dark side of the moon- Help

[sea storm]

I am happy to announce that I have been separated from N for ten weeks now. I nearly went mad when it first happened and cried for days and weeks. I feel more grounded now and even get some pleasure out of life. I survived Christmas. I missed the good side of him and was relieved that I didn't have to deal with the need for his approval anymore.
I want to talk about how it came to be that he labelled me sick and crazy.  This was a gradual process that began with his patronizing and arrogant condemnation of my feelings. My feelings were inevitably wrong. As time went on he became more dominating. He gained complete financial control of all income even though he was not working. He claimed that he was much more able to manage money than I.  I know now that he put whatever money he had into his toys of private mutual funds. Whenever I would ask about money he would say that I was having an episode ( manic depressive). This became frequent and he would say over and over "You are sick, you're sick!!" if I questioned him on suspicious behaviour. This must sound really strange to people. However, this was what I heard for months and I was isolated from friends and family.
He told my coworkers that I was unstable and losing my mind and becoming violent. He removed his antiques from the house and broadcast to his friends that he was removing them because I was mentally ill and he was afraid I would damage them. I would not damage them. What????? was he talking about? He told my daughter I was becoming violent. Anyway, it was like that movie with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman ie. Gaslighting.
I became unstable after all this craziness with money and fears of infidelity ( I was right. he was playing around with two women). I couldn't work and it was getting worse and worse. Finally, I pulled the pin on the relationship. He tried to get me fired from my job by getting me arrested. This is sooooo nutzoid.
So ten weeks later after going to a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a counselor ( I have a good rehab plan from work) I am doing pretty good. They have all said that I am remarkably sane given the stress from my job and the relationship. He called the psychologist and told her I had a gun in the house and was suicidal and homocidal.  She did not believe him and came to understand what I was coping with. I realize now that he was projecting a lot of very crazy stuff onto me. At the time I didn't know what was happening and it felt like I was living in Hell.
I feel used, insulted, humiliated, furious, hurt, sad etc about his family believing that I am bonkers. He set it up like that and told his new girlfriend that he has been living with a psychotic abusive bad woman etc etc. So the devaluing was very dramatic and served to excuse his leaving me for someone else.
As the smoke settles I feel relieved that I was released from such destructive insanity. However, the scars are defineately there.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of devaluing. To the point where he involved family, friends, police and may workplace????

I am feeling a bit shakey after Christmas and please excuse the length of this letter.

Sea Storm 

[invisible]

O dear Sea Storm,

Yes, actually, I have been to that point where you even start to doubt your own mind and memories because that type of person can drive you to the point where you think "How can I be sure that I am right and they are wrong????" And that is when you start to doubt even what you know is truth.

There is a story about Paul when he was shipwrecked and the whole boat broke up into pieces. Some of the people were able to swim to shore but those who could not swim made it to the land on bits and pieces of the wood from the broken boat. The thing is that they did make it to the shore. They did get to safety.

It sounds like that is when you are right now. You have been shipwrecked and you held whatever pieces you could to help you not to drown... and you made it to the dry land. It sounds to me like right now is the time for you to allow yourself to rest and get dried out and warmed up next to the fire.

You are safe now. You made it. It is going to be OKAY. You are going to be OKAY.

 

[sea storm]

Dear Invisible,
Thank you so much for replying to me in such a compassionate and loving way. As I read your reply I started to cry and they are very healing tears.
You are so right. I barely made it out alive because of my own self destructive tendencies but I did make it and now I am just starting to heal.

Love,
Sea Storm

[axa]

Seastorm,

Well done for surviving.  I understand the pain and confusion you have experienced.  Thankfully I got out before it went truely crazy, though parts of it were very very weird for me. 

I am so impressed that you managed yourself in all the pain.  I am so glad that there are others out there who see what is really happening and know the madness of your situation.  You have been through the worst of the storm and you are sane enough to reach out and seek help and support.  You have chosen to come to a place of care and understanding and move away from the rage of the N.

WELL DONE

axa

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((Sea))))))))))))))))))))))

Rocking you in warm waves, at safe harbor.
In a yellow rubber ducky ring.
With a team of affectionate therapy dolphins.
And this support group sitting on the beach with pinacoladas,
waving at you, saving you a thick cozy towel to flop on,
while we just carry on....

SO glad you made it out.
SO glad.

Keep taking care of yourself, being kind and patient and compassionate with yourself, okay?
And post a lot...you are going to need to talk about it while you heal.

I am so impressed.

Hops

[mudpuppy]

Has anyone else experienced this kind of devaluing.

Absolutely. I still am.
And you are partly correct that it carries an element of projection. But it is also an apparently universal technique used by Ns to isolate, ostracise and control non-compliant people within their sphere of influence. The primary goal is to compel obedience. They much prefer a simpering lapdog, but failing that they seek to utterly discredit, isolate and humiliate anyone who refuses to comply and is therefore a threat to their facade.

