Does someone know of a good sexual abuse support site?

[Anonymous]

Hi Denise:

Hope you are still reading.  Hope you are feeling a little better too.  I am keeping you in my prayers.

Hiya October:  Thankyou for your comments about what I said about ending it all to Denise.  Maybe it does sound like I don't understand?

You wrote:  

That is applying a value judgement to an illness, and shows lack of understanding, imo.

I think you might be assuming that I have never been in a suicidal state and therefore I may have no empathy.  That's ok October.  We all assume incorrectly sometimes.  It's easy enough to do.

The desire to kill oneself is not a choice,

I totally agree with you here.  The desire is a symptom of illness that needs treatment.  That's why it's important for Denise to seek help.

The act......however....of ending it all......is a choice.  One that many of us have contemplated, or felt a great desire to perpetrate on ourselves.  It's one thing to want something, to think about it, to desire it and another.....to do it.

But thankyou for bringing this up because I think it is important to establish the difference.  Reason is something that influences choices.
In order to choose suicide, we must reason away all other choices, all other responsibilities, all other comforts and convince ourselves that there is a good enough reason to do it....to end it all.  I believe Denise's children are a good enough reason...not to.

I like the comforts you suggested to Denise.  Chocolate in bed!! Great idea!!!

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now October.  Good for you for coming here and trying to help Denise!  That is very considerate of you and generous.     There you are again, giving and giving.  (((((October)))))

GFN

[Denise]

October, i thank you with all my heart, you must be experiencing bad things also, to know and understand exactly how i feel, i feel for your pain to  
And thanks for defending me, i am not a selfish person, quite the opposite i am just having difficulty coping with all these bad feelings in my head and in my heart.
"Six more days hopefully and i find out if my sexual abuser will be prosecuted, do people really know how this feels, its like waiting for a bomb to go off, this is why i feel so overwhelmed worthless and like giving up, its making me worse not knowing the outcome, and theres a very big chance he will walk free, he knows what he done to me and i know and it sickens me everyday to think about it, this is just the first thing i have to sort out, so i say sorry to people who think it maybe selfish to have suicidal thought, but am sure if you were in my head right now you would feel the same"      
Sorry to put this on your posting october, its not meant for you or not meant to sound nasty, i just want people to understand how desperately hard things are at the moment.
Thanks again for your understanding, your an angel xx

[Denise]

GFN, my children are a reason for not ending it, but i can give you a million other reasons to end it, i am in an extremely heightened state of depression sadness loneliness despair worthlessness emptyness, my heart aches with pain my eyes permanently filled with tears, my thoughts are bad, i agree, but even just for a day if this would all go away, it would help, maybe i would see a future, whereas now i see now, not tomorrow or next week, if you read my social services files, you would probably understand better what is going on right now     i am not bad, i am just helpless in my self at the moment

[Brigid]

Denise,
I'm sorry things are so bad right now.  I'm sure the anxiety of awaiting the results of the sexual abuser is overwhelming right now.

I am fortunate to have never been in a suicidal state, but when I was in the depths of my situational depression, I could, for the first time in my life, understand how someone could make that decision.  

I hate the weekends too.  I hope you take some of October's advice and find a way to enjoy the quiet and do something special for yourself.  A bubble bath with nice music is a great indulgence and something we can't really enjoy when the kids are around.

I hope you can get through to Race and begin a plan for getting some help.

((((((((Denise))))))))))))

Brigid

[Portia]

Good to hear you   Denise. I’ll pinch something you said to GFN:

i am ashamed of how i have become

Where you are now is your situation and thinking and feeling right now. It isn’t YOU. Where you are is not all that is you: you are something separate underneath all this suffering. You are the you that was born a happy baby full of joy with life. I guess that didn’t last long and I’m so sorry. But you know what babies are like, they’re not bad or imperfect, they just are, they want to exist.

Somewhere in you is the same YOU that wants to live and experience life. It’s hidden away because of the intense cruelty you’ve suffered, for no reason other than being someone in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Please don’t be ashamed of your self, because your self is still pure. It’s the garbage piled on you that’s the problem: not you. I hope your abuser does get justice - but if not? It’s nothing to do with you: it’s an imperfect system. Will you be safe from him if he does walk free?

