This is going to serve as a farewell post - because I've reached the end of this work on obsession and self-acceptance; the end of the puzzle about smoking; and because I had realized how my board participation is keeping me trapped in the obsession.
It's a farewell post - FOR NO OTHER REASON - than that where I am now and my next step, requires me to leave. I'm sure some people will think otherwise about my reason - hey! go for it! - if you can't take this explanation at face-value, that isn't my problem. And there's simply no need to argue about it anymore.
So, here goes.
In the experience of writing the post in Healthy Community about how I think it's unfair that the "rules" are enforced unequally, I discovered something worth sharing with everyone. Recall - I wasn't requesting a thing from Dr. G; no changes; no protection or stepping in to settle anything. All I did was point out that Ami & Lise were abusing others here and that nothing was done to stop this, which I thought was unfair. Well, it is....
if we're expecting Dr G to take sides, play Solomon, and if he has stated that he will intervene when things get "out of hand". I don't think he has stated this explicitly; Sela is right that,
"if requested", means we need to ask for what we want. I made no such request, though in retrospect maybe I should have. (But if I had, I wouldn't be writing this, probably... next time.)
Which is exactly my point about obsession & self-acceptance & why it's time for me to leave. It was really easy to fall into an old pattern of hoping someone would come along & rescue me, you know? Anyone with eyes could see... after all. Everyone was in agony. Which was why it was really difficult for me to create that post - and it left me emotionally drained.
I was expecting a hero to come along - and out of the goodness of his heart - validate me and my opinion. Without me asking... well, DUH!
I made that post for myself - to stop hiding behind fear, powerlessness, and silence. That equals a level of new self-acceptance for me. And through reflection on this whole experience, I can see a complimentary realization about validation that breaks my obsession - completely - once and for all. But I need to take one more step from here.
I joined the board last year; June 29th to be exact... and my self-stated reason was to belong somewhere where I could find the
reassurance I felt I needed to complete the task I accepted, when my T and I decided to end therapy... to finish healing on my own. Let's substitute the word
validation for reassurance, okay? No doubt; I have found plenty & more of warm fuzzies freely given here - validation from many of you: including Ami & Lise, at different times. Ami & I started out being buddies; warmest of friends.
The opposite of validation is what? Well, you know - it's invalidation.
As I grew comfortable here, and my friendship with Ami hit the rocks in the Janet conflict... and I realized there were plenty of other warm, friendly, wise people here... my desire to hang out here grew into having to check in to see how everyone was, before starting my work day... and it became even more obsessive as I tried to help others here, too. Share what I've learned so far. Even so far as essentially walk around the threads with a target on my back to take the slings & arrows being dished out... my old image of being tough; having endured much, much worse...
... my old self who accepted invalidation as the only the validation I received. Losing my SELF - sacrificing my SELF - for my mom & brother, so that we would survive. The comfort that kills...
... and then it finally got through my crazy, frenetic, can't see the forest for the trees head... the same thing that Leah posted:
What would cause any person to participate on a board where it is pretty certain that their dignity will be disgraced and dishonored and their character debased?
Well, validation for one thing. That almost physical, itchy, restless urge that you "need" something... that feeling of emptiness... of having missed out on something you have a god-given right to........ validation, unconditional love... it goes by many names: mom, for one. And for me, mom = validation only through invalidation of my SELF, my identity as a separate being, with my own thoughts, feelings, etc. And my obsession with finally getting some acknowledgement from her that I am NOT her.
(hmmmm.... that makes Ami's suggestion that I'm seeing my mom in her correct & prescient, doesn't it??? I don't think she quite meant it this way... but I have learned to look for lessons EVERYWHERE...Thanks, Ami)
What I realized, finally, is that the biggest thing we were all denied as children, is the truth that
we can validate ourselves; it comes from US - not from other people - not mom, hubby, boss.... not from ANYONE ELSE.And that as long I wished to be rescued, validated... for being kicked around... as long as I kept silent about not liking it.... as long as I kept expecting for someone other than my SELF to care about my SELF.... I would continue to be obsessed; continue to find validation in invalidation (yeah - I know really well how perverse that is); and wasn't accepting my SELF. I've NEEDED the invalidating validation I've gotten from Lise & Ami; it was what I am used to, after all. My comfort zone.
Validation from others simply isn't what I've been craving; what I need. What I really want is self-validation. The wholeness of my own, complete separate ego identity again...Self-acceptance is the means to that end. AND I NEED NOTHING FROM MY MOM TO HAVE THAT, if I simply validate my self.... accept my SELF.
Self-acceptance was the Healthy Community post yesterday & it's follow up.
Self-acceptance IS validating myself, and
ceasing to look anywhere else for it - my friends here, my friends in 3-D, my hubby. Self acceptance is saying invalidation, petty meanness, and outrageous accusations are ALL UNFAIR. Self-Acceptance and self-validation means only looking to myself, for someone to "do something about it". But, it's Dr G's board and he gets to make the rules. The way the rules are got me to this realization - I understand now. It sure seemed like the rules were unfair Wednesday... but I speak out about unfairness all the time and never have I experienced the emotional intensity (and I'm plenty intense) of the complete change in awareness - self-awareness - that has come out of speaking out about it, this time. This time, I broke through the obsession of wanting someone ELSE to do something about it.
I'm guessing a whole bunch of stars lined up together or something... to push me into this new state of being.
So, while I have this treasured realization fresh in my brain - I have to stay away from here. The lure of warm fuzzies makes me blind to the dangers of falling into my old patterns of depending on others for what I need to do for myself. And it's a gift - thank you - that Dr G DIDN'T intervene... because I'd never have come to this particular viewpoint; understanding; self-awareness.
Could be self-deception - if so, it works for me!
I'm keeping my account because I do need distractions at work; but I'm going to practice self-restraint for a while and try out this new self in 3-D. Lots to catch up on around here.
If you want to reach me - PM me.
I'm gonna go see if Mud has room for me, creekside.
