Another layer of the onion

[sKePTiKal]

and PS:

I like the YOU that you share here! That's the real reason I keep bugging you to find out how you're doing... and keep pushing, too. You already ARE the person you're about to realize you've become - in SPITE of what was thrown in your way to make it difficult. And I care about that YOU.

[Gaining Strength]

PR - what a kind word. 
I take it in and am nourished by it.
Thank you.
I am still gaining strength.

[Gaining Strength]

Getting in touch with deeply repressed stuff.
Anticipatory anxiety has had a powerful hold on me for many years - fearing, anticipating the rath and condemnation and humiliation.
The anticipation is the greatest anxiety producer.
I have carried this with me my entire life.
Working to release it now.
Lifelong have tried to repress it - the pain of that fear is indescibable. 

The fear and anticipation of rejection is twisted around the fibers of the humiliation and constant expectation of of criticism - all twisted up together.

Using EFT and concept of neuroplasticity.

Thankful for a place to share this.

[Gaining Strength]

A little progress - staying iin the pain, acknowledging it rather than suppressing it.  Tapping on it, identifying it as belonging to my childhood rather than to today, knowing that I am getting through this paiin rather than living in it.  I'm on my way through.  At times I focus on my heart and feeling the presence of love growing within.  This helps as well.


I am finding myself at moments right smack dab in the middle of thee raw feelings as though I have suddenly slipped back in time. 
It is horrendous.  Just today, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin.  I wanted to jump up and run but it was more like a dog trying to outrun his fleas.
I belive that being back in the middle of this stuff, allowing it to be real is important. 

The psychological troika is rejection ; not good enough; harsh criticism, or condemnation.
So clear to me at long last that I take these wounds out into the world and get pummelled by them day after day after day.  That much I know I can stop.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks CB.
Working it all out is so important. 
This stuff is so old and uninteresting.
Long before I found this place I had watched enough "friends" not able to hear anymore. 
I certainly understand.
I'm so thankful to have a place to dump and dump and dump this wretched pain and get to the hidden stuff and make progress.

Last night I had a series of dream - very viviid and very different quality from what I am used to.
I do believe it marks some sort of shift in my psyche.

In one I am on a river skiing with a paddle in my hand much like snow skiing.  I pass some others on the river.  It is fun and wonderfully free.

In another I have discovered a couple of houses built in odd places and meet the owners and go outside.  They have a tiger and I am trying to hold my cat to protect him.  By the river where much rainwater drains there are some interesting treasure troves like old coins and knickknacks.  We have a conversation about landscaping.  Suddenly I remember that I was supposed to meet a cousin in the nearby village.  I get up and excuse myself.

In a previous scene, I am driving down a street (an actualy one) and pass my godmother's house.  I have a question for her and so I turn into a driveway to back up and turn around.  Every step is so vivid including the cars that pass while I am turning around.

The first dream includes my father.  He is an important person and surrounded by aides.  It is early in the morning and he has an important meeting.  He and his aides are waling through the public building, their shoes clomping on the marble floor and down the marble stairs.  I long to go with him but know he will scoff at me so I run down the stairs and out the door with a plan to claim I am going elsewhere should he chastise me.

[Gaining Strength]

I know that what I am going through is part of the healing process.
I have done this before.
It always comes out further down the healing road.
But it is very painful.
I am finding myself planted right back smack in the middle of the original pain.
I know I am working through this but it is very miserable on the way.
I have to write about it here there is noone else anywhere who has any idea what I am talking about.

[Gaining Strength]

I have so much more to write today.
I need to write about how this anxiety feels and how it manifests and how it hampers life.

It feels as though I am pricked with thousands of needle like electrodes that send unpleasant electic pulses through me whie at the same time being asked to do things.  It is too much - overload - irritation turns to explosion and subsequent shut down.
The physical sensation is simply too much, it overrdes all else.

It never stopped in my life as a child.
From the moment I woke up the anxiety would start.
I knew that as soon as I got to the breakfast table the criticism and berating would begin.  I loathed mornings for most of my life but I never understood why until very recently.  I did not like eggs but the rules were that my mother fixed breakfast and everyone would eat what was prepared - like it or not.  My father liked eggs therefore we all had eggs.  Probably once a week or more we would have something else.  The requirements for all meals was that you ate what was provided.  No choices. That in and of itself is not the horror - the horror came from the locked jaw anger that my father directed towards me at any mistake.  No joy or excitement was tolerated.  One dropped fork or word spoken at the wrong time or ....

I remember in my early 30s realizing the my legs and hands and fingers were tied up like pretzels during meals. my right leg would be wrapped aroung my left, crossed at the thigh and right foot tucked behind the left calf, left hand balled into a knot and tucked under my  hips, every muscle tensed and head hung.  I now understand why.  The anxiety around getting up has lasted throughout my life.  I do hope and believe that as I get through this controlling aspect of anxiety that I will find freedom from that.

