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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The New Yorker article: "How Far Can Abused Women Go To Protect Themselves"

« Last post by Hopalong on April 26, 2025, 02:25:16 PM »

I think DV should be shouted about daily. So many women are cowed or feel trapped by economics or other threat ramifications. Meanwhile, being battered doesn't exactly help one think clearly. I even think of DV as a hate crime.

I don't have much else to offer about how sexism plays out in our courts but I know it does, just as our inherent racial biases do. Both shameful and crippling to progress. In my battle with sociopath brother, I noticed the judge only came down on him once my (tall, British) attorney had leapt to his feet and said, "Your honor! My client is AFRAID of her brother!". Which I was, and all of a sudden I had the court's protection. I have RBF, though (Resting Beagle Face).

God forbid one has real RBF. Much better to be a sweetly weeping sorority sister. I was just sad but steely-determined, and with a case full of my meticulous records and evidence. So we won. I have moved on so far I rarely think of Sociobro.

I love Amber's grounded confidence and assertiveness. Fear weakens us all. But I don't think living on alert makes us stronger most of the time. It can breed paranoia, isolation and mistrust 360 degrees. I've placed my bets on general human goodness despite present madness, and I can retain loving kindness there. In specific situations, I got no trouble closing the door on an unwelcome nose, or dick.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 26, 2025, 07:30:29 AM »

He's busy; the morphine increase seems to manage the muscle spasms pretty well. He is facing years of pack-rat "maybe I'll need this someday" piles and dealing with it there, rather than here. He's closing multiple chapters of his previous lives before finally settling in here. Altho, given the last visit was 6 months, he was pretty danged comfortable.

We touch base daily while he's away - but basically we both do our own thing independently.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on April 25, 2025, 06:25:52 PM »

Oh, it's many Normandy fields of poppies, Hops.  You're not wrong.

Right now, the juice is worth the squeeze, in DD's opinion. He's making a big difference in how she's feeling.  It's not my call.

Final analysis....
DD feels he's harmless, but socialized badly, as is the way in this Country for most men.  We can wish and hope it wasn't.... but it is.

That he's autistic, is very likely.

And....if we needed a reminder, to always select female doctors......
this is it.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Free Course from Jack Kornfield

« Last post by lighter on April 25, 2025, 05:57:34 PM »

It's good to have informed views, Hops.  I think my T has attended a couple of his silent retreats, only.

I'm often surprised at how people process similar messages from different presenters.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The New Yorker article: "How Far Can Abused Women Go To Protect Themselves"

« Last post by lighter on April 25, 2025, 05:54:01 PM »

Amber, you're welcome to your anger .... justified anger should be acceptable for all human beings fighting for their lives and children's safety, imo.

Unfair, but if a woman shows anger to a jury, a scary facial expression, puts witnesses on the stand who've taken notes on any anger at all..... you're going to prison, bc angry women aren't allowed to defend themselves and stay out of prison, ime.

I know this, disagree with it, but can vouch for that truth, as I didn't believe my attorney when he said it ......
till I saw it with my own eyes.  Holy cow!

It's real and unfair and something women should be aware of.  Just stating facts.  Not debating any piece of it.  I didn't believe it either, but women jurors will convict quicker than men on that one.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by lighter on April 25, 2025, 05:40:13 PM »

Hi, Amber:

I love reading about the herbs, and gardens!  Also, the sewing intrigues me.

I'm picturing you stating/holding boundaries, in every direction, with zero charge or drama.....just calm assurance, and knowing.

Good luck on the construction end, particularly if contractor is out of sorts. 

How's B doing?

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 25, 2025, 07:57:32 AM »

Well, Hol is working her own path. And lately, that's taken her away from here for shorter trips. One way to alleviate the head-butting sometimes. And with B gone too, till June, lets me build the evidence that I'm not senile, frail, or totally unmotivated... so that the next time I say: "I don't WANT any help, I want to do it my way, in my own time"... she'll back off.

But in common, we're both elbows deep in planting season. The land-forming that her friend has done at her place, has let her expand & plan to further expand planting spaces. My garden is prepped to minimize the weeding this year... seeds started... raised beds built, place & filled... and I'm moving on to the herb beds. Mowing is the next chore to begin again... with pruning, continuing to remove trees for winter wood & firebreaks... and the ongoing organization of space, with B moving in.

When it turns consistently hot, I'll be in the studio (in a/c) sewing. Something... don't know what yet. I've got maybe another two weeks of warm but not hot weather to do some more of my own work around here outside.

