(Meeting nephews) /My N-mother and alcoholic brother and his kids

[sKePTiKal]

I'm gonna second Hops' suggestion. There are people who have found their way to income through just the kind of writing you're doing, but on blogs. The one that I'm thinking of is Jen Lancaster. I just read "Bitter is the New Black". I found myself hating her and laughing at the same time; she claims she's N - but the book actually shows her discovery of what empathy is and yes, she is funny in a mean sort of way. Her blog is at:

www. jennsylvania.com

Practical crap out of the way - hey, it might be a sort of survival skill (at the moment) to have the emotional volume turned down sorta low. Especially given some of these environmental, judgemental things that you're noticing in the "helpers" around you. And you can do yoga anywhere... maybe the same place you are going to read.

I'll come back and write more when I can. I heard some really interesting things in your post! But we have a bunch of last minute errands to do, before Hurricane Earl moves in for a short stay tonight and tomorrow.

Please, stay safe! (and I mean inner safe, too).

[Gaining Strength]

Muffin Buster, I have not kept up with your circumstances until today.  I am sorry about what you are going through.  I can imagine that it is very tough to be where you are but I also believe it takes courage to do what you need to do to provide for yourself.

I am familiar with homeless shelters as for years I volunteered and worked in  a few.  I know what you mean about the judgemental "church ladies".  But I encourage you to think of yourself as doing them the favor of giving them something to feel useful about.  As you receive the food provided, see yourself as one of the "angels unaware" that they have been privileged to serve.  It might give you a good feeling about yourself and about those not quite gracious servers.

Most of all I hope you can keep your eyes on the prize and remember that this is all temporary.  While you were not chosen in the last two job opportunities, I encourage you to think of those as two of the "no" responses that you have to get through until you get to your yes.

I read this concept in a book by a young guy who grew up in the Detroit projects and have used it a number of times to help me and even my young son. 

Like Hops, I am sending you strength and courage to get through these "winter" days and the reminder that they will not be long.

[Meh]

Today there was a woman who literally has leaves in her hair- she was laying down on the ground outside of the shelter and wanted to sleep inside the shelter. She was not permitted, I'm thankful that she is not going to be my new room-mate. She urinated on herself and her toenails were frightening. One woman in the shelter who just got out of jail because she "attempted to stab her husband" is now angry at me because I told her: "I don't want to talk about it"-- during a conversation that she initiated regarding her issues with another woman at the shelter. Jeeze....I just want to get out of this place.

I'm tired, I sleep but I don't go into deep sleep because I don't feel safe.

I applied for 5 jobs yesterday, I continue to do the things that I think I need to do.  

I'm employing every single coping skill I have ever acquired in my lifetime right now.

I'm thinking about a friends house that a stayed at-- in their guest room when I was visiting them from out of town, I slept so good there, I just felt very SAFE. I'm not going to have a real sense of well-being during the time that I'm staying at this place-no matter how much herbal tea I drink.

I bought a new pair of shoes on sale for less then $20.00 and I'm embarrassed to bring them into the shelter or worried to draw any attention to myself. Anyways I need to go to sleep. Good night. Pray for me.

[sKePTiKal]

Millions of prayers... fluttering in the wind for you, MB!

Questions: will the jobs you're applying for enable you to get back into a small apartment? Do you still have some money saved back for that step away from the shelter? Are you in a fairly large city? (that could be a good or bad thing...) Can you really work at a job, while living in a shelter? Seems you need housing, to be able to rest... to do a good job... almost a chicken and egg situation.

I've spent some time in the past exploring ideas for true, affordable housing - it's not affordable if it's not clean and safe, you know?? The Japanese commonly live in studio apartments that are the size of walkin closets in McMansions - because that's what they can afford. This solution offers privacy and safety. Most of the other solutions I know about, involve group living - sharing a house, or at least the common areas. Sometimes there are separate, private rooms... sometimes even those are shared, depending on finances. Having security and privacy seem to be necessary requirements for people to share space, and even then group dynamics figure in. Not everyone is comfortable with shared housing. I'm not - I never lived in a dorm, I never had roommates other than "partners" or hubby's. But I have seen all kinds of new approaches to housing lately - small spaces, pods of private space around shared kitchens and great rooms...

I wonder if anything like this exists where you are?