Its a badge of honor to have come through it. Once within their orbit the only way to get out is through such a trial by fire. The only other alternative is to make your kow tow and debase yourself by acquiescing to their fantasy world of denial. Just be glad you didn't take that route. Its easier in the short run but it leads to a wasted, miserable life.

mud

[axa]

Mud,


I experienced the devaluing also.........it was like looking at a scales on the one hand I was being devalued while xwife was being put on the pedestal.  She is compliant, agreeing and mouthy old me would shout about what was NOT real.  They seem to want subserviant partners who will not challenge and go along with the illusion that they are the great one.  The only thing is no matter how compliant one becomes once there is another source of supply available they will devalue anyway.  So its a case of loose/loose

When I would try and reason with XN the frustration would get to me and then I realised that I was dealing with a two year old emotionally who thought he was omnipotent and would throw tantrums when he did not get his way.  This is a phase of development that everyone works through to some extent but it seems Ns stay stuck there. 

Relieved to be out of the cycle.  No doubt someone else is being groomed to take my place


axa

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((Sea))))))))))))))

How wonderful taht the therapist saw your exN as the liar he was. Your therapist must know what a good and whole person you are!!! Now RUN and never go back!!!!!!! Thank God he was not believed!

I am so sorry for the hurt and betrayal you must be feeling. It must be terrible. I hope you feel it is better looking back at that mess than living in it.

Lots of love and kind wishes.
Love, Beth

[sea storm]

Thank you dear people for your replies. I experience your wisdom and kindness as a precious gift. They really help.
I was not aware that those events were part of the trial by fire and that was very illuminating. I have read about how terrible separating from N can be but did not associate setting boundaries with N as leaving. However, HE DID.   

I don't hear anything from him now. I am very lucky...... I rehearse what to say if he does contact me. I imagine moving to another country to avoid that happening.
I could barely survive the onslaught of retaliation that happened when I started to stand up for myself. I had a much older brother who used to hit and punch me and call me names. I would not submit or back off with him. It was "I don't care it I do die, I'm gonna see the shit fly" call of the banshee for me. So this part of me clicked in. Maybe it was God in me or the angels too.
My N was so intelligent and he could spin doughnuts around me verbally. I am no slouch verbally but I would be completely bafflegabbed by his rationalizations.
Some day I will see all that happened clearly. I am still amazed that some people really believed me when I tried to tell them what was happening. My Psychiatrist said," Be very very careful with this man. He is extremely calculating"  Having someone believe me was soooooo important. I didn't know how to recognize my own truth anymore.
I hope someone going through what I went through can benefit from what happened to me. There must be something redeeming that can come of all the ......nightmare.

Thank you all again.
Much love,
Sea Storm

[axa]

seastorm

You sounds strong and clear.  It does seem like a part of you which is saying tHIS IS NOT OK is really kicking in........wonderful.  I understand the rationalizations...........they are so crazy that your head starts spinning once they start.  Hold onto yourself and YOUR truth.  Yes, it is a nightmare but you have moved from the abuse.  There is lots of hard work ahead, I KNOW......... but you are not alone and it does get easier.  The more distance the more perspective.

xxx
axa

[reallyME]

CALCULATING!  Yep, that is a very good way to describe narcissistic people.  Most of them, by far, are not dumb or non-intelligent.  They often are wealthy or attached to someone who is.  But, yeah, they are extremely cunning and calculating...They tend to learn all they can about you at first, so they can later use it against you.

When you listen to them bring up against you, the very words you once told them in a trust situation, THAT is when it cuts like a knife!

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Sea Storm))))))))))

My g-d, what this man did to you.

This is the classic abuser playbook. Isolate, discredit, and drain you dry.

So glad you have escaped and so glad you found people who were not fooled and would stand by YOU.

Focus on the ones who see and hear YOU. There will be some who will refuse to. Some of them have simply been fooled completely but quite a few of them are just as calculating as he is, and prefer to take sides with whoever they think is the winner. You know what a loser he really is, though, in every way that matters - spiritually and emotionally and morally, the man is worse than bankrupt.

So glad you are away from him. So glad you are free.

[axa]

 I have read about how terrible separating from N can be but did not associate setting boundaries with N as leaving. 

My experience was so similiar.  Once I set boundaries, started to claim back my own life the abuse grew.  A boundary says I am a seperate person.  It is not ok for you to cross the line.  To the N you are part of him - look at Beans posts on Alice Miller.  They cannot bear the seperatness of others they see us as extentions of themselves and when that extention does not behave in the way it is meant to well cutting it of is a good way to deny its existence.

Axa

[Hopalong]

You sure do,

((((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you've been going through a new bad patch with the FOO.
Do you think it's been the time of year that has raised some of the old struggle again?

Please have faith it's a detour, but not the journey...

hugs,
Hops

[Overcomer]

Sea:  Dont worry, he will find another victim.  He will tell her how horrible you are.  Just go about your business and you and the new woman can have a laugh at his expense in about 10 Years.  I know because it happened to me but boy is it hell going through that crazy making!