Well... funny you mention physical wounds vs emotional ones, GS. I just had an idea. Been working with creating some meaning for myself in the concept: Repair of the Self... and realized that the last couple of years have been an "emotional convalescence" for me.
It's possible to have that convalescence in the midst of ordinary life. But I so craved the open-ended, unstructured time without other obligations to dive right into taking that convalescence to the next step: rehab. You also have that opportunity for a few weeks, to devote yourself to your own emotional convalescence. Think of it as spiritual retreat!
You'll gain from it what you are able to gain from it, at the moment... and the effects may surface later in positive, unexpected ways.
LG DOES need massive amounts of plain old support, comforting, and understanding - the building blocks of validation - if she's anything like Twiggy was. I sort of summed it all up under the heading of needing reassurance; for so many things... that I wasn't crazy, wasn't unreasonable, and that my anger was natural (among other things). And yes, the process of you being there for her means revisiting those original emotions - yet again. But this time is different. It truly DOES help to ask for - and see how easy it is to receive - that validation from others for LG, too.
You're no longer in the discovery phase; you know the emotions now. You know how the emotions came to be. Now, you're in the process of relating to LG... creating a working relationship for convalesence. You need to trust each other and you need to establish who's doing the parenting in this new relationship. As with all parent-child relationships, sometimes we have to ask things of the child that they don't want to do. This was a delicate stage for me/Twiggy. I had to be very, very patient. I had to explain the "why" behind what I was asking of her - over & over & over. I had to assure her that I still cared about her very much, even when we disagreed. It's the process of establishing trust, I guess - trusting myself.
But the fact is, I couldn't let Twiggy make decisions for me. Not until both she and our relationship "matured" over time. We've had to compromise... I've had to back off being impatient with her on the truly difficult bits... I've had to indulge her in simple wants - and the more complex, over-arching one that she asked for so long ago: to be like she was "before". I've had to act for Twiggy like the parent I needed, but didn't have: creating healthy habits, setting boundaries on behavior, asking her to comply with decisions I've made that are in her best interest... even when she tells me vigorously: "I don't want to". And I make SURE that I reward her for her cooperation and progress in healing. These are usually little things; it really doesn't take much to make me happy.
All that came later, though. I spent some months simply holding and rocking Twiggy. Telling her over and over, that yes, I understood and it would all be OK; it would all be all right. And like a child... she quieted down long enough for me to "think" more than I "felt" about the whole situation: I was able to process all of T's emotions as the adult me. And then I went back to work with T, encouraging her and helping her to process them, too. That is one of the ways T was able to "grow up" some. Other things were letting her pursue some of the things she gave up in order to survive. And those weren't necessarily emotional things - some were quite specific and concrete. (I am STILL looking for "ruby red slippers" in my size for her; but she's given up wanting a pony and moved on to other things.)
It is time for me to allow their hurt to come to the surface and to be loved and cared for, EVEN IF they have an infantile or juvenile tantrum.
I'd say ESPECIALLY if there's a tantrum. There is usually a reason for it - and it's not always what appears on the surface, or what the first impression is. In any case: if we care about a child, we care about the child regardless of their emotions and allow them to express those emotions (with some modifications necessary, sometimes). We teach them ways to prevent the situation that made them angry (processing) and how to do things differently (than they are now) after they are angry. We teach them to apologize when they are wrong... and to expect that apology, when they've been wronged - and what to do when the apology isn't there; isn't seen to be important. In other words: how to be angry without following all the rutted pathways of the old "loop".
It was so important for Twiggy to know that I wasn't going to punish her - by making her feel "bad" (blame/shame) - when she got angry. Together, we worked through those situations - usually a present moment that triggered an original wound - and then we looked at scale, perspective, relative importance of the present moment (compared to original ouchy) and tried to find alternatives to simply giving up... and then being angry out of all proportion to the situation. Working on this gave Twiggy agency: the ability to DO something FINALLY... and help me help her, fix herself.