When I think back to the process of getting through the shame that I went through here, I remember that it took quite a few months and that the experience of the wretched emotion became much worse before it got better.  But I did break through it and that is the part that I must keep focus on.  I will get through this - even though the pain of it is so horrendous and even thought there is noone who could understand this that I could talk to.  That is definitely a huge part of the pain - the aloneness of it.

all of this helps me understand why it has been so difficult to clean up my mess of a house and yard.  When I get started the anxiety explodes.  It taps into the anxiety that was provoked by my perfectionistic father who tolerated no errors.  Cleaning up points to the fact that there is a mess. As insane as that sounds, the time that the shaming, raging came was when I made attempts to fix, correct or clean up.  That is what triggered the worst of it.  I will work through this.  Bear with me as I share the pain of it along the way to the other side.

[Gaining Strength]

Today the pain is more intense that for a very, very long time.
the shut down more complete
The inability to deal with normally non-anxiety provoking things is greater.

All of this stuff is coming together, making more sense.
The fear of being stuck here is enormous.
The lonliness and fear and hopelessness are indescribable.

I so hope this will tumble into a relief.

[sKePTiKal]

Hmmmm. No doubt you're on the right track, GS. Post on!

Something from my experience dealing with anxiety:

There came a point when I wondered what excitement felt like. Anticipatory excitement... and then, I wondered: so what is the difference between fearful anxiety and looking forward to something (excitement)? I answered the question this way, with another question: What was the end-result I was expecting?

If, in my interactions with people (or even myself; I consider my relationship with myself to be my most important relationship even when I'm totally "not right") - IF I expected a negative result I would be fine-tuning my perception to look for this - judgement, condemnation, ostracizing - being excluded. In some ways, I felt that this predisposition of fear actually caused me (through a twisted maze lof thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions) to help create the result that I feared. But, on the other hand, if I was able to tell myself that any of my expectations were "suspect" - that I couldn't PREDICT anyone's response to me nor how "anticipated" events or situations would turn out, based on my skewed history of basic relationships (thx mom & dad)... if I could let go of my expectation of a negative result... the level of "fear" was reduced and even replaced with a kind of "looking forward to" or - happy excitement, attached to it.

I could keep an open mind and not impose my own "pattern" on this brand-new opportunity of the present moment. And lo & behold... things didn't always turn out the way I feared they would; the "pain-quotient" quickly drained away; and I was able to choose the result that I "wanted" over the result that I "expected"... and I could "do" or "be" whatever it was that I WAS at that very moment - and all was well.

In my relationship with myself, I find that what I choose to devote my attention to and my perception of "how things are" are extremely important. Of course, this is all "intellectual center" stuff - and emotions are still sometimes, for me - a completely separate being. I still struggle with negative habits - self abuse - though more often than not, I'm more in control of that these days; just not as much as I wish I was!! But the key I'm using to unlock that kind of self-control is related to "expectations"...

I found I internalized certain expectations: for instance, that "attention" from my mom would always cause physical pain, drama, and it being all about her - with me being in the role of persona non grata. This was my "baseline" understanding of relationships in general. It made me, of course, VERY anxious. Couple that with rape (and the reality of that event STILL denied) and total abandonment from my Dad... well, you can see the "plot thicken", huh?

When one's idea of being included, recognized, connected and accepted is linked to such a hurtful result OF COURSE we fear any other similar situation. What tweaked this in my experience, was what you said about your Dad... and being set up to fail. I completely understand what I call - "blank canvas syndrome" - the problem with "getting started" - on anything. It's all linked to that fear/excitement choice of attention & perception. I understand; yet I'm still immobilized. It was my D, last night, who wielded the emotional 2x4 and told me that as long as I kept feeding my "fear" with more and more flimsy "excuses" about why I couldn't start... I wouldn't... until one day, I'd get sick & tired of hearing my own "BS excuses" and I'd just "do it" - without any definition AT ALL of what "success" or "failure" consisted of...... in other words, she wants me to throw out my own scale of definitions of what IS success/failure... and just TRY.

And it's OK if the first attempts are clumsy, weak, half-hearted or even self-deluding. It's OK if I am not SUPERMOM and knock it out of the park on the first attempt - that simply doesn't matter. But the TRYING surely does... that's what is meant - the meaning behind the words: zen mind, beginner's mind. A beginner is expected to make mistakes while learning something new, attempting something outside of the "comfort zone"... and THAT'S PERFECTLY OK... because no one masters something/anything from the very first attempt.

And I'm starting to "babble" from right-brain... and it probably isn't all that coherent... take what you can put to use, GS - and ignore the rest.

[Gaining Strength]

Staying in the midst of the storm finally brought an insight.
Not a new one but a needed one.
I can shift out of the anxiety, the intense fear and mea culpa and find my place in determination, moving forward.

