Hello Astrofemme,
I'm not an "old-timer" here, but I can certainly vouch for the level of support and concern you will find here. I think you made a wise choice by coming here and letting us get to know you.
And one thing you can do for yourself, starting today, is just that: let us get to know you. The folks here (myself included) are genuinely interested in who you are, what you're facing, how it feels. I think a big part of climbing out of that hole is letting other people into it. Once you do, it doesn't feel nearly so confining or dark.
I haven't been through a divorce, so I don't know how long it takes to heal from that--though I suspect a long time. I do know that long-term involvement with an N leaves deep wounds that take years to heal, and in some ways never do. One of the most potent consequences of the narcissistic personality, I think, it that N's suck all the air out of the atmosphere around them. They appropriate, and then consume, the life force of whatever system they happen to be in--a marriage, a parent/child relationship, etc. There's nothing left over for anybody else. You spend all your effort in the care and feeding of a vacuum. It's more than exhausting; it's defeating. So the feeling that you are empty, bereft of energy and drive, is quite natural. You've spent many years of your life using your energy to feed someone else's. When that person is gone, you don't suddenly have a "surplus" to give yourself--you have a landscape where the air doesn't move, where everything is waiting to see which way the wind will blow, or if there will even be wind at all. Add to that a health problem, and it's really no wonder that you're feeling like you have nothing to give, even to yourself.
Therapy helps for most people. I think the primary benefits of therapy are, first, that you give yourself permission to pay attention to yourself and, second, that you have a supportive guide in the journey. Therapists are like tour guides through the interior landscape--they may not know you, but they know how it looks to be facing what you're facing. They help you not to be afraid, and that is very beneficial.
One thing I find here is that people are very open about their experiences in therapy, and that's really helpful. It's another way in which you are not alone. And if you have questions about therapy--how to look for a therapist, what if you don't feel you're ready for it, etc.--I think everyone here will be more than happy to help you answer them.
I hope you'll continue to post here. My thoughts are with you today.
Best,
daylily
