My journey out

[Ami]

Dear GS
 I think it is an opportunity to not care what Angela or other people with their own problems think. That is our freedom,although it IS very hard.
 When you are vuilnerable, it is harder. For every sick person out there, they have a sick opinion. That is where I would put Angela.   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

You are right Ami.  I seem to have managed it before.  I cannot understand why I am caught up on it today.  I do understand that this person is my button pusher but why does it get me today?

[Gaining Strength]

Whew - she is just someone on a forum who offered to help me a few weeks ago and when I say yes she said her fee was $100/hour and that it would take 4 hours.  When I said no thank you she said I had a scarcity mentality.  So this latest stuff came when I wrote about asking my father for a loan. I wrote the post to generate encouragement.  I got some encouragement but I got this one person who is on the attack putting me down and calling me names and the names were the triggers - not worthy, not deserving, etc - the shame buttons.  She was pushing those shame buttons but all the while completely ignoring the fact that I got what I was trying to get - that I made my goal.  That is a double play - so much like my experience - stay focused on why I don't deserve help and completely ignore the achievement I made to continue to focus on why I am undeserving.

Boy does that hurt - it hurts because it is a repeat of what I always got - in a forum that is focused on help.  So I ask for help and get a heaping of why I don't deserve it. That is exactly what I experienced over and over and over as a child, a teen and a young adult.  That is why I am spinning in frustration and anger.  It is LG who has been stoked in rage.  Maybe I can help her.  Maybe I can do for her what I am asking you all to do for me.  Wow - it is so miserable!

[sKePTiKal]

It gets better, GS...

time, repetition... lots & lots of chances to "practice"... I'm STILL practicing! 

So go easy on yourself... you don't have to always know why someone pushes your buttons, as long as you know they've been pushed you can help LG dust herself off and go on. Why today? Stress makes everyone more touchy... more vulnerable. So, since I'm not there to make you a cold sweet tea... take a few minutes just to relax... nothing to do right now except enjoy RELIEF and REST a bit. After your brain's a little refreshed...when you've had time for YOU and LG...

then it's time to look FORWARD again... Angela's "loopy" post isn't worth getting stuck in; not when you still need to keep pushing on. You be sure to remind me of that, when I need it, OK?

[Gaining Strength]

I thought I had posted this but I can't find it.  I apologize if it is a duplicate.

This lengthy excerpt came from the book PR mentioned in her thread.  It is by Claudia Black and it really helps me. I identify with all the parts that I am posting here.

Emotional isolation is also a common experience for children in troubled families.  Isolation is particularly damaging because we need a connection with others to create meaning in life.  Yet we live life as if in a bubble, shouting, “Hello out there – I’m alive in here! Does anybody hear me?”  But no one answers.

As adults we have come to be socially isolated….

Underneath layers of shame you will find that abandonment is at the foundation.  Abandonment, as described earlier, may be emotional or physical.  But abandonment is most often experienced through various forms of rejection, rejection that has been colored by parental words and actions, some subtle, some not so subtle.  It is useful to visualize a continuum, with acceptance at one end, rejection at the other end, and many shades of emotional unavailability or parental indifference to your needs and wants somewhere between.

If parents reject us in any way, we know in our hearts we must not be worthy.

Chronic loss resulting from a mix of rigidity, denial, isolation, and shame – deserves the opportunity to heal.

You were never bad or unworthy, and you are not today.  It is my hope that, in time, you will be able to say and to believe in your heart, “I am good.  I am adequate. I am worthy.”  …. Each insight into your pat and its connection to your present is like turning on the light in a dark room.  It doesn’t change what is there, but now that you can see where you are going, you can go in and out freely without harm.  Fear no longer drives you – freedom moves you.

When children are raised with chronic loss, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment.  And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates shame.  Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: “You are not important.  You are not of value.” Unresolved pain of the past and pain in the present created by past-driven behaviors fuel our fear of abandonment and shame.  This is the pain from which we need to heal.

Abandonment is experienced by parental indifference to a child’s needs and wants, or the parents (or other primary caregivers) are emotionally unavailable on an ongoing basis.  They do not offer the support and nurturance a child needs.

