Healing from psychological paralysis

[Gaining Strength]

Moonlight and Brigid,
Thank you for your encouragement.  I am taking the positive energy from your words and add it to my armor as I go to fight my ancient personal battle.

Finding this place has been like walking lost, alone and lonely through an eerie forest for days when suddenly the ancient trees begin to speak and tell me the way The voices may have always been there but suddenly I am able to hear them.

My journey and my battle is quite internal.  I have to open up my heart to let these wretched voices of doom and criticism come to the surface so that I can then surplant them with your words of encouragement.  I have for so long honored and valued the voices of superiority and contempt that were my parents' that words of kindness and caring have seemed weak and valueless. So part of my journey is changing that value system and acknowledging the superior power of love. 

I am on the cusp of wholeness.  It is a psychological razor's edge.  But I will continue to seek and to harness the encouragement I receive here.  Thank you beyond words for your healing kindness.

[Hopalong]

Dear GS,
I understand at least a bit what you are describing. I know that every time I feel overwhelmed I have to battle the urge to give up. I know that emotional stress can disable a person just as much as an injury or disease. The disorder in my own life is not quite as extreme but when I stop functioning and yield to a similar parlysis, it is shame-based also. But I didn't realize that until I read Lupine, You, Brigid and Moon just now.

I think part of my shame is loneliness. I feel so isolated at times that I act out a desire to disappear. IOW, if I don't pay my bills or hang up my clothes, noone will ever know. My Nmom is downstairs, but on this floor, noone ever visits (it is just too awkward). Anyway, I am feeling a lot of compassion for you as you face your house today. A lot. After church I need to come back here and deal with what feels to me like Mt. Everest.

I was trying to imagine if there were any small things I could toss out, that I would imagine for you, to send you some practical support. These may make no sense but they keep popping up, so here is some "play advice" ("play" because I can only try to imagine the mountain you face). But it does sound as though it's become very physical, so I was trying to think of what might help you do one piece:

Here, just pretending I can visualize you going into the space, two off-the-wall ideas:

--take a Walkman if you have one and put music such as Handel's Joshua or something that is deeply inspiring...something massive and symphonic, something that sounds very big and very very beautiful.
If you have no portable stereo with headphones, find something as close as you can on the radio.

--take ordinary masking tape or painters' tape with you. Go into a room you need most, and tape off a four-foot-square section. You can run the tape right over clothing, pots, piles, boxes, any sort of chaos at all. That's it.

Do only that section today. Discard, put on the curb, put into bags to give away.

Do another section tomorrow morning. But no more. See how it goes...

Forgive me if it's nonsense but it was just how I visualized you might be able to reclaim your home.
Just take it back a four-foot-square at a time. With music.

What do you think?

Good Sunday,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I got it Hops. 
  I've got to keep my focus.  Pick one thing, tackle it and move on that way. 
   Keeping focus is key.  As I start in any direcion I encounter a tangled mess and get stumped or th tangle gloms over into another mess ad infinitum and whap. I'm paralyzed again.  But I get it.  As I experience this process I am going to let each encounter with paralysis set me back at square one - as many times as it takes to get square one tackled. And then I can move on to square two.   So I got it.  Today's square is not a physical square in my house but it will be planning and executing meals. 

I got it. Hops.  Your suggestions and not new to me but timely.  I don't have that particular music but I will get it or something like it.  I have read in many sources that inspiring, uplifting music can change the whole environmental energy.  Great suggestion.  I'll report back - a little accountability helps me.

Thanks - Gaining

[Hopalong]

GS--
You're welcome!
(I'm offering only what I most urgently need to do too.)

I'm afraid to make promises but I have hopes we'll both soon be able to report at least one step taken.

It really is a one day, one chore, one step at a time thing, I think.
After I stop distracting myself, one day soon I'll start another thread on procrastination.
I think it has a lot of meaning we've looked at briefly here, would be a great topic to dig into.

good luck...won't distract you more for now!

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

OK, Hops,

One step taken!!!!  It took 24 hours but that is a blink in contrast to other possibilities. 

Thank you for your words.  They were more help than you can EVER know.  Just responding and giving me someone to report to help get my first step done. 

I put down figurative tape around my sink and got a load put into the dishwasher.  Then get the vacuum out and ready to use before I pick up from kindergarden.
May I report my next progress?

definitely Gaining Strenght.

[Hopalong]

GS,
BRAVO!

I absolutely totally understand what a HUGE step that was and yes, ma'am, you can report your next one. I don't care if it's just emptying the trash. There is no "just" when you've been paralysed.

I'd love to report in on my next step completed too...once I stop crying myself purple.

Thank you for coming back and sharing this accomplishment, and I am not laughing, I know EXACTLY what you mean!

Another one tomorrow. Let the tape lead you!
(And music too.)

Oh this is wonderful.

hugs,
Hops

[penelope]

hi gaining strength,

I have two N parents, and your posts are really resonating with me.  Yes, I will take this journey with you, as it is a matter of life and death for me to heal.  Do you feel this too?

