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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by Hopalong on May 19, 2024, 11:59:03 AM »
I agree, Amber. All the puppies I've known have needed loads of sleep and patience and love and time. I'm certainly giving Pup all that...just enjoy writing some hyperbole about how it all feels right now. I'm smitten with him and he's very bright. We're bonding big.

Most of all, he's FUNNY. He doesn't have to try...his little face is all by itself hilarious. He looks like an old Prussian soldier with mutton chops. Then there's the long torso, and a wonderful curled up tail with a white tip. White paws, and a funny off-center white blaze on his head that somehow makes him look like a rocker. Dog parts from outer space all came together to make him something adorable.

We'll be starting puppy class within about a month, there's a great one here.

hugs
Hops
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Captain's Log - 2024
« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 19, 2024, 11:03:34 AM »
I'll never understand any generation younger than Gen X.

S apparently hasn't changed his address at work or registered his car in the new state. His paychecks are still being mailed here, and when Hol offered to mail them to him, he said he'd come out & pick 'em up but he can't say when that'll be. Guess he doesn't need the money.  <shrug>

She said she's done doing anything for him, she's not specifically asked to do. And from the past week's conversations with her, she is moving on with all due intention and speed - carefully. She realizes it might be 10 years before he figures out who he is, at this rate. She doesn't want to waste that time.

The dating apps have proven to be risky, too. Handful of guys who's first loyalty is their male appendages and expect women to fall at their feet, because it's so glorious. (Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) Her inner Dorothy Parker shut them down quickly. Then there was a sweet naive open guy who's managing his parents farm near DC. Yowzers - they have big bucks! He turned out to like wearing little girls' undies and wanted someone to "play" out his fantasies with. She was kinder to him, but just as firm about not wanting to entertain something that complicated and unfamiliar in her moral map. She was once a little girl that men would fawn over, too. The resistance is deep about that kind of thing, in her.

Then, there is one local guy she might meet up with casually some time. The one with the sailboat and family loyalty. And THEN, lo and behold, she finally matched with a guy northwest of here, who is homesteading on his own place. Nicely built house, baby kitties are getting their "house" built, he just picked up some more chickens. Welder by trade and just a normal guy, only a couple years older than her. She'll have lunch with him next week because he's on her way to the camp out location/raft trip. And if something clicks - maybe she'll meet up again on the way back. I think she likes the fact that he's got his own independent life and is doing it, just like she is. She's not thinking much about long-term until she gets a read on just who he is and what he's like.

Clearly over the worst of the emotional reaction and moving on, so Mom can finally stand down on that front. When she gets back we'll be diving back into studio reno again. B is changing water heaters today and tomorrow. Her fence is done; needs a few tweaks here & there but it's a help while I'm keeping her dogs while she's outta here having fun with her friends & a few new folks. She's been busting her butt around here keeping grass short & trimming the edge of the long driveway. In addition to the big painting push in the studio. So she's EARNED some extended time off. She has enough close friends - and they keep in touch - that there is a lot to balance the solitude out here. She has no concrete reason to feel isolated... so forging the way forward.

It's a lot to juggle for me, with B being sensitive to how much of my time I dedicate to her. But I've been doing that for 46 years, with different partner responses. Her dad - even though he's close - hasn't touched base with her in over 6 months. It's like she doesn't exist. She mentions it every now & then, but I think she's accepted the fact he's just in a different world that isn't exactly her comfort zone. And it's obvious that she's latched onto B - Mr. Paternal and over-protective - for some male energy input & wisdom. He always shows up for her, when she needs help. She is now looking for that kind of thing from the prospective "partners" she's shopping. I certainly hope a few of them also curl her toes!  <wink wink>

B is more than enough to fill my life and the time each day, but he's also independent and we shift back & forth over who's caring for who, as needed. But it'll soon be our turn to escape all this for awhile, too. We just need to find some stability in his pain issues, somehow. And I need some more physical energy to keep up with things. I did get a lot of my herbs planted, then I ran out of topsoil. I either need to run over the mountain to get some more bags or see if I can get some from Hol. But I won't last long with a shovel. The heat is beginning to creep in, too and the garden is a lush mass of green weeds. NOTHING has been planted out yet because it's been too cool & wet for most things. Tomatos are finally germinating but no squash or cucumbers. Hol got a few things in the ground last week too.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 19, 2024, 10:07:26 AM »
Puppies are assimilating so much new knowlege so fast every day, that it takes them a while to process all that stuff, Hops. That's one reason they take so many naps. And why training needs to be consistent. Even the words you use! Hol's 70 lb puppy is the same way - and that is a LOT more chaos inside than us old farts can manage. But Kiri makes up for it by being sweet.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by Hopalong on May 18, 2024, 10:19:38 AM »
Wow! I can feel your solidity and balance...what a good day that was. It does feel amazing when simple steps or internal shifts produce that feeling of "I am okay and it feels uncomplicated." You actually turned off the self-criticism. Brava.

