Cul de Sac

[Plucky]

My husband just drove himself to the emergency room to be treated for a deep knife wound that he inflicted on himself.    Today I told him that I had given up on your relationship.  He cut himself before, just shallow cuts, when I said I was considering divorce, and I backed off that time.

Now he is there and he is not going to tell them it was intentional.  What can I do?  Stay married forever to a guy who has no empathy?  Leave him and let the father of my children bleed to death in a cheap motel room?

Not Feeling So
Plucky

[mum as guest]

(((((Plucky))))))
Oh, dear. I am so sorry for this.  I know that people who want to keep the patterns of relationships in thier life make counter moves to get others to stay in the same pattern with them....but this is really extreme.  

Do you think he did this to get your attention, divert attention from the situation at hand, get you to feel sorry for him, or because he is mentally unstable?
 
You can't fix him.  He is dumping his pain on you....and that is not fair. Please don't accept this for your life.  You AND YOUR CHILDREN deserve more. Healthy love is what children need, not married parents with and unhealthy relationship.  

I don't know if anything I said helps or not....I just want to send you strength and love, Plucky. Please be strong.  You are.

[mum as guest]

Plucky: you are in this situation and yet you are so strong, popping in on the board to offer your strength and love to others....
What a wonderful woman you are.  Please know this....please understand that you deserve a happy life.. Don't worry about HOW it will come about, KNOW it will because you deserve it.

[Plucky]

Thank you mum.  Oh God, what am I going to do?

He did it for control.  Because he has bad pain and was trained not to let it out.  Because today I said for the first time that his family of origin was dysfunctional and he should look at it, and at himself.  Because he doesn't have too many tools to express himself.  Because honestly, I do have some N traits that drive him crazy.    I learned at the feet of a master.  Because today I agreed to sell our house which I always spoke of as being our forever home.  

Because he cannot deal with me.    Or himself.    I don't know why!!!!!!!!!
What should I do?

[mum guest]

Plucky, do you have a support system? Relatives, friends?  Could you tell a trusted someone what is going on? Perhaps they could take the children to do something fun while you talk to a doctor or therapist? Is there someone at the hospital where he went who could be a resource for you or him?
This is not what normal people do when they are faced with something painful. You don't have to have this for your life. Love is NOT this hard.
The biggest lie I ever believed was that love equals pain.  It's not true. My ex had so much pain it spilled out over to me and I mistook the intensity of it for love.  
All married people drive each other a bit batty....but not like this. Do not take the blame.  Please don't.
Can you call a hotline of some kind?  Not just to talk but to get real help.

When I told my ex I wanted his cheating butt out of the house, I instantly felt sorry for him and began calling around for a place for him to stay. Sounds weird, but I was so used to taking care of his pain that I even did that.  It was awful. When I stopped myself after several hours....and told him I was sorry, but this was up to him....he freaked, tried crying, tried yelling, mostly tried to get me to feel guilty, but he did manage to find a place by himself.

Your husband is an adult. This too, shall pass, Plucky. It will.  You will be okay. Focus on being happy. Focus on no more drama. Try to find moments of peace....thinking about being happy ....how would that feel, what would that look like?  
 
I am sitting with you.  Still sending strength.  Do NOT worry about your children. After this, I would be more concerned for them if you stayed.... Your children will be ok, don't even go down that dark road of worry.  Breathe. Imagine life as you want it.... If for nothing else, do that to give yourself a break.

[mum as guest]

Plucky, where is your husband now? Is he at the hospital? Can you send one of his friends or family members to help him or be with him?
You did not do this to him!!! He did this to himself. Don't take the blame for his self inflicted wound.  He made a choice as an adult to do that...for whatever reason. It was his decision.
Are you safe? Are your children safe?

[Anonymous]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Plucky)))))))))))))))))))))))

Leave him and let the father of my children bleed to death in a cheap motel room?

I'm so sorry that your husband is doing this and that you are feeling as if you have any control over what he does (by letting him bleed to death).

How could you stop him?  He will do what he decides to do.

You could stay with him and give him the message that he can control you with this behaviour.  You could stay with him and give your children the message to let others control them by serious, threatening behaviour...which is what his behaviour is.  You can stay with him and let him continue to behave however he likes, while you suffer and try to withstand a loveless relationship and endure all of his hurtful stuff.  You can stay with him and teach your children this is what to do, in such situations.  You can stay with him and wait for the behaviour to escalate, at his convenience, when it seems profitable for him to escalate it, or when he wants to control you further.  He might decide to do that when the time seems right.  You can stay with him and let his scare tactic of want possession of one of the children .......control your decisions.

Or.......

Plucky.....you can ignor this awful fear of what he might choose to do as a result of you standing up for yourself and your children... and move forward, toward a healthy, happier, safer life.

So sorry Plucky that this is so hard.  Would you consider calling emerg and letting them know that your husband did cut himself for attention?  This might be very important in future legal respects.

Keep posting, Plucky.  We're here for you.  Right now, I think you need tunnel vision........look down that tunnel and see you and your children emerging into the light, into a healthier home life, into peace and comfort.