This especially reminds me of my N Dad:

He came by my home - for the first time since my husband had died four years earlier - to get a photo and walked out with all four boxes saying as he went, "these are photos of MY family." As though I weren't related to his parent, grandparents, etc.) He simply does not see me or my child (whom I named for him) as related to his parents, grandparents, cousins, et.al.  This is just one small way that I did not exist to him, one small sample of the nihilist part of being his child.

We used to go back to his home town (in upstate NewYork) regularly to visit relatives..one time, I went back with him as an adult and he was showing me Grandpa's old hardware store (under new management now) and he was explaining the hill he used to ride his bike down, and how it was "his town" (he did grow up there).  I looked at him and quietly said:  Dad.  It's my town too, I spent many summers here as a kid.  I have memories of this place too (not to mention both grandmothers lived there).  Another time, the last time I spoke (actually emailed) him, I told him what a fool he was and how narcissistic he was cause he always implied his parents (my grandparents) were "the Greatest Generation ever.  They grew up in the depression and they were the greatest and we all knew it (he also implied this about himself and his generation, as he served in Vietnam)."  I was like:  OK?  Which is it, grandma and grandpa were the greatest, or you and Mom are?  In any case, I'm lowly scum no matter how I look at it right?  jerk

Anyhow, I've successfully divorced my parents, have been in therapy now for almost a year.  I am really enjoying my new life.  I do still talk to one brother/sister-in-law, but the rest of my siblings are too enmeshed with N Mom/Dad.  It's OK.  It really does turn out alright.  You are stronger than you know, and you have the strength within.  You know you do, cause you had the strength to be the one who pointed out the craziness in the first place, hence, it's why you became the scapegoat.  I agree with jac, it is one of the roles with the best "prognosis" for healing, but anyone can heal from N abuse/N parents, no matter how enmeshed you might be.  I believe.

lotta other good advice above that I totally agree with too.

hugs,
p.bean

[Gaining Strength]

Penelope,

It is so strange to read someone else's experience that is so similar to mine after so many years of talking into a vacuum.  My father's recounting of his experiences exhibit the same type of grandiosity that your father's did.  I got stuck on some strange psychological level, early on knowing simply that I could never measure up.  Though I carry an air of confidence, a deep, prevailing, unconscious, inner voice says over and over, "you can't measure up, you can't measure up."  By reading your post, I am able to really put that sense of inadequacy together with my father's grandiose descriptions of his life. 

Somewhat like my father, my mother will tell stories of something that happened when I was a child, as though I hadn't been present.  But then I suppose I wasn't present to her at all.  It is so helpful to understand how they have perceived me.  Until I had the framework of Narcissism to put them in, I have not been able to make sense out of my experiences with them.  It never occurred to me that I did'nt really exist for them.  It is still so strange to take in.  My young son is my entire world.  I cannot for the life of me imagine relating to him the way my parents have related to me.


it is a matter of life and death for me to heal.  Do you feel this too?

Yes I do.  Absolutely a matter of life.  Without healing, I am just the loving dead and I know that my life is worth more than that. The one positive characteristic that I have always had is persistance.  I will never quit working on my healing. I believe it can be done.

yours - GS

[Certain Hope]

P.Bean and Gaining Strength,

  I've only recently faced the fact that I truly was never a factor (in my mother's view) in anything that we experienced together as a family while I was growing up. She is the only one she will see. I think that's the only way she feels safe.
To me, the word "anal" sums up her view of life... a scarcity mentality that knows no bounds.

  She is quite stoicly proud of having grown up during the years of the Great Depression, with rationing and all of the other trials of those times. I can understand that. What I don't understand is her envy. I can only think that she must have so resented this atmosphere of deprivation in her own life growing up that she assumes everyone else feels the same way.
For instance, when my children were small , I would provide for them the "really big" Christmases and birthdays which, to me, made the occasions memorable. (ok, so I was more materialistic then and went a bit overboard at times, but it was FUN!)
None of this was extreme, but it was memorable indeed... and I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to indulge them a bit. I feel the need here to add the disclaimer... my kids have never gone the route of having a driving need to have the latest and greatest, fad items, or name brand stuff in order to feel good about themselves. This was just "fun" stuff and apparently not practical enough to suit my mother's taste. Over the years, I could feel her cringe and just generally get "sour" at these times. Inevitably, the occasion would soon be followed by one of her monologues about how rough things were for her growing up and how very little they had. Never mind the fact that this all happened over half a century ago and throughout her 58 year marriage to my Dad, he has been an excellent provider and they've prospered greatly. What I'm taking the long way around to get at here is...  I now see her reaction as envy in action. She not only resented my children for having an easier time of it (perhaps that's why she made them sit on her hard floor to eat), but she resented and despised me for providing better for them than her parents had for her. Along with this, I believe she thought I had always wanted more and was trying to give my kids something that SHE hadn't provided for me. This is absolutely untrue, but I think that because she's this way... she presumes that everyone else is the same. You know... I've encountered a similar sort of envy in others since, and nothing is worse to me than trying to coexist with a person who hates you simply for taking up space in a world they want to own for themselves. My mother has tried for years to enforce her way of being on me personally and on my household. When she meets with failure, she withdraws and sulks. I cannot please her unless I become her and that is surely not an option.