[CB123]

I wish you would paste this entire post, just as is, onto an OpenSalon blog.

There is a lot of posting there and that community is very caring and smart.

Oh, yes!  I think this is a very good idea.  I have read many blogs there and the perspective you have shared here is as poignant as any of them. I hope you will do that, Muffin. 

CB

[Meh]

Questions: will the jobs you're applying for enable you to get back into a small apartment? Do you still have some money saved back for that step away from the shelter? Are you in a fairly large city? (that could be a good or bad thing...) Can you really work at a job, while living in a shelter? Seems you need housing, to be able to rest... to do a good job... almost a chicken and egg situation.
I wonder if anything like this exists where you are?

To answer your question, I am not certain, I have applied for low-wage part time jobs and higher-wage full-time jobs. Whatever comes up first I guess. I'm hoping that I would be lucky enough to find a good roommate situation for a few months before I can move into an apartment. There are some people that have big homes and a vacant basement apartment-room sort of thing. No, I don't really have money saved for "that step away from the shelter". I will figure it out somehow though. I was able to buy some new shoes because I had a sewing machine that I took to a pawn shop but that is about it. I'm not starving and I'm not isolated- some other women in the shelter do serve as witnesses. I haven't made plans for other housing yet because I need to get the job first.

I can work a job while living out of the homeless shelter- it's not ideal but it's managable as long as things stay somewhat peaceful in the shelter.
I would tell the employer that I'm staying with relatives or living somewhere else.

[Meh]

One of the women in the shelter wanted to give me two dollars and asked me to walk over to the bus station and pay the bus fare for the woman who urinated on herself to get back on the bus.

I sarcastically said something about how “it’s just not in my heart”. It wasn't my idea and I didn't want to do it because the bus isn't very close, I hadn't taken a shower myself yet this morning, and I feel a little resentful about doing things for some people. I don't have sympathy or empathy for some people who have just totally fried themselves out on drugs- I have no idea if that is the case with her but I suspect it is-(SO there is my judgement of others). And it probably is a condescending judgement in someways. I don't want to be responsible for these other people. I'm not a social worker visiting for a few minutes doing a good deed.
I don't know why but I don't like that woman-
Maybe it's not charitable of me- I don't know. I feel like there is a difference between people who are going through personal troubles and then the people who have just done too much of some kind of drug. I don't even know what. I mean maybe she has some psychiatric illness and is not a drug abuser.how on earth would I know. I’m not as nice as I used to be—maybe there is some sort of vibe from her that I just don’t like. I think what I am getting at is I really don't want to be friends with some of these people. Don’t want to get too familiar with some of them. Maybe that sounds "mean". But there is a personal cost to being "nice" to every single person. I am staying in a homeless shelter, it is a charitable situation but No- I personally don't want to be asked to do things for other homeless people beyond serving them food in the soup kitchen that is where I draw the line. I feel myself being draw into that world- all the guys at the shelter now recognize me as "one of them" and I just don't like it. But it's interesting I have never been part of that layer of society before not that I was ever close to upper class but I scraped by in an insulated way.



So I wonder when it comes to human kindness where do people draw the line and why.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, perhaps when one has a lot of needs that aren't being met one automatically is less empathetic; less charitable... because it's a survival mechanism. (I guess it's a viewpoint that could explain some current social trends, too.) The meaning of this, is that humans are built to take care of themselves first - and when those basic needs are met, then they reach out to others. And it's most likely a temporary condition; I don't believe you're an inherently judgemental, mean person at all. One just doesn't have anything to give when one needs so many things, you know?

Another way to look at this, is from the FOO-environment: Nm & brother sure 'nuff took care of their needs... ignoring the kids care, didn't they? Your brother with his kids... Nmom with your needs. This builds up a lot of survival defenses in a person; I know I still struggle with resentment & wanting to blame someone... because I often don't know what I need; I don't ask for it (and sure don't have any confidence that asking results in getting); and then I'm angry and resentful... because I feel like I'm bustin' my butt and no one else is helping. At least, that's my self-fulfilling prophecy cycle, you know? I've seen it over and over and even when the steam is coming out of my ears and I'm on the verge of kickin' proverbial a$$... I still know this is exactly what it is... and what I really NEED has to come from ME, in this situation: I have to ask specifically for what I want/need - and then release the outcome... I can't put any conditions whatsoever on how, when, or even IF my request is fulfilled. And I have to keep asking....

