What struck me is that you've been seeing these cuts for a long time and accepted his explanations for them, as you say. Is it possible that you accepted those reasons because it was too tough to deal with the feelings that come with the truth of the matter?
Actually, if my husband had not come out and told me he was cutting, I would still be accepting his explanations (the tool slipped!) and I would still be saying, "be more careful!". I was so clueless. I'd only heard of cutting in passing along the lines of teenaged girls and Princess Diana. It never crossed my mind. Maybe that is better, because my husband had to own up and seek help rather than me being aware and trying to push him. BTW he is going to therapy now, has been once and plans to go again this week.
This made me wonder if you H might have done the same thing with your stuff? I wonder if what happened to you produces creepy crawly or whatnot feelings for him, that he just hasn't been plucky enough to allow himself to feel? So, he denied what happened to you, wanted it brushed under the carpet, so to speak, to avoid feeling it? Just a thought.
GFN, I think you are on to something there. I just don't know the reason. Whether there is something in his past? Whether he just doesn't have the skills to 'solve' it so he doesn't want to be frustrated? He once said he didn't want to know anything my nother had done, because he didn't want it to impact his opinion of and relationship with her. (What about his relationship with me?)
I think I would have welcomed him owning up to some problems, instead of pretending that he was from such a perfect family and I was the crazy one. We could have helped each other. Instead, we just hurt each other and became more and more distant.
Cadbury:
Okay, so firstly I used to harm myself when I couldn't cope with the emotions that were going on in my life at the time. It was as if everything had gotten to be too much and by hurting myself I could find some kind of release. I never told anyone and kept it very private. I also never did any real damage. All the cuts would be very superficial. It was more the act of doing it that gave the release that helped me. I never did it for attention as your husband seems to be doing sometimes. I also never used it as a bargaining tool as he also seems to do.
First, Cadbury, thank you for sharing your experience. It is so helpful. You are so brave to reach out and offer this help. I am beginning to understand cutting somewhat.
Was there ever a time when cutting did not bring that release? When it was not enough? What did you do then?
I have spoken to other people who have self-harmed and it seems that people fall roughly into three camps. The first are people like me who harm in times of stress and use it to release feelings they may have difficulty dealing with. The second are people who seem to hate themselves and use the harming to try and destroy in some sense what they hate. It seems to be this second group who are most in danger of doing serious damage to themselves. The third are people who may have both the previous reasons, but mostly self-harm for attention. Kind of a last-ditch attempt to grab your attention.
All of these reasons are plausible when it comes to my H. I do think he hates himself, at the same time he holds himself in high regard. He cannot express his feelings. He can't even admit he has any feelings, much less deal with them.
I just thought that maybe if you could see what may be going on in his head, it may help you to worry less.
Thank you for thinking about my feelings and extending yourself to address them. Thank you Cadbury! That makes me feel so good! And you are correct. I am trying to understand so I know what the risk is. Is he going to really hurt himself or us? It sounds like maybe that is not a risk.
The biggest part of curing myself, was learning new techniques to deal with stress. When I was hurt or hurting I learned to talk to someone, or at the very least remove myself from places where I would be able to harm myself.
Maybe this is why he is so resistant to us leaving, even though it is stressful and I don't see that he loves me or enjoys the kids al that much. Maybe it is self-preservation.
Sorry, if I have been a rambling mess but I find that people have such a horror of self-harm that a little understanding may help them to deal with it.
Far from it, your post is very useful and chock full of good info. And you are right about my horror. That must be a hard thing to deal with also, knowing that the thing you do to help you cope is difficult for others to understand or even know about. You seem to have done well dealing with it. I will have to overcome my discomfort.
I just keep on learning new things up here. Me, who knew everthing already!
Still basically
Plucky
