Cul de Sac

[Anonymous]

Sorry you're feeling so sad Plucky but glad you feel comfy enough to say so and to cry a bit.  Good release, I think.

I know you all keep telling me not to feel that way and you are right.

You feel what you feel, Plucky and that's ok.  But...if you try to change your thinking ...if it seems like a good idea.....it will effect the way you feel.

For example.  You've said you feel unworthy...... could this be because you have some thoughts in there that are giving you this message?  Memories from the past?  Words spoken by others?  Maybe long ago?  Maybe not so long ago?

Like tapes playing in our heads, we hear stuff...whispered stuff....unconscious stuff sometimes... that keeps us in this place of feeling less than others.....unworthy (or other negative stuff about self).

But......for me, if I try to think stuff.......different stuff...... like:

"I'm not listening to those tapes anymore" and
"I am worthy"........

I find....my feelings gradually change about myself, or I should say, have changed....over time.

This might work for you?  Maybe not?  Worth a try?  Hard to do when you're feeling down? That's ok too.

Cry a bit.  Think a bit.  Work on the old tapes....shutting them down, discarding them and making new ones.

It sounds simple and the concept is.  The technique...takes time and effort and isn't always so easy...but it is often effective.

Mean time.......hope your fears ease....a little, if that is best.

And I really hope you will begin to tear out those old tapes and replace them with really good ones.  I can just about guarantee that if you keep trying.....you'll do it and once done....you'll feel a whole lot better.

(((((((Plucky))))))))

I'll be away until Monday.  Keep posting for the support you need and are worthy of.   It won't go away.

GFN

[Plucky]

Quote:
My kids are starting to open up like little flowers.
 Great! Wonderful! How is it showing? Want to talk about them?

They are acting out less and just seem more willing to share their thoughts around me and less wary of whether I will be impatient with it.   And my 6 year old said that the song on the cd we were listening to must be helping me because I had not yelled at them in 2 weeks.   I told him I was happy he was saying that and that I was trying harder not to lose my temper.  

I called the T and left a message that my H had been cutting, in case he did not tell her.

Now I am trying to find a hiding place for the knives.
What a life.
Plucky

[Portia]

Hi plucky, I hope that you feel that you’re taking good steps? It is very difficult. When you say ‘what a life’ how do you feel? I can’t hear you so I don’t know and I wondered. I’m thinking you could be:

angry (what did I do to deserve this life),
sad (crying because it is sad),
desperate (don’t know what to do but doing this at least),
resolute (what a life but I’ll manage),
determined (what a life but it’s what I’ve got),
shocked (I don’t believe this is happening, what a life),
stressed (I can’t handle this alone)
bitter (why do I have to live this life)
confused (what is happening to me and my life)
or even not sure what you feel (because you’re very busy doing things)

can’t think of any more right now. Whatever you feel, from that list or otherwise, it’s okay and it’s allowed, appropriate, human. All emotions are okay, they can’t be otherwise, they just are what they are. Understanding ‘why’ is the interesting and helpful part. P

[Plucky]

Hi Portia,
All of the above.  Except for maybe bitter.  Remember, I don't think I deserve better!   Right now I just want to make through the next half day and then the next.  

Whatever you feel, from that list or otherwise, it’s okay and it’s allowed, appropriate, human. All emotions are okay, they can’t be otherwise, they just are what they are.

Thank you for this reminder.   I was feeling a bit wobbly and afraid that I didn't know what to do.  I guess that is just part of feeling your way through something new.

My H went to the T and said it went ok and he was even going to go again!  That is good, but when I told him he needed to make a commitment for several months at least he seemed surprised.  That's odd considering we went to a marriage counselor before.

I am feeling as if I need to close up a bit and go back into survival mode in preparation for the visit from Mother, followed by an extended visit with the inlaws.  At least this time the scales will have fallen from my eyes, to some extent.

bloodied, unbowed,and still somewhat
Plucky

[P]

Plucky, if survival mode is what I think it is, I understand. (I wonder if you've been living all your life in survival mode? I think I have, seriously. I think I'm turning the corner now and it looks...easier. Not as serious.)