... in your situation, I hear very loud & clear that you really don't want to be accepted and part of the shelter environment. Understandable, I think. But it also sorta reminds me of a present-day experience that could help resolve the old FOO scripts and dramas, too. You are NOT your FOO... and it's understandable that you don't want to be "accepted" (under their terms) and "belong" (in that situation). So it's symbolic in a way: the quest to get out of the shelter [might] = the quest to separate "you" (in your feelings and thoughts about yourself) from you FOO. Possible? I sure don't know... so you'll have to just chuck this if it doesn't fit.

I don't know why this other thing keeps coming up and it seems irrelevant and silly to me; but it's something that wants to be passed on to you and it's persisting... it's an old Zen saying about how the goal of zazen is:

to be at home in the homeless home

[Meh]

Personally, I'm not getting too esoteric about it- I think I have graduated beyond spirituality to reality and I don't ever want to do social work...I just can't see the value in this "life experience"...for me it's just more lost time down the drain that I could have been using to actually live. I'm just trying to think about practical things like making sure I don't get sick, don't get a Staph infection. One woman came out of jail with an UNTREATED Staph. infection on her foot and then proceeded to doctor it up in the kitchen area of the shelter. Another woman just got out of the hospital for some bacterial infection that she is saying: "At least it's not MRSA"...and during a conversation she mentioned that she also has drug abuse issues.

I have heard my Nar-mother use the term “Low-lifes” to describe unfortunate people - and when she uses that term, I now know that all of the people in the homeless shelter come under that category- even me probably. My Nar-mother sends me emails describing to me what she is going to cook for dinner-- as if that is somehow of significance to me? I think my mother has a bona-fide mental problem that doesn't have an odoriferous stink and it isn't going to put her in jail....and it isn't going to make her homeless. There doesn't seem to be tangible evidence of her dark side and somehow the people around her over look her weird tantrums. My mother has a swinging mood she goes from the incident where she is saying to me "You're a miserable person" while my alcoholic brother is yelling at me.....to sending me emails now about her culinary preparations at home. I'm literally eating at a soup kitchen. It's not appropriate- she just shouldn't talk to me about what she is cooking for dinner. I use to respond to this emotionally but now I think I'm just seeing the patterns.    

One of the women just out of jail says that the other women in the jail were putting heroin up their rear-ends…..She is a mother. Most of the women in the shelter are mothers. There is something about her that I like. I want her to do well. She is not very attractive- she is "trashy" like most of the people there- but there is something that just seems more real about some of these people in a way. Not a lot of pretense of social class. Not a whole lot of arrogance not a lot of hair-flipping and flaunting. Many of these women have children that end up having health complications- diseases, one was born a preemie, others have other problems. The children of these women in this shelter didn't exactly come into this world with a head-start in life.

You, know, society doesn't want to see these people become "successful". There seems to be a force that is directed towards punishing these people and judging these people and condescendingly disliking these "types" of people. There are a lot of stigmas in this place. In fact the word stigmatized might be invisibly hovering over the homeless shelter. For some people it really seems to be a lifestyle. I'm getting tired and bored of the people there. I want to go fishing--do something-- get out and AWAY. Building a castle out of dog poop? Ok, that is just negativity there.

Losing my job, having difficulty with being picked for rehire along with a bought of depression after I lost my job, reopening of old emotional issues, my lack of skill in leveraging myself and not having strong direction or money to invest in myself, not having a good network of supportive people around me...and poor timing of life events....have all been contributing factors to me being where I am right now.

The head of the shelter said something to me about self-esteem classes. Some people don't need to take self esteem classes- they just have it.

I woke up at 3:00 AM and just laid there for a while trying to readjust my clothes, I just sleep in my pants. I wasn't comfortable....then I finally went back to sleep. The room smells like dirty socks or something.

I'm wondering if I can cut every single one of my relatives out of my life sometime in the future- I’m thinking about moving away and putting some physical distance between me and my mother when I get some resources together. I should really have other long term goals beyond cutting people out of my life.  

There is a big cross in the homeless shelter and I'm suppose to be praying for myself or other people in there or something and at my mature adult age the only thing I am praying for is that my mother gets in a car-accident. Bad Karma? Do I care?