Hope you get that number soon and I sympathise about the NHS. It’s far from effective. Keep posting, we’re listening and thank you for your reply! Take care of your self (((Denise)))

[Anonymous]

Hi again Denise:

I must have posted my post to you above, while you were busy posting also, so I didn't see some of yours until now.

Good to see you posting!

i am not bad,

Denise, good standing up for yourself!!  I don't think you're bad and I doubt anyone else here does either.  Have I ticked you off a little?

i am just helpless in my self at the moment

I don't think you're selfish, or bad, or any negative such thing.  I think you are a good person who has been through h*ll and is still here to talk about it.  You're no quitter!!  You're still posting so that shows me that you are struggling to communicate and reach out.  That's great!!

I have given you an idea that you could decide to use to help yourself.  You could tell yourself that suicide would be a selfish act because your children would be left without a mother to love them.  This might be the ticket to keep you here....and give you a reason to seek help.  If you tell yourself this and decide to believe it.....it will help you.. to not choose ending it.  You have said how much you love your children.  I believe you Denise.

Our mind is a powerful device.  It can be used to harm us.  Our abusers know this and go to great lengths to convince us of nasty things, to instill us with negative feelings, to control us.  Every minute that we allow their words, their faces, their nasty behaviours, their desire to fill us with fear and hate and especially self-hate...to occupy our minds.....is a minute they win space in our heads from us, another assault they get away with.   I'm sure your abusers would be very glad to know you are feeling this way.    I bet they would rejoice if you were to end it all.  
They would ultimately win....their horrible game of destruction.  Don't let them win Denise!!!

There is one place you do have power, Denise.  It is in your head.  You can indeed decide to take away your abuser's power.  Maybe it won't all happen today, and I know it won't be an easy task....but it is something to consider possible.....something to look forward to....a way to get back at them.  Please don't give up and let those b#$%^&d's win.  They've taken enough from you.    

i am in an extremely heightened state of depression sadness loneliness despair worthlessness emptyness, my heart aches with pain my eyes permanently filled with tears, my thoughts are bad,...

I'm sorry that you are feeling so very lost and all this pain.   The hospital seems similar to some horrors from your past.  It might be possible to reject this idea.  What if you imagine.....pretend.....on purpose.....that the hospital is a comfortable place, a place where there are people who want to help you, a place where you feel safe and cared for??

These are just thoughts, Denise.  They won't hurt you.  They are just ideas that you could substitute and concentrate on....for a little while.....to give yourself a break from all the pain.  What would it hurt?

Maybe while having that bubble bath Brigid suggested?

Keep posting Denise.  (((((((((Denise))))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Serena, am glad your life is sorted out now, as you say it takes time.
My meds r reboxetine highest dosage i can take, diazapam and zolpidem, ive been on the reboxetine a good few months now, and i actually think they are making me go backwards instead of forwards, so i think i will get them changed again.
My gp is ok, but if you live in the uk, you will know what the NHS is like, i need to see a psychologist this approximate waiting time is 18 months, ive got 5 to go, race are going to try and get it brought forward.
As 4 social services, i have been told to approach them but to complain not to ask for help, after being shoved in 40 different homes, would you want help from them?
Hospital frightens me to death, i was locked away as a child in various places, and thats how i see hospital, and what will it achieve anyway, they will just drug me up so i cant think about anything.
My abusers didnt steal my soul, they stole my innocent childhood, and now they have returned in my mind to steal my adulthood  

Hi Denise

I've had a look at the drugs you are on and a note of caution, don't take the diazepam and the zolpidem together.  They are both sedatives.  The Reboxeting is an NARI - a noradrenaline reuptake inhibitor.  I would go back to the GP and have a word with him about how you feel on it.  Discuss with him if you would be better with an SSRI - selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (or a combination of both).

Also, please don't assume my advice is professional and I would urge you to see your GP.  When you are feeling better, I would approach Social Services and ask for ALL your files from your childhood which you can now get owing to the Freedom of Information Act.