Abandonment occurs when it is not proper in your family to make a mistake, it is not okay in your family to show feelings, it is not ok in your family to have needs and everyone else’s needs appear to be more important than yours and the only way you even get attention is by attending to the needs of others, and it is not ok to have successes. Accomplishments are not acknowledged, are many times discounted, or even used as ammunition to shame a child.

Other acts of abandonment are when children are held responsible for other people’s behavior.  They may be consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of their parents.

Chronic Victimization is the result of when we accept and operate on the shameful messages that we internalized as a result of the abandonment.  It is a combination of not believing in our own worth and not developing the skills that go with a belief in our worthiness. Setting limits is one such skill.  When we have internalized beliefs, such as “I am not worthy,” “I am not of value,” “Other people are more important than me,” or “Other people are more worthy,” this it is difficult to set limits.

Not believing in their own worth, victims often fail to realize they even have needs and, as a result, do not take care of themselves.  The development of the victim response is the result of the belief in personal powerlessness, it is clearly a response to the intense emotional pain in one’s life.  It is not only  an outcome of helplessness, it is also a kind of defense in that victims believe they may not have as much pain if they give in and relinquish their autonomy to someone else.

Rage as Response to Pain
Rage is the holding tank for accumulated fears, angers, humiliations, and shame.  It is for many a response of no longer wanted to endure the pain.  Emotionally, rage is an attempt to be heard, seen, and valued when people are most desperate and lacking in other resources.

Most adults from troubled families experience a combination of both unresolved loss and a pessimistic view of life.  When we feel our powerlessness, our despair, and our fear, we send ourselves into a downhill spiral so quickly anybody’s head would be spinning.

Rational or Cognitive Responses to Pain
Perfectionism
A common rational or cognitive response to pain is perfectionism.  Perfectionism is driven by the belief that if a person’s behavior is per4fect there will be no reason to be criticized and therefore no more cause for pain.  However, perfectionism is a shame-based phenomenon because children


Understanding Your Defenses Against Pain
Rage, depression, victimization, addictions, compulsions, perfectionism, and procrastination – these are some of the responses to having lived with fear and pain.  Such responses often become protectors.  They offer ways to control the pain itself and/or control the source of the pain.  Other protectors begin as common, everyday acts, but taken to extremes create negative outcomes in the long run. 

To let go of our pain, we must also acknowledge what we have been doing in the present to control our pain.  Facing our own painful reality, both past and present, empowers us by giving us choice.

The pain we feel is not only from the past, but also from the past-driven present.
We were powerless in the past, but we are not powerless in the present.
Our pain is our responsibility.
What we do about our pain is a choice we make.

It is such a relief to read someone who completely gets so many of the results of abandonment.  This helps me so much to again connect my reactions today with the pain from the past.  What am I doing today to control the pain of the past? 

[sKePTiKal]

Chronic Victimization is the result of when we accept and operate on the shameful messages that we internalized as a result of the abandonment.  It is a combination of not believing in our own worth and not developing the skills that go with a belief in our worthiness. Setting limits is one such skill.  When we have internalized beliefs, such as “I am not worthy,” “I am not of value,” “Other people are more important than me,” or “Other people are more worthy,” this it is difficult to set limits.

Boy... is this a good description of what I struggle with! I bolded a couple things....

ACCEPT: the way I "accept" the old, past victimization is through paying heed to the self-abusive statements in my head - at least most of the time. There are other ways, too. Like not asking for what I want, or not setting a boundary, and definitely not giving my self, what I know I need. Gotta always talk back to those messages...

BELIEVING IN OUR OWN WORTH: well... let's see... if it's important that other people have _______________; then WHY NOT ME? Regardless of race, gender, religion or PAST HISTORY... we all have basic human needs and rights. It's not a perfect world, so not everyone has the same things... but we are ALL free to seek to achieve them; pursuit of happiness and all that.

DEVELOPING THE SKILLS: well, this will be a long process; something I know I will be revisiting more than once and it's what I'm working on now... I'm really good at creating boundaries that continue to isolate myself - but inexperienced (tho I'm trying) at creating the kind of flexible boundaries that allow me to connect with others. This is just as delicate a process as if I were a first-grader again (I didn't go to kindergarten) and learning how to interact - play nice - with others. Lots of dusting myself off, learning that it's OK if not everyone likes me... and learning that I betray myself by chameleon-like changing myself to please others for the sake of that "connection".