Open to possibilities in the vague unknown space of tomorrow or ignorant aimlessness.

[sKePTiKal]

Losing my job, having difficulty with being picked for rehire along with a bought of depression after I lost my job, reopening of old emotional issues, my lack of skill in leveraging myself and not having strong direction or money to invest in myself, not having a good network of supportive people around me...and poor timing of life events....have all been contributing factors to me being where I am right now.

Good list - of the hellish snowball that ran into you. I call this the "piling on" effect - and know how overwhelming it is. It's really hard to decide which of these to tackle first - and when you can see all the rest of it bearing down you, too - well. Speechless. All I can do is send a virtual hug.

But, there is a glimmer of hope in your list, you know? It's a list of goals in disguise. And I've found that it really doesn't matter which one you start with - as long as you start somewhere. Picking just one step to accomplish for each goal, then one more, then the next... but I know you know how to do that. I agree that life (and society) seems to have it in for the homeless; blaming them for their own circumstances. Sometimes it is simply that the snowball from hell is moving too fast for them to outrun. Doesn't make them bad people, or broken people (though yes, some are so broken it takes professional help).

Maybe start with the easiest one: perhaps you can create a "good supportive network" from the more real folks around you now. There is one thing, that even the poorest of the poor can always give - that's friendship.

[sKePTiKal]

OK, I'm back. That was a really lame post.

I know I'm a bit vulnerable right now - overwhelmed with a lot of my own stuff, but your plight and the more I think about it... and all the other people who are similarly affected (including my - & other folks' kids) - has just pushed all my outrage buttons!!!!!! I'm really pissed that you find yourself where you are; that my kids have to work multiple jobs to just squeak by and so they're vulnerable to every little dip or pothole that comes along; and that no one - in boom times or recessions - has addressed the cost of housing in relation to stagnant wages and increased cost of just about every single necessity to live, there is. A lot of people bought homes they couldn't afford - BECAUSE rents were so high. Landlords were covering their mortgage payments with high rents and they were speculating in "income property" real estate. Not all of them; just a lot of them. There is an invisible inflation; unacknowledged by the folks who can make statistical numbers dance... and there has been since the 60's and I was almost homeless, myself.

I'm not a political person. I tried the activist stuff, non-profits, etc to actually do something useful... but even there, I found too much BS for the organization to have any real impact in people's lives. The stigma that you are now so painfully aware of - is one that I know, too. It's really undeserved in your case and you will have to find ways to be "different"; to not live down to the stigma.

And I'm going to try to put this passion and anger into trying to come up with solutions.

[Meh]

Today, I'm worn out. That is all, I think. I don't have a lot to write about. Maybe there is some discouragement wrapped up in it.

[Meh]

I applied for a job as a grocery store cashier, I was just notified today that my skills do not match the job requirement. I sure hope that means I'm over qualified but I'm beyond pissed off now. The first job I ever had was as a grocery store cashier when I was in highschool.

Seems that I'm not qualified to do the work I was doing and that I'm not qualified for the kind of work that teenager/college students do when they are not baby sitting.....???    Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hummmm

Having a welfare baby is starting to look more and more appealing every single day. (Sarcasm)

[Meh]

I'm going to write fast a furious before my time on the computer runs out.

I have a new roommate, she has been living in a tent and working at a Laundromat laundromat?...anyways
She has been working at a that laundry cleaning place and has had no real shower- was using a hose. She left a bad relationship and now she thinks she is in hog heaven because there are showers at the homeless shelter.
The woman who left before her took of her medical bandages/dressings and left them in the room instead of disposing of them in the large garbage can that is outside and very near. I would not touch those things.

I've realized that I've never been in a home with so many people who do not have their real teeth.

I learned more about one woman who has three children, at one point child protective services came to her home and intervened, she wasn't there but her spouse was in bed drunk and the police tried to wake him up for 15 minis. So she no longer has custody of her children. Her father would beat her with a belt-right in line with Alice Miller's theories. She has bipolar and has to take 16 pills every night just to keep it under control. She seems like a sweet heart in some ways but then again she is on 16 pills--how would I know who she really is? I wonder how she would know--and she doesn't. She told me that she doesn't know what emotional normal feels like because ever since she was a teenager her emotional swings have been dramatic.

