Hi R,
Ah. I think I get it. Hmmm. I suppose I could leave it at that, but I really want to be heard this time, okay?
Otherwise, I’m afraid this will either simmer down below or crop up again and again, and I don’t want either of those because I really value you, R.
I know you'll know I meant no harm.
Absolutely. No question in my mind about that. Still need to say this, okay?
Dear Wildflower. If I say there's nothing you could say that could hurt me, does it mean to you that I'm not listening? I'm listening.
Caught red handed. Talk about reading me like a book. But I’ve got to work on that, don’t I? That and worrying all the time about hurting people. So it’s my issue and it’s been duly noted to self. No worries. But thanks so much for posting that.
What I was trying to say to you here was don’t worry about my issues (because you had enough of your own to deal with). I’m on it. Thanks for acknowledging that I probably felt ignored (I did, but I’m okay with it), but that’s my deal (I felt ignored as a child and I’m sensitive to it now but I’m learning not to be). Don’t worry about it (please). Too subtle, hunh?
Okay, add that to my list of issues.
Oh, and that's what I look like when I'm deflecting
.
But I think I see now why you’d want to bring this back up (big open issue left unanswered
).
Actually, though, I think (emphasis on ‘think’) I’ve already conquered the bit about obsessing over whether I hurt people, because I finally understand WHY I felt that way (that’s what all that fuss was about a week ago Friday
). So I doubt I’ll be saying that again – at least, not with those intentions.
Can I tell you a story? My boss has been trying to get me to delegate more work over the past couple of years. It’s been a bit of a learning experience (understatement
), and even something as simple as this has forced me to address why it may be so difficult for me to let others help out (answer: because I couldn’t trust anyone else to be there for me growing up, and when I did, it was a big mistake). But I’ve addressed those fears, and I’ve learned to delegate – and I’ve learned a lot of other things along the way. So here I am, feeling good about myself and about how much effort I’ve put into learning to trust others when my boss comes up and says, "You need to learn to delegate."
The truth is, I have been doing a really good job. He just reacted to the fact that I was still holding on to one area of the project. I was holding onto it because it was my creation - and it was extremely complicated. I was waiting for the other team members to catch up by delegating out other pieces - and they even admitted to being intimidated by this piece. I had every intention of delegating this piece out when it was time, but when my boss said that to me, I forgot all my plans and intentions and I felt like all the hard work I’d done had either gone unnoticed – or I hadn’t done a good job after all. All this effort I’d put in? Nada. No good. Worthless.
I bet most people wouldn’t have reacted the way I did (by immediately doubting myself), but I think that’s a normal reaction for ACONs who have been taught their reality, well, isn’t real.
Just as I (me, R) often hide my meaning by adding a post to/about someone else after I've written something very meaningful about myself!!! (yes, I 'see' me do this, too!! Too clearly sometimes!!!) so it just occurred to me that you hide your 'meaningful content' behind a spoken wish to prioritise 'not hurting'.
I have noticed that you often deflect analysis of your own issues by addressing the issues of others, and that’s okay.
I haven’t said anything before because I figured you either knew and were working on it, or when you were more comfortable with being vulnerable, it would go away on its own. In short, I didn’t see any point in … pointing it out to you.
Besides, I still listened to what you said when the spotlight came back to me because often these moments have been filled with some dead-on observations.
Just as CG's deflections result in some hilarious stories (that cause hiccups, btw
). But this time, R, you kinda hit a big raw nerve, and I felt much the way I did after my boss told me I needed to learn to delegate.
I finally (I think) figured out what it is you do for me not to listen/hear!!
You get me (anyone?) concentrating on whether I feel hurt/damaged instead of concentrating on WHAT YOU SAID! And as my attention flickers over your words, I register that I don't feel hurt and so I respond to THAT question - but in the process of doing that, i'm ignoring all the words of wisdom and support you offer!!! Can you see how that works?? Can you see how to make it different so you DO get heard better??
I couldn’t hear ‘words of wisdom and support you offer’ (but thank you for that). All I could hear was :
“what you do for me not to listen … “
“You get me (anyone?) concentrating on whether I feel hurt/damaged”
“Can you see how that works??”
“Can you see how to make it different so you DO get heard better??”
And all I could think was, gosh, is everyone ignoring me?
I thought it was just a communication thing between me and R, but now I want to go back and read all my posts to find out if I’ve been ignored. Have I been doing this to my parents and that’s why they ignore me? After all this time, it’s really all my fault???
And I thought I had a handle on this “hurting people” thing, but if R’s bringing it up again and asking me whether or not I understand how to change the way I communicate – maybe I still don’t get it???
But I do get it. And while I know I may backslide from time to time, I hope it won’t be much of an issue in the future.
I think I mean you shield your MEANING behind words that protect other people from the HARM of your meaning.
Quite aside from my own issues about worrying how I hurt people, I feel very strongly that I should be careful with people here on this board. They’ve been shoved into boxes and beaten up by the needs of others. I don’t want my needs to be added to their lists, and I don’t want to push anyone any farther into their boxes. Or even into new boxes.
Besides, for those I haven’t had a chance to get to know (and even those I have), I don’t know where they are in their process of healing. I don’t know what their triggers are. I don’t know how long they’ve been working on an issue (and are frustrated by it). I don’t know if what I have to say was something they figured out a million years ago. And I don’t even know if I understand enough to be able to understand them - because I’ve got my very own set of blinders
. So I’m careful. And - I hope - respectful.
So I’m not trying to hide something harmful behind words of comfort. I really, truly, simply want to be supportive in any way I can – whenever I can. Even if that means stepping away sometimes. That’s just who I am (even took a while to recover that bit), and I’m proud of it. I over-tip at restaurants and in cabs for similar reasons (and thankfully, this tipping habit has rubbed off on my friends
– when they’re with me at any rate
). Sometimes I can’t be supportive, though, because I’m struggling with my own stuff or because I need to go back out into the real world and take care of my, er, life
. Which is yet another reason why this board rocks: so many other really supportive people on this board.
So, I’m crossing my fingers (big time) and hoping that you understand that I’m telling you all this so that we can be on the same page. And that being on the same page with you is important to me.
(((hugs)))
Wildflower