Good luck  

[Anonymous]

I know the diazapam are to keep me calm, andd the zolpidem are to make me sleep, sometimes i take both together, still doesnt make me sleep, thanks for info on others, ive been on sertraline before an mitrazipine, thanks anyway

[Anonymous]

I got my files from social services, this is what has caused half the problems, terrible reading, things i found out that i didnt know before, its really sad

Denise

[bunny]

Hi Denise,

I think it's very risky to read your files without a therapist present and/or available by phone. I am sorry you are reading them and being traumatized. Isn't your therapist ethically obliged to talk to you or see you, even if you can't pay?

a concerned bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Denise,

I think it's very risky to read your files without a therapist present and/or available by phone. I am sorry you are reading them and being traumatized. Isn't your therapist ethically obliged to talk to you or see you, even if you can't pay?

a concerned bunny

I can't speak for Denise, but I live in England.  It's almost impossible to get anything other than monthly visits to a psychiatrist, or a short course (6 weeks) of 'therapy'..........  They prefer the pharmaceutical option over here.

I was incredibly lucky to have a fantastic doctor who referred me to a psychoanalyst who took the occasional 'charity' case.  I was with him for 9 years and he let me turn into the person I deserved to be.

Denise - from your posts, you are a warm, intelligent and emotionally aware person.  Please try to nurture the child you were born as, the one that life sh*t upon from a great height.  Your recovery will be sublime, it is no more than the life you should always have had.  Your memories will always be with you but will recede in their horror.  I sometimes think that the profound sorrow of abuse is not what happens at the time, but its' aftermath.

You are less wonderful and lovable just because adults treated your childhood like an emotional punchbag and a receptacle for abuse.

Kindest thoughts

[Serena]

Sorry, posting earlier as 'guest' as I didn't sign in  

From my last post:

You are less wonderful and lovable just because adults treated your childhood like an emotional punchbag and a receptacle for abuse.


Obviously I meant to say You are NO less..................... etc.

[Denise]

Bunny, serena is right what she says, unless you pay, there is a huge waiting list, i am under a psychiatrist, for all the good it does, Serenas lucky if she got once a month, mines once every 3 months,i have found  the NHS here is really bad for getting me help, its only now over a year down the line, and cos i threatened suicide things are moving, although still very slowly.
The only help i got when reading my files was, little tags attached to certain pieces of information, saying "sensitive", theres a lot of stuff they dont tell you, to do with Betty (mother) and other siblings cos its all data protected, so it still leaves a huge gap in your life.
And theres no medical records for me before the age of 16, or they have very conveniently disappeared, how can you live in so many places and have no medical history, if i go in hospital and they ask "does anyone suffer from this that or the other" i say i dont know, cos of the data protection we dont get family medical history.
Even down to the NSPCC, it clearly states they intervened on a few occasions, 1 time finding me and my sister abandoned, i was 2 she was 3, the NSPCC had the care orders placed on us when i was 6, and yet again there are no records, the social services on the whole messed up hugely in the 1970s its only now people are starting to sue them for compensation, cos there was that much abuse, neglect from their part etc that went on, it makes me wonder if maybe this is why so much information is missing

[Denise]

Portia, you asked will i be safe,. these are questions i have also asked, at one time i was getting strange phone calls about 14 a day and night, i would answer they would hang up, number withheld all the time, it really freaked me out, it went on for weeks, then the police were going to put a trace on my phone and it stopped.
I am concerned either way if he walks free or is prosecuted, i wouldnt even know him now if i walked past him in the street, not knowing what he looks like does make me afraid, not just of him, but any of his associates, the police say he has a huge criminal record, hes been a hard man in his time, so yes i do find it worrying, not just 4 now but 4 the future to, cos he could just bide his time then come looking for me

[Denise]

As I was slowly passing
an orphan's home one day,
I stopped for just a little while
to watch the children play.
Alone a girl was standing
and when I asked her why,
she turned with eyes that could not see
and she began to cry.

I'm nobody's child,
I'm nobody's child.
Just like the flowers
I'm growing wild.
I got no mummy's kisses
I got no daddy's smile.
Nobody wants me,
I'm nobody's child.

No mummy's arms to hold me
or sooth me when I cry,
'cos sometimes I feel so lonesome
I wish that I could die.
I'll walk the streets of heaven
where all blinds can see.

And just like for the other kids
it will be a home for me.

I'm nobody's child,
I'm nobody's child.
Just like the flowers
I'm growing wild.
I got no mummy's kisses
I got no daddy's smile.
Nobody wants me,
I'm nobody's child.


I have posted this elsewhere, its just a song i remember from childhood, that i wanted to share with people