And LIMITS... well, I've just this week homed in on the fact that I have absolutely no internal boundaries for behavior. Sure I have all the societal, religious, and even personal "shoulds" and "should nots" firmly planted in my brain (maybe too firmly!). But the type of boundaries I'm talking about are limits... and yes, these are connected to feeling that I'm important enough to have limits imposed...

Steven Farmer talks about what "good fathers" provide for their children:
   steadiness (consistency?), protectivenss, caring and encouragement
   guides, directs, sets limits, encourages and sometimes offers tough, nonabusive love

And through my attachment thread... I discovered a fact that I'd overlooked in all this work, on my relationship with my mom... all told, I have about 20 distinct memories of interacting with my dad before the divorce; THAT'S ALL. The rest of the time, he simply wasn't there in my life. And my T said it - but I misinterpreted her meaning - "you're not scared of him". Well, DUH, Amber! Of course not - he wasn't involved in PARENTING and wasn't setting "limits". My mother simply wouldn't let him; she did everything possible to keep him away from my brother and me. Even as adults, we had to sneak around to go visit my dad - so Mom didn't get mad. JEEEEEZZZ!!!!!

It was always my mom - creating limits and blaming the restriction on my dad - then turning around giving me permission to do "what Daddy would never let you do" - which activity, of course, was completely inappropriate for my age. Not only was that confusing (part of the gaslighting campaign). But I now see that it was all because she was JEALOUS - and not of my dad; she was jealous of ME. Because even as dysfunctional as my dad was, he let me be me - stood up for me to mymother - and I worshipped him. In my eyes, he could do no wrong... and so I accepted the day-to-day and eventually permanent, abandonment by him... and helplessness, worthlessness that went along with abandonment.

Guess I was unwittingly involved in what's now called "alienation of affection" in children of divorce.

But I'll take the rest of this over to my thread. Just tossing this much out for discussion... comparison... connection -

you weren't the only one, GS. Definitely NOT ALONE in these kinds of experiences.

[Gaining Strength]

It was always my mom - creating limits and blaming the restriction on my dad - then turning around giving me permission to do "what Daddy would never let you do" - which activity, of course, was completely inappropriate for my age. Not only was that confusing (part of the gaslighting campaign). But I now see that it was all because she was JEALOUS - and not of my dad; she was jealous of ME. Because even as dysfunctional as my dad was, he let me be me - stood up for me to mymother - and I worshipped him. In my eyes, he could do no wrong... and so I accepted the day-to-day and eventually permanent, abandonment by him... and helplessness, worthlessness that went along with abandonment.

Wow.  That is a huge insight.  So important that these memories and experiences spill out into the light to be disempowered.  Their power over us must be removed.  Feel free to put what comes to you here.  It relieves me of the feeling of being far too solipsistic.

Claudia Black writes with remarkable insight.  Her words are unlocking a number of bound doors for me.

I am on my way out of town for about 10 days.  Preparation for such a trip bounds me into a low grade panic and self-condemnation.  Not sure of the origins but I have moved into  a different place.  I am able to recgonize my reaction to the repressed fear/self-condemnation.  And through that I can address all of that stuff.  This is all so vague and I think I will let it rest.  But I am making progress.

[Hopalong]

GS...
I hope it's a GOOD trip.

Hope it's a change of scene for good reasons, fun, enjoying being alive and doing something new...

Travel safe!

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I second Hops' wishes - have a good, pleasant and safe trip. All will fine. I too, get pretty wound up when getting ready to travel... but I'm beginning to see that some of that feeling is simple excitement!  I think I've just been programmed to see it as worry & anxiety... so much to think about packing... etc.

Letting things rest for a bit is a good idea, too. It all might look quite different when you return.

[Hopalong]

I think this is outrageous:

her fee was $100/hour and that it would take 4 hours.  When I said no thank you she said I had a scarcity mentality

I would not engage with this person. It seems to me it is unethical for her to engage with you if she is offering "professional" services which you have refused.

However, perhaps you also should not be inviting her commentary (or responding to it)?

Don't understand the context of your other forum though so forgive me if I speak out of turn.

love
Hops