Good news about H and therapy. Please don't feel you have to be responsible in any way. Please let it be his thing. He has to take control himself?

I am so glad you said no to "bitter" that's a really tricky one, difficult to shift. All the rest are manageable i think! Bitterness eats away from the inside, self-destructive. Just my opinion.

When does mother visit? Hope you can stay with us. If not, we're still here, supporting you, casting our ears over your interactions with her, and listening to you, whispering "what an overgrown child!" in your ear. (Okay, not factually... but yes really, if you tell us, during or after.) You're not alone with whatever happens. Please believe that. I've found it to be true here. best Portia

[Plucky]

we're still here, supporting you, casting our ears over your interactions with her, and listening to you, whispering "what an overgrown child!" in your ear.

Thanks for a good laugh.  I plan to stay on if I can get on the computer without someone looking over my shoulder.  If not I will get up in the middle of the night.
Thank you for the support and for giving me the image that you are there supporting me even if I am not posting.  It means a lot.
Plucky

[mum]

Hey, Plucky. Wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending some great moments of power and peace your way.  I'm certain you will have made some great strides with this visit/challenge you are up against.

I have a great mentor who reminds me not to worry over my children's challenges, as they are learning much of the same stuff I am only now learning in middle age!!
So I can remind myself too, that amazing growth of spirit is usually preceded by (and sometimes only happens after) great struggle.  

This is your time, Plucky. This is all about your learning what you need to in this life. Your husband (andeveryone) has the same opportunity to learn, and maybe he will. But you need only focus on this amazing miracle of what you are and will be.  You sound so focused and resolved, and although you joke about being "not so" Plucky....I think you really are!

I used to ride a horse named "Moxie".  She sure had Moxie! And you remind me of that, Ms Plucky!!!! (um not that you are a horse or anything...just a great spirit!)

[b/k]

Hi Plucky,

I'm kinda late reading your thread.  But, please add my voice of support and prayers for you.

Thinking of you,
Butterfly

[Plucky]

Neigh!
I'm still trotting on.  Thanks for all the advice, prayers, and good wishes.  I am glad to be part of this group.  I have trusted you with my heart and you have not let me down.  Thank you.  
Plucky

[mum as guest]

Hi, Plucky.  I will be traveling beginning tomorrow, so my contact here will be "iffy".  I will do my best to check in....but wanted you to know I will still be thinking of you.

[October]

Neigh!
I'm still trotting on.  Thanks for all the advice, prayers, and good wishes.  I am glad to be part of this group.  I have trusted you with my heart and you have not let me down.  Thank you.  
Plucky

On the subject of horses, this reminds me of a part of Gone with the Wind (which I just read last week).  Mammy is talking about Scarlett (who has to be one of the great Ns of American literature), and says the following:

"You ain' nuthin' but a mule in hawse harness.  You kin polish a mule's feets an' shine his hide an' put brass all over his harness an' hitch him ter a fine cah'ige.  But he a mule jes' de same.  He doan fool nobody.  An' you is jes' de seme.  You got silk dresses an' de mills an' de sto' an' de money, an' you give yo'seff airs lak a fine hawse, but you a mule jes' de same.  An' you ain' foolin' nobody, needer."

When Scarlett tells this to Rhett, he laughs and says 'I have never heard a profound truth expressed so succinctly.'

So, Plucky, from one thoroughbred with a mule for a mother, to another, just remember Mammy talking about all the Ns we know, and take strength from her.  

[Plucky]

I realised today that I feel like a single parent already.   I can't really relax because I always have to plan, supervise, prepare, and be ready to pitch in and take over any time my H has the kids.  And we are still married and living together!
They seem to feel insecure with him and keep running to me for attention when he is around.  Not to give them anything, just hugs and sweet talk.
Maybe it will work to be a single parent!  Maybe they won't suffer!  Maybe it will be good for them when I feel less resentful!  Maybe the sun will come up tomorrow....

[Plucky]

October I am so impressed you took the time to write all that out in dialect, no less!  That's so funny!

