CB
This is a big subject in my family right now. We have moved beyond the intense feeling of being out on the battlefield with bullets whizzing by our heads. Things are settling into a day to day rhythm--but now the emotions bubble to the surface. What is bubbling up is that several kids are angry
I am not surprised by this. If they have spent so long walking on eggshells around their father, putting their energy into trying to maintain some sort of pretend family, it has to come out. This sounds healthy to me but difficult for you as you also are recovering from the wounds. My son, as a teenager, used to often get quite angry with me, my T once said "Well he feels safe enough around you to display what he is feeling" It turned it around for me in some way. Are the kids in counselling? I think it is really important that they work through this stuff rather than stuff it down and have it acted out in later life.
They were raised in a kind of bubble where I was there all day and financially able to be a safety net for their ventures. They are all feeling acutely that we are now living closer to the financial edge. They are also living close to the emotional edge as well, because several do not feel that they have the emotional resources to process their brother's psychosis last year, plus the divorce, plus the move, plus the changes in our family dynamics. I am hearing a lot of "we don't have this anymore".
You all have been through so much, my heart goes out to you. Maybe all you can do is reassure them that change is very difficult for everyone. I guess you had some control over the change but they had little, even though I have no doubt that the change from having their father around all the time is a better one, but I wonder if they have a feeling of powerlessness.
Their brother's psychosis must have been so scary for them also. Again, it must have seemed like what was familiar to them was out of control. Oh CB I wish I had answers for you but I know how much you love them and trust that this is what will carry them through.
While I think focusing on the positive is a very good strategy i also think acknowledging their loss is a very important part of their healing. Finding a space for each of them to name their loss and fear may facilitate their coming to grips with the new reality of their lives.
I am hoping that will change. I am trying to be patient with it, although I think my fears that they will get stuck there make it hard to be patient. I have realized as I have recovered for the last year, that one of the biggest things my NH stole from me was my optimism. He always saw the negatives--oh, no! We only have $100,000 left! What will we do?????? I told myself I was never going to get locked into that crazy-making again--so when my kids start sounding like they are going that direction, my defenses go up.
CB you are not superhuman. Of course your defences go up. So what I have learned is that when that happens to me I acknowledge that, maybe you could say just that to them. I think allowing them see your vulnerability is good role modeling for htem. It may also encourage them to be able to express their vulnerability without acting it out with anger.
I realize that some of what is going on is a genuine grief process that needs time to be resolved in a healthy way. You can't pick yourself up and move on until you process what you have lost. But I struggle to hold all of this in balance in my own mind--and it would be nice if I could model that for them as well.
I thnk that is just what is going on .... grieveing, that and also lots and lots of hormones with teenagers. I also feel that it is very very important that you model your own self care around them. Trying to make everything ok, in as much as is possible, for them may not be the way for them to learn. I believe by modeling your own self care they will see you as seperate and worth the care. I really wish my mother had modeled some self care for me because I am only now learning about this.
One night, I was lying on the couch in mortal pain with my feet (honest--the pain was as severe as any childbirth I have gone through!) When it started to ease up a bit, I remarked: at least I dont have blisters. I dont know how in the world I could manage blisters, too. My son looked at me with total disbelief and said: you are one strong woman. I sat there for a bit when he left the room and thought, Am I?
My answer to that CB is YES you are but you are also very vulnerable............ let them see this too. You are many things, allow them the privilege of seeing all of you.
. What if I had lived all my life, married to NH, thinking I was weak and no-account, but really there was a strength there that I never knew? How sad. And it made me truly thankful for this present moment. I hope that doesnt sound fake, and Pollyanna-ish, because it's not.
I know it is is not fake. I try and practise gratitude and I am grateful at this stage of my life to begin to learn how worthwhile I am. So many people never know this, never feel this, never connect with themselves. Well done CB.
. I don't know why I look at thing like this right now. Some of it is age, I think. I've weathered a lot, so I know that this will be weathered too. Some of it is a shift in what is important to me. I am not as interested in the maintaining comfort as I am in growing. So, when I'm not comfortable, I've already made my peace with that as the price for growth. [/b
I think it is like glimsing the light of ourselves, sometimes we loose it, but once we have seen it we cannot deny it. Well, dunno girl, but I think maybe it is possible to be growning AND comfortable!!! Is pollyanna still lurking here with me LOL! I know the discomfort but I also know, and I think of Steve's post, that I have choices. Choices about how I feel, how I behave, how I take myself from the victim place. I am grateful to my age 51 because I think if i was much younger I would be off with another N trying to live the fairy tale. My age focuses me on the fact that time is going to run out and I want me to be happy and comfortable in me, that is my priority Sure I would love to be in a loving relationship but I put all my eggs in that basket many times and they just got broken.
] My kids are younger and they are worried that life is going to turn out badly. The jury's still out for them. So maybe there's just a time factor there.
I am sorry for the kids. When my daughter was dying I feel I neglected my son and he acted out a lot. Withdrew, smoked marijuana, dropped out of college etc. I was so angry with him because I felt I had so much to deal with that I did not need his teenage pranks. I feel he was invisible to me for such a long time during those years but I put all my energy into trying to keep my daughter alive for as long as possible. When he was born I thought I would die I loved him so much. I nursed him until he was 18 months, spent the first three years of his life loving him and was available to him until his sister got very ill which corresponded with his teenage years. Things were rough between me and him for a long time. But he has turned out to be a beautiful young man. Gentle, loving, warm, compassionate. He has lots of friends, works hard and has come around to the idea of going back to college. Everyone I meet who knows him, people his own age, parents etc always say to me how loving he is. It took time. It took time for me to forgive myself for not being available for him and time for him to see that I was doing the best I could. Tears streaming down my face now thinking about my lovely son. Trust CB, love them and trust.
Thank you for writing this post to me. I don't know my response is of any use but I trust that you are a very loving mother and I just wish I had had one like you.
xxxxxxxxxxx
axa
CB
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