Try to block out his acting out and think of it as acting out.  If he chooses to behave like this, there is nothing you can do to stop it.   You can choose to ignor it and take steps to protect yourself and your children from more of it.

He will not win custody of one child.  This is highly unlikely.  Courts are not totally dense.  Judges know that children need their sibblings and they won't split them up for the purpose of making parents comfy.  They decide by considering what is best for the children.  Children are best, most often, kept with their sibblings.  Please don't let this idiotic idea of his have weight in your mind or influence your decisions.  It is not something that is usually done.

Out of all the people on this board, who are separated, or divorced, how many have had their children split up for the benefit of each parent?

I haven't read about that here.  I haven't heard about it in real life, unless the child wants it, and is old enough to be considered by the court.  That age is around 12 years old.

((((((((((((((((((Plucky))))))))))))))))))))

You can do this!  You don't have to live like this!   Please get as much support for yourself as possible and keep planning for a better life.  Sending you strength to keep trying and keeping you in my prayers too.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Here I go again but is there a woman's shelter you could call?

Even anonymously?

They will understand and often have so many helpful resourses.

(((((((((((((((((Plucky)))))))))))))))))

GFN

[Brigid]

Plucky,
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this.  Mum is right that this is not your pain.  He is an adult and he must figure out that his issues are serious and he must get help.  I believe you have stated before that you do not love him anymore.  If that is true, you can't help him and it certainly won't be healthy for you and your children to stay with him out of guilt.  He may be dangerous--he certainly is to himself, but you never know if that could shift to you or the kids.

I would try to avoid visiting him if he is still hospitalized.  Someone needs to know that this was self-inflicted.  Is there a doctor there to tell who can then refer him to psych.  This is not a secret that is good for anyone to keep.  

Is there a place that you and the kids could go for a few days to decompress?  I hope you have a support network of some kind nearby who can help you through this.

I'm keeping you in my prayers.

God bless,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Plucky,

Your husband needs psychiatric help. Please tell someone at the ER that his wound was self inflicted. Although they may figure it out pretty easily on their own. This is so far over your head. Staying married to him won't help his psychiatric problems. He needs doctors at this point, you can't help him except to get him the medical help. What he did shows deep, deep disturbance. And you need help too, from a good therapist who can support you.

Keep posting, you are not a bad person at all. We want to be here for you.

bunny

[Stormchild]

Plucky,

would you stay if he'd cut one of your children, instead of himself?

do you have any idea if he's capable of doing that?

please listen to mum and bunny and others here. this is serious, and it could get a lot worse, and you and the kids need to be safe from it.

[Anonymous]

I hope that the hospital does a psy eval on your husband.

He needs to be hospitalized in the psy unit since he is a threat to himself and possibly others.

God bless.
Mia

((plucky))

[mum]

Plucky.  How's it going?  
I am still sending you strength and light. Please let us know how you are doing.
Everybody here has the right idea....the hospital needs to know what he did.  The truth is needed here.
I read, in the book "Crazy Time", about a woman who thought she had huge psychological problems and her husband appeared to be a victim. After she divorced him, it came to light that it was not HER, she had been poisoned by the awful relationship.  She was not at fault, except for believing she was screwed up and responsible for her husband's issues.
She grabbed on hard to a different life and hung in there and broke free. I think you can too.
The author (forgot name, sorry) cited many examples of how toxic relationships can make any normal person believe they are a total mess.

I guess I tell you this because it may help for you to think this is not the time to focus on the past, or what part you played, etc. This is the time  to focus on getting you and your kids to a healthy place.

[Plucky]

Thank you everyone.  With your help, I am going to get through this.

I phoned the emergency room but my H had just left.  I told them he had done it on purpose.  It had bled a lot but it was actually not that bad of a wound.  At that point they said they couldn't do anything.

I made my husband sit down and I talked about the effect on our children.  How would he feel if it was one of them cutting himself?  Even if they don't see him doing that, they don't learn from him appropriate ways of dealing with stress, so they could well end up being cutters.

Finally to get me off his back he agreed to find a therapist and start going.  I told him he needed to have some tools to deal with things because divorce is long and sad and we were just starting.  I do think he had planned for me to change my mind.

I don't think he is a danger to anyone.  But I will be vigilant.

My feeling is that I have been catapulted again into the caretaker role.  It seems like once again that he is one of my children.  I have to close up my shell now, the shell I was able to open up here with the help of you all and let some of the garbage out.  

I do think I have been awful to him at times, and even though he has not been good to me either, I don't excuse my own behavior.  But he needs to address his own issues and stop pretending all is ok!  

Maybe he is afraid to break down because he is the sole support of the family.   I even had a hard time getting him to admit that cutting is an abnormal behavior.

To make matters worse, my mom is coming for a visit soon!  Aaaarrrrgghhhh!
Not feeling the least bit
Plucky

[Plucky]

PS My H has no friends and no family nearby.    I have very few friends and they are new.   I can't think of anyone I could call to go to the ER to talk with him- heck I can't think of anyone to tell about this, except you on this forum.  

Thank you for being here.
Feeling Less
Plucky