  

My Daughter and I came home, made dinner. He was watching T.V.
and appeared to be ok. He was making light conversation with our dauther. He has now gone to Bed.

(nobody has cried or got upset just N-Numb)

So I'm writing you this and I get an e-mail from His brother.
nothing specific but the jest of the e-mail is
My husband has contacted him about some drama.

His brother is worried that my husband will back out of the surgery and will be in a wheelchair. He is asking me to make sure he has this done.

How much do I reveal about the N-Disorder. His brother is a medical doctor not a physcologist.

I have told him a little and asked if he wants to know more about what I know. I told him to expect lies and to ask me if he wants the truth.

Also his brother is being delt with like with some boundries and is now throwing a fit.
If his brother tells my husband that I have told him his brother has NPD it will cause all kinds of problems.

I have peace dealing with this so everything I do won't be I'm treating him a certain way because I think he has a disorder.

I will keep reading and applying...Great site just in time for me.

I think for now It worked to be quiet no reaction. no looking upset. no comments.
Yeah....onlyrenting.

[bludie]

Onlyrenting1,

Good for you in ignoring the lunacy. Bravo! As for your Ns brother, I am not certain. Only you know how productive it would be to try and explain the NPD syndrome outright. Being an MD, one would hope his brother would be interested and, certainly, have some understanding of personality disorders.

My advice on this one is to meditate or pray about it. I've found with friends that trying to explain much of this (the aftermath of my relationship with my ex-N) has become tedious and, in some cases, adversely impacted friendships. As has been wisely pointed out to me, people are so immersed in their own lives it becomes burdensome to hear all about my situation, much less NPD. Of course, your situation may be different.

As to insisting your N opts for surgery, you might calmly but firmly inform his well-intentioned brother that you are doing everything in your power toward the best for all concerned (especially you and your daughter). However, your N is really the only one who can make his own medical decisions. If your brother-in-law is very insistent, perhaps he can write a letter directly to your N. Detachment is difficult but I think it's key in preserving/improving your own mental health.

Best,
bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Hi Bludie

Leave him out of the picture entirely. Let the galut sit home on your anniversary and wonder what you're up to...Hang in there and keep us posted.

My daughter and I went out and got a hot fudge sundae.

I got off work, it was raining but I was determined to go do anything to say were celebrating.

My daughter asked (Grumpy, MyN) if he wanted to go he said no.
Then she said are you going to wish Mom happy aniversary?
He said "happy aniversary",she said say it to MOM.

Then she didn't hear it like she wanted and said he was being mean.
He got up and went back to our room and stayed there.

I didn't say Happy Aniversary to him and maybe it would've helped. I just didn't have it in me. I'm just not up to giving him the chance to ruin my day.

I just wanted to drop a note, let you know it made me feel better.

Thanks for your support....I'm still reading,digesting and gathering information to make educated decisions.  Keep me posted on other sites that would be of intrest.   ...onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html#npd
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/narcissistic/resources.htm
http://www.bpdresources.com/
http://www.faqfarm.com/Health/Narcissism/

Hey onlyrenting1,

Here are a few links to resources that might help you. I view the Vaknin stuff with a grain of salt, so to speak. The book I am currently reading: "Why Does He Do That?:Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft has been helpful; particularly chapters 6 and 9.

Glad you got through the day. Sorry it wasn't more festive but at least you're stepping aside the spew and venom for you and your daughter. Having a close relationship with a fairly precocious daughter, I had to be careful not to use her as a confidante with my relationship problems   Wasn't always successful but it's a good thing to keep in mind with kids. They grew up too soon as it is anyway, right?

Best,
bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Hi bludie,

I thank you for the web sites. I have just been reading off the web site from your other thread.

A few things got my attention

1.

 Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving -- they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants.

Thus, for instance, in a "romantic" relationship, they will want you to do what they want because they want it and not because you want it -- and, in fact, if you actually want to do what they want, then that's too much like sharing and you wreck their fun and they don't want it anymore.

They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them. Period. If you should happen to want to give what they want to get, then they'll lose interest in you. ^

It kinda got me depressed not only things of my past but about my future.

I wanted to move to Dallas to have a better job and our daughter would have family.

- It's want I want, NOT gona Happen.

- and don't get the Idea that I like the Idea becasue then I'd be a copy    cat because it was all his Idea.

Now that you give him everything he wants, he doesn't want it anymore.

Another thing that keeps hitting me. is There is no reaching an N.

I have read story after story how people will expect the N to understand reason. Not gona Happen.

I have not  read one happy story.
Therapy never works, no medicine to change their thinking to understand reason.
I once believed there was 1 symptom (selfish)  now I know of 20 and most of them describe my N.

I find no loop holes and If I leave my husband, Our daughter will have no choice but to grow up.
I'ts not what I wanted for her. I was duped, but realize If I want something good and happy, My-N will take it from us.

I have little hope but will find the courage to take another step forward and say a lot of prayers to be lead in the correct direction.

Thanks ....onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

If I leave my husband, Our daughter will have no choice but to grow up. I'ts not what I wanted for her.

She didn't hear his XXXXX comment to me. But she knew something was said.

We were thinking of our dog who was in the house and she remembered his comment that he would be putting the dog to sleep if we split up. She was very angry he had said that.

She may not have heard but she very well may have & was just too embarrassed because of the content, to say that she did.

Sadly because of N it seems like your daughter has already had to grow up. *Her* Christmas was ruined too-- the dog comment & just the whole ongoing environment she has to live in with this crazy guy.she doesn't have the maturity to rationalise and deal with all of this the strong way you are trying to.This is also her *father* not her husband so it has to be affecting her a lot.  

Onlyrenting1 said: when my daughter and I got out to the car I told her I felt like just leaving right then.

Bludie said: I had to be careful not to use her as a confidante with my relationship problems  Wasn't always successful but it's a good thing to keep in mind with kids. They grew up too soon as it is anyway, right?

I agree with Bludie.it is really something to think very much about.it might even be hard to realise that you are doing it if you are sometimes & there is no blame.only to watch for it.you have so much of your own things to worry about and it is a very hard time but if you can somehow set some special thoughts of focus aside for your daughter.maybe talking with a counsellor or something.i think she must be very deeply affected by all of this.

[onlyrenting1]

Thank you Guest.

I agree with all of your wisdom.

This A.M. My N is telling me how he doesn't want me worry about him and taking care of him with his very long recovery.

I see he has written his brother a letter, he mentioned his thoughts on getting out of town and having the surgery in Dallas.  

I will be looking for a therapist for our daughter who specializes in the N.
We both went a few years back and were told he was this way because of the Pain he was in. Now I have a direction for us both.

This Man is her father and she is at an age where she could understand divorce.  
Her saftey is a concern, divorce can take your control away from her enviroment.  The N lies and I need to play that game with some knowledge behind me.  

I have to go to work ....Thanks, I will pray about it.....onlyrenting