Blackie/Whitie

[Meh]

Today, Whitie feels she dropped a load of some kind.........
.... It has something to do with SEEING her M and F.  She didn't die. No one died  that she knows of......

.... I wanted to be a good M more than anything in this whole world and I was making cookies while the house was burning down. Was that what my M did?........

... My F let me be abused over and over by my M. I think he liked that *I* got it and not him. I cried myself to sleep last night because I SAW that....

That was a hard one. That was the one that made me the sickest.

Sending Hugs

[Ami]

 Whitie feels many pounds lighter. She appreciates a place to talk and feel. Feeling is so much better than anything. She loves to feel with her little kid, inside.
 It makes you sick to shut your kid up, locked in a closet, bad, bad.
 I see my little Ami. She wasn't BAD. She was a kid : whiny, self centered, joyful, bothersome, happy, fun,loving, afraid, dependent,creative, curious, lazy, trying hard,not trying hard,sick, well. I don't think BAD is in there, not really.

[Meh]

Whitie feels many pounds lighter. She appreciates a place to talk and feel. Feeling is so much better than anything. She loves to feel with her little kid, inside.
 It makes you sick to shut your kid up, locked in a closet, bad, bad.
 I see my little Ami. She wasn't BAD. She was a kid : whiny, self centered, joyful, bothersome, happy, fun,loving, afraid, dependent,creative, curious, lazy, trying hard,not trying hard,sick, well. I don't think BAD is in there, not really.

Upon reading this I think I feel my heart warming a bit and I tear up a bit.

Congratulations. 

[Ami]

Whitie feels many pounds lighter. She appreciates a place to talk and feel. Feeling is so much better than anything. She loves to feel with her little kid, inside.
 It makes you sick to shut your kid up, locked in a closet, bad, bad.
 I see my little Ami. She wasn't BAD. She was a kid : whiny, self centered, joyful, bothersome, happy, fun,loving, afraid, dependent,creative, curious, lazy, trying hard,not trying hard,sick, well. I don't think BAD is in there, not really.

Upon reading this I think I feel my heart warming a bit and I tear up a bit.

Congratulations. 

It is happening for you, too, Helen .                                                          Ami

[Ami]

Whitie is hurting, today. Last night,she had a stomach ache : all night tossing and turning.
Whitie is afraid, very afraid.
 She is not enough of an adult. She lost her adult self at 14 and became her M's clone--Mother junior. She studied what her M studied,psychology, yeah there IS a joke in that. Don't start  .
 She did the same hobbies as Mother, handwriting analysis.
 She tried to be a liberal, new age type woman like Mother even though she was not.She wore her hair the way her Mother said, short, even though Whitie likes long hair.
 She was a clone so  Mother would love her but it never worked, was never enough.
 Now, she is a half child, half adolescent, non person who just wants to be liked ; can't we all just get along?  
 Whitie is frozen in time with Mother, the smirker of smirks next to her.
 

[Ami]

You can't run away from FOO patterns or they bite you in the ass .Whitie is hurting today but talked to her friend who seems to have some kind of healing powers . I think it is SEEING. When s/one sees you and accepts you with all your icky warts, you  accept yourself.
 SEEING is powerful  like  magic mushrooms .
 He said everyone has ALL of the emotions but Whitie beats herself for them  just like dear old Smirker did.
Smirker hung over Whitie like the f##ing sword of Damacles looking for an unacceptable emotion and then lowered the boom, BANG.
 NM's lie in wait  to jump, like prey.It is just how it is,the lying in wait thing. I hate it.
 It is what it is ---what can I say ?


 If you know all your bad traits, no one can hurt you WITH them, cuz you can just say "Yeah, I know I have that." End of discussion. It always comes around to you  and no one else, for better or worse.

My Aunt told me she wants nothing to do with my M. My M asked her if they could be friends and my Aunt said no. Why couldn't I have had this affirmation at 14? I just needed one person to verify my reality.
 

It is all Ego,  all this mess. If you knew you were OK, loved, accepted,important,you wouldn't have to PROVE it to yourself and  the world and that would end most interpersonal  messes .
 *I* have to keep making sure I am OK, over and over . I wish I could have the verdict,"You are OK" and be done with it. How would that feel?
How would it feel to have the fight over and the verdict unassailable--You are OK. You are loved. You are human but  have a spark of the Divine . It is  gonna be OK. No one can ever hurt the real you even if they hurt or kill the outside. It is all done and all right---- the Gospel.