There is a lady that sleeps in the bunk on top of me, she is new also and I don't care for her too much. She snores, scratches and tosses and turns, she woke me up at 3:00 AM- then I couldn't or wouldn't go back to sleep. I became suspicious of what she may be doing at 3:00 in the morning. Could just be using the toilet.

There is no privacy. I have no basically told everyone in the house that I have diarrhea and constipation to justify the things that I want to eat: yogurt, fresh fruit, fresh vegetables.

The women in the house spend their food stamps on chips and dip, cases of soda, candy, ice cream and microwavable pizza cookie crap.

They sort of dictate how I use my food stamps and what is purchased with them. I'm going to have to tactfully attempt to advocate for me having healthy food to eat. They take the food stamp benefit and then buy stuff for the soup kitchen that feeds people off the street who are not even in the shelter. The reason why some of those people are on the street is because they are still using and not through rehab--I DONT want my measlie benefits going to them.

The woman who manages the house hold is overweight, she chain smokes and I saw her eatting a McDonald's breakfast sandwich.
I don't eat like that-

I'm going to try to get myself a scholarship for a gym membership. I have to procure paperwork first to prove that I'm in need of scholarship assistance. Do you know how challenging it is to find paperwork when one is in a homeless shelter?

I wish I could write more but I'm running out of my alotted time here.

The energy in the shelter is so scattered, I have a hard time concentrating there. Try as I might other people poke into my business. I had to tell the woman who stabbed her husband to get out of my face this morning. Uhhhh-as politely as I could but she has been told my more then one person at this point and it doesnt get through to her. Its a boundary issue.

[Meh]

I see someone in this cafe who interviewed me a few months ago for a job that I didn't get and was overqualified for. Actually the wage was so low that they expected to hire someone who was married with a second source of income.
She is sitting there flicking her foot under the table and I am staring at my computer.

I feel discouraged. I don't have a car so I don't get tasks done as efficiently as I would like to do.

There is perfectly good food that is prepared carelessly at the soup kitchen and this is another point of contention I have. Yesterday I went to the soup kitchen where there was salad that looked quite good and I think included food donated from people's gardens.
The down side is that it must not have been washed at all because every single piece of vegetable literally had dirt blobs on it. Then I saw aphids walking away from the vegetables and to the edge of my plate. I know that I'm not suppose to complain but I do wonder why the F*ck they cant just wash it so we can pretend to be a little bit civilized. Then there is the hair in the food, maybe I already said this.

Jeeze and now the new age author walks in. I scroll down on the page so he doesn't see "VOICELESSNESS AND EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL ON MY SCREEN" And I was just making excuses to him without any grace as to why I walked out of his lecture early. He said I was being "flighty" I told him I didn't want to be an active participant that I felt like only being a passive participant. He looks at my fat thighs squashed against the metal chair that I am sitting on. I want to kick him in the face with a flying karate chop across the room and knock his imperfect glasses off of his bald head. BUT I do not do this.  

BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm not good enough for him.

I'm not good enough for me!

I'm missing my soup kitchen dining experience and all the women at the shelter will say "Where were you for dinner?"
As if it is any of their business. As if I will ever see any one of them ever again.
People come in and out and move on to a better place.

I'm just sitting here now. Tired. Thinking about how to locate my W2 forms.

My head down on my keyboard for just a minute, wanting to sleep here, wanting to relax. I’m confused by where I am. I find out there are resources and then I plan, I call, I write down notes, I go, I talk with people, I plan, I follow up, I shine my shoes and still nothing is happening for me. I’m also lonely. It’s amazing how strong my invisible callus is right now. Boundaries are a big issue in a place full of troubled people with no built in privacy.

I went to talk with a college counselor about grant money yesterday, during this conversation she told me that her sister who is a paralegal has been out of work for two years. So I know I don’t have to feel terrible but I STILL do. If I was feeling something it would be a terrible feeling. While I was waiting in a chair before I was called into the office to speak with her, I felt like I might break down with the water works and start crying but I didn’t, so I guess that is what maturity is doing for me. I found myself hoping that I wouldn’t have to speak with a man for some reason. I guess I figured a man would be aloof --hear what I was saying and give me some random brochures not useful for me but just so some action was taken on his part some offering minuscule and useless.