Hope

[reallyME]

Because he took on no shame for his mistake, he projected his shame onto me and  punished me severely.

Ok, first of all, his MISTAKE?  Sweetheart, putting a gun into a 6 year old's hands is NO MISTAKE.  That is just plain SICK on his part.

It reminds me of the years when my husband told me that he wanted to take my daughter to a slaughtering house, cause she might ENJOY that, since HE did when his own father took him. 

When I told a lady in the church that my husband and I were close to, what he planned to do, though her own husband was a hunter, SHE WAS HORRIFIED and said "I had NO IDEA you were enduring all that with Roland."  It took years before people would stop seeing this man that I married, as their STAR CONGREGANT, just cause they felt sorry for his geekiness and cause he was the janitor...you know, like those mentally retarded people who clean buildings cause they are unable to do anything else...but of course, because Roland is an N, he saw their favor as being a result of how WONDERFUL he was...and how could i NOT also join in with their sentiments...hmmm, I guess it was somewhat in between seeing him yank my daughter up by the arm and just start whacking her...or maybe the times when he held my head against the bed and tried to CHOKE me for standing up for myself....maybe, just maybe, that has something to do with my not being so ENAMORED with the man back then or even now?

~ Laura

[Certain Hope]

Laura,

 Has your husband's physical abuse of yourself and your children stopped?

Hope

[reallyME]

Yep it has stopped LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG AGO.

After the last incidence of my 2 year old being thrown up against the hood of the car and beaten, I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me or children again, I WAS OUT OF THERE!

He never did, we went to counselling, so I'm still here.

Sometimes he throws it up in my face, "well if YOU would have let me spank the kids!"  I say "You REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE!"  That ends things, since he is a walking Robot who can only spit out the same stuff over and over again, like a broken record or tape player.

~Laura

[Certain Hope]

Hi Laura,

So glad that part of it stopped. Sounds like he at least is capable of changing some behavior, when held accountable. With my ex, the abuse was all mental/psychological and if I pointed out some tactic he used that was hurting me or my kids, he only escalated that behavior. What's really a shame to me is that although your husband has stopped physically striking out, he still seems to think that sort of abuse is ok. Seems like if he really saw how damaging it was, he would never throw that back into your face. Physically overpowering a child (or anyone, for that matter) may bring behavior into line, but when cooperation is inspired by fear, the heart doesn't change. Same thing with adults who are forced to give up something lest they lose a valuable relationship... like the old saying goes, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still". Again, I'm glad you and your family are safe now.

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

GS,
Just checking in with you...how are you doing?

I was wondering if part of the difficulty in focusing enough to clean, etc., might be ADD?
Have you ever been evaluated for that?

(I wonder because I've been "diagnosed"--wrongly, apparently--with it. I don't have it but I certainly have a ton of distractibility and anxiety, which makes the paralysed times especially tough. It's like breaking a logjam...I know it can all flow again, but it's that first battle with the logs is the hardest.)

Hope you're feeling hope today.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Well Hops -

Funny you should ask.  As a matter of fact, I have been diagnosed with ADD and on Monday I actually took Adderall for the first time in months to hel kick start my cleaning.  Unfortunately, I was not able to sleep that night and very little Tuesday night.  So that started a whole other cycle of being exhausted and not eating well which has in turn led to a sinus infection and ....

Yeah, I'm definitely ADD and that is part of my struggle.  I have what is known as Executive Function disorder.  The frontal lobe of your brain controls Executive Function which is about getting started, setting goals and such.  I suspect that a head injury as a young child might be part of that issue.  But I also know that the shaming and inadequacy, worthlessness issues that have gripped me are also part of it. 

My strategy is to meditate daily, eat nutritiously, exercise daily and to replace the feelings of shame with positive feelings.  I will make progress in one or more of these areas for a while and then cycle back down.  But  even when I slip backward in one area, I am making progress overall. 

I see such a great improvement in my attitude in recent months.  I choose to believe that problems I have been struggling with for the past couple of years are going to get resolved instead of being frustrated and anxious.  That shift has really helped me begin to see things shift.  And as I feel less resentful over the difficulties I've endured, issues emerge out of me unconscious mind and are laid out for me to deal with. 

So I am making progress.   My house clutter is probably the manifestation of the clutter of my unconscious shame and sense of inadequecy.  I suspect that I might have to clean house of my psyche before I can clean my physical house.

I just hope it doesn't take 20 more years of counseling.

Gaining Strength