Thanks Amber. I spent all day yesterday beating this one to death, and finally decided to leave things as they are. If I called him back, or even met with him, I know I would be left with the same frustrations that I have been dealing with for several decades now. He'll just go into his Firest Gump loop, start rambling about the fruit market, and never address the problems at hand. I think his "real self" went away 55 years ago and isn't coming back.
I do believe that he may have had a sudden reality check. I have always been the only child who would have been willing to provide elder care for him, and he may be finally seeing that. My father spent a lifetime giving my brother everything he needed, with the idea being that his GC would become successful and reciprocate later in life. Unfortunately, my parents went so far overboard in giving him an ivy league education, free cars, a house, you name it, that he took it all for granted and grew into a selfish bastard who always has his hands out, and has no use for anyone who isn't giving him free stuff. I finally stopped buying him Christmas gifts after years of him taking the goods like I owed it to him, never thanking me, and never ever giving me a gift in return. I think Co-F has finally "gotten" that his precious boy is NOT going to be there for him in his old age (though despite that, he is still the sole heir and has been given all valuable family heirlooms while my parents are still alive, so that I cannot contest the will).
When my father calls, he usually only wants to speak to my husband. He doesn't know how much hubby makes, but based on us having a pretty good lifestyle, I think Co-F believes that hubby has a great paying job and that we are very well off (we're pretty middle class, but my husband is one of those who lives beyond his means, so on the surface we look like we're living very well). So F has a son who won't visit him or take his calls, a second daughter who is battling cancer and barely able to care for herself, and his N wife, who is dying of cancer. That leaves me, who currently has a five bedroom luxury home and (in his eyes) a highly paid husband. I think he's scared of ending up alone and broke, and he just realized that I might be his meal ticket.
Back to connecting with his "real, authentic self," I don't think that possible. Since I was a child, I've never seen him display any independent thought. Whatever person he used to be died when he married his N wife and became her droid. He has been hurting me my entire life. When I was 18 and homeless, I asked him for a little money for food, and he said "Your mother says I can't give you money." She would never have known if he had reached into his wallet and given me a $20 bill, but he was so afraid that he would be struck by lightning for defying her, he let me starve. I honestly don't believe that his real self is there anymore.
If he's refusing to do right by me out of fear of crossing the Queen, well, she's supposed to be dying of cancer, and he'll soon be free to do as he pleases. I talked to my therapist about this, because my feeling is that he can certainly rewrite his will after she's gone, and retrieve some of the family heirlooms that NM made him give to the GC just to stick it to me. My T's feeling is that even though he CAN make these changes, he won't. People who are this co-dependent will never defy the controlling spouse, even after they have died. Their commitment to this person can never be broken, even in death. I have to say I agree with her. Even after NM is gone, he will never cross her and go against her wishes. Ain't gonna happen.
Kathy
