This past year I was laid off my job of 4 years, but not because of a slow down in the investment banking business that I was in but rather because there was cheating by my bosses, padding their expense accounts in large amounts, I refused to be a part of it; they, in turn, slowly orchestrated my lay off with the excuse of "company restructuring." I cared about my bosses and liked my job - it was a loss, it was sad, but I was OK with it just being life on life's terms.
There was severance pay but that eventually ran out. I was told that I could receive unemployment benefits along with the severance pay, so I filed a claim and was approved for money....BUT, then, unemployment fouled up , they neglected to follow through in sending me money, someone made a mistake and my claim was overlooked. For over two months I have consistently not been able to receive money from them. I submit resumes, weekly, getting a few interviews but not getting the job.
In the last month I received no money from EDD , zero checks. I have had to take distributions from my retirement account (I'm only 41) to stay on top of paying bills and just to cover basic needs. I've called them, there is absolutely no way to get through their message system, they hang up on you with a message that they are too busy with calls to handle your call. I send emails with their delayed response telling me that I need to wait until the end of August to receive a call from them to determine eligibility, again, for benefits even though I already received a call from them, way back when I first filed, I have already been awarded benefits. I have sent letters, no response... and then finally a response that gave me hope but then they once again someone neglected to follow through in sending the payments to me and my hope was smashed to receive money. It is triggering wounds....
As I write this out I can see that I am not REALLY bothered by the lack of money although it does help to feel financially secure when you are deep in FOO pain, but it is mostly the being denied benefits that is triggering my baby wounds of Neglect.
Ami/Helen wrote on another thread that the pain of neglect is such a hard wound to see and take responsibility for because it is so invisible, especially if the emotional neglect was the first and most of the reality that you experienced as a child, how could you know or comprehend another reality?
After having expressed my pain here on the board I received an internal message, MN introjection, that my pain was too much, that I should lighten up and stop talking about it, writing it out and deeply owning that deep hurt of what it was like to be neglected as a baby and child, not just for a day but for years and years, day in and day out. The message that I tell myself is that I already wrote about the pain once or twice here so I should just shut up and forgive in order to not suffer the pain, but forgiveness is a process, not an idea that you apply in one moment of reflecting or understanding. The heart moves slower than the mind. I'm afraid that I will bother people with the "recycle." But, that is exactly how I felt as a child, afraid that I would bother my mom with the recycle of my needs, I needed once and that was enough, I cried once, and, for the N that is more and enough.
I can hear my mom saying "enough!"
So I am still in the deep wound/memories of child neglect but I am afraid to write about it and just take good care of myself around the wounds because I feel ashamed for having old baby rage and old baby needs...I feel ashamed for being in pain, I am afraid, just like when I was a baby, that my pain is TOO MUCH for you, too much for life. That is exactly how I felt as a child, that my VOICE of expression of need, was TOO much for my mom. So I shut it all down out of fear, and now, I have repressed anger that needs a channel, but I feel too ashamed to be in anger, so then the anger gets acted out in self-abuse.
Bleh....writing this out is helping me see and take ownership for my pain, which was not my fault, but I still hang, or cling, to the belief that the pain was my fault; since I was just a baby and my needs and pain was how I identified myself. I feel like one big blob of self blame who punishes herself for being "bad...............because I need too much."
Lise