A greater force than Whitie feels she is all right and so who is she to argue? She is gonna take a bath with Fizzie Balls and a bottle of Guiness Extra Stout  

 


 
 
 
 

[seasons]

You can't run away from FOO patterns or they bite you in the ass .Whitie is hurting today but talked to her friend who seems to have some kind of healing powers . I think it is SEEING. When s/one sees you and accepts you with all your icky warts, you  accept yourself.[/quote]

Ami,
Bingo!!
I shared  yesterday with one of my two favorite people. I was filled with such joy, and excitement. Like a little girl in a candy store, all this for me!

They know me, warts and all. Still I am loved, respected and seen. No pressure, NO SMIRKS (oh I know those so well..ouch), no upping, or downing, no games.
It feels real, no crazy making at all.
I have to pinch myself, take in all the possibilities. Having relationships that don't hurt, on purpose, with spite and contempt. I felt ALIVE to put it honestly.

Ami,
        This thread is so special. I'm softly leaving with respect and awe of you.
         No judgement, only love with sincere understanding of the depths you are going through.       ((love and warmth, seasons))

[Ami]

You can't run away from FOO patterns or they bite you in the ass .Whitie is hurting today but talked to her friend who seems to have some kind of healing powers . I think it is SEEING. When s/one sees you and accepts you with all your icky warts, you  accept yourself.[/quote]

Ami,
Bingo!!
I shared  yesterday with one of my two favorite people. I was filled with such joy, and excitement. Like a little girl in a candy store, all this for me!

They know me, warts and all. Still I am loved, respected and seen. No pressure, NO SMIRKS (oh I know those so well..ouch), no upping, or downing, no games.
It feels real, no crazy making at all.
I have to pinch myself, take in all the possibilities. Having relationships that don't hurt, on purpose, with spite and contempt. I felt ALIVE to put it honestly.

Ami,
        This thread is so special. I'm softly leaving with respect and awe of you.
         No judgement, only love with sincere understanding of the depths you are going through.       ((love and warmth, seasons))

   Dear Seasons,
 I am so glad you experienced SEEING, with your friends. It is so special  when you spent your life as an object for one N or another.You have the kindest , most gentle spirit, Seasons.Thank you so much for your comments.          Love you!             Ami

[Ami]

                           The Dentist

  The dental chair sits over the abyss and once the dentist sees how BAD Whitie is,she will fall in.
  Her BAD oozes out and everyone says,"Ick" ,while they are  running away.
 Whitie  then becomes molecules , dissipating in to the ether.
 

[Ami]

Whitie's H really humilated her in front of her guitar teacher. Whitie is kind of numb and what the hell?
Whitie is kind of giving up stuff to God cuz life is flowing through her fingers like water. She can't control anything.
If people think you are stupid, BAD, whatever, what can you do?I think Whitie is ready to surrender.
Whitie has wanted to look good her whole life,good, good, good. She wants to just "be", whatever that is.

[Meh]

Ami, I'm sorry to hear today was not a very good day. 

[Ami]

Ami, I'm sorry to hear today was not a very good day.  

Thank you, ((Helen))) but as long as I feel my inner child ,I am happier than I have been in a long time . Feeling real when you have been numb ROCKS   . Your writing inspired me to get in touch with the deeper me.Thank you, Helen .                   xxxxoooo      Ami

[Ami]

Whitie is SEEING her mother but can't SEE her husband. She gets inklings.
 What good will it do her to get out if she is still hates herself ? She is a prisoner of  her own head.She is the jailer and the jailed
  She CAN'T SEE her husband.  There is a wall.What is she gonna do?
The problem is Whitie can't SEE what is REAL. I know someone  must get this. Whitie has to ask someone,"Is this something I should be mad  about ?"
 She doesn't know from inside like her Aunt and guitar teacher. They don't HAVE to ask.
 Someone else has to say "Whitie you SHOULD feel angry" Then Whitie feels angry.
 There must be a name for this.
Her Aunt and guitar teacher FEEL and ACT from that feeling.
 Whitie  wants to feel what is real, for herself. Does anyone get that?

[Ami]

Whitie can't FEEL life. That is the problem. OK, we are coming to something.
Whitie can feel SOME things. She can keep her body safe, not be a trashy whore but her mind had to go to her mother for fuel so her mother wouldn't die or go crazy.
 White threw herself on the funeral pyre ,alive.
She  had no right to herself.White could only be a good girl and  give away the rest.  
This must be what shrinks want you to get , after you  go for a hundred years
This is why Whitie can't get out of the marriage. She is not REAL enough.

If someone understands, please raise your hand?
 

[Ami]

 Pinocchio wanted to be a real boy.
I bet it meant more than Pinocchio didn't want to be wood.
  Whitie wants to  do Primal therapy  They  break you down in to  little non screwed up pieces, you scream and yell, and  come out new.