Meanwhile, I turned cartwheels over delightful language things:
"mithering" and
"wang on"

Pup is a maniac. And so cute that my friend visiting brought him a basket of presents. She also brought her gorgeous elderly collie who was very intrigued until he began treating her like a jungle gym. He finally took a nap on her lovely tail. Amazed me how sweet and patient the old achy dog was with his bananas energy.

My house is an absolute wreck but he and I have settled into a pretty good routine. I still spend too much time waiting for the magic tidyup fairy. And the housetraining fairy. He's trying. Another dog-obsessed friend advised me that it really helps to behave like a demented cheerleader whenever he hits the right spot (puppy pad not just off it or in his blankie). Being a praise factory is actually good for my mental health. I'm so enthusiastic he looks at me like I've lost my mind, but it does appear to help him notice what he did right.

hugs
Hops


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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by Twoapenny on May 18, 2024, 12:21:57 AM »
It is lovely, Hops :)  I was up very early this morning and sat in the garden drinking my tea and watching the bats flying around :)

Two interesting things this week; my compulsion to step in and manage other people's feelings for them seems to have left me, and so to has my need to endlessly manage what I say so I don't inadvertently offend anyone.  Someone local to us, an older disabled man we've got to know, had a bit of a situation going on.  I didn't really have any way I could help out, realistically, and for the first time I didn't put myself in a ridiculous situation of over promising or planning some miraculous rescue.  I just said I was sorry it was tough for him (which I am) but that I didn't have anything useful to offer (which was true) and I hoped someone else would be more useful.  I should add he wasn't asking for help, simply telling me what was going on but usually that makes me put my rescue hat on.  Just didn't happen and I only thought about it afterwards because I think it's the first time the feeling that I needed to manage that for someone else didn't come up.

Two situations this week where usually I would be very careful about what I said, but I wasn't.  I wasn't rude and it wasn't an outburst, but again there just wasn't any emotion attached.  I just said what I thought, standing up for myself in both cases, and left it there.  Haven't spent endless amounts of time mithering over whether I did or said the right thing, or justifying it to myself in my head either.  It just was, and that was that.

And on the back of that, an old friend turned up unexpectedly, I got a call early yesterday to say he'd be driving through later in the day and were we home.  Said yes, genuinely pleased to see him, but too many memories of old life.  Weed smoke (you can smell it on him), drinking (the smell and the talking about oneself - I hadn't realised before the reason I've spent so much time listening to others wang on is because drunk people just talk with no regard for who else is there) and a realisation that we don't actually have much in common and two hours was more than enough time to catch up.  Didn't feel bad about telling him I was wanting to go to bed, told him he was welcome to use the house as he wanted to and then I went off and left him to it.  Woke up this morning not feeling at all bad about being a less than gracious host and wanting to get on with the day.

Amazing.  Keep wondering if this is how some people feel throughout their lives and if that's why it seems so much easier for them.  Hoping it continues.  Hope pup is doing well! xx
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by Hopalong on May 15, 2024, 01:40:14 PM »
Glad you are back in the present, (((((Tupp))))). Brava, you.

I'll bet spring in Scotland is amazing. I'm picturing heather, lambs on hillsides, fresh breezes (coastal?) and people with roses in their cheeks.

Hugs
Hops
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Captain's Log - 2024
« Last post by lighter on May 14, 2024, 04:45:33 PM »

(tiny chant)
::burn his stuff....::

I'm all for B moving full time to the farm.  Finally🪺
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Captain's Log - 2024
« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 14, 2024, 09:28:25 AM »
Lighter - I had to laugh at the "burn his stuff" chant. My inclination is to vigorously join in! But, one of the contractor crews that built her hut will at least come get S's old car (that he started to work on & gave it up; not running). Greenhouse is finally closed in thanks to help from a couple friends last week.

Hops - "the power of no" is spot on! I can see her beginning to master this finally. Of course she signed up for a couple dating apps... met one local guy she's actually talking to and may meet up with. They have some things in common - he has a sailboat, that's a liveaboard; but he's taking a year off to help out his mom. This one is at least new friend material, but there might be some chemistry there too. He's a little older than her, but that's GOOD.