It's been very nice to have my solitude back. My creativity is waking up again and my senses are sharper. Able to process what's around me better. The herbs I planted last year, have mostly survived the long winter. I lost a clump of bee balm to the drought; the artemisia died back - I thought - but it looks to be rejuvenating itself. The lavender grossos survived; they need more soil, but that's on the list. I have a new batch of seedlings to go in, too. This year - I've added about twice as much soil as I did last year. It's truly needed. Exciting to see that the marshmallow and Elecampane have made it!

I'll probably start some more feverfew later on... a few other things. Mullein is native here and I have two sizable patches growing to harvest already. Adding elderberry this year. I should FINALLY be at a place, where I can start adding some spring bulbs and more flowers. The dahlias I saw at the nursery on Hol's & my expedition were calling to me. It "feels" like we might be reaching a plateau with projects around here and designs/layout. I still need to address the issue of an elevator, but a) the contractors are under stress this year and b) I need to make sure my design ideas are FUNCTIONAL and c) we still have plenty to do, to finish other projects.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The New Yorker article: "How Far Can Abused Women Go To Protect Themselves"

« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 25, 2025, 07:21:10 AM »

That is a point of view I can't really sign on to, Lighter. Why? (I get why you do. Mostly.)

No one owns me, but me. (And B would have a fit if I behaved, felt that way; he wants an equal partner.) Proved this IRL more than once.

Everyone has to testify, for using deadly force defending themselves. Yes, men too. I haven't had to live through this yet. I hope I never have to. I HAVE had to defend myself - FOR defending myself - against a bully many years ago. My argument was short & bittersweet.

If you think women are not permitted to be angry, you haven't known me all these years - and I'd like to introduce you to my Ds.

And I AGREE that domestic abuse needs to be in the spotlight a bit more, and that women in those situations need a safe platform from which to be heard; for the justice system to become more educated and be more impartial.

This discussion comes up about weekly around here. Hol is working her own path through her anger - and right now is buried under the messaging of her generation re: militant feminism and incels, and male "privelege". I believed I'd taught her enough of the ways to never BE dependent on a man, that she would automatically develop her own boundaries over that and be emotionally independent as well. I guess it doesn't work that way - she HAS done that, but on her own; the hard way. She knows codependent patterns are the main bait into those kinds of relationships now. She knows what her own kryptonite is.

The MORE people can and do discuss all the issues around abuse - and how people react, behave, feel and how they think of themselves - in those kinds of situations, the understanding of the issues is increased and the closer we get knowing which soluations work best in unique individual situations.

At the root of things, I'm not angry at men because they seem to be favored in the justice system. I am accountable for my decisions, actions and behaviors... and that includes learning to stand up and fight for myself. It may not be my proudest achievement, in all cases, but the trauma that taught me that no adults COULD protect me 100% of the time in all situations taught me I could/would engage the fight. And I didn't give a rat's ass how that made me look. And I don't apologize or people-please to avoid the fight or appease after. I am within my rights (at least I believe) to defend myself. Don't care what society thinks; don't care how other people look at me. I have to be able to look at myself - with respect, compassion, and understanding. That's enough for me to go on.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Free Course from Jack Kornfield

« Last post by Hopalong on April 24, 2025, 07:28:35 PM »

I interviewed him at length many years ago, not too long after "Chicken Soup for XXXX" books became a huge marketing plan. Our publishing company did one of them, I forget which title.

I found him highly self promoting and gimmicky rather than wise. Ended our interview with a creeped-out but resigned feeling. He was a very smart marketer who scavenged aphorisms from all over the place, or identified common themes humans struggle with and designed the next book (now "course") collections from all over from various sources about such themes. I found him clever but not thoughtful, and a near-parasitic borrower of ideas.

Maybe he's better now! The old blunt editor I once was speaking...

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on April 24, 2025, 07:22:38 PM »

I am flabbergasted that DD, a young ADULT woman, is willingly going along to this doctor despite a collection of red flags that look to me like a large field of poppies.

Doesn't really matter the reasons/explanations (he's on the spectrum, he's very focused on her, has had this/that experience himself) ... my inner klaxon is bellowing.

Are you certain sure, Lighter, that "WE" chose him for her treatment/program because SHE is eager to follow this man's lead? And not, just possibly and not intentionally, that you have guided her to him?

No judgement on whatever it is, but I think he's (for whatever reasons) vastly boundary-ignorant and inappropriate for a health care professional of any kind.

N.B. -- She doesn't "have to" see him alone. Or at all.

hugs
Hops