I watch "ruby" on Lifetime for the first time the other night.  Quite surprisingly I was transfixed - these women were being asked to go back into their childhood and find that pain that caused them to turn to food for succor.  In one point a they are role playing and one woman names differnt people to play different roles including herself as a child.  While they role play an abusive segment between her parents she is able to drag her little child self out of the mix and rescue her.  It was a powerful scene.

Time for me to do the same.
I may have to be reminded over and over and over again but that is the way out of this place.  
When I first get out of it it does nothing to ease the fear b/c I will have to return and there is no ultimate solution but all of that is up to me to shift.  It will just take some work and some support and encouragement.  Not surprisingly yet self-defeating, I still long to turn to my mother for understanding and support.  That is futile and wasted energy.  Time to redirect that longing.

[Gaining Strength]

If, in my interactions with people (or even myself; I consider my relationship with myself to be my most important relationship even when I'm totally "not right") - IF I expected a negative result I would be fine-tuning my perception to look for this - judgement, condemnation, ostracizing - being excluded. In some ways, I felt that this predisposition of fear actually caused me (through a twisted maze lof thoughts, feelings, actions/reactions) to help create the result that I feared.

Oh my heavens PR.  No words can express my appreciation.
I absolutely agree with you.  It makes it so clear how I have done that throughout my life.  I have seen examples of reversing that expectation and experiecing good things.  This is a very helpful comment. It reminds me that I do believe that I am on my way out and that I am focusing on proof of that but it also reminds me that I can shift my focus on a number of issues still.  Thank you.

When one's idea of being included, recognized, connected and accepted is linked to such a hurtful result OF COURSE we fear any other similar situation. What tweaked this in my experience, was what you said about your Dad... and being set up to fail. I completely understand what I call - "blank canvas syndrome" - the problem with "getting started" - on anything. It's all linked to that fear/excitement choice of attention & perception. I understand; yet I'm still immobilized. It was my D, last night, who wielded the emotional 2x4 and told me that as long as I kept feeding my "fear" with more and more flimsy "excuses" about why I couldn't start... I wouldn't... until one day, I'd get sick & tired of hearing my own "BS excuses" and I'd just "do it" - without any definition AT ALL of what "success" or "failure" consisted of...... in other words, she wants me to throw out my own scale of definitions of what IS success/failure... and just TRY.

Yep - powerful.  I get it and I agree.
I hope I will be hit by this 2X4 repeatedly as I get it and make adjustments and get another knock and continue to make adjustments.  I am getting it PR.  Thank you for sticking with me through this and offering real understanding and valuable words of direction.

[Gaining Strength]

getting another insight
the anxiety is nested
in other words - I feel anxious about doing s.t. b/c I fear the results, That is nested in anxiety about anticipating doing the thing, and that is nested in or related to a network of memories and on and on and on.

So when I face an anxiety it is so generalized that when I face one aspect, I am battled down by an entire army or anxieties that have multiplied over the years.

I must keep my focus SHARP and deal with one step at a time!!!!

I can do this. Step at a time.

[Gaining Strength]

I am being flooded by insights and I am looking to get them down so that I can retain them and use them in my healing.

I had no filter from criticism.  I could not differentiate from valuable, meaningful criticism and that to be disregarded.

I could not do that because my father overtly would respond to my bringing home unkindnesses and painful remarks that I must have done something to deserve the comments.  There was never any place to go with hurt.  I truly believed that I deserved it and I still go into the world believing this - not actively and not consciousle but hidden deep within.  I have no filter - unable to slough off meanness because it is petty.  It take it all in and it send my body through ripples of fear and leaves me in a state of physical shaking.  It is a rough response.

I must now create an artificial filtering system protecting myself from such harshness.  I have to go but have so much more to write.

[Worn]

(((((((GS)))))))

I am amazed by your strength.  I understand the urge to get through this.  Don't forget to rest while you do this also.  I've had many insights come while resting.
Whether I'm doing this kind of soul searching work or just working on a term paper. 

"all of this helps me understand why it has been so difficult to clean up my mess of a house and yard.  When I get started the anxiety explodes.  It taps into the anxiety that was provoked by my perfectionistic father who tolerated no errors.  Cleaning up points to the fact that there is a mess. As insane as that sounds, the time that the shaming, raging came was when I made attempts to fix, correct or clean up.  That is what triggered the worst of it."

Oh wow.  That makes so much sense.  I have a complete mess of a house also.  It is so bad I haven't let anybody in for years.  I know I have felt an overwhelming sense of 'I can't do this' whenever I start to clean.  I love CB's idea of decorating one corner.  A place just for me, however I want it.  I think that would help me. 

Weird, I dreamt a ton last night also.  Something in the air?  I also had a dream with a tiger in it.  It was a girl in her twenties walking a tiger on a chain down the road.  I looked at her and thought, she must be someone special to have a tiger trust her like that.  And that no one would dare mess with someone with a guard like that.

Keep it up GS, but remember to be gentle with yourself, you are precious.  Worn

[Gaining Strength]

ooh - I think that girl with the tiger is YOU.