Today my H was wearing shorts and short sleeves.   I noticed cuts on his legs and arms.  I realised with a jolt that I have been seeing these cuts for a long time.  He always explained them away using yard work or some accident.   When I see these symmetrical dried blood lines on his skin it just wierds me out no end.  I want to throw up.  My skin crawls.  Maybe it's that fact that it seems so methodical.  So habitual.  So ill.  Euuargh.

In a way I think he is relieved to have me know and start getting help.  Good.  I hope he continues.

I just had to get that out.  God knows I can't tell anyone else.  

The good news it that my mom decided not to come.  All on her own, but of course she tried to pin it on me.  I think she is having a hard time holding it together.  

Are N's normally depressed?  Because my mom goes through depressions.  She has done so since I can remember.   She thinks I don't know it.  During those times she needs to be alone.
Cloppety cloppety clop....
Plucky

[Anonymous]

Hi Plucky:

Glad to hear you won't have to deal with a mother visit.  That's gotta be a relief eh?  It must have been very difficult growing up with a mom who got depressed like that.

Something just popped out at me:

When I see these symmetrical dried blood lines on his skin it just wierds me out no end. I want to throw up. My skin crawls. Maybe it's that fact that it seems so methodical. So habitual. So ill. Euuargh.

I'm glad you can write this here and get it out in the open.  Not nice stuff to have locked inside....all these creepy crawly feelings.

What struck me is that you've been seeing these cuts for a long time and accepted his explanations for them, as you say.  Is it possible that you accepted those reasons because it was too tough to deal with the feelings that come with the truth of the matter?  If so, this is a good thing because you are now being very plucky and "noticing" those cuts and experiencing your feelings about it!  I think lot's of people would feel the way you do about it.  It's hard to deal with.   Good thing he's getting help now, at least.

This made me wonder if you H might have done the same thing with your stuff?  I wonder if what happened to you produces creepy crawly or whatnot feelings for him, that he just hasn't been plucky enough to allow himself to feel?  So, he denied what happened to you, wanted it brushed under the carpet, so to speak, to avoid feeling it?  Just a thought.  

Anyway, good for you for stepping ahead and allowing yourself to feel those yucky feelings about your husband's behaviour!

Hope you have a really good day today!  

GFN

[Cadbury]

Hi Plucky,

I have to admit I didn't read everything that has been written so if I repeat things that have already been said then I apologise in advance!

It was mostly the self-harm that I was responding about. I used to self -harm when I was younger and I have done it once or twice since being an adult when I have felt particuarly stressed. I thought it may help to have my point of view, incase it may help you understand what may be going on in your husbands head.

Okay, so firstly I used to harm myself when I couldn't cope with the emotions that were going on in my life at the time. It was as if everything had gotten to be too much and by hurting myself I could find some kind of release. I never told anyone and kept it very private. I also never did any real damage. All the cuts would be very superficial. It was more the act of doing it that gave the release that helped me. I never did it for attention as your husband seems to be doing sometimes. I also never used it as a bargaining tool as he also seems to do.

I have spoken to other people who have self-harmed and it seems that people fall roughly into three camps. The first are people like me who harm in times of stress and use it to release feelings they may have difficulty dealing with. The second are people who seem to hate themselves and use the harming to try and destroy in some sense what they hate. It seems to be this second group who are most in danger of doing serious damage to themselves. The third are people who may have both the previous reasons, but mostly self-harm for attention. Kind of a last-ditch attempt to grab your attention.

Obviously, my experiences are limited, and your husband may not be doing it for any of theses reasons. I just thought that maybe if you could see what may be going on in his head, it may help you to worry less. I think everything you are doing is right - getting him to admit he has a problem is a big step. Getting him to accept that it could be damaging to his children is another.

The biggest part of curing myself, was learning new techniques to deal with stress. When I was hurt or hurting I learned to talk to someone, or at the very least remove myself from places where I would be able to harm myself. IF your husband won't go to therapy, then maybe suggesting things like this may help?

Sorry, if I have been a rambling mess but I find that people have such a horror of self-harm that a little understanding may help them to deal with it.