Then, I watched the whole story of a new guy trying to chat her up. Guy around S's age - 5 years younger than her. He obviously thought he was god's gift to women, and was clearly only interested in one thing. Didn't care to know anything at all about her... and thought he was so impressive she would swoon under his charms. Her last message before blocking him was "good luck & goodbye". All in the space of a couple hours. So I feel assured she isn't going to repeat her previous mistakes. She visited an old friend at her GF's house on Sunday; going camping/rafting with her core buddies in a couple weeks too.

She has tried to continue communicating with S - with the same results. So resignation and acceptance is settling into her mindset. If what he says is true, he needs a period of intense therapy. Otherwise, it sounds like a convenient, inarguable excuse. Either way - it ISN'T possible (and HASN'T BEEN) to have a relationship with someone like that. Much less, trust that her needs will recognized and met. So, she is looking out for and protecting herself. Current contractor projects will make her life 100% easier; more peace of mind.


B & I took a short road trip over the weekend. I drove since I knew the ins/outs of the route and even just driving was a welcome break for me. There were some less than pleasant aspects to the trip - but we're no worse for wear. He's a good road trip buddy, even when just riding shotgun. I was reminded how much out of step I am, in cities now. It's an alien environment for both of us and neither of us relax while there. But the drive is my old route north back "home" and to the shop in MI. So he got to see the mountain part of that trip.

When we got back I came out & sat on the porch in the dark and could just feel this place wrapping it's welcoming protection and care around me again. There's just such good energy here and while it's hard physical work caring for the place - our philosophy is less "making it so" and stewardship instead.

Studio project is demoted to less pressing right now. Both Hol & I need to plant (weather still isn't very good for it) and she has the two support projects going on at her place. But she got the pale pink on the walls and the ceiling done; still has one more patch to deal with over new windows. The color is WAYYY better than I hoped it would be; depending on the light it shifts peachy, instead of rose. And it's pale enough that it's just a hint of color that's cozy; not a statement... so functioning as a neutral. Still have trim to cut & put up and painting trim is next step. Going to clear out a lot of the cardboard & trash; and start putting things against walls again. Then we're on to plumbing and mini-kitchen cabinets. Bathroom will be last.

I have to re-order the bar that was damaged in shipping and get a vanity ordered. B has work to do in the garage downstairs... with help from both of us. Then he can get another workspace for himself set up... and we can decide which tools we're going to keep/sell... making more space in there. I *think* B will be able to get completely moved by this fall. TBD.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by Twoapenny on May 13, 2024, 10:59:48 AM »
Thanks, both :)  Do you know the funniest thing is, I haven't thought about it again.  Any of it.  It's like it just magicked away.  The paperwork will need to be shredded, I think that's safest.  There are companies that do it but I quite like the idea of doing it myself.  But I don't feel any need or desire to deal with it just now, it doesn't feel like a pressing or important job.
My mum's current saga is following its usual pattern of escalation, isn't it funny how the pattern is always the same?  But she can't see it.  And it looks like no-one is giving her the response she needs to carry on in her usual way, I think she's genuinely worn everyone out now.  I almost feel sorry for her; your long trusted coping mechanism (however destructive it may be) not working during what is probably genuinely the most difficult time is hard, we've all been there.  And in some ways I'm very glad I've learnt some of the hard lessons I have earlier on in life, I wouldn't like to have to face reality for the first time in my 80's.  But I honestly don't feel any need to rescue, analyse, ponder, I've almost not thought about her.  Not quite, but very nearly, and she's a whisper of a thought in my head instead of the bloody freight train she usually becomes.  Interestingly I've been less anxious in general.  Some of my anxiety based habits have lessened, not to the point of not being there at all but they've dropped from hard to resist compulsions to feelings of wanting that can be ignored.

So that's where we're at.  The paperwork is done, son's document is almost there, needs a few tweaks and some double checking in places but it's nearly finished.  Son has embarked on a huge clear out of toys, books, games, clothes and anything else that's been shored up in his room for many years.  We're selling what we can, giving away what isn't worth selling and keeping a track of the money coming in so he can see the money for his next adventure adding up :) Going away camping soon and then hopefully away at least one weekend a month throughout the summer.  The cat doesn't like being left and I feel mean taking him to the cattery but when we left him at home with a neighbour popping in we came home to a forest of dead mice upstairs and that was a grim task after a long car journey!  The house is looking good, the garden's looking good, the weather's nice.  Honestly feel like we haven't got a huge cloud hanging over us for the first time in a very long time and it's a good feeling :)
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: PUP
« Last post by Hopalong on May 10, 2024, 03:53:20 PM »
Well, they may not exist...not sure what her problem is. She talked about given and will-be-needed shots in an email. I'd just like the paper trail to give our vet.
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