Hi Selkie,
Hope you don't mind if I answer Marta's question here, since it is a bit on topic of aloneness. I am depressed due to social anxiety. My family had a huge breach about four years ago which brought a lot of stuff to the surface. My father would still like to "unring the bell", hit rewind, or something to go back in time, back into denial. I'm glad this stuff all came out, but still I mourn the childhood I didn't have, the parents who didn't invest in me, who didn't encourage friendships, who didn't throw me birthday parties, who didn't care to buy me appropriate clothes, who yelled at me when I spoke up for myself, who took advantage of my kindnesses by turning them into expectations, who expected me to take care of their feelings, who expected me not to expect any attention in return, to make them proud, to seek their approval, to meet their needs. These parents would frown when the rare friend visit did occur and then criticize the friend after they left. These same parents would fawn over my brother's friends. I'm depressed because I am alone and don't know if I want to be or if I am conditioned to be alone.
I am depressed because i watch my D go through the same thing, the ostracism at school because she is sensitive and her mother is too anxious to give her the same investment she wished she'd got as a child. I'm depressed because I wish I knew what I was doing when trying to coach my D through her feelings and give her support. Other mothers seem to know just what to do to help their kids form friendships and keep them. I don't. This depresses me. So I withdraw even more. I wonder why still other kids can overcome these obstacles and my d can't. I see her pain and feel it myself not because we're enmeshed but because I've been there.
I'm depressed because I can't stand to be alone with my father. I am literally rendered mute after years of listening to his pontificating. He no longer pontificates, but still doesn't listen. So now there is silence. I am depressed to know that my father did not ever give a rip about anything I had to say just so long as there was someone with a pulse to talk at. I am a potted plant who was watered and stood in the corner, surviving but not thriving.
I'm depressed because my mother repeatedly offers me things and then changes her mind because it's such a nice thing that she decides to give it to my N brother instead. This has happened A LOT. I am depressed because my mother doesn't realize that she only reserves the crumbs off her table for me while the men get thick slices of steak. I'm depressed because my oldest brother was invisible and my other N brother criticized me ad infinitum with NO intervention from my parents. I am weird, ugly, spoiled (!), stupid, weird, ugly, and weird. I was never praised for my school work since this would upset him. I was weird for being smarter than him.
I am depressed because even though I can talk about a family, it's a family that would have gotten along just fine without me. I have not been taught to invest in relationships because we have moved so much. My parents did not invest in any relationships either. And my brother would criticize the holy cr*p out of me because I did not stay in touch with people who did not stay in touch with me.
Yes, all this is whining about less than ideal stuff, not horrific abuse. I am depressed because now I know it isn't me after all, just the garbage they chose to dump on my head all my life. Sometimes I really do feel like Cinderella without a fairy godmother.
I just wish I was a little more socially savvy than I am. I have to remember that I'm doing ok given I didn't get any mentoring whatsoever in this department. Nice and polite only go so far. Well, that's about all I can stand to vomit up at this time.
Miss Piggy ("yay moi")
